I Wouldn't Wanna Happen To You

	Do you know what I should be doing right now darlin'? I should be writing to Dot. Writing to tell her all about our beautiful son. We have a son. Everytime I look at him, I see you. I see how happy you'd be to be here with him. There's this little bubble in my chest that swells. Because I'm so proud. Proud of myself. For one thing, it took nine hours of pushing and screaming to give our son to the world, did you know that? I like to think you might have been watching, but I think it might have all been a bit gruesome for you. I know you're not as tough as you like to make out. All the blood... and the sweat... and... and the baby. The precious baby. The most important thing of all.

	I brought him home, to Vicki, and Dennis, she adores him, says he makes her as proud as you would be. I... darlin', I named our son Dennis. You don't mind, do you? I did it because that's who he is. He's who's gonna bind me to you until I'm back in your arms again. I've been telling him all about you, and all those cute little baby noises, I think he understands I'm talking about the most important person he could ever know. His daddy. I'm so glad I made you a father Dennis. You're right, I hold him in my arms, and as he looks at me with his great big blue eyes... I know you're right. We really did it.

	Oh darlin'... you have no idea how much I miss you. I still wake up in the middle of the night expecting to find you there beside me, like you always were, murmuring in your sleep. I keep seeing the cot in the corner of the room, and for a moment, it feels like I have everything. Everything you gave to me. And then... and this bit hurts so much... I remember you're not here anymore, and I'm still crying myself to sleep each night. Sometimes I don't make it that far, tears are still going down my cheeks as I feed Dennis.

	Did it hurt... when you were leaving me.... ? Were you in pain baby? Were you scared? Did it hurt when you...? Or was it peaceful? Was there a tunnel? White light? I bet you hoped not. Cos that's not good enough for you. I bet they let you in, and you refused to move, until the Big Guy himself came down and shook your hand. Sounds like the kinda thing you'd do.

	Know that I went as high as I could go
	On my first time
	Where's the fun if your feelings
	Are left behind?

	Did you tell him what you'd done Dennis? While you were here with me? Did you tell him everything.... everything you'd ever felt... everything we've been through together? Or did he know? Had he seen? You tell him from me that I don't find any of it funny. Tell him it was cruel of him to make me say the things I said in the early days, that he should have used divine intervention or something, so I could have told you I felt all those things as fiercely as you did right from the beginning... given me longer to love you.

	I need to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I played with your feelings so much. Dennis, if I'd known this would happen to us, I'd have taken every chance I was given to be with you, and I'm praying to God every night that you know that. I only ever wanted to see you happy. I just... I hadn't known that that meant being with me. I didn't know how to understand that. That's how it all.... all became that first night together. I know you remember it, baby. Cos I'll never forget the hurt in your beautiful eyes when I denied you everything. I shouldn't have. I should have realised that the only reason I'd let you make love to me that night.... wasn't because I was confused, because I was hurt. But because I wanted you too, I'd just been too scared to say. You were so brave, you know that? So brave to say it to me. And I know what I did afterwards wasn't fair, that I pushed you away. And I'm so sorry.

	And it's your right when you mean it
	To find the proof and make me hear it

	And when... when you told me what you did to Jack... oh God, you were... you were so brave. Where did you learn to get so strong hmm? I didn't think so at the time but... it was your life or his right? And I'm not "cutting" my "heart out for him" darlin', not ever. But, you.... to have to do that... but I'm glad you did. Because..... look at what we achieved. We got married and you gave me.... the greatest thing of all.... you gave me the baby I thought I'd never have. I couldn't have done all that with you if you'd been taken away from me that night. And I wouldn't have wanted to have my son with anyone else. I'm so proud to say he's yours.
	
	That day... when you told me you killed Jack... you said... baby, I remember your every word, because each one was so hard to hear. You said... "Not exactly how you think your life's gonna crack on is it? "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" "Please Miss, I'm gonna be a murderer. I don't wanna be, but that's what I'm gonna be"."

	But that doesn't matter. None of it matters anymore. Because you know what I want our son to say when he's at school and his teacher asks him that question? I want him to say "Please Miss, I wanna be just like my dad." Because for everything you've ever done, you were mine. And you're Dennis'. And he's gonna be so proud to be part of you. Because he's always gonna know how much you loved me... how much you wanted him for me, for us. And... he's never gonna forget how much I love you darlin'. I won't let him. I'm never gonna stop loving you.

	I just wish - I wish we hadn't spent so much time hurting each other. Oh God, I'm starting to cry. I wish I could feel your arms around me, I wish you could make this better. Why did we have to hurt each so much Dennis, why? We could have had so much time, we coulda done so much... maybe not, but just... time. Time to look at you... think how beautiful you are... how lucky I am that it was me you learnt to love... how I never want you to stop. You won't stop will you? From wherever you are?

	If only we hadn't fought so much - if only I hadn't tried to fight what felt so right - if only I'd told you I loved you - if only I'd fought Dad harder instead, then we'd have had longer. No "for the sake of the family", no Zoe, no nothing. Oh, Dennis, if only I'd known. I'd have given my last breath to making you happy darlin'. If I'd known I'd end up giving you the son you wanted so much, I wouldn't have hidden behind children. I wouldn't have been so scared. I'd have crawled into your bed, into your arms and I'd have lain there forever, listening to you whisper that everything would be OK, you swore it.

	Will you swear it now? Because Dennis and me, we need to know that we'll be OK. I need to know that the guilt... the guilt for every moment I made the wrong decision... for every moment I looked you coldly in the eye and said there was nothing left... I need to know that will ease.

	Cos when I'm wrong, I don't see it
	Anymore

	There's something left, Dennis, always. There's your son.

	But just thinking about him, every moment he'll never have with you, I wish.... I wish with everything I have left that that I'd never confided in Phil. He held me up after you left me darlin', but now I know why. It was him. He betrayed me and he told you about Johnny's threat. No-one else knew, so it had to be him. I can't believe it's only as I was in that hospital room, desperate to believe it was your hand I was holding as I pushed with each contraction, that I realised. Why did you have to go after him? Why didn't you ignore Phil, and come back to me? Nothing but guilt had made Phil comfort me, bring me to Michelle & Vicki. If he hadn't told you... well then darlin', I wouldn't be writing this. If he hadn't told you, then I'd be smiling for the rest of my life, because you'd be here too. But you're not, and I know now that that's all my fault.

	Cause I feel a fake when I feel
	Any feeling

	You loved me so much. I know you did, because I felt it in every word you ever said, every kiss you ever stole. And I know you always thought that I made you into the person you always wanted to be... but that's just not true. Loving me like you did took you away from your son. I killed you, baby. I know now that I murderered you as if the blade had been in my hands. And I'm so sorry. Had you not left me someone to live for, I'd be wherever you are now, you know that, don't you? I was apart from you too often in life to be apart from you in death too. But our son needs me. He needs me to remember you.

	But why love me, darlin'? Look at where I was at with men in the past eh? Vicar.... decided I was too tarty... Simon Wicks.... cheating arsehole... I even went out with Ian... and he was like a brother... oh God....

	It's not fair! You should have known I'd ruin you Dennis, this is why I couldn't love you, don't you see?! I've had a husband remember? Shagged his brother! But you were the brother this time weren't you.... became the husband.... you idiot! Why did you make me believe... why did you have to make me so happy? Surely you could tell what it would do? Look at Tom... oh darlin', I know you hated him. I loved him, I really did. But he'd rather have died than marry me. And just to make damn sure he'd never have to do it, he went and incinerated himself. You should have known something bad was gonna happen to you - you should have known better than to love me.

	And I wouldn't wanna happen to you
	Cos I know you mean it

	I tried to save you darlin', I tried so many times. Maybe it wasn't that I didn't love you, maybe it was that I always knew I'd lose you. You promised me I'd never lose you, do you remember? "We're always gonna be together, I promise." That's what you said, but you couldn't promise that. All the holidays, all those nights holding your hand along the beach, all the love in the world couldn't save you from the idea I'd destroy you.

	I hear you sometimes. I hear your laugh and I hear your smile. And I wonder, does that mean you're happy without me? Or does that mean you were happy all the times you were with me? There were the best times, Dennis, the best of my whole life and I mean that. But I'd give them all up if I could see your smile just one more time, instead of just hearing it form, that amused little chuckle. I wanna see it. I wanna watch you stare at the floor, I wanna watch you scratching the back of your neck, I wanna watch you dare to look up and meet my eye. Then I wanna see your lips flicker, and then I wanna see that beautiful smile. I wanna see it so much. Why did you never show it anyone else darlin', why did you never let them see how beautiful you really are?

	You have a laugh when you let go
	That makes a big unwanted side show

	You know, none of the pain, none of the tears I'm crying right now would matter, if I could just see that smile again. I watched you so many times, with all those different women... and I don't know what you were trying to do. Was that before I mattered to you, or were you trying to make me jealous? It worked, each and every time it worked, but I always knew that there was something in the way you looked at me that was never there when I was watching you looking at all of them. You were so sincere when you were with me, and I think.... if I could just see that smile, that special smile you saved for me... then everything would be alright.

	Why count the times that you feel low
	When you shine?

	But I won't see you, will I darlin'? Cos you're lying in some hole in Walford. I wanna be with you. Dennis had only been out of hospital four days when Vicki had to stop me leaving with him to go to the airport, to fly home to you. If you weren't there, I don't think I'd ever go back. It hurts more than ever before to think of that place and that's all because of you. But it's still home, and it's home now because that's where you are. I'm never gonna love again like I loved you y'know. Everything I have now is Dennis'.

	Cos you're stone cold wise
	I'm into what you're doin'

	I'm not so strong anymore. I was when I was with you because I needed to be with you so badly. You had such a faith in us, in how strongly we felt about each other that it had to rub off on me. Because you were everything. I've never fallen in love as hard as I did with you and we both know I've been in love many times. But you were it. You were my One. I know that because of how much we went through and we still came back to each other. We were meant. And, here alone, I wish we hadn't been, but you can't fight fate can you? I'd have died for you y'know. If that had been a choice, it would have been made without question and I'd have died instead. But then, I think of the pain that would have caused you. Because you'd have lost Dennis too, your precious son. I couldn't do that to you. Dennis would have been your chance to put right the wrongs Dad dealt to us both. And I know, I know there'd never have been a little boy in all the world loved as much as our son.

	And I wouldn't wanna happen to you
	Cos I'd never climb the 
	Walls you'd walk through
	And the smiling lies that always come
	To make you feel that I'm the one for you

	And that's still gonna happen, I promise. You were the one that made me a mummy, because you knew how much it meant to me, and I'm going to make you proud of me. Prove that you didn't knacker yourself out... that we didn't spend all those pound coins for nothing. I'll be the best mum ever to your son, I swear.

	So Dennis, before I actually go and tell Dot our news (Dennis Rickman, born June 28th 2006, at 4:16PM GMT, weighing 6lb, 12oz, to Sharon & Dennis) I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone and that's never gonna change. I'm gonna miss you every minute of every day until I'm with you again. I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever hurt you, I'm sorry we didn't have more time and most of all, I'm sorry I couldn't stop myself falling so in love with you. Because I think, if I had, you'd still be here. But you wouldn't be happy would you? Because, if I'd never loved you in the same way you love me, then.... then I wouldn't be writing to Dot.

	She loves you y'know. Just like me. She loved you for everything you ever said, ever did, because all those things, no matter what they were... they made you you, and it's you we love so much. 

	I know it feels like you spent your whole
	Life with people who tried to keep you in your place
	But no-one knows you better than me when I say
	No, no, no, no.
	And I wouldn't wanna happen to you
	Cos I'd never climb the 
	Walls you'd walk through
	And the smiling lies that always come
	To make you feel that I'm the one for you

	This shouldn't have happened to us Dennis. I'm not a stranger to heartbreak and neither are you. It's just... you and your son, you deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be together. And me... well I just wanna wipe my tears away and blend into it somewhere. And I'm so so sorry that we don't have a "somewhere" baby. It's all my fault.

	You pinned your hope on me like I'm all you'll find
	But I wouldn't wanna happen to you this time.

	So... I know now that I should never have happened to you. But I'll tell you something - I'm always gonna be so glad you happened to me.

	I love you darlin'. Always.