As was the custom, after being awakened by the early pangs of hunger, Sancho Panza roused his master and attended to the routine of assisting him with the donning of his armour. Once complete, the exercise, as usual was undone, as it was quite impossible for the Don to attend to his body functions while fully encased in his suit of iron, leather-bindings and assorted fixtures. Rozinante and the dapple ass patiently awaited whatever enterprise that was offered, but surely longing for a comfortable stable and ample feed of corn. Amadis, for that was the name of the ass, was most attentive to the change in the weather since it being spring and rutting season, perchance Sancho would see fit to use his services in a good cause. However, Rozinante was indifferent to the changing seasons, having long past his interest in such frivolous activities. Remember this, dear reader for it becomes important in other episodes to be related by Cid Hamete Benengeli, and I might add, by Cid Hamete Benengeli only, for others writing fiction about our Don Quixote, knight-errant, know not of what they speak, let it be shown as recorded by the good Cid Hamete, and transcribed by Cervantes, that; "For me alone Don Quixote was born and I for him; it was for him to act, for me to write, and we two are one in spite of that Tordesillesque pretender who had, and may have, the audacity to write with a coarse and ill-trimmed ostrich quill of the deeds of my valiant knight. This is no burden for his shoulders, no subject for his congealed talent; and if perchance thou shouldst come to know him, advise him that he should let Don Quixote's tired and mouldering bones rest in their sepulcher and not try to bear him off, contrary to all the laws of death, to Old Castile by raising him from that grave where he really and truly lies stretched out, being quite unable now to sally forth once again on a third expedition. For the two sallies that he did make to the delight and approval of all who heard of them, in foreign countries as well as our own, are sufficient to cast ridicule upon all the ridings forth of knights-errant in times past." Let this warning from Hamete be enough to discourage those imposters that trespass on this hallowed ground. However, as you may recall, in the telling of the story, much was almost lost except for the chance discover of the lost manuscripts in a market place. As others have pointed out, there are discrepancies in the works of Cervantes as he attempted to piece together the story. Such is the case of Sancho becoming parted from his dear ass, Amadis, and it is the fortunate discovery of this badly written manuscript by S. J. Mathrow, a person with little regard for history but who does enjoy a good story, in piecing together the happen-chance of this spring morning and the events that followed.
Sancho having finally attended to all the duties assigned to him which included saddling of Rozinante and making sure the cinch straps were tight, packing the meager provisions and assisting the Don on gaining his saddle, and finally mounting Amadis, which was non too soon as the knight-errant had departed from the campgrounds as soon as he was seated on Rozinante. Sancho in whatever haste was possible with the plodding Amadis, finally came to the side of Don Quixote. And Sancho spoke, "Why do we depart so quickly from such a pleasant glade and where is it that the winds of fortune carry us this day?"
Don Quixote's reply which was the first understandable words he had uttered this morn, were through his tightly clenched teeth. "Sancho, for that is your name and you are my faithful squire who accompanies me through the many trials that a knight-errant must endure so that in the end, his reward will be the hand of the beautiful, graceful, majestic, noble, fair, courteous, brilliant, did I say beautiful? damsel, my lady Dulcinea. I am much in pain."
This greatly concerned Sancho as he was unaware that the knight had entertained any adversaries in the past fortnight, and he wondered as to the madness that seemed to sometimes enter into the Don's mind with no apparent inducement. "Perchance if you explain the source of your agony, I shall be of assistance although, a barber, I am not. Is it possible that a splinter is the cause of your problem, or a boil from the many points of friction betwixt the iron where your chemise provides little protection, or is it a pain in your head that should be addressed by the curate. or ... "Peace, Sancho." began the Don, "My agony is seated in a worrisome tooth that causes me much pain. Me thinks the enchanted Moors we encountered at the inn have caused one of my teeth to complain from the abuse that was wrought while I was in blissful sleep."
"Then we must attend at once to the problem, sire."
"No, it remains the burden that all knight-errants must share. However, the solution is simple. I will simply place the pain on that rock and as we ride away, the pain will be unable to follow. For that is the way that the namesake of your ass, Amadis de Gaul, so easily disposed of injustices that were not of importance to a knight."
"Would that all our troubles could be so simply attended. Do it quickly Sir Don Quixote."
"It is done."
After some time, the Don spoke once again. Sancho awaited his telling of the great relief that he now felt, and did not interrupt. "Sancho, methinks that this path is enchanted by evil forces that try the powers of any knight. While the pain was quickly left behind and I felt considerable relief, another pain has taken its place. I think that I shall have to use a stronger medicine than that practiced by Amadis. I will use the potent that we made at the castle when we were both of ill body and mind. Fetch it for me."
"Sir Don, I can do no such, as the magic of that day was drawn from the pot by you and then by me. The pot thence being empty was returned to the keeper of the inn. If you recall, the consequences of our consuming that precious balm certainly did nothing to cause me to look forward to a second bout with the devil in the pot. And, I seek to dissuade thee from entertaining such an idea."
"Then we must enter the near city and seek assistance from those practiced in the art of pain. That is where our noble animals carry us. Of course; it has been so ordained, but only now revealed to us. We shall find a doctor for that is what the peoples of this area call those practiced in the art of cutting, drawing, sewing, purging, and other practices that I know not of."
Shortly they entered the city of Zaragoza through which the river, Ebro, chose to flow. "Now Sancho, find me a suitable medico so that I can be relieved of my pain."
While Don Quixote saw no castles or fortresses in the city, he did see streets crowded with vendors, alleys filled with children, linens hanging from balconies, and cats, dogs, burros, cows, horses, chickens and other animals beyond description occupying all open space. One had to be very careful where one placed one's foot. "Sancho, I have seen the future and it is not pleasant. There are too many peoples who do inhabit this city and I fear that their numbers will continue to increase as well as the spoils of their labors and body. We must depart from this unholy place as soon as possible and return to our Mancha."
The two travelers from Aragon were indeed fortunate as at the time a medical convention was being held with notable physicians from far distant lands as well as Spain's own native sons. A large spa on the river's edge appeared to draw the enlightened ones and to this gathering Don Quixote and honest Sancho presented themselves. The medicos thinking that the knight-errant and his squire were part of the day's entertainment, gathered round and were most amused by the knight in his armour, astride his mighty war-horse. Don Quixote spoke thusly, "O mighty men of science, how fortunate we are today to gather at this watering hole to cleanse our wounds and sooth our souls. I, Don Quixote de la Mancha, knight of mournful countenance or ill favored face as some have come to call me, that you see before you today, come seeking you assistance in cleansing my body, and more particularly my mouth of an evil spell that has been cast upon me by doppleganger or some such unholy spirit. I present myself to you and ask that you do well the task that is set before you."
A rush to be first to become a part of this act resulted in no less than sixteen surgeons, dentist, veterinarians, barbers, travel agents and assorted ladies of the evening presenting themselves for approval by the Don's squire who assumed the authority of selection. Sancho's eye was fair and with the exception of selecting a number of the more buxom professionals of the street, he chose a French physician as the one who would perform the extraction of the evil that besieged the Don, and an Italian who seemed most gifted in calling forth directives from Rome, but had little else to recommend him. The veterinarian being a sturdy lad was chosen as it was known that when the extraction of a evil took place often times it was necessary to restrain the host to prevent his departing with the evil still in place. And the veterinarian will as the reader shall see, play an important role in future events that result in Amadis and Sancho becoming apart.
A great theater was prepared so that all the attending physicians could observe and take note. This being particularly important as they would find it necessary to justify their charges and being to administrators in their hospitals from whence they came. But first the decision, should the Don be cured while wearing his full armour or better that he be enrobed in a gown that while easily put on, revealed much from the back quarter. This is the first recording of the practice, which is said to be in used throughout the civilized world.
Giving Rozinante and Amadis a goodly feed of corn and choicest hay, Sancho departed from the scene in search of a mid-time meal and perhaps a place in the hay where he could reflect on the events that had brought him to this fair city. It is suggested that some one or more of the less attentive, to medical practices that is, likewise sought a place where they might also rest. But this part of the story regards the treatment of the Don, not Sancho, so we leave him to his pleasures in the straw.
With his armour held upright from a wire tied to a lamp post outside the operating arena, the travel agents thinking this to be a fine way of advertising that a good show was to be held within, the Don was dressed in the hospital gown of the day. The short skirt which it more likely appears to be, barely covered his rather bony knees and the knotted ties in the back were most uncomfortable and had it not been for the ache of his molar, he might have asked for better.
The medicos approached. And with a start Don Quixote found that he recognized not a single one of them for they had all covered their faces with mask so that they would be incognito.
The procedure began: First, he was bled of a pint of blood. Then his shoulder was cut and eight ounces more of blood was extracted by cupping.
Then followed an emetic, a purgative and another purgative. Next, an enema in which they used antimony, sacred bitters, rock salt, mallow leaves, violet, beet root, camomile flowers, fennel seed, linseed, cinnamon, cardamom seed, saffron, cochineal and aloes. This enema was repeated. In two hours, another purgative was given.
The Don's scalp was then shaved, and a blister raised on it. They gave him next sneezing powder of hellebore root; they sought to strengthen his brain by giving him powder of cowslip flowers. The cathartics were frequently repeated. He was given drinks of barley water, licorice, sweet almonds, white wine, absinthe, anise seed, extracts of thistles, rue, mint and angelica. When these did not cure him of his ache, they gave him a plaster of burgundy pitch and pigeon dung, to be applied to his feet.
More bleeding, more purging; they added melon seeds, manna, slippery elm, black cherry water, extracts of flower of lime, lily of the valley, peony, lavender and dissolved pearls. When these did not do the trick, they went at it with gentian root, nutmeg, quinine and cloves. When this failed, he was given forty drops of extract of human skull. Then they forced down his throat a rallying dose of herbs and animal extracts. Then some powdered bezoar stone.
Alas, after this our ill fated knight, Don Quixote de la Mancha, was so exhausted that all the physicians became despondent. And so, more active cordials, and finally pearl julep and ammonia, were forced down the royal patient's throat.
The theater was becoming bored with the actors and as it was approaching eve, one suggested that why do they not just extract the offending tooth. The Don now too weak to resist was sat upon by the most corpulent doctor and the veterinarian more practiced than the others in removing parts of anatomy, simply place his pair of forceps into the Don's mouth and with a mighty yank removed the offending tooth, or so he thought. Holding his prize to the light he quickly discovered that the tooth in his grasp was intact and of perfect character. So, pausing not a little, he explored the inter reaches of the Don's mouth, selected another specimen and withdrew it as easily as the first. This time, make no mistake the proper tooth had been removed.
As the supply of balms, cordials, powders and other medicinals had been depleted, it was decided that the Don should be given a bit of good wine and permitted to admit himself cured.
"There you are, gentlemen, you've seen this operation, that everyone said was impossible, preformed with complete success... " "But, Doctor, you removed the wrong tooth." "What of it! It would have become rotten anyway even without the operation." said the veterinarian as he taking the skin of wine from the Don and finishing it as a reward for his accomplishment, went to join the ladies who had become disinterested in science and perhaps were joining Sancho in his nap.
(The doctor's recipe for treatment of Don Quixote was followed by the "successful" treatment of Charles II, King of England in 1660. King Charles died in 1685 after the medicos hastened his departure to the Great Beyond, perhaps by applying these practices of the art. See footnote.)
Our knight errant was made to rest in a nearby apartment with a low window to the street, so that those passing by might pause to look in on the most famous visitor from la Mancha. And now we leave Don Quixote and continue our story with Sancho and impart to the reader the way in which Sancho was parted from his ass.
NB: The quote on successful treatment of Charles II* comes from a 1939 book by
Morris A. Bealle entitled, Medical Mussolini, pp 7. The following poem from
the book seems appropriate:
A doctor fell into a well
and broke his collar bone.
He should have ^�tended to the sick
and left the well alone.
****
Directory , Joe Wortham's Home Page , About Joe Wortham