I Already Do...

Caution's in the wind, the hardest part is through

You don't have to try so hard, to make me fall for you

I've surprised myself, with what I've gone and done

Just today I heard myself, swear you were the one

Laugh, I just have to laugh, I really thought you knew

I can't believe that you're asking me

When I will love you

I already do, I already do

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I can’t describe what it feels like to wake up with her in my arms after all of that time apart. It’s been three months now and I still don’t know how I lived without her for so long. I’m still amazed that only she can make me feel this way.

I had opened my eyes that morning after to the sun streaming through the slightly parted curtains of our hotel room, its rays playing across my face, warming me. Not that I needed it. The woman beside me was doing a fine job of it already. I still couldn’t believe that she was there, with me, that we were finally there together. I was so afraid that after we gave in to each other it would all end somehow. That’s why I thought that we should talk about where we were going to go from there.

But that was then, and we still haven’t talked about it. I tried to bring it up immediately, but she said she wasn’t ready, that she just wanted to enjoy this thing between us, whatever it is. I know what it is for me: love. I love her, but something held me back from saying the words then, and for some reason I still can’t say them now. I can fly combat missions in an F-14, I can shred the testimony of even the toughest witness, but I can’t tell her I love her. I am pathetic.

So, instead of plunging ahead, I agreed with her. We got up and, after some very hot and heavy fooling around in the shower, went back to work. As if by some sort of miracle we managed to work really well together and finished our assignment without any problems. Things were fine, or so it seemed. The only thing was, I really had no idea where to go after that. There were only two things I knew for sure: that I loved her, and I wanted her again.

We were walking off of the base, heading toward the car, when I knew I had to do something before everything we had just found slipped away from us.

"Hey, Mac?" I asked tentatively, not recognizing my own voice.

"Yeah, Harm?" was her wary reply.

Plunging ahead, I took the leap. "I was wondering...um...would you...like to have dinner with me?" ‘Jesus, that was smooth, Rabb,’ I couldn’t help but think to myself.

I was so worried by her silence, which seemed to go on forever. Then liquid fire flowed through me when I saw that incredible smile light up her face before she answered. "I would love to have dinner with you, Harm."

I couldn’t help but be relieved. I hadn’t realized how much I wanted her to say yes until the moment that she did. Smiling back at her, we both got in the car and headed home. We held hands, making small talk and stealing sweet kisses all of the way home like a couple of kids.

We went to dinner that night, her looking absolutely amazing, and me as nervous as a teenager on his first date. I mean this was no ordinary date, and it was no ordinary woman. This was Mac. This was finally "us". I was afraid that things would be awkward after everything that we’d been through over the last two years but it wasn’t. We had an incredible time talking, laughing, touching. After we ate I took her dancing, a totally ulterior motive on my part, and the feel of her body against mine was intoxicating. The mesmerizing sway of her hips, the hypnotic pull of her eyes. Just knowing she was with me was enough to make me forget, for just a little while, that there was more that needed to be said and done to make this work between us.

I took her home with me that night, both of us barely making it in the door before we came together, bodies melding, mouths meeting. Then we did something I had only dreamed of doing. I made love to her in MY bed. In a way, it was almost a spiritual experience. I had imagined her, there with me, so many times in the past that when it was finally a reality, I was awed and humbled by the sheer magnitude of the moment. Most of my dreams about us had now come true. Well..at least one of the really big ones anyway. There was still more that I wanted, no needed, from her.

But as wonderful as these last few months have been personally, they’ve been extremely tough professionally. Our professional lives haven’t been cooperating with us at all. One thing right after another has plagued us. Whether it has been being assigned opposing council on our court cases, or being on the same side of things as in the tribunal, something unseen always seems to be standing between us. And ever since we became involved romantically, Mac has been keeping me at arms length at work. She’s done everything she can possibly do to keep things under wraps while we’re in the office or on assignments, which is probably for the best since I have a tough time keeping my hands to myself whenever she’s within five feet of me anymore. After all that time keeping myself under control, you’d think it’d be easier. Nope. It’s hard as hell.

And while I understand the need to keep things quiet, or at least discreet in public, its still frustrating that it’s started filtering into our private lives as well. I mean hell, we were stuck out in the desert, totally alone, and Mac was partitioning off sleeping space. We’re lovers for Christ’s sake. But as long as our situation has anything to do with JAG it’s all business with her. I just can’t quite put my finger on exactly what’s wrong.

But whatever it is, it’s been there for a while and I’m sure both of us can sense it, we’ve both just been ignoring it. We go on, as if nothing is really different between us, as if nothing has changed and we’re just Harm and Mac, partners and friends. Complacency has always been the staple of our relationship. Just ignore it and let it fester until it rears up and bites us on the ass. One of us really should break the cycle. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to be the one that does it.

Everything really has changed now, though. Yes, she is still my best friend; she’s still the only person I would trust with my life. She’s the only one I would ever want as my partner. But now she’s also the woman I love. Which, by the way, is nothing new. I’ve always felt the love that’s between us, I just denied and ignored it the first two years, then tried to talk myself out of it the last four. And believe me, I’m not proud of myself where she’s concerned. I’ve always done wrong by her emotionally. But now I’m ready to admit it, to myself and to everyone else that she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want my children to look like her. I want her to be the last thing I see before closing my eyes at night and the first thing I feel before I even open them up in the morning. I want it all. With her...

But I am so afraid.

Not of commitment; not with Mac. Mac is the one. I’ve known that from the first moment we met and I touched her. No, what I’m afraid of, what I’ve always been afraid of, is losing her. All of the other women that have come along since I met her, they all knew where they stood in my life, in my heart, even though none of them ever heard it from me. Even Renee, the one that stuck around the longest, she always knew that my heart and soul belong to Sarah Mackenzie. She’s my life.

But now we’re here, standing in the intensive care unit at Bethesda , trying to help pick up the pieces of someone else’s shattered life. Bud Roberts didn’t deserve this. I’ve watched him grow for more than six years, as a lawyer, a person, a husband, a father. Bud and Harriet are two of the most decent individuals I have ever known. It’s not fair. We’re in a war, and I realize that, but this wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to him; not to them.

Life is cruel and unjust sometimes.

Or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a warped version of equality. Bad things happen to both good and bad people and vice versa. The men we’re fighting have lost a lot as well. Are they justified in what they’re doing? Hell no. Are innocent people going to get hurt? Always. On both sides.

And it’s so easy to think of Bud as an innocent. He has that beautiful, childlike spirit that we all wish we had. He’s been through as much as the next guy, his father being a physically abusive bastard, but Bud didn’t turn out that way. The opposite really. He’s kind, and generous, and open and loving. He wears his emotions on his sleeve, and once upon a time I used to think that was a bad thing. But he was happy. He has a wonderful life: a beautiful wife, an amazing son, a great job. And now this. Baby Sarah’s death took so much out of him and he was just starting to get his life back together. Now what? Now he’s fighting for another chance at that close to perfect life.

How many times have I been there and just barely made it through? And how many of those times has Mac been there with me, risking it all, right along side of me? Too many to count or remember. But it doesn’t matter. One time should have meant more than enough. And here we are, six years later, and I still haven’t told her how I feel about her. That could be me laying in that hospital bed, fighting for it all. Mac was right. I was damn lucky in that mine field. I was also damn lucky it didn’t happen to her. We were there, not a week ago, talking about how she wanted to die. Was she nuts? Sure I joked with her and tried to laugh it off, but that was not a conversation I ever wanted to have, especially about her. I don’t want to lose her. I can’t lose her.

But all that doesn’t seem to matter now. She’s completely pulled away from me, again. And as usual it was my own stupid fault. After ditching the nuke, I had come back to the Seahawk, with nothing on my mind but finding her and holding onto her forever. I had every intention of telling her, right there in front of God and everyone, exactly how I feel. But it didn’t happen. What really happened still makes me sick to my stomach. It was a simple "congratulations" to my RIO, a simple hug. That’s all I meant for it to be anyway. Well, she obviously had other ideas and the next thing I know, Jorgenson is kissing me. I mean like really kissing me. And Mac ended up seeing the whole damn show. I tried to explain, that it didn’t mean anything, but she wouldn’t listen.

She played it off like it was no big deal, that it wasn’t any of her business what I was doing. Like hell it isn’t. It is her business and I told her so. But I could see it in her eyes. The subject was closed. I had hurt her, again. That’s all I ever seem to do. I hate seeing that look in her eyes, that look she gets when I’ve opened my mouth and completely shoved my whole foot in there. And let me tell you, I have big feet. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now. Think first, then react. But no, the opposite always seems to happen. I can’t seem to get it right, no matter how many chances I get.

Glancing down the hallway I see her move to one of the chairs in the waiting room, the Admiral sitting next to her and holding her hand. A wave of jealousy immediately floods through me. I know their relationship is that of a friend and fellow officer but that doesn’t seem to matter right now. It should be me sitting there next to her, my hand in hers, my arms around her. I should be the one she wants to comfort her. Unable to stop myself I walk over to them, coming to stand in front of the pair, my arms folded across my chest. Noticing the shadow, both look up to see me, my gaze never leaving the Admirals face.

The message I’m sending to him I don’t think could be any clearer than if I said the words out loud. Mac looks up at me questioningly and AJ with a look of understanding. Men do understand each other. He knows how I feel and what I want, and now I’m pretty sure that we don’t even have to fill him in as to the current status of our relationship. He knows she’s mine.

Without a word the Admiral stands, giving a slight nod in my direction before heading down the hall to Bud’s room, I’m assuming to check on Harriet. Silently I pick up Mac’s hand, my fingers weaving together with hers as I look deeply into her eyes, begging for permission for the small gesture. The confused look still hasn’t left her face, and for a minute I panic, thinking maybe she doesn’t want me here with her. That’s when I see it. The veil drops and I can see all the pain, all of the fear, and yes, all of the love.

Being as gentle as I can, I pull her into my arms, letting her feel my strength, what little there is left of it. We’re both so tired, mentally and physically. I just want to take her away, hold her against me and never let go. I can feel her soft sobs and do my best to comfort her. I’m glad she’s getting this release. It’ll help her. I really wish I could cry. I really wish I could find that release within myself. But I can’t.

I can only remember really crying three times in my life, and all three were for my father. The first I remember was that Christmas Eve so long ago. The second, after returning from Vietnam that first time and not finding him. And the third was when I finally found him in Russia. And all three times it made me so angry. I have no idea why. Maybe because it made me feel weak, a crack in the armor, a slip of control. You lose control and you die...

Silly? Maybe. But that’s always just how I felt. Now, with Mac in my arms, it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

"Harm?"

Her small whisper barely registers, but it’s enough for me to pull away slightly and look at her. I’m almost afraid to ask, this being our first intimate conversation since...well, it’s been a while. "What is it, Mac?"

"Take me home, Harm. I want you to take me home."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You've been doing fine, please don't change a thing

It's too good to hide away, so I might as well come clean

I didn't shout it out, but everybody knew

Funny you're the only one who didn't have a clue

Laugh, I just have to laugh, I really thought you knew

I can't believe that you're asking me

When I will love you

I already do, I already do

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After saying our goodbyes to Harriet and the Admiral, and giving our promises to be back tomorrow, I walk Mac out of the hospital and down to the car. After making sure she’s settled in, and with a brief kiss to her lips, I head over to the driver’s side. The ride home is so quiet. She’s looking out the window, taking in the sights of the city as we pass by on the way to my apartment, but I’m sure she’s not really seeing them. I wish I knew what to say to her to make it better. Truth is I just don’t have the words.

We finally pull up outside the building, and after shutting off the car, I make my way around the SUV and open her door. Helping her out, I place my arm around her waist before kicking the door shut. She’s clinging to me and I can’t help but feel a little better about things when she’s this close to me. She needs me, just like I need her. My life was hell when she wasn’t really in it. Sure she was always there but she wasn’t "with" me. Now she’s mine and I don’t plan on ever being in that position again. Ever.

We make it up to my floor, standing at the door while I fish out my keys. That’s when I feel her hands on me. Momentarily distracted I look at her face, searching those deep, dark pools. What I see there both excites and humbles me at the same time. I want to be sure, to know for sure that she really wants this. But there’s no need to voice it. With her eyes never leaving mine I feel her fingertips trail down my chest, undoing the buttons of my shirt, working their way down. Then I feel her rub me through my jeans, and the sensation threatens to overwhelm me.

I can’t hold back the groan as I reach for her, my mouth seeking out hers. My hands find their way to her hips and I pull her against me roughly, letting her feel how turned on I am. I need her so badly. She hasn’t let me touch her, like this, in three weeks. Three really long, miserable weeks. Now, my body is like a live wire.

There’s electricity everywhere, all around us in the dimly lit hall. When I feel her undoing my belt, my brain finally catches up and I realize that I need to get this damn door open before I end up taking her right out in the hallway. Somehow I manage just as she gets the belt undone and the top button unbuttoned on my jeans. We’re still kissing, unwilling to let that connection be broken for any reason. There is no other sensation I have ever experienced that even comes close to kissing Sarah Mackenzie. The heat and passion in just one of her kisses is enough to render me powerless.

Loss of control.

The idea still frightens me. Even as a grown man. I still feel like I’m six years old at times, struggling so hard to be the man of the house, trying to be the strength that I know my mom needs. I had to stay strong. Show no weakness. But it’s not possible anymore. Now Mac needs me, and I need her, desperately.

No sooner have I shut the door and Mac is there, pressed up against me. Somewhere it registers in my barely functioning mind that I need to say something to her right now about how I feel. She needs to know what this, what she, means to me. It’s more than physical. This is everything; this is life.

Her lips leave mine and for a moment I’m distracted by the loss of contact. But before I can even protest, her lips are moving over the exposed skin of my chest, her hands caressing, molding the muscles at the same time. I feel the moist heat of her mouth as it latches on to my nipple and I can’t hold back another groan as my knees threaten to buckle. Still she works, sucking and then gently tugging on it with her teeth. Never has a woman held this kind of power over me.

"Oh, Mac," I groan. I can’t believe that’s my voice.

"Mmmm?" is the only sound I hear before she moves on to the other nipple, diving into the task with equal enthusiasm. I thought only women were supposed to really like this. I love Mac’s breasts. I’d have to say they are one of my favorite places on her body. But this feels really, really good. I’m so caught up in the sensations her mouth is invoking, that I almost come out of my skin when I feel her hand working the full length of my cock just inside of my jeans. I’m close, so close. I need to stop her or this is going to be over way too soon.

"Mac, baby. You need to stop...I’m...too close." Well that sounded convincing.

She looks up at me and our eyes lock, her hand still working me. "Are you? Are you close, Harm?" She has this look in her eyes that I’ve never seen before. It’s dark and dangerous and I’ll be damned if it’s not one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. I watch, transfixed, as she licks her swollen lips, and I ponder just how, exactly, I’m going to answer her. Trouble is I can’t think of anything to say. I can’t think period. My mind is on autopilot, only acknowledging the pleasure I feel at her touch. I barely manage a nod of my head to confirm that I am, indeed, way too close. A lazy, sexy smile plays about her lips before she moves away. Immediately I feel bereft and disappointment sets in, but not for long.

I can almost feel, rather than see her cat like movements. The apartment is dark, save the moonlight streaming through the windows surrounding, but it just serves to heighten my other senses. I can smell the heady scent of her incredible perfume. I can almost feel the heat radiating from every pore of her luscious body. And even in the darkness I can see the passion glowing in her eyes.

My eyes stalk her, following her every move, her every breath. Slowly she begins to undress, piece by piece, taunting me. With every action she's daring me to move, to reach out and take what she's offering, what she knows I want. And God, do I want her. I've never wanted another woman like I want her, in every way. I want her heart and soul, her mind and body. I want her to be as totally consumed with me as I am with her. I never imagined I would ever feel this much love for someone; I just didn't think that kind of love was real, or even possible. But now, looking at her, watching her, I know that it is. After seven years the feelings and emotions have only intensified instead of waning.

I step forward, willing to join in the chase, and she immediately steps backwards. So this is how she wants to play. I can see the moonlight glint off the white silk of her bra as she reaches up to undo the clasp between her perfect breasts. Almost in slow motion she brushes the material away before cupping both breasts, her thumbs rubbing over nipples that I know are a dusky cinnamon. I can see her perfect teeth as she offers up a sexy smile in response to the growl that emanates from me at her wanton display.

Advancing once again towards her I start to remove my shirt, all the while feeling her eyes traveling up and down my chest. Instinctively I flex my pecs and receive a throaty giggled, "Stud," in her now husky voice. Going along with this I drape my shirt over my shoulder and swagger, yes swagger, closer. When I'm almost toe to toe with her she darts sideways and I almost catch her by grabbing for her hips, but the silk of her panties allows her to slide out of my grasp. "Maaacc," I warn her. Next time she won't be so lucky.

Knowing that I'm coming for her, and that I'll be prepared for the hindering slickness that those barely there panties provided earlier, she turns the heat up another notch. Sliding first one hand, then the other, down her sides until they come to rest inside the scrap of silk that is covering up what I'm searching for. With legs slightly parted, one hand trails back up the firm planes of her stomach to the fullness of her breasts, while the other hand, although hidden, begins seeking out the slick heat waiting inside of her. The hand at her breast starts stroking and pulling first one nipple, then the other, making them larger and harder with every stroke. Her eyes never leave mine, and the hungry look I see in them, I know, mirrors my own.

She’s playing with fire and she knows it. My hand hovers over the open fly of my button-fly jeans, barely grazing the straining flesh peaking out from the slightly parted material. Our eyes never leave each others as we still continue our dance to the bedroom. Teasing me, she brings her now wet fingers up to her lips and now it’s my turn to counter. Gripping the top of each side I yank at the material of my pants, and all the rest of the buttons come undone with a loudness that echoes throughout the silence. Her eyes widen but she continues, her tongue coming out to lick her essence off her fingers. God, she’s amazing.

This time when I start towards her and she tries to dart the other way, I use the shirt that has been draped over my shoulder to lasso her, pulling her back against my chest. My hands grab her hips to keep her from fleeing and I turn her, none too gently, guiding her onto the bed.. On all fours she moves, bracing her hands on the wall at the head of the bed. Moving behind her, my hands move up to cup her breasts while my body traps her. Her playful struggling keeps causing her silk clad bottom to stimulate me even more and I’m really surprised I haven’t spontaneously combusted yet. Have I mentioned that it's been three really long weeks? While my hands are occupied with her fabulous breasts my lips and tongue are traveling the length of skin between her ear and her soft shoulder, paying special attention to that spot that makes her tremble with need.

With one hand still on her breast, my right hand slides down her stomach until it reaches the lace edging of silk, sliding underneath, seeking her core. She parts her legs wider for me as my fingers slide through her wetness, and I can’t help but grind my erection into her. She is so incredibly wet and so very hot. Her hands that had been braced against the wall cover each of my hands on her body, helping me stimulate herself. As much as I like the position we’re in, it’s not enough. Pushing her flat onto her back I move between her legs and take her mouth once more. Reaching down, her hands slide along my hips, trying to push my jeans down as she whispers against my lips, "Those buttons are killing me". I can’t help but smile at the reality of the moment, and she shares one with me as well.

Lifting up slightly for her, we finally manage to get rid of my jeans. Then her hands continue to slide their way over my hips, down my thighs and finally back up to rest on my ass where she grabs and pulls me closer, all while writhing underneath me. Leaning forward I take a straining nipple into my mouth, and her moan washes over me. Never leaving my task I look up at her face. I can see the pleasure etched in her every feature. Everything is building and building. She’s still in her panties and the feel of them along my throbbing cock does me in. My control finally snaps and I grab the sides of the garment and impatiently rip them in half. Now we're skin against skin, the tip of my cock brushing against her, sliding sensuously along her folds. Our mingled moans of approval ring out, and in the next moment I’m buried in her as deep as I can be.

I grit my teeth for a moment, fighting my body’s initial reaction to empty myself immediately. I knew I was close but I had no idea I was that close. I catch a flash of surprise on her face and wonder why it’s there. I’m about to ask her about it, but then her eyelids flutter shut and she rocks against me, and all thought ceases at that moment. We move together, grinding against each other, faster and faster. My breath comes in shorter, faster pants as I feel her internal muscles gripping me tightly. Right before I explode I hear her cry out her release and spasm under me, and I swear it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. With a strangled shout of her name, I spill into her and that’s when I hear it.

"I love you, Harm."

It’s whispered, but I could hear it as if she shouted it from the rooftops. I’m spent, laying on top of her and with every ounce of strength I possess I clutch her tightly to me. I still can’t get enough air in my lungs, but it’s the fullness of my heart that truly silences me. Resting my forehead on hers, I close my eyes and just bask in the moment. I’d be content to stay right where I am forever, her arms wrapped tightly around me, rubbing light circles on my back.

After a moment I realize I must be crushing her and roll to the side, still never releasing her. We just lay there, neither speaking, both knowing that the course of our relationship has changed drastically with just three simple words. Speaking of words, I think I have something I need to say.

"Sarah?" When there’s no answer I try again. "Mac? Honey?"

I chance a look down at the beauty in my arms and find her asleep. I have to chuckle; I thought only men fell asleep after making love. Hmm. You know it’s funny, it was always just sex before Mac. Now I can’t think of it in any other context but "making love".

I watch her chest rise and fall, feel her even breathing fanning across my neck, and come to the conclusion she definitely has the right idea. In all the excitement of the last hour, hell the last week, I had forgotten how tired we both were. Gathering her even closer, if that’s possible, I lay my cheek against her soft hair and start to drift off.

My last thought before sleep claims me is that I can’t believe Sarah Mackenzie loves me.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I gave you my heart

Can't you feel the power

You wanna see the light

Baby, the sun's been up for hours

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I feel the warmth of the morning sun on my skin before I ever even open my eyes. But I don’t have to open my eyes to realize I’m alone in bed. Slightly alarmed I open my eyes, reaching out at the same time to feel her side of the bed. It’s cold. Sitting up, I search around the apartment, never leaving my bed. I don’t see her anywhere and for a moment I just listen, trying to hear her. I don’t hear anything and I can’t help but wonder where she is.

Getting up, I notice her clothes are no longer scattered around my bedroom and disappointment creeps in. I like seeing her things scattered around my place. She must have gotten up and left. Damn it. Where the hell did she go at...6:43 in the morning? Grabbing a pair of boxers, I put them on, making my way into the living...

There she is. She’s sitting out on the fire escape watching the sunrise. Christ, she’s beautiful. Making my way over to the door I start to open it when I notice the tears making their way down her face. As quietly as I can I open the door and move to stand behind her.

"I didn’t expect you to be up for a few hours yet."

Her voice is husky, and I have a feeling it’s from the tears and not from the love making of the night before. "I could say the same for you, Mac. Why aren’t you in bed with me?"

She sniffs, wiping the tears with the back of her hand, but her eyes never leave the sunrise in front of us. "I wasn’t planning on being here at all when you woke up."

The fear is back full force at the tone of her voice. Something is definitely not right. "Why is that, Mac?"

The answering silence speaks louder than words. I can see the wheels turning, her face giving away the fact that she has something to say but she’s trying to figure out the best way to say it. Whatever it is I already know I’m not going to like it.

"I’m going...I’m going away, Harm."

Boy was I ever right. That was not what I wanted to hear. Instead of the panic that usually sets in, anger takes it’s place. If she thinks I’m just going to let her leave me she has another thing coming. "No, you’re not."

That got a reaction from her. "Excuse me?" she asks indignantly.

"I said no, you are not." I answer defiantly.

"Harm, this isn’t working," she tries a different approach.

"What isn’t working? I think things are pretty great, Mac," I try to reason. "We’re getting along. Our friendship is back; we still work well together. And physically, well...I think we just about burn the place down."

A small sad smile plays about her lips before she counters with, "Great sex has never been the issue between us."

"You’re right," I agree readily. "It’s emotional issues that we absolutely suck at."

She can’t hold back a chuckle at that. She knows I’m right. "So, that just proves my point," she offers matter-of-factly, serious once again.

"And that would be what? That we’d be better off apart?" Mutely she nods. "That’s where you’re wrong, Mac. We’ve tried it, remember? It was the worst two years of my life," I utter, and it’s the God’s honest truth.

"I know," she whispers and looks away from me, unable to meet my eyes.

"Then you know why I can’t let you run away, Sarah." Her head shoots up at that, and by the look in her eyes I can tell I just said something really wrong.

"I can’t run away? You have a hell of a lot of nerve, Harmon Rabb." She starts to push her way past me, but I reach out for her arm and pull her back to me. She’s now plastered against my chest, trapped by my arms now wrapped tightly around her.

"Don’t leave."

"Why not, Harm? Give me a reason," she pleads.

"You know the reason." I reply. She has to know. She has to.

"I need a better reason. Tell me this is more than just sex, Harm. Tell me that there’s more to it than just having some fun. Tell me I’m not just someone to pass the time until someone better comes along. Give me a reason to stay."

I’m so stunned by her words that for a moment I’m speechless. The pause is long enough for the hurt to cloud her eyes and she starts to pull away again. The words once again reverberate through my head. No. She’s not walking away this time.

"You can’t leave me, Mac. You want to know why?" I ask, desperate for her to finally realize the truth. "Because you are my life, Sarah. I made the mistake of watching you walk away once, and felt like I’d lost my soul. I won’t make the same mistake again. I don’t ever want to live without you again, ever."

"But, Harm, what about everything else in our lives? What about work? What are we going to do?"

"Whatever it takes," I answer honestly, and for the first time I know that it’s true. "We’ll make it work. We can do anything, just the two of us."

"It might not be that easy, Harm," she counters nervously.

"Why is that, Mac?"

"Because last night...we..." she tries to speak, but ends up looking down at our feet.

Now she’s really worrying me. I raise her chin with my fingertip. "Honey, what is it?"

She relaxes somewhat at the endearment, but she’s still fidgeting. "We didn’t use anything, Harm."

It takes a minute to understand but the light bulb finally turns on. "Wow."

"Yeah. What happens if we...if I..."

"Get pregnant?" I supply.

"Yes."

I ponder the possibilities for a moment before I speak. "Mac, would it really be that awful?"

She looks taken aback. Stuttering she squeaks out, "No. You know how much I want a child. I just thought...I mean we’ve always used something. I just figured you didn’t..."

That’s it. It’s confession time. "Mac, I just knew we weren’t ready to deal with a child at the time. We had a lot of baggage to get rid of first. It’s not that I don’t want one."

"You mean you do?" her meek, small voice utters.

"Of course I do. And I want one with you. Mac...Sarah, I always want you in my life. I want to marry you. I want to have babies with you. I want to tie you so tightly to me that nothing can ever separate us again."

"You...you mean that?" she replies in utter astonishment.

"Yes." Not wasting another moment, I claim her lips in a hungry kiss.

When we break apart, both gasping, she tries to speak. "What about love, Harm? I need that. I’ve went so long without you. I don’t know how long I can wait for you to love me the way I love you."

"Oh, Mac." Cupping her face in my hands I hold her gaze as I tell her. "I already do, Sarah. How could you not know how much you mean to me?" Now it’s her turn to be rendered mute. Her mouth gapes open and I smile at the sight. "You mean all this time, you really thought that I didn’t?"

"Well, I always hoped..."

"I love you, Sarah," I cut her off, unable to hold the words hostage any longer.

Her smile rivals the brilliance of the sun over our shoulders and I now know that what’s to come will be the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. "I love you too, Harm."

We kiss again as I begin to walk her back into the apartment. We’ve done enough talking for right now. Sure we have more to settle between us but we’ll get to that later. Hopefully much later. "So, does this mean you’ll stay with me?"

"Yeah, I guess it does," she murmurs against my lips as I begin to unbutton her blouse.

"And you’ll marry me?" There goes her bra.

"Yes," is her breathless reply.

"What about babies?" I ask as her jeans slide down her long, beautiful legs. Mmmm...she’s bare underneath. What happened to...?

"You ripped them off me last night. Remember?" her husky voice reminds me.

I can feel the heat flame over my face at the memory. "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

Her hands reach inside the waistband of my boxers, pushing them down. "You forgot, hmm? I guess I’ll just have to figure out a way to remind you," she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively before making a run for the bed, giggling. Sarah Mackenzie is finally all mine.

Speaking of mine. "Um, Mac? About those babies..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Laugh, I just have to laugh

I really thought you knew

I can't believe that you're asking me

When I will love you

I already do

I already do...

The End

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