Every Beat Of My Heart

As a hard rain beats down in the night, it sounds like applause
Still, I can't hear a sound with the beat of my heart

You brought him home today. Our son. I'll never be able to explain what it did to me inside to see you there with him in your arms, honey. You don't know how much I wanted to call out to you both as I stood there, in a strange room full of lots of smiling Vickis in garish photo frames. I so nearly did it. And then I remembered. You won't hear me. I'm resigned to that now, without any choice. But oh, I hate it, heart as heavy and still as it has been these last six months. I wanted to give you a fanfare, yell from the rooftops how proud I am of you for bringing something so precious into the world so safely. My mouth was dry. I should be able to give you so much, Sharon and there's nothing.

This should have been the proudest moment of your life, of ours together. And yet as you cradled him, shivering still against the cold of the wind and rain that poured and thrashed outside despite all your damnedest efforts to protect him as I knew you'd give your every waking moment to doing now, oh Sharon, you looked so sad.

I miss you too. I miss you so much, it- it kills me. It was what killed me. In the end. Knowing I had to leave you when I loved you so much... you and the baby. Baby Dennis. Why'd you have to go and do that, Sharon? Huh? You don't need to replace what's still here, baby. And I am. I'm three feet away from you right now, ripped open with the agony of knowing your misty eyes will always see straight through me now. I miss the love in your eyes. I miss it so bad.

They said I could stay away. I coulda watched your life play out without me through the hazy distance of the bastard dimension that separates us now. I refused. I knew I had to be as close to you as I could possibly be. And that wasn't just my own selfish need. It was the fear. Because I knew, in that last damning second, hearing you break your precious heart as you screamed out for me not to leave you, that you had lost your faith in me. Because I was gone right? Never coming back? No, darlin'. I've never had the guts to leave. I didn't promise you forever not to live it out here with you and our miracle. I can't let you doubt me, especially not now he's here.

"You need to get your coat off, Sharon. Get yourself warm." Vicki whispers, her own shuddery voice sounding so much like it'll soon shatter. I've sat on the edge of her bed in a few dark and lonely nights here, listening to her cry herself raw. And I can't say a word, even when I miss her so much, my little baby sister. All I can do is listen, and Sharon, I always hear you. Crying softly into your stained pillow, swallowing down painful lumps in your throat. And every night, you'll sob my name. But now, you look all out of will to do anything at all. I'm sorry.

You barely hear Vicki for a minute. "Oh..." you whisper, sounding tired and... apologetic, biting into your lip as you realise your teeth are chattering, giving your state away. "I-" And you gaze down into our bundle of blue blankets and I see it. I see one of those painful lumps press against your throat. And your beautiful eyes are so dim. There's no love. Sharon, that's our little boy... have I really hurt you so bad?

"Give him 'ere."

You go rigid as Vicki reaches for him. You don't trust her. You don't mean to, but... he's just something else to lose isn't he?

But you know you can't keep shuddering like that, step back and peel off your sodden coat, heavily splattered with the rain. But your eyes never leave them. They're safe darlin', really. I'm here now.

Vicki holds him close, her arms seemingly strong and protective. She moves gently from side to side, rocking him. I carefully step round the coffee table to stand behind her. Her back tenses and I have to take an anxious step back, wondering if she knows I'm there. Sometimes, I really think she does. I wish you would too, but I guess you can't bear to let yourself feel me there beside you, and what choice have I got but to accept that? But Vicki... she always seems to talk about me, sometimes to me when no-one else but me will ever hear her. I don't think she dares, too afraid of hurting you, or worse herself, should she be told the most agonising thing of all. That I'm gone - that I'll never hear her.

But I know she isn't ready to believe that, so I relax into her closeness, wishing I could just put my arms around her. But I can do nothing except stand, glancing over her shoulder and looking, for the first time, into the face of my newborn son. 

Oh Sharon, do you really understand how impossibly beautiful he is? He looks so much like you... he's got your nose, eyelashes I know you'd kill for. It's hard to believe that something so perfect really is part of me too. I hardly deserve him, not knowing the sadness that takes you when you look at him. I never wanted to hurt you, y'know. Oh you must. I wanted to be here, to tell you...

"Is he OK?"

You appear beside me, sidling up to Vicki to reach across and stroke down his cheek, pink with warmth, with life, with your own fingertip, tinged with the blue of cold. You startle him and his eyes, not even of their own will it seems, spring open. Oh, and what eyes. Striking blue, already with the fleckles of emerald present that say he's going to have my eyes. Mine. And they're fixed upon me. Well and truly fixed. He doesn't cry, he doesn't blink. He just looks at me - as if he really sees me.

"Hello son..." I whisper, feeling the fiercest swell of love rise from my chest as my eyes moisten. With tears of happiness I'll never cry. 

"Looks that way." Vicki tells Sharon quietly, a loving smile curving her wind-beaten lips. "Doesn't it, Dennis?"

"That's us mate." I explain to my son, reaching round Vicki to touch him as you have just done my darlin'.

And then I remember.

I can't.

And that hurts. But there is something I need to say, if only you can bring yourself to hear me. I look across at you, so close and yet never further away and I'm relieved to see that... small leaping flames that finally tell of your love of our son... they warm your eyes. And you look so beautiful. What I'd give to tell you that. But it's just another one of those things you'll need to know for sure isn't it? Like this;

"I'm so proud of you, Sharon. I love you."

I can't help myself. I do as I always would, as I did when we were last together in Pauline Fowler's kitchen. I bow my head and kiss your exposed neck. I'm not thinking. I don't understand why I can't taste your sweet skin. I don't understand why I can't smell your sugary perfume. But instinctively I wait, just a second, to hear you say it back. You always do. "I love you too, darlin'. But you're still and silent. Then I remember. There are no words left for you to hear. We have no moments left together for you to feel. 

I can't pick up that phone anymore and I need to confess
If I don't say "I love you", everything else is a waste of my breath

You think you're all alone now. You really believe I've loved you this fiercely, this desperately, just to leave you. Oh Sharon, why can't you tell me you know that's not right? Don't you know what I'd give to come back to you, to our family?

Every beat of my heart I would give!
Every beat of my heart, just to live!

I'm nothing without either of you, and nothing is precisely what I never wanted to be. Why do you think I choose to torture myself like this, knowing that you and me will never speak, or touch? I miss everything we had so much. I spend every day here feeling utterly sick with frustration. Surely you know how much I've always needed you? You're my everything. You're the reason I was ever forced to carry the burden of a soul. I didn't know that until we met and I wasn't all that sure until the first time you looked me and said you loved me. In three words, my darlin', you completed me. You're my soulmate and believe me, I felt you being torn away from me that final night. It's the separation of two people so truly meant that ends it, Sharon, because it's something we could never want. I coulda survived a thousand blades for your love, Sharon. But there is a power out there stronger than what we have baby, and you'll never know how much I hate it because I was never given the chance to fight my way back to you. I woulda done it. I woulda raised Hell to live this with you. But there's no choice anymore.

You did all you could. In those last moments, knowing what was gonna happen to me, to us and hardly knowing how I'd live through it in this Hellish place without you, you gave me everything and I'll always love you for that. If I try really hard, I can block out the sound of your tears, your heartbroken screams. And I feel your arms around me. It makes me ache because I miss it so much. But I can forget everything. The cold, unforgiving ground, the pain, the uncertainty, just to know I had you there, loving me just like you swore you would.

Til death do us part...

You gave me my very last comfort darlin'. You held me in your arms. There was no better place.

I live for your love and all that I want is to die in your arms
I'll give you every beat of my heart.

And I wish there was someone I could make you see. But there's nothing anymore. Life is almost too cruel for lovers.

"Sharon?" Vicki raises, gaze locked questioningly on you, my beautiful wife. But you... you've barely heard her, a little pre-occupied. And when she realises this, she frowns in concern that I too feel so anxiously. How I wish you could tell me what the matter is baby. "What's the matter?"

You smile softly, gently shaking your head. Then you raise your hand, your wedding ring, the ring I gave you, so determined to make you mine forever, still shiny and new looking on your finger. We'd have been married nearly a year now. And I hate I haven't been able to give you all the moments a wife should have to enjoy. Have I failed you... our marriage? Because I meant every word I said that day. You will always be my whole world. And maybe you knew that eh? Because I'm not here to force you to wear my promises on your finger anymore. But you're still doing it. Maybe you do still believe in me.

You stroke across the back of your neck, your fingertips dancing across the spot where my neglected lips touched you for the first time in so long.

"Oh... nothing. I've got this- I thought I felt.... oh Vicki, it doesn't matter, does it?"

But it does, baby. Because in those words, don't you see how it matters to me, to us?

"You... You felt that? Sharon!"

But you don't blink, my effect is lost. Please... Please, you have to know it was me. I'm here. I've never dared leave my darlin'.

There's nothing I can do though. I move back around, I stand right in front of you, close enough so I might kiss the tip of your nose, covered with the freckles I so adore - but just like before, your gorgeous eyes, warmer, more consoled now, see right through me. I want to shake you in frustration, but now I'm too terrified to touch you. I stand there, more tortured than ever as you take our baby back into your arms and settle with him on the couch. Vicki goes off to make you a well earned cup of tea, with extra sugar and a plateful of your favourite chocolate digestives, and it's all I can do to sit on the wide arm-rest of the couch and watch, falling in love with you... with him.

You sit like you always do, your foot curled up beneath you, the other leg curled up towards you. And you hold our son in an embrace of iron. I know no harm's gonna come to him as long as he's with you, and oh, I wish I was. You coo and you simper over our perfect creation like any new mother should. You still shiver a little, like you can't be sure of your adaquecy as his mum, or the all consuming intensity with which you can't help but love him. But you don't need to be afraid, darlin'. Dennis Junior's innocent in ways his dad never was. He'll never break your heart the way I did. All he needs is all I ever did - to be loved so completely by you. And just like with me, I know you won't be able to help yourself.

"Your daddy would be so proud of you, Dennis."

"I am."

"He loved you so much..."

"I do."

But as the tears come gently from your eyes, as if they tried hard to keep themselves back and save you yet more pain, I know you didn't hear me. And all I heard in turn was how, having to train yourself to say everything in the past tense as you speak of me has hurt, is still so hard. If it wasn't for the lump in my own throat, I'd be screaming out at you never to let me go, or push me back. I need to be real to my son. I need, however selfish it is, to hear you speak of me like you still need me, like you'll always need me.

Vicki comes back into the room, your tea and your chocolate disgestives held in each hand. She lays them down on the coffee table but at the same time, she sees precisely what I see. How tired you look. And I wish I could just drop down beside you, hold you in my arms and let you sleep like you must so badly need to. But I can't. It's up to Vicki to take care of you now. But we've both always known how much you hate that so Vicks probably goes about it in the best way she possibly could.

She straightens up and looks tactfully at you. "He should probably... go down now right?"

You concede with a slight nod, not able to keep back your sigh of defeat, cos of course, you know what she's really trying to say. "Yeah, probably."

"D'you want me to-?"

"No, I can-" But you, stil so headstrong when so tired, finally accept help, nodding more firmly now as you smile. "Thanks."

"No problem. You enjoy the biccies!" our little sister beams, carefully scooping Dennis from your arms. You see, you do have to trust her. You both need her and you know she's always needed you. But Vicki seems still as he settles against her. "Oh Sharon..." she says, in the softest gasp of delight. "...I can't believe how much he looks like-"

Me.

"He's his father's son, Vicki." you say lovingly, pulling your foot out from beneath you and wincing at the way it tingles, like you always do as soon as you get up.

"Yeah. They'd... suit each other wouldn't they?"

And you blink steadily, really lost in the thought that question evokes. "Yeah." you say at last, voice quivering. "Yeah, they would."

Vicki's seen the way your eyes have misted, and bites regretfully at her dull lips, nodding to herself sadly as she leaves the room. 

You get up, following Vicki's exit path and you close the door, breathing a heavy sigh of relief as it clicks shut, leaving the two of us alone. I see the tears sparkling in your eyes, but you try and force them away, blinking furiously as you stand back against the door, rigid. You try and smile. But it isn't true. And darlin', it should be. This is a special day.

The first fat, miserable tears rolls down your cheek, followed by another. I can see the threat of a sob in your throat and I will you not to give into it.

"Oh... Dennis!" 

You seem to be scolding the ceiling as you murmur my name so sadly. And more than ever, I need you to know I'm here. It hardly matters you won't see me, hear me, I can simply fool myself as I get up and stand so that my butchered body might cover yours.

"What? I'm right here baby, tell me, what d'you need?"

"I need you with me, you selfish bastard." you splutter back, wiping miserably at your streaming eyes with your hand. 

And my useless stomach tightens with a new nausea. My jaw begins to ache as I fight off the smile. You heard me, I know you did. 

"And I wanna be with you someplace that don't just have to exist in my head!"

As I whisper your name, I wish you were here by my side
But the only way that I find you is when I close my eyes

Anger fires in your eyes and burns right through me. Then I know. You could look all around this room, convinced you see me, and you'd be looking in the wrong direction, towards the wrong wall. But why look at all if you're not sure I'm here? You know. I'm with you. I always have been.

But as you bring in your next shallow breath, you splutter on that merciless sob, pushing yourself with a desperate gasp away from the door and with it, away from me. You sink heavily back against the couch, pushing the plate of biscuits away wordlessly. You sit forwards, your shaking hands clasped tight together.

"I miss you. I still miss you so much."

I smile painfully at the way you sound so irritated at yourself for not hurting any less all this time later. But darlin', I have an eternity now, I'll spend it alone and I know I'll never come to terms with how much it hurts to miss you.

"Me too, honey..." I murmur, sitting down beside you.

But you laugh bitterly, your whole chest shuddering as you shake your head dismissively. "Oh, I can hear you y'know. "I miss you too, Sharon!" But you don't know how much it hurts, being here without you, having Dennis here without you! Why'd you have to leave us, punish us? Is it me? Was I- Did I not love you enough... was I a bad wife, what?"

"No! Sharon, you were the best-"

But you're not listening to me, baby, and why should you eh? Sniffling back the tears that carry on falling, you start twisting your wedding ring, loosening it from your finger. And you mustn't. We never said this'd be over! With no thought in my head other than how I refuse to lose my marriage with you, my soulmate, I reach for your hand and squeeze your fingers as tight as I can. And to touch you, it's like raging fire. It hurts, it isn't right. But I can't stop. I force your fingers together, which blanch as the blood drains away. You shiver, like my touch upon your skin is ice. That'd make some cruel sense. That's all it could have felt like the last time we touched. That lost, last touch I'll never know. 

Your fingers apparantly stiff with cramp, you have to give up, you have to push your wedding ring back down to the base of your finger, just like I did, with such pride the day I married you. You must know I'll never let you remove it, Sharon. You're my wife, my world. You think this stops you belonging to me? Nothing changes who is meant baby. And that's what we are. You knew that once. Don't give up on us now. Hold on.

With my ring on your finger, I hope and I pray
That you know, deep in your soul, with every step that you take
Every beat of my heart I would give!

"No..." you whisper in resignation to yourself, stroking lovingly across the band. "I'll never do without you, will I Dennis? I've always needed you too damn much!"

Every beat of my heart, just to live
I live for your love and all that I want is to die in your arms
I'll give you every beat of my heart.

You begin to cry desperately, hiding in the screen of your hands for the moments when the worst of your tears fall. You're tearing at an already destroyed soul here, darlin', you were never supposed to know pain like it. And oh, thank God, you apparantly refuse to. You get up again and move shakily over to the sideboard to open the left compartment, yanking the door out towards yourseld before reaching in with trembling, searching hands. 

It's the little things that you do that make me want you more
It's the way your hands are trembling and what they're trembling for

I catch a glimpse of red, of a smile in the big, thin frame you withdraw. You hold it carefully in your hands, stroking across the smooth surface of the glistening edges, tilting the photograph to the dim light. And I realise in an instant what I'm looking at. It's our favourite photo of our wedding day. We choose it to put up in the flat as soon as we moved in. I remember, sliding your first scan picture into the edge of that frame, proud to tell the world there were gonna be three Rickmans now. And it's still there, just as I put it. The grainy scan picture, nothing more than white blobs, like I said. But precious white blobs, white blobs that represented everything we needed to know. But I always knew I needed more than the six days I was given. I need to be here, now... our baby son snuggled into my arms as I sit beside you.

I don't want to be the one that has to hurt you like this. I wanna be the perfect husband. I wanna be able to promise hundreds more days that can make you smile the way our wedding day did. But it's not up to me anymore, sweetheart. You'll just have to trust in Junior.

I'm mesmerised by the way you're looking at the photos as you settle down beside me again. You smile as you carefully pluck out the scan picture, tracing out the blobs with your fingertips. Then you giggle, the sweetest sound I have heard in so long.

"Well, we've definitely done it now, Dennis. Junior's here. Upstairs asleep. Congratulations Daddy."

"Oh... oh Sharon, don't cry... you know I-"

"You hate it when I cry." you say simply, nodding as you stroke the latest droplets away. "I'm sorry Dennis. It's just... sometimes, it's like I've forgotten how to stop. I get so scared. That I'll forget how you speak, how you laugh, what you look like. It's why I named the baby what I did. I know... you probably hate it-"

"I don't hate it..."

"-but I want our son to be just like you. Cos you... you're perfect to me-" You claw back your lip, which trembles as you look back down at the photograph. And finally, darlin', I see it. The love in your eyes as you murmur, fixated with my image, just as I have always been with yours. "So gorgeous..." Pushing out an emotional sigh between your glossy, quivering lips, you press the photograph to your chest, your arms crossed protectively across the back of the frame. "I just wish I could hold you... like I used to. Not like last time. I wanna hold you and I don't ever wanna have to let you go. I won't do it Dennis. I won't. You're mine... forever..."

The way that smile fits on your lips, the way you hold me tight

"I know. And I... I never want to let go Sharon, alright? I love you."

You fold completely over the photo frame, holding it so tight your hands whiten and I have no choice but watch you in your beautiful misery, tears pouring down in what you think is your last chance to have me close. But as you speak, I will live forever blissful in this lonely torture, just to know you have choked out those words.

"I love you too my darlin'."

You know I'm here Sharon. And you know I'll never leave. I'm never going anywhere without you.

God knows, I'd give everything to be in your arms tonight