Always, All Ways
(Apologies, Glances & Messed Up Chances)

Sharon,

Let me be honest with you darlin'. Please, just this one time. I'm rat-arsed. I admit it. I've gotten so wasted just sitting here, wishing away another night thinking about you, that I can barely see the pen I'm holding in my hand, let alone be sure I'm holding it straight enough to write. Not that I know how. To write that is. I don't do letters. Never have, unless you count those couple I wrote Vicki from prison. I don't. Cos they were empty words back then. And I'm so fuckin' sick of being empty.

I miss you y'know. I miss you so much, I feel ill and I swear that's not just the drink talking. I wake up in the night thinking you'll be lying next to me, and when I realise you're not, I feel really cold. I miss everything about you darlin'. And yet I know that it's my own bloody fault you're not here. I got played for a fool. When I swore I'd never let it happen again, that you were everything to me. And you still are, you know that right? Please darlin' you have to believe me, no matter what's gone on. Since you left, oh God, I just don't know who I've been without you.

I've tried calling you, but I guess my name comes up on the screen and you pretty much wanna throw your phone across the room. I always let it ring through to your voicemail, just to hear your voice. Does that make me pathetic? It's just, I'm so scared I'm gonna forget you. And if that even starts to happen, then I've got fuck all left. I need you, Sharon. I do. I never meant to hurt you.

I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry
But it always comes out wrong

And even now, I can't really make sense of how that happened. All I wanted was to hold on to you, escape somewhere where we wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I just wanted to be us; a proper couple, y'know? And I know that, then, that was all you wanted too. And you don't know how scared I am everything's gonna have changed since you've been gone. I know you believed in us, but what if that's just sent you the other way, desperate to forget it? Please, remember Sharon, please. I said forever and that means we're not done.

I mean, we've managed to wake up every day, apart and I bet you've been forcing your smiles, like you did the day you left. I can't believe I forced you away like that. Well, I didn't. I didn't, I never meant to. But you think I had no choice, and wherever you are now, still with Vicki maybe, I bet everyone says you're being really brave, moving on with your life. And I'm here, begging you not to. Because I know you loved me darlin', I know it hurts you to realise you dared when you're waking up with nothing. Except... I still love you. And that has to mean something. Whatever you're telling everyone around you to get through every day, I don't believe you could ever really let go.

I think a part of you still loves me
Even though we're moving on.

Cos if you had, I've got this... crazy idea that I mighta felt something you know, like, got a pain or something the moment you decided? And realised. And at least tried to get you out my head. But you won't leave. Because I said forever, and even though you're not here, that's how long you're gonna stay.

Always, all ways, I wanted us to be
Always, all ways, you and me.

Forever.

Except now I know that if I don't find you, this is all forever can be. And I hate it. Because it's nothing and I wanted to give you the world. I don't know how I woulda even started, but if you'd been there then.... God, I woulda found a way. Except now I'm all alone and without the strength to try. Cos there's no-one to understand what it feels like to have your heart ripped out the way you and me did that day. I felt it the second you moved, crying into my arms. And I wonder if you're still crying for us, cos I'd give anything to hold you again, baby,

And with that, I'm wishing tears on you. Don't hate me for that. I'm just... lost. I only ever made sense when I had you. And now I don't. It's like, there's no point. It don't matter whether I'm stone cold sober or out of my head, I still spend every second looking round for you, hoping that somehow you're gonna have become selfish overnight and come back to me. But I've yet to even think I've seen you.

And I'll wait here on my own
I'll wait for you to see
All the time I've spent alone now won't comfort me

I'm lonely without you darlin'. I'm so damn lonely, I'm sick. or maybe that's just a genetic trait eh? Maybe I'm just destined to keep on screwin' up, and hurting you. But do you see... that it only hurts because we love each other. Whatever anyone says or tries to do, me and you were meant. And when it's as strong as that, so damn consuming, it's not supposed to die away. I know I'm meant to love you.

Always, all ways

But I just don't know how to tell you what's gone on. Even though this is just some illegible ramble you'll probably never read anyway because right now, I can't remember Michelle's address and if I sent it back to Walford, I've got no doubt Den'll pounce on it and tear every pissin' word into shreds in the blender or somethin'. I wish he'd tried to understand. Then I'd never have lost you in the first place. And then I'd never have thought hooking up with Zoe was a good idea. Well, not a good idea, but... a way to get over you. I can't believe I ever thought I could. You always knew didn't you baby? You knew I'd come back, too damn weak to be without you. I'm dying here Sharon, I really am.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I could never make Den understand that I meant it when I said I loved you. I'm sorry I was too weak to hold on. But maybe my apologies just don't matter anymore. Cos you still felt you had to go away right? Couldn't watch me screw up some innocent little kid's life when you... when you couldn't say the kid was yours. Well then, let me break the good news to you darlin'. Except, it ain't good, cos it was only ever meant to tear us apart. It's done that alright - and what if you never come back?

There was no baby Sharon. It turns out I was true to you, if that means anything now. I never got Zoe pregnant. But your dad might have. That was their plan see, his revenge for you choosing to go off to America rather than stay with him and watch me make like I was happy with Zoe across the Square. He was sleeping with Zoe. Our little brother or sister woulda been keeping us apart darlin', growing up, calling me Daddy. I've never.... ever known anything so desperate. And as I saw 'em there, all I could think of was you, how much it woulda hurt you to see them there like that. Cos me, I felt nothing. I just wanted you.

Except there's a conviction scratched into my bastard police record keeping me from coming after you for God knows how many more years. And I'd give anything to change who it is I was, just so that I might get on a plane and stand in front of you. That in itself would amaze me. And after that, God, I'd get down on my knees and beg you back if it would work. I'd do anything for you. For us. Because you belong to me. I can't let you go.

And I'm sorry for what happened
But I want you now to see
That I'm changing all my actions
I don't wanna set you free.
Always, all ways, I wanna see it through
Always, all ways, you and me.

I'm so sick of being alone. I need you so much. I hate what I am without you. I'm an excuse. Hiding away. I don't even know how long it's been since we were last together anymore, in any kind of way. I can't remember how long ago it was since you looked at me in a way that said you loved me as much as I love you. A little bit more every day and it hurts to realise you might not know that because they made me break your heart. So I'm telling you now. Hoping that it might still mean something. Praying you might still want me as much as I want you.

And I'll wait here on my own
I'll wait for you to see
All the time I've spent alone now won't comfort me

Do you hate me for hoping you haven't dared move on? Or are you there, missing me, not knowing how to tell Vicki because you think... you think I'm building a family without you. I could never do that. Ever. Vicki's my family and she must know what you mean to me. You're the one Sharon, you are. And I know you might not believe me because so far, I haven't even managed to put down one word and let you know I still care. This is me, trying to tell you I do. I love you.

And as long as I never hear you say you won't come back to me, I'll keep on living this wasted life, hoping you will. I'm never gonna give up on that hope. Cos I believe in you, I still believe in what was between us, darlin'. Please don't say it's gone.

'Cause I'm waiting for you
Yeah, I'm waiting for you.

I just wanna make you happy Sharon. That's all I ever wanted, the only idea that's ever felt right to me. You're the only thing that ever felt right to me and without you, without us, there's nothing. And I'm begging you not to make me live like that. I need you back. I just can't imagine never seeing you, touching you, tasting your kisses. They're mine. You can't just take 'em away. I need 'em. I need you.

Give me answers, get me through

Tell me it hasn't changed darlin', please. Say you're still mine. 

I will wait
Always, all ways.

Because I won't give up. However long it takes, however long I have to wait for you, I'm gonna give you forever.

Love,

Dennis

xxxxx