Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see: Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
2. GRASS EATER:
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
3. THE CLEVER LAWYER:
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
4. INDIAN COURTESY:
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to answer Nature's call. After a long search he could not find any place and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself. As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?" Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to clear my bowels."
Police : "Nothng doing here okay? Follow me."
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.
Police: "You can use this place..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist: "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, Is this Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No...this is Pakistani Embassy!"
5. SARDAR AND HIS EARS;
A Sardarji went to a doctor with 2 red ears. The Doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered " I was ironing my shirt and the phone-rang. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the Iron and stuck it to my ear".
The Doctor exclaimed in disbelief" Oh Dear!, What happened to your other ear?". The Sardar replied: "The scoundrel called back again".
6. ALLIGATOR CHALLENGE:
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
7. BRIDE AND GROOM:
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
8. GOOD MEMORY.
One day Musharaf Khan was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running in to his office and shouted 'Musharaf Khan' your daughter Preeto just died in an accident!!' Musharaf was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window. While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Musharaf Khan.
9.UNLUCKY PUN.
Three women are about to be executed. One's an American, one's a Chinese, and one's an Indian. The guard brings the American forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, 'Ready! Aim her. Suddenly the American yells, 'EARTHQUAKE!!!' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the Chinese forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, 'Ready! Aim her. Suddenly the Chinese yells, 'TORNADO!!!' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the Indian has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, 'Ready! Aim her. And the Indian yells, "FIRE"
10. MATERIALISTIC MINDED.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.' 'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer. The cop replied, 'Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.' 'Ahhh!' screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex watch is gone!'
11. DRIVE OUT FROM CHURCH:
Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church. The first minister said, "I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork." The second said, "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!" The third (who was looking pretty smug) said, "I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."