Changes

(another Out of Character Editorial - the Bone is below if you want to skip this)

If I really had an ego like the Pundit at Large's, I'd say my first Bone OOC editorial was something equivalent to Cronkite's pronouncement after the Tet Offensive had on the Vietnam War.That is, if I had the Pundit's massive ego. No less than three weeks after the editorial was published came an announcement that BSE was to be sold to a new company called Slow Motion Games (SMG), owned by a BSE player and GM'ed by a former player. In essence, RTG has said "scroom all" and thrown BSE back to (more like "at") the players. I don't claim to know why, but I suspect it was a combination of player "input", like legal threats and the near-incessant kvetching and questions that did them in.

And guess what? It hasn't ended with the news. After intense player input (including whining and threats to quit), the new regime has promised there will be evolutionary changes to the game instead of a major update. Then came the announcement that there will be some significant changes. Maybe there should be other changes as well.

First, let's suspend the "I'm the customer so I'm always right and I can be an absolute butthead about it" attitude. Cut these guys some slack until things are up and running well. You are paying for the turns, but you don't own the game. When you buy an airline ticket, does that mean you get to fly the jet? As I said in my last editorial, most of us have the tact and interpersonal skills of a wolverine. Amazing how few disagreed with me (except to add a few other professions).

And speaking of that- if you have a disagreement, try being civilized about it. This also includes you confrontation-professionals. Ever hear of the Golden Rule? Threats and abuse seem to tick me off. I suspect there aren't too many others who enjoy it either (except you masochists and I really don't want know about your proclivities).

Remember, you aren't the only player in the Game and you opinion isn't the only one. Try parking the keyboard, your ego, and your self-interest for a while. There are going to be changes to BSE. Why not try the novel idea of looking at their long-term effect on the game, and not on your own personal fiefdom? In real life you pump money and time into things that do not necessarily work out because of compromises. What makes it so different here?

It is asinine to think that, just because BSE will be run by existing and former players, it's okay to keep doing what we've always been doing as players. BSE has escaped another demise. It will hopefully be in its third ownership. It will and should evolve. It's time that we players think of evolving as well. There may not be another chance.

The Ringbone Gazette

Issue 60                                Summer 200

Hope you Kids are having a wunnerful Summer. I know I am. Even though there's lots of changes in the offing, I'm not gonna worry my pretty little head over it. Editors just wanna have fun, y'know.

Well, the Ship of Fools Tour is still in the TCA. Matter of fact, we're kinda on a side-trip to earn a little cash. Yeah, I kinda went a little overboard last shore leave, took the crew out, and spent a lot. How was I supposed to know that they charged by the minute? I guess the "Cohoes Massage Parlor and Social Club" shoulda tipped me off. I thought it was a hookers' cooperative. Co-Hoes, get it? Nevermind....

So we're back to doing survey work. Our R& R consists of running over to Northcape on the weekends for some simple (read: free) fun. Did you know that Hammerfest has some of the best surfing in Known Space? Of course you gotta watch out for the stray Air- Breather snipers. But hey, I just goofy-foot it and it throws off their aim.

Speaking of  potshots and goofy things: the annual meeting between the soon to be former BSE Ghods and the denizens of BSE [aka GenCon] should have taken place by the time you read this. Any bets on whether it resembled:

a)  A passenger terminal when the flights are canceled,

b) A Bitterly Divorced Couples Association convention,

c) The Clinton Impeachment Alumni Reunion?

In any case it must've been interesting and awkward, to say the least. Maybe a trip to a few "cultural points of interest" (they tend to run in pairs) will mellow things out a bit. They always seemed to calm down Morgan.

Speaking of the Master of Megalomania, there's another addition to the Grey Wolf Clan. Congratulations to all involved. At the risk of being branded a pilferer from the BSE List, here 'tis the:

USA Announcement

Please be advised that the United Sentient Alliance formally annexes that portion of space denoted as the Gateway Nebula (399). The USA intends this portion of space to be open to all peaceful explorers and developers. All are welcome to contact this office in regard to charters, advices on navigation, and specialized equipment necessary. We note that the area is currently somewhat infested with vermin, but this situation should be rectified shortly.

Please do not hesitate to contact the undersigned with any comments or questions.

Lord Rhys Haldane, President, USA

Clan Chief, GWC

P.S. The Grey Wolf Clan is pleased to announce its newest member, Tristan Anthony, born June 8, 8lbs., 6.5 ozs. 20 inches and 2 weeks early. All are doing fine.

P.P.S. Rlo, the genetically enhanced wet nurse was a lovely gift. She can fill a bottle from across a room!

Nice to see some good news for a change. And who says Rlo Da Foist isn't considerate? Though I coulda been happy not reading about the wet nurse...

Can ya believe the Foelian web page calls us "a satirical look at BSE"? Makes us sound like a buncha intellectuals. Well, maybe we do a little bit, but not the whole enchilada. I knew that I should've sent Duckbutt over to talk to Whisper when I had the chance. By the way, where is Duckbutt? What- he's not here? He didn't come with us? So where is he? What do you mean he's playing "Ten Questions"? With who? Did he take his secretary with him? Oh...

The Bone's Ten Questions with King Rlo Da Foist

1. Rlo, just how did you become the number one Imperial?

Rlo: Hey Duckbutter, datz Youse Most Hedonistic Majesty Rlo da Foist, or Youse Highness, or The Sex God formerly known as Rlo, but youse iz too young to be callin' dis king by his foist name. Now as to youse question... Itz legit, and I haz da signed papers to prooves it. And da Imperoil signatures haz ben authentikated. Or, I jus' mighta won it in a card game... Itz all sorta hazy and booze clouded.

2. How has your... appointment been received by the Imperial rank and file?

Rlo: They luves it. And they all got onboard of da ideer right away. Even me favorite unkle, the Baron Von Krieger, liked da idea, and he wuz da foist one dat I thought wood hates the idea. Him bein' so Prussian and all. Did I tells youse dat he iz me favorite unkle?

3. What kind of response have you gotten from the other governments?

Rlo: Not much, butts a little...and all of dat wuz positive. Well, at least no death threats. When youse is da king any day dat ain't got a death threat in it is a good day.

4. Why did the Addler "dynasty" end so quickly and unexpectedly?

Rlo: Maybe their bubble rose too quick and they wuz unprepared to face da pressures inherent with da leadership of da Reich, or maybe they gots caught with their hands in da till, or maybe dey wuz secretly dealing with da RIP (Really Ignorant Politicians), or maybe they overindulged wit one too many Robotic Pleasure Sheep(tm), or maybe dey spent too much time wit Imperial groupies and not enough time TCB, or maybe youse could insert your own conspiracy theory here. It happened befour I got here, okay? I don't kno and I don't care.

5. What changes have you made so far?

Rlo: Foist of all, I robbed the Treasury and sent 145 million stellars to me personal Swiss bank account. Hey, youse ain't recording this iz you? Dammit! I freed all da slaves, and if'n youse don't mind me usin' youse rag to make an announcement I'll say hear and now dat da possession of Pleasure Slaves (7) is no longer an offense under Imperial Law. Dey wuz never really slaves anywho, except dat dey was 'slaves' to passion and desire. And why should dat be a crime?

Oh, and dat da GRU iz gonna take over da old ISP colony Stinkbug, re-flag it IND and re-name it West of Werth, or Port Vegas, or something else, and open the western Periphery to da hedonistic experience, only closer. Oh, and everyday is No Panties Day (for da ladies) at the Royal Palace...and free snausages and brewski for everyone, everyday, all day and all night.

6. Let me get this straight- you're declaring all drugs, intoxicants, and pleasure slaves legal?

Rlo: Pretty much. Pleasure slaves ain't slaves, they iz 'hoes. Woiking goils tryin' ta make a livin'. Nowadays dis prostitution thing is regulated and licensed. Da goils (and guyz, fur those into dat sorta stuff) has ta go fur tests and fizziculs every week. Believe me, dey is squeeky clean. Itz a business transactions, stellars fur pleasure. Da very essence of business. So, how can youse justify dat dis iz illegal? Like the Chewbacca Defense, it just doesn't make any sense. Pffffft! Dey ain't illegal, no more.

Az fur da drugs. Simple deduction, me deer Watson. Whut effect duz drugs have on a population that takes them? Weird as it may sound the effect is POSITIVE. How can a positive effect be wrong? If'n it ain't wrong, then why iz it illegal? Pffffft! Dey ain't illegal, no more.

7. Have you talked to the RIP at all?

Rlo: Nah, not really. Dey ain't got no grasp of reality. Dey don't understand dat wishin' fur a ting and havin' dat ting is like two different woilds. Besides, dey is just anudda anti-Imperial entity with a political agenda to propagandize about. Dey shure ain't youse daddy's RIP, and datz da truth. But, if dey thought day had sumpin' meaningful to say I'd be willing to at least talks wid 'em...if da price iz rite.

8. Yer, I mean, Your Highness, did you really intend to sell the Periphery to Wishbone of the RIP?

Rlo:Sure, why not, if'n the price wuz rite. Peeples tink dat bein' a guv'mint is all phun and games. Ha! Itz a pain in the ass. Not fur me, youse understands, but fur da guyz dat has to do it, itz tuff woik. Me, I just live like a king. But, I kno'd dat da pirates (a) were talking out their pantleg and (b) didn't have da cash. I figger'd I'd make him put up or shut up.

9. Who's running Werth while you're away?

Rlo: Me bud, Ed "Big Irish" Brennan. I met him about twelve years ago in a bar. We drank, we fought, we drank some more, we picked up babes...he became my lawyer. And with O.Leo Spackle slated to run West of Werth, "Big-I" was next in line for promotion. Plus, and its totally unrelated, he said he had sum photographs dat wood get wide publication.

Yeah, there's only nine questions. Duckbutt couldn't think of one more, so we let it go at that.

Somebody supposedly got wrapped around the proverbial axle when I suggested it would be really nice if Vizier Jzeb, Hagbard Celine and the rest of the USS leadership of the Great War were staked out on Jax's starport while the entire fleet of ISP fleet of ISDs landed. Chill, Dude. First of all it's only my opinion. Last I heard, it wasn't illegal to have one of 'em. Why am I still mad at the sheep-shaggers? 'Cause the war they started threw my Ship of Fools Tour schedule off by two years. Two years of fun and merriment wasted.

Besides, the Impies couldn't get enough ISDs together at one time to make it really worthwhile anyway. And no- I won't settle for "touch-and-go's" by a couple. Well, maybe ten or twelve of 'em....

Not much else shakin' on the BSE front, Kiddies. Even for summertime. It's been as quiet as a Broomfield press conference (dah-dum!). Yeah, I'm being oh so mean and inconsiderate again. I'll blame it on a hangover.

Speaking of hangover, our intrepid Transhole reporter, Chuck U. Farley, somehow managed to send us another article. Guess the ol' stellar account was running a bit low:

Another Conversation at Allipon

with Chuck U. Farley

Allipon is the only Free Port in Transhole. It's a home, a sanctuary, and the end of the line for many people. I won't tell you where I fit in.

It was the end of Week 35. I was sitting in my usual seat in the Dwarf Star, the stool at the far end of the bar. Since it was warm in the place, I'd switched to Dr. Phuzy's Rocket-Fuel Flavored Wince Coolers. I was working on my fourth or so when a man sat down at the bar next to me.

"Hello, Mister Farley."

Something seemed familiar about him. He looked like any other crew member. A worn and faded jumpsuit, scuffed ship's boots. Hair tied back, a trim mustache and goatee. Then I remembered.

"Prince, right?"

"Good memory," he replied, " Yes, I'm Jason Prince."

"It took a while," I admitted, "So what brings you here, Jason?" Turns out he was in for a visit. His ship had just completed a multiple series of runs, delivering ores. He ordered a stimbrew for himself and another round for me. Nice guy, that Prince.

"These folks out here are working overtime," Jason said after he took a sip, "they've got these research colonies humming. And they aren't working on the latest culinary appliance either."

"Getting ready for the next war?" I asked.

"Could be," he shrugged and picked up his glass again, "Maybe it's more matter of  just being prepared. There's still a bunch of unfriendlies out there."

"You mean like the mythical Fish?"

"They aren't mythical, Farley." Jason said tightly, "They're real, all right. There's about two hundred and thirty billion people who'd agree- if they were around to talk about it."

"Sounds like you've had first hand experience."

"I've been here and there," he replied as he ordered another round, "Ever seen a planet wiped clean?"

"What do you mean by 'clean'?"

"Clean. Nothing on the land, not even plants. Very little if anything in the oceans. Of course they got... better, and more selective as time went on..." Jason's voice trailed off and he looked like he was staring at something a parsec away. Then he shook his head and picked up his drink.

"They carved a swath through the Inner Empire; maybe thirty-five, forty percent of it. Water planets or anything with over half of it ocean, cleared off like you'd clear a forest for farming. Sometimes it was all over in less than a day. Sometimes, the inhabitants were unlucky to live longer than that."

Prince had finished off his stimbrew and was playing with the glass. Finally he looked over at me.

"You ever get off that perch, Farley?"

"Sometimes," I admitted, "Mostly to go home to sleep."

"Know any good nude dance joints around here?"

"A couple," I replied. "One in particular. The Blast Doors. It made Ludendorf's "Breast 100" list."

"C'mon, then." the crewman slapped me on the shoulder, "Time for you to see something besides of that holoscreen." he peered up at the fussy images, "what the hell is up there, anyway?"

"The owner finally gave in and sprung for the Decadence Channel. Of course she hasn't bothered to get the holoscreen fixed."

"I can't tell if it's breasts or blast-tubes on there," Jason remarked as he peered at the screen, "All the more reason to get out of here. C'mon- we can finish our little talk elsewhere."

To be continued...

"To be continued" my hindquarters! Chuck's just fishing for another advance on his expense account. No particular reason for these graphics. I just like looking at 'em while I'm typing away.

Right about now I bet you're saying to yerself, "Hedd, you you sorry-assed drunken excuse for a hack editor! where's the interview? Where's the Letters to the Editor?"

First, I never drink while I'm flying. Only on the weekends when we're landed (that accounts for the uneven quality of this rag). And yes, we have no interview this edition. Oh, we had one in the works, but it required jumping through too many hoops. I can't even get my staff to get outta their chairs, and they're gonna jump through hoops? But we do have....

Letters to the Editor

Hedd,

Who died and made you such a Great Authority? Your gall and lousy attitude are second only to that big butthole Morgan. Why don't you make the Ringbone Gazette the way it used to be: a fun newsletter?

Annoyed

Say what? When has this rag been anything but fun? At least I'm having fun. At least that's what I tell myself when I read letters from bozos like you.

Seriously, the Bone was "fun" because there was a lot of input into it. That means somebody has to contribute. If you're gonna sit around and bitch, well Bubba, you don't deserve anything else.

Dear Editor Hedd,

Please be careful with the language in the Bone. It's on-line now and anyone can access it. Thanks.

A Concerned Reader

This isn't from the same guy who has a fourteen year-old dotter that 'might' read stuff like this, is it? How did ya like the joke in the last Bone about the four USS starcaptains and the newbie? What - I didn't put it in? Okay, this issue then.

No, yer right and we have tamed it down a tad. But I see worse stuff in the 'mainstream' pages. And I won't go into what I hear on the beach, from the kids no less. Doesn't the Bone doing it. It just seems funny that this rag is the one getting the commentary.

I was rummaging through some old Bones to see what I could put in the archives. Didja realize there used to be twenty-seven flavors of RIP? Just kidding- there were five or so.  Maybe we should do another RIPathon issue, eh? Even better- we'll do a telethon for the Wishbone Bellamy and Jaime Retief Research Funds. Those poor boys are always complaining about how they don't get their feasibility studies and stuff back. Maybe they should take up another hobby, like fly-fishing. Or sex. Or sex while fly-fishing. That one could get a bit painful tho.... 

I bet you thought I was kidding when I said I had a joke about the USS. Well, I do. So without any further aimless, magarita-inspired rambling, here's:

The USS Story

A new USS starcaptain drops into a USS colony for his first R&R visit. He walks into a bar and begins a conversation with four veteran USS'ers. They congratulate him on joining the affiliation and buy him a drink. The new guy looks around and sees that there aren't any women in the place.

"Uh, so what do you guys do for, er, action around here?" the newbie asks.

"See that flock of sheep out back?" says one old-timer.

"You're kidding!" replies the aghast newbie.

"Nope," grins another grizzled starcaptain, "Oh, some guys like those robotic sheep, especially on long voyages. But they can't match the real thing." The others nod in agreement.

"But sheep?!!! I...I don't know," the newbie stammers.

"You can't be a real member of the USS, then." says the third old-timer in disgust. So the newbie heads out back, picks out a big ewe, and... commences.

Minutes later however, he's distracted from his extertions. He looks over to see the four veteran USS starcaptains in the doorway, nearly doubled over with laughter.

"I thought you said you did this with sheep!" the embarassed newbie cried.

"Oh yeah, we do!" the fourth USS old-timer roared, "But not with the ugly ones!"

I'm glad I don't come across those things too often. People would start to think this is a low-rent rag and ask for other disgusting things, like battle reports. Oh, I know Duckbutt put one in the issue he did, but I straightened him out when I got back to the office. I put him to work retyping Buffalo Bill's speeches (we don't throw anything away around here- except for our self-esteem, that is).

Rumor and Innuendo

by Kinki DeWins

* In case anyone forgot, the Fish are still coming. They're just taking the long way around.

* Rumors of an assassination attempt against the ReischKonig have proven to be unfounded, according to palace sources.

* Looks like Allipon is still going to move. No one knows exactly when.

* A well funded and well-organized anti-slavery group will begin operations within three months, according to sources.

* There are reports of  something catastrophic happening in the Nexus' Junta system, but no one is saying what it was.

* Galactix may become a Free System by year's end.

Time to call it a wrap, Kiddies. Perhaps in two months maybe the Ghods of Broomfield and Houston will have everything straightened out. Then again, I just might say adios and retire to my olive ranch (I raise 'em for the martini afficionados, y'know). Stop cheering back there! Just for that I will be back for Issue sixty-one. See you then!

Ads and Stuff

New for 2000!  The Jumbo-Size RPS (tm). Features a fully-adjustable entry portal, with backwash lockouts and  new rubberized VibraFoam tunnel resleevers. The size of the orfices can now be customized by the customer- all you need is a #2 Phillips screwdriver! Get yours today! -Hugh G. Rection, Manager, New Product Marketing, ROBOTIC PLEASURE SHEEP MFG. CO.

Colony Governors- Got colonists that want to emigrate? I have empty homes waiting. Looking for groups of 30,000 or more from one location. I supply the transport and negotiate with the destination. - Bill D. Katt, IND QE 37/ IND Love Boat 69

We Want You! We Really, Really Want You!  Due to a lack of qualified star captains, we are now accepting any captain with flight certifications as member traders. This now includes all alien races, plant, and sea lifeforms. We may be desperate enough to include small animals or nanites. Any and all interested parties reply at your local AFT recruitment center.

Out Transhole Way? Please be sure to visit IND Allipon (1399) in the Limond (94) system. My used ship market can't be beat. You want something? ASK! I have a fairly modest factory base, so I can produce most common items in a very short time. - Lord Justin Jacine, IND Allipon

New Free Port! IND Werth is the latest and greatest in free and open ports. Buy stuff. Sell stuff. Exchange prisoners. Shop 'till you drop. Party with the pirates! Werth is the playground of the rich and infamous. And never, ever a cover charge. And coming soon- a new Free Port in Galactix.

The MYR Want Your Business!! So we got screwed out of permanent mines. Myrrians are still building and selling Myrships (10-10-10) and Myrchant ships (1-30-2). Both these designs have the 100 mu/hull shift and are Nexus and Draconian Cluster friendly. We have added more ship building centres for your convenience. In addition to ships we also have licenses available, as well as other items for sale and barter. - Der Laul, for the MYR.

BSE Web Sites

The following are affiliation and special-interest sites for BSE. Additions and updates, e-mail [email protected]. Put it to Father Larry's attention (it gives him something to do).

FOE: http://www.slowmotiongames.com/bse/foe/index.htm

ZCS: http://members.aol.com/dsoccio/index.html

GTT: http://www.geocities.com/gtt_pd

BSE Fiction: http://www.fortunecity.net/tattooine/shirley/262

The Bone would like to thank the following:

Mystic Pizza II, North Stonington CT

Royal Diner, Groton CT

The Imperial Palace

The new BSE List (and almost all the Listers)

Bill Cody - for just being you

Jack and the rest at Slow Motion Games

Did I mention gallons of Diet Coke?

Those few real roleplayers left in BSE