Good Night Sweet Girl

Pushing my way out of the hot sweaty club, I stumble gratefully into the crisp night air. I watch my breath become a dirty grey cloud in front of me. My shoulders heaving, I push myself straight into a run; the sensation of my jumper clinging to my slippery frame making me glad I didn't grab my coat before I left the bar. Bloody chaos over there.

Approaching the house, I pull my key from my pocket and as soon as I've turned the lock; I'm calling Chrissie's name: "Chrissie? Chrissie, are you here? What's the number of that plumbing company 'cos it looks like the toilets in the club are bollocks'ed again and I couldn't find their details in the book-"

There's no-one in the kitchen, which is where I head first, swigging some apple juice from the carton left on the side as I go.

I shout for her up the stairs. "Chrissie!"

"She's not here alright? Can you just keep the bloody noise down... my head's killing me-"

Hearing Sharon's voice, I realise that the light is on in the lounge, which it definitely wasn't when I came in. I step into the room, poking my head around the door. She's lying on her side, curled up on the sofa, her head flopped against some cushions. She doesn't smile or anything to register my presence.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you or anything, it's just, y'know, like I said... plumbing an' all that. Look I'll just bugger off- go find Chrissie and-"

"Sampson & Sons."

"Sorry?"

"That's the name of the company Chrissie hired last time the toilets went haywire, but y'know, it wasn't that long ago, so you might want to think about getting someone else out-"

I laugh. "Right OK, will do." I go to leave, but something draws me back into the room. I think it's her face. Her skin seems really dull which just isn't usual, almost tinged grey. "Sharon, are you OK?"

"Do I look it to you darlin'?" she asks, moaning quietly.

I have to admit, she really doesn't. She's writhing now, uncomfortable and seemingly in pain. I crouch down at eye level and place the back of my hand on her forehead. She whimpers. "Ooch, you're burning up there Sharon-"

"Thanks for that; had noticed!"

"H-how did you get down here anyway... I swear there was no-one here when I came in-"

"I came down the stairs when you were in the kitchen... I've told you before about swigging from the juice carton; you're as bad as Vicki.... we don't know what germs you've got do we?"

"They're no worse than the ones inside you right now I should imagine."

"Yeah well, with any luck, I just threw most of them up."

I grimace. "Lovely picture there."

"Hmm. Ohhh God Dennis, I feel like Death-"

"Sharon, are you sure you're not... y'know..."

"Exaggerating?"

"No-" I struggle, not really wanting to have to say this.... "are you sure you're not pregnant?"

She almost smiles, but then her lips fall. She pushes herself up, which seems to take up a lot of effort. She swings her legs to the floor, staring at her feet and not able to look at me.

"You just had to say that didn't you?"

"What?"

"You know I'm not pregnant Dennis... for Christ's sake, you've got about as much chance of being pregnant as I have-"

"I know, I'm sorry-" I mutter pathetically. I didn't think, Christ, I'm such an idiot!

"You're not though are you? Why did you have to say it Dennis?" Then a few seconds later, she looks up at me, her beautiful eyes ablaze. "Are you asking because of James?"

I just make a little noise from my throat to acknowledge her question, trying to ignore the stirring of jealousy inside me just at the mention of his name. She clocks the change in my expression however, and sighs in irritation as she gets to her feet, towering above me from where I crouch.

"Why do you have to be such a cruel bastard... what... is it just because I'm jumping some other guy that you think, I know, let's get at Sharon-?"

"No!" I cry indignantly, getting to my feet. "It's just you said you'd been sick and..."

"That's not morning sickness you prat! That's a soddin' fever!"

"Well, I don't know do I?!"

"No you don't seem to know much do you?"

She presses her hand to her forehead, apparently already feeling the strain of our heated exchange. She weaves past me and into the kitchen. I step into the hall and watch her as she takes a foil of paracetomol from the cupboard and fills a glass from the tap. 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Sipping some water first, she turns back to me, obviously still irritated with me.

"You know what really pisses me off Dennis? The fact darlin', that if this... the way I'm feeling now.... like shit I might add, was down to the fact I was pregnant; it wouldn't be James' responsibility. I've only known the guy two weeks..." She pops the tablets from the foil and places them in her mouth, swallowing quickly."I wouldn't be throwing up with two weeks worth of cells inside me - so that'd mean I'd be stuck here with your bastard child growing inside me."

I don't know why, but that seems to really cut deep. That's the frankest she's ever really spoken about what might have been as a result of everything that went on between us;the frankest since... well, since I got with Zoe. My gaze seems to flit to her stomach without me even realising.

"What do you mean, my child?"

"Well, we've had sex right? And forgive me for saying so, but I don't put it about as much as I used to; so if I really was pregnant, it'd be yours. Sorry about that." she drawls, giggling sarcastically into her glass and making the water bubble.

"You're sorry?"

"Not really. I've no need to be have I? Because I'll never get pregnant darlin', remember that little bombshell? I won't be havin' anyone's child - not James' and least of all not yours.  Thank Heavens for small mercies eh?"

"Thanks Sharon," I mutter sarcastically.

"Yeah well-" she sighs, moving past me again. I lean against the door frame to allow her to pass. It presses into my spine in all the most uncomfortable places. 

"You don't need to do this you know."

"Do what?"

"You don't have to make out everything meant nothing just for my benefit."

"What about for my benefit?" she calls back from the living room. 

I close my eyes, try to stay calm and not let her words get to me. Talking about our relationship isn't easy, but even now, it always seems to happen, and Sharon... she always dives right in there. I get the feeling she's in too deep this time.

"Maybe you should just stop thinking about it." I tell her, going back into the living room.

She laughs. "Like you have you mean?"

I remain blank.

"Oh you know Dennis, trashing James' laptop for one; cos yeah, that was really an accident!"

"He's still with you isn't he?"

"Which is more than you can stand darlin'."

She sits back down.

"Do you know what the worst thing is? You're still here- I still have to see you every day- I really wouldn't have minded if y'know... it'd been a case of snogging your face off... mind-blowing sex and never having to see you again-"

"Two out of three isn't bad."

"Don't kid yourself. Do you have any idea how hard this has been?"

"I'm beginning to get a fair idea." I mutter darkly, not really meaning for her to hear. But she does, raising her eyebrow as if to say "See?"

"Are you jealous?"

I don't answer her question directly; I bristle instead. "What if I am eh? What exactly are you gonna do about it?"

"Ohhh you really don't wanna know."

"No come on-"

"I'd kill you. I wouldn't think twice. You told me to get on with this Dennis, you have no fucking right to be jealous!"

"I know. But it's weird.... seeing- someone else- with.... with you-"

"Why is that so incomprehensible? What- you think I never felt anything for anyone before you showed me what I was missing darlin'? Cos we both know you'd just be deluding yourself."

"You really don't think much of me anymore do you?"

"Oh I did once Dennis. But now? No, I don't suppose I do." She screws her face up a little in contemplation. "Hmmm, a brother, not so bad-"

"Don't pull that shit on me Sharon- I ain't your brother. I never will be, not again, not after-"

She looks away, pressing her clammy palms against her face. "Maybe I don't need to have this conversation Dennis. Maybe I've gone over every single tiny aspect of it every night before I fall asleep. And you know something? I am sick of letting the memory of you maim my life."

"What?"

"You heard."

I sigh, moving to sit down. She shifts away from me, and I look away, hurt. "OK," I sigh, gnawing on my lip, "I'm sorry-"

"Course you are babe. Always sorry. But it doesn't change a single fucking thing, so why bother?"

"Because it's all I've got."

"Whose fault is that?"

I run my hands across my face. "Sharon, do we always need to do this? Do we always have to tear strips out of each other? I know I wrecked us, and I'll always be sorry, but I can't do anything about it now."

I gaze intently at her as her lips flicker ready to expel words.

"Yes you could. You're not stupid Dennis, you know you could. But you won't admit it to yourself."

I flinch. "You reckon?"

She nods, but is quick to announce: "But I'm not waiting anymore. We're gone aren't we?"

And I wish I could agree with her, quickly, get it done. But I can't. She's right. I'm a coward, I don't admit fuck all to myself. I still feel as though I'm in love with Sharon. I wish I wasn't, not after what I did to her, but I am. I've been trying to push it all away and concentrate on Zoe, but when she actually took my advice and started up with James, I felt murderous. Him or me... I know one has to give. But the way I'm feeling just seeing him around her, kissing her, touching her, I know it's gonna be him. I try and console myself and say he isn't good enough, but then I know that I'm not either. I just want her back.

"I never stop thinking about you." I admit sheepishly.

"You should."

"I know. But I can't. I don't know what it is-"

"It's guilt."

"No!"

"Yes. We really shouldn't have this conversation."

She pulls her leg out from underneath her and goes to stand up, but I pull her back down. She shoots me a look of protest.

"Why not? You said yourself it's always going through your mind. That ain't no good for you Sharon, so c'mon, let's talk about it."

She lays miserably back against the sofa cushions, moaning. "Oh yeah Dennis, why not darlin'? Let's just sit here and go through the ins and outs of our failed reationship shall we?"

"It wasn't all bad."

"No, that's true. It wasn't bad. It was bloody awful."

"Why?"

And she snorts. "Why are you asking? You were there too, you know what it was like-"

"I was pretty happy as it goes."

"Oh I bet you were. In between fighting with Den, almost smashing my face in, and what was the other one? Oh yeah, my darlin' considerate boyfriend finally getting round to telling me he was a murderer- I've had better times thanks babe."

"I know you have." My voice wobbles dangerously. "But I haven't."

She smiles weakly, and I have to tilt my head as tears threaten. Her fingers flit across my arm.

"You don't need to tell me this Dennis. I remember."

"I swear to you Sharon; this... it wasn't what I wanted. I would have done anything to make it OK for you."

"Stop it." she says sternly, wrapping her arms around my neck and letting me cry. "Just don't say anything. I don't want to hear it."

Are we done for now?
Is this the end?
Or will there be something in time?
With us, there should.

"I never meant to let you down y'know. I'm so sorry."

"I told you," she mutters, pulling back from me and not meeting my eye. "stop telling me you're sorry. It doesn't make any difference. It never will."

"Do you hate me?" I whisper, feeling sick to the stomach.

"No darlin'. I won't ever hate you. It's worse than that. I miss you. But then I realise you haven't gone anywhere. I still see you everyday and I remember everything about you. I'm trying to forget but I can't."

My tears seem to evaporate, and I just stare at her, waiting, willing for her to speak.

"I want to. I don't want to remember us if this is it. But it won't go away. Why won't it go away?"

"I don't know."

And we just seem to fall into a saddened discontented silence. Until, it strikes me.

"This is no good is it?"

"What?"

"Me being here. Maybe I should just go."

She gets up, sighing as she shuffles towards the door. "Yeah, probably best. I'll see you soon Dennis."

"I don't mean just go. I mean leave Walford."

It seems to stop her in her tracks. She turns, an anger sweeping through her face. "Is that your answer to everything?"

"I told you I couldn't do this Sharon. I told you I didn't want to hurt you."

"What do you think you've done eh? What is it you think you've done if you don't realise you've torn me up?! You're not going anywhere Dennis Rickman!"

She shivers with the fury. It starts to feel as if the walls are closing in and I try and move past her, but she steps quickly into my path, pressing her hand against my chest. I avert my gaze, nibbling on my lip.

"I can't. I can't." I murmur pathetically.

She reaches and holds my face in her palms, forcing me to look at her, to register the anger in her face. "Listen to me. You're not going anywhere. I'm not going to suffer losing you to Zoe fucking Slater just for you to leg it, because I will not have that reflection put upon me Dennis, ever. You're going to stay here, and you're going to make it work OK? You will damn well make it work; you owe it to me!"

"You don't understand; you couldn't."

"I do understand." she tells me forcefully, drilling her nails into my cheeks. "You're bored. You're bored of her and you can't stand the thought of James. I told you Dennis, I remember you, I've seen you every time you clock him-"

"I warned you to keep him out of my face-"

"You mean like you did with Zoe? She lives in this house Dennis! My home! Why should I do you any favours? You broke my heart remember, you owe me!"

"I know I do... but how is staying with her going to help you Sharon? Forgive me for not seeing it-"

"It'll show me that you had reason to leave me; that you did the right thing.... that after all the hurt.... you managed something..."

"But I haven't."

"You will! You have to stay, you have to give it time!"

And I fling her arms away, wiping my eyes furiously before turning back to her, no longer possessing the restraint to withhold my anger and despair. It's crippling, and it just isn't gonna lay dormant anymore. There's no way in Hell I can stick with Zoe; I've always known that. I just needed an escape from the idea that Sharon was the love of my life. I never wanted to realise that, just to know I'd screwed up the most amazing thing I'm ever gonna experience in my whole life. And Zoe was there, so pathetically willing, so easy. But Christ, she's so fuckin' clingy, I just can't believe it. She's desperate as Hell. I know I need to step back from her.... bolt in the other direction more like. I need Sharon.

"I don't have time Sharon! You don't get it!"

"Surprise me darlin', what don't I get?"

I sink back upon the sofa, running my hands around my face in despair. "I don't wanna have to say this to you y'know. I wanna pretend it's all OK, I wanna pretend it's not in my head; that I'm not feeling it."

"Feeling what?"

"You're not stupid." I hiss, leaping back up to my feet and turning away when I see her step cautiously towards me, confusion sweeping over her face. "Work it out."

"No." she says coldly. "Spell it out to me. Let me hear you say it."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

So I turn back, staring at her for a while. She stares right back undeterred. She doesn't need to hear this, I know it. It'd be in our best interests if I stopped feeling it. But I won't. And she's asked for this.

"I love you alright? And not in the way you wanna go back to pretending I do. You know that from the moment I came here I wasn't in to that brother and sister shit. I wanted you Sharon, I loved you in a completely different way. And whatever I've done to you, whatever you wish I hadn't done, I still love you. I know I shouldn't, I really shouldn't, cos that's done now, and I wanna see you happy.... with Vicki... with Den.... but I never stop thinking that I'm the one supposed to make you happy." I breathe deeply, beginning to shake nervously as I watch her and realise her expression hasn't changed as she has taken in my words. "The second I knew you loved me too, that was my job. And that's what it's gonna be until I know I've managed it. Only I stay awake every night, realising I haven't." 

"You think you could? Everything you did to me Dennis, to us?"

"No. I don't think I could. I had my chance and I blew it. But Sharon, it's all I want."

"You make it sound like nothing." she says weakly, pushing the jar of pot pourri across the coffee table and perching on it, staring intently at me with those big hyponotising eyes. "What do you want from me?"

"Nothing you're not prepared to give me."

"What, my forgiveness, my love, what?!"

I shake my head sadly, swallowing a lump in my throat. "You can give those too easily sweetheart."

"Then what?"

"I want you to trust me. That's all I want. I want you to trust me enough to let me love you."

She laughs dryly, looking away from me. "Who'd have thought it eh? Dennis Rickman, romantic idealist-"

"I can't help it."

"Why are you doing this to me? What made you made you think you had to say this?"

"It's still here. I want it to be gone, because that's best but it's not, and I can't pretend it is anymore. Sharon, don't look at me like that! You think if I believed there was even the smallest chance you didn't want me anymore that I'd let myself carry on feeling like this?"

Only girl for me is you
There can be no other one
If I didn't have faith
I would come undone.

"So this all comes back to me again does it? You're unbelievable Dennis. This isn't about me anymore. It stopped being about me the second you left me. We're not part of the same things anymore. We have seperate lives, just... just like we did before any of this."

"You have no idea how wrong you are."

"Oh?"

"Do you think there's a second of any day when I'm not thinking about you? When I'm not hating myself for doing what I've done, for hurting you, for losing you-"

"I don't need to hear this." she sneers, shaking her head fiercely, her hair flying about as she gets to her feet. I lurch for her, my hand curling instinctively around her arm. She just stares venemously at the connection I have dared to established between us.

"Sharon, please-"

"Get off me."

"What do you think I'm going to do?"

"I don't know. See there's the thing; you're telling me to trust you, and that the one thing I can never ever let myself do again. I don't know what you'll do to me Dennis, because I've learnt not to trust you. So here's what you're going to do. You're going to get your hand off of me; you'll go home to Zoe, you'll get into bed next to her.... you'll pretend this conversation never happened. You'll learn to stop feeling whatever sorry imitation of love you think you're feeling... just like I did."

I just seem inanimate as she speaks so sternly to me, so devoid of any emotions like the ones the Sharon I love would have the compassion to show. It makes me shake with even further despair as I realise how far away that woman now is.

"And above all-"

She rips my hand from her. 

"You will never touch me again. Good night Dennis."

She leaves me stood there, a feeling of such cold emptiness exploding inside me. It hurts more than recalling that I was stupid enough to lose the love of my life. Because it seems now that that woman has gone too. A woman so hurt by my own actions, she's been deemed insignificant by Sharon's wasted heart and seemingly eradicated. Not one part of me does not ache, not one drop of my blood does not scream for me to rediscover that lost woman.

So I head upstairs, creep nervously across the landing towards Sharon's room. I'm careful to avoid the floorboard near the top of the staircase that will give away my approach, concentrate on the sound of my blood pounding in my ears, still screaming for her.

I slide into Sharon's room, my shadow slipping willingly into the shaft of silvery moonlight that highlights a twinkling path across the carpet. I look towards the bed and see Sharon curled up underneath the blankets, her pretty painted toes poking out about halfway up. I smile wistfully as I remember how it felt to have her curled up against me like that.

I step towards her, dipping my gaze to disguise the smile playing on my lips as I remember.

"Get out of here."

"Sharon-" I breathe, startled to hear her cool voice shatter the tranquility of these surroundings.

"What do you think you're doing? Get out."

"Look, I just-"

The duvet gets shoved back and she hauls herself up, spinning round to stare at me a ferocity in her eyes that unnerves me. The nightshirt she's wearing is too big and slopes off her bronzed shoulders, her hair pinned haphazardly against her head.

"I couldn't give a fuck what "you were just" Dennis, I want you out."

I stare at her. She flinches and pulls the shirt around her, almost squirming under my lazy gaze. That amuses me.

"What's wrong Sharon?"

"You." she answers viciously, not missing a beat. "Can't you just leave me alone?"

I shrug, looking down at the floor as I meander towards her. She leaps back like a scalded cat as I lift my leg and sink onto the bed next to her, crossing my legs.

"Maybe once Sharon. Not anymore."

She rolls her eyes. "We all know why that is, don't we?"

"You're so wrong."

"Am I really?"

"Yes. Why can't you even bring yourself to listen to me for God's sake?"

She laughs dryly. "Why? Because you talk utter bollocks sweetheart; that's why."

"This isn't you Sharon."

"No, you're right." She nods, but then scowls instaneously. "I am different. This is what you have made me become."

"Am I that poisonous Sharon?"

"I'd say so."

I look down at where the moonlight skims across my knees, biting back my lip.

"No. No; you loved me-"

She gives me a bemused smile. "I know Dennis. You won't let me forget. Yes I loved you; every bastard, pig-headed, selfish, violent, murdering bit of you. What does that say about me eh?"

"Stop it, please!" And as I beg her, my voice wobbles, alerting us both to the fact that I have tears threatening. "Y-Y-You can't hate me this much."

She sighs. "I do."

"Why?"

"You tore me in half Dennis! You let me love you. If you were going to walk away from me; we should have left it at the sex for fuck's sake! So yes, I hate you, and you know why?"

Do I really need to ask?

"Why?"

"Because you're sat there, invading my space, my mind, and you know damn well I'm still in love with you!"

I blink.

"I hate you. I hate you for making me feel like this. I hate myself because it hasn't gone away."

"Well that's good."

"It is? Dennis, you screw a girl every night in the room next door! S'pose we should be grateful she's the same one."

"I- I meant what I said downstairs Sharon... I love you."

I try and lean across to brush her cheek with my hand but she moves away, pushing my hand back. 

"So did I. I don't want you to touch me. Please just leave."

"No!"

"Dennis, don't make me beg you; just go!"

I shake my head fevrently. She turns away from me; and I hear her crying softly, her face pressed against her knees. I go to move, the duvet rustling beneath me and crouch in front of her, resting my hands around her shivering face.

"You can't just say you still love me and expect me just to get up and leave. That's not how it works."

And Sharon smiles weakly as tears slide down her smooth silvery cheeks. "I do really love you y'know. B-bastard that you are, I love you so much; I j-just wanted to make you happy-"

"I know, I know."

So much promise in your eyes
Seems that I can only see
Always makes me wonder
If you save it all for me.
Maybe you do
Maybe you don't.
Maybe you should
Probably won't.

"I wish I didn't mean it, any of it.... I wish I'd never met you, and-" she gulps back a breath of air, "-I know it hurts you to hear that, and I want to be sorry, but I'm hurt too.... never hurt this much before.... I loved you utterly; and look where that got us eh? Everything about you scares me, what you were, what you've done, what you could do-"

"Hang on... you think I might hurt you? Or Vicki? Wha-what I did to Jack, Sharon, that's completely different, you know that. I had no choice- I've never wanted to kill anyone- I love you, the both of you, I'm here to protect you, not hurt you..."

"You already have. You don't need to raise your hand to me to hurt me Dennis, but wait, you've done that too! And not just to me, what about James?"

"I haven't laid a finger on him-"

"-yet." Sharon finishes calmly. "But you will. I know you will, because you're jealous. I've seen you when he's in the room with me, face like thunder, hands stuffed in your pockets-"

"If you know I'm gonna smash his face in, why is he still here? Why haven't you warned him off?"

"Because I won't be intimidated by you. You're not part of my life anymore, not like that. You have Zoe now... and I have James. It's only fair you accept I'm going to have new lovers.... I won't waste away waiting for you."

"I haven't asked you to."

"It's what you want though isn't it? You want me to be your insurance policy, and I won't do it."

"You think I should go back to Zoe?"

"Yes."

"Alright fine. What if I said that I was going to get up and climb back into bed with her?"

"Fine."

I nod. "And what if I said I was gonna wake her up and shag her senseless. Make her scream for me? Is that OK too?"

Sharon gulps, and I chuckle, pushing myself up to level with her face, catching it in my palms again before she can move back from me. 

"That's what I thought darlin'."

"Don't call me that."

"But that's who you are Sharon."

"No. I'm your big sister, that's all. I'm just Sharon."

"I told you, you were never my sister, and you know that too, so stop with all this bollocks. You wanna know who you really are?"

She sighs heavily, so I take that as my cue.

"Sharon's the woman who crept to my room every night for nine weeks, too scared to stand on the creaky floorboard in case she woke someone and had to explain what she was feeling, because it was so hideously wrong. Except when we-"

"Don't you dare say it; don't you dare make this out to be some fairy tale!"

But I defy her and continue. "Except when we made love.... it was all OK then wasn't it? Because we loved each other and we were showing it. Felt good didn't it; all those nights?" I smile as I remember. "And I remember that I always had to kiss you while you came because you were so loud. God, it was so brilliant, but I'd have always preferred to let you scream - made me feel so good."

"You think I've never screamed before?" Sharon laughed. "Oh Dennis, Dennis, Dennis."

"Yeah it went something like that actually."

"Alright! I don't need to tell you though; there must be hundreds of women who have told you how good you are; so you already know!"

"True. But you never told me Sharon and that's painful, because it matters how I made you feel."

"And me the screamer Dennis; I reckon you could figure it out."

"You don't want me to go into that bedroom anymore than I do, do you?"

She bristles, and immediately puts up those barriers again. "I don't care what you do Dennis. Nothing to do with me anymore sweetheart, remember?"

"Sharon, don't play dumb, it don't suit you. You know it's got everything to do with you!"

"Why?!" she snaps. "Why has it got anything to do with me at all?"

"Because not ten minutes ago, you were telling me you're in love with me!"

"So?"

"So? So everything! I love you Sharon, and you love me, so what's with the fighting?"

She draws her knees to her chest. "I can't do it. I'm with James."

Cos there will be....
There will be be other guys
Who will whisper in your ear
Say they'll take away your sadness
And your fears.

"Yeah, and I'm meant to be with Zoe. But I want you. You know that for Christ's sake!"

"Maybe I don't want to be wanted, have you ever thought of that? Maybe I want to be looked after-"

"Didn't I tell you that's all I ever wanted to do?"

"Yeah Dennis, you did. So we ended up sleeping together for nine weeks and then - here we are!"

"Stop trying to make everything so goddamn black and white!"

She scoffs, edging further up the bed towards the headboard as I get closer. "If only I bloody could!"

"You said you were in love with me..." I mutter. I raise my gaze waiting for her to deny it, but she only looks uncomfortably away. "If you're in love with me, how can everything we've been through, everything we've felt.... c'mon Sharon, tell me how that's all about sex?"

"I told you. You're good."

"What and that's it? You just want sex? Because, yeah, you are with James, use him Sharon. I want you for more than sex. I'm sorry if that disappoints."

Hanging my head, I hear Sharon let out a little sigh and then scrabble against the bed sheets to come down the bed towards me, wrapping her cool palms against my moistened cheeks.

"Sweetheart, if I could put myself through that pain again, even just to believe it could work with you, then surely you know I'd have done it already? But it won't, it never will. So- so the sniping.... the fighting, it's just easier than realising what I really feel.... knowing I've lost you-"

"But you haven't!"

"Yes I have. I can't do it again. I won't have my heart broken all over again. Not even to have those nine weeks back. So Zoe's yours now."

"I can't make that work Sharon, I won't."

Her fingernails dig a little into my cheeks as she lifts my chin, pressing her soft lips against mine for a moment. "Try. Do it for me."

"But you hate it too! You can't seriously wanna be able to go off and shag this bloke?"

"Maybe not. But there's gonna be other blokes too Dennis; just like there's no doubt you're gonna go through other women. That's the way life goes."

"You mean you need someone better than me. That figures."

They may be kind and true,
And they may be good for you.
But they'll never care for you
More than I do.

"No. Just someone else Dennis. Not better."

"I'm not gonna stop feeling like this y'know."

"No-one's saying you have to stop feeling it. You just need to get past it."

"But what if we could have been for real?"

"We are real. We're just not gonna work."

Another silence takes us over. With a defeated sigh, I pull myself up from the bed. "Well, I'll just.... I'll go back to bed then..."

Shifting across the covers and planting her feet on the floor, Sharon straightens her back to reach some height from where she sits, nodding solemnly. "OK." And the way her big eyes sparkle against the moonlight tells me she's waiting for me to do something. So I lean down and kiss her on the cheek, barely missing her lips. I pull back, a little startled at my own actions. She, however, seems serenely calm as she stares at me, my clammy hand caught in her fingertips.

I let her pull me back down onto the bed beside her. "I- we-"

"What?" I whisper.

But she says nothing more, and kisses me again; hard, her tongue fighting to impart my lips. Pushing myself to the height of my knees on one side, I have the advantage to push her back against the bed as I respond to her, not wating to think to question her. I just want to enjoy the sensation of her relieved moans shuddering through our kiss. As I press down into her, she can't help but arch herself into me, but whimpers as though she has done the wrong thing. So I lift myself gently off of her, the thin sheets of sweat resting against our bodies reluctantly splitting.

She immediately places her hands into the groove created between us, pulling at my flies. At which point, I seem to get a reality check and break off from her. She whimpers in protest again and sits up, her boobs pressing into my back. "What's wrong?"

"Tell me you're sure you want this to happen. Tell me, or I'll just get up and leave now; won't say a word about it-"

She kisses the base of my neck. "You're such a daft bastard. I'm making this happen, that should tell you something."

"Yeah, that it's not gonna mean anything in the mornin', because it never bloody does!"

"Not to anyone except me, no."

"I can hear a "but" coming."

"Buuut it's not gonna become anything either. We can't."

I turn and look at her disbelievingly. "But we can still screw each other? Jesus Sharon, explain to me what part of "I don't just want you for sex" you don't understand!"

"I'm not stupid Dennis, I understand alright! But tell me you don't want it an' all, go on! Cos I know you're bloody lying! Maybe... maybe this is me saying goodbye-"

I jump to my feet, wanting to head to the door. "Yeah and maybe this is me telling you to shove your goodbyes!"

"Wait!"

Damn her, she knows I will. I try and stare at the radiator on the landing, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see her. She's fallen back on to her knees, and she's slowly unbuttoning the shirt she's wearing, revealing her complete and utter divine nakedness underneath. Rounding on her, I stammer, "What the h-hell are y-y-you doing?"

"This shirt's yours-" She peels it off, stretching out her hand to offer it to me. "-take it with you."

I take the shirt, but am shaking so badly I just let it fall to the floor. Shaking because of my lack of self-restraint, of strength, of the ability to say no to her.

"This is so cheap Sharon."

"Oh I know." she smiles, "But it'll work won't it?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you should shut the door."

I do exactly as she tells me and climb back onto the bed, Giggling Sharon scurries round and straddles my lap, practically pinning me to the bed. She undoes my flies quicker than I can even try and wriggle underneath her. She stands up as she pulls my jeans away from my form, the sheen of her beautiful skin highlighted in the moonlight. 

"Commando Dennis? Well isn't Zoe the lucky one?"

"I ain't never seen your eyes light up so fast Sharon."

Giggling still, she dips her eyes, the curtain of her hair falling about her face. "I sincerely hope you're as good as I remember Rickman."

"Are you needing a demonstration there Sharon?"

She nods, settling into the bed again and pressing into my throbbing member as she sits astride me once again.

I move into her slowly, pushing gently up and feeling my calves meet her buttocks as she counteracts the action by bearing down. Moving gently forward and slowly encouraging my thrusting, she catches my lips.

"I've missed you."

And we relax into our rhythm, although it has to be said, Sharon being the dominant one in the bedroom is a new one on me; but I like it. Our moans have to be kept in check, afrad we will wake someone and be discovered. But amidst it all, I didn't have the capacity to care. She just feels so good, like she always did, and hearing her push out my name among her groaning, it built up a lot faster than I would have liked. I wanted this to last forever.

But I understand exactly what Sharon's short, sharp gasping means. Pulling on her hand, she leans towards me again. Wrapping my hands into her hair I draw her to my lips and kiss her deeply, her tongue instinctively rediscovering mine. She relaxes into our kiss and she lets go, shaking and shivering, moaning deliciously into my mouth. And still beautifully loud, satisfying my thirst to hear the sound.

She lies in my arms, barely underneath the covers, nestled against my chest as she drifts to sleep. "Thank you." she murmurs dreamily.

Hey hang on... was that...? "Sharon?" I ask, shaking her a little. "Did you just thank me for sex?" 

Ouch.

"S'not sex with you darlin'; never was. In love with you 'member? Damn me."

"No! It's a good thing!" I kiss her on the crown. "Love you too."

"You'll have to go soon."

"When you're asleep, I will."

"Still got that thing about watching me sleep then?"

"Yessir."

"That's creepy that is."

"Well I can't help it if you're so bloody gorgeous can I?"

"You'll have to stop with the compliments y'know. I'm back to biting your head off in the morning."

I sigh, holding her closer, her clammy flesh moulding against mine. "I know. But it's my own fault for being such a twat-"

Not missing a beat, even when entering dream-like state, Sharon replies, "Yep. But it's alright; we can't go changing it now."

Oh how I wish we could.

"I know. You're right, I know."

Smiling, she says "Never wrong mate, and you know it."

"Can we still be friends after all this Sharon?" 

God, I can't believe how pathetic that sounds. Making love to the woman I love is the most natural thing in the world, and yet here I am, desperate to have her fall asleep in my arms so I can watch her one last time and then beyond that, just be able to call her a mere "friend" like it's a bloody honour when all the while I'm gonna be so in love with her, it's gonna hurt to wake up to Zoe each morning.

"Always."

I'll always be there
There to the end
Can't do much
But be your one true friend.

"Good." I reply, somewhat distractedly. "Good. And the fact we're actually in love with each other isn't going to complicate that?"

Dumbass thing to say much? But I console myself as I flinch in embarrassment that she is in fact so very nearly asleep that she won't have a clue what I've said tonight and will wake up tomorrow alone in her bed with a new vigour to berate me for swigging juice out the carton and sniping at me for not wiping my shoes on the doormat when I come into the house from work.

"Never."

"Well in that case, I'm going to go now before I realise I can't do this at all."

Pulling my arm out from around Sharon seems to wake her from her stupour which makes me cringe even more. This wasn't my intention - I wanted her to barely notice me go. But as I step into my jeans from where they are pooled on the floor and fasten them again, I feel her hand on my shoulder pushing me back onto the bed, the friction of the covers wrapped around her bare body scratching across my back, and her warm breath on my neck as she softly speaks.

"Trust me Dennis, we'll be OK. We're gonna get through it all, I promise."

To the end
Through the end
Our lives to spend 
With each other til
The end of time.

"If you say so." I answer sullenly, pressing my hand over where her own rests. 

With a sigh and collecting together the last of my very weak resolve to leave this room, I push her hand, her touch away and pull my jumper roughly over my head. 

She looks up at me, a weak smile much like my own plastered across her face, her eyes large, rounded and undeniably dull.

"I can't do goodbyes Sharon."

"Then don't."

"I hate this. We coulda had so much together."

"I know. But we don't."

"Well maybe-"

"No Dennis. I can't cope with "maybe"."

"Well, why not? I can see in your face that you want this... here, now.... to be the end of it as much as I do!"

Still see the promise in your eyes
And still wonder if it's for me.
But I know it's still there,
Even as you fall asleep.

"Because I love you too damn much to risk it again, alright? Please, leave me with ideals at least. Just go."

I nod, swallowing a prominent lump in my throat.

Sharon furiously wipes her eyes to disguise the obvious threat of tears and forces herself to smile.

"We were good weren't we, Sharon? Me & you?"

She nods. "The very best sweetheart. Good night Dennis."

I open the door and stare out into the cold inanimate landing, looking, with a knot of fear growing tighter by the second in my stomach, at my own bedroom door and despising the idea that Zoe lies waiting for me.

"I can't.... I can't go in there."

"Yes you can," Sharon says firmly, before repeating, "Good night Dennis."

So I say "good night, sweet girl."

"Good night Sharon."

The End