For the spouse who was betrayed this means trusting the person who hurt you the most. That is not an easy step to take. It can take weeks, months and in some instances years to fully trust the person you love again. No one is saying just right back in and give them back the trust they destroyed. You are hurt, you are angry, and you probably feel like your entire world has been turned upside down. It is not going to heal over night, so go ahead and grieve. I say grieve because you do feel a sense of loss comparable to a death.

Each of us grieve differently and there is no clear cut process to follow. There is however several steps that most go through during this process. It is important not fight each step, because ultimately it is the path that will lead to healing of your heart and your relationship.

The first emotion that often hits when the infidelity is a feeling of disbelief and overall feeling numb, often it is like being in a fog you can�t find your way out of. This can last anywhere from a few hours to days or even weeks. We may feel like crawling into a dark hole and staying there. Avoiding our friends, family and the things we do on a daily basis. Nothing feels right, everything is out of sync, and you feel lost. As hard as it is right now, force yourself out of bed, go to work, go grocery shopping, cook dinner, or any thing you normally do in a day. Keep your schedule; it does help in the long run.

Next there is often a period of yearning for what was lost, in the case of an infidelity, it is the loss of trust, and the possible belief that all was well in the relationship. There will be periods of intense anger, often followed by bouts of deep sadness. You may even in some way feel guilty, as if in some way the infidelity was your fault. You even question how you did not know, what you did wrong to drive that person to seek out another. Keep in mind during this phase, that something in the relationship obviously went wrong, but the decision to be unfaithful was your spouses, and they are the ones that must own that decision.

As your emotions begin to come back to life, this next stage offers a variety of feelings. There are days you feel perfectly normal, you may even laugh and take pleasure in some things. Then there are bad days where you are sure you have not moved past the first feelings of being numb. There may be sudden outbursts of tears for no apparent reason, silence and some withdrawal from friends and family. Little things will be reminders of what used to be and it can cause your mood to plummet. This is often the hardest to work through, since your emotions are being to heal. It is however the period of acceptance. It is during this time, that you will say good-bye to what was lost and begin the slow process of carving out a new life from the ashes of the past.

Finally the feelings of depression and pain begin to ease, and you start viewing things in a more positive light. Though not completely healed yet, the road is no longer all dark. Finally, you let go of the infidelity and begin focusing your energies on more productive things, instead of the focus always being on the affair. If you and your spouse of decided to remain together, this is where you may again feel like there is hope for the relationship.

Through the stages, especially the anger, love is often overshadowed. You may believe you no longer love that person. Take the time to examine your feelings, work through the anger and decide if the love is still there. Often times it is, or you would not hurt as deeply as you do. Do not give up on the relationship at this point, you may regret it later. This is a time of soul-searching. If the relationship is unhealthy for reasons other than the infidelity then by all means ending it now will lessen the pain later. However, if you love the person and they love you, then opening yourself up to the possibility of more pain, often means in the end a stronger, healthier relationship can emerge. It however, takes courage, probably more courage then anything else in your life ever has. After all, the person you love has hurt you, which is something you never thought would happen, but is has and now you have to move past it.

So, what are steps to take to mend the relationship? It is easy to place all the blame on the spouse who cheated. However, something occurred in the relationship the made it possible for the infidelity to occur. After all, if the relationship was without issues the chances of the person ever cheating were much lower. Again this does not mean the infidelity was your fault. It means the breakdown of the relationship took you both, and it will take you both working hard to fix it.

Counseling may be the answer, to help fix the problems in your relationship. Often times an outsider who is professionally trained can help you both isolate the issues and come up with a plan to keep another infidelity from happening in the future. Some choose to tackle this on their own and are just as successful. The key is a lot of talking, a lot of taking chances and leaps of faith. Yelling and casting blame are not the answer. Honest communication about the relationship is what will mend it.

There will be days you want to talk about the infidelity in your process of trying to understand why it happened. It is vital for your spouse to discuss is feelings opening and honestly as well. He must be willing to tell you the truth. You may even want intimate details of the infidelity. However, keep in mind hearing the intimate details are extremely painful. It provides a visual for you in regards to what the person you love did with a person who was not you. For some this is not helpful, so tread carefully.

It is also normal to not trust your spouse at this point. After all he destroyed that trust. He has to earn that back and be willing to in a sense jump through hoops to prove he is not engaging in infidelities. He must end the relationship and recommit to working with you to fix the relationship. You must also recommit to your spouse to work through this part of the relationship. If both of you are committed it can be done.

Keep in mind that for now they are trying to regain your trust. You may call to check up to see if they are where they say they are going to be. You may want to check emails if it was an infidelity that began online or even check phone records. The spouse must understand that they must allow this if they truly want to earn your trust again. Keep in mind, this can not go on forever, and eventually you will have to trust them again. Living a life of constant distrust forever will not be healthy for either of you. Not to mention a sense of smothering could lay the ground work for a new infidelity to occur.

Slowly give them your trust. Let it build over time. If they are open with you, and then want to go out with friends several months from now. It will be scary to let them go, but you have to allow them some freedom if you are ever going to fully trust them again. Give it time, it will not happen over night and by all means to not just give them your full trust overnight. Make them earn it, but do not do it as a way of punishing them for the infidelity or out of anger. Do it as a way of rebuilding trust. Work as a couple to come up with a game plan that will allow the person to re-earn your trust.

While it may seem like the focus should be solely on your and your feelings of hurt and pain because you were the one wronged, there are also strong emotions going on in the person who cheated. You both are about to head down the hardest path you have gone down as a couple. Keep in mind you are working on healing yourself, and the relationship.

Give the relationship equal time; do not just focus on your own feelings, or the infidelity. Try to find out what issues in the relationship exist and make a conscience effort to work towards fixing those issues. With that done, you can emerge from this time in a healthier, stronger more committed relationship that before the infidelity. There is hope after an affair; you just have to be courageous enough to know that even when it feels like your entire life has been ripped out from underneath you.