It's the Holidays, Kids! Yeah, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Good Kwanza, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, Midwinter Greetings, Wow-What -A-Groovy-Winter Solstice... did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah- Ktrrt K'rrzentaak (that's Kazerack). Grab yerself a cuppa of your favorite libation, pull up a chair and enjoy.
Put the tree over in that corner of the lobby, Igloo. That way the top will go through the hole in the ceiling (a souvenir of our last Shiny Helmettm visit). When you've got too many sheep, make sheep-dip, I always say. Or knit a lot of sweaters and surfboard covers. Funny, since we got Igloo Montana, our new mailroom clerk (courtesy of the old THE RAD and Radman himself), the Shiny Helmettm visits stopped. Either they're busy Christmas shopping, or it's Igloo's 50mm plasma gun that he keeps on the mailroom counter...
In case you looked at the top of the rag, you read it right. It's Issue number 49. In case you didn't, look at it, pretty please. Since we're electronic, we can do color now. Yay.
I know what you're probably thinking- "Great sufferin' spasmatic space-whales! It took those lazy bastids eleven months to do the last issue of the Bone. Now here it is, a month later, and suddenly we have the next one? What gives?"
Well my little chitlins, there's a good reason. We had the stories, the money, and most of all, the time to put out a year-end edition of this fine rag. Consider it a Christmas present. Okay, it's a cheap present, but it's a present. Does the CPT give you anything for Christmas? Noooo! You're lucky if you get the CPT, sometimes. I haven't gotten lucky at all- but, that's a personal problem.
First the essential holiday-newsletter stuff. Since the last edition, the SAM wanted to talk peace for all of three days, research has broken through the ghod's logjam, and I've become semi-legitimate.
That's right; I've joined a Company, sort of. Seems my Myrrian crew got together and presented me with a petition. The basic gist was that they really liked their furry hides and fluffy tails. They wanted to keep 'em intact and furry and fluffy, and being IND during a big war was a really, really stupid way of staying safe. If I didn't ground the ship, go into an area that wasn't part of the war, joined a neutral group, they would pack their bags and go back to Redloc. I can't fly this ship with just myself and my cabin-bot. Who'd make my margaritas?
So here I am, Ensign Harold Hedd of the EEM. Yep, sold my skinny IND ass out for protection. Space-lock, stock and barrel, It's not so bad really. All I do is survey work, which I and my crew of squirrely malcontents get paid for. I'll get a promotion. And best of all, it's only for the duration of the war. Kinda wish I'd been near Allipon though. Coulda had Ty Meyup show me the hot spots and where those twins hang out...
On to the good stuff. If you've managed to read the last few Bones (without throwing up, throwing it away, or throwing it at the cat, dog, or significant other) you know we've had a dearth (that's 'practically none' to you Transhole types) of interviews. This rag is known for its interviews. We were in a bind. Our reputation, low as it is, was at stake.
Then, lo! A message came in while we were back out bouncing around TCA-space. Would we like to interview the Myr Speaker? Is Nicky a fruitcake? Is Ace a schnitzel? Is Dr. Halley a comet? Who knows? Who cares? But we got it!
Ringbone Interview: Myr Speaker Cascade
A brief background: The surprise meeting took place in a small restaurant near the Exploration Academy at Redloc. Slightly gray around the muzzle, yet still tall and strong, Speaker Cascade is a prime example of a Myrrian. What was supposed to be a brief talk stretched into several hours, the conversation ranging from his view of the recent war, to ancient KZK and Pennockan history, to the Inner Empire.
Bone: What exactly is a 'Speaker'?
Cascade: A Speaker is a religious leader who speaks "with the voice of God", as it were.
Bone: So are you a political leader?
Cascade: There is no politics.
Bone: Elaborate, please.
Cascade: The Speaker is the Myr leader internally, and the spokesman for the Myr as a group.
Bone: It's often said that the Speaker's word is final. Is that really true?
Cascade: It is, but I don't use that power very often. The idea is that when I do 'speak', it's on matters of extreme importance.
Bone: So do you consider yourself a leader, or a guide?
Cascade: I guide. I want the Myr to expand, but not to their detriment.
Bone: How about some prognostication? Where would you like the Myr to expand to?
Cascade: I want the Myr to go where they want, except where their safety would be compromised. By the way, it's pronounced 'Murr', not 'Meer'.
Bone: Sorry. Do you think that the other races understand the Myr? Do the Myr get respect?
Cascade: I think so.
Bone: Even from the WCE?
Cascade: The WCE leadership and I have an understanding. The WCE rank-and-file does as well, but some like to 'speak up'.
Bone: What's the Myrrian view of the current war?
[long silence]
Cascade: The Samillians originally attacked the Imperials over teleporter tech. Never mind that the tech is Leodian to begin with. During that war, the SAM took some small small IMP colonies. They thought 'Oh goody! the Periphery is weak.'
Then they found out how defenseless [PFM colony] Delta Prime was; "Oh, goody! the TCA is weak too!" The SAM considered themselves in a pretty good position.
Bone: What about the big deal over the Cargo Carriers?
Cascade: The CC-tech [issue] is debatable. According to history, the Samillians abandoned the Kazereckii. So now that the KZK were back, the SAM feared that the KZK were seeking retribution.
The KZK made allies; the fear grew greater. The KZK rediscovered "SAM tech" and the SAM figured the Cargo Carriers would be used against them.
The SAM made the right move going against the KZK's biggest colony. But they didn't do it right.
Bone: What didn't the SAM do right?
Cascade: [After the teleporter war], The SAM thought they were indomitable. They had taken many IMP colonies during the war. The Imperials have been fighting since Day One, countless fights throughout the years - RIP, CPR, FGZ early on and so on. The constant fighting is a drain on resources, while others have been just growing rapidly.
Bone: What were the Myr's relationship with the SAM?
Cascade: The Myr were still trading with the SAM even after the Northcape incident.
Bone: So what changed it?
Cascade: The USS' indirect admission that they set up the KZK in order to start a war. The SAM were supplying the USS [in Northcape] and made the claim that an attack on the USS was an attack on the SAM.
[pause] I'm waiting for the obvious question.
Bone: Obvious question?
Cascade: Anyone can say anything...
Bone: Ah! How did you know it was a setup?
Cascade: The USS were escalating things for some time. They didn't recognize KZK sovereignty. They didn't recognize TCA sovereignty. The Imperials had given up control of Northcape. The folks at [the colony] Gold Room stated they attacked the KZK GP in the starport there because they "knew" the KZK were going to attack them. Ergo, they set up the KZK.
Bone: So are the Myr at war with the SAM?
Cascade: Technically, yes. We are supporting the TCA/IMP forces in the Periphery and TCA space.
Bone: With combat forces?
Cascade: With combat forces.
Bone: Let's go back to the Myr. What is the Myrrian philosophy?
Cascade: Qwerty [the human who is the new Minister of Insanity] is trying to figure that out too (amused smile).If there's a philosophy, it's one of a carefree lifestyle.
Bone: Would you explain that a bit more?
Cascade: Adventuresome, entertaining. Fun-loving, if you want to use that term. Der Laul is the Nutorious Affairs Coordinator. That requires a carefree attitude.
Bone: Okay, what does the Nutorious Affairs Coordinator do?
Cascade: He handles everything that doesn't fall under normal duties. That included developing the cinnamon-coated sugar-frosted-nut research project.
Bone: That was a unique development. Why do that kind of research?
Cascade: I got tired of the old style of nuts. So I asked the Nutorious Affairs Coordinator to work on it. He got the research staff together and they liked the idea. They enthusiastically worked on it and came up with the new type of nut. That is as good as an example of the Myrrian Philosophy as any. By the way, here's a bag of them.
Bone: Thanks...they are good!
Cascade: To get more, you'll have to win at gummy-ball, not merely referee it.
Bone: Looks like I'll have to start practicing. So what's the next big project?
Cascade: We're working on dancing-weasels next. Der Laul has the bite marks on his arm to attest to that.
Bone: One last thing. What do you do when you're not being Speaker?
Cascade: I do a lot of thinking. For instance, I wonder if the history of the Kazereckii is the way it is because the Samillians wrote it.
Bone: You mean about the Kazereckii being left behind in the Periphery? How would it be different?
Cascade: What if it's the other way around? What if it was the SAM fled, while the KZK stayed behind to fight? There's a lot of KZK history in the Periphery. Could it have been the Kazereckii that gave the Snittians so much trouble? Maybe the Kazereckii were the "true Samillians", while the SAM turned coward and fled to the Interstate?
Bone: An interesting idea. Thank you for your time.
Cascade: You're welcome.
I'd say it was an excellent way to break the long interview drought (Chuck Farley's interview was more like.. well, it wasn't an interview.). We've also got an agreement to touch base with the Speaker from time to time if he isn't puttering around space. Based on our long post-interview conversation, there's a lot to talk about, especially if the rumors about the Samillian Hegemony are true-
No, no, Igloo! Put the mistletoe above the doorway, not over the deep-sink. I know that's where our Rumor and Innuendo Editor likes it, and so does Rlo from the rumors going around , but we have others less flexible (literally) to think about.
Back to banality and the Bone's typical low quality that you've come to know and love. This next one's courtesy of one of our anonymous contributors , who copied it off a restaurant wall in the TCA somewhere. He also wanted it to be publicly known that HE DID NOT WRITE THEM! Happy now? Anyways, here's:
Your Starcaptain Might be a Redneck if...
* Your shuttle has been up on blocks for over a month.
* He's painted flames on the ship's engine hulls.
* There's an NRA sticker on the missile launchers
* He refers to Qumans as "them yeller critters".
* The ship sensors are repaired with aluminum foil and a bent coathanger
* There's fuzzy dice over the viewscreens
* He keeps calling his First Officer "Bubba".
* He's got a hand-tooled holster for his laser pistol.
* Your ship is painted John Deere green.
* All the planet probes are reprogrammed to find the best fishing spots.
* The ship's name is the "Ozark Babe", "Betty Lou", "Moonshine", or "Texas Trucker" .
* His idea of giving the crew R&R is line dances and "Bassmaster" reruns.
Who says we don't know how to have fun? Hey- it beats that Flagritz board game I 'm getting for Christmas (I peeked). You know, "Watching Paint Dry"? You and ten gullible friends each paint a piece of starship hull. The last one to dry wins. I heard they got the fragments from those FGZ baseships blown up at Petroom. Or was it Canally? There's been so many.
So, did you get your Christmas goose yet? Chuck U. Farley says he did (in a collect call), only it cost him about 200 stellars at one of Allipon's more exclusive, er, 'amusement houses'. Something about it being a 'special' or sumptin. He said he should've gotten cranberry sauce as well at those prices...
Before things deteriorate any further, it came to my attention that our next issue is Number Fifty. Yes, 50! The big Five-Oh. Half a C, baby. We may have been sporadic, we may be a lousy rag, but it'll be FIFTY issues of this sporadic lousy rag!
The big question is: What kind of issue do you want to see? A compilation of best of the last 49 issues? A big party-type issue? Or just our usual low-quality crap? Feedback, please. The e-mail address is at the end, or you can pull it off my "Pundit Speaks" messages on the List. We aren't publishing until the Week 12 or so, so get those suggestions in!
Speaking of low quality, the Bone has always done a version of "Night Before Christmas" in its holiday issue. Maddie started it, so blame the Bird. Here it is:
BSE Night Before Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through BSE
War was still raging in the Periphery
The SAM CCs moved through the space-squares with care
In case that EEM DNs were still there
The Ghod of Broomfield sighed with relief
He wouldn't have to run any battles this week.
And I and my crew were snug in our cargo hull
playing a hard game of gummy-ball
When outside of the ship there arose such as clatter
We raced down the passageway to see what was the matter
"Intruder Alert!" the loudspeakers screamed
We grabbed our lasers and hope that we dreamed
But there on the bridge was an amazing sight
Something we didn't expect on this Christmas Eve night
Was it the RIP, the USS, Saint Oreo?
The Grey Wolf Clan, Guv'nor Rlo?
No, standing there was a fat man in a red jumpsuit
With a white beard, big bag and a quart of vermouth
In a cloud of cigar smoke, so heavy and thick
We knew at once it was dear Old Saint Nick
He said "I ain't got much time, so I'll make it fast!
"This Christmas ain't like the other years past
"Not too many made my Good List this year
"Not the SAM, nor the RIP, nor the IMPies, I fear
"Nor the USS or the WCE, nor the AIS
"Those 'bots don't believe in me, I must confess
"It's just the Myrrians, SMS, the Lemites, EEM and FET
"and would you believe, Bill Cody?
"The Kastorians, Celtians, three-fourths of the TCA,
"But not the Naplians (hey, what can I say?)
"Not Nicky, nor Ace, nor Scaflock (it's true!)
"but Rlo, Doctor Halley, Maddie, and yes, you and your crew."
So he laid out gifts: nuts, tequila (though he poured off a shot)
He even left gear oil for my cabin-bot.
Then he signaled his sled "Teleport me away"
(not a SAM design, I'm happy to say )
And so as he slowly faded from sight I could hear
"Merry Christmas, get off your dead ass, and do The Bone four times next year!"
And who says I'm a no-talent hack with delusions of grandeur? I mean, besides Blaze, Deslock, Den Of Earth, Arch Priest Marid, Vizier Gamyedo, Shannon "Janet Reno Reincarnated" Retief, Hepto Balthazar, etc. None of them got Christmas presents. They didn't even get a lump of fossil fuel in their stockings (or in the case of the USS, their nylons).
Okay, okay. I'll lay off. Christmas spirit and all that.
Letters To The Editor
I just got finished reading that dung-wipe excuse you call a newsletter!! If you call my people the "Oberon Clan" instead of the proper form "Clan Oberon" one more time, I'm going to write up an explicit love letter, forge your name to it and send it to Larissa!! There ain't nothing more deadly then that woman and sex!! Should have wrung her neck like a chicken the day she popped out, but I can't think of a better threat to terrorize punk editors with!
Just thinking about her, some poor lad, and the 256th chapter of the Geschlecht Liebchenbuch is enough to make one shudder with fear!!
Mating habits of the Oberon's indeed! Don't worry about that Hedd, you couldn't survive it anyhow!!
Drak Konner Kyl Oberon, Patriarch of Clan Oberon and Coordinator of the Oberonic Guard Command
Dear DKKO;
Around here we like to refer to the Bone as "garbage wrap", not dung-wipe. Some in the Transhole don't know what the term "dung-wipe" means. They have lackies- [Huh? yeah, I know it's Christmas! Okay, okay! I'll lay off. Sheesh.]
Oberon Clan, Clan Oberon? What's in a name? It's still a clan of mildly psychotic hot-house "Ubermen", right? Larissa and Geschlecht Liebchenbuch Chapter 256, indeed. When she gets to the addendum written by Rlo Krieger, then she and you will have something to brag about.
And if you do follow through on your threat to have Larissa visit, I'm gonna ask Olga at Kommercia to chaperone us. Now that is one tough chick!
And now this one, also from Drak (guess being governor of Stinkbug must leave a lot of time on his hands):
Hey Heddy!
How come the HOGS ain't getting the credit due them?? The SAM and their lackey always bitching at Morgan or the TCA'ers, they never mention that it's the HOGS that show up in big numbers and kick some butt!
Now don't get me wrong, our allies are there too and fighting and dying right alongside us, but if you just listen to the other side you would think the warfleets have been nothing but USA and TCA!
Check out them battle reports and count them Oberon's. We come in flocks!! Ships and colonies die when we show up! The SAM/USS warfleet at Newbian/1639...wiped....the colony USS New Beginning....blasted the space defenses....USS Lady Rose, USS Kuk-Haeng, USS Grossiste, USS Gray Mill, USS Exodus, USS Leviticus, USS Numbers, USS Deuteronomy, USS Genesis, SAM Tyrannic, SAM Atlas, SAM Pest II, SAM Irritation II...smoked or captured....colonies SAM Degewanus, SAM Gaedagoh, USS Cajun, USS Husgow....all holes in the ground.
No, we were not alone at most of these battles, we were just a part of a larger warfleet, but dammit WE WERE THERE and in many instances we were the largest warfleet there!! Yet it's like we didn't even show up!! Hell we wiped out Cajun BY OURSELVES!! And if it wasn't for the press of other duties there would be many other dead USS colonies.
Members of Clan Oberon have died fighting this war and damn'it'all my people deserve some damn credit! The Havoc Oberonic Guard Squadron is one of the finest, meanest, baddest warfleets in the Periphery and if anyone disagrees they can kiss my big, fat, hairy,..........
Coordinator Drak Konner Kyl Oberon, Oberonic Guard Command/ISP
Hey, DKKO, I don't know why you Oberons don't get mentioned. Are you using Cheetah Stripper as your press agent? Is the Oberon advertising campaign run by Gamyedo and Company? Way I figure it, if you ain't being seen, you ain't being targeted. Keep quiet and shoot 'em from hiding, that's the Hedd motto. Look at the poor Myr; they make a public war declaration, don't shoot anyone and look what happens? A fleet of riffraff show up, paw through their garbage and molest their dog. Man, I'd hate to see what those puppies look like.
Yeah, yeah, enough ranting by me- Christmas, ho ho ho, and all that. Here's a literary piece right in tune for the holiday:
THE REGIMENT
by Jay Seafeather
It was early Christmas morning when I stepped out onto the starport tarmac of a remote IND colony. All was quiet, stars were still out in the half-light of a false-dawn. A few ships were scattered around the starport, their crews sleeping off their holiday revelry. It was cold and I could hear the frost crunch under my boots.
The only ones who knew I was here was Seiji Tanaka, my aide, and my new wife. Had the rest of the Company knew I was here, there would have been disapproval. A dangerous maneuver, especially with the war on and the Company neutral, they would have said. I still wasn't well, they'd have argued, and besides, I should have been home. Home, safe and warm with Tami, now pregnant with our child, and with her family that became the one that I had lost. A Prussian Christmas was supposedly an event never to be missed. But I had a duty, and she understood. I turned up the heater in my greatcoat a notch and walked on.
At the far end of the starport by the training complex was a cluster of barracks, temporary structures that had long since become permanent. There, on the tarmac in front of them was a group of soldiers in formation. A muffled order was given, and the troops snapped to attention.
As I drew closer, I could make out faces in the growing light. A few of them were new, but many were familiar. In front of the three companies stood those I had first met in the waning days of the CPR Rebellion; still mercenaries, but no longer RIP. There were also former Community acolytes, still blue-eyed and dark-haired, alongside ex-prisoners who joined, preferring a death in combat to an execution. Kazereckii warriors who left in the great migration from Michuriak Hive and joined the Unit, because they had nowhere left to go. The lone Kolarian, who defied his tribe and joined up was there, his new sargeant stripes on his sleeve.
They were the detritus of the Periphery. The losing side, the lost causes, the displaced, the rootless, the hunted. They were the Regiment. It was smaller, almost a battalion, and under a different name. But it would always be the First Regiment of the Legion Etrange
And at the head of them all was the Lieutenant. Once a sargeant at Kolars, breveted to officer after the battle of Kzurchia Hive, briefly a non-com mercenary, and once an ex-colony governor. An exile, a man who for all practical purposes was considered dead, and would be if his real name were discovered. He'd filled out some since I last saw him, but the dark eyes and hair were still the same.
He saluted. "Good morning, Admiral."
"Good Morning, Lieutenant Zeke," I returned the salute. "Good to see you." His lips smiled briefly, then turned.
"Regiment! Parade rest!" The order was repeated.
"Call the muster, Sargeant Major." The senior noncom saluted and turned to the troops.
"Abanake!"
"Here!" came a voice from the back.
"Baron!"
"Here!"
The muster went on, until one-hundred sixty names were called. Then-
"Danjou!"
"I answer for Danjou," I replied.
"Vilain!"
"I answer for Vilain." said the Kolarian sargeant
"Maudet!"
"I answer for Maudet," the voice belonged to the youngest private, a youth barely out of his mid-teens. He'd been one of the lucky ones from the Pittsburgh refugee groups.
The muster went on: Maine, Katau, Wenzel, Constantin, Leonhart; the Seven of Camerone. Koenig of Bir Hakiem, DeCastries of Dienbienphu, Tanaka of Mons Olympus, MacQuarrie and Messervy of Valaskjalf, O'Brien of Curiosity, and Brakehart of Kolars. Then came the last two names:
"Swift!" Travers Swift had been the main supporter of the Regiment and had been made an honorary and permanent member at his death. This year would be the tenth since his passing on .
"I answer for Swift," the Lieutenant spoke. He usually answered for the last name.
"Seafeather!"
"Here." I replied. Of the Sixteen in the Ghost Patrol that are sounded off at the Christmas and Camerone Musters, I was the only one who, literally, had returned from the Dead. Now it would be Fifteen; my name would be called, and someone would answer for me, but I would not rejoin their ranks until I died again.
"Parade the colors!" the Lieutenant ordered.
From the left end of the formation came the color guard. Among the flags were two I hadn't seen in years; the blue and white of the IAN, and the blue and red colors of a unit considered just as dead and gone. The unit officers ordered 'present arms'; as they passed by silently and took position to our right, away from the colony.
After the 'order arms' was given, there was a moment of silence. Then from the far end came the wail of a bagpipe. The piper crossed in front of the unit and passed from sight. The pipes died away.
The sun broke out over the horizon. From alongside the first unit marched the firing detail, silently, their feet barely making a sound, projectile weapons across their chests.
"Regiment," called the Lieutenant, "Attennshun!"
At the muted orders of the detail officer, three volleys rang out.
"Regiment! Present arms!"
From our left came the notes of a bugle, echoing off the buildings, into the clear, cold air. Three times it sounded 'Taps', first in the French tradition, then the old American, then lastly, the Imperial.
As the notes died away, the Lieutenant gave his final order of the ceremony.
"Regiment! Pass in review!"
Silently, the units passed before us, the only commands given being 'eyes right' and 'eyes front' . When it was done and the last had marched away, the Lieutenant turned to me.
"The presents for the troops arrived last night. Glad you could make it as well, sir."
"So am I. Don't know when I'm going to be able to again, though."
"I understand, Admiral," he replied, "You have new duties now. Being a father soon, one of them."
"You found out?"
"Well," he smiled, "there are a few back there who still talk to me. On the q.t., of course."
"Of course," I replied and turned to him, "I'll make sure you get a holo when the baby's born."
"Thanks, Sir. And Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you too...Zeke. Now let's get inside before they eat everything."
Sniff! Wasn't that special? I was waiting for the youngest recruit to get his wings or sumptin. Of course the only bells that will be ringing are Duckbutt's when he gets back. I sent our beloved lackey out to Petroom to get an interview with Olga Kovaleva:
A Bone Quickie Interview: Olga Kovaleva
[Olga Kovaleva rose from factory worker and militia leader to the rank of General, and a big role in the KZK's efforts to dislodge the Samillians and their USS allies. I the intrepid Bone cub reporter and lackey extraordinaire, Homer Q. Duckbutt, traveled to Petroom to talk to General Kovaleva, only to find that Olga wasn't here. After stumbling around various and chaotic military offices, bars, more offices, and a few more bars, I finally manage to arrange a vidphone call]
Bone: Thanks for talking to me. Once I got here, I found out that you're no longer on Petroom.
Olga: Yes. I am currently on Dogleg, where communications facilities are far better for directing operations in the Transhole—both my special forces units operating there now, and the coming offensive. I am also helping open the drive for the Third KZK War Loan. Our slogan is "We shall have Hope for Christmas!"
Bone: How did I miss the first two war loan drives? I wasn't in the starport lounge _that_ long, was I?
Olga: The first KZK War Loan was a closed subscription offered Week 10/197. Three million stellars were raised to fund the Gudanval Ground Campaign, Phase II, which eliminated illegal USS holdings in Northcape. Thanks to Kazereckii industriousness and some help from our TCA allies, that loan has been entirely paid off—some four months ahead of schedule.
The Second KZK War Loan was provided week 25/197 by a mysterious private donor, and allowed KZK Special Forces Command and the Kovaleva Units to expand operations ito Samillian space (Myrchants costing us some 200,000 stellars each at that point.)
Bone: I keep hearing talk here on Petroom about some your side capturing some SAM Ccs, and using them in this fund drive, What sort of part are they playing?
Olga: KZK forces captured two SAM CCs week 43, the troop-transports Tyrannic and the Atlas. They made a short visit to Petroom, where they were very enthusiastically received by the public there. Consideration is being given to flying them to Jax for a war bond rally prior to returning them to military service
Bone: So what else are the KZK doing to kick off the Third War Loan? Bake sales?
Olga: I have directed a new offensive on Utopia, to help set the tone for the drive. Last week, a KZK ground party, "Hope for Christmas," attacked USS Hope and Canton, destroying some 529,866 mass units of USS weaponry and the deaths of 323,402 troops forced to fight for the USS. KZK losses for week 49 are estimated at 407,930 mass units.
This week additional KZK forces, with USA assistance, attacked Hope, Canton, Shirr, and the remnants of Eborn. With the thousands of tanks involved, and the effects of the week 49 attacks, I expect that the USS shall have been cleaned off of Utopia.
I have also appeared at several rallies here on Dogleg, and the response has been quite good. We have also been selling "Transhole Tour-97" t-shirts with the KZK Special Forces insignia, which have proven quite popular with the younger crowd.
Bone: I know; I picked up a bunch for me and the Bone staff (Boss, they'll be on my expense account). Is this Third War loan financing the war in the Periphery, or in SAM space?
Olga: Primarily in Samillian space. Arrangements have been made for others to finish off the USS "SAM citizens" in the Periphery. The Peoples of Kazerack are turning their eyes towards the Samillian homeland. But not a covetous eye, as the Samillians have had on our beloved Petroom, but rather a stern, punishing eye. I do not seek to conquer, but merely to teach a lesson—a harsh lesson.
Bone: How goes the rest of the war?
Olga: I think we're doing quite well. There have been no new Samillian gains for some 20 weeks, since they took Samms, and they have been beaten decisively at Petroom. Their USS lackies have likewise made no gains for some five months—save for those on Utopia, which they have essentially lost. Most USS colonies in the Periphery have already fallen, and plans have already been drawn up to excise the rest. Reconnaissance is showing many SAM colonies to be far weaker than expected.
Last summer, I thought that it would be February before the Samillians were off Petroom, and perhaps June before we were ready to invade Samillian space. Now it looks as if we are some four to six months ahead of that schedule.
Bone: Getting back to the peace talks, can you shed any light on what your side's opening proposals were?
Olga: Oi! I don't follow the talks too closely—I don't think those murderous Transhole roaches are to be trusted. The SAM may talk openly like they want peace, but when it comes to negotiations.... I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. D'zk Pa-ag'to has been selected as the alliance negotiator.
My understanding is that a ceasefire proposal was issued week 47 through through the mediator, Dr.Noa Krieger as the Samillians wanted. The operations on Utopia were even delayed for a week, to see if there would be a Samillian response. Here it is, week 50,and there still hasn't been even the courtesy of a reply. I wonder why Central Command is even wasting its time with this.
Bone: One more thing-
[At this point a buxom young ensign comes into the vidscreen background. She says something to Olga Kovaleva about a wide-band message from Col. Hale, the SAM Rogue Squadron spokesman. Olga's demeanor suddenly changes. "Razing! After what HIS people have done to us, he has the GALL to tell US not to raze any of HIS precious colonies! I know he has to say what he's told to, but the chutzaph of this...this...%$#@#*....." Looking at the mounting vidphone bill and mindful that I've already overextended my expense account, I decide to hang up.]
After all that time and money we spent getting him there , I'd better get my friggin' T-shirt. The only other one that I have is 'My Friends Wiped Out Rept and All I Got was This Lousy T-Shirt". It's in "nuke-em" green day-glo. I'm going to give it to Rlo for Christmas.
Well, that's it, Kids! Another exciting literary adventure down the ol' Curry Tube. Happy Holidays and don't party too much, at least not to the point you don't know who's under the mistletoe with ya. Later!
* The Tiffster's secretly engaged. No idea who the lucky beau is, except that he's supposed to be some "big Company guy".
* A race of artificially intelligent beings has been discovered deep in the Nexus. Looks like the AIS have some competition.
* The Samillians may have war troubles besides the ones in their current campaign, namely within their own government.
Yep- the 1997 Stempy Awards are officially in existence, and sponsored by the Ringbone- Maddie Mallard Foundation . Nominations will be accepted starting the day after Christmas and announced on Week 5, 198. You can nominate only once. The areas are:
1. *Character of the Year (Good or Bad)
2. *Affiliation of the Year (Good or Bad)
3. Event of the Year (Good or Bad)
4. *New Item/Tech of the Year (item/tech must have been developed during 197)
5. *BSE List Message of the Year (longest, most outrageous,etc)
6. *Windbag of the Year (Harold Hedd is not eligible)
Awards with an (*) will receive a stellar prize paid to the characters' or affiliation's position. Any unclaimed prizes will be given either to a runner-up or an eligible position of the R-MM Foundation's choice.
The Bone will engage a neutral party to receive copies of all nominations. Members of the Ringbone Gazette Staff and Ringbone-Maddie Mallard Foundation are not eligible for nomination. Final determination will be made by a select board of judges, who are also not eligible.
Classifieds
THORLIUM, THORLIUM, THORLIUM! Top prices paid for big, big quantities. Contact Thor-man c/o the Ringbone Gazette.
QUMANS! Radio Free Neptula is on the air! Get news, sports, happenings in Drell, and above all, the TRUTH! Don't let Nicky blind you to what's really happening. Just search the high end of your comm-band. We shift frequencies to prevent jamming.
Thanks *BOB*, for helping me achieve Utter Slack - Anonymous
Visit IND Werth on your next R&R. Merchandising, prisoner exchanges, debauchery. Werth has everything, for everyone. Wisepran 1057 on Hile.
The Ringbone Gazette is a role-playing rag covering the area known as Beyond The Stellar Empire. Generally it is printed four times a year by the Ringbone Press. All in-character submissions, hate mail, advertising, are welcome. E-mail [email protected] for submission info.
The Ringbone Staff
Maddie Mallard - Editor Emeritus Father Larry - Founder
Harold Hedd - Editor in Chief Igloo Montana - Mailroom
Juan Moore-Tyme - Ass. Editor Rnl Krieger - Intern
Kinki DeWins - Rumor & Innuendo Chuck U. Farley - Who Knows?
Homer Q. Duckbutt - Office Lackey
The Ringbone Gazette would like to thank the following for their contributions and support:
King Komehameha, RIP Hawaiian Clan
Byblos Restaurant [OOC: Its' a real place with great food, in Tempe, AZ . Belly-dancing Sunday nights]
Speaker Cascade of the Myr
Myrrian Nutorious Affairs Coordinator's Office
Radio Free Neptula
Gandalf of the KME (he knows why!)
IND Werth Chamber of Commerce
The BSE Home Page
Kommercia People's Defense Command
Clan Oberon, Clan Oberon, Clan Oberon!