All For Love

1. Sharon

I can't breathe. Oh, how I wish Dennis was here now. To save me, to hold me in his arms, to give me back the breath Johnny has stolen with his anger, his revealations. I thought I knew men like this - I thought I'd spent my life being raised by one of the most cold and calculating men in London. And yet, here, I wish for my Dad. Just for that one second, cos he'd ward Johnny off. Maybe that's why Johnny hates Dennis and me so much. Because even together, we're not our dad. And Johnny never got to bring him down; no that was left to three of the most pathetic women in the whole of Walford. 

And no-one can deny the flashes of Dad in Dennis; the charm, the nerve. And my darlin' has worn Johnny down so much - I'm frightened. I never thought I could be, but he's flipped; his hands tight around my throat, squeezing out my every breath, endangering my precious baby. Even as I screamed that I was pregnant, the madness in his eyes left me in no doubt that he didn't care, even if he did let me go, leaving me to choke and feel as though my neck was burnt. But there was breath in my body, my baby was safe.

But then, there is my darlin'. And Johnny is not about to let him be safe. I hear it, I fear it, I know it. Because Johnny stole away Andy Hunter. The one true friend Dennis wanted the chance to prove himself to. Johnny had killed him. I could believe most things of men like this, but Johnny Allen is... evil. I've seen him carrying around Nana Moon's shopping for God's sake... and then he's throwing men off flyovers for a laugh? Andy was a sorted bloke, he had kindness in his face, whatever he wanted you to think of him - just like Dennis. Andy could never have deserved to die and just the thought that Johnny's so set on destroying the happiness I have chased for so many tiring years, in destroying my lover, my husband, the father of my child.... 

My head buzzes, it aches. Dennis is so much. I have nothing without him. But...

"Your old man is gonna pay for this!"

And I know he means it. Because Dennis, stupid, stupid darlin' Dennis has been the one delighting in Johnny's downfall. And it's all because Johnny, like Dad, is so painfully incapable of loving his child. But unlike me, Ruby was the Princess that saw sense, found real love and walked away. And now, more than ever, I regret how long it took me to see sense and live my life with Dennis. Because for these few sickening moments, I have been forced to imagine my life without Dennis. And it's not a life, it's most miserable blackened existence imaginable.

"I want him out of my sight by New Year. Come midnight, you're gone, you understand?"

Johnny's tone is so savage, he doesn't need to voice the "or else." I knew it was there, I'm still shaking. I tried to say that Dennis would never run. My baby stands his ground. But Johnny dismissed me, said I should take the chance he was "offering". But there's no Nana Moon style kindness here anymore. He comes out with it, like I could ever mistake his threat when I am actually this terrified.

"...otherwise that kid grows up without a dad."

I shove him away, running from the club, unable to bear how cold this place feels now. This was mine. There were memories sure, love too, but the walls are trying to crush me, I feel it. I can't breathe, my chest is so tight and my legs are so weak beneath me. I want to go home. I want to see my darlin', I want to hold him, kiss him, feel his breath on my face. Just to know that he's still here, with me. This is all a hideous nightmare. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to wake up beside Dennis. I am. Any minute now...

2. 

The Square passes me by in a painful blur as I hurtle across to the flat. It takes me an age to find my keys in my bag. I'm shaking so much I can barely keep hold of them to force them in the lock. Stumbling inside, grateful of the unanticipated warmth that swarms me, I struggle to raise Dennis' name, as desperate as I am, because there is a huge, painful lump rising in my throat and choking me all over again.

"Dennis?" I manage at last, frightened to realise how obvious that every emotion sounds as I speak. "Darlin', you here?"

Please.... Please be here. I need you...

And to hear his voice drifting out over my desperation, I sag, almost sick with the sheer relief.

"In the shower!"

"Oh... right, OK, don't worry!" I yell back, smiling anxiously. He's really here. He's OK. He's safe. Still with me. At last, my stomach, writhing painfully around in its own knots can relax a little. 

"No, c'mon, you joining me or what?"

And in spite of everything, just for that second, I smirk. And that in itself is so much like Dennis. He's oblivious, so content - and I love him so much.

"Just... give me a second-"

I dare to enjoy being back in our home, surrounded by our things. I wander around the lounge and for the first, my smile is meant as my gaze falls upon our wedding portrait. Just like any other couple, it's pride of place in the room. Just like any married couple, we have our priorities. We put it next to the TV. Except, now it ain't just us caught in the frame. Because there's someone else in our marriage now. My hand flitters proudly to my stomach. When we brought back the scan picture from the hospital, Dennis couldn't help but slide it into the corner of the photo, making a point of it being the three of us now. Me, a smitten bride, Dennis, the father of my longed for child.

It was meant to be so perfect. So why does sadness creep so readily into the corners of my lips as I stare? Why am I so damn frightened? I thought, after Dad, after Chrissie, there couldn't be any kinda threat to my family. And now Johnny Allen...

Oh God, I hate so much that I've given in. That I stand here, weak enough to sob in terror. But I can't lose this, any of it. It's my life and I've waited so long. No-one can make me let go, for anything.

I almost scream as this shrill noise penetrates my misery. I whirl round so fast in accusation, I almost fall off balance. And I flush in embarrassment as I realise the intrusion is Dennis' mobile. I glance in the direction of the bathroom, biting anxiously into my lip as I count away the seconds, awaiting a reaction. But none comes and I guess that he just hasn't heard it above the thundering of the shower. But that's OK, because we trust each other right? With our lives.

With that thought, my hand is shaking so much that I almost knock the phone clear of the side. But somehow, I manage to cage my hand around it and read the screen, shuddering with urgency.

Calling...
Tony Mob

Tony... yeah, I remember meeting him, I think. Back in the early days. Had problems with his wife? Or at least, that's what they said...

"Hello?" I say, answering the call. "Dennis' phone."

But no such greeting comes back. It's more, hysteria. Crying, whimpering, wailing and sentences that never get past that first choking syllable. Sympathy burns before I even know whose calling. Because my guess is it isn't Tony himself. 

"They've killed him!" a woman screams, crying, so much, she's hoarse. "They've killed Tony! Dennis! Help us! They've killed him!"

Another wife so terrified as I am? Oh God, please, no!

"C-Calm down! Candice isn't it?" I ask, trying to think. "I'm Sharon, Dennis' wife. Breathe yeah? Nice and deep. Tell me what's happened..."

But she's not calm at all. She just screams again; "They've killed him!"

I turn desperately around and am greeted by the sight of Dennis, jeans and a rumpled top pulled on as he stands, towelling dry the back of his neck. He sighs dramatically.

"You're too late now darlin', you really should take it when it's-" But his smile falls away when he sees my panic. "Sharon, what's wrong?" 

"Candice..." I gabble, pressing the phone into his chest and turning back against the armrest of the sofa, propped up there as I bite into my thumb, needing to hear what's going on. Because I need to settle the mania whirring in my head. I'm scared. Really and truly. I might be many things, but I'm not naive and I am so past believing in coincidence. This... This has got Johnny's name all over it, I know it has. I feel so sick. He's trying to get to me and Dennis through Candice & Tony. This is my warning... and I've just handed it straight to Dennis.

I push myself forward a little and am about to start pleading for him to return the phone, regretting my instinct. As much as Dennis might care for these people, their problems are not ours. This has to be about just us.

Except I'm too damn late. Because he's pacing, facial muscles all contorting in confusion as he tries to make sense of Candice's panic, all fizzling away in his ear.

"Candice? Whoa, Candy... Candy, slow down... what the hell has happened? Darlin', will you just breathe?" Then he stops, rigid in the middle of the room as he listens, his eyes locking anxiously on mine. I have to throw back a look of concern, but really I'm biting into my lip to stop myself sobbing. "What? Why the hell would he-? Intensive Care? Shit! Candy, tell me honestly... has he... gone under again? I mean, you're alright for money yeah? You and the kids? Where are the kids?"

Oh my God, they've got kids! 

I hunch forward instinctively, needing to protect my own precious baby from this threat. Because I know now that it's most definitely there.

"OK, good... maybe they should stay with your mum yeah? Candy, calm down, you're not gonna be any use to anyone like this.... it's gonna be alright, yeah? I'll be with you in half an hour... yep, I'm getting on the Tube now... so have a cigarette, dry your eyes then... get back to Tony eh? He needs you babe. Yeah, alright... bye. Breathe Cand-" 

Just to see the amount of pain of his face as he hangs up... I hate myself. I hate that I couldn't stay away and simply hope that his feud with Johnny might die where it stood. I did this. I'm the reason Candice is keeping a bedside vigil...

"Dennis?" I coax gently, winding my arms around him as he stands there, stunned. "Baby, what is it?"

There are tears in his eyes. I can't bear it. I've heard Dot swear more often than I've seen Dennis cry. His voice is breaking with the emotion. With me, he can't even try and hide it and I am guilt-ridden.

"Tony's been... completely done in. Some heavies just barged in and half-killed him. Candice had to grab the kids and run to her mum's. She had to leave him there and they... Jesus Christ, they broke both his legs Sharon. He's actually in pieces. And she doesn't know why. If he... If he was in that much trouble... with anyone, why didn't he... call me?"

"Shhh!" I soothe shakily, nestling into the crook of his neck. "This isn't your fault."

It's mine. 

And as Dennis clings to me, I know I simply never want to let go, but in his naivety, my incredible husband is left with strength when I have none. He draws back and dares to smile, a weak offering I know he can never mean.

"I... I have to go..."

I want to protest, and I even have the words, if only I knew how to speak them. But how can I, without revealing the sickening truth and sending him charging straight into Johnny's threats? I'm not going to lose Dennis, not for anything, not ever.

"I'm coming with you." I tell him determinedly, slipping my fingers comfortingly through his tremoring hand, holding on through nothing more than the shattering guilt. He lets out the smallest sigh of defeat that I have ever known. Even now, he doesn't want to admit he might need me. He nods and moves off to slip into into trainers, that are, as ever, in a messy heap by the door. I pick up my bag from the sofa and turn round, ready to go, ready to protect my vulnerable husband with everything that's within me.

We don't speak as we walk, holding on to one another. And I'm grateful, cos with the force of this misery, I can feel my confessions pressing painfully against my restricting throat, ready to hurtle out and be known. And I'd sooner die than endanger Dennis in a way that would take him in the same way.

But as we move into the crowds spilling from the tube station, Dennis pulls forcefully away from my hand, rounding on me and pressing into my shoulders. "I'm gonna do this on my own." he tells me steadily, his eyes glazed in such a way that tells me, even though he's looking right at me, he doesn't see me.

I almost choke, terrified. "But... you're not on your own anymore, darlin'..."

He smiles so perfectly gently and I feel so guilty I could well be sick.

"I don't want you to see the state he's in, Sharon.... it ain't gonna do you any good-"

"I'm a big girl now Dennis."

"Alright-" And his hands slide flawlessly down my form and pressing softly into my stomach as the pads of his thumbs trace idle circles. "-so think of the baby..."

I whimper in protest. He knows damn well he's going at my Achilles heel there. "That's not fair... I... we should be there too."

"No." he replies, shaking his head so slightly. "I'll be fine."

"Will you call?"

"Course I will. And when I get back; me, you and Junior in here... we're going out. Gonna go hide in some other..." His eyes dart damningly around as he scrutinises our surroundings. "-less miserable corner of the world for a while yeah? Just us..."

My smile widen in spite of everything. "Like a proper little family eh?"

"Uh huh. And I promise... I'm gonna spoil you..." And I surrender to the insistence of his lips as they rest against mine, kissing me fiercely. Oh, I miss his kisses already and he's not even gone. I shouldn't let him go - anything could happen and I...

"I love you so much." I whisper, hoping he doesn't read my sincerity for the desperation it hides. I'm so scared. Oh God, why should I feel like this?

"Love you more." he returns teasingly, somehow gone from me before I can even think to hold on, plead with him to stay with me. I stagger back, my chest unbearably tight with the pressure of the next sob that I can at last cry seeing as Dennis is gone. But I swing round on my heel before I dare be so weak as to give in again. I take in nothing around me besides the rush of passing voices as I charge over to Scarlet, such determination roaring inside me, all I am aware of is the burning of unshed tears in my eyes, the erratic pounding of my own abused heart and the blood beating in my ears.

I almost stumble down the stairs into the club, falling awkwardly against the cold brick wall and tenderly rubbing my sore elbow as I straighten up. I can't believe how cold and small this place seems to be now it is not mine, now that such exposed evil is at the helm. This was mine, but it's just a shell now. Simply something else of mine Johnny Allen is determined to destroy.

Drumming my fingers into the cushion of my lip, I look around the darkened bar. But it's still. So, with one heaving breath of realisation, I know the only place it's worth going is through to the office. I flinch at the shadow stretching across the wall - one of Johnny's monkeys is positioned at the door. I'm frightened, my stomach writhing, but hell, this brainless bastard is never going to know that. I, and my husband are so much above this kind of world.

So I defiantly lift my chin and keep moving forward. He snarls at me, his fat lip curling over and blocks my way.

"Get out of my way." I snap, swinging my hair over my shoulder as I glare up at him.

"I don't know what you're doing down here missus, but Mr. Allen isn't to be disturbed..."

I laugh scornfully out the side of my mouth, pitying how long it must have taken this pathetic excuse of a human being to learn how to reel that off from memory. "Well, I'm Dennis Rickman's missus, so why don't you be a good boy and check that again eh?"

He can't even manage to shrug his shoulders in dismissal and that just makes me flip in anger. "Oh, get out of my bloody way!" I yell, driving my whole weight past him. His first instinct is to get away from me, which means I'm pushing against the office door before he remembers he's meant to be stopping me going in here. 

But his huge arms come around me and he tries to drag me from the office, so I keep screaming.

"Get your hands off me!"

"Mr. Allen isn't to be disturbed lady! I told you once..."

"Roger..." comes a stern voice that makes me go cold and seems to terrify the monkey too as he immediately steps back from me. The office chair swings round and there's Johnny, sat back like some perverse spectator, enjoying the show. "...what have I told you about man-handling the clientele, especially the ladies? The pregnant ladies..."

"Sorry boss." Roger mumbles, like some scorned schoolboy before he backs out, drawing the door shut.

Left alone, Johnny seems bright. Too bright.

"Sharon! What can I do for you?"

"It was you, wasn't it?" I hiss in disgust, but he has the nerve to look confused, hunching his shoulders in doubt. "Was what me?"

"You think you're such a big man don't you hmmm? But it's animals like that-" I fling my arm out in accusation towards the doorway, beside which I am in no doubt Roger is back guarding. "-that do the real work isn't it Johnny? All you've gotta do is call and they'll rough up whoever you like. Juley, Peggy, Tony..."

"Tony?" He purses his lips in thought but I know he's just mocking me.

"You've had a man half-killed because... why? Because he knows Dennis? What kind of reason is that?"

"Reason enough."

"He's his best friend!"

"No, no, no!" Johnny raises his palms as he looks down at his desk, chuckling. "Tony was just a little warning to you and that kid of yours. Just to let you know that I don't make empty threats. The clock's ticking on Dennis-" He glances casually at his Rolex watch and I begin to convulse. "And my boys were on the instruction of merely hospitalising poor Tony. I took care of Dennis' best friend myself, as you well know..."

"You're sick."

He nods. "That's right Sharon." he says calmly as he pushes himself up. "I am. Sick of men like your Dennis thinking they're above me, thinking they can destroy me. Because no-one is going to bring Johnny Allen down without a fight. And your husband... he wanted a fight Sharon."

"No. We don't. I don't."

"It's too late. You have til the end of the year or..." He slides his fingertip tauntingly across his throat.

"Don't you know any other way? Johnny please, I'll do anything."

He seems amused by my desperation. "You know, that's what was always so nice about you Sharon. I know you would. God, I hate nice people." He folds his arms across his chest and leans back, perching against the edge of his desk. "But still, if you mean it when you say anything, then I suppose it'd be rude of me not to reconsider, wouldn't it?"

I daren't say anything, move or even breathe, even though I want to shudder in repulsion as I feel his presence at my side, can practically taste his rancid breath as he whispers in my ear, letting it go all across the side of my face.

"I'm sure we'd be able to come to some sort of arrangement..."

3. Dennis

I carelessly push my way through the crowds spilling down the staircases from the platform into the tube station, my hand still curled around my phone, even as it lies motionless in my pocket. I'm still shivering, but it's not the cold, even if it is late December. It was seeing Tony is such a state; bloody, still, drugged up to the eyeballs for the pain, and Candice seeming as though she was never gonna stop crying. 

It made me wanna run away and hide, and I never thought I could be so pathetic. Except it ain't pathetic. It's the fact I know I have Sharon to turn and run to, that in some strange way we keep each other strong. I phoned her when I left the hospital, didn't say much besides asking her to meet me from the tube. Because more than ever, I need to hold her, to tell her I love her. It's not gonna wait. I realised this afternoon just how damned lucky I am at last. Sharon and our baby, they're everything I need. We're safe now. From everything that Tony just hasn't escaped. And I'm not ever gonna abandon my mates, but, I've seen today everything I would have been risking if I hadn't walked away. And I'll always be there to help Tony, I will, but bloody hell, I'll never go back!

Craning my stiff neck slowly across the crowds, I catch sight of Sharon, stretching up in the same sort of motion from her own tiny stature. She falls back on her heel as I move forward and she sees me. And I get this tightening in my chest that's screaming out how much I've missed her. And she looks just as relieved to see me as I am to see her, bouncing off the last step and deliberately rushing through these barriers of people. We kinda collide with each other, reaching and holding one another so tight, I don't think we're breathing. But that's OK. Because she's right here.

"Oh God, I've missed you..." I murmur into her sweet smelling hair, loving the feel of her nestling into my frame. In every way, we fit.

"I missed you too." she mumbles, before straightening up with a reluctance I share. I don't want to let the warmth of her body leave mine. I want to hold her forever. We're safe in each other's arms, nowhere else.

Even though I feel how bitterly cold her hand is against my face, just to know her touch...

"Oh... Dennis, are you alright? H-How's Tony?"

"Mangled." I tell her honestly, covering her hand with mine and drawing it away from my face, instead kissing her fingertips, before I lock mine through. Sharon winces, but I know she'd be much more pained if I lied to her. I ain't never gonna do that again.

"And... C-Candice?"

I sigh. "Took me an hour to convince her to go home, get in the shower, get a change of clothes... luckily Tone didn't go anywhere in the meantime. He'll be OK though won't he?"

"Yeah darlin'. Yeah, he will. He's like you ain't he? Strong... he'll be fine."

I step back, frozen in sheer awe of her. I let my gaze travel down her body, from face to floor, amazed by every detail as I clutch fiercely at her hands. I speak honestly. "You look beautiful, you know that?"

And I love all the more that she looks down, colour in her face. So fuckin' bashful, she doesn't believe me. "Shut up."

I just smile, reaching down to tilt her chin and force her to look me in the eye as I speak, shaking my head so slightly. "No. Cos I mean it. You're beautiful and I love you so much..."

Then I realise. She's shaking and there are tears sparkling on her face. She's crying.

"Hey!" I soothe, wiping them tenderly away with the pad of my thumb. "Don't cry, that's supposed to be a good thing, I swear."

She laughs, a true whisper of a laugh. "I know. And I love you too. More than anyone in this whole world..."

"Well, not quite..." I tease, letting my gaze drop tellingly to her stomach as I lovingly press my hand beneath her top, caressing her warm skin. Her hand follows mine, happily holding me in place. "You two been OK without me?"

"We're never gonna be OK without you darlin', isn't that the point?"

"Sharon, you're scaring me..."

She softens a little, but I'm certain that the sigh that comes is one of terror, not defeat. Was she really frightened for me, so desperate to come with me and support me, even though she's in tears without having seen Tony or Candice. She sniffs back the fresh wave and shakes her head apologetically, her hair tumbling down as her tear-stained gaze levels with mine.

"Oh I'm sorry... it's just... we missed you so much."

The way she's talking, it's unnerving me. She's talking as though I went away to war for ten years or something. Maybe that's what she was expecting; the bastard thugs that did this to Tony waiting outside the hospital room to finish him off. Maybe she thought they were gonna have a go at me an' all.

"Hey, shhh!" I say, trying to soothe such thoughts away as I wind her tight into my arms. "I'm back now... never thought I'd be so glad to be home."

And it's true. Somehow, this miserable little Square has had some sort of cosmic makeover while I've been gone and it looks inviting. And with Sharon here too, I'm pretty much assured that I belong here.

"Then let's stay at home." Sharon advises softly as she pulls a little way back from me. "Just us... like you said."

I'm so sorely tempted. But I remember my promise from earlier and I intend to honour it. "Nah. I said I was gonna spoil you both and I'm gonna, it's the least you deserve."

"Me?" she raises doubtfully, pursing those perfectly glossy lips. "It's me who should be looking after you."

"Yeah right, cos I'm three months pregnant aren't I?"

"Hey..." she shoots back defensively as we walk from the station and into the freezing Square. "...this baby doesn't change who I am y'know. I'm still me, I'm still your wife, aren't I?"

"Yeah... my pregnant wife. And I wanna look after you both..."

"But we can't do the same for you?"

"No." I tease, pressing into her shoulder as I round on her to make her stand still, allowing me the opportunity to bruise her mouth. "Not til June or July... or whenever the little guy wants to say hi..."

"Little guy? I've told you Dennis, she's a girl..."

"Hmmm, we'll see about that one darlin'..."

4. Sharon

But light-hearted arguments about whether our baby is a boy or a girl are forgotten - we're soon cuddled up in a booth in a hidden corner of the Argee Bhajee, kissing over the candlelight. Dennis tried to tell me we should have gone up town, but I argued that he'd wanted to stay at home. The truth was, I didn't want to let him out my sight and in the Square at least, I'd always have some idea of where he might be. Because, even if I can't bear to admit it, I know that we're in danger. I walked away. I walked away from Johnny Allen in disgust. I still feel sick now. So sick. But I can't let it show.

Dennis' life... my child's future for one filthy little fumble with his would-be murderer. And fear may be twisting my insides over themselves, but my husband is sat right beside me, his hand wound around mine, breath in his body, love in his eyes. He's alive.

"We've done alright, haven't we darlin'?" I say softly, dutifully sipping at my tall glass of water. Dennis still isn't used to the idea that I'm pregnant, almost asked for the wine list before I promptly pressed my hand to my stomach and shot him a look.

"Alright?" he muses with a laugh. "We've done more than alright Sharon, look at three of us, livin' it up in one of the finest establishments in the East End..."

I giggle in spite of myself as he looks doubtfully around.

"Next time, we're going all out - no arguments."

"Oh yeah right, me going Up West all fat and-"

"Oi!" he scolds, scooting even closer and kissing me. "You are never going to be fat... you're just going to be a bit more pregnant, that's all. And you're gonna look totally gorgeous..."

"Yeah well, do anything for you, wouldn't I? Including spend God knows how many hours in childbirth..."

"Hey... are you scared?"

I roll my eyes, feeling he threat of tears sway my voice for an entirely different reason. "I'm scared of everything."

"But you don't need to be!" he assures me, giving me a piercing look with those beautiful eyes before I flop miserably against his shoulder, just letting him hold me, savouring our closeness. "However long it takes darlin', I'm gonna be right there, for every single second."

I try and kid myself I'm still talking about the terror of childbirth as I say; "But... you can't take the pain away, you can't do anything if I get this wrong..." I know I'm not talking about babies anymore. I'm talking about the crushing possibility that Dennis might not even be here to see me through childbirth.

He looks pained, apparantly thinking about the hours of my pain he'll be able to do nothing about. He just repeats, quieter this time and with a lot less conviction; "I'll be right there. Baby, don't look at me like that, where else am I gonna be huh?"

"I don't know." I confess weakly. "I don't know..."

"You know I love you don't you?"

A pain shoots up from the base of my neck as I nod steadily, hating that the lump swelling painfully in my throat is stopping me returning the words. If I tried, I know I'd choke.

"And that you and the baby.... you're everything..."

I hate it. How can he dare to love me so much? Doesn't he know the danger I represent, how hateful I truly am?

"Don't say that." I plead.

"Sharon, what's wrong?"

I can't even have one evening with my husband, even as we hid away here. Dennis hasn't seen them yet, an extension on my warning I expect. They've been leant against the bar, standing oh-so-subtlely in my eyeline since they arrived. I tried to ignore them, behave normally, sip water as we waited for our order, stealing kisses from my husband, but I can't. 

Because I know them, can't take my eyes from them, stood tall in sharp suits like respectable men rather than the thugs and sinner they are. Why... Why does one such sickening proposition have to taint my life like this? We haven't hurt anyone have we? We're just... another married couple, trying to build a life together with our child. But my darlin' is in danger, because... because I refused Johnny Allen with one look of the most intense disgust and went straight to Dennis' arms. And Johnny just can't bear that others around him might truly be happy when it's not even within him to love his daughter. 

That's why Dennis & me took such pity on Ruby. Because we know what it's like to suffer a father that doesn't care for your happiness, only the control he can have over you. I honestly thought that by now Dennis and me were free of such restraints but they're still here, watching me from the bar, knowing that it's Dennis that sits caressing my hand, such terrified concern holding his face. We're supposed to be through with lies, but to tell him the truth, oh God, what will I have done to him then? I just can't risk him seeing them there.

But I am physically betrayed and oh, how I despise my own weaknesses, how well I have dared to let Dennis know me. My grip on his hand becomes painfully tight as he shifts, turning around the edge of the booth and looking the way my gaze has become so frozen.

"No, Dennis, don't-" I'm by now drilling my nails so hard into his hand, I think I could draw blood, but I'm still too late - he's seen them. And they've seen him. I wait for a scene, an explosion, but they don't move, looking away and turning casually back to their pints. My stomach writhes with nausea.

"Allen's." he seethes, glancing at me. "F**king scum, the lot of 'em. Y'know, I bet it was them that did Tony over. Probably checking up on me, just so they can go and tell the big man that I'm in pieces an' all. First of their kicks is seeing a grown man cry. Jesus... I could kill 'em, the lot of 'em!"

I hate how an icy cold sweeps through all my tense body. 

Dennis recognises that too as it shows on my anxious face. His lips curve reluctantly into an apologetic smile, but he simply says; "Once bitten, twice shy..."

"No! Dennis, please... leave them alone-"

"What, like they did with Tony & Candice? Look at 'em, Sharon, brainless bastards are smug as anything, it was them - and they bloody well know I know it!"

"So?" I challenge desperately, realising how cold I'm going to sound. I don't like it. It's not that I don't care about what's happened to Tony and Candice, the guilt is going to make me care for as long as I live, but this... this is what desperation does to you. "This isn't about them! It's about us! Here, now... me, you and our baby. And the three of us, we have to be above this, or nothing's ever gonna change. Baby, I'm begging you, don't make us live in that kind of fear cos I can't do it. I want us to be happy, not looking over our shoulders..."

I can read in his face the effect my words are having on him. He closes his eyes, wincing regretfully as he bows his head and murmurs; "I'm sorry." 

"Oh darlin', no. That's not what I want. I don't want you to be sorry. I just want you to know we're better than that. I want you to promise me that it's just the three of us. We've had enough of a fight on our hands getting this far haven't we? We don't need to take on anyone else's."

And his smile is true as I press it against my stomach. His thumb moves gently up in a stroking motion. "Don't be like your Dad kid... listen to your mum eh?"

His hand moves up and rests against my warm cheek, drawing me against his lips and bruising my mouth. It means everything to answer him, sliding my arms around his neck and kissing him harder, biting teasingly into his lip as I toy with the curls in the nape of his neck.

But then there's this shrill noise that makes me jump, about half a second before we've even realised it is in fact, the ringing of Dennis' phone. He groans in displeasure against my lips, loathe to abandon my kiss. Means a lot to be wanted, but I know we have to give up, for now at least.

"It's OK." I whisper encouragingly as he shifts onto his hip and withdraws his phone from his pocket. His face drains of colour as he looks at the display. "Candice?"

"Mmm."

"Answer her baby, c'mon..."

He nods slightly, nervously licking his cracked lips before he stabs at the keypad and lifts the phone to his ear. "Babe? What? Candy, love, I can barely hear you... what's happened?" 

I hunch anxiously forward, but Dennis shakes his head, he can't make out a word. He pushes himself up and edges out the booth. 

"Look, my signal's practically gone... I'm going outside alright, then you'll have to start over..."

Tense, I watch him pass the lot at the bar. They straighten in interest and I can but imagine the darkness in Dennis' face. But nothing happens. He keeps walking and I dare to relax. But I can't take my eyes from the sickening group. The one in the middle is also on the phone, and the tall, bald one on the edge is looking right at me. I feel ill, he's reading me, he's working me and I don't know why. I just know something bad's about to happen and I'm gonna be the last person that knows what. Unable to take it, I grab my bag and head for the door, needing to be beside my darlin', to know he's OK.

But before I've even moved a step away from the booth, the one in the middle has hung up and is whispering to the one on the edge. And suddenly, five pairs if stony, unfeeling eyes are upon me, five cruel smiles reserved for me. The one on the edge raises his drained pint glass in my direction, taunting me in one repulsive toast. Then they head, like a pack towards the door, and I know. In one sickening jolt of my stomach, making my legs go weak in fear, I know exactly what's going to happen. And I can't let it.

I race over, bile rising in my throat as all these terrifying thoughts whir. They make no sense, they hurt and yet still my throat is dry and tight with the realisation of my fate.

"Sharon Rickman isn't it?" the tall one asks. Everything about him repulses me and I haven't even got the strength to nod, feeling sicker and sicker as the other four begin to laugh, a cold taunt held in their tones.

These are Johnny Allen's men. I know it and worse, Dennis knows it. And I know now that they are going for my husband on the instruction of this one monster, because I so thoughtlessly refused his dirty request. I thought self-respect could see me through, but what good is self-respect to anyone if it's thanks to these five men that I raise my child a widow?

"Tell him I'll do it. Leave my husband alone... go back to your boss and tell him... I'll do what he asked."

5.

I'm filth. The sordid plans have been made. And I stand, in front of the full-length mirror in the bedroom; the bedroom I share with my soulmate, the bedroom where our first child is going to sleep in its cot, and I'm staring piteously at my falsified reflection, trying to find just one aspect of it I can appreciate. But there's nothing. How can there be when every powdered coat upon my face is there to conceal a whore. 

Dennis, my darlin' Dennis lived in a fear he could never be more than Jack Dalton's killer. And yet, Dennis is my world, the father of the child I so desperately want to see him hold and adore. That's why I'm doing this. My knees are weak and I just want to collapse in the warmth, the safety of our bed and cry til I lose consciousness. But I can't. This is why I'm knowingly tainting the perfection of being his wife.

My tears are falling faster than I can even attempt to apply my makeup, great black rivers staining my caked face. And I'm praying for the forgiveness of those at all sides.

"You'll forgive Mummy won't you baby?" I whisper desperately to my stomach. "She's doing this for you. You and your daddy, you deserve each other. I can't let anyone take him away from us."

And that is the sole reason my legs have not yet given way beneath me. Because I'd do anything to protect my love. Even this.

I'm heading for Scarlet. And it's there that Johnny wants us to- Oh, I know he hates me, really hates me, but at least this... atrocity isn't going to survive in anyone's bed. I was so afraid he'd demand to come here because he knows that, for Dennis' sake... he'd have left me with no choice. I'd have had to agreed. My bed, my beautiful bed, holding safe the memories of all the times Dennis and I have made love together. There, each and every time was meaning. But this... this is hollow. It means nothing but the chance for this baby to one day ask Daddy for a cuddle and know he or she will never be refused. That's everything to me it is.

But still, I just can't keep the nausea down. This time, it's not an ill-feeling. It's too intense to remain so concealed. It is an actual physical state and I find myself hurtling to the bathroom, throwing myself down against the bowl of the toilet and being violently sick.

And I haven't even left the house yet.

I'm almost sent reeling once again as there comes an anxious rapping on the door. I'm frightened, even by such a timid sound.

"Sharon? Honey, are you OK?"

Oh God. I thought he was still immersed in the football, he wasn't supposed to hear me, not like this....

Sluggishly, I pull myself up, leaning heavily against the sink as I pull back the door of the medicine cabinet and begin to reapply my faithful mask of make-up, somehow hiding every treacherous tear with a shaky hand.

"Sharon!"

"I'm fine darlin', it's fine..." I insist, my voice a little too high and forced to be convincing, but then I am slightly preoccupied with scubbing at my teeth and tongue with my toothbrush, hoping to remove some of the vile taste with the minty froth. But as I spit it down the sink... it's scarlet. My gums are bleeding.

I give my needy mouth one last swill, my stomach simultaneously tight with guilt and nerves as I am well aware Dennis hasn't moved an inch from the other side of the bathroom door.

"See?" I say, smiling bravely as I'm drawn into his beautiful eyes, shimmering with the kind of concern only a lover could know. "I'm fine."

"You... You sounded like you were being sick..."

"Well, I am three months pregnant Dennis." I tell him simply, hating that my tone makes him out to be an idiot when he's anything but. Oh God, if he knew the real reason... no. No, he never will.

"Yeah, I know..." he murmurs gently, splaying my fingers and caressing my wedding ring affectionately before locking our hands together. "...but maybe you should call Jane eh? Cry off... let me look after you for once..."

Oh, the idea is so... tender and perfect, I want to throw my arms around him and beg him never to let me go, or give up loving me like he does right at this moment. But I can't. Because if I dare, he won't be here for me to beg at all. And I just cannot risk that. I need and love him way too much.

"No. No, I'll be fine, honestly."

Dennis bows his head, gazing down at my stomach as he presses his hand gently into it. "I just about trust Jane. Just make sure they take care of you both yeah? Cos you and this one in here... are the most important things in the world to me..."

"So what about the football?"

"Agh-" he winces, the smallest of smiles taking his lips as he presses them momentarily to mine (and God, he tastes so sweet. I just don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of it!) "-we're three-nil down, we're not going anywhere, whereas us three-"

"I love you baby." I blurt suddenly.

"Where'd that come from eh?"

"I just... needed you to know it, that's all."

"Yeah?" he questions softly, kissing me again. "So you wanna know something too?"

"Mmmm..."

"You look fuckin' beautiful."

No! He's complementing the mask of a traitor, the costume of a whore. Why can't he see the truth? Why does he to crucify me like this in his innocence?

"No I don't..."

"Yes, you do. Now shut up, cos you're out-numbered. Our son has spoken-" And he pointedly presses a little harder into my stomach as she guides me towards the door.

"Daughter..."

"Son!"

"Daughter!"

"Go already!" Dennis chuckles, leaning against the door, adorning with one last soul-destroying kiss. It's never going to feel the same again, I just know it. "Have fun darlin'..."

Fun. Oh if only. Stumbling over to Scarlet, the winds around this hideous little Square are stabbing at me like a million deserving little knives. And to walk into the club, knowing it was once mine, looking round and seeing everything I have known here, I'm suffocating. My chest is caving in, I can't breathe and I want to turn around and run home. But I keep moving down into the cramped and smoky bar because I know, if I run now, I'm never going to have a home again.

"Sharon!"

Hearing Johnny call me so brightly from one end of the bar, where he's... serving - oh God, he's been waiting for me - I bite deep into my lip, feeling the taste of blood rise in my mouth. Despite the stifling temperature in here, a chill rockets down my spine and I instinctively pull my jacket tighter around myself, wanting to hide myself from this sordid suggestion, to just pretend it'll go away.

"Come on through!" he calls, jerking his thumb towards the door that opens out on the corridor to the office. I bolt down there before he has even left the bar, without really knowing why, perhaps I want this all to just be over. The sooner it's done, the sooner I can begin to kid myself I've forgotten about it and refocus my attentions on my precious family.

The door's not locked and I slide in. And I'm almost thrown backwards by the power of every memory that surrounds me. Because this room hasn't changed at all. This is still the room Dennis and I would creep to all the time we were hiding our relationship from Zoe. We'd steal the most passionate of kisses here, we'd lie in each other's arms on the sofa, sometimes not even needing to speak. Or we'd... make love on the desk. The amount of times I mislaid the order forms. And you could say it was all tacky and cheap. But I'd say to you that there's no way there'd be such a painful lump rising in my throat if it were not love. It is. It's the love of my whole shattered life. There is nothing else that would bring me back here without my lover, nothing else that would see me forsake the every beautiful memory we built here together.

I almost fall off balance as the door clicks shut behind me. There's Johnny, stood tall and looking so repulsive and smug, I could hit him.

"Drink?"

I scowl.

"Oh sorry... I forgot. Baby. Everything alright there?"

"Don't you dare talk about my baby. Don't even think about it. We both know that's not what I'm here for."

His smirk flickers proudly. "No, of course it's not. But I have to say Sharon, I really didn't expect you to show. I thought you might want to see out the rest of your days with Dennis with a little bit of... dignity!"

"Shut up!" I scream. "You know damn well if I hadn't agreed to this then Dennis would already be dead. Your fucking monkeys woulda killed him last night! So let's just get this over with, c'mon!"

His lips straighten and he shrugs nonchalantly, mumbling; "What the lady wants-"

"I don't want any of this! All I want is to keep my family together. So you can have my last shreds of dignity Johnny, you can get yourself a cheap thrill, but you will never touch my family!"

But that doesn't mean he won't touch me. Because we both know he has to. His rough hands feel like a disease against my skin. He shoves me hard against the wall, but I hold in my whimper of pain. He'll never hear it, I'll never let him feed me off like this. I hear him wrench at his fly and turn my head away in disgust. It's like... hearing someone loading the barrel of a gun, just to know they're going to raise to my head. But even that... it's a better fate than this.

It's agonising as he enters me. I don't want this. I want to go home. But it's too late. I'm that whore now, with this animal's rancid breath warming my neck as burning tears gush from my sorry eyes. And in my shattered mind; I'm repeating the same vows, the same promises, over and over, just waiting for it all to be done.

I'm so sorry darlin'.

Forgive me.

I love you.

I'll never stop loving you.

6. Dennis

Oh God, that was painful. Three-nil. Three-nil? Never, ever played that bad in their whole existence. What the hell was wrong with the bastards? I need a drink, or better still a hug, or I might just have to punch the wall and then burst into tears. Except, as I look at the clock, I realise Sharon's been gone little more than five minutes, and I seriously miss her. I wish she hadn't gone. I'm pretty sure we coulda had ourselves a better time. I'm cruel, I know, but I can't help but hope she'll get bored and come home to me - after all, it's no fun being the only sober one when everyone around you gets rat-arsed.

Sighing, I go and grab a very large drink from the fridge and sink in defeat back against the sofa. But I don't even like the taste of the pure liquid against my tongue anymore - I'm just too damn gutted.

Relief floods through me as my phone burst into life on the arm-rest. I don't give much thought to the idea that it might be Candice calling because I need too much for it to be Sharon.

Except, as I lift it up to look at the display, I don't recognise the number. I figure I may as well answer anyway, it's not like I have anything better to do and I might have fun hurling abuse at some double-glazing salesman working over-time. Where do those kind of people find your number anyway?

"Yep?"

"Uh... Dennis?"

At least, I think that's what she says. It's manic, all I can hear above the tone of whoever this woman is; cos I'm pretty sure I don't recognise her is... God knows what. It sounds like she's in the middle of a rave or something - music pounding, people laughing and demanding drinks. For a moment, my stomach lurches in fear and I'm being tormented by images of Sharon, passed out or in agony in the middle of some club. She promised me she'd take it easy! Oh God, what if she's in hospital? I pull myself up in a panic, ready to race wherever I have to make sure she and the baby are OK. If anything's happened to either of them, I will never...

"What is it?"

"Look, sorry to disturb you-" she yells down the line, apparantly having no other way to make herself heard over her background noise. "-it's Amy."

Who?

"I work in Scarlet, and well... I'm snowed under here and one of the barrels has just gone. I wouldn't ask but... I can't leave the bar and you used to work here didn't you? I mean, you ran... Angie's Den wasn't it? With your wife?"

God, I have Johnny Allen's entire workforce going on in my ear. Wanting my help. Bet that'd make the boss man delirious wouldn't it? And it's all cos she can't risk breaking a nail changing the barrel. I want to roll my eyes but am stopped as I realise the whole reason Sharon ever put me on the books at Angie's Den when I first rolled up was so that she could save her nails.

"Yeah..." I say dryly. "What's your point?"

"Oh c'mon Dennis, I'm asking for your help! I just thought... no-one else is gonna know how this place works better than you... except maybe Sharon and I can hardly ask a pregnant woman in four inch heels to toddle off down to the stock room can I? Please? I'll line you up some drinks."

"Well, well, we are looking to make ourselves popular with the boss aren't we?"

"Believe me, I'd make him do it if I thought he would-"

"Ah, no. Johnny's not interested in good turns love. Look, I'll be right over OK?"

"Oh, you're a star! Thank you!"

And I hang up, trying to tell myself that I'm only going over there cos I have nothing better to do. I mean, that is true, but really, I just want to be seen, for him to know my presence and at the same time be assured how much I hate him. I just don't understand what his issue is with Tony. Candice has absolutely no idea about anything bless her, and Tony's gonna be in fit state to start spilling the truth for a long while. Poor bastard.

I walk straight out the door, pushing my keys into my pocket as I go. I stand stock-still for a moment as I move out onto the Square. I used to hate this place, for all the pain it caused my family again and again and then, the way everyone, everything seemed so desperate to keep Sharon and me apart. And now, I can stand here, savouring the look of the place, the dirtied breeze upon my face. Because, for the first time in my life, it's all OK. I'm finally someone. Just like everyone else - a normal guy. 

I walk steadily over to the club. I don't appreciate the look of it so much anymore. It's like Allen's stolen all of Sharon's hard work, slapped a new name on the front and called it all his own. But even the workforce ain't his own. They're all Sharon's hand-me-downs, which is how I have no problem getting past Sonny on the door. I bound down the stairs and catch sight of who must be Amy, a whole crowd's worth of orders going right over her head she is so flustered as she tries to keep up. I push my way through, ignoring every single dirty look that comes my way.

"Amy!" I call loudly.

She looks as though she flinches in fright, but then she looks up, sees me and smiles gratefully. "Oh Dennis, thank God!" And she happily steps out the way so I can get to work and get rid of the empty barrel. The crowd reluctantly disperses as I straighten up with it. But they don't give up yelling orders at the poor cow.

"Five minutes!" I yell to them, intentionally bashing the loudest and rudest of the bastards as I make my way past. He don't look too happy about it, but I think he knows he don't want me dropping this on him.

I move down towards the stock room, with the intention of taking a new one and leaving the empty one standing in its place. Someone else can get rid of that. I only said I'd change the barrel - I don't work here anymore. But as I force the door with my shoulder, it doesn't budge. The bastard's locked. Where's the sense in that on a night as busy as this for fuck's sake? Cursing under my breath, I leave the empty barrel against the wall and race back up into the bar.

"Where is it then?" Amy asks, eyeing my empty hands.

"Give us a chance! How are you expecting me to get hold of anything when the bloody stock-room's locked?"

"Oh God, it's not is it?"

"A key would help Amy!" I tell her flatly.

"Well, I can't get it can I, I'd have a mutiny on my hands!"

"Alright fine!" I say, raising my hands in defeat as she looks pointedly to the demanding crowd. "So tell me where it is, and I'll go grab it!"

"Office. Desk. Third drawer down..."

"Great. Thanks." I turn away, but a thought strikes me and I go back, questioning; "The boss at home?"

She shrugs. "Not as far as I know. He said he had business to take care of, but- I only clocked on a minute ago, I haven't checked. No, cos that bloody Vinny just pisses off shift without changing the bloody barrel!"

I leave her to it. I know what women get like when they're off on a rant. So I go down to the office. There's no-one stood outside playing at being his Rotweiller, so I guess it's situation vacant. Shame really.

I push cautiously down on the door handle. Not locked. Good. So I just go straight in.

I wish I hadn't. Because there's no way to comprehend the sight that greets me. All at once, there's so many emotions... I can feel nothing. All I know is that Johnny Allen has definitely finished his "business" for tonight. Because he's not even interested, irritated by my presence. He's too busy doing up his fly. 

And Sharon's too busy pushing down her skirt....

"What the fuck is going on?"

7.

Sharon looks utterly terrified. And rightly so I guess. Would have been the last thing she wanted to have her husband walk in on such a sordid little scene as this. I know the truth of it is obvious, but I just can't bring myself to register it, to accept it as the truth. Why... Why would she be here? With him? Like this? I don't understand, but then, I don't think I'd ever want to. Cos me, I'm sick. With anger, with disbelief, with fear.

"Dennis!" Johnny says brightly, lifting his eyes from the occupation of his gaping fly, so evidently fuckin' thrilled to see me here. "I don't remember asking you in. This is [i]my[/i] office now!"

"Yeah?" I blast furiously, shoving past him and dragging a whimpering Sharon up from the sofa. "And this is my [b]wife[/b], so I'd say we're quits now wouldn't you?"

He shrugs, and I have to look away, feeling the every emotion swell painfully in my chest. I'm going to kill him. I know it.

But Sharon can't even hold her own weight. Maybe she's just as sickened as I am, sickened at herself, at what she's done. Because when I ask her to spell this mess out to me, I know, I just know, she's not gonna be able to deny it. She sags against me, and somehow, my first instinct is to move away, but of course, I'm there, I keep her on her feet, my hand still around her wrist, tighter and tighter as my frustration builds.

"What are you [i]doing[/i] here?" I whisper, just wishing I had the energy to shout and curse at the top of my lungs. This is worse. Even to my ears, I sound like I'm pleading with her.

She forces her eyes shut for a moment as she gasps on a reluctant breath. "It's... not what it looks like..."

I laugh bitterly right in her face, flinging her away. "Maybe it's [i]exactly[/i] what it looks like!"

I can't even stand to look at her, turn around and leave. I can't stand this tiny, stifling, filfthy space. I need to get out, my head needs to stop throbbing so fuckin' much - I need air. I storm back into the bar, Amy calling; "Well, where is it then?" I don't stop. "Dennis?"

"Not my problem darlin'!" I return, my throat dry and tight with just the effort of speaking. I want to crawl away and die.

But, instead, it's all I can do to keep walking. And suddenly, every inch of this Square looks as miserable and cruel as it ever has. Someone, somewhere... oh God, they must [b]really[/b] hate me.

"[b]Dennis![/b]"

I close my eyes painfully, needing to block her out. I walk faster, needing more than I can possibly understand to escape her. The one person I really thought I coulda stuck by our whole lives. Us. Together... me and Sharon. I really believed she was pure. Got a past sure, but so's everyone. To me, she was perfect and now she's... oh God, I don't know what she's done.

But I can still hear her behind me, as much as I wish I couldn't. Her heels, slamming again and again against the drenched, pot-holed roads. She's chasing after me, and what for? To make her excuse, to pretend she can make this better in a few hollow words? I want to pretend I'm OK, but I'm in pieces without even allowing myself to recognise the whole truth. I mean, I know it, it's making these thousands of hot tears pour down my face, but I can't ever let it sink in or...

"Dennis, [i]please[/i]!"

My train of thought is shattered as she slams into me. I feel her and throw her off immediately, whirling around in accusation, repulsion alive in my entire body.

"Get [b]off[/b] me!" I holler.

"[b]Please![/b] Just let me [i]explain[/i]!"

"You reckon you can do ya? Well save it Sharon, I ain't interested in anything you've got to say alright? It's all filthy lies! [i]You're[/i] contaminated and I [b]don't[/b] want you anywhere near me!"

 She sniffs back her tears and I turn my back and keep on going, with absolutely no idea where it is I'm actually heading. Anywhere she isn't. Anywhere I won't have to think about... anything... [i]ever.[/i] But still she follows.

"Tough!" she declares coldly. "I need you to hear me out alright? I need you to let me explain..."

I slow up, staggered, and she stands shivering in front of me. I look her up and down in disgust, taking in everything. Her messed hair, her make-up ruined by tears, her rumpled clothes. And I feel like the world's biggest, most pathetic fool. Because I told her she looked beautiful earlier. I really believed it. Everything about her was taking my breath away. And now I know, feel sick at realising that it was all for Johnny.

"What's there to explain?" I hiss coldly. "I've been here before haven't I?"

"No..." she gulps miserably, shaking her head furiously. "...this isn't like that..."

"Isn't it? Well, it looks that way to me. You're just like her, you're just like Zoe. I never thought you could be but... you are. You're just another cheap little slut that's so [i]desperate[/i]-"

"No! Zoe did that to trap you! That's not what I'm trying to do-"

I laugh coldly. My God, I just caught her fresh from fucking another man and... she's [i]already[/i] pregnant. "Well, that much is obvious..."

"This is different darlin', we're... we're [i]married[/i]!"

Again, I laugh, looking piteously down on the band on my finger. "Yeah. And why'd we bother eh? I waited [i]years[/i] for you Sharon... to marry you and for [b]what[/b]? For you to go and knock off the local two-bit gangster four months in?"

Her wide eyes brim with tears. "No. [b]No[/b]."

"Then [i]what[/i]?" I demand angrily.

But she looks guiltily down, begins playing with her hands, twisting her wedding ring along her finger. She should pull it off and throw it away. It's not like it means anything anymore. Maybe it never did. "I'm not... I'm not trying to do what Zoe did, never! You've seen our baby darlin', you know it's [i]there[/i]!"

It's like she's kicking me, over and over in the stomach. It feels like she hates me. She's made me doubt everything I was so certain I knew to believe in. [i]Everything.[/i]

"But is it [i]mine[/i]?" I spit. "Or have you really had Johnny and God know who else on the go for so many months that you're not sure anymore?"

I feel it before I really know what's happened. This force against the side of my face, immediately red and stinging. And as I look at her, I see the flash of anger in her eyes, knowing that mine is a million times strong. She's ruined us. The one thing that ever meant anything to me. She's ruined it and I hate her. And when you hate someone this intensely, the only thing to do is let 'em know it. You have to, or else it's only gonna eat away inside of you, and maybe I just have nothing left.

She screams in pain as I strike her face, not even thinking. It was just a reaction, I needed to cause her pain. But as she straightens up, nursing her smarting cheek, hot tears soothing it as they pour from her frightened eyes, I realise, with a shudder of repulsion what it is I've done. I swore to her, after that one mad time, that I would never, ever consciously raise my hand to her. But that was when I thought I knew her. Now I don't. And I'm so disgusted at both myself and her, I can barely speak; my shattered voice nothing but a bereft whisper as she stares at me, stunned and shaking.

"Look what you made me do..."

8. Sharon

Even as the tears fall, as my cheek stings, as I can't believe what Dennis just did, I know that I have no choice but to accept it. He looks... appalled and I just don't know whether it's at himself, or at me. Because I deserve it, whatever his promises, whatever his guilt... it's my fault. But if he'd just let me tell him the truth...

He turns and goes. He can't stay, he can't keep looking at me. I disgust him. And I disgust myself. He said I was contaminated. And he's right. My flesh is crawling with guilt and the filth of this betrayal. I can't stop shivering, convulsing even. I feel like I'm gonna be sick. But it's all I can do to race after him. Whatever I've done, he has to know my reasons. He has to know I can't lose him.

And I know that that was all Johnny Allen ever wanted. He wants us to feel loss, he wanted me to be the one to hurt my beautiful darlin' in the worst possible way. But he has to realise why. I'd rather hurt him twice over than know it was my fault he... oh God, I can't even think it. But as I stood there, feeling dirty and cruel, Johnny just pulled at his clothing, smoothing out imaginary creases as he smirked towards the floor. So pleased at having damaged my marriage, maybe even beyond repair. And it was my choice to let him do it.

I just keep going, my muscles creaking and aching as I race across the Square, never losing sight of Dennis who's just... so desperate to get away from me.

"Dennis, please!"

"Leave me alone Sharon!"

"We have to talk! You know we do!"

He swings around of his heel, his eyes alive with the shimmer of accusation, his lips twisted in mocking. "Do we? Really? See... I reckon a picture paints a thousand words - that's how it goes innit? And you and Allen, you made it a bloody ugly picture, cheers darlin'."

He spits the last word out venemously and I flinch, so sickeningly sure he's never gonna say it, never gonna mean it with the same affection again.

Dennis rams his key in the lock of the front door and storms through without slamming it shut. He throws it back and I have to fight my way past before it slams shut. I have to keep chasing him, I have to keep fighting - I have to make him see.

"Dennis!" I repeat for what feels like the thousandth time, my throat raw with the pain and effort of even raising his name. "Darlin', please-"

"Don't!" he yells. "Don't you dare call me "darlin'" like I mean anything to you! You threw me away the second you walked into that club and gave out to Johnny pissin' Allen!"

"It wasn't like that!" I protest desperately, my tears taking me over in hot, treacherous waves that make me shudder. "What do I have to get you to let me explain? Beg?"

His eyes snap coldly to my face, every muscle in his face unmoved as he glares at me. "I dunno. Did you beg for 'im?"

I scowl. "Don't be so disgusting!"

"Disgusting?" he challenges. "I tell you what's disgusting. Walking into that office and finding him all over my wife. And d'you know what I was doing there? I was changing a barrel for Allen's barmaid; turns out she ain't just like you because she don't wanna split a nail or summat. She's like you cos she's probably sleeping with 'im an' all!"

"I'm not sleeping with him!"

"Oh no? So what were you doing then? Balancing the books? Him with his fly open and you with your skirt up God knows where?"

"It was just once..."

Dennis spits out a scornful laugh that makes me cold. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"No. No of course not. But if you'll just tell me how I can do that... I swear to you, I will. I'll do anything."

He lifts his chin defiantly as he forces in his next breath, a coldness in his eyes that says he's never likely to believe my sincerities again.

"Then stop crying." he snarls. "Now."

Shamefully, I bow my head and wipe at my streaming eyes, my fingertips blackened by my ruined make-up. Sniffling and painfully gulping down my next rising sob, I kid myself that I'm strong enough to meet his eye again.

"And tell me why. Tell me why you've done this to us."

I almost laugh, a strangled effort it hurts to hear. I wish I knew where to start. It's all I can manage to whimper; "I did it for you..."

"Me? You... cheat on me... you betray me - and I'm supposed to be grateful? What the hell are you on Sharon?"

"You don't understand!"

"Then make me understand, c'mon!"

And he comes towards me, his hands against my shoulders, trying to shake an answer out of me. My tears return in a frightened burst. He doesn't chastise for that, because I can see in my regretful blur that his face is glistening with his own tears. I've devestated him.

"Do you know what you've done? Do you? You've torn my fuckin' heart out. I was supposed to know you Sharon... it was supposed to be you and me... forever."

And that word, delivered amongst his pain, it's enough to make me wish I didn't exist I hate myself so damn much.

"But I don't know you do I? Cos my wife... she'd never be as devious and cheap as this! You've made me doubt everything and you... us... it's the one thing I've always believed in and you've destroyed it. You've destroyed it all!"

"No!" I sob, my chest so tight and painful. "I haven't... I can't have!"

"You have! I thought we were solid. No secrets, no lies, not after everything. But tonight... you smashed everything to pieces."

"No!"

"Yes! You think... we can be OK after this, that we can be anything? You make me sick - I can't even stand to look at you! I mean, Johnny Allen, Sharon - Johnny fuckin' Allen, why did it have to be him? Anyone but him! I thought, if anything, I married a woman with class. But you're just another whore!" He leans right in my face, sneering; "Johnny Allen's whore."

It's an instinct to shove him away. And I shouldn't, I should keep it in, but he's winding me up because he doesn't know...

I scream it. I have to. He has to know the truth.

"I've just saved your life!"

9. Dennis

"What?"

And that's all I can say. That's all Sharon's reduced me to as she stands there, shaking like she might be sick. But I can't care, not anymore. Because this hurts too much, every damn thing about it and then... she goes and screams that. What else am I supposed to say? It's not like it's gonna lep out and make sense for me.

She coughs miserably, like she's used all her energy in this one revealation. Or maybe that's not what it is. maybe it's a cover-up. Maybe she's by now this desperate to get out of this.

And though I told her to stop, as she gasps in a painfully sharp sounding breath, her face is still stained with tears, more brimming so readily in her eyes.

"Johnny was gonna have you killed!"

I scoff, dismissing her perhaps a little too quickly. "Oh, do me a favour!"

"I just did!" she cries out, doubling over with her tears. "And if I hadn't, you'd have been dead by New Year, he woulda made sure of it! Do you think I could stand that? Do you really think I could live with that?"

I turn away, muttering; "If you can live with this..."

"I love you! And when I said "for as long as we both shall live!" or whatever the hell it was, I was kinda hoping we'd at least get to six months!"

I roll my eyes. "Being a bit optimistic there aren't you love?"

She shoots me a dangerous, almost accusing look and I get this stirring inside that wants to know where the hell she got her nerve from.

"I'd do anything for you! This was Johnny's price and I paid it so don't you ever..." She narrows her now cold-seeming eyes, like she's trying to work me out or something. "What's the matter with you? I mean... for God's sake - do you think I enjoyed it?"

I stop dead, a cold shiver pulsing painfully up my rigid spine. "Since you're asking-" I hiss. "-yeah, I do! I mean, all the time I was with Zoe... that's where we'd go wasn't it? I stopped counting the number of times we've done it in that office when we got into triple figures... must have been just like old times for you, refreshed your memory a fair bit, I reckon!"

My words have cut right at her, it's easy to see that as she blanches at her quivering lip. "You wanna know what it was like?" she challenges viciously, flinging her hair back from her face. "You really wanna know?" And she pauses, just for one cold moment. "It was like being raped. I didn't want him... I didn't want him anywhere near me, let alone... touching me! And you're right! I'm contaminated. By him... my flesh is fuckin' crawling with it. I feel like I'm never gonna be clean again! But it... it doesn't matter. Because even though you hate me... it means you're alive. That's all that matters."

"To you maybe..."

"Please Dennis.... darlin', you don't know how sorry I am."

"That's cos you're not. You've just saved my life... that's what you're saying i'n't it?"

Sharon gulps down her next sob. "And that... I swear to you... that was the only reason- God, just the thought of you-"

"I don't wanna hear you were thinking of me! Not when Allen's-"

"Don't!" she advises anxiously, shaking her head sadly. "You just need to know that I did it because I couldn't lose you."

I laugh. I can't help it. Does she really believe in all this shit she's coming out, thinking I'll buy it, thinking it's gonna make this whole agony any better?

"What makes you think you haven't lost me?" I demand bitterly. And she flinches. I reckon she can see the threat of it in my face.

"Because I... Because I can't! I just can't!"

"Then maybe you shoulda thought about that!"

"Do you think I've stopped?"

I shrug. "Well yeah, I suppose you must have. I'm interested now; c'mon, how long did he last?"

She looks away in disgust, fresh tears sliding on her face as they slide down. She sniffles, determined not to answer me.

 "I'm not gonna let him do this to us. He wants to take everything from me. I let him steal away my last shreds of dignity Dennis, just to keep you! I let him violate me so I could still be your wife and not your fucking widow. He's not stealing you too!"

"Are you even hearing yourself?" I thunder. "What the hell do you want, Sharon - gratitude? Well, you ain't gonna fuckin' get it! And d'you wanna know why? Cos I'd rather be dead than spend every night of the rest of my life too scared to close my eyes in case I see... that. You and him. You should have just let him come after me!" 

10. Sharon

I reel back, feeling sickened just to hear the words, to see in his face that he so definitely means it. My next sob swells so readily in my raw throat, I can barely breathe as I look at him. But he can't maintain the eye contact, his lips thin, his face ashen. He turns on his heel and walks steadily away from me. And I can read in the tension of his back that's all he needs to do. He doesn't need me.

But still, I'm praying in my shattered heart that all these words; they're coming out in anger, in pain I knowingly caused him. I know it all, and I'll regret it til my dying day, but that's the whole damn point! It's not supposed to be for another forty-odd years for either of us. For God's sake, we have a child to raise. he can't have forgotten that, and I'll never believe he's given up caring. Not for his baby.

I find him, sat on the sofa, hunched forward, his head in his hands. And as he hears my hesitant footsteps behind him, I see how he tenses. it's like he's angry with me. He probably is. I see there's no way he could want me here... so close when I have made myself so filthy. He lifts his head without turning to look at me, just sighing, like he's disappointed to realise I'm still here.

"You... You don't mean that. I know you don't."

He turns in a whirl, rumpling the throw on the sofa. But it's not that that takes my attention. It's the way his facial muscles are scrunched in such horrified disbelief.

"Do ya? Well, good for you darlin' yeah, cos me? I don't know anything anymore."

And he pushes against his knees to pull himself to his feet, pacing anxiously, like some caged animal as he tries to find something in the tiny room to focus on.

I fight for all my strength to move forward, to say the words that are lodged painfully in my throat.

"You can say what you like about me. Hate me, curse me..."

"I do. Oh God, I do."

I freeze, closing my eyes tight shut to force away the words. But they're not leaving, hovering viciously in the cool air around me.

"...and if you don't... can't love me anymore then... then I know it's because I deserve it."

"Oh, so we are singing from the same hymn sheet then? I was really beginning to wonder..."

I raise my shaking palms, drenched with sweat, needing to hold of the venom of his words. I'll take them for all he intends, just... not now. He has to let me get these words out before they choke me.

"Just shut up, Dennis. Shut up and just for a second and think about the baby..."

Cautiously, full of the fear that he's going to rightfully lash out and strike me again, I step up behind him, reaching around his rigid form for his hand. He does flinch in repulsion and that in itself hurts, but... what else is there to expect after what I've done? he just lets me pull him round to face me, looking me critically up and down?

"The baby?" he echoes viciously.

He's making me begin to tremor with nerves and I never thought I'd ever again find myself frightened of my lover. But I like I said, I deserve it. I deserve it all. So I take a deep, steadying breath and nod, casting my eyes down. And I'm so surprised to feel his hands, warm and gentle against my stomach that I begin to shake all the more.

"My baby." he murmurs passionately. "Inside you... like Johnny Allen was inside you!"

I shudder but reach down, laying my hands over his, unable to lose the feel of his touch now. "No! Dennis, please! The baby... it's one thing that can never change! It's in here and it's ours! Mine and yours... and I know whatever you think of me, you could never walk away from this baby. You made it, and whatever you say now, I know you want this baby as much as me!"

He holds on, spluttering on a sob that I think was supposed to be passed off as laughter. I almost relax. And then...

"My baby! Trapped between you and Johnny Allen as he's... as you're letting him! How... How could you do that to our baby Sharon? What kind of mother are you?"

The tears scorch my face as they pour down. He's breaking my heart... stamping all over the shattered pieces.

"The kind of mother that won't let her child grow up without a father. The baby'll forgive me..."

"Oh you reckon do ya?" 

I nod certainly. "As soon as they understand what a perfect dad you are. As soon as they know what it means to have you hold them... just.... being there! I couldn't jeopardise that darlin', you must know I couldn't. It's all I've wanted to see you, you and your... your son... your daughter! You deserve this baby..."

"It's more than you do..."

As I speak next, I lie. But I have nothing left. "You can't hurt me like this anymore Dennis alright, it's not gonna work! Your child's gonna love you as much as I do... you don't have to believe me, but... when I see the love in your eyes, I'll know I did the right thing; even if you can never bring yourself to look at me again. Because I know that you and the baby, you're gonna be everything to each other and that's why I did this!"

He just glares at me, unmoved, his once beautiful eyes stony and unregistering. So I throw myself at his mercy, realising that through all this, he hasn't wrenched his hand back from my stomach, somehow with the animation remaining inside him to idly caress my stomach. He's mumbling and I can feel that he's incoherently whispering promises to save his child from within the evils of its own mother.

He really does hate me. But... But...

"Let me say one last thing to you darlin' please. Then you can... shout and scream... tell... tell me we're over... just- think about for my point of view? If I'd really done what you've said I should... if I'd really just stood back and let time go by, knowing that for every day I was losing you, that Johnny Allen was gonna have you murdered... your baby would still have been growin' inside me. And I... I woulda buried you... had to do all this on my own, raising them. And I would have been just as guilty as I am now. Because one day, this baby woulda been a little boy or girl, wanting to know where Daddy was, why'd you'd never taken then to the park or read them a bed-time story? And how can I ever have looked our child in the eye and told them what had happened to you? How could I have told them that you'd never come home, knowing that I coulda stopped it? That is what I could never have lived with! So please, will you at least try to understand why I did this? As far as me and this baby were concerned, there was no alternative."

11. Dennis

I despise the sheer brutality of her words. With every one of them, she's trying to hammer home a point I just can't hear. Because it all comes back to the one despicable thing for me. She slept with Johnny Allen. There's nothing else can get past that. Guilt's a second-hand emotion anyway - don't I know that? You only feel it because you know you've done something you shouldn', but that's the whole point. You feel it afterwards, which means you still did it, whether it was leaving a bullet in someone's face or letting them... letting them...

Just the thought of it, never mind the image; one so repulsive I know it is gonna haunt me forever, it makes me want to be sick. Never... Never did I think I could miss Jack's absent face, the glimmer of all that blood. Right up until this night, I could still wake up terrified at realising it was no dream, no nightmare, that I really did do that. But recently, it's mattered less. Because I've woken up and Sharon's been there beside me, loving me in spite of it all. I really, truly believed that. But now I know I'm nothing but a fool - and I hate her for doing that to me.

So I turn on her, unable to ward the scowl from my lips. My stomach churns with nausea just to look at her, a face I once thought so flawlessly beautiful stained with regretful tears like that's supposed to make it any easier for me to forgive.

"He still touched you." I hiss viciously, pacing around her, almost gratified to see the way her sobs make her shake so miserably as she stands there, hunched like a naughty school girl. I can't help but look her up and down again. Why is her skirt so short... was she trying to entice him? Where did he touch? How? Maybe I've been doing something wrong all this time... "Go and clean Allen's filth from your body. See if you can ever get it off!"

She shoves past me, apparantly desperate to take up the invitation as she races, sobbing even harder, towards the bathroom. I slam hard up against the wall, resenting her for being able to slam the bathroom door after herself and maybe vent some of her anger, her disgust when I cannot. What the hell is there for me to do? As ever, there remains just one answer - drink. 

A lot.

So I storm out to the kitchen, crashing around in the fridge and emerging with a very large and thankfully very full bottle of vodka. I wrench to cap off and begin knocking it back without even bothering to consider a glass. What the bloody hell's the point?

I pause purposely outside the bathroom, just listening. I can hear the water of the shower thundering down and I can hear wincing, over and over. Sharon's undoubtedly burning all traces of that animal from her. She's crying. I know it. I learnt long ago to recognise the smallest signs. And I can just imagine her, stood stiff beneath the scalding spray, biting into her lip to keep back the sobs that will explode anyway. And I find with a flare of anger that I resent that too. Hidden away in here, she can cry. And I just know I'm never gonna get that same release. Cos this ain't what I'm supposed to do is it? So let her keep on crying, let it keep on tearing her open and maybe it'll hurt enough for the both of us!

Taking another very large and downright foul tasting swig of the stuff, straight from the bottle, I go back into the lounge, collapsing miserably back against the sofa. But as I dare to lift my head, buzzing with the effect of such quantities of cheap vodka, I realise there's only one thing looking back at me. All the unshed tears back my eyes itch as I swallow my next sob down uncomfortably and drag myself back to my feet, moving shakily across and tweezing the small card from the photo frame.

Then the bottle, God, it weighs down my hand like it's a gun. I place it heavily on the side, happily obscuring my wedding photo. Why do I have to see lies everywhere I look? I believed in all this. And this... shadowy figure lain out on a black background, it's the sole reason why. I'd like to think it's the vodka racing round my system that means my hand shakes so much. But I know I'm just kidding myself.

This isn't just a picture. It's a life... a life I helped create. And I thought I had reason, I really thought it meant something. Pure, just like I always thought Sharon was. There was no other way I could have learned to love her as much as I do. And why? What's it all about when I couldn't even save my baby from such degradation? What Sharon does is Sharon's choice... but the baby had no damn choice at all. They went where she went. To Allen.

And I can't pretend anymore. I'm crying. Truly, desperately crying, with no way or the strength to hold the bastard tears back.

I wipe my eyes furiously by instinct, but still I'm whimpering. "I'm sorry mate. Your dad's so fuckin' sorry. I- I didn't know, but... I never meant to let you down like this... I swear-"

I can't bear to hold it anymore, to look at the image. Because it just reminds me of how excited I was to pick out all the features for the first time, so fuckin' sure that everything in my life at last felt right. I didn't think I deserved it. Cos I know I don't deserve this. I just wanted to love them both. That was all I've ever wanted.

And now... it's gone.

I swipe up the bottle again and head towards the bedroom, sinking with a massive sigh onto the bed. I guess everything's gonna come back to the thought of sex now isn't it? And how there's never gonna be anything in it that actually means something ever again. Not after this. I close my eyes and I drink, barely pausing to breathe. I see no point. In fact, I can see nothing, only hear the continual pelt of the water falling from the shower-head. It's like my soundtrack, and it stops so abruptly, I jolt, spluttering on my latest mouthful of vodka.

I reluctantly straighten my back, leaving the bottle stood at the foot of the bed. And I wait, just looking expectantly into the hall. The bathroom door creaks and I can almost taste the heat that escapes the place. Still I wait. And then, Sharon creeps guiltily by, gasping in fright as she sees me there, sat so still it hurts. She falls back on her heel, even though it's obvious in her face she wants to keep on going. But the thing is, we both know she's got to come in here.

She just stares anxiously at the vodka bottle, her gaze questioning me as it dares to travel back up to my face. I shrug, dismissing her without words.

And there she stands, shivering in front of me, dripping wet and covered only by the thin sheet of her silky dressing gown. I press my hands around her waist. She flinches, and this reaction alone is enough to make me smile.

I move slowly down over her hips and back up again. I pull in an admiring breath as I look her in the eye, my hands moving around and drawing her that tiniest bit closer thanks to the sash.

It just comes out. I fact, the words are out before they register. But I sound so calm and decided, I know that it is definitely what I want.

"I want to see you."

Sharon just looks down, terrified at the sight of my hand pulling tight on the sash, confused and understanding all at once. "Wh-What?"

"I want to see what this has turned you into. I want to see what he's done to you."

Her eyes are spilling over with tears of resignation immediately. She just stares at the ceiling, blinking every tear furiously back. She's not even questioning me. She's actually going to let me do it.

And now, that just ain't enough. I pull back, letting the sash feed through my fist and rest against her as it should.

"You do it." I demand coldly, just not caring. It's her fault I'm all out of emotion to bestow. "You show me."

"Dennis, please, I'm begging you... don't make me-"

"I ain't interested in begging. I'm interested in the truth. I deserve to be shown the truth."

But she just stands there and cries. So I push myself up, stroking hair back from her drenched face. She stiffens at my touch, recognising a false sense of security when she sees one. 

"What's the matter darlin'?" I say softly against her ear, the every falsified word making me feel all the more sickened. "You've never hidden from me before have you eh? What is it, you ashamed?"

"Of course I'm ashamed!" she wails, her voice shattering as the sob that's been choking her for God knows how long breaks free. "I can't... please don't make me..."

And I'm thinking just one thing. Over and over. Why couldn't she have just said that to Johnny Allen?

"If you ever loved me..."

"You're... You're talking like I've stopped. And I'm never going to stop; can't you see that's why I did this! I'm never going to stop!"

"So prove it. Prove yourself to me."

She's sobbing uncontrollably by now but I... just can't bring myself to care. There's only thing I want to see. Her shivering hands fumble awkwardly with the sash, but somehow, she manages to loosen it, crying harder. She takes to re-examining the ceiling as she shrugs the dressing gown from her shoulders and the whole thing falls in a defeated heap on the floor. She's trying to block it out and damn her, I won't let her. Not when I'm in this much pain.

Although, I have to admit, her own looks like it might well be considerable. Because it's not just water trickling from her body. It's blood. There are tiny little wounds all over her body. And they're new, because they're still weeping. Every inch of her looks scorched and she has scrubbed and scoured at her body til she's bled. And I... I'm glad.

"I.... thought you were so beautiful." I whisper honestly. "And I... woulda gone on thinking it if only you hadn't-"

But I just can't carry on, forcing back the freshest wave of tears and forcing in a deep breath I don't want to breathe.

"So this is it then? This is what Johnny Allen's done to my wife."

I take her by the shoulders and she almost screams with the pain as my fingertips press carelessly into dozens of her wounds. But she can read my face an eagerness to know her pain as mine swells, so she bites it back.

And I'm not having that. I want to know her pain. I want to know that for some reason, any damn reason, she hurts as much as I do right now. So I move all around the weeping cuts, pressing them, my eyes automatically locking on hers to feed off her reaction. And still she resists me. So I press harder. And harder. Again. And again. Until... she screams, in agony... pleading with me.

"Stop it! Please, it hurts... it hurts so much!"

"Yeah?" I spit. "Well good! Because you... you've ripped me in half and this is what it feels like! What it feels like to be me!" 

She cries out, spluttering her worthless apologies byt I don't care to hear them, shoving her blindly away. And as the man that never wanted to misplace a hair on her head, I'm not ashamed to say I just don't care as I hear her crash to the floor, howling as she scrabbles for the dressing gown. As I look at her, all I know is, I'll never understand her again.

"Just get dressed."

12. Sharon

I wish I could remember how. He turns and goes without so much as a backward glance and it's all I can do to cry. And I hate that. I hate it, because he told me to stop and I just can't. Everything hurts, every part of me stings and I... I feel broken. Exposed and violated. I feel like a victim, I truly do, and I never thought that could ever happen at Dennis' hands, no matter what I learnt about him. Even when he told me what he did to Jack, even when he punched me in The Vic, I was never his victim, ever. Because his anger, it had never truly been directed at me. I'd always just gotten in the way. I want to pretend that, with this, he might just wanna hurt Johnny, hate him. But I see it, I see it so painfully clear from my shattered baby's view-point. How can he not hate me just as much? Whatever my reasons, I still... sold the intimacy between us.

And I know, I know if I'd stood to lose Dennis in this kind of way; if I'd found him wearing the ring I'd put on his finger while he... and some brainless, evil bimbo... I know I'd want to tear him open. Because I could never understand, when he had sworn so many times how much he loved me, how he could do that to me. I understand it all, I do. And that's why I'm curled up so pathetically here, my bare and bloody body covered by the thin sheet of my dressing gown, trying to cover myself as I shoke myself raw with these thousands of pouring, burning tears.

But what can I do? Sit here, sobbing myself into oblivion while Dennis is out there, no doubt drinking himself stupid and with it, slipping further and further away. So I force myself to stem the tears and drag myself to my feet, wincing as the air licks at my every cut. It's with shaking hands I dress myself. And it makes me cry again just to look through my clothes. Every other garment, there's something Dennis bought, something Dennis enjoyed, something Dennis has told me I looked beautiful in. And none of it, none of it is going to happen again.

I pull a thick black fitted jumper over my head, wanting to hide every inch of myself away. I don't think I'll ever wear a skirt again, dive straight on a pair of black trousers before jamming my feet into my four inch Stilettoes - and yet I've never felt any smaller in my whole damn life, sniffling and edging guiltily into the lounge with my head bowed. There's a coldness about the place that makes me certain Dennis is here, I don't even need to look up to be sure. I can feel his anger, his disappointment, his pain. It's all here and it's all because of me.

"What... What have I got to do Dennis? What do I have to do to bring you back?"

He scoffs, laughing bitterly, not even lifting his head to recognise my presence as I edge around the sofa and stand in front of him. "What d'you mean "back"? I ain't dead am I?"

I gasp painfully, his words sticking in my raw throat, no doubt exactly as he planned.

"And I've got you to thank for that, haven't I, darlin'? Cos you really would do anything for me right?"

"Anything!"

He bites into his lip as he takes in my response, nodding solemnly. "Except tell me the fuckin' [b]truth[/b]!"

His hands are roughly around my jaw and he tilts my chin, forcing my gaze to his own as he watches my tears pour down.

"Please..." I plead weakly. "...baby, don't... don't-"

"No." he says coldly, pushing me back a little. "Cos there's nothing you can do anymore Sharon. You've already lost me, and that's it. Everything... [i]Everything[/i] is gone."

"No! That's not true! Dennis, whatever happens, we've got the baby!"

"Yeah, but it hasn't got us, has it? Cos when you thought you were saving us tonight, you were actually destroying us... destroying [i]me[/i]. So I'm gone. Right after I've had it out with a mutual friend of ours eh?"

My blood runs cold. Cos I can read the absolute deadly seriousness in his eyes. "No! Dennis, please, not Johnny! Stay [b]away[/b] from him!"

Accusation flares in his face. "Oh, so you're protecting him now?"

"I'm trying to protect [b]you[/b]! Why can't you see that, you stupid, [i]stupid[/i] man? He threatened me Dennis, alright? Put his hands around my throat... he threatened me. He threatened you and with that, he threatened your baby! He meant it Dennis... I was almost blacking out and I knew he meant it. He was gonna steal you away from your own baby, from [i]me[/i]. I [b]hate[/b] the bastard!"

"Yeah?" he hisses. "You've got a bloody funny way of showing it!"

"Yes, I know! So why can't you... take it out on me instead? Why can't [i]that[/i] just be enough?"

He narrows his eyes, looking at me like I'm crazy. "Why should you take all that? Whatever I think of you, and believe me, that ain't much right now; it ain't just you is it? He made this happen to us... cos you say he left you with no choice right? He forced it on you. He forced [i]himself[/i] on you. And I'm gonna kill him for that. I'm gonna tear the lowlife scum into pieces!"

"Course you are Dennis! And what if he gets in there first eh? He knows we're here darlin', tearing strips out of each other because you hate me and I love you! If you don't... then he's gonna know you're coming and you'll be dead long before New Year - and I'm still never gonna be [i]clean[/i] again!"

"Oh what?" he thunders. "So you want me to stay away to make Allen worth your while?"

"I want you to stay away so I don't have to [i]bury[/i] you, you selfish bastard! You [i]can't[/i] leave me with that guilt on top of everything else Dennis... you can't. I... We [i]need[/i] you!"

"Yeah? Well, maybe this is what [b]I[/b] need."

And that's it. He shoves past me, heading straight for the door.

"Dennis, [b]no[/b]!"

I race after him, not knowing whether the door closes or not. I don't care. I just keep going, knowing that I just can't let him out of my sight.

"Go [b]home[/b] Sharon!"

"What, not knowing if I'll ever see you alive again?"

"I don't see what that matters to you anymore."

"I [b]love[/b] you!" I scream, choking on my pulsing tears. "I'm carrying your child for God's sake!"

And for some reason, it's that that makes him slow up, rounding on me and scrutinising me with a cold amazement in his narrow eyes. "Yeah. Yeah you are. And right up until the second I saw you in that fuckin' club tonight, I really thought that meant something to you, something special."

"It does... oh God, it means [i]everything[/i]."

He smiles weakly and I almost convulse because I just know he doesn't mean it. "Yeah? Then you best thank the poor little bastard, because they're the only thing that's stopped me [i]really[/i] hurting you. You, Sharon! And I [b]never[/b] wanted to hurt you... this is what you've made me into..."

And he keeps walking, ignoring me beside him for an agonising minute, the Square just a flurry around us - the club getting closer and closer...

Then, suddenly, with the most sickening lurch of my stomach, I realise it's stood in front of us, taunting us. There's a madness in Dennis' eyes that says he's definitely taking up the invitation it throws out. And I'll do anything to keep him from going in there. 

"Do it." I say bravely. He looks at me like I'm even more ludicrous. "I mean it. Hit me... punch me, whatever - it doesn't matter anymore. Do anything you want - just stay away from Johnny!"

"You're unbelievable." he sneers. "You fuckin' selfish [b]bitch[/b]! You know I could... You know I [i]would[/i].... if it weren't for the baby! But you don't even care about that do you?"

"What? Of course I do!"

"Then how come you're giving me the go-ahead?"

"Because you won't get near Johnny, Dennis. He's watching us, and you'll pay if you so much as try. I know it, you know it. And I [i]can't[/i] let our child grow up without you!"

"So what?" he demands viciously. "I kill 'im, I kill you, I kill [i]it[/i]? Nah. This ain't the kid's fault. You might well have been waiting for the chance to tell me what a lousy husband I've been to you Sharon, but I ain't never giving my kid the chance to say Daddy failed 'em. Cos I ain't gonna. Now get out my way..."

13. Dennis

There ain't much Sharon can do to keep me back, and I find myself surrounded by the walls of the club, twice as stifling as it seemed to be when I left it. But I suppose then I was dazed, reeling. Now I'm just damn angry, and that's a definite emotion that can't be kept back. I look around the writhing crowd, trying to figure out the quickest way to get through them all and down to the office without being noticed. But as I crane my neck, Amy rushes to the nearest end of the bar, having caught sight of me.

"Dennis!"

Reluctantly, I abandon my occupation and shove my way roughly through the crowd surrounding the bar, suddenly feeling a need to talk to her. I lean against the bar, smiling weakly as I lace my hands together on the top.

"Alright?"

"Well... that's what I was about to ask you. I couldn't help but hear... earlier... and your wife... she seemed really upset..."

I force away her words. "Did you get the barrel changed? Sorry, I didn't mean to run out on you like that, it was just-"

"Dennis?" she presses, raising an eyebrow as she recognises I'm skirting. "Sharon? Is she alright?"

I spit out a bitter laugh, lifting my head to look Amy in the eye and just come straight out with it. "Did Johnny ask you to get me here earlier, Amy?"

She blinks. "What? No! What are you talking about?" 

I bow my head again, staring at the bartop and somehow finding it hard to believe her. But then, I know at the same time that she's telling the truth - and that in itself bloody hurts. How can I, as just one guy, be so damn unlucky as to be in the place at the time?

"I caught your boss shagging my wife." I tell her bluntly, and she flinches.

"What? Johnny... Johnny & Sharon? No, I don't believe it! She wouldn't."

"Well, she did. Suppose I should think myself lucky she chased after me right? But... I only went down there for a bloody key and I... I just wanna kill him Amy."

And I hate that sympathy sweeps over her face as my voice sways with the threat of tears. Just what I need - pity. I wipe at my eyes furiously, forcing in a deep breath. "Is he still in the office?"

She nods dumbly. "Well I didn't even know he was here in the first place did I? I just suppose he must be."

"Right..."

As I straighten up, she lurches to grab my hand - to stop me going and stirring up trouble I guess. "Dennis-"

I turn back and speak gently, pleading with her almost as I squeeze her hand back, almost by instinct, just grateful for someone's touch.

"I'm asking nicely, Amy. Just let me go and... stay away from the office yeah?"

She sighs, defeated as she draws back, releasing my hand. "Alright." she agrees, raising her palms. "I never saw ya..."

And she moves away and goes to serve at the other end of the bar. I turn to my side and find Sharon stood beside me, her breathing rapid and her face flushed like it's taken all her remaining energy to fight through these crowds and find me before it's too late. Her eyes are alive with fright and the way they're darting, she's questioning me without words.

"Save it." I sneer, pushing my way through and crashing through the door to the corridor. 

I can hear the frantic clicking of Sharon's heels on the sticky floor as still she tails me. "Dennis! For God's sake, just think what you're doing will you? Think what he can do to you! This is why we're in this fuckin' mess.... you have to leave well alone or... darlin', please!"

Through her desperate pleading, I don't think she realises she's followed me right into the office. They say you should never return to the scene of a crime, and by the look of disgust, of terror on her face, I'd say Sharon understands that pretty well. But there's something else to hold her attention, to steal all the will from inside of her. Me, I'm buzzing, the worst kind of buzz. The kind that'll make you sick until you act on it, til you go crazy.

And believe me, I will, cos just the sight of Johnny Allen, fly presumably fastened by now, sat so casually behind his desk, the anger really is exploding. I'm forcing it down, cos I can feel Sharon pressing her shaking hand anxiously into my shoulder, not quite knowing whether she dare touch me or not.

"Dennis!" Johnny says brightly, grinning that callous smile as he lifts his head, looking like he expected me. 

Oh, I can definitely believe it, because as he's sat there's, he's wiping down a very bulky looking gun. The shine on it is impressive, in fact it's hurting my eyes. But I suppose what's even more impressive is that's the bastard thing that was no doubt intended for me come New Year.

I think about what he's left me in withdrawing such a fate. And I can only think one thing. Bring it on.

"Well... you did it." I spit. "Congratulations... what's it feel like to be such a fuckin' success?"

He smirks, throwing down the cloth and lazily toying with the gun. He thinks he's unnerving me, his small eyes gauging every second of my reaction, but he's getting nothing from me. Nothing else.

"Good, since you ask. Really good."

"Come on then..."

He purses his lips, pretending to look perplexed. "Come on what?"

"Don't piss me about. You've taken everything from me Allen. I know you know that and I know you're loving it. So why don't you just go the whole way? Like you planned."

He straightens up, grinning wildly. "This feels just like Christmas, this does. But c'mon Dennis, spell it out to an old man, won't you? What exactly are you saying?"

I speak steadily. "Kill me anyway. Make the.... uh... year go out with a bang."

Sharon winces behind me in terror and Johnny glances down at the surface of his desk in amusement. I count away the seconds, feeling myself get more and more wound up.

"Well c'mon!" I yell. "It's obvious you've been waiting for me and here I am! Not lost your bottle have you, Allen?"

"My God. You want me to do it..."

Sharon steps around me. I want to pull her back, tell her to get out, but before I can muster the words, she's shielding me, like I'm going to be grateful. "We had a deal, Johnny..."

He nods. "We did, I know. But it seems your husband here isn't happy with the terms of the, er... transaction. So..." He lifts the gun and I'm stood there, glaring at him, wishing I had it in me to be frightened. But I'm not. I'm just waiting to be put out of my misery.

Sharon, on the other hand is terrified, shaking like crazy as she steps up against me. "If you're gonna kill him, you're gonna kill me too..."

His eyes widen. He looks impressed. "And what about your precious baby Sharon?"

And I can feel a sob tear right through her whole chest, even though she never releases it to the room as tears pour down her face. She just steels herself to nod as she says; "If I'm going to lose my husband, then his child deserves better than to live with what you forced me to put it through... so go on. Kill him... Kill me... Kill all of us... show us what a big man you are."

I can't help but add in a mutter; "Sure you'll make Ruby so proud..."

His lips set in a furious line as he slides his finger in threateningly against the trigger. I don't even flinch. Because his composure shatters as he bows his head, lowering the gun, laughing. He shakes his head in amusement and tosses the gun heavily back onto the desk.

"I never wanted to kill you Dennis. Not really. I just wanted you to know what it felt like to lose everything that ever mattered to you. And now you have and you're right - I love it. Somehow, I think I'll enjoy it a whole lot more if you're still breathing..."

14. Sharon

I am like stone, just falling back on my heel, stumbling against Dennis. I am so painfully stunned, taunted by the pure evil in the face of the man, stood smirking so damn proudly. And the gun that lies in front of him... it's nothing, whether or not the bastard is loaded. Because his threat, he says it was empty. I let him degrade me, I let him put his hands all over me, and for what?

"You weren't going to do anything were you?" I hiss, my facial muscles all twisted in disgust.

He bows his head, his hand dropping like a claw over the gun. "I can if you'd prefer."

Rigid, I defy him with one maddened look as I stand in front of my husband.

"You were never going to hurt him at all. You just... had Tony done over... made me think it! You made me believe it because you knew... you knew I could never let anything happen to my family! You knew I'd do it. If you scared me enough, you knew I'd do whatever you asked... that I'd break his heart because I love him so much!"

He smirks, making me convulse in repulsion. "Well, you've really proved yourself now haven't you Sharon?"

"He's my life!" I scream. I stumble awkwardly forward, nervously glancing over my shoulder at Dennis, stood there, face blank. He's just too painfully stunned. I don't think he'd ever going to believe me again. "And until you forced me here today, made me think I had no choice... we meant the world to each other! But you could never understand that, could you Johnny? Love. It ain't got terms and conditions attached. It's not about power, pain! All that matters to me is my husband and my baby; you knew that and you used it! What's this all about for God's sake?"

"You should have stayed away from my daughter, Sharon." he says warningly.

Dennis spits out a mocking laugh from behind me, making me flinch in surprise. "And what's it gonna take to make you love your baby eh Johnny? I mean, if I went and put my hands round Ruby's throat..."

Johnny shakes angrily, his face paling. He can't hold it in. "Shut your mouth!"

"...forced her against a wall..."

Nausea swirls inside me, shame burning, because we all know what he's alluding to. "Dennis-"

"...and made her push up her skirt; what are you gonna do? What can you do to show her you love her?"

And I'm staring at the floor, in guilt, in fear. Because really, Dennis' words are coming for me as well as Johnny, punishing us both. This isn't how I need my darlin' to prove his love. I need him to step back, but I know I've damaged him too much to even hope that he might consider it.

"I'd kill ya."

Dennis nods slowly, really taking in Johnny's words. "So you know what's coming then?"

Perplexed, just for a moment, Johnny straightens up, head tilted up as he tries to work out my husband like a puzzle. Then, he grins. He grins.

"Oh Dennis! Good to see you again; I did wonder how long it would take you before you reverted to type! That's where your real problem is really. Cos really, you're just like me. Trying to kid yourself a family man, but you're still just cold underneath. Only knowing one way to live. And it is about respect, it is about power." Johnny gives me a withering look, like he's trying to dimiss my apparant naivety with his words. "And I'm proud to say, I've taken all that from you. So what's left Dennis, eh? I'm curious."

"You know what's left Allen." Dennis assures him dangerously.

"Well go on then." Johnny says calmly, nodding towards the gun on the desk. "This should be second nature to you by now."

At those words, I feel sick, swinging round into Dennis' path. "Please... don't."

His eyes are dark and cold. "Why shouldn't I?"

I struggle to gulp down the sob swelling in my throat, my voice swaying. "Because you're better than this."

"Nah. Cos you and him... you made sure I weren't no better than anything. I'm gonna kill him Sharon, I am."

"You can't. You can't make it be that I gave up everything to save you, just to... to... They'll make you pay. Cos if you do this, whether you live or die, they'll still take you away from the baby. And you said you couldn't fail them." And then I choke miserably on all the emotion shaking me. "So we're begging you... leave him. Leave him to rot. He doesn't matter anymore. he's nothing."

The hugest sigh of resignation tears through Dennis' entire body, making his chest heave. He bows his head, bits into his lip, and turns out of the room. I watch him go, rooted to the spot, so relieved to see him walk away.

"Not gonna follow your precious husband then Sharon?"

"Oh I will." I assure Johnny viciously, whirling round to face him. "Cos you won't win Johnny, you'll never win. You think... that you've torn my marriage to shreds, but I promise you, even if it takes me the rest of my life, I'm gonna piece it back together - my Dennis is too good to let go - it's you that's gonna die a lonely man Johnny. Dennis' children, my children... they're gonna love him, because he's a good man. No matter what kind of world he came from, he picked himself up, made an honest life for himself. And you can mock, cos I know that don't mean anything to animals like you, but that's because it's impossible to love men with no feeling - and I love Dennis with all my heart."

He gives me a tight smile. "Good luck convincing him of that one."

"You made me tear at his soul, because you know that me and this baby, we're everything to him. You think you've left him with nothing, but you're wrong. Because I'm his wife, I saved him and I'm not going anywhere. Whatever you've done to us, I'll be there... when he hates me, when he doubts me, when he breaks down. And I ain't got no shame in telling you that's what he'll do, cos I'll be holding him together. For better or worse, like I promised."

"Touching." he scoffs as I turn away towards the door, ready to race after Dennis and beg him back to our love.

"Yeah!" I hit back defiantly. "It is. Cos we all break. So just ask yourself Johnny... whose gonna be there to pick up the pieces when you fall apart?"

And it's his silence that sees me out of this poisonous little room. Somewhere amongst all my guilt and fear, I feel the smallest swirl of triumph.

But it dies away quickly as I find myself in the dark and lonely Square with no idea where my darlin' has gone. I race around, every part of me aching, my eyes sore with so many unshed tears, my skin tight with those that stain my face.

He's not in the tube station, he's not on the platform and I don't believe he could have already gone. It's been a few minutes, that's all. He's not in the pub, but I guess I knew that. The last thing he would want is to be surrounded by all those that... well, disapprove. Since we married, it's been a lot easier, but the pain of it never really left him, I know that much. And maybe now, he kinda sees a reason why people might have been as they were. Oh God, he doubts me.

Whether he's there or not, despite my hammering and tearful pleading, he doesn't answer the door at the flat. I don't believe he'd wanna come back here either though; not really. He'd need to be somewhere neautral, somewhere he could try and drive everything from his head. But I've gone all around the Square with no sign of him. And I'm scared, sickened too as I come full circle back to the club. I turn away in disgust, staggering round to the community centre, leaning heavily against the railings surrounding the playground as I cry.

And through the blur of hot, remorseful tears, oh I sag. Because there he is. Rocking despondently back and forth on a tyre swing, his eyes fixed straight ahead.

"Dennis?" I whisper cautiously, wiping the streams from my eyes. 

He flinches, head snapping round. His expression is unchanged. I sigh sadly but duck under the railing, the bark crunching beneath my feet. I straighten up, just gazing at him. His lips rise a little in recognition and I'm foolish enough to hope, to smile back. But he looks away in disgust, bowing his head and fiddling anxiously with his hands in his lap. I go over, leaning against the frame, my feverish palm curled around the cool metal.

But he doesn't move or speak. I can't bear it, pushing away from the frame and taking a step forward. He leans even further forward, tucking in his chin. I sink down, crouching in front of him, realising he's crying. Desperate for me not to see.

"Please... look at me..."

He sniffles and raises his head definitely. "Is this what you wanted to see?"

"No." I whisper, feeling my heart break. "Oh darlin', no!"

"I hope it was worth it Sharon, I really do. But I just can't do this anymore."

"Don't say that. We'll work it out."

"How? I can't even bear to look at you... my wife.... and all I can see is him - and the bastard didn't even wanna kill me! And what about Tony eh, what if he's killed 'im?"

"He hasn't!" I protest desperately. "Tony was... my warning. I really believed Johnny was gonna hurt you... I'd never have- not for anything! Please, say you believe me..."

"No. I can't trust in anything you say to me anymore."

And he twists furiously at his wedding ring on his finger, desperate to loosen it, and it's like he's taken a blade to my heart. Except the bonds of our marriage are stubborn. The ring won't budge and he leaps up in a fury. I pull myself up too, not steady on my own feet as I lurch for his hand. I just can't let him leave me. Not yet. Not like this.

But this one touch is too intrusive, too intimate for my darlin' to bear. He lashes out, throwing me off with all his might, bucking against me to tear his hand from my grasp and escape my touch, my presence. Except, I can't support myself. It's like the world falls around me as I crash to the floor, landing hard against the metal frame. And immediately, I'm screaming at the agony tearing right across my abdomen.

Dennis is motionless; again like he didn't realise what was happening. He looks down on me, the moonlight illuminating the guilt, the panic in his eyes.

Never knowing if it'll come, I'm there, crumpled in a heap, pleading for his help. I'm so scared.

"The baby, Dennis! The baby!"

15. Dennis

I'm shaking. Just to look at her, I feel ill. Why can't I move? Oh God, oh God, what have I done? Whatever I think of Sharon, whatever I don't dare think about her, I never... never, ever, ever meant to endanger the baby. Cos, that kind of innocence, it means something. But I... I just lashed out. I couldn't help it. Sharon had a hold on my hand and I couldn't bear it. I didn't want her touching me, not after everything. The last time she held my hand, she was still... clean. She was mine, I loved her. And now I don't know what to believe in. Except my baby. Bloody hell, the kid hasn't done anything wrong!

I stumble, pressing my hand a little higher around the frame that Sharon fell against. She's curled up, writhing on the bark, crying at the pain, her arms trying to protect her stomach. I crouch down, wincing as the bark cracks beneath my feet. I can't bear to truly think through the enormity of what I might have caused. I can't. I just need to make it right. I can't stand to lose anything else. I thought it was all gone, but that bastard can't have my baby too. It's mine.

"Alright... Alright! C'mon..." I reach over, helping her sit against the frame. And God, the tears really are pouring from her eyes. I feel that fright too. I sniffle back a wave of remorseful tears and pull myself halfway to my feet, poised. "Give your hand-"

And still it shakes even as it rests in mine. Silently, I count to three and help her to her feet, wincing in my own agony as she screams, unable to bear the exertion.

"Where... are we... going?"

"The hospital yeah? Then they can... check the baby over. Look... can you walk?"

She lumbers on for a few steps, but then sags, shuddering with sobs. "I can't do it! Dennis, please!"

I bite into my lip, praying my voice won't sway as to give me away as the tears build unseen in my eyes. "What am I meant to do, Sharon?" I demand, whirling desperately around as she holds her weight against the railings. "Tell me!" But she just looks at me and I realise, she needs me to have the answer. I can only think of one. I turn and I run, without so much as thinking.

"Dennis!"

She cries out like she needs me, but the truth of it is, our baby needs me more. And I made a vow. To never let them down. I tear across the Square, almost stumbling up the kerb and hammering desperately on the door with my fists.

"Charlie! Charlie!"

The door moves beneath my touch, and Mo stands there, sour-faced at recognising me on her doorstep. I ain't asking for me and the Slaters to be best friends, not after everything that's gone on. I just want there help.

"Mo, please... where's Charlie?"

"What's it to you?"

"Please!"

"Mo? What's going on... Dennis?"

He appears behind Mo, his face twisting in concern at the state of me.

"Charlie!"

"What is it, son, what's happened?"

"N-Need to-get-to... hospital... now. Left-Sharon-in-the-playground. F-Fell.... think-she's-losing-baby..."

"I'll get me coat." he nods certainly. "I'll pull up outside the club, you be alright to bring her that far?"

I nod, breathless. "Yeah... Yeah..." And I race back to the playground without the mechanisms to even pull in my next breath. Sharon's still gripping the railing, leaning further forward in agony by now.

"Where did you go?" she wails as I hurtle towards her, sliding my arm around her back to support her.

"To get Charlie. It's gonna be alright..."

Except we don't know that. Not yet. And I can't stand the pitying looks Charlie keeps throwing us as Sharon and me sit on the back seat. She's cuddled into me without invitation or permission, but my fear keeps me beside her as she whimpers through the waves of pain, biting hard into her lip as the tears sparkle so sorrowfully. Her head is flopped, in defeat almost against my shoulder as she moaned. And our only given touch is her freezing, shaking hand rested over mine against her stomach. How I wish she couldn't hear me as I repeat feverishly; "Please... Please don't..." It makes her cry harder and whatever I think of her and how she has damaged this marriage tonight, I never wanted to make her cry for this reason. This was never supposed to happen.

Sharon needs more of my support than she can dare to admit. She thinks I won't help her, that I won't help my child. She leans heavily against me as we walk through the main entrance and into left into A&E. I make her sit down, and she's gulping down another sob of terror just at me letting go of her wrist. There's nothing I can do to placate that. It's not within me anymore. I just want to know my baby's OK.

"Sharon Rickman." I mumble at the expectant looking receptionist sat behind the computer at the desk. "She's... uh... eleven weeks pregnant. She fell and she can... barely walk with the pain."

"Right, OK." she returns with a serious face, tapping at the keys. "And are you... Sharon's.... husband?"

Drumming my fingers anxiously on the edge of the desk, I smile weakly as I catch sight of the ring still on my finger. "I was... Please, just make sure they look after the baby alright?"

And I turn away, needing to get out before these bastard tears spill over.

"Dennis?"

I gulp down the sob awkwardly as I turn to face Sharon. "I... I have to go."

She shivers, fresh tears sliding down. "No! No... you don't hate me that much, you can't! I'm scared darlin'... I'm so scared. And if that's not enough to make you stay- The baby... stay for the baby. Please! You can't walk out of here and leave me when the baby might be hurt... I know you couldn't do that!"

No. No, I couldn't. I sigh and motion tiredly for her to budge up, sinking down beside her. But after that, for so long, there's nothing between us. All I can hear is the phone ringing, people coughing, doctors calling patients through. And I just want one of them to tell me it'll be OK. Because otherwise.... I did this. And I can't live with my baby's blood on my hands.

Sharon doesn't turn to look at me; she just stems her tears and shakily begins to speak, maybe not even for the purpose of having me hear her. Maybe it's just to release it from where it's building so painfully inside. "I deserve this don't I? I... I ruin my marriage when it's... given me everything I ever wanted. And I just ruin it cos I... God, I never give up being scared. And someone up there's seen everything I've done wrong, everything I've done to you... and they're making me pay; taking my dreams away from me... stealing my baby!"

I keep staring at the same spot on the floor. I don't move, I don't speak. I just keep staring. Because I can't bear to look at her, even though I can just about see her out the corner of my eye away. And it's not disgust anymore. That's been eclipsed by the fear. It's crippling and just to know she's beside me, crying her heart out with it, I'd break if I looked at her. And I can't. I can't afford to break. Because I don't have anyone to piece me back together anymore, no understanding of how these pieces fit. I thought I knew once. But what am I going to have in the morning?

"I'm such an idiot!" Sharon curses miserably. "I ruined it all and I never needed to. But I was so scared. He put his hands round my throat... I couldn't even breathe and I... I just wanted you. To make me feel safe, to protect the baby. But you weren't there. And I thought... if I didn't do what Johnny wanted... you might not be there at all. I saw what it did to you when Candice phoned, and that was for my benefit. I thought you were in danger and... I love you; I can't let bad things happen to you. I did what I thought I had to do to save my family. The idea, it made me sick, but I did it because otherwise, I was gonna be left with nothing and there's nothing worse. You might wanna leave me Dennis and I... understand but at least thought you'd have your baby. And I know that if... anything is wrong... it's just somethin' else you're never gonna forgive me for. I'm so sorry. Just believe me... I'm never gonna forgive myself either..."

She's there cryin' so hard, she's practically choking on every other word. And I wish there was something I could do or say to make it alright. I made the baby happen for her, I know what it means and whatever I think she deserves, this was never it. She's waited too long. I want to tell her that I would if I could, but I can't blame her. I threw her off. I made her fall.

Murderer. Still nothing more than a murderer.

Silently, I get up from my chair, turning away from her and blinking furiously. She can't see what her words are doing to me, she just can't know I'm so weak. Cos until we know the truth, this baby needs us.

"Sharon Rickman, please?"

I tense, hearing Sharon gasp frightfully at her summons. I force my composure as I help her up, guiding her through where the nurse directs. Sharon winces as she obediently settles herself on the bed and I sink onto the hard plastic chair.

"Rita Hart, obstetrician, Mrs. Rickman-"

All the woman in the white coat with the watch swinging from her breast pocket gets is a whimper of recognition. She smiles sympathetically, glancing at me.

"And are you...?"

My laced hands pressed to my mouth, I nod. "I'm the father..."

She nods. "Right, OK. Sharon, why don't you roll up your jumper lovely, and tell me what's happened. I've heard reports of a trauma to your abdomen and you're... eleven weeks pregnant is that right?"

"Mmmm." Sharon manages, her face contorted in pain as she wriggles, forcing her jumper away from her tummy. "I... oh God..."

"It's OK." Rita says soothingly. "Take your time. What happened Sharon?"

She rolls her head to the side, her hair fanned around her, her brimming eyes searching mine, painfully. And I can't look away; my guilt keeps our gazes locked because I... I'm pleading with her on her on the inside.

Please... Please don't tell her what I did.

"I fell. Damn shoes... tripped up a kerb... wasn't exactly a soft landing..."

"I'm sure it wasn't. Now, this jelly will probably feel cold on your tummy, sorry."

Sharon smiles weakly. It's not like that that's what matters. But Rita looks pointedly to me as she lifts the tube of jelly.

"Why don't you give Sharon your hand? Make it a bit easier on her?"

I blanch my lip, don't move. And Sharon's eyes are on mine again and they know I just might not be able to do it. Cos we don't fit together like we used to. We were supposed to be a family, and now, between us, we might have lost it all. But I made her scared. She thought she was saving me from Johnny Allen's threats. And yet it's me that's threatened the most precious thing of all. And I'm so sorry.

So I offer my hand and she holds it so gratefully, flinching as the jelly hits her skin, tremoring in fear as she looks towards the screen, the scanner moving purposefully across her tummy.

"Please-" she begs hoarsely after a few agonising eventless moments. "Please say our baby's OK-"

Rita gets up, leaning over the monitor and stepping back with this strap, wires tripping off it. I guess me and Sharon look equally terrified. because she smiles softly and asks Sharon to lift herself up so she can slide the strap beneath her. She secures it across her tummy and attachs the wires God knows where. 

Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung...

"Nothing to worry about Sharon." Rita points to the screen, the grainy image that both Sharon and me recognise as our baby looking back at us; with its heart beating perfectly.

Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung... Guh-gung...

"Your baby is alive and kicking... or at least it will be in a few months..."

16. Sharon

I just look at her, listening to the beat, hardly daring to believe it. I fold with the sheer relief, shuddering through my grateful tears, trying to smother sobs with my hand, because I know it will hurt to release them.

"Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much!"

Rita stands up, smiling softly. "It's my pleasure. I'll... uh... leave you with baby for a while, shall I? Sounds to me like he's gotta plenty to say to you both! Just... look after one another OK?"

But Dennis and me are rigid as we watch her leave. He flinches as the door shuts behind her, and it's then I look down, by instinct, surprised to find his hand still pressed into mine. And that sob swells again. This time, I feel safer, let it take me over, speaking only to his hand, holding mine; too terrified to look up into his face, too scared of the emotions I might see, the emotions I might not.

Bravely, I whisper; "I swear, I won't ask you this ever again, but please... just hold me."

I bite into my lip, willing away the moments I find myself alone and ignored. Because I need him, right now, I need to feel that he shares in this tumult, that he now feels the breath-taking relief that soothes it all. I need him close, this... this is private. It's about us. I know we both expected a moment of grief, but the powers above that seem determined to curse our marriage, have rescued our child. So even if I may never have him again, I need more than I could put into words, to be with him for this moment of subdued elation.

I push myself up through my arms, sliding back against the bed, realising with a jolt that for this, I dislodged Dennis' hand from mine. I throw him a frightful glance before I realise what it is I've done. And his lip's quivering as he bites at it. He won't let himself break in front of me. He doesn't trust me with his emotion anymore. But... he gets up and settles himself on the edge of the bed, sat against his hip, his arm sliding around my back. 

And then that's it. He's here, holding me with all the strength he has left, shuddering and shaking as he buries his head in my shoulders, his silent tears trickling from his face and burning my skin. But I don't care. I hold him as close and as fiercely as is possible. Because I know that when he draws back, that's it. I let him go and he doesn't come back. Not to me. I lost my darlin' tonight, and God, my heart is in pieces but I understand. I knew the risk I was taking tonight, the pain I would cause to the one I loved the most. But between us, we could have lost so much more. And we haven't. So I have to be grateful for this one last moment, thankful tears pouring from my eyes.

"He's OK, Dennis, it's alright!"

As his arms fall from around me, oh, I miss his touch already, I take his hand again, without thinking, pressing it on top on the strap that miraculously delivers our baby's rhythmic heartbeat to the room.

"Baby Rickman... holding on."

But his hand stiffens beneath mine and he turns his head away. "Don't."

"Please Dennis... whatever I've done, your baby's still here. You have to believe in it!"

He gives me a piercing look, and I realise for the first time how red and sore his eyes appear.

"Like I did with you and me, you mean?"

I deserved that, I know I did. But it still hurts, breaking another piece of my heart.

"No. The baby won't let you down, he won't hurt you like I have... he'll never lose you."

"Yeah?" he questions doubtfully, speaking into his hands as they cover his mouth. "And what if I can't take that risk Sharon? What if I can't put myself through that again?"

"You don't mean that. No! The baby hasn't done anything wrong! Listen to him, Dennis, he's holding on to be a part of us!"

He straightens up a little, blinking slowly. It hurts to look at him, to see the defeat in his beautiful eyes, once alive with hope and love.

"But there isn't an "us" anymore. So what's he holding on for?"

His words stick like a razorblade cutting in my throat. He's despondent, I know, but as the words slip past his lips, he sounds like he's wishing his baby away. He can't be doing this. I broke his heart, he can hardly bear to look me in the eye, but when Rita showed us that the baby's heart was still beating, holding on to the promise of life we made for him, he held me, crying with relief. I saw the guilt in his eyes when Rita asked me how I came to fall. He couldn't bear to think he might have done anything to hurt our baby. Because he's blameless in all this. He's holding on because Mummy needs him to. I need to place him in Dennis' arms and know that for all I will have lost, I provided Dennis with someone exclusive to love.

"For his Daddy." I protest tearfully. "To know his Daddy loves him! And I know you can't let that go, whatever I have done. What if we had lost him Dennis eh? This was everything we ever dreamt about, and I won't be able to give you it again because we... won't be together, we can't... but I love you, and your baby's holding on because he knows that if I can't have you, then I still need part of you. I can't- I can't be left with nothing."

His eyes lock warningly on mine and I'll admit to a jolt of fear. "You could have had everything."

Another sob swells. "I know. I know and darlin', I'm so sorry. I never meant- I just... I need you to know something... before you... go."

He tilts his head expectantly, not saying a single word.

"I know you're probably wishing you never... met me and you'll walk out here and... you'll wanna forget me. Because I know how you felt and I swear... I felt it too, and I... I couldn't bear to lose it. But if I have to, then you have to know that I'll never regret a second of you. Because I've got our baby in here, mine and yours, and that's it. However we work it out for you and the baby, there's no moving on, no nothing. I'll wake up with the baby and... every morning I'm gonna be fallin' in love with you, just lookin' at 'em. And I'll be thankin' God I found you darlin'. You were The One, you were everything and I'll... I'll never get over that. I'll never stop loving you, Dennis, ever. The baby's gonna make sure of that. I'm just... so sorry!"

Sorry and painfully aware that my child is effortlessly going to keep my love for Daddy alive. Forever. He's just not going to let me do anything with it anymore - even though we both know he meant it. We'd never have made to this place together if not.

He's still motionless, his body rigid, his glassy eyes no longer prepared to register that I am here in front of him even as he looks right at me. His attentions swerve round as there's a knock at the door and Rita slides back in, smiling apologetically, as if she expected there to be something to intrude on. But both me & Dennis know there's nothing.

"Right, Sharon, we'll get all that off you in a second. I just wanted to let you know, I'd like to keep you in tonight."

"You said everything was alright." Dennis mumbles anxiously.

"It is. It is. This is just routine, a precautionary measure if you like. We get to keep an eye on the baby...fetal monitoring and the like, and we can get your wife something for the pain she's suffering at the moment. Nothing more than that - both mum and baby will come home to you in fine form in the morning, I promise."

He sags, accepting of her words, just watching as she leans over me, removing the monitoring strap from around my tummy.

"Lovely. Pull down your jumper then Sharon and I'll get you admitted. Perhaps your husband would... go and grab you a few things from home?"

Silently, Dennis gets up and turns towards the door, leaving the room without a word. And I can't help but fear perhaps not. I never thought I'd be forced to live through this moment, but my darlin' has been offered an escape route. I think he'll take it. He's not going to come back. He knows now what he needed to - the baby's alright. His concern isn't for me. As of this moment - my marriage is over.

17. Dennis

I walk back from the hospital. Which I know is stupid in itself, but I just can't bear to get back to the Square before I have to. I actually believed this place was alright; even when Den was dug up on my wedding day for God's sake. Maybe that was why. Because I knew he was definitely gone, that I was at last free to make my bride happy. I really thought I could, and finding out we were gonna have a baby, when she'd spent so many years thinking she couldn't, longing for what she thought she could never have, I felt like we had everything we might ever have needed. Except now, our marriage is gone. 

This isn't like when I found Zoe in bed with Den. I liked her, but I never loved her, never felt anything close to the completeness I thought I knew with Sharon. Seeing her in that office, knowing that Allen had just degraded her, knowing that she'd sold everything that ever meant anything between us, God, I shattered. I know I can't really talk, I never thought anything of sex, the women I was sleeping with. Apart from maybe Kate, none of them were any more than a name. 

But Sharon changed all that. She brought meaning to every stupid little thing I coulda thought of. That was how I knew I wanted to be with her. It's why I married her. I meant every word of the vows I made to her that day. Everyone will tell you they did, I know, but I'd had nothing before her. And tonight, thanks to her fear, her horribly misguided love, I so nearly went back there. I almost killed my own baby. 

And why? Cos of Allen. Cos he was so damned determined to steal everything from me! And I don't understand why the bastard wouldn't just kill me. Probably didn't wanna get my blood all up his wallpaper. Or maybe he just ain't man enough to pull the trigger. Much easier to threaten a pregnant woman, right? It hurts to think of what he might have done to her. Cos I loved her then, and I didn't protect her. Never mind what he made her think... what did he do to her? Why didn't I realise?

He has hurt me, more than it would be good for him to know. But it don't matter. Cos I'm having the last swipe here. I'll be the one that's still standing; Sharon made sure of that. But if Johnny wants to come after me, then Hell, I'm ready. Cos I'm gonna hurt him just as much. I can take everything from him too.

My every muscle's aching by the time I find myself aimlessly kicking stones along the well-knackered surface of Bridge Street. I should be feeling the cikd swirling around me, but I've just walked four miles, left with nothing but my thoughts and my anger. I want revenge - and I want it to taste as foul as is possible for Allen. I could go back and kill him, but I bet he'd think he was dying a marytr to my destruction and I ain't ever having that. Sharon's right about one thing - that just steals me away from the baby and someone wants to give me a chance to be a father.

I slow up outside the caff, and it's like there's a light-bulb going off over my head. Because that's it. Johnny Allen's a father all out of chances.

Hunching my shoulders, my hands stuffed into the pockets of my jeans, I try to summon the will, pushing against the door. And just as I knew she would be, there's Ruby Allen. Leant over the wiped-down counter, head bowed against Juley's as they laugh and murmur to one another. And I feel a stabbing of apology as Juley straightens up, clocking me stood there.

I'm sorry, Ruby.

"Uh, sorry Dennis man... I was just about to lock up."

"Doesn't matter." I mutter.

Falling back, Ruby looks anxiously over her shoulder, her eyes darting questioningly over my face. God, she looks so young, so damn innocent. You wouldn't even know she was Allen's.

"You alright Dennis?" she asks brightly. I barely manage to humour the suggestion.

"No. I have to talk to you."

Her eyes widen in disbelief. "Me?" she questions, pressing a thumb into her chest.

I nod. "You."

She shrugs, stepping forward and dragging back a chair from the table. She sits down and shrugs off her heavy grey coat, securing it over the back of the chair. She looks over at me expectantly, waiting for me to sit down opposite her like this is gonna be some light and airy discussion about where she's planning to take her four holidays this year. Her pretty, shining lips twist in concern.

"Seriously... are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost or summat." She laughs nervously, like the idea's ludicrous, just another cheap phrase. But it ain't. Cos I have. That's all I can see wherever I look around this Square. Ghosts. Of the past. A past that, in hindsight, almost seems happy when I consider what I have to look forward to in the future.

I don't answer her, instead turn and address Juley. "Could you give us a minute? This is private."

"Yeah... but I've... gotta lock up..."

I lay out my palm readily. "I'll do it."

He looks doubtful, his gaze sliding to Ruby. I claw back my lip and watch the reaction she throws back, flopping out her hands in a gesture of cluelessness. So her boyfriend sighs and presses the keys into my palm, pulling on his seude coat as he heads for the door.

"See you later Rubes."

"Yeah!" she smiles, nodding. "Love you."

He smiles and slips out. Filling the silence, I sink heavily down opposite her, demanding; "Do you?"

She narrows her eyes in confusion. "Do I... what?"

I gesture towards the door, after Juley. "Love him?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

I bow my head, accepting her words. I lace my hands together on the tablecloth, hunched forward as I concentrate on tweezing the wedding ring from my finger. Rubt watches my progress with an anxious smile.

"Dennis? Dennis, what are you doing?"

"What's it look like?"

She speaks more quickly, like the frenzy of her objection is gonna make any difference. "But you... you can't do that. You take your wedding ring off and it means..."

The band loose, I hold it triumphantly between my shivering forefinger and thumb for her to see. Her mouth gapes, horrified. I put the ring down on the table, staring hard at it as I finish her sentence for her. "It means my marriage is over."

"What? But... But Sharon's pregnant isn't she? You two are supposed to be having a baby together."

"And we still are." I assure her. "Just about. But we're... we're not... together anymore."

Her lips sink. "Oh. Well, I'm sorry. But I don't see what that's got to do with me."

"You?" I push my hands against the edge of the table, leaning back in my seat. "Not much. Got a fair bit to do with your old man though."

Her every feature creases and her eyes cloud with confusion. "My dad?"

"Yeah. Johnny didn't really appreciate me enjoying a man like him get his comeuppance you know? Thought he'd have one last shot at playing the big man." I raise my eyebrow to enforce the point. "Literally. Your old man wanted me out the way... got Sharon by the throat and swore he'd have me killed."

"By... the throat?"

I nod, feeling myself begin to shake with anger at just recounting the details. "Yeah I know." I say of her sickened look. "I didn't think he was really that low either. But I was wrong Ruby... cos the first I knew of it? Walking in on Johnny having sex with Sharon in the office at the club. Well, almost... he was just about doing his fly up by then..."

"No!" Ruby reels back, shaking her head certainly. "No, he wouldn't."

"Why not? If I hadn't married her, I'd still be after her." Then I release a bitter laugh. "Y'know, you really oughta do summat about your staff. Get a couple that don't need to call me in to change the fuckin' barrel yeah? Cos I'd never have set foot in that place ever again if that Amy wasn't so damn pathetic that she couldn't even-"

Ruby raises her palms, needing to slow me down amongst my ranting, needing chance to compute everything that's coming at her. "Hang on! What are you saying?"

"He sent the heavies round... to one of my friends yeah? Little warning for Sharon. They broke both his legs, Ruby."

She chokes in repulsion, speaking from behind her hand as she covers her mouth. "Oh my God..."

"I had his wife on the phone, almost having a nervous breakdown. Sharon was there when I took the call. She was terrified. She thought I was a dead man. But Johnny Allen... he won't never let it be said that he don't give a lady a choice."

"What... choice?" Ruby asks shakily.

"What d'you think?" I throw back. "Either she fucked him or I fucked off. Only... apparantly my life was worth more to Sharon than her self-respect. And I just can't love a woman like that. Not when I know he's had his dirty paws all over her... she was supposed to be mine Ruby."

And I'm so fuckin' weak, I burst into furious tears right then and there. Ruby looks pretty close to it an' all. She could never have wanted to know all this but... believing it? Maybe that's gonna take more than she's got. Cos I know she can see to look at me that I ain't lying. I'd never tear my own life apart just to sit here, pretending I'm getting one over on Johnny Allen. I could never lie like he forced Sharon to lie to me.

"Oh... Dennis. I... I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

"Nothin'." I tell her, wiping fiercely at my streaming eyes. "I just needed you to know the truth. To know how fuckin' low your dad really is."

"I never thought he... oh God-" She turns her head away, screwing her fists up angrily and slamming them against the table top. "-I'm sorry. Where... Where's Sharon now?"

"Uh....Walford General..."

"What? Please tell me she hasn't... hurt herself?"

I shake my head miserably, feeling more guilty tears burn. "It was me. I did it."

"What?" Ruby presses in a saunted whisper, her eyes alive with fright I have seen too many times tonight in another face. "What did you do to her?"

"I couldn't... I couldn't stand her touching me. Not after- I threw her off... in the plaground. She fell. She was screaming. Screaming for my help, screaming for the baby. She was in so much pain, Ruby-"

All the colour drains from Ruby's face. She laces her hands clumsily together, her whole arms shaking. "The baby's alright isn't it? Oh God, Dennis, please... say-"

"It's fine." I sniffle. "But we were so scared. And I just... wanted to reach out to her, tell her I was there, that it was gonna be OK. But I couldn't. I couldn't even stand to touch my own wife. I didn't have the nerve... I didn't have the words to make it OK. Because if it wasn't... if we'd lost the baby, it woulda been my fault!"

Ruby lurches across the table, seizing my hands in her shuddering own, pressing them down over my wedding ring, abandoned on the table. "No!" she tells me defiantly. "It could never have been your fault. It was my dad... the evil-"

I nod in agreement, even though it turns out she can't finish, not ble to find strong enough words in her own messed up mind. I'll go with that she managed to offer

"But it don't make no difference." I mumble angrily, staring down at the tablecloth. "I've still lost her. He stole her from me cos he knew how much I love her. I love her so much and I can't stand it cos it's gone. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now, without her? She was everything and she's never gonna be mine again!"

"She will. She will Dennis... you just have to hold on!"

I scoff, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, right. To what? It's too late. Cos he could still send someone to kill me... like he said he would. That's why I'm telling you all this, Ruby yeah? Cos it don't mean nothing, him killing me, if he does or not. He took my life from me the moment he took Sharon... into that office and... and I have to show him his threats don't work. Not with me. Cos you... you deserve to know what kind of psycho you've gotten away from... you deserve to know what your dad's really like. I bloody wish someone had warned me about mine. I don't wanna see you go the same way..." 

18. Ruby

Slumped back in my chair, I've begun to shake, entirely unable to bring my eyes away from Dennis' pale face, his own eyes shimmering with tears. He's blanching fiercely at his lip to hold it back and all I can feel is a jolt of the strongest empathy in my weakened stomach. This... what he's telling me, it's the truth. I'd give anything not to believe it, but there's no way he'd lie, not about something like this. He couldn't do it to Sharon, he'd never think so little of her. I mean, I'm not claiming to be either of the Rickmans' best friends or anything, but if there's one thing anyone would realise, just to see the two of them together, it's that they love each other completely and utterly.

I admire them, truly. They fought everything and everyone they'd ever known to be together, to come so far in the face of all that opposition as to marry and start to build a new family for themselves. When Sharon returned the stepladders that day, she really talked to me, made me see what it meant to be a man's daughter as well as your own person, with choices and mistakes to make with it. She was the reason I couldn't give up on my dad, even though everyone knows that Den, as her's and Dennis' dad, did his best to break both their hearts in keeping them apart. I never thought there was anything crueller than that.

And then I found out what my dad was really like, all the truly evil things he'd done. I knew then that he simply couldn't understand the concept of love. It's why I left, held on to Juley. Even if we don't last, I still know he thinks more of me than my dad ever has. I mean, how could he do this? To Sharon and Dennis, relative strangers, just wanting to get on in the life and love they had waited for. Yeah, so Dennis wound him up a bit. So did Juley. But what have I, what have Sharon and that baby ever done to him?

"I just... I can't believe it."

"Yeah." Dennis whispers weakly, toying viciously with his hands. "Well, I'm trying not to think about it."

"Maybe that's best yeah? You and Sharon... you need to think of the baby."

"Why? We don't deserve it."

"That's not true. Dennis, it's not!" I insist as he lifts his weary head to throw me a doubtful look. "Whatever's happened, you made that baby out of love. And I know what my dad's done was to hurt you but it doesn't mean the love goes away. Do you think Sharon woulda let this happen if she didn't love you?"

"She gave herself up to Johnny, Ruby. That's it."

"No it's not." I sigh despairingly. "It's not like she could ever have wanted it. It's dirty and cheap, it's... about power."

"She let him have it." he argues stubbornly.

"Yeah, for your sake! She did it to save your life... a life you're supposed to be living with her and your baby. You can't give up, Dennis, you just can't. Doesn't your baby, your son or your daughter, deserve more than this?"

"I thought I deserved more than this. And I have done some bad things in my time, Ruby, really bad. But I thought... Sharon...."

"But if you let this happen then my dad's won!" I cry out desperately, scrunching my hands into frustrated fists. "That's all he wants and... you and Sharon, you're better than that. You can't let her go, Dennis."

He hunches his shoulders in defeat. "I don't want to. I don't. But I just don't know how to hold on anymore. I thought I did... I really thought I could get through anything as long as I had Sharon. But I don't. Cos your dad took her from me."

"No! That's what he's tried to do. It's up to you whether he suceeds or not. Just ask yourself Dennis, after everything you & Sharon have been through, do you really wanna let Johnny Allen win?"

Bluntly, Dennis shakes his head, mumbling; "Why do you think I'm telling you?"

And that throws me. I straighten my back, blinking in bewilderment. "Well, I... don't know."

"Cos I wanna hurt him. I wanna crucify him like he has me, and I ain't ashamed to say to you, whatever that makes you think of me. If I have to lose everything, then so does he."

I flinch. Because I can tell in his tone, the darkness of his face, he means it. Believe me, I'm more than happy to help him on the way; never again do I want to be reminded that such an animal crafted my flesh and blood, because there's nothing between us, not if he can do this. The thing is, I don't believe Dennis could ever have really been of the same mind. This is what he has become, because of what my dad has done. He's shattered, broken. Don't I owe it to him to pick up a few of pieces?

"You're right." I agree calmly. "He does. But Dennis, you have to realise you haven't lost anything, not really. You could have done, but you didn't. Because your baby's still there and so's Sharon and I know you love her. So it's all still there. If it's worth anything to you, you'll take it back. And when my dad knows what it feels like to... hurt as much as you are right now, you'll be showing 'im, and all the evil bastards like him that there's nothing he can do to ruin what you've got. Because it's yours. Yours & Sharon's, and it's special."

I see the flickerings of hope in his eyes as I speak, and I cling to them anxiously.

"Yeah?"

His lips shift unfavourably. "I just can't trust her anymore. I mean, why couldn't she just tell me?"

I know he sees the reason all too well. Because had Sharon not taken this horrible decision, Dennis' fate was inevitable.

"Because trust... it can die, but it can come back. And it will. But you... no."

Groaning, he rests his head in his hands. "What am I supposed to do, Ruby eh?"

"Go back to Sharon." I advise softly. "And just... try. For the baby's sake."

Scraping my chair back, I swing my coat off the back, sliding my arms in.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm walking with you to the tube station, c'mon."

A look of doubt crosses his face, but I return a stern glance and he obediently smiles and gets up too, leaning over and pressing the keys into my waiting palm so I can lock up for Juley.

We walk over to the tube station together in absolute silence, but it's balanced, y'know? Like between us we have some sort of understanding. I walk shivering beneath my heavy coat, and Dennis, shoulders hunched forward as he walks with his hands pushed into the pockets of his jeans, turns his head occassionally and catches my eye, smiling at the sound of my teeth chattering. I keep giggle nervously and feeling myself go the stupidest shades.

He's been through Hell and back tonight because of my dad and yet he can still humour me when I can't take the five minute walk in the cold to the tube station.

I watch over him as he buys his ticket, making sure he's not trying to head to Greenwich or anywhere stupid like that. There's only one place he should be right now. I just hope to God he has the sense to show up there.

Still we don't speak; at least not until we see the train coming towards us.

"Right!" I say brightly, lifting my head and smile, hoping to reassure him. Cos he looks so out of will.

"Thanks Ruby." he mumbles awkwardly, placing his hand across my sleeve.

"I haven't done anything..."

He shakes his head gently. "You listened to me. You didn't... oh God, I'm just sorry it had to be like this. I'm sorry it had to be true. And I'm sorry I had to tell you...."

"Don't be. Like you said, I deserved to know what my dad's really like. It's me that should be sorry. And I am Dennis, yeah? Truly sorry. But it'll be alright."

Dennis bites into his lip, not saying a word. Sadly, I resign myself to the fact that I can't make him believe it's the truth. But I am damn determined to make it that way. It's the least he deserves.

The train is still at the platform, the doors have opened. Dennis steps forward but comes back hesistantly, wrapping his arms around me before I realise. I laugh nervously as I cling to him. It's an instinct, that's all. I wasn't expecting this.

"Look after yourself." he whispers.

"You too. Look after Sharon."

I feel him stiffen and he steps back, his eyes by now devoid of emotion and his lips unable to raise a meant smile. He just gets on the train, the doors close and that's it. I don't catch sight of him again, just watch the train roll out of the station. There's this swirl of the freezing air that seems to envelope me and I immediately feel more alone than I can bear. I shiver, forcing myself to turn around, go down the stairwell and move back into the darkness of the Square.

I feel sick, but force down the nausea as I begin to walk quickly towards the club. I need to hear Dad's justification for this come from his own sick mouth. I need to hear the best of his excuses. I need to see if I really know him at all. I think that that's what frightens me the most, but I'm wrong. Because as I turn the corner by the playground, the club looming like an attacker over me; knowing what happened in there, knowing the perverse kick my dad got out of the pain it caused, the nausea wins out. I fold against the railing of the playground, struggling to breathe as the acid burns at my throat and I bow my head, vomiting helplessly across the bark.

I am truly sickened. My head pounds and as I look up, I realise that this, right here, this was where Dennis was so sure he'd lost his baby. It was here that he threw his pregnant wife, too unable to bear her touch - because of my Dad.

Miserably wiping the residue from my lips and feeling just as dirty as I suppose Sharon must do right now, I turn and make my way down into the club.

"Ruby!" Amy calls from where she is serving behind the bar. "Good to see you."

I scowl, don't even pause. "Dad in the office is he? Great."

I don't need her to answer me do I? She doesn't know anything. Not even how to change a barrel. I don't know why we bothered to employ her. Everyone except her came over from the Angie's Den staff. A favour Sharon did my dad when she sold the premises over. And what the hell has he done to her?

I storm right down to the office, forcing my weight furiously against the unmanned door and sending it crashing open. My dad, the great Johnny Allen, sat at his desk, flinches in surprise at the volume of the impact but he smiles when he looks up and sees me. Maybe he was expecting Dennis to come back and kill him. I couldn't blame the bloke. But we all know there are better ways to punish men like my dad. That's exactly why Dennis told me this. Because it means that the punishment falls to me. Weak-willed little Ruby. Well, not anymore.

"Ruby!" he says brightly, grinning.

He makes me sick.

At the sight of my expression, his twisted smile dies away.

"What is it sweetheart? What's happened?"

"How could you?"

"Sorry?"

"She's pregnant, Dad, having a baby with the man she loves! And you raped her!"

He leans forward a little, guffawing in astonishment. "Who have you been talking to?"

"Dennis." I tell him defiantly, moving back to close the door and challenging the murder in his eyes with the daring I throw back. "He came into the café, told me every, single disgusting little detail. And I swear to God, Dad, if anything happens to him after we've had this conversation, I'll know it was you."

My dad shrugs nonchalantly. He really thinks he can still play me! "Know what was me, Ruby?"

"I'll know it was you that had him killed. Y'know, like you promised Sharon when you had her up against the wall by her throat? Well, c'mon, aren't you gonna deny it?"

"No."

"Where's you get off on doing that to her, Dad, any of it? What's she ever done to you?"

"It's not about her. No, it's about that good-for-nothing husband of hers getting involved in things that don't concern him!"

He's clenching his teeth and I can see him get wound up like a spring right in front of me. I'll admit to a stirring of fear, but I push it aside.

"Sharon & Dennis cared about me Dad. Neighbourly concern, y'know? Nothing more than that. And it's still more than I ever got from you! That's not their fault. Dennis doesn't deserve to die for that. Sharon doesn't deserve to lose her husband- for God's sake, they nearly lost their baby because of you, because if what you've done to them!"

But his lined face is blank and motionless. He is unbelievable.

"How can you not care? How can you not be sorry?"

Still he says nothing, looking at me with those cold, unfeeling eyes. How can I ever kid myself that love ever resided there? He just blinks, like I'm utterly ludicrous.

"Say you're sorry Dad. Say it or so help me, I'll make you pay, like you made Sharon pay, like you made Dennis pay!"

"Never." he sneers. "They deserved everything they got."

"So Sharon deserved to be raped, Dennis deserved to find you both here? No! Y'know, over these past few weeks, I've had to accept that even as my dad, you are a lot of bad things. I just never though "rapist" could be one of them."

"You stupid, stupid little girl! I'm not- she agreed to it, 100%!"

"Of course she did!" I scream. "You'd threatened to kill her husband, leave her baby without its dad! She would have agreed to anything! That doesn't make you blameless, it never will!"

"Somehow, I think I'll sleep easy, don't worry."

"Oh I don't." I assure him coldly. "I gave up worrying about you a long time ago. It makes me sick to think that I... me and Scarlet might ever have been a part of you. We never deserved that. But maybe we've both had a lucky escape..."

And I know I've done it. Gone hurtling way over the line. But that's OK. Even as he storms over and strikes me hard across the face, sending me sprawling off balance and crashing to the floor. I can cry no tears, just savour the pain as I nurse my burning cheek. I look up at my father in disgust, my eyes as steely as his are clouded with immediate guilt.

"Oh... Ruby, baby... I'm- Daddy's so-"

I crawling across the floor, bucking away from his touch. I drag myself to my feet by climbing up the leg of the desk, most of my weight falling over the desk-phone. I lift the receiver and stab certainly at the keypad.

"Ruby? What... What are you doing? Put the phone down... we can talk-"

"I'll never want to talk to you. Ever. You're nothing to me anymore."

I see the terror in his eyes. And I know what he must have made Sharon feel, how it was that he forced into sacrificing her dignity for the love of her husband. I hope, somehow, I can give it her back.

"Police, please." 

I count away my dad's laboured, panicked breaths as I'm transferred to the service operator, who asks me to detail my emergency. Oh Dad, I hope this hurts. I hope it hurts like you hurt me, Scarlet & Mum for all those years, like you've hurt Sharon & Dennis. I won't let you hurt that baby in the same way. I won't.

"Hello... my name's Ruby Allen... and I need to report my father... Jonathan Allen. What for? For the indecent assault of my neighbour... Sharon Rickman..."  

19. Sharon

My tears won't stop falling. They slip down my face quietly, but still they fall. Here I am, a prisoner in a lonely bed, perhaps destined to be lonely forever. Because Dennis is gone. I know it. I just don't know how to except it, not when I am supposed to find the comfort in the rhythm of my child's heartbeat. It's clear and strong - everything I'm not. Because now, I'm a single mum. I never thought it'd have to be this way, not for anything. But the truth of it is, I'm alone. Back to fending for myself in the terror of this big, wide world and I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. I've been relying on Dennis for longer than I can bear to confess. And now I've forced him away. Oh, the tears come thicker and faster, playing like some miserable harmony against the baby's heartbeat.

I press my shaky hand over the monitoring strap, my lips twisting into an uncomfortable smile. For the baby, there is still some hope. Just not for me. I let my fear steal everything from me. I need my husband back. And the doctors and nurses seem to think he'll come back with some of my clothes; they've let me stay in my own clothes because it was easier to set up the fetal monitoring and cover my tummy if I wore a top and trousers rather than one of their gruesome hospital gowns. But I know different. I know he's not coming back.

I thought I had sacrificed our love to save the breath in his body. I was wrong, I was cheated. And now Dennis' every breath just exists to hate me, to take him further away. Because I don't think he'll ever be able to accept that I did what I did for the sake of his love, the love I know his child will have for him. He said, whether it was in anger or pain, that I should have just let Johnny come after him and save him the agony of my last betrayal. I thought I'd saved Dennis' life, but I think even now, he'd still prefer to be dead.

So I know I've lost him. I know he won't come back.

And I lie here, trapped on my back, made stiff by the mountain of pillows that prop me up when all I want to do is roll over to my side, curl up and cry like a baby.

A baby. My baby.

"Oh darlin'-" I whimper, running my thumb across the strap that somewhere underneath, this baby's heart beats, never willing to give up. Not like Mummy and Daddy. "-what's Mummy gone and done eh? What are we gonna do?"

My first hour as an estranged wife slipped by in a round of forms and being made to feel "comfortable". And now, according to the clock ticking treacherously away above the entrance doors to the ward, my second is almost gone, and I feel crushed. It's like I've lost a limb or something. I always thought, through all the pain and loss I've suffered through my life, that the one thing I was was a survivor. But I'm not. Because I found Dennis. And without him, oh God, nothing can make sense. He was my everything, he made me promises and I... I don't remember how to be alone. And I'm going to have to learn. Because that's what I am. Alone.

Except for this second heartbeat, alive inside me because of Dennis' love. How does one truly die without the other? Because the baby's hanging on, most definitely having inherited the Rickman defiance. I can turn my head heavily and watch the lines zipping up and down on the monitor for every beat he gives out.

No, not he, I remind myself, wiping at my eyes. She's a girl. She is. And she's a fighter.

"I just... I needed you to know your Daddy, angel. That's all. I never meant for it to cost us... you. You deserve better than Mummy can give. I just don't know how to do this alone..."

I force my eyes shut to stem the fresh wave of tears burning readily in my eyes, gasping miserably as a lump swells in my raw throat. My restless fingers grapple blindly for my other hand, pressed against my tummy, tracing the outline of my wedding ring on my finger. But I just cry harder. Because all the promises behind this ring, I made them shatter. It's gone.

Hearing the thud of something bulky against the floor, I flinch, my eyes snapping open involuntarily. And my breath gets caught in my throat. Because Dennis is stood there, just having lowered a bag onto the floor. And I don't know what to do, what to say. I don't know what's OK. And yet somehow, he finds it within himself to offer me the weakest smile as he straightens up.

"Clothes and stuff." he mumbles, nodding towards the bag.

It's all I can do to nod. "Right. Thanks."

"No problem."

I know it was. I can tell because his eyes look red and sore and his face is blotchy like his tears are barely dry. And just the idea that I made my darlin' cry...

"Are you... OK?" I manage anxiously.

He sputters. "Been better... y'know?"

I nod guiltily. But in the next awkward beat, we've both summoned the courage to speak at the same time.

"Sharon, look..."

"Dennis, I-"

And we're cut off, Dennis staring at the floor and me biting into my lip to shut myself up.

"Sorry."

Just that one word somehow manages to cut. Dennis apologising to me, after everything I've done. I want to wince, but force myself to shake my head instead and even that hurts. "No, I'm sorry, go on..."

He steps over the bag and settles himself on the chair by my bedside, leaning forward, shoulders hunched and fumbling with his hands. And it's then that I realise. His hands are bare.

"Where's- Where's your wedding ring?"

He doesn't even look up to answer me, speaks to the floor. "I took it off."

I bite harder into my lip. This.... It's all I deserved but God, my heart's breaking and now, especially now, I can't let it show. I can't cry in front of him.

"Here..." He inches out his hip and pulls it from his pocket.

But I shy away. "I don't want it. It's yours!"

"It was."

"Please-" I plead weakly. "Please don't be like this."

"Like what? What am I supposed to be like?"

And what's worse is the way he's speaking so softly. He doesn't sound angry, or like he'll become angry, even though I am well aware it's the one emotion that's not going to be leaving him for a long time. He sounds... like he cares.

"I... I gave you that ring for a reason... for a lot of reasons-"

"Yeah... and they're all gone."

"Are they? Just listen Dennis, tell me what you hear."

His gaze flickers instinctively to the monitor and he reads the jagged lines like they make some sort of blissful sense, his lips curving into a smile as he takes in the rhythm filling the room.

"Sounds... good, doesn't it?" I press nervously, wondering if he recognises the hope in the sound.

"Yeah." he murmurs. "Yeah, it does." And he pulls in an anxious breath. "He's OK then?"

"She's fine."

He throws me an odd look at my contradictory reply, his thin lips shifting to replicate my teasing smile and for a moment, just one moment, there's a fragile peace between us. Dennis for our son, and me for our daughter. Us, for this one child. Holding on, just to know us.

"I'm sorry." he blurts suddenly and I flinch in surprise.

"Wh-What?"

Steadily, he lifts his head, his piercing gaze level with mine.

"I'm so sorry."

I shake my head, trying to force away his words because I just can't comprehend them. "No. Don't say that, not to me, don't you dare!"

"I have to. I know that now."

"Dennis, no..." I whimper, well aware that my tears have been freed by the strangling guilt and that he can see them pulsing down.

"Yes." he nods certainly. "I've just been... going over and over it all and everything you've done... you've done because I made you think you had to..."

"No! You're not taking the blame for this... I won't let you! It was my choice, I did it. I did it thinking you'd never find out!"

"But I did..."

"And that's worse!" I protest, choking. "You know it is. I wanted to live through this marriage, lying to you all the time!"

"Yeah well..." he mumbles, toying with his wedding ring between fingers. "...what you don't know don't hurt you does it?"

"But I did hurt you, I hurt you in the worst possible way and that's... my choice. It's my fault you're gone."

"Gone? I'm right here..."

"Yeah, and for whose sake? Mine? The baby's? Or is it just for the sake of my toothbrush and a change of clothes?"

Dennis' face darkens and my stomach lurches in fear. But then I remember I've already lost him. I need to learn how to be strong on my own.

"You're unbelievable. You think this was easy for me? I didn't wanna come back here Sharon. But I have because I didn't wanna keep running either. I've got a kid on the way, I've got responsibilities. To him, and to you!"

"Why?" I push. "Because I'm the one that's gotta get through this pregnancy, through childbirth... through being a single mum?"

"No!" he cries out irritably. "Why are you making this so damn hard?" His eyes search my face for a response, but I find that I have none. "You said I made the baby right? For you... for us. And I did. I didn't do it just to get up and leave when times got hard, I'm not that spineless. You're never gonna be a single mum, Sharon, cos I'm never gonna be a weekend dad. The baby deserves more than that, and why can't it have it if we can give it?"

"I don't understand what you're saying." 

"I'm saying I wanna be there for every second. We've been through so much but the point is, we got through it. Together. We can't give up now."

"I thought you had?"

"I had." he confesses guiltily, nodding towards the floor. "But... if I coulda just... left Allen alone, not been so damn smug about... everything falling around him then he... he'd never have touched you... you'd never have..."

"It's not your fault."

"Isn't it? I'm supposed to be your husband. I swore I was gonna... look after you, protect you and I didn't. I couldn't even stop it. And then I... in the playground-"

"Shhh!" I beg, not ashamed to do so in my desperation. "It doesn't matter. We're OK aren't we, the baby and me?"

"But that's not the point is it? I almost lost everything. I was gonna let it go, I was gonna let him win. I can't let that happen Sharon, I can't. Cos even now... we're still better than that." 

"You reckon?" I whisper hopefully, my heart still painfully heavy with disbeliving.

"Yeah. I do. And I... God, I just wanna forget it. I just wanna remember us, me and you... like we were."

"But can you do that? Really?"

"I don't know." he returns honestly, his lip quivering shamefully as he looks at me. "But I wanna try. Just give me the chance to try."

I want to sag with the relief, but I don't move, can't even manage to smile as I would wish to. There's just one thought that forces me to speak.

"I can't go back on what we were, Dennis."

"Then what the hell do you want?"

Biting back my sadness at the pain of his tone, I cautiously drop my hand over his, stroking his bare fingers. "I... I want my husband back."

Tentatively, Dennis smiles, a smile I can tell in his wounded eyes he means. I dare to breathe. And as his fingers lock through mine, holding my hand defiantly, I dare to return his smile. Better, I dare to hope.

"Then I guess we better do something with this...?"

He uncurls the hand that holds his wedding ring.

"Are you sure?"

"Well... we've hardly filed the divorce papers have we?"

I giggle nervously through my tears, dislodging our hands as he presses the ring into my other. Bowing my head, I splay his fingers, sliding the ring onto his third. Then he curls his hand around mine and I raise my gaze to his again, exchanging hopeful smiles.

"This is gonna be really hard isn't it?"

"Yeah." he laughs weakly, not prepared to even humour me with a lie. "But whatever I did Sharon, whatever I said, this... I know it's worth it. So we're just gonna have to take our lead from the baby aren't we?"

"Be strong..."

"Hang on in there..."