| Lennie answered the door that Saturday morning expecting Mrs. Simpson, the nice old lady who lived next door. He didn�t expect to find a ghost from his past. But there it was. Mike Logan. They stared at each other for a moment that felt like an eternity, then Mike pushed his way in, backing Lennie into the wall, pinning him, his mouth devouring the older man�s. Mike�s tongue was halfway down his throat, his lips crushing Lennie�s with a hunger long denied. Almost instinctively, Lennie�s arms came up, wrapping around the strong young body as it crushed against him. Finally, Mike let go and pulled away, his eyes drinking in the sight of his former lover. �Oh, god, Lennie, I just heard. Thank god you�re alive!� Lennie�s head was spinning. What the hell was happening here? He hadn�t seen or heard from Logan in two years. Just about any other time in those two years if this had happened it would have made him the happiest man alive. But not now � His eyes focused across the room, looking past Mike. Jack stood in the hallway, watching with a horrified expression. Mike realized Lennie wasn�t looking at him and turned, shocked to see the EADA standing there in his skivvies, apparently as fresh out of bed as Lennie. // What the hell is HE doing here? No, it couldn�t be? McCoy? With Lennie? Christ, Logan! You�ve really put your foot in it again, haven�t you! // �Ah shit.� He spun around, again facing Lennie, uncertain what to do. He saw the pain and confusion in Briscoe�s eyes and it was like a stab through his heart. �Sorry, Lennie �� He reached out and gently caressed the beloved face, then turned and flew out the door. Lennie leaned heavily against the wall, his whole body trembling. Jack broke through the shock first, rapidly crossing the room to take Lennie into his arms. �Shh, it�s all right, Lennie. It�s all right.� They stumbled together to the couch, Jack taking the corner, holding Lennie close as his hands gently stroked his lover�s back. Lennie closed his eyes tightly, burying his head in Jack�s shoulder. Too many emotions, too powerful, it overwhelmed him. Shock, at seeing Mike again. Confusion. Why now? Where had Mike been that he was just now getting the message about Lennie being shot? He had been so hurt before that Mike hadn�t even called. Had he misjudged the man? Did he really not know until now? Old feelings were starting to stir again, both love and lust. The press of that hard, strong body against his own had definitely stirred his memories. Fear started to creep in, at what this might mean to him and Jack. Why now? Lennie gasped, a deep, ragged breath, choking back a sob. Jack still held him, gently kissing his head, hands soothing his back. �Take it easy, Lennie. It�s ok. I�m here with you. I�m not going anywhere. Shhhh.� The soft, comforting sounds belied the turmoil inside his heart. He knew what Mike had meant to Lennie, how much their breakup had hurt him. He was furious at the younger cop for daring to turn up out of nowhere, now of all times. Just as Lennie was finally moving on, letting himself love again. Just as they had found each other. Just last night they had made love for the first time. It wasn�t fair. He vowed he wouldn�t let Logan come between them, but he had a very bad feeling that it wasn�t going to be his choice. Anger coursed through him; he wanted to tear Logan apart, limb from limb. // yeah, right, McCoy. He�s got at least 30 pounds of muscle and 15 years on you � // But he couldn�t let Lennie see that right now. Finally, Lennie�s breathing calmed, and he looked up at Jack. A gentle kiss found his lips and he sighed, turning in Jack�s arms to lean back against him. His lover�s long arms pulled him close. �You ok, Lennie?� He took a deep breath and nodded. �Jack, I�m sorry. I wish you hadn�t seen that �� A gentle kiss to his temple. �I wish it hadn�t happened. But it did, and we�ll deal with it.� �I just wish I knew WHY! Why did he turn up now? And then run out again �� Jack sighed. He had a feeling that last part hurt worst of all. And it was his fault. If he hadn�t followed his curiosity down the hall, maybe they would have had a chance to talk, tie up some of the loose ends. �I�m sorry, Lennie. I should have stayed in the bedroom.� �Huh? No, Jack, it�s not your fault!� Jack just shrugged. Lennie sat up and looked at him. �Jack?� McCoy forced a smile to his lips. �Don�t worry about me, Lennie.� Lennie gave him a look that said �fat chance.� Jack took his hands. �I�m ok. Really. And I�m not going to go and do something stupid, either. I promise.� Lennie looked into his eyes and decided to trust him on that for the moment. He sighed. �I could really use some coffee. You?� Jack laughed softly. �Yeah. Come on.� They wandered into the kitchen and Lennie threw a couple of mugs into the microwave with those coffee bags he liked. Jack could see there was still a lot of tension in his lover�s body. He came up behind Lennie and began gently scratching his back through the thin robe. Lennie sighed at the touch. �Oh, that feels nice.� Jack kissed his cheek. The microwave dinged and they took the mugs to the kitchen table. Lennie dug out some breakfast pastries he�d picked up on his grocery run this week, and they had a quiet breakfast. Neither one felt much like talking, but Jack�s leg pressed reassuringly against Lennie�s under the table. As they finished, he caught Lennie�s hand, bringing it to his lips. �Lennie? Let�s put this behind us, ok? Come back to bed. Let me make you forget what happened this morning.� Lennie took a deep breath and looked into Jack�s eyes. He could see the fire burning there, knew Jack was angry with Mike, and rightfully so. He doubted he�d be able to forget the feel of Mike�s lips crushing his, the powerful body pressing him into the wall. But just maybe Jack�s gentle loving could give him the strength to resist � He nodded and let Jack lead him back to the bedroom. Jack untied the bathrobe and slipped his arms inside, circling Lennie�s waist as he leaned in for a kiss. Lennie�s arms came up, around his back, just as he had held Mike a little while ago. He tried to push the thought out of his mind, focusing instead on the feel of Jack�s slender body in his arms. He pulled him close, inhaling deeply, wanting to get Mike�s scent out of his system. Jack�s hands slipped inside his shorts, gently kneading his ass, pulling them closer. A long finger slid between his cheeks, coming to rest on his hole, rubbing and pushing gently, slipping just the tip inside. Lennie moaned, grinding his now stiff cock into Jack�s. The hands slipped out of his shorts and came up to gently push the robe back off Lennie�s shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. He pulled his lover over to the bed, laying them down together, climbing on top and claiming his mouth in a heated kiss. Up till now, Jack�s lovemaking had always been tender, gentle. Afraid of hurting his already injured partner. But now something changed. Maybe it was the anger at Mike simmering just below the surface. Maybe it was the fear that Mike�s strength and power could reclaim Lennie before he�d really had the chance to make him his. Jack would never know exactly what caused it, but the heat in that kiss was an order of magnitude greater than anything they had shared before. By the time he sat up, their lips were swollen and tender from the power of that kiss. His eyes were almost feral as they looked down into Lennie�s. �I want you, Lennie. I need you.� Lennie looked up at him, confused. That kiss had reminded him so much of Mike. He wasn�t quite sure what was happening. But he was sure of one thing � he needed release. �Take me, Jack. Do it. Now!� Jack crawled off, reaching to the nightstand to find the lube. He greased up a finger and quickly slipped it all the way in, finding Lennie much more relaxed and ready than last night. He only took a few minutes to stretch him out before removing his fingers and reaching for a hand wipe. More lube, this time covering his throbbing erection. He pressed against Lennie, watched for the nod and pressed in. It hurt a bit more than last night; their long foreplay had made a big difference. Jack waited until he saw Lennie�s face relax as the pain diminished then began thrusting. Again his passion erupted as he slammed into Lennie, hard and fast. Lennie felt himself responding, pushing back, riding the frenzy until they exploded together far too soon. Panting from both their orgasms and the sheer physical exertion, they laid side by side. Jack slowly came back to himself and realized what he had done. He rolled over onto his side, almost afraid to look at his lover. �Lennie? I didn�t hurt you, did I?� Lennie could see the pain and confusion in Jack�s face. He reached out to gently caress a cheek rough with stubble. �It�s ok, Jack. I�m all right.� Jack collapsed into Lennie�s arms, laying his head on the soft shoulder. �I�m sorry. I don�t know what got into me �� Lennie gently kissed his temple. �Shh. It�s all right. No harm done.� They laid there quietly for a little while. Then very softly, he heard Jack�s voice. �I�m so afraid I�m going to lose you, Lennie.� That soft, plaintive voice stabbed at his heart every bit as much as Mike�s had earlier. He felt the sting of tears, fought them back. �Shh. Don�t even think that.� Jack heard the catch in his voice, sat up to look at him, then leaned down to kiss away the single tear that had snuck out. Lennie pulled him back down and they held on tight. Finally, Jack spoke again. �You�re going to talk to him, aren�t you?� �I have to, Jack. I need to know what happened. So many loose ends �� Jack sighed. �I know. I want you to have closure, Lennie. I want you to be able to put it all into your past, maybe even be able to look back on the good times with some happiness instead of just hurt. I�m just afraid he won�t let you.� �I know, Jack. But it�s something I have to do.� Jack nodded. �What about Cragen? Mike�s probably talking to him right now. Maybe he can give you enough?� Lennie thought about it. �Maybe. Yeah. I�ll talk to Don first. Besides, if he knew where Mike was while I was in the hospital, we need to have a few words anyhow. He told me he tried to let Mike know, didn�t think he�d be coming.� Jack�s fingers traced a random pattern through the hair on Lennie�s chest. �Do you want me to leave?� Lennie looked at him, surprised. �No, of course not. Why would you think that?� �So you could work this out.� Lennie hugged him. �You said yourself, Mike is probably talking to Don right now. If Mike really has been gone, let Don catch him up to speed. Tomorrow is soon enough. Today I just want you.� He proved it by rolling them over so he was on top, leaning down for a tender kiss � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mike sat in his car, still parked in the alley behind Lennie�s apartment. Now that he knew what to look for, he noticed the motorcycle also parked there and cursed himself again. It had been two years since he had seen his old partner. What on earth had made him think he could just barge in and pick up where they left off? He should have called Donnie first, found out what was going on. He had gotten in late last night, fallen into bed. This morning he�d gone through a month�s worth of messages on his machine, his heart nearly stopping when he got to Cragen�s impassioned plea to come visit Lennie in the hospital. The date stamp on the message had been several weeks ago, not long after he had left. He�d reacted without thinking, doing the only thing he could � getting into his car and driving straight to Lennie�s apartment. Needing to see the man still alive, breathing. He had just finally figured out what he really wanted, he couldn�t bear to lose Lennie now. It had never even occurred to him that there might be somebody else in his life now. McCoy? Of all the people, this Mike never would have guessed. He remembered the EADA as a tough taskmaster, ruthless, cold. Oh, the man was good looking enough, he had to admit that. But he just couldn�t see Lennie, HIS Lennie, in the arms of somebody so � hard. // Claire had found his soft side, though � // Mike sighed and reached for his cell phone, doing what he should have done in the first place � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don Cragen walked into the pub. It was early Saturday afternoon, the place was not crowded. He spotted a lone figure sitting in a booth in a dark, back corner of the place. He walked back, confirming the occupant was who he expected, and slid into the opposite seat. Logan sat there staring into a tall glass of Guiness. He looked like shit. // I thought he went away to find peace � obviously it didn�t work. // �Mike.� A small smile played across the full lips. �Donnie. Thanks for coming.� Cragen eyed him critically. �When did you get back?� �Early this morning. Grabbed a few hours sleep, then listened to my messages.� He looked significantly at Cragen. �Mike � you didn�t do something stupid �?� Logan nodded. �Realized he had to be out of the hospital by now so I went over there. I couldn�t help myself, Donnie. The minute I saw him, I couldn�t stop. I didn�t let him say a word, just kissed him. Hard.� Cragen groaned. �Mike, you should have called me first. Things have changed while you were gone �� Logan took a long pull at his beer. �I know. Now. Lennie was looking over my shoulder; I turned around and saw McCoy standing there, staring at me as if I was the boogeyman. I realized I�d put my foot in it and got out, fast.� Cragen winced. �No, no, Mikey. Don�t you know what that did to him?� Logan nodded. �I know. But I just couldn�t face it. Not now. Not when I�d finally decided to rectify the biggest mistake of my life.� Cragen sighed. �I�m sorry, Mike. I wanted to tell you, but I had no way to reach you. I know you wanted some time away to think.� �Yeah. Guess I just thought too slow. So what happened?� Cragen filled him in on the assassination attempt, how Lennie had taken the bullet, what Jack had overheard him say in the hospital. How despite his reputation as a ladies� man, McCoy had fallen deeply in love with the man who had saved his life. How happy the two had been through Lennie�s recovery. Logan sat there, shaking his head. It was surreal. It sounded like some sappy fairy tale, too good to be true. �Lennie actually WANTED this? The man�s a cold fish, Donnie.� Cragen chuckled. �That�s not what Lennie sees.� Logan sighed and flagged the waitress for another beer. Cragen studied him. �So what about you, Mike? Aside from this, did your little �walkabout� help?� Logan shrugged. �I thought it did, until this morning. I�d made some tough decisions, Donnie �� �Such as?� �I think I finally know where the anger comes from. It�s from always hiding. For a long time I hid from myself. Then once Lennie helped me face my fears, I had to hide from the rest of the world. I�m tired of hiding, Donnie. Tired of pretending to be something I�m not. The department shrinks are right, Don. I can�t be a cop anymore. I decided to take their offer to leave the NYPD. I want to leave this damned city, start over clean somewhere. I�m not sure what I�ll do, but I�ll find something. But now I�m not sure �� Cragen sighed. Mikey was a good cop when he could keep his temper in check. When. It was that constant undercurrent of anger that kept getting him into trouble. After this latest incident, the department shrinks had given him an ultimatum. A month�s unpaid leave to get his act together and either come back ready to do the job, or take a disability �early retirement.� Cragen wasn�t sure which way he wanted it to go. So Mike had left town, headed up to a small cabin up in the mountains to spend the month thinking. �Because � ?� �Because I had also decided that I was gonna beg Lennie to come with me. I screwed up the best thing I ever had, and I realize that now. I wanted to make it right, take him away from this sinkhole of a city, go someplace where we could be together, be open, not hide anymore �� Logan buried his face in his hands. Cragen reached out and laid his hand on one forearm, feeling the tightly stressed muscles underneath. �Oh, Mikey.� Logan looked up. �Screwed that pooch good, didn�t I?� Cragen sighed. �Bad timing. Really bad.� �So what do I do, Donnie?� Cragen studied him. �I don�t know, Mikey. I do know one thing. No matter what happens, you and Lennie need to talk. If for nothing else then to tie up the loose ends. You hurt him bad when you just walked out, Mike. He still doesn�t understand why. And he deserves to know.� Mike nodded. �Yeah. But after today, he�s got every right to tell me to piss off.� �Let me talk to him first, ok? I�ll try to get him to see reason.� �Thanks, Donnie.� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They had had a fairly quiet day after the shocks of the morning. They�d gone out for a walk, just to get out of the apartment for a bit. Lennie found himself wishing that they didn�t have to live with the self-imposed isolation in public. He longed to be able to hold Jack�s hand as they walked down the street together. With Mike, it had been different; they worked together, spent almost every waking moment together. And sleeping, there for a while. He hadn�t felt the need back then. But now, this was different. It saddened him that he had to hide this love that he had found � They had wandered into a block of boutique shops. Jack spotted a kitchen store and a huge grin crossed his face. �Hey Lennie, come on. I�ve got an idea.� He made a beeline toward the coffee makers. Lennie groaned, seeing where this was going. �Jack, I don�t need one. Really.� Jack glanced around to see that there wasn�t anybody else nearby and whispered into Lennie�s ear. �You�d prefer the pearl earrings, then?� Lennie couldn�t help the sputtering laugh. �All right, all right! I give in.� Lennie absolutely insisted he didn�t want anything too fancy, the sort of thing you could build a Starbucks franchise around. They finally found the perfect thing. Just a simple coffee maker, but it had a special setting to make one cup at a time. It had its own little scoop/basket that held just enough grounds for one cup. On the way home they stopped at a coffee shop and got a pound of good ground coffee. As soon as they walked in the door, Jack took it into the kitchen, determined to set it up and try it out. Lennie noticed the light blinking on his answering machine, but decided to ignore it for the moment and followed Jack into the kitchen. They unpacked the unit, gave the carafe a quick wash, and set it up, staking out a spot on the countertop near an outlet. Before long, they had the first pot and took their mugs into the living room to relax and enjoy it. Jack spotted the blinking light. �Lennie? You�ve got a message.� Lennie sighed. �I know. Was ignoring it.� Realization hit Jack. �You think it�s him?� Lennie shrugged. �Not sure if I want to find out right now.� Jack�s arm slid around his shoulders. �Get it over with, Lennie. Else you�ll be looking over there all evening.� Lennie nodded, took a good long swallow of his coffee � he had to admit, it was good. Then reached over to the end table and punched the message light. It was not the voice he expected. �Lennie? Hey, it�s me, Don. Listen, I need to talk to you. It�s about Mike, but you probably guessed that. Call me, will ya?� Jack hugged him. �OK, that�s good. Maybe you can get some answers �� Lennie sat there, staring into his coffee. Should he call Cragen, or just try to ignore it for the rest of the day? He felt Jack�s lips press against his neck. �Do it, Lennie. You�ll just drive us both crazy if you don�t.� Lennie took a deep breath and reached for the phone. �Don, it�s me. You called?� Cragen sighed with relief. �Yeah. Listen, we need to talk, Lennie.� �Yeah.� �Is Jack still there?� �Yes.� �He should probably hear this too. You want to meet somewhere?� Lennie looked at Jack, knowing he was listening. �Here,� Jack whispered. �Why don�t you just come over, Don.� �Thanks, Lennie. When?� Jack just nodded. �Might as well get this over with. Now�s as good a time as any.� �OK. I�ll be there in half an hour.� Jack pulled him into his arms as he leaned back into the corner of the couch. Long fingers feathered through his hair as they waited. Finally the knock at the door came. Jack gave him a last squeeze for reassurance, and Lennie got up to open the door. �Hello, Lennie.� Cragen�s greeting felt awkward, as if he was not sure he was welcome. Lennie managed a small smile. �Come on in, Don. You want some coffee? Still got half a pot.� Cragen raised his eyebrows; Lennie hadn�t had a coffeemaker in he didn�t know how long. His gaze wandered to Jack, sitting on the couch. Lennie chuckled. �Yeah, it was either that or a pair of pearl earrings �� Cragen couldn�t help laughing; he could just imagine the conversation that had come from. It broke the tension. �Yeah, sure. Thanks.� Lennie ducked into the kitchen and returned with another mug by the time Don had settled into the side chair. Lennie sat back down next to Jack. Cragen realized this was the first time he�d really seen them together. He noticed the way Jack�s hand rested protectively on Lennie�s back. There was definitely something here. Damn. He took a long sip of his coffee, trying to decide where to start. �Lennie, I�m sorry. I knew more than I let on. I thought I was doing the right thing, giving Mike a chance to get his head together. I didn�t expect him to do something so gawdawful stupid the minute he got home �� �So he was out of town?� Cragen nodded. �About a month ago, he lost it again. Took a swing at a particularly annoying member of the press.� Lennie sighed, shaking his head. �Aw, Mikey �� �Yeah. They managed to bury it, keep it out of the headlines, but the department shrinks gave him an ultimatum. Find a way to get the anger under control, or apply for a stress-induced disability retirement. They gave him a month admin leave to sort it out. Being a cop is all he�s ever wanted, and he�s damned good at it when he can keep it under control. He decided to get away, go out of town, try to figure out why he�s so angry. And decide if he can cope with not being a cop. So he left a couple of days before you were shot. I talked to him before he left; he made me promise not to tell you anything, Lennie. I had a feeling you were one of the things he was going to be thinking about �� He couldn�t help but notice the scowl that got from Jack. He was getting the feeling that this was going to be very hard on all of them; it didn�t look like there was any possibility of a happy ending here for everybody. And no matter what happened, Lennie was going to hurt. Lennie sighed. He knew he was opening himself up for a world of heartache here. �So he gets home and apparently decides it�s time to fix the mistake he made two years ago �� Cragen nodded. �And gets my messages about you being in the hospital, which makes him crazy. He figured you had to be out by now and just came over here without thinking, Lennie. He�s very sorry for this morning.� Jack finally couldn�t hold it in. �He should be.� Lennie heard the venom in Jack�s voice. He didn�t want to see this dark side of his sweet, gentle lover. He squeezed Jack�s leg. �Jack, please �� Cragen knew this wasn�t going to go over well, but he had to try. �Lennie, I think you should talk to him.� Lennie shook his head. �I don�t know, Don. I want to hear it from him, want to forgive him. But damn it, he�s already hurt me so much. Two years ago, and now today. I don�t know if I can take it �� // and I don�t know if I can look at him again and not feel something I don�t want to feel anymore � // Don nodded. �I understand, Lennie, believe me I do. I�ll tell you what. I�m meeting him for lunch tomorrow at O�Malley�s. If you want to join us, you�ll join us. If not, well � But I hope you�ll at least give him the chance to apologize.� Cragen got up to leave. Just as he came to the door, he felt a hand on his arm. He turned and looked into Lennie�s dark, sad eyes. �Don? Am I losing you too?� He shook his head. �Never. Lennie, believe me, I just want what�s best for both of you. It�s just that right now I haven�t the slightest idea what that is � and right now I�m all Mikey�s got.� Lennie nodded, not trusting his voice. Cragen�s hands came up, capturing his face, pulling his head down to gently kiss his forehead, then quickly let go and slipped out the door. Lennie stood there, shell-shocked. Suddenly he felt Jack beside him, pulling him into strong arms, and all the tangled emotions overflowed. He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears as Jack held him, gentle kisses dancing over his face. �It�s ok, Lennie. Everything�s going to be ok.� Even as he spoke the words, Jack doubted them, but for now all that mattered was comforting Lennie. He drew his lover back down to the couch, wrapping an arm protectively over him. Lennie gave a ragged sigh and looked up. �I don�t think it is, Jack.� Jack kissed his forehead. �Then don�t think about it.� That got a rueful smile. �Easier said than done.� �I know. But try. For me?� The smile broadened. �For you, anything.� Jack reached for the remote and turned the TV on, flipping through the channels until he found something tolerable. They sat quietly for a while, watching a movie, and when it was over they wandered into the kitchen to scrounge dinner from the leftovers of the lasagna. They finished off the last of that pot of coffee after dinner and Lennie got out a deck of cards. They played some of the games they had taught each other while Lennie was in the hospital until they both started yawning and decided to head to bed. It felt strange to just undress for bed � they usually were naked and in bed well before time for sleep. And yet Jack thought it felt wonderfully homey; as if they had realized they didn�t need sex as an excuse to sleep together. They had done this earlier on, when Lennie couldn�t, but now it was nice to do it by choice. Jack snuggled up behind Lennie, wrapping his arm and leg over his lover. Lennie sighed. �Thanks, Jack.� �For what?� �Tonight. Not pushing.� Jack hugged him. �Could tell you weren�t in the mood. It�s ok. This is nice too. Besides, I told you. I want to take care of you.� Lennie rolled over onto his back, leaving Jack almost laying on top of him. He reached up and caressed the face that looked down on him in the dark, urging it down to his lips. �I love you, Jack. No matter how this mess turns out, please don�t ever forget that.� He closed his eyes and fell asleep in the arms of his love. Continue to Chapter 2 Return to the Story Index Send me some feedback Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just borrowing them for fun, not profit. |
| Another Andrew Lloyd Weber song, this one from �Phantom of the Opera� Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime Say you need me with you, now and always promise me that all you say is true - Promise me, that's all I ask of you Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime Let me lead you from your solitude Say you need me with you here, beside you anywhere you go, let me go too - Darling, that's all I ask of you Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime say the word and I will follow you Share each day with me, each night, each morning Say you love me, like I love you Love me - that's all I ask of you |
| All I Ask of You |
| Chapter 1 |