"Do you expect the drum to tell you the secret of the chicken?"
-Mr. Horan
"OK, you're dreams of becoming a pole dancer are not going to be realized in Jackie's basement."
-Becky
"But gosh darnit im gonna be the best pole dancer the world has ever seen!!"
-Amb
"And then the doctor said...oops."
-Trevis
"I just need to find my baby's daddy."
-Amb
"Insane ppl of the world should unite and go to therapy."
-Me
"Don't be a paste eater."
-Amb
"Odd water was coming out everywhere...it was WOOSH!!"
-Amb
"Oh geeshy peeshy!!"
-Winky
"Girrrl...Back off"
-Jackie
"When I go off to college and move away, he's gonna realize that he never got to know me as a kid and teen...He's gonna be like...wow thats my daughter graduating from college...starting a career...getting married...i dont even know who she is though..."
-Me
"If he wants to be part of my life, I'd be more than happy to let him...but if he wont give a damn...then screw him."
-Me
"Your hoochie's ready."
-Winky
"I really pee."
-Becky
"I'm hungry...I need foot"
-Amb
"I'm coughing up teeth!!"
-Me
"They're flying in the front yard."
-Winky
"I do nothing to the boy!"
-Me
"It's an inside joke I'm outside of."
-Ari
"There's a big community butt."
-Winky
"We're gonna get dead."
-Me
"Bubba and Fushi...Just who is Fushi?"
-Mom
"He smells like peanuts."
-Me
"They're not ALL mentally unstable."
-Winky
"This is not my pants."
-Nate
"You kids are gettin' way too stilly."
-Amb
"Marote is to a word! You know, the marote control...oh wait. It's remote isn't it."
-Me
"You need new bacon...old bacon is gonna make you sick hun."
-Me
"Rifothaderrotam at my house!!"
-Jackie
"It's buggin!!"
-Jess
"Who in the what does she see?"
-Me
"The arm bone is connceted to the armpit bone."
-Jess
"We're going to do a facewalk and cake painting."
-Seelig
"Everyone loves rice crispie teets!"
-Seelig
"My hair is so bush."
-Me
"I can't help that your a doofus."
-Amb
"What's this finger on my hand?"
-Cherish
"Alice is blonde and yes, not very smart."
-Becky
"Oh my gosh Becky, our personal demon chick looks like Christi!"
-Me
"Cards? Cards? Cards anyone? Cards?"
-Jackie
"Are you smelling yourself?"
-Becky
"She's fully engulfed in making out with her book."
-Alicia
"I'm really sorry, but I will not feel your underwear."
-Me
"I don't need anyone to pay me to act like a fool, I'll do it for free!"
-Jessica
"I don't even feel like I'm in my brain."
-Becky
"My legs are NOT solid!"
-Becky
"No one on pms is gonna freak an idiot either."
-Me
"Just be like hello walmart id like to purchase a brandon moten if u have one in stock and then and theyd be like sure let me check the storage..ah yes, brandon moten, here we go, yes miss would u like that in plastic or paper."
-Me
"That's the time when you hop up and down real excitedly."
-Amb
"I think I'm in the right lane!"
-Sara
"I can't bear another second one."
-Callie
"Old woman clevage!!"
-Callie
"I wanna see clevage."
-Katie
"Clevage? Where?"
-Sara
"Fuzzy Monkey is eating peanuts!"
-Me
"She's and intimidating person, even without the boobs."
-Sara
"Virgin ears! Virgin ears!"
-Sara
"I'm not that philanthropic...whoa big word there!"
-Katie
"I hate when boys need bras."
-Becky
"Horan, where are your nuts?"
-Johnny
"They're somewhere up there."
-Horan
"I feel like I'm falling in a toilet."
-Becky
"It's a bloody chopstick!" (British accent!!)
-Becky
"I can freak a llama! What?"
-Becky
"Did you know yesterday was Canada in Thanksgiving?"
-Jackie
"My nose is sneezing."
-Amb
"Burn it in your pocket and use it for outerwear."
-Becky
"I had too much in my mouth, it's not suppose to go in that far!"
-Me
"I've got bread coming out my ears!"
-Amb
"Yo man is yelling at you about yo beans!"
-Me
"You know how fasniated I am by underwear?"
-Becky
"My mom is tupperman."
-Sara
"Leave me alone, I'm on very powerful medication."
-Me
"He's laughing and they're taking his stuff."
-Jackie
"Well im not pushing anything up there who knows what could happen!"
-Me
"Grab a guy, make out...BOOM you have a cold."
-Me
"You can't expect to stuff things down my shirt and not get them back."
-Amb
"What goats were spilling the bowl of rice?"
-Becky
"I'm wearing the confusion hat right now."
-Amb
"Your mom isn't going to sue me is she, because I have like no money."
-Jess
"Right now I'm too frustrated to see any goats."
-Me
"I wouldn't be a happy friend, but I'd still be your friend...after I got done beating you."
-Me
"You said I'm missing your and my life...Well I think im fine with missing my life...It's too evil for me to be a part of."
-Me
"Hot...you hear me, I'm freakin hot...I think I'm just going to melt into white goo right here and now."
-Me
"Do you have love handles? I have love handles! Where are yourrr love handles? SHAVE?!?!"
-Becky
"He's sweating Africa on his shirt, actually it could be Mongolia."
-Christi
"We want to win, but you don't have to be Cleo to know that we won't."
-Sara
"My dad is laughing at me because I'm roasting marshmallows."
-Sara
"What are you roasting them on??"
-Me
"I'm putting them on a steak knife, and using a lighter."
-Sara
"Hush now, let me be a dork so atleast I can amuse myself with my own idiocies."
-Me
"You're molesting me with your eyes, aren't you."
-Rachel
"Hello, my name is Madison and don't touch me."
-Maddy
"He's like a baby that's not unborn."
-Cherish
"If I'm ever in a skirt, you're about to die."
-Sara
"Yes...I am a girl...today."
-Sara
"I don't think I was writing poetry in my spare time if i had 67 kids."
-Selina
"You're stupid, that's why I love you."
-Amb
"Can I write my name on your forehead?"
-Alicia
"Can I carve my name into your face?"
-Jamon
"Of course!"
-Becky
"You're sucking the intelligence out of my body you vampire."
-Jamon
"Too bad old Dailey fell off the mountain, he wasn't dressed appropriately."
-Mr. Munn
"You're dying, well your dead, ok now pass out please."
-Me
"You don't know how strong I are and how stupid I is."
-Sara
"I love your dad!"
-Dilkushi
"So do I!"
-Sara
"Oh my God physical contact, what is he thinking!"
-Me
"Alright now, we can't have no folder."
-Amb
"It's alright my little hamchop."
-Amb
"I was bouncin' off the walls of my car this morning, oh wow, car's don't have walls now do they."
-Amb
"Do you do what the voices in your head tell you to?"
-Amb
"Ummm...Well not all the time.
-Me
"Hi psycho nana!"
-Amb
"That would be funny...except it came out of your mouth."
-Jamon
"Surfing monkeys are about the coolest thing in the world. I'm tellin' yah..."
-Me
"I'm sure there's free food in the trash can."
-Me
"Well, then where's the trash can at?"
-Missy
"I was kidding...I don't think there's anything edible there."
-Me
"Oh ok...there's no trash can in here anyways, I already looked."
-Missy
"Melissa, people don't stick roast chicken in trash cans, what are you thinking?"
-Me
"Maybe it's a barking lion."
-Me
"No, it's a rooster."
-Missy
"Ummm...roosters don't bark."
-Me
"Neither do lions!"
-Missy
"Well they seem closer than chickens."
-Me
"Oh yeah...Melissa can talk like Shakespeare."
-Me
"You're like on of those bobbing head critters people put on their dashboards...duh...duh..."
-Mom
"I'm not a bobby head!"
-Missy
"What damage could someone do if they're charging into battle with a muskrat?"
-Me
"My job is not to hunt for the answers, it's to grade your papers."
-Mrs. Drinkut
"That's one trashy oppossum!"
-Me
"She looks like a kid trying to be a whore." (on Britney Spears)
-Mom
"I hope we can find the place."
-Rachel
"What do you mean, you hope?"
-Cherish
"I am NOT a hoe!!"
-Me
"WHAT?!?!" (in unison)
-Rachel & Cherish
"I don't have any nuts, just a lot of white stuff."
-Cherish
"That's just nasty, Ways should not be reproducing!"
-Callie
"You are an absolute idiot, that would be idiot in absolute value marks."
-Amb
"I can see Stacci jumping off a 80 story building for a Jalen Rose sock."
-Me
"Stacci, that guy is pregnant."
-Me
"Wow there are pigs in that truck...4 rows of them too."
-Me
"Yeah I can really smell them now, whew!"
-Mom
"License plate says Ontario. Those are Canadian pigs."
-Me
"I wonder if they speak French."
-Mom
"Yeah I bet they oink in French like, le oinke"
-Me
"Haha..le oinke! le oinke!"
-Mom
"Where are these people from anyway? Where's Carrol?"
-Me
"They're from Fort Wayne."
-Jackie
"So Carrol is like their school name then right?"
-Me
"No, that's the name of all their girlfriends."
-Jackie
"No she's not gay, she just has a girlfriend for the thrill of it."
-Me
"I had a chicken today."
-Bartley
"Is there a kitty in the phone Emmy girl?"
-Jess
"Argh...Pirates don't cry, pirates are tough!"
-Amb
"That makes absolutly quarter to nothing sense."
-Amb
"No get back in my eye! Back in my eye now!"
-Amb
"A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three cornish hens, and four PARROTS?!?!"
-Amb
"I stand for monkeys' rights!"
-Becky
"Laura has money flying at her. Now you know what it's like to be a pole dancer."
-Amb
"OWWW WOW! That's definatly changed temperature."
-Mr. Tippey
"Monkeys...you shouldn't shoot them, but you should suck them."
-Becky
"I thought you said your cat ate my boobs! I was gonna say...No, I haven't been around your cat at all."
-Becky
"You, you, you stupid mormon!"
-Me
"Mormon?"
-Jess
"Sure why not! Moron, mormon, what's the difference?"
-Me
"Smell this, Amanda! My reed is molding and it's now drunk. Of all things!"
-Me
"The chicken is gone! The chicken is gone!"
-Missy
"What chicken?" (in unison)
-Mom and I
"The chicken in the back seat!"
-Missy
"Oh no, there's a chicken loose in the back seat of the car, what do we do? We have to find the chicken or the world will end."
-Mom
"It was fish not chicken."
-Me
"Well its gone too!"
-Missy
"You're an illegal!"
-Missy
"I don't think it's illegal to drive after you eat beer battered fish."
-Mom
"But you ate a drunk fish!"
-Missy
"Melissa, you are the drunk fish."
-Me
"My dog was humping baby Jesus."
-Jess
"Laura the elf has a pocket in her pocket. Laura the elf doesn't want to make toys!"
-Becky
"I told you it was a Spanish Burger King!! Look at all the Mexicans!!"
-Mom
"Do you know how to say chicken nuggets in Spanish??"
-Mom
"You can't just go get water out of the ocean and drink it. I mean there's salt in it...and fish...and dead pelicans!"
-Mom
"Dead pelicans?? Wouldn't most of them die on the land?"
-Me
"Well not if they are flying over the ocean and they have a heart attack!"
-Mom
"And that happens so often..."
-Me
"You were talkin to that China man one time weren't you!"
-Missy
"You mean Chinese guy?"
-Me
"Uhhh...yeah that's it."
-Missy
"Now listen children, all you have to do is clap your hands three times and the fairy will come back to life..."
-Sara Tippey
"I'm sorry Becky has more idiotic moments than you do!"
-Me
"Here comes Laura to ask another suggestion."
-Missy
"Suggestion? Why would I ask a suggestion...Yeah, mom I need an idea on what I could ask you about anything. What do you think?"
-Me
"I'm sorry but I can't sense what you are feeling about something since I'm not in your head controling your sensors."
-Me
"...and the egg jumped off the 2 meter plateau to its death...scrambled eggs anyone?"
-Amb
"Use your no power in bad situations. If your friend wants you to go scare the old dog, then you should use your no power."
-Jess
"There are many ways to use your no power when offered drugs or other bad things. Try saying "no way!" or "no thanks, they make me itch.""
-Jess
"Excuse me while I jump out of the second story window of my car."
-Jarred
"You'ra a girl and he posseses more feminine qualities than you do."
-Me
"He treats you like poo and he'll treat you like poo still...if he's your butthead or not."
-Me
"The roasted chicken boob is to die for."
-Amb
"Gee, I'd like to care, but I don't posses that gene."
-(i can't remember!)
"If I had a dime for everytime I've heard that, i'd have 5cents."
-(don't know this one either. @_@)
"Baby bunnies in the road!"
-Me
"Stuffed dogs don't run."
-Me
"Don't bite the pole."
-Me
"What kind of game are we going to play when we go bowling?"
-Missy
"She's not annoying perky...like I want to hit her perky, she's nice perky."
-Katie
"You've got OCD! OCD!"
-Katie
"Oh yeah! Well you've got 5 fingers on each hand!"
-Me
"Someday someone is going to slap you and say, "You're stupid."
-Sara
"I broke his leg off. I couldn't get him to spread them."
-Alicia
"Help! Help! I'm being raped!"
-Seelig
"I hate the smell of purple. I don't like the red stuff either. Coughsyrup..."
-Katie
"Rulers are edible, just not very healthy."
-Sara
"The world might be a lot smarter without Katie, but would it be any fun?"
-Me
"The smell of it kills blood cells."
-Katie
"Chupas todos Los Patos." (Your suck all the ducks.)
-Josh & Geoff
"Barney smells good."
-Josh
"You've got a ball on the top of your cheeks."
-Josh
"She (Katie) looks like a big green M & M."
-Josh
"Eat me, Jessica...um I mean..."
-Jackie
"...and the fast sixest people..."
-Sara
"Fartlek...A teeny tiny bird fart that has the aroma of stanky old cabbage."
-Me
"Fartlek...It is an ant who was banished from the ant hill because he was farting too much. It was causing the grasshoppers to become upset."
-Amber Rees
"Melvin Kiminski is...A Russian scientist who gained world fame for making rubber boots that quack when the right foot touches water."
-Me
"...but officer, my parents told me I couldn't get pulled over unless I was drunk!"
-Jackie
"Oot and aboot!"
-McCune
"Who cares! You are nothing! You are a tiny little speck! I squish you!"
-Lakes
"Sometimes I wish I could lose my mind so I'd have an excuse."
-Becky
"Mother...I am the GREEN fairy!"
-Me
"Its pretty dizzy...If a drunk watched it they would be SOOO confused...then again anyone sober who watches it would be the same."
-Me
"I thought I saw Alex."
-Courtney
"Where? You are in your house, how can you see him?"
-Me
"It was weird."
-Courtney
"Did Laura suddenly develop manly features?" (this is a laura in ohio, not me)
-Me
"It was a vision..."
-Courtney
"I need to hop out of my body and lecture myself."
-Me
"one can be like "WONK WONK WONK..." and the other is all sad and pathetic and like "wonk....wonk....wonk?" and then the other is all "WONK WONK WONK WONK!!!" and the other is all "wonkity wonk....wonk..." "
-Me
"Why would my computer beep at me?"
-Me
"I found a tube like object!"
-Katie
"Really...that's great Katie..."
-Me
"Wow! There's a lot of cool stuff back here! Oooooh! A Christmas card!"
-Kaite
"Sleeping party promotes female happiness! Oh, they're playing bingo! Oh, wait...that's not bingo...its, um twister!"
-Katie
"You're going to have to stop talking if you want me to write down everything that you say."
-Me
"Oh wow! This thing comes off...oh wait, it's not suppose to do that..."
-Katie
"Its hot in here...window!"
-Katie
"And a club is a clover thing?"
-Katie
"I'm going to hit that man."
-Katie
"Well you're looking at Mr. Pibb's hand."
-Sara
"Mr. Pibb has no hands, I have to."
-Me
"It's so sad..."
-Katie
"I've been wiping my mouth with my table."
-Sara
"I had a nervous breakdown once, my mom bought me a beanie baby."
-Amber
"I'm taking accelerated pre-algebra next year."
-Sara
"I've seen that, but I always look away."
-Amber
"That wouldn't be a big lie since...I am purple."
-Becky
"Leath's balls make me cry."
-Becky
"Casey can be female or male. I'm female."
-Casey Martin
"You know that relation we have with Connecticut energy?"
-Mr. Sharp
"It was quality time with my idiots."
-Becky
"I'm a relatively happy person, but lately I've come to find I'm really stupid."
-Jess
"Why did you come to Canada?!?! For the DONUTS!"
-Mr. Munn
"I've come to the conclusion that she must not have any mirrors in her house because no one would purposely leave their home looking like that."
-Rach Jett
"I went to the Dave Tippey school of humor."
-Mr. Munn
"So is that why you're failing?"
-Sara
"When there are four dozen eager cows running after you, you shouldn�t stand to embrace them."
-Me
"If someone could record the conversations I have with myself in my head I'd be in a mental institution."
-Me
"Just had all these visions of turnips being thrown at my head and then I started talking to myslef about flying projectiles and then flying in gym class and hitting people with walnuts came to mind...hmmm yeah anyway walnut story...continue."
-Me
"Who were the people they were talking about?"
-Mr. Munn
"The peasants?"
-Meghan
"Peasants? We're...peasants?"
-Mr. Munn
"Britnni...I thought she said pheasants...oh my..."
-Me
"Peasants are like...hmmm...we're not talking about pheasants. Coo Coo..."
-Mr. Munn
"You dork! There is no February 28th!"
-Jess
"I'm an optimistic pessimist."
-Me
"I feel like a horseman and I am burping up yeast."
-Amb
"I did not know what to do with myself...like flames flying from the candle, flaming cutting board, omg it was an oddity."
-Amb
"It makes me feel stupid 'cause I think I know the answers."
-Amb
"Can I hug you? Can I touch your hat? Can I hold your hand? Can I kiss your cheek? Can I have your number? Can I get your wife some divorce papers?"
-Me
"Stop sniggering."
-Grandma
"Don't you flib to me now, Courtney."
-Grandma
"Oh! Oh! Don't keel it!"
-Grandma
"Who went in the bathroom?"
-Terry
"I don't know, it's something she's celebrating."
-Grandma
"I need one chocolate chip McFlurby."
-Grandma
"Courtney, I need to go to the bathroom, my diahrrea's kickin' in."
-Grandma
"I just want to take his smile and eat it."
-Court
"Thursday night grandma was trying to get me to sleep with her."
-Court
"I don't have my period anymore, why do you have yours?"
-Grandma
"We prostitute shoplifters."
-Me
"We need a cup of sugar please, we're making a cake in the girls' dressing room."
-Me
"Geoff, would you do me a favor? If I give you something, will you put it down your pants?"
-Becky
"Jackie, don't put that there!"
-Amb
"Just because I don't have any doesn't mean I'm not a girl."
-Me
"Oh, look what I can do with my bra!"
-Alicia
"You guys would suck a male rooster?"
-Becky
"Chasing anything while screaming, "I want to suck you" is not a good thing."
-Alicia
"Hello, my first born child, you're new baby brother was born 2 months ago, thought you'd like to know."
-Me
"Sometimes I wonder if you were dropped on your head at birth, and other times I know you were."
-Amb
"I think he's in it for the boobs."
-Becky
"And who are you gay with?"
-Alicia
"I can't wait until May gets here."
-Becky
"Who's May?"
-Me
"Her boobs just had this light around them and I'm like my face is going to get stuck in them."
-Aeron
"Todd, if you don't shut up I'm going to throw this eraser at you."
-Sylte
"Have you ever been running and your top half goes further than yhe bottom? It's not a good situation."
-Rach
"Sometimes you want to bite my ear."
-Amb
"I'm gonna go home, put sunscreen on, and tan my hair."
-Amb
"What in the holy who-ha is wrong with you?"
-Amb
"You've got a nice butt. You get eight dollars."
-Katie
"You know how Leath has a scale for girls and he gives away peppermints?"
-Katie
"Yeah..."
-Me
"We should make one for guys."
-Katie
"What would we give away?...NUTS!"
-Me
"Hellooooo Abraham Lincoln. It's a 5...it smells like money...it does..."
-Katie
"Guy in the yellow shirt! Hey! Who is that guy? He's got his hand half way up her shirt! You think that's appropriate? Who's the guy in the yellow shirt? Come back yellow shirt guy."
-Sylte
"Hey Mrs. Seelig, Josh can give you a piggy-back ride."
-Sara
"No thanks, I'm not that hard up."
-Seelig
"Can you not take me seriously with a rubber lobster on my head?"
-Me
"...and Jay, well he just jumped off the boat. So he's just gone."
-Seline
"People get old. Things happen. What can I say."
-Selina
"I had to rub a cat's boobs yesterday."
-Jess
"It's either one of my mom's friends or my sister's mother's friends."
-Me
"My people can crap. Spiderman...Spiderman..."
-Rach
"I think my mom screwed up my email because I can only email myself now."
-Amb
"It's not a snort because it doesn't come through my nose."
-Amb
"You guys have to check out these HOTT guys when I pull up beside them."
-Jess
"OK..." (in unison)
-Amb and Me
"See look at them!"
-Jess
"Ummm...hun, one is a girl."
-Me
"And uh, the other is not hott at all."
-Amb
"Between the suck tongue guy and that gender disoriented man..."
-Sara
"Sarah really is quite a squishy little kid."
-Sara
"You know, sometimes people are trying to tell you something with what they give you."
-Me
"My sister gave me a trash can, am I trashy? Katie, do you think my breath smells because of what you got me?"
-Sara
"How can I compare you to what I got you? Do I hang you up?"
-Me
"She could be mounted."
-Katie
"When we come back there are no more boobs."
-Me
"We are the yo-yos!!"
-Katie & Sara
"I need a raindbow yo-yo with rainbow colors on it."
-Katie
"There's air in my nose! I can't breathe!"
-Me
"That would be asking for trouble if i got satan in the uterus again."
-Amb
"I'm an organized drug addict now. How lovely."
-Me
"Well I'm going to scratch where not much air goes now."
-Meliss
"OK! KNOCK KNOCK!...HEY! KNOCK KNOCK!"
-Meliss
"There is no one home hun."
-Me
"OK, but I'm still going to knock."
-Meliss
"Who is Cleopatra? Is he a poet?"
-Meliss
"What are THEY?"
-Meliss
"What are what?"
-Me
"The things..."
-Meliss
"What things?"
-Me
"The honamoks."
-Meliss
"What are you talking about?"
-Me
"The honamoks!"
-Meliss
"Honamoks would be what?"
-Me
"At hanaka!"
-Meliss
"Menorahs?"
-Me
"YES!"
-Meliss
"There's a mint man in your ear?!?!"
-Mom
"Yeah mom, theres a little mint man running around inside my ear. Would you like to see him?"
-Meliss
"I know I'm attracted to a guy that has pretend sex with multiple strangers over the internet. Who isn't? FREAK..."
-Me
"I turn you on, your bladder that is."
-Me
"Do I need to get a bucket of water to dampen the idocies?"
-Me