| A Matter of Trust |
| "HIV Positive." The words sent a frisson of fear down his spine. // NO!!!!!! // His mind screamed silently. He sat, frozen, not hearing a word Adam said after those fateful ones. He clutched at the glass of scotch, his hand trembling. Eventually, he became aware of Jamie's hand on his shoulder, and looked up into her worried eyes. "Jack? Are you ok?" It seemed a ridiculous question. He laughed, but it was tinged with the slightest hint of hysteria. "Oh, sure. Just fine. It's a fucking death sentence, but hey, I'm ok �" Adam scowled at him. "Jack, I realize this is a shock, so I'll forgive that outburst. HE is Positive; there's no guarantee you will develop the virus." Jack shook his head. "Yeah, right." He knocked back the scotch and slammed the glass down on Adam's desk. "You'll excuse me � I have to update my will �" Before either of them could stop him, he had stormed out of the office. Adam mused that it was a good thing his motorcycle was still in the police impound lot. If it had been parked in the garage downstairs, Jack might have done something entirely stupid � ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He sat at the bar, staring into his second glass of scotch since he�d gotten there. His mind was whirling, too many unwelcome thoughts dogging him, not letting go. He glanced at his watch; Lennie would be here soon. How could he possibly break this news? Part of him had been starting to hope that maybe someday they�d become lovers again, if he could just get over the fears left by the rape. But now, that dream had been crushed. He remembered Lennie�s first reaction to the ideas of safe sex. // No. I can�t put him through that. Not after all he�s done for me. // Taking a long pull at the drink, he let it burn down his throat. If only it could burn a path to the hard cold place inside his heart. Ever since the rape, he�d had a feeling inside that he was somehow damaged, spoiled by the brutality of the act. Liz had told him it was a normal reaction to being violated, and he�d been trying hard to convince himself that he could still be worthy of Lennie�s affection. But now � now it was likely that he was, literally, tainted. How could Lennie ever bear to touch him again? He was unworthy AND unsafe � Lennie walked into the restaurant, looking around the lobby for Jack. He'd been running a bit late, so when he didn't spot the attorney, he headed toward the bar. Sure enough, there he was, sitting alone and staring into a glass of scotch. There was something about his posture that set off a warning bell in Lennie's mind. He approached quietly, a look of concern on his face. "Jack? Everything all right?" The attorney's eyes focused on him slowly, as if he'd been a million miles away. "Yeah, sure �" Lennie wasn't buying it, but he let it slide for now. "Come on, I'm starving." Jack gulped down the last of the scotch, and followed Lennie to where the hostess was waiting. Shortly, they were seated at a table and Jack had ordered another scotch. Lennie's eyes narrowed; he knew the signs all too well of someone using alcohol as a crutch. Something was going on here. Now if he could just find out what. "So Jack, how was your day?" After a few beats, he seemed to realize Lennie was talking to him. "Huh? Sorry, Lennie, I guess I'm kind of preoccupied tonight." Lennie raised an eyebrow. "You want to talk about it?" Jack shook his head. "I � no. Not here." Lennie reached out to touch his hand. "Later?" Jack looked into his eyes, and his own filled with his pain. All he could do was look away and nod. Lennie sighed and let it go for the moment, instead dropping into his easy story-telling mode. As they waited for their food, he chattered on, doing his best to distract Jack from whatever was bothering him, but it wasn't working. When the food came, Lennie noticed that Jack was mostly shoving it back and forth on his plate. Jack looked up to see Lennie watching him anxiously. He managed a sad smile. "I'm sorry, Lennie. I'm not very hungry. Could we head back to my place?" "Sure." Lennie called the waitress over and requested the check ASAP. Shortly, they were on their way. A heavy silence weighted down the short ride to Jack's apartment. After what felt like an eternity, they entered the apartment. Jack paused to take off his suit coat and tie, obviously stalling. Lennie followed suit, then sat down on the couch. Jack hesitated a moment, then sat down beside him. "What is it, Jack?" Lennie's voice was soft and full of concern. Jack leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands through his hair. After a deep sigh, he finally sat up. "Blaise is HIV Positive." Lennie's eyes closed as he absorbed the news. All of his earlier fears about safe sex came back and hit him like a ton of bricks. And now they weren't anonymous possibilities. This was real, and it was somebody he cared about. Jack. God, if HE was upset by this news, how must Jack feel? He looked at his friend, saw the terror in those dark eyes. He reached out and laid his hand over Jack's. "God, no �" Jack couldn't meet his gaze and quickly turned away, getting up and pacing across the room. "I went over to the clinic to be tested. The nurse said it can take up to six months for the virus to take hold. I won't � I can't know for sure for six months. She gave me a prescription that might help � oh, god, Lennie, I'm so scared �" Lennie was torn. Part of him just wanted to comfort Jack and help him forget. But there was one question he had to ask first. "Jack, can I ask you something?" "Yeah?" The voice sounded haunted. "You said you wouldn�t let the emergency room do a full exam because you were afraid of being identified. Did he � did he hurt you? Was there any blood?" He could see the shudder that went through Jack's body. His voice was very quiet. "I didn't want to know. But � I don't think so. I � it was rough, it hurt, but �" he shook his head. Lennie sighed with relief. "It's ok, Jack. That lessens the chance of you getting it." Jack looked at him, perplexed. "How do you know so much?" "At a crime scene, blood can be everywhere. Cops do get some safety training." "Oh." He stood there, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, as far away from the couch as he could get in the small room. Everything about his posture screamed his withdrawal. Lennie realized that he was afraid not only for himself, but afraid of passing on this hideous virus. And maybe afraid that nobody would want him now. Lennie had his own fears, but seeing Jack pulling away like this pushed them aside. He had to reassure his friend that he would not be abandoned. Getting up from the couch, he came to Jack's side and put his arms around the tense body. "Don't worry, Jack. I'm not going to run away. I promised you we'd get through this together, and I meant it." Somehow the words sunk in. Jack turned around to face him, gratitude in his eyes. They looked at each other for a long heartbeat. Then Jack gave a shuddering sigh and moved closer, sliding his arms around Lennie's waist and letting his head fall onto Lennie's shoulder. Lennie held him close, gently rubbing his back. "Come on, Jack, sit with me." He steered them back over to the couch. This time he slipped his arm around the still tense shoulders, pulling Jack close. After a long silence, Jack spoke. "I was afraid you wouldn't want �" Lennie hugged him. "Don't even think it, Jack. I'm here for you." "Now. But what about � oh, hell, who am I kidding? My sex life is over for good �" Lennie sighed. "Jack. Stop that. First of all, there's no guarantee you'll develop the virus. And second of all, even if you do, that's what condoms are for." Jack shook his head. "I don't think I could, Lennie." Lennie sighed. "Don't stress about it now, Jack. We'll cross that bridge when we get there." Jack shook his head. He wasn't willing to just let it go yet. "I couldn't � I couldn't ask you to take that kind of risk." Lennie hugged him. "For now, let's just hope we won't have to face that choice." They sat quietly for a little while, Lennie's fingers tracing soothing patterns over Jack's arm. Jack couldn't keep his mind from wandering down paths he wished it would avoid. It felt so good to let Lennie hold him. If only he were worthy of this loyalty and affection. If only he could show Lennie how important he was to him. He really didn't understand why Lennie didn't run away, but part of him was deeply grateful that he stayed. Lennie could still feel the tension in his friend's body. He wished desperately he could find some way to reassure Jack that he wasn't somehow 'tainted' by what had happened. He knew it was way too soon for anything sexual, even without today's revelation. But maybe � He ran one hand over the tight shoulders, his touch about halfway between a massage and a caress. Without saying anything, he worked gently at the tight muscles. After a little while he could feel Jack relaxing a little, letting himself lean against Lennie. Lennie smiled softly and hugged him. "You're really tense. How about a real backrub?" Jack stared at him. "You're really not afraid to touch me?" Lennie smiled softly. "No. I'm not. There's no reason to be afraid, Jack." Lennie's hand wrapped softly around Jack's neck, gently kneading the tight muscles, but at the same time, reassuring, comforting. Jack sighed softly at the touch. A warm feeling of acceptance and affection enveloped him as he finally realized that Lennie wasn't going to run away. "OK," he sighed softly. Lennie let go and stood up, holding out a hand to help Jack up. Together they walked back toward the bedroom. "Why don't you lie down?" Lennie asked as he kicked off his shoes. Jack nodded, sending his shoes after Lennie's then stretching out on his stomach in the middle of the bed. He felt the bed shift as Lennie sat beside him, running his hands over the broad back. The pressure gradually increased as Lennie worked on the tight muscles. And yet there was something intimate about his touch, something gentle and caressing, that never disappeared. Again, Jack wondered how he could deserve this. But it didn't matter, because deserved or not it was here, and it felt so good and warm and tender � After a while, he felt Lennie get up and come around to the other side of the bed and repeat the process. He was feeling warm and relaxed and happy, something that had seemed beyond his ability an hour ago. He felt like he was floating. "Jack? I'm going to straddle you, ok?" The soft words brought him out of his cocoon. "Yeah," he mumbled into the pillow. He felt the bed shift again, then felt Lennie's legs on either side of him as those strong hands slid up the entire length of his spine. It felt like the ultimate in luxury, wringing a deep sigh from him. He was vaguely aware of the sexual nature of the position, but for now all his mind could accept was a warm feeling of closeness. When Lennie judged Jack was just about asleep, he stopped and gently climbed off, sitting beside the prone figure. "Jack? Get some rest. I'm going to head home." Sleepily, Jack rolled onto his side. The safe, warm feeling vanished in a heartbeat. "I � I really don't want to be alone tonight, Lennie." Lennie looked down at him tenderly and realized what he was asking. They had never spent the night together as lovers; that was the line Jack wouldn't cross, of letting a lover get too close. Tonight they wouldn't be lovers, but he could see the need in the attorney's dark eyes. He reached down and gently brushed the heavy bangs back from Jack's eyes. "You want me to stay?" Jack's eyes got wide as he realized what he had asked. All he could manage to do was nod. Lennie smiled. "OK. I'll stay. I'll go out and lock up." Lennie ducked out of the bedroom to go shut out the lights and lock up for the night. Jack vaguely realized Lennie was giving him time to get undressed in private. He staggered to his feet and quickly took off his shirt and slacks, tossing them toward a hamper awaiting cleaning. Almost on auto-pilot, he turned down the covers and crawled inside still in his skivvies, suddenly nervous. Lennie came back and shut out the bedroom light, then quickly shed his outer garments and crawled into the other side of the bed. Jack felt the bed shift, and then there was a warm presence beside him. One hand gently touched his arm, and then a long, lean body wrapped around him, spooning behind him. A few hours ago he'd been sure nobody would ever want to touch him again, and now he was enveloped in this warm embrace. A tear slid down his cheek toward the pillow. "Oh, Lennie �" he gasped softly. Lennie heard the catch in his voice. "Shh," he murmured as the arm wrapped over Jack's waist hugged tighter. He placed a gentle kiss on Jack's neck, and held him close until he heard the soft steady breathing that told him his friend was asleep. Continue on to Chapter 26 Send me some Feedback Back to the Story Index Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just borrowing them for fun, not profit. |
| Chapter 25 |