Why...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do you really know how I feel?
When you first knocked on my cabin door, before this whole ugly situation started, you have no idea how much I wanted you to help me pack...or get dressed as you elegantly put it.
I smile at the memory. I would have let you in.
In, my cabin, my life...I would say my heart.
But like the above two, you are already in my life and in my heart.
And, God, I need you now.
When we sat there, outside of sick bay, I cried and you comforted me.
Do you know how much I wanted more then just a hand on my shoulder?
I was so scared that we would lose Bud.
How fair is it that we go in country and encounter a land mine, and nothing happens to us?
At that time, I don’t think either one of us knew we would be okay in the end.
How could this happen to Bud?
God, what if it had been you?
I can’t think about this right now. But I don’t know what I can think about. There is so much going on in my head...
I need you so much right now, Harm. Where are you?
As I sit here alone, I can’t help wondering where you are, what you’re thinking.
It has been hours since we left those chairs outside of sick bay, where you cried, where I cried. Where we held on to each other for life, for love...
Love.
You’ve always found creative ways to distance yourself from me, to hide away from me; through humor, your intellect.
Just once I want to see the real you; I need to see the real you, Harm.
What is going to happen to us when we go home? There’s so much I want.
I want those times where you ripped my books in half so I could fit them in my bag. As much as I should have been upset, it was the true you.
I want those times where you feel the need to have contact with me and sit down and take my hand in yours.
The times when I just need you and you know it.
I want all of you, so much.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is the book I never read.
These are the words I never said.
This is the path I'll never tread.
These are the dreams I'll dream instead.
This is the joy that's seldom spread.
These are the tears...The tears we shed.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Well we arrived home today. You have no idea how glad I am to be home.
Well maybe you do.
I could see you visibly relax as we exited the jetway and made our way through the crowded terminal.
Just being here, at home made things just a little bit better. Although, now we are also back to the way things were before it all...
On the plane ride home you held my hand tightly under the blanket covering us. What I wouldn’t give to have you holding it now. But I know. Duty and protocol forbid it. We stand at attention in front of our C.O. and I chance a small, nervous glance at you but you just stand there, calm and cool, and I can’t help but admire you a little bit more.
Always in control.
And I’m scared, so damn scared. Not about my job, but about the possibility of being anywhere but where you are. I don’t want to ever be away from you again. I can feel the tremors coursing through my body and I can only hope that all of the fear I feel on the inside doesn’t show on the outside.
But you...Even in the middle of one of the biggest ass chewings of our careers, there you stand, stoic. You wouldn’t change anything would you? And in that moment I realize I don’t regret our decision either.
Our decision...
We’re standing together, just as we’ve always done...
The barely there brush of your hand against mine reassures me even more. We were right even if it was wrong.
After grilling us for at least a half an hour non-stop, A.J. stands up and comes around his desk to face us. Looking down he notices our hands that are still touching in silent support. His demeanor softens and he finally tells us how proud he is of our decision.
*~*~*~*
When he finally dismisses us, we make our way back to Harm’s office. Allowing me to enter first, he closes the door behind us, drawing the blinds as he does. I turn to face him as he approaches me, my heart beating wildly at the look I see in his eyes.
It’s one of those special times between us.
Without words his arms wrap around me, and all at once I’m surrounded by him. His warmth, his strength, his scent. All too soon he’s pulling away, but instead of releasing me, he leans in toward me...
I can feel his breath fan over my lips seconds before his lips capture mine.
This isn’t like any other kiss we’ve shared. No, this is different. How, I’m not really sure.
Before I know it my body is straining against his, and his against mine, and I know that if we don’t stop this now...
He must sense it too because he pulls away, still not releasing me but lightly resting his forehead against mine.
"Mac?" He softly questions.
I try but my voice won’t cooperate with me. Instead I meet his steady gaze and hope I’m conveying everything I wish I could say to him.
"Have dinner with me tonight?" He barely whispers.
Mutely, I nod yes as a small smile plays about my lips.
Nervously we chuckle at our earlier behavior and all that our promise of dinner could entail. I’m terrified of what all of this could mean, but as I look at him I realize he is too.
Oddly enough, I find some solace in that knowledge, why I don’t really know.
But then again, this is ‘us’ we’re talking about.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This is the fear. This is the dread.
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent.
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel...
The End.