The Beauty of the Rain

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And you know the light is fading all too soon,
You're just two umbrellas one late afternoon.
You don't know the next thing you will say,
This is your favorite kind of day,
It has no walls.
The beauty of the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls.

You miss her. Maybe if she were here she’d make this day bearable. But she’s not. Not for the first time you wonder where she is, what she’s doing, who she’s with...

The lights are all off in your apartment, the darkness cocooning you like a blanket. But really there is nothing warm about the darkness. Darkness is cold. Just like your life right now. You sit here in your cold, dark apartment alone and watch out the window as the snowy, rainy mix falls outside. It covers the streets and sidewalks below but you don’t really care. You usually love a rainy day. It’s simple, uncomplicated, straight forward....but not today. Throw snow into it and you get...complicated.

It shouldn’t really bother you, the weather. You have nowhere that you need to be today, no one special to see. Because even though she did her best to help you, the courts are still undecided about you.

For right now you’re still alone. You don’t even have Mattie.

But maybe you will someday, someday soon.

All because of one special woman. Because of a woman that’s not yours because you didn’t fight. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t know you were supposed to, that you took her at face value, took the word ‘never’ to mean just that. That after everything you’ve shared over the past eight years, and one stolen moment in a hotel room in Paraguay, you took her at her word. You trusted what she said, because of all of the things you’ve done to each other, lying was never one of them.

Hateful, hurtful words...now that was another story. Those you didn’t seem to have any problem hurling at each other. And even though you’re back now, that hasn’t stopped.

Because you’re angry.

She hurt you. You poured your soul into touching her, into showing her how much she meant to you. After staring at another dead woman, you needed to feel Mac, alive and writhing in your arms. Shouting out your name. Nothing said up to that point mattered in that moment in time.

But the next day she still walked away. She told you it would never work and she walked right into Clayton Webb’s arms, right into his bed.

That’s why you can’t get past this. That’s why it’s easier to lash out at her than it is to listen, to hear her out.

And it’s better than hearing the words that will end this dance for good. Because no matter what happens now, you know you’ve lost your heart, and if she walks away with it now, you won’t be able to go on.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And there's nothing wrong but there is something more,
And sometimes you wonder what you love her for,
She says you've known her deepest fears,
Cause she's shown you a box of stained glass tears
It can't be all,
The truth about the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls.

Somehow, though, it seems so easy for her to forgive you. You’ve hurt her, deeply, with your words, but still she’s there. She supports you no matter what you say or do. On the outside, everything appears to be as it should. Friends and partners.

But you both know the truth. You both know that your words and her actions have cut each of you more deeply than either of you want to admit. And you know neither of you will admit it; you have too much pride for that. But still you love her.

And god it hurts, so much sometimes that it drives the breath right out of your lungs. Every time you hear her voice, that soft sexy voice, tell you that she going to be with him you die a little bit more inside.

Still you understand her need. You know why she’s with him. He’s telling her, as well as showing her, how much he wants her, needs her.

And that’s what she craves; being wanted, needed.

You need her, but she doesn’t know that.

She’s told you that, before being an ‘us’ was even a thought in your head. She told you where she came from, shared the pain of her early life, her weaknesses. She gave you the tools you needed to wield your verbal weapons at her, to cut her as deeply as you could.

To make her hurt as badly as you do.

Yet she still gave herself to you that night, that last night in another country. Away from the real world, where you could pretend, even for just a little while, that you weren’t who you were. You were in a world where a man just needed a woman, and you gave her what you could. You gave her all you had left.

And she took it...and walked away.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
But when she gave you more to find,
You let her think you'd lost your mind,
And that's all on you.
Feeling helpless if she asked for help
Or scared you'd have to change yourself.

But after the dust had cleared, you moved on too. You said your private goodbyes in a soulful, blues tune. You led a dangerous life, took unnecessary risks, because nothing mattered anymore. You cut yourself off from everyone and everything that had to do with *that* life, the one you were no longer wanted or needed in.

But she called. She still tried to reach out to you.

You ignored her.

She came to you, needed you.

You pushed her away.

But that didn’t stop you from going to her for help when you needed it. You pushed; she let you. And in the end she let you in. She did what you asked. She took a stranger’s case, just because it was you that asked.

Then when she took a stand against you, tried to win, you threw one of her greatest weaknesses at her, publicly. A weakness uttered in confidence and you broke that trust. It hurt her and you knew you were wrong.

Still, she forgave you.

You needed her again, trusted her to be there for you, even when you weren’t really there for her. You trusted her with a delicate matter, expected no questions from her, just blind trust in return.

But she did ask. She asked questions you weren’t ready to deal with. Especially not while she was involved with another man. Not after everything she gave up.

Again you played on her insecurities. You tossed out a parting remark, with all of the grace of a hand grenade, and blew away any chance that you might have still had.

And when she walked into that courtroom your heart felt like it might explode.

She came. For you.

She served up her heart, laid it out in the open, not just to the court but to you. She gave you even more ammunition against her. She fought for you, for what she knew you wanted.

And when all you wanted was for her stay...again she walked away.

Maybe each time she expects you to come after her. But you are who you are, and you don’t know if you can ever change.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And you can't deny this room will keep you warm,
You can look out of your window at the storm,
But you watch the phone and hope it rings,
You'll take her anyway she sings,
Or how she calls,
The beauty of the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls

Standing here, remembering, reliving your mistakes makes you ache. You ache in a way you never have before. You want so badly to reach out, to touch her. But you don’t know how.

You stood there and held Mattie awkwardly, wishing, hoping that somehow you would find the courage. Somehow you could find the strength that Mac found to forgive, to fight for you.

But it’s just not there yet.

Her words to you, from her apartment, echo in your mind.

She agreed to have your children, told you it was almost here. The panic on her face, the tone of her voice told you all you needed to know when she asked if there were someone else, another woman. She wants you to fight for her. She wants to be a part of your life.

She still wants you. You saw raw, naked need in her eyes.

And you still want her, too. You want her here with you now. Being inside her, her being wrapped tightly around you, was the answer to every prayer you’ve ever whispered. And you need her again. But now it all seems so far out of reach.

More than anything you wish she’d call. If she can’t be here with you at least her voice is the next best thing. But after seventeen unreturned calls you highly doubt she will. Still, you need to hear that voice. Your ravaged heart needs the peace only her friendship can give you.

She’s like a warm spring rain, a rain that melts and washes away the winter snow. And you know that if she’d just call she could melt the savage ice that’s formed around your heart.

Before you even realize that you’ve moved the phone is in your hand, dialing her number.

You know that she can.

She’s the only one who can.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
How it falls How it falls How it falls...

The End.


~~~~~~~ And you know the light is fading all too soon, You're just two umbrellas one late afternoon. You don't know the next thing you will say, This is your favorite kind of day, It has no walls. The beauty of the rain Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls. You miss her. Maybe if she were here she’d make this day bearable. But she’s not. Not for the first time you wonder where she is, what she’s doing, who she’s with... The lights are all off in your apartment, the darkness cocooning you like a blanket. But really there is nothing warm about the darkness. Darkness is cold. Just like your life right now. You sit here in your cold, dark apartment alone and watch out the window as the snowy, rainy mix falls outside. It covers the streets and sidewalks below but you don’t really care. You usually love a rainy day. It’s simple, uncomplicated, straight forward....but not today. Throw snow into it and you get...complicated. It shouldn’t really bother you, the weather. You have nowhere that you need to be today, no one special to see. Because even though she did her best to help you, the courts are still undecided about you. For right now you’re still alone. You don’t even have Mattie. But maybe you will someday, someday soon. All because of one special woman. Because of a woman that’s not yours because you didn’t fight. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t know you were supposed to, that you took her at face value, took the word ‘never’ to mean just that. That after everything you’ve shared over the past eight years, and one stolen moment in a hotel room in Paraguay, you took her at her word. You trusted what she said, because of all of the things you’ve done to each other, lying was never one of them. Hateful, hurtful words...now that was another story. Those you didn’t seem to have any problem hurling at each other. And even though you’re back now, that hasn’t stopped. Because you’re angry. She hurt you. You poured your soul into touching her, into showing her how much she meant to you. After staring at another dead woman, you needed to feel Mac, alive and writhing in your arms. Shouting out your name. Nothing said up to that point mattered in that moment in time. But the next day she still walked away. She told you it would never work and she walked right into Clayton Webb’s arms, right into his bed. That’s why you can’t get past this. That’s why it’s easier to lash out at her than it is to listen, to hear her out. And it’s better than hearing the words that will end this dance for good. Because no matter what happens now, you know you’ve lost your heart, and if she walks away with it now, you won’t be able to go on. ~~~~~~~ And there's nothing wrong but there is something more, And sometimes you wonder what you love her for, She says you've known her deepest fears, Cause she's shown you a box of stained glass tears It can't be all, The truth about the rain Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls. Somehow, though, it seems so easy for her to forgive you. You’ve hurt her, deeply, with your words, but still she’s there. She supports you no matter what you say or do. On the outside, everything appears to be as it should. Friends and partners. But you both know the truth. You both know that your words and her actions have cut each of you more deeply than either of you want to admit. And you know neither of you will admit it; you have too much pride for that. But still you love her. And god it hurts, so much sometimes that it drives the breath right out of your lungs. Every time you hear her voice, that soft sexy voice, tell you that she going to be with him you die a little bit more inside. Still you understand her need. You know why she’s with him. He’s telling her, as well as showing her, how much he wants her, needs her. And that’s what she craves; being wanted, needed. You need her, but she doesn’t know that. She’s told you that, before being an ‘us’ was even a thought in your head. She told you where she came from, shared the pain of her early life, her weaknesses. She gave you the tools you needed to wield your verbal weapons at her, to cut her as deeply as you could. To make her hurt as badly as you do. Yet she still gave herself to you that night, that last night in another country. Away from the real world, where you could pretend, even for just a little while, that you weren’t who you were. You were in a world where a man just needed a woman, and you gave her what you could. You gave her all you had left. And she took it...and walked away. ~~~~~~~ But when she gave you more to find, You let her think you'd lost your mind, And that's all on you. Feeling helpless if she asked for help Or scared you'd have to change yourself. But after the dust had cleared, you moved on too. You said your private goodbyes in a soulful, blues tune. You led a dangerous life, took unnecessary risks, because nothing mattered anymore. You cut yourself off from everyone and everything that had to do with that life, the one you were no longer wanted or needed in. But she called. She still tried to reach out to you. You ignored her. She came to you, needed you. You pushed her away. But that didn’t stop you from going to her for help when you needed it. You pushed; she let you. And in the end she let you in. She did what you asked. She took a stranger’s case, just because it was you that asked. Then when she took a stand against you, tried to win, you threw one of her greatest weaknesses at her, publicly. A weakness uttered in confidence and you broke that trust. It hurt her and you knew you were wrong. Still, she forgave you. You needed her again, trusted her to be there for you, even when you weren’t really there for her. You trusted her with a delicate matter, expected no questions from her, just blind trust in return. But she did ask. She asked questions you weren’t ready to deal with. Especially not while she was involved with another man. Not after everything she gave up. Again you played on her insecurities. You tossed out a parting remark, with all of the grace of a hand grenade, and blew away any chance that you might have still had. And when she walked into that courtroom your heart felt like it might explode. She came. For you. She served up her heart, laid it out in the open, not just to the court but to you. She gave you even more ammunition against her. She fought for you, for what she knew you wanted. And when all you wanted was for her stay...again she walked away. Maybe each time she expects you to come after her. But you are who you are, and you don’t know if you can ever change. ~~~~~~~ And you can't deny this room will keep you warm, You can look out of your window at the storm, But you watch the phone and hope it rings, You'll take her anyway she sings, Or how she calls, The beauty of the rain Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls Standing here, remembering, reliving your mistakes makes you ache. You ache in a way you never have before. You want so badly to reach out, to touch her. But you don’t know how. You stood there and held Mattie awkwardly, wishing, hoping that somehow you would find the courage. Somehow you could find the strength that Mac found to forgive, to fight for you. But it’s just not there yet. Her words to you, from her apartment, echo in your mind. She agreed to have your children, told you it was almost here. The panic on her face, the tone of her voice told you all you needed to know when she asked if there were someone else, another woman. She wants you to fight for her. She wants to be a part of your life. She still wants you. You saw raw, naked need in her eyes. And you still want her, too. You want her here with you now. Being inside her, her being wrapped tightly around you, was the answer to every prayer you’ve ever whispered. And you need her again. But now it all seems so far out of reach. More than anything you wish she’d call. If she can’t be here with you at least her voice is the next best thing. But after seventeen unreturned calls you highly doubt she will. Still, you need to hear that voice. Your ravaged heart needs the peace only her friendship can give you. She’s like a warm spring rain, a rain that melts and washes away the winter snow. And you know that if she’d just call she could melt the savage ice that’s formed around your heart. Before you even realize that you’ve moved the phone is in your hand, dialing her number. You know that she can. She’s the only one who can. ~~~~~~~ How it falls How it falls How it falls... The End. Back to Fanfictions
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