They worked for me... And I don't see a reason why they won't work
for you as well....
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At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for
it.
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Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.
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Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
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Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
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Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched,
and make airplane sounds.
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Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
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Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than they do.
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Drool.
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Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs.
If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in
your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
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Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front
of you.
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Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the
hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"
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Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
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Ask your date how much money they have with them.
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Order for your date. Order something nasty.
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Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
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Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
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Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
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Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
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Hold a debate. Take both sides.
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Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
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Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato,
wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got".
When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on
your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
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Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw
a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date,
with a straight face, "They need to air out."
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Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home
to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually
feeding her.
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Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner,
insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned
your food.
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Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
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Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
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Repeat every third third word you say say.
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Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school
yearbook.
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Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
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Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.
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Order a bucket of lard.
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Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
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Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
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Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about himself/herself.
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Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
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When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
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Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
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Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the
subject up periodically throughout the meal.
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Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where
you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to
the wall. Act nervous.
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Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
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Auction your date off for silverware.
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Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
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Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use
good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
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Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
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Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
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If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one
bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy, did you get ripped
off!"
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Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and
arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
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Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
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Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone
hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
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Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
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