Fallen

Part 1: Going Under

I sit in the darkness; all alone. Cars rumble softly past the window, but the noise swims into my ears without so much as a blink of recognition. Too normal, too wrong. So wrong when I have fucked it all up. I push down harder on my knuckles until they crack loudly, driven only by the resentment for myself. I am curled up underneath the window ledge, my legs drawn up to my chest as I shiver like a weak pathetic child.

I don't want to cry, and yet the bastard tears come from my eyes like waterfalls. I'm bawling like a baby. I want to stay high up there, where it is impossible to have worries, to screw up your life so spectacularly as I have while I am down here. Up. Away. Free. I need speed and I shittin' well need it now! 

But do I have any money? I scrunch my fist angrily.  Piss off do I.

Do I have a number for Guy Thomas anymore? I slam my fist into the wall. Do I shit!

And for all that, there's only one person I can blame. 

Sharon.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you.
And still you won't hear me.
I'm going under.

Stupid stupid bitch had to come and save me didn't she? She had to have her influences, she had to change me, make me better. Make me capable of loving her. And God I do, I love her so much, but I hate her, really really hate her with every wasted breath I expel.

If she had just left me; kept looking at me with that contempt in her eye, never tried to give me a civil word, I'd have left Walford so long ago, tripped and drunk myself into an early grave. Content there. No-one cared before Sharon. No-one.

The small worn photograph of my mum I've kept with me ever since I was 16 lies at my feet torn in half. Not even my own mother gave a toss. I look around me, the moonlight bouncing off the warm orange walls, where Den's photograph is propped up in a frame on the sideboard, and another sob tears through me. My dad didn't either. So why was I here at all? Again, I came straight back to Sharon. Nothing, absolutely nothing had been good in my life before her.

And now that's gone too. The look on her face... "Go to Zoe and have your dream with her. Because I can't have children Dennis. Ever."

But even looking at Zoe after that made me want to be sick. My dreams... with her? Never. But Sharon had shoved me back, back to an idle "relationship".... sex, basically, with that bastard James, telling me she didn't want me. Yet, her last words to me were;

"You know I loved you. I still do."

And with that, I was meant to return to Zoe, pretend that everything was OK. It couldn't be! Never again! So I'd come here, sat alone in the empty house, knocking back a whole bottle of whisky I found in the kitchen without a second's thought. The pain as I swallowed didn't matter. This was it. Not even the person who had openly admitted to loving me could let herself give a damn anymore. All alone now.

Don't want your hand this time; I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once.
Not tormented daily; defeated by you,
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again.

Yet the more the realisation hit that the only woman I'd ever loved didn't trust herself to be with me anymore, the more I realised I needed her. 

Shaking still as a result of the bitter wind that sweeps in through the open window, making the curtains billow about me as I crouch on the floor, I slurp more whiskey from my glass before pulling myself with much effort to my feet and wandering aimlessly across the room. I dully admire the photos lining the sideboard, picking up the one from the Valentine's Ball. A genuine smile was upon my face just for that brief moment as Sharon looked adoringly up at me. In that one immortalised moment, I had loved her so much. Besotted, infatuated-

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under.

Abandoned.

And with a devestated yell that breaks the falsified silence I have built myself, I hurl the photograph with all my might across the room; gaining little satisfaction at hearing it shatter into a million pieces on the floor. I go, and start to pick up the largest of the shards. I hold the first one I lift from the floor in my palm like a child I must protect with my life. My hand curls around it, tighter and tighter, my knuckles whitening with the pressure. I barely wince as the sharp edges of the shard cut into my tired flesh. The warmth of the scarlet liquid seeps slowly onto my palm, around the form of the glass and the bitter stinging that sets in, calming my unease at myself.

Hot tears still pulse down my face, but inside I feel calmer, mezmerized almost as I uncurl my hand and the moonlight catches the glint of scarlet so beautiful. I rest the shard on my knee and lift my hand to examine the wound. Then I run my stained palm along my cheek, feeling the blood leave the wound and mark my face, savouring the feeling of salty tears touching wound.

Quivering with an excitement similar to that which would have been offered by the hefty amounts of snow I crave to numb the pain, I take the shard in my uninjured hand and run it gently across my wrist, barely touching my flesh, yet still following the path woven by my veins.

I take a deep breath and retrace my path, digging the edge of the glass into my flesh harder, deeper. Carving, releasing it with each journey across previously unmarked skin. Anticipation stirs inside me; waiting, willing the blood to come to the surface, for my pain to present itself. It bubbles at first. More, need to get more out. And so I carve at myself with the shard of glass, many like it littered at my feet. This one however is chosen, trails of blood already smeared across it... Adrenaline pulses through me quicker and stronger than any fix I could have scored myself from Guy. It spurs me on, til streams of blood gush down my arms, warm, welcoming, wanted like the tears that scurry down my face, weeping for all I have lost tonight.

Still I cut deeper. That, I hiss viciously to myself, is for bringing Den back into your bloody life Rickman.

And that is for shacking up with Zoe, you prick!

The first of my blood splatters on the floor as I saw at my wrist. This is for losing Sharon. I hope you burn in Hell Dennis.

I can only envisage her face, her beautiful eyes wide. It makes me cry harder. I feel broken. My arms are sore, stinging and weeping, but the rest of me aches for her to hold me, to tell me there is still hope for the both of us. Otherwise I am empty, have nothing, and will make damn sure I die here tonight. 

Blurring and stirring the truth with the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore.
I'm dying again.

I pause, falling back on the floor, holding my head in my blood-stained hands and hurling the glass weakly away. The adreanline has died away and has been replaced by a misery deeper and darker than anything I have ever felt before. I take my phone from the back of my jeans and as I scroll through my phone book, I take deep breaths, trying to disguise the fact I am still crying desperately.

The phone rings four times. each seeming laboriously long as I snivel to myself, murmuring; "I need you. I need you."

"Dennis?"

Hearing her soft voice at the end of the line; I can just picture her. Sat at the desk in the office at the club, a big glass of wine that is half-drained and has just the faintest imprint of her lipstick around the rim; a stack of totally incomplete stock lists in front of her. She sounds tired and I hear her sigh, envisage her pulling her hand through messed blonde hair.

"Sharon...." I whisper weakly, not daring to speak at any volume should she pick up on the despair concealed in my voice. "I..... I nee-"

"Dennis?" she asks, sharper this time. "Darlin', are you crying?"

She raises the question with surprise, as if I should never express emotion. I only whimper to answer her.

"Sharon.... I can't.... it doesn't- darlin', I need yo-"

But the line clicks dead. Shit, she's gone! Agression ripples through me, hate for myself, everything I've fucked up during this miserable existence of mine; how I managed to throw away the only real love I have ever experienced like it meant nothing when it meant everything. Crazed, I snatch up more glass from the floor and drive deeper and deeper groves into my arms, anywhere where I can release my blood and with it, my pain, my chance to not live a moment longer and screw up my life any further.

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under.

My head starts to swim, concentrating only on the feel of my blood trickle madly across my arm, run off to the floor. My arm dyed anyway by the release on the crimson liquid, the moonlight dancing along the new paths of angry split, weeping wounds.  I slump back again, only this time with no power to hold myself upright and I hit the floor among my own streams of blood. I land with an uncomfortable force that feels as if it bruises my spine. I feel my surroundings slide further away.... the rumble of cars on the street outside.... the sound of a key in the lock.... Sharon's voice.... panicked.... so far away.

"Shit! Dennis, baby.... what have you done?"

Her touch as she lifts me into her lap.... feels like a memory....

She lifts my arm, blood still running down, lots.... warm, comforting.... and she screams. A horrible sound. Am sorry. But am too far away.... back up there.... so nearly there with no place to worry. And yet, I want her to stop. I want her to be happy.

So go on and scream
Scream at me, I'm so far away.
I won't be broken again.
I've got to breathe;
I can't keep going under.

Part 2: Bring Me to Life

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul.
My soul sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

The next thing I am aware of is a vigorous slapping sensation against my cheeks. I open my eyes to the same dim surrounding, although much closer now as they bathe in the moonlight. Sharon's eyes are caught in the same light, brightened also, although widened with worry as I had imagined them earlier, and I wonder whether I am dreaming or not. As if reading my mind, she shakes her head slightly, as if to say "this is no dream darlin'", and her hair tickles my cheek. I lift my arm to try and catch the ends of her hair in my finger tips, but the pain results in the foolish movement is hot and searing, so I lower it to my side again, wincing, finally feeling the pain, again aware of trickling blood.

"Keep your eyes open sweetheart;" she murmurs weakly, a terror present in her words. "Please, just stay with me."

I manage to lift my heavy head a fraction and watch Sharon as she sits on her knees, still amongst my blood, and guides my arm still stinging bitterly with pain, into her lap. She begins to bandage it; the blood seeping almost straight through the flimsy fabric. I see now as I watch her wind it round my butchered arm that her beautiful hands are as stained as mine. My blood.... it is even in her hair.

She smiles weakly, her face drained.

"Oh Sharon...." I begin, my voice barely a whisper. "I'm sorry."

"What were you thinking Dennis?" she asks sadly. "Why did you you need to do this to yourself?" She shudders in revulsion as she looks around her. "What could have been so hard you needed to hurt yourself like.... like this?"

I shrug off her question by turning my head away. "Why are you here? Why did you come?"

"Because you needed me Dennis. Darlin', you were crying... you needed me. I came straight here and I found you.... th-then you closed your eyes and- oh God-"

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become.

"You shouldn't have come. I'm not worth this. I just wanted-"

She pauses in the winding. "To bleed to death? No, no way-"

I wrench my half bandaged, still seeping, arm away from her and she winces similarly to me as the pain takes hold again, like a thousand knives stabbing me over and over, tearing me open.

"Leave me here." I breathe desperately. "Please." And I stare at her, praying with everything I have left in me that she will do the complete opposite. Take me in her arms and say she was here, like I had dreamt she might.

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me, make me real
Bring me to life.

"D-D-Did you want to die tonight? Here? In this?"

"Yes."

She looks devestated. "Why?"

I snivel. "Because I'm empty. I have nothing Sharon.... not without you- before tonight I hoped; but-"

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie; there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.

"You did this because of me? Because of what I said?"

I nod, my voice wobbling as the tears take hold again. "That was my life Sharon."

She stares at me for an eternity. "Oh-my-God. Dennis, I swear, I never thought you'd-"

And I struggle into a sitting position, shuffling so I can reach the uncleared glass. My head feels woozy, like I may fall at any moment, but I persevere, pulling back the carefully wound bandage and jerking my arm roughly; yelling in agony as I feel the tenative coverings produced by my body for the gaping wounds tear open again like wrapping paper, the pain white hot.

"That I'd what? Do this?"

Frozen inside without your love darling
Only you are the life among the dead.

And I cut across my wrist. Sharon screams, begs me to stop. A mad glint in my eye, I look at her and she looks back at me, unable to stop watching me although it is clear she wants to, especially when fresh jets of blood rush readily to the surface of the deepened wound.

She wrenches the glass desperately from my hand, exclaiming in pain as it cuts her too. She shuffles through the blood, darkened patches forming on her trousers. As I shiver crying on the floor, she wraps her arms and me and cradles me.

"Please.... please don't. I can't bear it.... this is all my fault.... but I couldn't give you false hope.... I love you too much..... I just wanted to let you go so that it didn't hurt so much but; oh darlin', why did you have to do this?" And she cries gently against me too, murmuring "Why didn't I see?"

All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me.
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

My head is light and again I have no strength to keep my eyes open. Fear leaps out from inside me. What have I done? What will happen to me?

I lurch against her as the pain takes me over and she catches me. "Baby?"

"Oh fuck.... Sharon.... it hurts and.... I'm.... I'm scared. Help me."

Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become.

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie; there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.

Part 3: My Last Breath

I still feel the room around me, the floorboards still digging into me. The blood I have shed drowns the carpet and Sharon still screams for me.

"A-Ambulance! Oh fuck..... Christ please, you have to help him; he's.... he's cut his wrists.... there's blood everywhere.... I don't even know if he's conscious. Dennis? Dennis, baby please! Hurry; you have to help him.... F-Five Albert Sq-Sqare. Wal..... ford. Please-"

And she throws her smeared mobile across the room in frustration. Crying like a wounded animal, she curls around me, my head rested in her lap. "Darlin', please hold on for me. Not like this..... I can't do this...."

"I.... It's OK...." I splutter. "I'm O....K-"

"Dennis?" she gasps, frightened to question me. "Sweetheart, look at me OK? Keep looking at me. Don't close your eyes"

I do as she says; knowing that this is pointless. I need that feeling of peace too much to wait....

"I love you."

"Shhhh; don't speak. Just hold on for me." She brushes her thumb lovingly across my forehead. "I love you too. So much. I'm so sorry I made you do this. I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. Anything happens to you, I will never forgive myself."

"Not your fault. Just.... just let me go."

Hold on to me, love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was "I love you" & "I'm not afraid"
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
All my thoughts are for you.
Sweet raptured light; it ends here tonight.

"I'm not letting you go anywhere. I need you. I will not sit here and watching you die in front of me OK? You're strong, you can beat this, and I swear, I'll be there for you. How can I have been so selfish?"

"You're not. You're the greatest.... greatest person I have.... ever...... ever known. R-Remember that."

I feel my eyes grow heavy, forcing out the light of the room. Sharon sobs, and leans hastily forward, her lips brushing mine. Instictively my lips respond to her own. I can taste my own blood on her lips; mixing with the salt of the tears that pulse down her face.

"You're going nowhere Dennis OK? I can't watch someone I love die.... not again.... I told you that remember? Please don't make me-"

"I am sorry. But it's better this way. I'm no-one, I never was-"

"No! You... you're everything. I'm beggin' you Dennis, hold on!"

But I barely hear her, so content to be drifting away from the pain. A sadness takes me over that battles against the warm content as I am unable to push away a thought for what I will leave. Vicki..... Dot..... Sharon....

I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things.
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in the hollow tree
(Come find me)
I know you hear me
I taste it in your tears.

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
All my thoughts are for you.
Sweet raptured light; it ends here tonight.

I cry out. "It hurts! Please, I just want it to stop. Don't make me hold on. It hurts!"

And she curls protectively around me, bowing her head and crying against me. "No. No, you selfish bastard, how could you do this? I can't be here on my own Dennis.... I can't. Hold on baby please. I need you too. I need you..." I feel her eyelashes flutter closed against my cheek; the muscles in her face contort as she fights to push the scene from her mind.

Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you'll wake and know the truth
No-one's there.

The peace that beckons me away from the room, away from Sharon's quivering arms, from the pain.... the blood, the splattered floor.... that peace wraps me in its own tranquil embrace. My strength saps quickly, my resistance to the feeling of release that finally swamps me is fading. I want to be away. I want to fade. I want to go.

"Not holding on babe." I announce, chuckling weakly. I am not afraid; it will all be OK.

She laughs nervously through her tears. 

"Please don't cry Sharon.... I wanted this-"

She strikes me forcefully with her arm. "Don't you dare- I can't help it- W-What happened to "forever" Rickman? You owe me our forever."

As I laugh again, barely a haunting murmur of a laugh, my chest constricts painfully. The will to function here is leaving me.

"Forever.... yeah that's right.... I'll see you there Sharon."

Say goodnight
Don't be afraid
Calling me (calling me)
As you fade to black.

No room for fear now. I feel it. A warmth so unlike the feel of blood against my skin. A different release. Peace. No worries, no tears. Like a moth to a flame, I pine for that feeling to last. And though she sobs desperately as I escape the pain at last, she nods slowly, holding my limp messed hand in her bloodstained own. The groves I carved into my arm are ugly and brutual. She avoids them as she announces to the stillness around around her, amidst a much larger suppressed sob that tears through her as she leans down upon my lifeless form.

"I'll be there."

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
All my thoughts are for you.
Sweet raptured light; it ends here tonight.

The End