Kris’s
BIO Page
Well, you probably won’t be surprised to read that my experiences are very similar to most of my transgendered sisters out there. You’re not likely to find any revelations here nor do I appear to have a particularly unique perspective on the fascinating phenomena called Transgender-ism or Transexual-ism. Whatever “-ism” it is, I have it! (I am one?) Always have and always will.
So possibly like you, I spend a fair amount of time learning anything I can about my “condition” and, more importantly, about myself. And, possibly like you, I like what I have found!
Day of Discovery
In an appreciation letter to the organizers of the 1999 Southern Comfort Conference – (the annual SCC conference is the world’s largest public GBLT event of its kind. I lived a most-amazing four days there as Kris) - I attempted to convey my feelings of woonderment, fullness and, even fear in discovering who and what I am. For me, SCC 1999 was my “Day of Discovery”. It was the point in my journey where I presented myself to the world for the first time in the manner consistent with my feminine identity. It was a watershed event that changed my life forever.
Virtually every story of every trans-gendered (TG) person I have ever read or heard includes a similar event. No matter what the event may be, it is the pivotal point where we come to realize, and hopefully embrace, who we really are. That moment of illumination reveals a marvelous portrait, kept hidden sometimes for decades, under layers of filmy dust, deposited there by life as if to blur its brilliance. Once illuminated however it is difficult, perhaps impossible even, but most certainly wrong, to return the beauty of the Master’s work to a concealed state.
There are so many stories of failed attempts to cover the portrait, to deny its beauty, or purge the “illness” from the sickened (reminds me of the Exorcist). Ultimately of course we all learn there is no denying who we are and endeavoring to conceal the realities of our existence is futile, painful and potentially damaging. For TG’s, pertinent fundamental questions beg answers.
“Is something indeed wrong with me?”
“Can I be fixed?”
“Should I even try to be “fixed” – that is, deny the essence of my being?
The answers to these questions I have found to be many and widely varied – from every conceivable perspective. I will spend some time discussing some of those answers. By my perspective and experiences I hope to explain also how my conclusions have been drawn. Perhaps the effort will help you make some of your own. At any rate, I hope you find this information interesting, educational and even entertaining and that it is of value as you make your journey.
“To Be or Not To Be…”
What if Shakespeare knew how appropriate his little phrase would be to a TG person! I wonder, maybe he did know!?
Consider the wisdom in this excerpt from popular transgender author Briana Austin’s article entitled “I Am Who I Am” -
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Like
most of you, as a kid I wondered what it would be like to be a girl. Then, as
I got a little older I began to actually imagine I was a girl, vicariously
living through the images of sexy girls I would watch in TV. And thus began a
life on the hunt, never really knowing what I was looking for. Like the blind
man I relied on my senses, my instinct, to muddle through the maze of life,
never really knowing where the road would ultimately lead. I rummaged through
my sister’s closet whenever the opportunity presented itself and indulged in
the experimentation of being a girl, or at least at that time dressing like
one. By the time I was in my early 20’s, I had come to find out I was not
alone, but also felt tremendous guilt and embarrassment for who I was, or
wanted to be - I was damaged goods. I had been dressing up for about 15
years, and had purged and restarted at least 5 times. Sound familiar? But through marriage, children, career and madness I plunged ahead and kept exploring this part of me I didn’t understand, a voice that beckoned to me. By the time I was 43 years old, I had evolved into a full time transgender person, 20% male, 40% female, and 40% of the time androgynous. My friend Tarren often remarked, “make up your mind, you’re confusing the tourists.” But I didn’t care. I was just as comfortable if people had mistaken me for a woman, a trans-woman, a man, a fag, or whatever label they had. After all, their comments only defined who they were - it never defined who I was. I had finally found inner-peace and a sense of balance in my life. People would ask who I was trying to be. “I am not “trying” to be anybody, I “am” simply who I am!” However, regardless of where I was in life, I always came back to four questions; 1) What would it be like to be a girl? 2) Could I become a girl? 3) Would I prefer to be a girl? And, 4) am I supposed to be a girl? |
From “I
Am Who I Am“, www.briannaaustin.bigstep.com/Food4thought/essays/whoiam.html
Have you ever pondered these or similar questions? Certainly I have, throughout much of my life from childhood through adulthood. I think the first three questions ask about the physical, outward “appearance” of a female – struggling to define what it is to be a girl.
Even though I’ve lived as a male my entire life, I’ve thought of myself as female for as long as I can remember. I just have not presented myself in that gender-model for many reasons – primarily fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of loss - of family, friends, career - fear of physical harm, harassment or retribution. So, like most of you, I have suppressed the feminine identity and presented the expected male expression. History has taught us that suppression is never effective in controlling or modifying naturally occurring phenomena without causing harmful or potentially damaging results.
The fourth question is even more daunting and asks a question for which there may be no answer, certainly no human answer. This question is the one I find rolling around in my head the most. Let’s look at my answers to Brianna’s questions.
1) What would it be like to be a girl?
Without a doubt, I think women have more challenging lives than men. Why in the world then would I be compelled to pursue living a female life? Am I masochistic? I think not. For me, to be female in every aspect would simply be “correct”. I would be like every other woman whom I assume doesn’t even give her gender a second thought. I would be quite simply …. normal!
2) Could I become a girl?
Actually I don’t need to become a girl, I am a girl. In terms of physical appearance however I most absolutely “could “. The means are available to accomplish the physical modifications providing the appearance of a genetic female. My problem is I simply cannot – no, will not for the reasons mentioned above.
3) Would I prefer to be a girl?
Yes, in a heartbeat. For as long as I can remember my preferences were distinctly feminine. And they still are. So, to find balance, I just pursue these preferences in stealth.
4) Am I supposed to be a girl?
Hmmmmm, that’s good one. I don’t know the answer to that one. I believe God made me and that making me this way wasn’t a mistake. And it’s not that I regret my life or that it’s been all pain and suffering. On the contrary mine has been a blessed life rich with wonderful caring people, loving relationships and marvelous experiences. But I can’t deny that having a male body and living as a male just hasn’t felt right. I believe He has a plan for me and this will all make wonderful sense some day. Doesn’t make dealing with it any easier though but that’s life, right? I guess I am supposed to be who I am regardless of what I look like on the outside…
I feel foolish spending so much time thinking, writing, reading and talking about this, gads! As if enough hasn’t already been said! I mean, get a life, right??
Well, all I can say is, judging from the mountains of information available on the subject it is an important, compelling issue for many, many people. And perhaps most importantly, I have found that transitioning from one gender to the other does not necessarily make everything right.
So over time I will add some thoughts to the mountain….
