*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So you live from day to day,
and dream about tomorrow.
And the hours go by like minutes,
and the shadows come to stay.
So you take a little something to make them go away.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Mac watched as the sun made its way slowly into the sky. The sun rose and the world came alive once again. She had always loved the sunrise. It was so beautiful, so peaceful A time for rebirth and renewal. It was the third day in a row Mac had watched as its bright, rainbow of colors filled her apartment. They splayed across her white walls like splashes of paint, casting the room in a soft glow.
She had spent the rest of Friday night here, all day Saturday, Sunday, and that’s how she planned to spend this morning. She had already called the Admiral yesterday and secured the day off. Maybe it was the tone of her voice but he had given in to her request without question, for which she would be eternally grateful. She really didn’t want to have to explain why she needed to pick up her car while Harm wasn’t there.
Turning her face up, Mac let the rays warm her face through the picture window. After all of the rain it was a good feeling, one of the few in the last few days. But even the beauty of the early morning wasn’t enough to warm her up to the idea of moving away from the window to answer the phone.
She knew who it was; he had been calling since Friday. After the cab ride home that night, Mac had entered her apartment to the shrill ring of her telephone. A quick glance at her caller ID had confirmed what she already knew and her machine had shown messages waiting. Ignoring it all she walked straight to her bedroom, stripping on her way to another shower, the need to be clean blocking everything else out.
She couldn’t understand it, this need to be...clean, to be cleansed. She’d done nothing wrong, had she? Why should she feel guilty?
Pushing all thought aside she’d finished and dressed in the most comfortable clothes she owned. She had no one to impress, and she sure as hell had no plans to go anywhere for the next few days.
And that’s how she had stayed for the next two days, living on nothing but coffee and feeding off of her memories.
And through it all he had kept calling. She’d listened to them all, all of the messages, each one breaking her heart a little bit more.
He sounded so lost, so sad, so....broken. He asked, he pleaded, he begged for her forgiveness and for her to call and let him know she was alright. Through it all she listened, even as the tears tracked down her cheeks...but she never answered. She couldn’t.
Even though she knew Clay was right, she just couldn’t bring herself to talk to him right now.
Time...she needed time. Time to think. Time to heal.
Or at least time enough to build those walls back up again before he could scale them. Maybe by then she would have the strength to talk to him.
Before she knew it, it was after eleven o’clock. Sighing loudly, Mac stood making her way over to the phone.
It was time to go.
Harm stood where he had been almost constantly since the early morning hours of Saturday. He knew he looked awful. He hadn’t eaten, hadn’t slept, afraid he’d miss her. She had to come back sometime, and he had been determined to be ready when she did. All weekend he had tried to call, tried to find her. When he still hadn’t heard from her last night he called the Admiral to ask for Monday off. He had expected his commanding officer to balk at the last minute request but was surprised when it had been granted without any resistence, for which Harm was grateful. He really didn’t want to explain to the Admiral why he really needed to see Mac.
After what had seemed like weeks of standing watch at this window, but had really only been a couple of days, Harm finally saw the vision he’d been hoping for when a cab pulled up and Mac stepped out. Not waiting, he ran from the apartment, catching the stairs two at a time on his way down.
Bursting through the door, Harm was shocked to find Mac standing there, staring at his building. She was propped up against her car, as if the weight of her body were just too much to bear.
Caught off guard, she stared at him, her mouth hanging slightly open. As he took a step toward her panic welled up, choking her. Her throat worked furiously but no sound would come out. There was nowhere for her to go with the car behind her. Close...god he was getting too close.
And then he was there, standing so near that she could feel his breath on her face. His fingertips began tracing over her delicate features; over her eyebrows, down her nose and across her cheekbones. Like a snake to the charmer she felt herself falling under his spell.
Soon, his lips were following the path his fingers had taken, his thumb finally passing over her bottom lip an instant before his lips met hers.
Her body jumped as if struck by lightning when his hands tangled in her hair, drawing her closer. "Mac...oh god, Mac...I’m....so...sorry..." he whispered raggedly between frantic kisses.
Too much. It was too much. Drowning...she was drowning, unable to breathe, unable to claw or fight her way to the surface.
They were both caught by surprise when her mental struggle for control finally made its way into reality. "No...no, NO!" she shoved him away roughly. "No..."
Stunned, he stood there panting.
For a long time they just stood there, eyeing each other.
Finally, she couldn’t take the silence any more. "Why...why are you here? I thought you’d be at work."
Suddenly finding his feet interesting, Harm shrugged his shoulders as he answered. "I didn’t want to miss you."
"So you asked the Admiral for the day off?" she asked indignantly.
His own anger started to rise along with his voice. "Yeah. Is that so hard to believe? I’ve been trying to call you all weekend, Mac."
Crossing her arms over her chest defensively, she looked away before speaking. "I know."
The sinking feeling was back in his gut. "You know?"
"Yeah, I know. I heard the messages...all of them."
"You were there. You were there but you didn’t answer." His voice was quiet now.
"Yes," she chose to answer, even though he hadn’t asked a question. He knew.
"Then you know how I feel, how sorry I am. Mac, I just wanted to explain..."
She cut him off before he could continue. "No. I don’t want to hear it, Harm. You don’t owe me an explanation."
"But, Mac, I..."
She went on, interrupting again, looking off at some point just over his shoulder. "You don’t, Harm. You don’t owe me anything. We aren’t a couple, you didn’t ‘cheat’ on me. There’s no reason for you..."
"Damn it, Sarah. Stop!"
Her focus jerked back up to his face. "Don’t call me that," she said, her voice shaking. "You don’t get to call me that."
"Oh, I don’t get to call you that but Webb can? Is that it?" he practically shouted. "Only certain people get that privilege? Or is it just the ones that make it into your b..."
"You finish that statement and this dance really is over, Harm."
The eerie calm of her voice stopped him cold. He took a deep breath, trying to get himself under control. "Look, Mac," he started, more cautious this time. "Please, let’s just go upstairs and talk. I want to tell you what happened that night. I need to tell you. Please."
When he reached for her again it was finally more than she could take. "I...just can’t...do this right now."
"Mac, please. We need to work this out..."
"No. I need to get away from you." Shaking her head furiously, Mac brushed away his touch as she got in her car, locking the door behind her.
The gesture was wasted on him though as he stood by, helpless and unmoving, and watched her speed away.
She drove faster than she should have, father and farther until she had absolutely no idea where she was. The sights were unfamiliar in this seedy part of town, but Mac really didn’t care. Tears blinded her vision as she continued to flee. Street signs ran together, buildings looked the same. Dive after endless dive drifted into view, all of them offering her the chance, all of them giving her a way to escape, even if it was just for a little while.
But still she drove.
With the seed of temptation planted the ache started out dull, then built and built until it was a constant pounding in her head, in her chest. It robbed the breath from her lungs. There was only one thing she knew would make it all go away. Only one thing...only one thing...
But still she drove.
Bud reached for the telephone on the table beside the bed, trying to get it before it woke up Harriet. "‘lo?" he barely managed, his voice slurred with sleep.
"I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering is this a...Bud Roberts?"
"Um...yeah. That’s me. Who is this?" Bud urged, instantly on alert.
"My name is Owen. I’m a bartender down here at the Stagger Inn."
Still somewhat confused, Bud asked, "The where?"
"The Stagger Inn. I have someone here that could really use a ride home and they asked me to call you."
"Who?" Bud turned white as a sheet when he heard the name on the other end. "Give me the directions."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I could have done so many things, baby,
if I could only stop my mind,
from wondering what I left behind.
And for worrying about this wasted time.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sturgis rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he looked into the peephole to see who was pounding on his door this late at night. What he saw made him briefly close his eyes and mutter both a curse and a thank you.
Swinging the door open he saw her standing there in the hallway, shaking like a leaf, her eyes wild.
Sturgis knew, without her saying anything, this was about Harm. Harm had called earlier to tell him about what had happened; she knew about the other night and had reacted exactly as he knew she would.
"Come on in, Mac," he said, taking her hand and carefully gliding her through the door.
"I’m sorry, Sturgis...I didn’t know where else to go," she whispered through chattering teeth.
"Don’t worry about it," he soothed, moving her toward the sofa. "You’re shivering. You cold?"
Nodding yes Mac sat, immediately drawing her legs up to her chin, her arms wrapped tightly around her bent knees. When she felt the quilt go around her shoulders her eyes met his in silent thanks.
Even though he didn’t know much about Sarah Mackenzie, her erratic behavior struck a familiar chord. Her eyes kept darting around the room, her body jumping at the slightest sound or movement. Cautiously Sturgis sat beside her, certain he had a pretty good idea what was happening. He'd seen a lot of things in helping his dad. "How long has it been?" If he was right, Mac would know what he was asking.
She sat there so long that Sturgis didn’t think she was going to answer, but finally heard her small voice say, "S...six years."
"Mac, that’s incredible," he encouraged her.
Vigorously shaking her head no, she ground out, "I wanted one...tonight. I want one now, Sturgis. I need a drink really bad."
"I know you do. But you didn’t take it, Mac, and that takes guts. It means you’re stronger than it is. It means you win." He paused a moment before asking, "You want to talk about what happened?"
"N...no."
"Alright, Mac. It's gonna be alright." He placed his arm around her shoulders, rubbing her arms to make her feel safe, to keep her warm...and distracted which, he had a feeling, is what she really needed.
Bud Roberts’ knuckles were white by the time he reached the seedy little bar. Pulling the car to a stop he glanced up, looking at the rickety, wooden sign swinging ever so slightly in the breeze. The bold letters over a half empty beer mug told him this was the place.
With a deep breath and a somewhat nervous look around, Bud exited the car, walking as fast as he could to the door. Entering, Bud looked around, struggling to see through the smoky haze. He finally spotted Harm at the end of the bar, staring into the half empty glass in front of him.
Pushing his way through the still crowded room, Bud finally made it over to the man he considered not only a superior officer, but a friend. Although, this didn’t look like the man he knew. With his shoulders slumped, his head hung low, Harmon Rabb looked only like a shadow of his usually confident self.
Bud hesitated slightly before reaching out to tap Harm’s shoulder. "Sir?"
Harm looked up, meeting Bud’s eyes in the mirror behind the bar. Bud gasped, shocked by what he saw staring back at him. The haunted eyes that met his made the hair on the back of his neck stand at attention. This was a defeated man and even though he didn’t know what had happened to Harm to drive him to this point, Bud was determined to help him, no matter what.
Unable to stand the pity on Bud’s face Harm looked back down at his drink, mumbling over his shoulder, "Take a seat, Bud."
Again Bud was hesitant. "But, Sir...don’t you think we should just go. It looks like you’ve had enou..."
"This is only my second one."
At Bud’s incredulous expression, Harm went on. "I mean it. I’ve been sitting here for...god I don’t even know how long I’ve been here. But I haven’t been...this is only my second one," he repeated.
"Then, Sir...why did Owen say you really needed a ride home if you haven't been drinking…that much, I mean?"
Harm couldn’t help but be amused. "Because I really do need a ride home, Bud. I...I was just walking and happened to wander in here. The only thing is I have absolutely no fucking clue where here is."
To say that Bud was shocked was an understatement. He could count on one hand the number of times that Harmon Rabb had said anything worse than the occasional ‘damn’ or ‘hell’. Something was really wrong.
"Besides, Owen over there," he pointed down the bar, "came in for his shift after I had been here a while and wouldn’t believe me that this was only my second drink."
"Well, honestly, Sir, can you blame him? You look like shit," Bud blurted without thinking before his eyes grew big.
Instead of being offended, Harm actually laughed. "Well, that’s a relief. At least I look as bad as I feel."
"I didn’t mean to insult..." Bud rushed into an apology.
"It’s alright, Bud. I’m not upset with you. In fact it's nice to hear an honest..." Just then the chirp of his cell phone broke into their conversation. Glancing at the display he saw Sturgis’ number.
Quickly he opened the phone and answered, "Sturgis, have you heard anything?"
Harm listened as Sturgis sighed loudly. "Yeah. I talked to her."
"Well, is she okay? Did she..."
The voice on the other end cut him off before he could go any further. "Harm, I talked to her. She’s...she’s here actually."
"She’s there?" Harm was a little shocked by this news.
"She got here about an hour ago." There was a pause, before Sturgis continued. "She’s in pretty bad shape."
The tone of Sturgis' voice had warning bells going off inside his head. "Oh no. She didn’t..." Harm couldn’t get the rest of the words out.
"I assume you’re referring to her taking a drink."
Realizing Sturgis couldn’t see him shaking his head Harm verbalized his "yes".
"No, she didn't."
Relieved, Harm blew out the breath he had been holding. "Thank god." When Sturgis offered no more information, Harm pressed. "Is she going to be okay?"
Sturgis had to really work at keeping his anger under control. "I think so. She was a total wreck when she got here. She hadn’t had anything to drink, but she really wanted to."
Not needing to hear anything else, Harm told him, "I’ll be there as fast as I can."
"Wait, Harm. I don’t think that’s such a good idea. She’s finally asleep and I really don’t think you being here is..."
"Sturgis, please. You don’t understand. I need to see her. I need to make sure..." Harm pleaded.
"No, you need to give her some space. Look, Harm, I know how you feel right now. But you need to stay away. I only called you because I knew you were worried about her and because you’re my friend. But friend or not, we both know she deserved better than this."
It was as close to an 'I told you so' that Sturgis could get without actually saying the words, and Harm didn’t have a response to it. Another minute went by in silence before Sturgis promised him he'd take care of her and disconnected the call, all before Harm could offer up any more protest.
Shutting off the phone, Harm placed it back in his pocket before staring at the drink in front of him once again.
Through it all Bud had watched and listened, drawing his own conclusions. Despite what everyone might think, Bud Roberts wasn’t completely clueless. "You want to talk about what happened between you and the Colonel, Sir?"
The denial was on the tip of his tongue, but Bud’s knowing look told him not to bother. "Hell, I don’t know. I thought I did. That’s why I had him call you. But now…I’m not sure."
That was one thing that Bud didn’t understand. "Sir, I’m confused. Why did you call me. I would have thought you’d call Cmdr. Turner?"
Harm gave another short humorless laugh. "Because he’s pissed at me. Chewed my ass up one side and down the other earlier. With good reason too."
Wow. If Cmdr. Turner had lost his temper with him, Harm must have really screwed up. "Good grief, Sir. What in the world did you do?" Bud asked in the way only Bud could.
"More than I can ever make up for, Bud." Without finishing his drink Harm stood, throwing some money on the bar before moving toward the door. "Let's go."
"What’s the hurry, Sir?" Bud asked, trying his best to keep up.
"Because I have somewhere I really need to be."
Sturgis didn’t even have to look this time when the knock sounded on his door; he’d been expecting it. Hell telling Harmon Rabb NOT to do something was like waving the red flag.
"I thought I told you to stay away," he offered in way of greeting.
"I ignored you," Harm replied stubbornly.
"I see that," Sturgis stated blandly, crossing his arms over his chest.
The two men faced off, neither wanting to back down.
"Give me one reason why I should let your sorry ass in here."
Without hesitation Harm gave him an answer. "Because I love her." When it still seemed like Sturgis would still turn him away he urged, "I swear, all I want to sit with her awhile. Then I’ll go; I promise."
Pushing the door open further, Sturgis relented, stepping out of the way to let him in.
Hands in his front pockets, Harm followed his friend over to the couch where Mac lay peacefully sleeping. After everything that had happened Harm still couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her. She was so beautiful. He’d never told her that but it didn’t mean he didn’t think she was.
Wanting to give him a little privacy, Sturgis spoke softly, "I’m going to go ahead and try go back to sleep. Let yourself out when you’re done."
Harm barely acknowledged him, instead going to sit in the chair across from her.
Shaking his head at the craziness of it all, Sturgis turned toward the bedroom.
Keeping his promise Harm just watched her sleep, never touching her, even though the urge was sometimes overwhelming. His fingers itched to brush that strand of hair off of her forehead, but he didn’t. Instead he comforted himself with her steady breathing, the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He watched as every once in a while her lashes would flutter on her cheeks. He took in her slightly parted lips, the way her hand curled beneath her chin as she snuggled down further into the quilt. So peaceful...
Inevitably, the fatigue in his body would be denied no longer and sleep claimed him as well.
The next sensation Harm was aware of was that of being watched. Coming awake with a start, Harm opened his eyes and was immediately captured in a sea of rich, warm chocolate. "Good morning." Her voice was still husky from sleep.
Harm wasn’t sure he could believe what he was seeing, let alone hearing. She was sitting up, the quilt still around her shoulders and she wasn’t smiling but the anger from before wasn’t there either. Now, she just looked tired. "Morning," he replied, cautious, sitting up straighter in his chair.
She chewed on her lower lip before asking him, "Did you sit there all night, Harm?"
Bending forward, Harm rested his elbows on his knees. "Yeah. I was going to leave before you woke up but...I guess I fell asleep too. It's been a long couple of days."
He was definitely the king of the understatement. "Harm, what are you doing here? He told you not to come." There was no reproach in her voice, just a weariness she couldn’t hide.
She must have heard their conversation last night. "Don’t get mad at Sturgis, Mac. I all but forced him to open the door."
"I’m not mad at Sturgis. I’m not even sure I’m mad at you any more." The look of relief was evident on his face but when she saw him start to open his mouth she stopped him. "Don’t. I said I'm not sure. I didn’t say I was ready to talk about it either. Harm, my emotions are a mess, up and down and all over the damn place. I reacted to this whole situation so badly. I’m...I'm so ashamed of myself."
"Mac, you have nothing to feel..."
She cut him off. "Oh yes, I do, Harm. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of."
"So did I, Mac," he said softly.
Mac nodded in agreement, looking down at her folded hands. She knew he was sorry for hurting her, but right now it seemed like a moot point. "We both have a lot to work out, and I know there are things we’re both sorry for. But I meant what I said, Harm. I need some time. I know we’ve wasted a lot of it already, but there are...I have some things I need to think about, some tough choices I have to make. And I can't make them with you around me all the time. Maybe someday we’ll be able to talk about everything that's happened. Until then though, I think it’s best if we...I think we need to just leave all of this alone for the time being, call a truce and hope it works itself out. Then maybe someday, if we’re still willing, we’ll be able to work at being more. Does that make any sense?"
He didn’t like it, but if that was all she was willing to offer he’d accept it, for now. Taking her hand in his, Harm gave it a gentle squeeze before meeting her eyes, begging her to understand. "I...I’ll do anything you want me to. Whatever it is. I just...I still need you, Mac."
Mac understood completely. "I know. God help me I still need you too." But even with the admission, deep down in her heart, she knew that it would be a hard, if not impossible journey back to each other.