Here Is Gone

29th September 2003
"That Night"

You & I got somethin'
But it's all and then it's nothin' to me, yeah

I'm trying to keep so damn hard to keep cool yet need so desperately to shake. No, not shake, convulse, so violently that I might be sick. But I can't. I don't dare, because I just can't get my head around any of it. I need a drink. I need one so badly. My head's a mess and my throat's painfully dry, without words when there's so much I need to say, if only she'd just listen. But she won't. Probably never will again, and where does that leave me, eh? Besides shrinking away to nothing of any sort of importance in the old man's shadow?

Sharon's got what she needs. And that was obviously never me. Oh God, what the Hell am I supposed to do now? I can't do what Sharon's doing. I can't force what happened out of my head, pretend it never happened. Because it did. And I've been waiting on her for so damn long. How can she make like she doesn't know it was there? It always has. From the second I met her, I knew she was special - I knew we could be something special if she'd just admit to it. But she never did and I didn't know what the Hell I was supposed to do, living out every day, wanting her more and more. I just needed to show her what I felt for her, prove to her that I meant it. And I don't... I don't understand how she could let me... let me and then reject me.

But the reason's clear enough and it stings enough on its own. She don't believe I meant it at all. She reckons I was just trying my luck while her head was all over the place. That ain't it. God, if she knew what she did to me... my head weren't exactly sorted either. I just... I needed to know what she'd do - one way or the other. Except we've gone both ways in this one night and I was never prepared for that. I mean, I don't what it was I was prepared for - I wasn't expecting her to go falling into my arms or anything, but then I wasn't expecting all this to come tumbling out like it did, like some manic explosion. Guess I never did know how to harbour feelings - Hell, I didn't know feelings. Then she walks in my life and sends me crazy with 'em.

She came back from talking with Den, spouting venom all in his honour, shaking with the fury. I hated seeing her like that, I wanted to make it better for her. But she wouldn't let me touch her, tells me that "we" are never going to happen - when we already have. I just wanted her to see sense, to realise how good I could be for her if she'd just give me one real chance to show it.

"I told you how I felt about you-"

"And I don't feel the same!"

"Liar!" I said, hating how perpetulant I sounded as I stated my case. She had to be lying. I know what she might have thought of me, but I know Sharon, better than anyone could tonight, and I know she'd never fall into bed with anyone she felt nothing for. So it wasn't about me, it was about her, her and these denials."You kissed me first. You wanted it as much as me, you were there as much as I was - you tell me why it can't happen!"

I invited her next words. I never meant to. I never wanted to hear her reasons, listen to her talking herself out of this whole idea when I knew we could be so right together.

"Because you're my father's son!" she hissed desperately.

That cut as badly as her saying before that I was her brother, I couldn't change those rules. Only we have - she has. And believe me, it didn't escape my notice how she chose to word it this time around. I suppose calling me her "brother" now was just too close to the bone. It'd been alright when she'd been so convinced Den was dead. So she hid behind me, all these pathetic relations I never asked to have forged without my knowledge. But now Daddy's back, she's seen it for herself. And she thinks he'll protect her better.

But I let her know that I wouldn't have it said in any way. There isn't any tie between us besides what she's pretending she don't feel. 

"But he's nothing to do with me!"

I won't be her brother, I won't be her fuckin' father's son. She knows what I want, she knows how different it would make us. She's allowed to be scared, I never thought she wouldn't be. But has she not thought how petrified I was at realising how bare I was laying my soul to her rejection. She's trampled all over it, but still I love her, could never be what it is she's pretending she wants me to be.

And I got my defences when it comes to your intentions for me, yeah

"But he is! I can't have sex with my father's son!"

"You already did!"

"But it's different now!"

"Why?"

"Because I know he's alive!"

And what hurts is that she made it sound like she was offering up her only reason. Like if Den hadn't been alive, for Vicki to drag back here, tonight of all damn nights, I don't think it would have mattered. I don't think she'd have cared, or be so desperate to hide the truth of herself from me. I think, I hope she'd have given me a chance. What's the point in trying to hide herself from me? Doesn't she understand that I've seen, obsessed over and loved every part of her? We could be perfect - except now Den's wandering around Walford, refamiliarisng himself with all his old haunts - and I'm here, with the one woman I ever dared to love and she's trying to force me to accept that we'll never be again. Because of him.

And we wake up in the breakdown of the things we never thought we could be, yeah
I'm not the one who broke you, I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you, darlin'

We could have worked. If Sharon had listened to me at all, then she'd know I'd give anything to trying, if she'd just let me. But she won't. Because of him, some bastard curse I had put on me because I had the nerve to be born. It don't sound to me like there's anything that great about him. I mean, he weren't dead. And yet, he's let his little girl grieve and blame herself for everything that was never right between them because she believed he was lost forever. And I was the idiot that brought him back. And I can't remember why. Because now I've tried, for the first time, to show Sharon what she means to me, she's running scared. And I've just given her all the excuses she'll ever need because I couldn't let Den rest with it. It's me she blames for everything that's wrong in her life now, because it was me that was so determined to prove to her it had all been a lie. So now, I guess I'm getting just what I deserve because I know she's lying to me.

I thought I lost you somewhere, but you were never really ever there at all

Why won't she understand that I'm not Den, that I don't wanna hurt her? I wanna be the one to make it better. I took back everything I said about Den just because I wanted her to be happy, because I'd say or do anything to make her happy?

And I want to get free, talk to me!
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone, yeah.

But she's not gonna hear anything I say now is she? Because she don't want to, and however much I want her, can tell her I love her, if she don't wanna hear it, she won't. She's good like that. And if she ever realises how much she's killing me on the inside, then I know what I'll get. Cos this life, s'always full of options. Nice sisterly smile that'll make me wanna put my fist through a wall. Or the cold shoulder. There'll just be no soddin' point in me ever talking to her, because she'll never hear what I mean to say. And if she keeps running, then how the hell am I ever gonna get the words out, know what it is I'm supposed to do for the better?

I have no solution to the sound of this pollution in me, yeah!

I can't carry so much bloody blame. I never did this on my own. OK, sure, so she's never got wrecked, come out and told me all what she feels for me, without even meaning to. But I played fair. I put my cards on the table and I gave her a choice. It crucified me, but I was ready to leave, to walk out of there and try and get the drug that she is out of my system. But she stopped me. I begged her not to do anything she didn't want. And she tore at the clothes on my back. I lay her down on her own bed, it was her own choice. But she never said a word, I thought I'd had my answer. But there isn't one. She says she was messed up, not knowing what to believe about Den. And me, I guess I was there, laying myself open to being her comfort. 

I was used alright, and I asked for it. What kind of idiot am I? She was never really gonna be mine; but bloody Hell, if she'd just tell me what was going through her head... I can't be shut out, that's all. She just has to understand that I meant it. I love her. 

And I was not the answer, so forget you ever thought it was me, yeah!
I'm not the one who broke you, I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you, darlin'
I thought I lost you somewhere, but you were never really ever there at all
And I want to get free, talk to me!
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone, yeah.

And I'm trapped in that one bastard realisation. I don't know how to stop just because she won't admit that she feels anything outside this "brother" rubbish. But she has to. She can't let me do the things I did tonight and then say it meant nothing. Because to me, for the first damn time, it meant something, it felt so right. And she's denying that. Maybe she's too scared to think on what it'd be like if she tried to be with me. But I meant it too when I said I could be brave enough for the both of us. I'd protect against anything and everything. I'd give anything just for her to say that there are no regrets.

But there are and I don't understand. Is it all because of Den? All because of the past I never asked to be mine? That's what it is, it's a past. There's no bloody future to think on without Sharon in the way I need her. There's absolutely nothing. I guess I should be used to that. But I really believed that, tonight, as we made love in her bed that we were sharing in some sort of truth. But she lied. From the moment her lips met mine to keep me in the flat. I can't stand lies. 

And I don't need the fallout of all the past that's in between us
And I'm not holding on cos all your lies weren't enough to keep me here.
And I want to get free, talk to me!
I can feel you falling

I just want her to admit the truth, admit there's something between us, that's building up for so long, something that could really be something. There's no way this coulda happened if not. She can try, but she won't be able to hold up these pretences forever. She'll burn out - Sharon never could lie. And I can feel it, the strength it's taken for her to fight this. And I can only remember what such a struggle became. It was like a release. But she's pleading to be weighed down in all these emotional chains again, because she doesn't know any other way way anymore. 

And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone, yeah.

But she has to realise, it won't go away. Love's love and it's stronger than anything I've known. Like a fever, makes me shake and weep with fury. I've tried blotting it with every evil substance I could bring to hand, but it doesn't work. Because they only ever create illusions. And what I feel for Sharon is real - I know that more than ever now. This one, hopeful moment was trashed, I know, and my feelings battered and bruised. But wherever it is she's run to, that same feeling will find her, surround her and not let go. I know it because I never will. And when she breaks, like I did tonight, no longer able to hold the truth of it in, I'll catch her, and I'll hold her... like I did tonight. Like I've dreamed of for so long, tortured by the perfectness of that one moment, knowing it would have to come. It will again - it has to.

Cos I know it's out there, hey I know it's out there
Cos I can feel you falling
But I know it's out there, hey I know it's out there
Somehow, here is gone, yeah!