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Whats the hardest part about sky diving?
The Ground!====
What gets wet the more you dry?
A towel!====
How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
One! After that its not empty!====
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?====
What breaks when you say it?
Silence!====
Why can't you starve in a desert?
Because of all the "sand which is" there!====
What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A hole!====
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
The road!====
What goes all around a pasture but never moves?
A fence!====
How do you say chocolate in French?
Chocolate in French!====
Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny!====
What did the robot say when his battery went dead?
AC Come, AC Go! ====
What's the last thing you take off before going to bed?
Your feet off the floor!====
What is H204?
Drinking! ====
Who was bigger, Mr. John or his son?
His son...he was a little John ====
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck! ====
Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have any money! =====
What did one candle say to the other candle?
Lets go out tonight! =====
What song does a van radio play?
A cartoon (car tune)! ====
Why did the lawyer go to court in her underwear?
Because she lost her suit!====
How can you tell a train went by?
It left its tracks behind! ====
Does your shirt have holes in it?
No, then how did you put it on?====
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot! ====
What do you get when you cross Frosty the Snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite! ====
What goes all over the world but doesn't move?
The highway! ====
What kind of boomerang doesn't come back?
A stick! =====
What kind of flower grows on your face?
Tulips! =====
Why did the man run around his bed?
To catch up on his sleep!=====
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
Post Office! =====
What is the difference between a jeweler & a jailer?
A jeweler sells watches & a jailer watches cells!====
What does an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do at night?
Lie awake and wonder if there really is a dog! ====
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln & Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays! =====
Three people were standing under an umbrella...which one got wet?
None of them, it wasn't raining! ====
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains! ====
What did the sea say to the sand?
Nothing, it just waved! ====
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You are too young to smoke! ====
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the frog have in common?
the middle name====
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out!====
What goes up and down but never moves?
The stairs!====
Where was Mickey when the lights went out?
In the dark! ====
What kind of button won't unbutton?
A bellybutton! ====
What do you call a man who crosses a river twice & doesn't take a bath?
A dirty double crosser!====
What goes up and does not come down?
Your age! ====
Why did the boy walk past the medical shop very slowly?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!====
Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
because he wanted to see time fly====
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
Because he wanted to work over-time! ====
What did one wall say to the other wall?
Meet you at the corner! ====
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around! =====
What do you do if an elephant charges you?
Pay him! ====
How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling! =====
Why did the elephant eat the stupid man?
Because someone said he was "nuts"! =====
How many elephants can dance on the head of a pin?
None, Elephants can't dance! ====
Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
Because they don't have thumbs to ring the bell!====
What do a grape & an elephant have in common?
They're both purple, except for the elephant! ====
What happened to Ray when he was stepped on by an elephant?
He became an X-Ray! ====
Why are cooks mean?
Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream!====
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because he saw the salad dressing! ====
What goes up a fruit and comes down a vegetable?
A tomato...throw it up and it comes down a squash!====
Little child:Should I eat my fries with my fingers?
Mom : No, you should eat only fries, and not fingers.====
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away the W! ====
Why do they have a fence around the graveyard?
Everyone is dying to get in!====
What is a vampire's favorite type of boat?
Blood vessels! ====
Where do ghosts live?
On dead ends! ====
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he didn't have anyBODY to go with!====
Why does the letter A look like a flower?
Because a b(bee) always comes after it! ====
Why did the teacher marry the janitor?
Because he swept her off her feet! =====
When does a cart come before a horse?
In the dictionary! =====
What two letters of the alphabet contain nothing?
MT! ====
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils!====
What is the center of gravity?
The letter V! ====
What letter is found in a cup?
T! ====
Science Teacher: Who can tell me what an atom is?
Student: The guy who went out with Eve!====
What room can a student never enter?
A Mushroom! (submitted by Rachel) ====
What has 3 feet and no legs?
A yardstick! ====
What has four eyes but can't see?
Mississippi! ====
How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters?
ICE! ====
Why did the girl get upset in her math book?
It had too many problems!====
Why did the Cyclops stop teaching?
Because he only had one pupil! ====
Why was the students report card all wet?
Because it was below C (sea) level!====
My teacher blamed me for something I didn't do!
My homework! ======
What goes up and down but doesn't move?
The temperature! ======
Why did Tommy take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!=====
Which candle burns longer, a red one or a green one?
Neither, they both burn shorter! ====
What starts with E, ends with E, and only has one letter in it?
An envelope! =====
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because the kids have to play inside!====
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump! =====
What looks exactly like a hippo but weighs nothing?
Its shadow! =====
What is the best year for a kangaroo?
A leap year! =====
What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up! ===========
If a wolf lost his tail, where would he get another one?
The re-tail store! ============
Why do birds fly south?
Its too far to walk! ==========
10 cats were on a boat, one jumped off, how many were left?
None, they were all copycats! ===========
Why does a hummingbird hum?
It doesn't know the words!====
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him! ====
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Its easier than walking! ====
What do you call a fish without an eye?
A Fsh! ====
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work! ====
Name six things smaller than an ant's mouth?
Six of its teeth! ====
Which side of the chicken does the feathers grow on?
on all sides=====
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
Take away its credit card!====
Why did Mickey Mouse leave home?
Because his father was a rat! =====
What mouse doesn't eat cheese?
A computer mouse! =====
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!=====
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut! ====
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken! ====
How was copperwire invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.=====
Why are cats similar to sentences?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the
end of its clause.====
What is the difference between a teacher and a train-driver?
A teacher trains a mind whereas the train-driver minds the train.
