You have been putting off the things you want the most, concentrating on other things, thinking the details needed to be perfect before you could put everything together. You said to yourself, “Some other time. Some other place,” and waited for the moment when you would recognize that time and place.
But time changed that; it took away one of things you wanted the most so you pushed away the other. And, oh, isn’t ironic, bitter and vile, that the one thing could have staved off your illness is the one thing you can’t have because of it? The pain is real. It stabs your back and the twinges travel to your heart and mind. The ghosts of your past emerged from their dusty corners and they whispered in your ear when you wanted to sleep.
So you sat in the dark, waiting for things to get better, for the ghosts to retreat. And you waited. And waited.
It galled you to admit you needed to talk to someone. In fact, you couldn’t even tell the one person you could talk to that you needed to. That the words and their weight were pressing down on you, their pressure so heavy you wanted to scream and never stop screaming. You tried to tell her, but the words that came out were excuses. They were worthless and you knew it, but you couldn’t stop yourself from making them.
You needed time and you didn’t have it. You needed him and you couldn’t have him.
Your hospital bed is uncomfortable and the blanket is too thin. The fluorescent lights hurt your eyes and your face is sore. Your hair sticks to the salve they put on and you can only hope that you don’t look like the stuff of nightmares. And yet, he’s here, his fingers curled over yours.
The quiet of Christmas Eve has descended, the thing you always liked best about the holiday. It’s a thin layer that has slipped beneath the noises of the hospital and settled over your room. There are no jarring sounds in here, no shouts, and the ghosts are quiet, too.
Somewhere,
in the distance, you can hear something knocking. A faint rap. You look
at your hand, laying beneath his, and you think, maybe, just maybe, it’s
time for Pandora to let hope out of the box.