When I decided to find a gender therapist, I first began my search outside of the small Southern city that I live in. Though I live in a college town, it sometimes lacks in liberal points of view, and I was actually concerned that if I found a therapist in town they might want to convert me into a "normal" person. So I began my search in Atlanta, a couple hour drive away, where I hear there is quite a community of people like me.

It didn't take me long to find a few therapists in Atlanta that worked in the area of gender dysphoria. Over a period of a week, I wrote to a couple. Each suggested conducting therapy over the phone as a convenience to me. However, I didn't feel comfortable spilling my guts to someone I couldn't see. To me, facial expressions are just important in a conversation as words. Daunted by the thought of driving to and from Atlanta each week, I decided to have a look at what the town I lived in had to offer.

I picked up a phone book and turned to the pages listing psychologists. Though I felt comfortable knowing that there were people in Atlanta that were willing to help me, I didn't have much hope of finding anyone locally. Boy, was I ever wrong. Though I could not find a therapist who had ever worked with transsexuals before, every single one I called was willing to see me.

However, instead of being elated by knowing there were people in town that seemed to want to help me, I became overwhelmed by a strange feeling. I felt as though their desire to see me had more to do with the oddity of my situation than a real desire to help me. After speaking to them, I felt that most of them hadn't seen a freak like me in quite sometime.

After my interviews over the phone, I made only one appointment. I decided to see the only therapist that I sensed had reservations about working with me. Though I wasn't sure, I felt her reservations came from concern - concern over whether or not she could truly help me in an area that she had little experience in. I didn't sense that from anyone else I spoke to.

Our first session seemed much like an interview for both parties. She asked what I was looking for from therapy, and after we discussed my goals, I asked if she felt comfortable with me. Her answered sealed the deal for me - She said she wanted to work "with" me. I truly felt she wanted to make this process a collaboration. That was important to me.

The first few sessions have been mostly a process of laying down the foundation. An hour long session is a lot shorter than you think when you're trying to show someone who you are. I'm really not sure what direction I should be going in now that a foundation has been laid. It's difficult at times. I look at my therapist and I expect her to lead me where I'm supposed to be going, but in reality that is my responsibility.

For quite sometime I looked at therapy as the step to get approved for hormone therapy. I saw it as a hoop I had to jump through to get to my goal. I am still angry that this system is set up with gatekeepers, however I've begun to get a new point of view - something happened to me a couple of weeks ago which made me think that if I have to do this I may as well get my money's worth.

Awhile back I took a psychological test. It consisted of hundreds of true and false questions that didn't seem to really amount to anything important. I took the test and was curious what it all meant. I certainly didn't think it could describe me with any accuracy. I was surprised when I got the results.

I had spent much of my life trying not to be like my father. He wasn't a very nice guy and I swore that I would never turn out like him. But what this test showed is that I probably have problems in the same areas he had.

I have the potential for addiction. I've always been concerned about this, and I don't drink or do drugs because I knew how easily it is to fall into the same addictions that a parent had. But what I didn't know or didn't understand is that a child can have some of the same precursor behaviors that lead to addiction that the parent had. I think I have some of these behaviors.

I also found out that I have problems expressing my aggression. I've gone out of my way for years to suppress anger and aggression because those were two areas that my father could never control. Beacuse I suppressed my anger and aggression I thought I never had anything to be concerned about.

I have worried for quite sometime that when I start testosterone my emotional control will shift. I can't wait for the physical changes, but I'm not looking forward to a loss of the emotional balance I have now. The effects of testosterone vary from person to person. There is no way to predict what my emotional reaction will be to this new, desired hormone in my body, but I want to be prepared.

I don't fear I will become an alcoholic, but I do worry that I might find some other way to numb the discomfort of the awkwardness of transition. I don't fear that I will become a violent man, but I'm concerned that I will find new aggression after I start testosterone and if I don't find a way to deal with it, I will become ever more frustrated by holding it deep down inside of me.

I would still have to say that a great part of what gets me to my therapist's office each week is the overwhelming desire to get the approval for hormone therapy. However, I've decided to try to direct my therapy toward some of the concerns I've discussed here.

What a novel thought! - I'll think of the time and money I spend on therapy as an investment in my mental health rather than just an investment in my physical being.

More to come.......

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Updated February 3, 2001