Retribution

I wish I could move. Do something. Anything. But I can't. I'm paralyzed by it. The sight of you... your clothes barely covering your body. You gave it away. To... God, I don't know who. And that shouldn't matter, cos I shoulda torn his throat out the second I lay eyes on him. But how did I even manage to do that? Jesus Christ, I only came back to grab your file to go through the delivery. Thought I'd be in and out, grabbing it from the side. Only it weren't there. And can you believe the thought of going in your room after so long, with things so different actually made me nervous? I almost didn't go up the stairs at all, thinking it could wait until you came back to the club.

And then I heard you. And God, I wish I hadn't. Sounds like that, coming from you, keep me from sleeping every night whilst I try and convince myself that it's all over, all... that... it's done. It is. So yeah, it was really brotherly concern that made me go across the landing, towards your room, really brotherly concern that made me feel quite so furiously sick.

Yeah right, look at you. You could barely stand up and yet you look like you care less than I have to pretend I do. You pull the door back and fall heavily against the door-frame, letting your head loll to the side as your hair falls across your face.

"Where'd he go?"

"Not tell you he was leaving then?" I snipe.

But it seems to go completely over your head. You smile wryly. "Didn't tell me much really."

"Get a name?"

Lifting your hand, you sweep you fringe from your eyes. "What's it to ya?"

I feel myself jolt. What's it to me? Oh God, if you knew.... I ain't never felt sicker in my life and I'm really battling the urge to tear out this house and rip him in half, whoever he is. I couldn't care I'm so wound up. He's just long jumped way over the-

Rickman, stop it! You ain't mine anymore remember? That's why-

That's why you're doing this.

I ignore your words, instead throw you a disgusted look, feeling my lip curl as I glance you up and down. "Look at the state of you..."

I want you to look back at me in the same way, have some sort of flare inside you I can still recognise as Sharon. But you just giggle, nodding your head to agree with me.

"Yeah, got a bit mad. But you know how it is... in the heat of the moment-" 

I can see the fire in your eyes, existing to do little more than torture me, challenging me to come back at you with some smart remark like always. Jesus Christ, there's no other way to get through a day without you anymore. Because still, you are so close and yet you could never be further away. Everything I try so hard not to remember of you has never really left me and my God, we both know how damn hard I've tried to forget. Only now, you've truly gone and done it - and I can't believe you did. So I can't look at you, gaze settled deliberately somewhere else because I feel so sick.

I know you notice and I see the way you smile, victorious somehow. You callous bitch.

You straighten up and lazily pad back into your room, leaving me jolting to keep down my nausea as my stomach lurches at the impact of your door slamming shut. And me? I'm just off to put my fist through a wall.

Well, actually, no. Hell, I'm angry enough to do it, but you know me... and that's exactly the problem. Why do it to yourself, Sharon? I'll never believe you got an ounce of pleasure outta having him paw at you. Honestly, could you have wanted him on top of you, with nothing to offer but clumsy groping hands? He could never have given you what you need, never have touched you in the ways you must be to make it all worth your while. And oh, I bet he thought it was Christmas, didn't he? Eager and willing... but still never enough.

But I know you too. Do you forget, or is that one fact the whole point? Was seeing the thunder in my face enough to make it all a little less laborious? Did revenge taste a little sweeter then, darlin'? Did it? Cos I know that's what this is. It's revenge. Because I'm with Zoe. Still. It makes you feel sick to see us together, but don't you know I just needed things to be normal?

Oh no, I realise bitterly; deciding instead to lay my hands on Den's over-prescribed tranquilisers and knock back a few with too much whiskey, I'd love to know what you'd say about that; I can already hear you telling me that us, what, existing in normality allows you the right to move on too. And you're right. I know you are. I was just never prepared for it. Did you know it'd kill me this much? Is this... one fumble... is this you really moving on? Or is this you hurting still, so determined to give me a slap in the face?

How could you do this to me?

~*~

I let the sheet drop from around me as I leave you to stomp off downstairs and try and hide your strop. You are such a child, Dennis. You deserve to feel as sick as I have done these last few weeks, seeing you with her? What right have you to be over me, when-? And how could you insult everything we had together and choose her? Tell me darlin', were you really that desperate to write me off as wrong? She's just a simpering, sickening little girl and you... you made it all happen y'know. I blame you because it is your fault. What kind of spineless bastard blames a woman for returning everything he wanted? I gave my everything to you whole heartedly and what? Suddenly Brothers & Sisters is the name of the game? Oh why did we ever bother?

I stand against my door, shivering with cold. And you know what? I could pretty much claw Whatever-That-Guy's-Name-Might-Have-Been's touch from my skin. But believe me, I don't do it to gratify the way you are down there, licking your wounds, wondering why I'd ever want to give up what was yours to any other man. And the answer? You're not mine anymore and I'm not sure I was ever yours. I'm my own person now, alone in the misery of this world. And now, I'm out to make my own mistakes. Big ones. And then maybe, when I look back on my wreck of a life, the idea I was ever stupid enough to fall in love won't feel as catastrophic as it does right now.

This is my life, Dennis and I'm determined to have no more regrets. So to see the agony in your face; you know, in that moment you were silently praying I could not tell; it makes it easier. You deserve to know the pain you've forced me to suffer through no fault of my own. All I ever did was love. So now I shan't dare. I'll live the way you did when we first met. Free and easy, without a care for anyone or anything in the world. I refuse to feel ashamed. Whatever-His-Name-Was really wasn't as bad as you're no doubt convincing yourself he was. I'd be perfectly happy to take him as you have taken Zoe. To spite me, to forget the world's worth of better lovers...

But life has to move on, don't it? You should know... you gave mine a hard enough shove.

So I carefully dress in fresh clothes, a well meant smile on my lips, no breath of a lie as I brush through my hair. The bristles keep tickling at the back of my ear and as I tug the brush all the way down to the ends of my hair, I realise that my little diamond stud is missing from my lobe.

"Shit." I curse beneath my breath, dropping down onto my knees on the carpet. I press my ear against the fibres, peeking beneath my bed. I ain't losing one of those... Vicki sent them over for me from Tiffany's one year. I reach in, grappling to feel anything at all. I find a couple of old till receipts that make me wince to look at the sub-totals, pennies; and then... something else. Soft and scrunched, I hold the material tight in my fist, trying to figure what it might be whilst I still have absolutely no hope of seeing it. So I pull it out, falling back on my knees in defeat as I realise what I hold.

It's your Raging Bull t-shirt... under my bed... how have you not missed this? How did you lose it? 

Oh. How else?

I bet you know it too, but don't have the nerve to even raise the words to claim back this, your favourite. I have to physically stop myself burying my face in the material to become intoxicated by your scent. Oh for God's sake Sharon, pull yourself together, will you? What choice do I have? I can't go on romanticising every detail of you can I? Because for you to know that's what I do... well, you're the one that gave up.

Bravely, I drag myself up from the floor and make that momentual decision. I could have just stuffed it back under the bed, pretend I never saw it, never had the memories of all the times we've spent together in my bed begging to be thought of just once more to hurt me a little more. I have to be better than that, stronger or because of you, I'll never know myself again. I won't let you do that to me. So, fighting to keep my breathing regular and steady, I grow a little stronger for every heavy step down the stairs, the resolve hardening within me to meet this moment head on and have it gone, never to be thought of again.

I see you there in the kitchen, back to me, like seems usual now, as you sit, brooding like only you can in the kitchen. And I'm pretty assured by what I can smeel even from here it isn't tea in the mug you're holding so fiercely in your hands. Is that how you're gonna play everything you can't handle now? A drunken oblivion? Oh, good luck to you, my darlin'.

I drop my gaze, stroking across the folds of your t-shirt with my thumbs as I hold it in my hands. I draw in a deep breath and step round the edge of the table, hoping I sound pretty much nonchalant as I carelessly drop it down in front of you, already turning away.

"I found this-"

I catch you looking so reluctantly up at me out the corner of your eye as I reach to pick it up. "What is it?"

I don't answer you, feeling one of them bastard lumps rise in my throat that I wish so badly I could simply choke down. I just smile weakly turn back towards the counter, needing anything more than to look at you right now.

You go ahead and unfold it. "God, I thought I'd lost this-"

"Yeah well, you haven't, have ya?" I can't seem to help but snap, biting desperately down into my lip as I realise I've done it. Tears are burning in my eyes that I can't seem to blink back, but I'm damned if I'll let them fall. I'm stronger now, you hear me?

"Where d'you find it? Sharon?"

I compose myself and face you, somehow managing to mean the soft smile I send your way. I hunch my shoulders, telling myself and you it doesn't matter anymore.

"Under my bed."

You look back at me like I just punched you in the chest. How can everything you wanted once now seem to scare you so much? I pity you and I never thought I could.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"Well, wait... what you doing under your bed?"

"Lost an earring." I pull gently on my empty lobe. You don't even blink.

"Not found it?"

"No."

You just nod, and I know that it took all your strength and creativity just to ask that last question. What the Hell happened to you? You can't lay the blame at my door this time. I'm just here, never doing anything you didn't want me to do in the first place.

Silently, I head towards the door. I did what I came to do. But I see you move back over to the cupboards, I hear you reach up, clicking the safety cap of a bottle of pills roughly in your hands, hear you shake what I instinctively know is too many pills out and I sigh, turning back to you reluctantly, wincing as I realise I'm too late to stop you swallowing the lot. You know I've seen you do it, and I can tell in your dull eyes you know I disapprove. But you just smile wryly, baby, you barely care.

"Why's it like this, Dennis?"

"Dunno what you mean."

"Yes you do." I insist, amazed at how calm I have remained. Maybe it's just not in me to be angry anymore. "Why have you made it so hard?"

And you choke slightly on your quiet, mocking laughter as you glare at me. "I'm sorry, did I force you to go at it with that-" The anger that burns across your face tells me you're ready to brand the nameless bloke with every name under the sun instead, but I'm not gonna allow that, cos you know what, you make me angry too!

I turn my head away, rolling my eyes; "You'd love to think it's all about you wouldn't you?" You glare at me more intensely than ever. I think you're starting to hate, because I'm not down on my knees, breaking for you. At least you've never lost your nerve I suppose, but my God, it grates. "Get over yourself, Dennis." I scoff. "God knows, you got over us quick enough."

Oh Christ, I said that out loud, didn't I?

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No, you're not." you answer coldly.

"Look, I- I did it cos I wanted to. The guy's nothing to do with you, like Zoe's nothing to do with me yeah?"

"Whatever."

"Fine." I snipe, fed up with your cold childishness, even if I should probably be used to it by now. "But this is the way you wanted it remember?"

And with that, I rush back up to my room, the soles of my bare feet stinging as the fibres of the carpet burn against them. I jump outta my skin at the force with which I slam my door. I guess I'm a little more angry than I can bear to realise. Can't you see I'm trying, so damn painstakingly to let go of everything you make like you've forgotten? Don't you see it's only you that stops me moving on?

If you must insist on playing this tedious role of my brother, then... how can I cling to the past? It means nothing now does it? The man I love so fiercely still... he doesn't exist because... because you refuse to remember he was ever within you. Fine. Then as of now Dennis darlin', I want you out of my life, and maybe then we can get on with playing this game without me having to always feel like some part of me is missing. I'd rather destroy the treacherous memories myself than suffer the knowledge they are forever lost. And believe me, I'm ready to do that. I need to be myself again. Myself alone. I need, just like you, to forget I was ever part of anything bigger than that, better and so damn consuming.

And all my memories of you Dennis, they're hidden away in one gift box, a messy stack of one hundred and forty seven photographs precisely. A couple are likely to be ruined with tears by now. Oh God, you don't know how many times I've so lovingly gone through this box since you started sleeping with her. I'm pathetic, but then I'm the one that don't wanna give up aren't I? How can I when I know how good it felt. I look at these photos, feeling your arms around me in the warmth of the Spanish sun, your kisses always on my feverish skin and I don't understand how you could make yourself forget darlin', or why you'd want to. Every one of these moments felt so good. Immortalised so they might last forever. But I don't want to be tortured anymore. I don't wanna be so desperate to remember what you now say was never real.

So this time, I don't even lift the lid. I just take the box from the top of my wardrobe and hold it heavy in my hands. I drop down onto the balls of my feet again and go back across the landing, moving slowly down the stairs. As I turn off the last one, I see you there, leant heavily against the counter, the empty pill bottle lying so pathetically on its side. I know you can feel me close and you turn your head with such a precise suspicion, well darlin', you frighten me a little.

"You knew I'd feel like this didn't you? You knew I'd feel this sick."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't fuck me about!" you yell, with such a raw pain. "The idea of you, with... oh God, I could kill him, I could-"

"You're jealous."

The word out, oh you hate me all the more for it, slamming your fist down hard on the counter top. "You think I want to be?"

"But you've... you've got no right." I whisper, stunned. But you just look back at me all the more maddened and I feel my voice shiver. "I never gave up on you! I never said it was over!"

"Yeah well, it is, isn't it?" you hiss. But the venom dies away in the next second and you struggle with the words you so need to get out. "Was he... the first?"

"Yes."

"Right. And did you... feel like this when I-"

"-started fucking Zoe Slater?" I finish bluntly, my own agony roaring to the surface. "Worse."

But you shake your head, so stubbornly refusing to believe me. "You can't feel worse than this."

"Says who?" I demand hatefully. "This is one day Dennis. I've had her... with you on a loop in my head for months. It's like you're trying to kill me and I hope to God you feel something close right now cos it's no more than you deserve."

"So how many more are there gonna be Sharon, eh? How many?"

"Why's it matter anymore? I'm nothing to do with you, am I?"

Maybe that's what hurt you the most. As I reach over to push my box over onto the side, you seize my wrist, exerting a painful pressure on my wrist so I can't put it down. But you don't even notice you're hurting me. Maybe you don't care.

"C'mon then, sister to brother, how good was he?"

Your words make me forget the pain that coarses through my wrist. And I can't hold off the smirk that flickers to the side of my mouth. With my other hand, I carefully sweep my fringe away from my eyes and give you the most piercing look I can. "In comparison to who, Dennis?" I question, already knowing your real question. "My own divine little brother?"

You shove me away. But I regain my balance pretty easily. I ain't down Dennis. I won't give you the satisfaction darlin'.

"Christ knows how you ever thought this'd work." I tell you scathingly. "I tried to tell before, you know I did. Brothers and sisters never do what we've done- what you wanted!"

"It weren't just me!"

"No, it wasn't. I know that. It's you that wants to forget. And me, I've never given up trying to give you what you want, Dennis. But you must know this is never gonna fit!"

I know you do. I can still hear your words in my ears. "Brothers and sisters? Saying it don't make it true." Only, you never [i]did[/i] say it. You just left me. And you know, in all your pretences, I've never stopped. Only, you've never given me anything to hold on to have you? So, I have to know;

"How'd you get it straight in your head, Dennis? C'mon tell me, how have you justified this to yourself? Sleeping with me one week, [i]her[/i] the next? How do you make yourself forget [b]that's[/b] what we've done?"

You gulp down half a breath, gripping the edge of the counter so fiercely your knuckles have whitened like the whole thing could come off in your hands. "I have to." you mumble, an edge in your voice that tells me how much you hate me. Why baby, why d'you hate me? Because you know I've had another's touch in your place? Because now you know what you gave up? Why does it affect you so much, why do you stand with your whole body trembling, the muscles in your backed twitching in vicious spasms you cannot control? We're apart now. We're done.

But now I know that against your will, you remember.

"What for? For Dad? C'mon Dennis, I never got told what he said to you that day. You just upped and left me. Did he promise you a kickaround in the park, a train set at Christmas, if only you were a good lad and ended everything going on between us? Everything [b]you[/b] started?"

"Shut up..." you hiss warning, gripping the edge tighter still, shaking your head fiercely from side to side to block out my words. "Shut [b]up[/b]!"

"I never [b]wanted[/b] you! I told you, the first night, I told you I wanted our family!"

"Well, so do I!" you yell in aggravation, slamming your hand down onto the surface, wishing so much more it was a fist.

"So why did I have to love you? Why did you [i]make[/i] me? Because I did, but I loved you for my own! And I think you left me because I couldn't love you for Dad... because [b]he[/b] was the one you [i]really[/i] wanted. He told you it'd all be alright this way, didn't he?"

"It will." you gulp desperately, fighting to convince no-one but yourself. "It just... It just needed to [b]stop[/b]. Now it has. It'll be alright."

"Fuckin' Hell, he's got you right where he wants you, hasn't he? How has it [i]stopped[/i], Dennis? I should be able to sleep my way round this Square, just like you did and you shouldn't wanna bat an eyelid cos you shouldn't care anymore. But you do, don't you? You really think I'll hold back just cos you don't wanna hear me when I've heard [i]her[/i] for so long? I won't. So just you keep screwing round with little girls, little brother and I... I'll sleep with as many men as it takes until I find the one that's not ashamed to remember everything we've done, alright? I don't want you looking through me anymore. None of this is my fault. I'm moving on too."

You straighten your back, staring hard out the window as you laugh, cold and mocking before you glance icily back over your shoulder at me. "Course you are. Cos nothing beats whoring about town does it, Sharon?"

"You tell me." I hit back coolly. "I'm only following your lead. Pretending I need somebody. [i]Anybody.[/i] Just like you. I mean, how else did we arrive at Zoe Slater eh?"

Your whole face darkens. Gotta say, I'm impressed. Well, more amused. Cos really, you should be knocking me halfway across the room, cos you just know I'm gonna love tearing strips outta the smug little whore. But you're not. And that tells me you don't really care.

"Leave her out of it." you growl.

"Outta what?" I press, feigning innocence. "There's nothing anymore is there? Still... smacks of desperation it does. But I guess, she was there. Ready and willing, just as desperate. If I didn't know better-"

"You [b]don't[/b]."

"-I'd say you suited each other. But it's painful really. I mean, what, you gonna build a picture of domestic bliss for Dad to approve of? When d'he last look your way Dennis, honestly?"

You turn steadily, glaring at me with pure hate in your eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh I do darlin'. I know him too well. And he's really pullin' your strings ain't he?" I sigh gently and I know you feel patronised. Me, I just feel sad. "Mind, you do seem to have a habit of forcing things it turns out you don't really want..."

"It weren't like that." you snap, glowering at me.

"I don't [i]care[/i]." I bite back, jolting a little as I realise how true that is. I [i]don't[/i] care. "You were supposed to keep it together, not give up. But hey, long as you heal right, never mind the mess I was in! I never wanted it, you [b]made[/b] me love you! I don't even know who you are anymore, but... you're not who I remember. You're some... cruel imitation I'm left with. Christ knows what I found in you to love so much."

It sounds as though you hardly know the words even left your mouth, a defeated whisper holding them. "I never knew either."

"You sounded genuine." I point out flatly. "You know, I really believed every word you said, the day it ended. You didn't have to let that happen. None of it [i]ever[/i] needed to happen."

"No." you concede, shrugging.

"So why did it? I coulda been on my knees wanting to keep you and you wouldn't have seen me. Do you remember, is that why you look through me, so you don't have to?"

You just blink and I can already tell how glassy your eyes are, blocking me out.

"I gave you your family back." you state simply, shrugging as if that's it and I should be eternally grateful.

"So what?" I push, feeling my own agony begin to fizz in my chest. 

"So- So now it can all be alright! We... can all be together."

"Yeah? Happy families, brothers and sisters?"

You flinch. [b]You[/b] forced this and yet it's you that can't stand it. It's you that tore it down, let me turn the world on its head to tell you that I love you.

"Yeah." you manage. "Yeah..."

I tilt my head thoughtfully to the side, contently studying your face. "Close or-" I purse my lips. "-[i]not?[/i]" 

You don't say anything. You glare at me and then decide to become fixated with a spot on the floor. But I'm not gonna give up. For all the pain you made me suffer for your facade of love, I deserve some answers, and to torment you a little in the process.

"C'mon Dennis, let's think about it. Family occassions... Dad's birthday, Christmas... what you doing with yourself? Are you all over Zoe, pretending you don't know I'm there at all? Or will you bite the bullet? Show Dad what perfect siblings we can be, hugs and a peck on the cheek? Cos I know what'll happen. You'll be squirming so much inside, you'll miss and nearly, so nearly, kiss me like you used to. And you won't want to, you'll try not to, but you won't be able to stop yourself thinking about all the ways you [i]used[/i] to kiss me. And I know what you'll be doing for the rest of that night. You'll be stood in the corner, really watching just how close I am to the men you don't know, and never admitting to yourself why you feel so sick, what it is you [i]really[/i] want. And I'll only be able to give you the kinda look, the kinda smile sisters give their little brothers. I'll have to look at you the way Vicki looks at Mark. You really ready for that?"

A little too quickly, you scoff, your whole face crumpling in disgust. "Jesus... do you hear yourself?"

I just smile tightly. "I'd rather me than you. I've heard way too much of [i]you[/i]. But then, you don't even notice I'm here to listen anymore. Where d'you get off on punishing me? I did this the way [b]you[/b] wanted - I've done [i]everything[/i] you wanted. And what, you can just bury everything you're supposed to have felt cos suddenly you know it was all wrong?"

You're motionless as you look back at me. But I can tell you're antsy, you're shifting your weight really gradually, like you're trying to separate the ground so it can swallow you up. That don't happen though so you push against the side and leave the room. Just like that. If only I could get away that easy.

"Face it, Dennis!" I call out blindly, not knowing what you'll do as you hear me. "None of this is really you. It's Dad. The long-awaited third party in what you used to call our relationship. And what right's he got to do this to me, eh? Why's he get to take you from me when I did all the fighting for us?"

Somehow, when I focus on you, I see you're mildly amused, licking fleetingly at your dry lips as you laugh. "You?"

"Me, yeah."

"That's rich."

"Oh Dennis, don't go off on one. You wore me down into bed, nothing else. You talked me into going public. You're the one that's let it all fall apart. Not me. I'm just here, and I wouldn't feel any different if I didn't know you try and pretend it never happened. I don't want a man that gutless. How's he made you so weak?"

I know nothing could infuriate you more. You whirl round, eyes ablaze with the kinda fury to keep me alive. "I'm [b]not[/b] weak."

"It's not your own mind anymore, of course you are."

Your lips curve into a sneer. "You just can't handle it can ya? I don't [i]want[/i] you like that."

"No?"

"No." you hiss back stiffly. I bow my head gracefully, accepting this.

"Then I guess you better learn eh?" You frown in your confusion and I smile. "Wouldn't want you to miss now would we?"

You go completely rigid. You're stone as I come confidently towards you. You don't trust me, but that's OK - I was a fool to trust you too. I stand in front of you, almost able to taste the breath you won't breathe. I stretch up and press my lips to your cheek. You're quivering. You're [i]scared[/i].

"It's OK." I whisper, amidst a soft laugh. "I give up too."

I hear your half breath get lodged sharply in your throat. And the next thing I know your hand is tight around my wrist, jerking my whole arm. I turn steadily back on my heel, knowing I'll meet the utter confusion in your face.

"Never thought I would huh? Well, if this is you, then what I remember, it's [i]lies[/i] isn't it, Dennis? And I'm free to fuck my way through the county because... well, there [b]was[/b] never anyone to hurt. You don't know how. You just want me there for when you get bored of her, cos you know I'll be just like you, I'll tell you to use me. But that's all. I'm so [i]sick[/i] of loving you."

"You just wanna reaction..." you hiss spitefully from the doorway as I move back into the kitchen. I splutter indignantly on my next breath.

"[b]You[/b] wanted to kill him! You can't have it both ways Dennis! You either let me get on with it or-"

"He had no right to be here..."

"This is [b]my[/b] home, it's you with no place here anymore! You remember, you got with her just to kid yourself you forget! How's that working Dennis, sleeping with Zoe in the same bed that we-?"

You wince, fighting to breath steadily as you force your eyes shut, whispering; "Shut [i]up[/i]..."

"C'mon, what d'you see when you're there, what are you [i]not[/i] remembering?"

You scowl, eyes snapping open in the next second just to spite me, eyes ablaze with anger.

"Jesus Christ Dennis, you're [i]pathetic[/i]. I mean, I never really thought it [i]could[/i] work out but... going back to [i]this[/i]? It's [b]sick[/b]. You know we can never go back, you must know it. Cos you can't ignore it can ya? You want to, but you can't because, hey, it's alright for you to hook up with the first little tart to pout at ya but, me? What, I'm just supposed to stay, existing, for your gratification? You wouldn't do this to Vicki."

"You know it's different."

"[b]How?[/b]" I demand shrilly, the anger beginning to pound. "You [i]left[/i] me! And somehow darlin', I've learnt to live with that. It's over. Fine. But I want my life back. It's not yours anymore. I just wanna get on. And you... you can carry on this way."

"Yeah?" you snipe coldly. "And what about you?"

"What [i]about[/i] me?" I challenge.

"Are you anyone's now?"

"I live this way for [b]you[/b]. I said I'd do it just to know you! But I don't do I? When d'you change so much? Cos I never thought you'd pretend it never happened, I never thought you'd make it [i]this[/i] hard!"

"What do you [b]want[/b] me to do?"

"Don't let him take everything from us. You know how it was, you know he's wrong. But hey, long as he don't stop your pocket money eh? God... why can't you just [i]admit[/i] it was good, that's all I need but instead... you just pretend I don't exist anymore. D'you know how cruel that is? You don't speak to me unless you have to, and even then you don't look me in the eye! And yet, the second I try and do something for me-"

You flinch, your whole face like a wall of stone as you glower at me. "And did he?" you push. "[i]Do[/i] it for you?"

"Managed fine, thanks. But then... you knew that. That's what's got you like this. C'mon Dennis, tell me it was brotherly concern that's wound you up this much? Tell me [i]that's[/i] why you wanna tear his throat out..." 

"I told you..." you growl in frustration, kicking at the cupboard beneath the sink to vent the emotion you can't comprehend. "I don't [b]want[/b] to feel like this."

Oh God, you infuriate me so badly. I might as well be banging my head against a brick wall. I know you understand what I need to hear you say. I just need to know you remember. But you won't. Suddenly it's dirty and twisted, everything you so convinced me in the beginning that it could never be. And I hate you for that. I hate that you're no longer brave enough to acknowledge the man I love.

"Yeah?" I hiss back, seizing the gift box, weighed down with too many memories I know more than ever are pointless now. "Well I don't [i]want[/i] to remember a pack of lies! Here!"

I thrust it at you, but it's not in your grasp as it leaves my hands. The box clatters to the floor, the lid dislodged and photos spilling out everywhere. I force my eyes tight shut, not needing to ever see another sunkissed you, holding a smiling me in a way that somehow made me believe you'd never let go. How d'you make me out to be such a fool, Dennis?

Carefully, I focus on you, nothing but you. You're not moving, completely stunned as photos flutter down all around to the floor. You don't know what you're supposed to do, say, or think. Don't wanna mess with the iron set up you've worked out in your head eh? God forbid you remember.

"What... What are all these?"

I hardly know anymore.

"You should burn them." I answer flatly. "You'll probably enjoy it."

Your lips fall in confusion and leaning against the back of one of the chairs around the table, you gingerly pick up just one photo. "Oh..."

"Yeah. Oh. I want to forget too. I don't want to remember someone who was never real. Just get rid of them."

You rise steadily, putting the photo down on the table. You nibble anxiously at your lip, not saying a word as you look at me, and oh, I wish you wouldn't. You've always known the power you have over me, Dennis, you've always known how to use it. And in that look, so hurt and confused, you're doing it right now.

"I hate you." I hiss sincerely. "I hate you so much."

Silent still, you nod gently, taking half a step forward. I stumble three back, backed into a corner.

"And I know you hate it, the idea I could want anyone after you! I know it hurts cos I'm the one that's been living it for the last few months! So maybe I do mean to hurt you too, why shouldn't I? I just need you to remember that... it meant something, [i]anything[/i], and you just don't [b]dare[/b]. But maybe used is as used does eh? Maybe it was only ever sex, maybe you never needed feeling! My God, I envy you!"

There's no flicker of emotion on your face yet, but me, the pain's raw, it's spilling out and I blame you. Still, you come so gradually forward, soundlessly, just listening. You're probably not taking it in, but still, you have no choice to listen, just like I don't have a choice when you take a child to bed in the place of everything we had that felt so good. How's she do for filling that void?

I should have known there was in a threat in this moment. I stopped breathing the moment I felt the heat of your body on mine. I want out, but you only offer me one escape. You grab me so roughly, I would have yelled out in furious protest, if only your lips had not crushed down to mine, stealing my breath before I even knew what words I could scream out to keep you back...

What did you expect me to do Sharon? This is the last thing I wanted to feel, but now we both know it don't we? I'll screw around to forget you, but you're never really gone, no matter how I try and kid myself. If you were, then you're right. I could take your sisterly smiles and have no fear should I ever lean to kiss you. But God, you're perhaps the only one that knows how tight and sickened the knot in my stomach is just trying to imagine myself doing such a thing. I've only ever kissed you one way and that itself is the only way I can stop you hating me as much as you profess to. I don't blame you for doing it, I'm with you in doing it, but oh, I wish you wouldn't.

That's why I can't stop myself grabbing you. I swear, I didn't know I'd end up doing what I do. To be honest, I wanted to throw you against the wall, yell at you to get the Hell outta my head. You're not supposed to have any right anymore either, you don't belong, not when I was so certain I'd finally gotten everything straight in my head. I don't look through you cos I don't want to see you. I look through you cos I haven't got the nerve to face up to how much I miss you. I miss touching you the way you let that worthless creep touch you this afternoon. I hate you for letting him, I hate that I wasn't here in time to stop such a fuckin' atrocity happening at all. But how can I admit that? I ain't got the words and even I did, I'd never be brave enough to use 'em. Is that what frustrates you the most? I can't do it, I just can't. If I did, I wouldn't belong anywhere. Not after everything.

But I've never been the one in control of my senses, my own emotions. Since the second we met, that was you. I resent you for it, because that makes it your fault I manage to present such weaknesses. I should have just thrown you to the wall, shouldn't I? I think you coulda taken that. But I couldn't. Because I swore I'd never hurt you again, and even with the frustration to do it, I'd never forgive myself. But I can already hear what you'd say, in that cold way you can't seem to help but speak to me now. "You don't have to lay your hand on me to hurt me." Don't you know that makes me feel worse, pushes me further back? Because it seems whatever I say or do these days, I can never help but hurt you, and that in itself means I deserved to come home earlier and hear you... up there with him. That realisation is more than I can bear.

Holding you there so roughly as you stand backed into the corner behind the door, what was I meant to do? Cos you're the one in control now, even though I know that's probably the last bloody thing you want. And it might be my fault, reading the fury and pain in your eyes for something I can take for my own, but this is you - I've never been able to help myself, have I?

So, I force my lips down to yours, needing your sweet taste to right everything again, like it used to do when I could take no more. But at least then the venom didn't come from you. I just want it to stop. I don't for a moment consider you'll revoke me, I need you too much to ever let it happen, but oh, the relief as you cave back against the wall, grappling to reach up and bestow your feverish, raking touch, kissing me as fiercely as you have ever done...

I rake my hand through your hair, forcing your kiss harder upon mine with the pressure I exert. I want to wrench your whole body forward, feel you as close as you can possibly be. I have to feel your skin burning against mine, I want you to see it hasn't changed... that I still want you, more than any nameless pick-up ever could. And we both know you are mine; you'll never mean the same to someone else. You'll never be able to do to another what you seem so effortlessly to do to me. Maybe I can't be played anymore, maybe I've had enough. Anything so long as you won't hate me anymore. I don't know any other way to make it better.

But maybe this is all you need, your scorching palms held tight around my jaw, leg instinctively raised that small distance to reach and wind me in against you. But I don't just want your kisses. I want your body, I wanna burn away in this journey of rediscovery and I just... I want you to stop. You know where you belong. Stop fighting it so much with such staunch hatred - we both know it's lost in the end.

The first involuntary shiver to coarse through you makes me tingle. The first moan is like... it's like returning to an addiction. Abstainence was never worth it beside such a blissful sound and I need more, I wanna give you it. I'm the only one that can.

I kiss and bite, a little too viciously maybe across the slope of your neck. You wince, but I remember what just the tiniest shocks of pain can do for you. I want you to have that. But oh, your lips have always been so damn irresistable and I can't help but return so forcefully to them and for a moment or two, you're so eager to have me, your hands reaching. But they settle against my chest and you push me back, hardly an inch or two.

"No..." you murmur thickly. "No..."

I hear your protests well enough, but I won't let you return to them. I won't. I want you more than the cruelty of sense and confusion. It's worthless to us. So without a breath in between your words and my reaction, I case your jaw and pull you roughly forward to my insistent, desperate lips. I know you want this, and worse, I know we need it. So I won't hear you. I'll get by on the selfishness you say I musta felt that first night, to make you have me in the way I needed you to. I'll kiss you still, knowing any thought of protest is lost in your next throaty gasp.

You arch up, outta the corner and I have to move back. But I don't let go, holding you fiercely for every moment I know you haven't screamed out in a blaze of regret and bastard level-headedness for me to let you go. Moments ago, it was what you wanted. But I won't allow it and it no longer seems to faze you. I can feel your heart hammering against mine, and I understand what an incomprehensible mess your thoughts must seem right now. So you're letting them go, lost in nothing but this haze of lust. You're desperate to forget because I won't remember. I've always remembered, always. I'm just too much of a... a man to admit it. I defy you to forget me now.

Your whole body seems to rest a little heavy against mine but I understand and pull you round the edge of the door, never surrendering your breath or your dizzying kisses as I force you into the hall. You kinda stumble, but still our lips never part as you lead the way. We seem to enjoy the way each must torment the other with the effort of the stairs. But you know me, the challenge is there to be conquered. We claw desperately at one another's clothes, you already raking angry red groves all over my chest and arms in your readiness. We move up, in a tangle of limbs and furious, unforgiving lust, each of us shedding clothes is all over the stairs.

Does it hurt a little less yet? Can you feel a little more? I swear, Sharon, I'm never gonna have ya feel so negatively about me. You might only be mine in confusion, me left with no option but to take you in my sheer frustration, but still, you're mine. And I won't give you up until you know that, yes, it's all gone wrong, and no, I can't live this way either. I can't get by on so little from you. And I can't let anyone else have you.

We stagger and weave into your room, falling across the width of your bed. Your nails cut sharply into my shoulders as you drop, but I'll take that too. Your near-nakedness, your apparant vulnerability, isn't enough. I want all of you, undress you quickly with needy hands. Do you really know how beautiful you are? Can't you see how wasted you'd be on any other man but me? Where did he touch? Was it the same way? How did he make it enough for you to give him everything that was mine?

Possessed to some level, I cover your body with the warmth of my own, moving over you, further and further down, kissing and biting every beautiful inch I see, claiming you. And I know you want it, I know. Because I can feel the tension in your whole body, the way you jolt and quiver, writhing against the bed, moaning those gentle fuck-me moans. Any words you could say now definitely wouldn't be ones to refuse me. You keep twitching all through your luscious legs, and you can't help but shift to gently part your legs, inviting everything you need, everything you'll never stop me giving. Do you still hate me, even as I kiss your sweet, exposed heat, lapping up the taste that rushes from you? Do you remember me?

I move up over you again, and I stare deep into your eyes, glassy with lust, with surrender. And I can't help but wonder if you see me either. I can be angry at you too, y'know. You gave up what was mine. You wanted all those memories erased. I've never said it was good, Sharon, because I never needed to. Together, we always knew. And I may have made things different now, but the facts of the past don't change do they? You are my father's daughter. That's why I thought we had to live this way. But you are my lover. You know everything I was never brave enough to reveal to another living soul. You love me, you tease me. And today, for all the hurt this mess has caused, you frustrate and hate me. But still you are mine.

So I don't want your words, your reasoning or your protests. I go ahead and make a vicious, selfish kind of love to you, needing you to realise nothing, not even your supposed hatred can stop me taking you like I did that first night, and making you mine. You'll never be anyone else's. Your weakness, your willingness proves it. Still you moan and tremble, but in some small way I resent the release I give you because now I know, I really know I'm not the only one that has. I could ignore your past forever. But this... this is our present and... hours ago, you willing gave yourself to someone that'll never want you this way. He'll never make you feel like this. And you can't tell me you don't want it. Because I can feel how much you need it, so close to the height of oblivion. You know no-one else can give that to you the way you want it. No-one.

Tell me you hate me now.  

Now it’s me that doesn’t know what I’m supposed to do or say or think. I’m just here like stone, hardly knowing how it got like this. But you do, don’t you? So you tell me, Dennis, how did it get like this? Just... how is it even logical in your head? You’re the one that’s turned the tables on me again and again, how am I ever supposed to know where I am with you? You say you want the family and the next, I’m thrown into the corner, forced to taste your fury and your jealousy in the most fierce, consuming kisses I’ve ever known come from your lying lips.

I told you “No!” and do you even know why? Do you care? Oh, you wouldn’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be lying there, inches from me, sleeping soundly, sated now. I cannot relax beside you. I refuse to lie here, pretending this makes it all OK. Oh, I am too ashamed and confused to even entertain the idea of it. Carefully, I peel back the duvet, drawing my knees up to my chest and swinging my feet away from the bed and down to the floor. I’m rigid as I go, terrified I’ll wake you. I’m not ready to be around you yet – I never wanted to be in the first place, why didn’t you get that? 

I creep cautiously across the rough carpet, jumping at the way my wardrobe door must creak so loudly as I reach to open it, terrified you will stir. But a quick, sickened glance back towards the rumpled bed, and I see you haven’t moved. How can you sleep so easy when you were the one to refuse me every such moment as this when I might have wanted them?

I wrap my thick, fluffy dressing gown around my naked body, shuddering a little with the cold that bites at my skin, with repulsion. I pull the sash almost unbearably tight, but bear it I will, hiding away from all these intrusions, from you.

I have the resolve, as ever, to run, to escape. I slide around my door, stealing as quietly as I can across the landing. As I stand at the top of the stairs, looking down upon the front door and beyond, my escape, I finally allow myself a much needed breath. After all, only a few brave steps remain between me and... and my sanity, if I could just get out of here. Gingerly, I drop down the first few steps, willing myself on. But my foot brushes against the soft material of my top. And I flinch as I recognise our clothes, strewn everywhere. And I’m frozen, in disbelief and disgust. I’m not going anywhere, but oh, these hideous memories are not to stay – not in my home.

Crazed, I pound down the stairs, snatching up every garment into clawed hands. I can barely hold them, they feel so... tainted. A regretful lump swells in my throat, almost managing to make me gag. But I am determined, bundling this shameful tangle of evidence into the washing machine. I leap a good few inches from the kitchen floor, startled by the volume I have created by slamming the door so hastily, needing to lock it all away.

I move back towards the staircase, listening out for you with a tight feeling of nausea in my stomach. I try not to look up towards the landing – I don’t want to see you there. But I can hardly help but look as I begin to climb the stairs again, my each step heavier and heavier. I’d give anything to be running in the other direction right now. 

But there is no sound, no movement to fear. So all that is left is fear itself. I sink down heavily on a hard step not far from the top. My energy is gone and I loll against the banister, left to do nothing but torture myself with the thoughts that just won’t stop going round. Why’d you ever have to make it so complicated, hurt me so much? I don’t just hate you anymore – I hate myself too, I hate how I could have been so damn weak. But I refuse to be weak enough to cry. 

But oh, to surrender the ability, the burden of thinking too. It’s all I want to run, to not have to think or feel or be certain – I’d leave that all to you, let you torture yourself as I have done since you took her to your bed in my place. Only now I know she’s welcome to it. This... it’s a horrible place. Because when you finally drag yourself from my bed, forced to acknowledge everything you’ve made me a part of, you’ll blame me. Never mind that you’ve given me enough reason to feel hurt and angry towards you until the day I die. 

Maybe you’re right to though, eh? After all, I was the one stupid to give in. I found the courage to tell you “No!” even as your mouth mashed against mine, determined to take back everything you once considered your own. But you wouldn’t hear me and I... I let you carry on, I kissed you back. What is this sick power you have over me, Dennis? Must you only use it to be so cruel? You took what you wanted, and just like last time, I hardly know who or what I’ve been left with. Why do I never learn? Your chosen solutions will never cause anything but more problems, more pain. And I thought you wanted the easy life. Me, I just want to know I could go without making the same, stupid mistakes again. Don’t you know I’ve had enough?

You’ll never hear me say such words, will you? Dismissing my certainty, my courage, you’ll still intoxicate me as ever. Because you think you know, you think you can dictate how I feel. But I can’t go on loving you with these same hateful breath. I cannot spare both emotions. Not for you. Besides, both together make no sense, I have no use.

My neck still twinges and throbs with the dull gony of where you let your frustrations mark my flesh. You tell me how I meant to explain such angry, obvious marks away to this precious family, Dennis? How can I make another such episode that you have forced upon me, for nothing other than your own selfishness and fury, evaporate into nothing o you might look at me occassionally like you don’t despise me or blame for everything that’ gone so disastrously wrong in your miserable life?

There are too many unanswerable questions and the fear tightens my chest unbearably, and I know it will only be worse when I have to face you – face up to everything. I don’t think I’m brave enough to go through that again. I tried to do that for you the first time, remember? But it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’ll bother this time. I mean, how could you? I told you I wanted to get on with the little that remains of my normal life and you layed mercilessly on my weaknesses, perhaps doing nothing at all as you manage to do so much.

I pick childishly at the paint on the banister, feeling so lonely and uncertain. What right have you got to do this to me, Dennis? You were supposed to know what you wanted and you made it clear that that weren’t me.

I’m lost to that misery, minutes feeling like hours. But still I sense you at the very first second. I hear the door creak, I hear the hesitant steps. I feel sick but for a moment, I can’t help but wonder if you feel similarly to me. Are you about to try and make a run for it, pretend that everything can be nice and normal again, if only you can make it back to Zoe quick enough, to cover her in your liar’s kisses. But you’ll turn the corner and you’ll see I sit here, in your way. Do you think that’s why I do it? To keep you back, to have you for my own? Nothing could be further from the truth now Dennis.

I’d leap up and disappear myself if I could, but I’m too horrorstruck to move. This is it. The moment I have no choice but to face up to.

I feel you move closer, I feel your eyes settle on my back. They burn, as if I really am being examined, like something alien. But I do my best to ignore you, biting into my lip as you come down the first few steps. And then, you’re behind me. I could move, let you by. I should. After all, you’re too close for me to bear now. But that don’t appear to be what you want. Without a sound, you settle yourself on the stair behind me. I can hardly believe your nerve, and can’t stop myself whirring round to glare at you. But there’s no flicker of emotion on your face. Your eyes are dim. You let your head rest lazily at a slight tilt against the wall and fleetingly, you smile, hardly daring to breathe a word.

“Hiya...” you murmur, sounding like you’re the one that's been sat here for God knows how long torturing yourself with regret and wrong-doing. But no, not you. Casual as anything, you’ve pulled your jens back on from my floor and so brazenly, gone back into your room and pulled on a fresh t-shirt. Like it’s as easy as that.

I bite hard into my lip and look away, making no effort to speak in reply as I fight to swallow down that painful lump that swells a little more now.

Silence lasts painfully. But then, oh you fool, you have to go and break it, stumbling over words you probably don’t even mean to say. Why’d you have to bother at all, with anything? Why can’t you learn to leave well alone?

“You look...”

I glare at you again, scowling as I snap; “I know what I look like.”

You blink, a little perplexed it seems. “Cold. You look cold.”

I bristle, instinctively folding my arms across my chest as I pull the edges of my dressing gown closer together. Sullenly, I try and ignore the way I manage to hit the base of my back on the skirting as I shift round on the stair, letting my legs drop slowly, stretching out a little.

I try my best not to look at you whilst not being able to avoid it. Oh, what is it you do to me, Dennis, why do you have to do it? That bastard lump swells still and I have to bite viciously into my lip to stop any threat of emotion escaping me. I can't have that in front of you. What we've done is plenty enough.

"So... is this what's gonna happen everytime you find out I've slept with someone else?" I whisper thickly.

You look down awkwardly into your lap, and you don't say a word. Maybe you know it now eh? That your stupidly reckless actions never bring a solution. But oh, how selfish it is of you to leave that task to me. How am I supposed to know any better?

I sigh heavily. "Why couldn't you just leave it all alone?"

You sound astounded. "What?"

"Well, why's it always you turning my life upside down? Why d'you... I said no, Dennis! I told you I didn't want this and look, here we are, in another glorious mess."

"What-" you question with a disgusted scathingness. "And that's my fault?"

"I don't see anyone else here."

"You really are unbelievable, y'know that? If you hadn't-"

"What?" I rage. "If I hadn't done what? All I've ever done is what you wanted. But always, Dennis, it's never good enough. Why can you not just mean what you say? It's supposed to be over, done. You have no right to feel whatever it is you think you do. None. I said "No!" I don't even know what the Hell you thought you were doing!"

"Well... at least we cleared that one up eh?"

"Yeah." I agree bitterly. "Jesus Christ Dennis, what's this all about? Cos this... it feels just like the first time. I feel dirty and ashamed and I blame you. You're so damn selfish it's frightening." 

Pointedly, I tilt my head, the curtain of my hair falling away and revealing the angry marks all across my neck. You flinch then, unable to look me in the eye.

"You tell me darlin', seeing as you have an answer for everything, what am I supposed to say to Zoe? Or are you gonna tell her eh?"

Still you say nothing, biting into your lip.

"You made your choice. You can't expect me just to be here."

"I wasn't." you confess awkwardly. "I'd thought you'd have, I dunno, gone somewhere."

I hunch my shoulders; "I woulda done, but I-" I gesture to my attire. 

You don't even blink, questioning; "Where are your clothes?"

"Machine." I mumble pathetically, inclining my head to nod towards the kitchen.

You laugh coldly to yourself. "You weren't joking, then."

"Why would I joke? It's a mess. You said you wanted this family-"

"Yeah, and I do but-"

"What? Brothers and sisters ain't gonna work? Well halle-fucking-juhah, Dennis - no, it ain't. But maybe I want you to suffer too eh? Cos brothers and sisters don't ever do what we've just done. The first time was bravery, this... is stupidity."

"Is it?"

"C'mon, what d'you think I'm gonna do? Lie back for ya everytime life gets tough? Oh yeah, we'd really be able to explain that one away to Dad wouldn't we, to your girlfriend? You haven't even thought about her have ya? You just let yourself get wound up by everything you can't control and... do you have any idea how I feel right now?"

"I got the gist." you answer coldly, looking away.

"No you didn't." I assure you softly, hating how I can feel pangs of sympathy in the centre of my tight chest. "I feel cheap, Dennis and I never thought I would with you, not ever. But I do. I feel used like you did, the first night we-"

"You don't need to feel like that."

"Why not? My sheets were barely cold, and here's me, spreading myself all too thin already just for the sake of giving into you. You left me and that means I should be entitled to stop feeling like this too. But I haven't and I don't understand why not. God knows, you hurt me enough." 

You move to protest, but I shake my head, smiling weakly to assure you there is no need.

"But at least you achieved one thing with all this mess eh? I know what it did to you that night. And I'd be sorry if I didn't resent you so much for making me feel it too. It's no use."

You blow out a defeated breath from between your cracked lips. There's a heavy pause I know conceals a question you'll never be ble to stop yourself asking.

"Did you really want him?"

I sigh gently. You just won't be able to let this go will you? The heat of guilt coarses through my body and I hate that too. I shouldn't have to feel this way and yet, because of you, I can feel no other.

"No." I confess heavily after a loaded silence. "No, I didn't want him."

"Then why?"

I laugh bitterly. "What do you mean "why"? If I don't- well, I'm just gonna be here, growing into some pathetic old woman, still going through that stupid stack of photos, trying to bring back those few weeks when everything was OK. Nothing else ever was, but they were enough to make me love you. And I don't want to. Not anymore."

"You can't just make it disappear." you whisper reluctantly. I see a lump press against your throat. "Believe me, it really don't work."

"So what do you want me to do about it?"

"I don't know. But I... I really don't think I can live like this anymore."

"This was your choice." I point out coldly. "You have no other option." 

"Then give me one. Please Sharon-"

But my back stiffens. "Why should I? Why would I?"

"Because you're here too, and you hate this..."

"No." I shiver. "I hate you for this."

I watch you shudder shamefully, wringing your hands again as you gulp down all resistance to the word you can't help but speak.

"I've made a mistake."

"Yeah-" I scoff knowingly. "-and you'll keep making them, but I don't want to be any part of it."

"But you are." you answer tiredly, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"No! This was all about you and your stupid jealousy! The way you touched me-"

Your whole face is suddenly overshadowed by such confusion. "What d'you mean "the way"? I've never... it's never been any-"

"It was brutal." I hiss, feeling the shuddering of a sob press painfully against my throat. "It wasn't even about us. It was all you and you... you just didn't care. And why? Cos of what I've done? Do you really hate it that much?"

"You know I do. I know I shouldn't but I do."

"So you... you take it out on me like that?  It wasn't even sex. It's just you... kidding yourself you still belong. It ain't with me Dennis, not after everything."

"You don't believe that."

"I told you "No"!" I repeat furiously.

"And I heard you. And alright yeah, I was being selfish but if you cared all that much, you coulda stopped it. And you didn't. It's me that wants you, Sharon and you know that."

"You only want it cos it's gone."

"No. I want it because it's the only thing that belongs to me. You're the only person I'm part of. And I've tried to make that go away, but it won't!"

"Try harder!" I demand, battling back that treacherous swell of emotion. "You can't say all this now because you can't mean any of it, d'you understand me? You have Zoe now-"

"But I don't want her!" you snap back in that same frustration. Then you reel, realising what it i you've said and your voice dies away in your throat into a terrified whisper as you raise your gaze to my face again and murmur; "I never have..." 

And to see that selfish pain in your eyes, oh, mine explodes, those building tears sliding from my eyes. I'd give anything so you wouldn't see me so weak, but it's all I can do to tilt my head back against the wall, staring at the blurring ceiling as I grapple for some sense.

"Please don't say all this now."

"Why not, it ain't gonna go away is it?"

"No? Tell me you'd have found the nerve to say all this if you hadn't come home when you did, heard what you did? You wouldn't have spoken to me, you certainly wouldn't have touched me and... we coulda just gone on..."

"Ignoring everything you can't." you say simply.

"Me?" I cough indignantly.

"It's you with all the photos..."

"Yeah well, I'm not like you, am I?" I snap hotly. "I don't find it all that easy to forget."

"Why not? You obviously don't wanna remember."

"Because it's not the same anymore! You threw me away, Dennis. You're not the person I knew. I miss whoever that was. And it hurts trying to find him everytime I look at you. I haven't changed. I've just had to watch you with her and... and now I feel just as cheap. Because I can't say the right thing, and you wouldn't know what that was even if I thought I could. We can't make this seem right, because it isn't! This is your mistake."

"No."

"How can you say that? You'll never explain it away and I think we've both discovered you're not brave enough to hold on. And even if we kidded ourselves you could, all it'd ever take was another look from Dad and we'd be right back here. You can't have it all, don't you understand that?"

"Yeah." you breathe sadly.

"And just cos Dad... just cos he ain't the man you hoped, it don't mean you can just fall back on me. I don't want to be used like that. Not just cos you know how I feel about you. That's too cruel and I beg you not to do it to me."

"I never meant for it all to go so wrong."

"How can something that was never right go wrong, Dennis?"

I see your lip quiver for a second, but you bite at it. "That ain't what you think. I know it isn't."

I shake my head, cruelly stating; "You gave up knowing what I think the second you started sleeping with her. Why is it one rule for you and another for me? I was the one that wanted to keep fighting for what we had, everything you made me feel, but this? All this is is you, wanting to have me so no-one else can. You don't feel anything - it's nothing above sex... the power of it-"

"No!"

I smile weakly, not believing you for a moment. "I woulda let you have that, Dennis, I would. But I fell in love with you and now... now I hate you for it cos I'm so scared it'll never happen again cos you're alway gonna be there... like this, damage limitation! What d'you think, that if you wear me down into bed after everytime I find the nerve to... go with someone else that somehow, on some twisted level, I'm still yours? Because I'm not! Everything about you now is too fake to love. Why d'you ever have to say those words if you knew Dad was around to stop you meaning them, why? That first night, you knew he wasn't dead and whatever you tell yourself, deep inside you knew Vicki had run off to bring him home-"

"It didn't matter then!"

"No, cos you'd gotten what you wanted eh, just like this afternoon - really driven your point home! C'mon tell me, why was it suddenly so different that he was there when we were together?"

You look so guilty. Why don't you look at me? It can't be my fault this time. But oh, I have my own suspicions. I know what it was you wanted from the father you imagined. And I know the one vital thing I strived to give you so much of that he simply hasn't.

"He said he'd love you didn't he? His own precious son. If only you weren't... what? Sleeping with me? So what you gonna tell him then Dennis, about today? About what we've done?"

"Nothing." you mumble awkwardly.

I scoff, incensed. "I coulda guessed that much, darlin'. I knew it'd all be my fault. I knew it."

"I never said it was your fault."

"It's what you think." I sneer instantly as more bastard tears make their tracks down my face. "It's my fault you can't get over it, it's my fault you can't make Zoe enough, because I'm here, flaunting sexuality, giving it away, to spite you, yeah? It's all my fault."

"I can't help the way I feel-"

"You don't feel... you demand. And it's never going to be worth me giving in to you. It's just dirty and cheap and... I don't wanna have to feel that way!"

"You never used to."

"Yeah well, I was supposed to mean something back then eh, Dennis?"

"Why won't you listen?" you cry out in frustration. "Nothing's changed!"

"How can it not? You made it. It didn't matter what I felt, so long as there might have been the smallest chance he was gonna love you. I just supposed to fade away wasn't I? Zoe was gonna fill that gap for ya and you were just gonna be a nice normal guy. Only nothing about you these days is nice and if you think any of it is normal, then my God, you're kidding yourself."

"Course I am." you spit coldly back, but darlin', I heard the shiver in your voice. And this time it weren't venom, it was misery. "I just... I never thought it wouldn't work."

You look so damn guilty in that confession, I could feel sorry for you. I could. I don't.

"But it hasn't, has it? And just like always, you've had it both ways. So something has to change Denns, don't you get that? Cos you're right; we can't live like this anymore."

You sigh heavily, pressing the flat of your hand to the wall. The stairs creak as you push yourself up and I flinch and scoot protectively up against the wall, terrified you might brush past me.

You don't say a word though and I'm reduced to watching you through the poles. You crouch back down upon the kitchen floor, carefully gathering together most of the photos together in your hands. They shake a little as you stand again. You turn and your next ever apprehensive breath is caught tight in your chest. 

I get up too, hardly caring what kind of state I'm in, how I'm (not) dressed. I'm ready to get up and run as far and as fast as I have to. I don't want to face the agony of the moment I know is coming now. God knows, I never expected to go through it with you in such miserable circumstances.

But I think you read the terror in my eyes, smile so weakly, your once vibrant eyes so dim as you come back into the hall.

"It's alright." you insist softly, nodding. "You don't have to- Go if you want. I just... I wanna see 'em. I wanna remember the stuff you do."

I swallow down a miserable lump in my throat, tears brimming as I look so sadly back at you. "I knew you'd forget."

But you shake your head, ever so lightly, as if you wish the confession did not exist to be told. "Not forgotten. Just... tried too hard not to remember. But I do. I remember everything."

My lip trembles as I try and find any words to answer you. "Well good for you. Can we just sling 'em now?"

"What, you mean like you slung out my t-shirt?"

"I just... found it."

"I know." you reply calmly. "But you had to remember didn't you? How it got there, why- And you know what I've realised? Both of us hiding away from this? It's no good. Whatever we end up deciding, we have to face this together."

"Like we faced Dad together you mean? Like we held on together?"

The venom and the agony in my words cuts at you and you blink furiously through the tears you refuse to have fall. You look away and you suffer every blow without a shudder of response. you just take in my words and when they die away, you look back, through me again, and say;

"I'm here now aren't I?"

"Are ya?"

You come back up the stairs and I'm rigid against the wall, praying you'll just pass. You don't. Biting into the cushion of your lip, you stand against, holding your weight back awkwardly so touch is impossible. But atill, I can hardly breathe.

"I just wanna see 'em."

You can't even look at me as I settle back against the stairs. And Sharon, you don't know how bloody much I wish I didn't need this, but I do. I have tried to forget, I've tried so goddamn hard. But I haven't managed it have I? If I had, nothing about you or what you do could possibly affect me as severely as it does. And you know what, if I can't make myself forget, then all I can do is remember. I wanna know what it is that seems to torture me so much. You've become so different to the Sharon I called mine; it's a defence thing I know, a way to give yourself chance to heal for all the time I hurt you but... you're the one that's hidden all these memories away and yeah, you're the one that's clung on. So even as you tell me you hate me, I know that that can only be because these... so many moments immortalised and then hidden so shamefully away... they meant so much to you.

You're still curled into the wall, somehow hoping it might swallow you through as you bite into the pad of your thumb, trying to pretend I'm not there behind you, that you're not gonna turn around and watch me. I know you will, if only to torture yourself. Unshed tears sparkle in your tired eyes as you shift round on the stair, taking up the more comfortable position of straightening your legs to the width of the staircase, poking your toes through the banister and wiggling them. You spread your hands in your lap and I notice you're at least half looking at me, even if you'd rather pretend you weren't.

I look down, my hands shaking a little as I move slowly through the photos. My God, you look so impossibly beautiful. Sunkissed and... carefree, if I dare be allowed to believe that. You were so scared, of how it would be when we came home. I never even thought about it. In retrospect, I guess that was stupid of me, but I was so immersed in you...

"What?" you question bluntly. I jolt, only then realising the laugh that was instinctive upon reaching this image really did leave my mouth.

"Nothing. I just... I remember taking this-"

Carefully, I hand the photograph over to you. Why d'you have to look at me like that, Sharon? Why d'you have to be so damn suspicious? It hardly settles me as you smile, because I can tell in your eyes that you don't mean to.

"My God, it was so cold in that water..."

"You fell over three seconds later. I still don't know how you managed that."

"I just lost my balance."

"Yeah. That's what you said in the bars every night an' all."

"That's crap and you know it."

"Yeah? D'you even remember the [i]nights[/i] Sharon?"

"Walking." you confess after a few thoughtful seconds silence, leaning back against the wall. "I remember walking. Never really knew where."

"Me neither. But that was beside the point weren't it?"

You tilt your head to the side, looking quizzically back at me. "Why d'you talk like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like it matters. It's past now and I think we both know it's better best forgotten."

Oh darlin', I don't miss the way you pull again so self consciously at the folds of your dressing gown, hiding your torturous nakedness. C'mon, what d'you think I'm gonna do? I mean... the stairs? We made it up there once-

"So why don't you just forget, huh? Why ain't it as easy as we need it to be?"

"Because you can't get over yourself."

I laugh gently, clawing back my lip as I dip my gaze, shaking my head. "Worse. I can't- I can't get over you."

"Well try." you snap, glowering at me, even if there is a little less venom now. Your determination to hate me so implicitly... it's waivering. "Because I know now... there was nothing in what we had. Nothing but a challenge and the promise of easy sex. You want something that empty, then use Zoe... not me."

"Bit late for that, i'n't it?"

You laugh in cold astonishment. "Of course it is. You made me feel things I should never have- but I do, y'know that? I hardly know why anymore and I wish to God it would just fuck off and leave me alone, but... you're still here. I look at you sometimes and I... I kid myself that you could be the one in all these photos, but you're not, are you? You're someone completely different and yet, you haven't changed all that much. Still can't handle it when things get heavy, still running away and trying to stop me being anything besides what you want. But you don't know what that [b]is[/b] anymore, Dennis."

"I don't want [i]this[/i]." I tell you certainly, without a moment's hesitation.

"So why'd it [i]happen[/i]?" you demand, your eyes so fiery and defensive.

"[b]No![/b] You're not [i]listening[/i]. I ain't sorry. And the way I see things ain't wrong. There's been too much of that and you know it. Den had his pop and it's gotten me nowhere."

"So what? We pick up again, make things even more of a mess?"

"I thought you said you were gonna fight?"

"I would have done!" you shriek, those tears beginning to spill over in heartbroken frustration as you whack your head forcefully back against the wall. "But you gave [i]up[/i]!"

"You think I don't regret that? But I saw what it did to ya... Vicki, Den-"

"[b]Don't![/b]" A sob breaks free from your raw throat and you reach to rip the stack from my hands. "Don't you [i]dare[/i] make this about them. You said it was [i]us[/i], no-one else. Nothing else was supposed to matter - you said it'd be alright!"

"But it isn't, is it? You know that. This is never gonna work for us, not like this. You don't wanna live this way anymore than I do."

"Oh, what are you talking about? You've had it easy, Zoe'll have sorted it all for ya, won't she?"

I just keep looking at you, refusing to break the eye contact I can tell you detest, looking back at me so furiously as those tears build still.

"I am sorry, y'know. But now you know I hate it too. I don't want her and I definitely don't want you to have someone else-"

"I won't be controlled like that. I told ya, you have no [i]right[/i]!"

"I don't wanna control ya, for God's sake! You [b]know[/b] how I feel about you!"

"Do I?" you question weakly, voice swayed with the threat of another sob. "So what's this... pretence you're feeling then Dennis eh? How long's it gonna last this time? What good is it to me?"

"Not much." I confess reluctantly. "But it ain't shifting, so don't tell me it was only ever about sex because I know it meant something and I know I was an idiot to let it go and I swear I can make it better than some wasted stack of pictures."

"Yeah? How you planning to do that? Cos yeah, you happen to be shagging your ex's daughter- it don't exactly inspire me to trust ya, believe in ya, so why the Hell should I?"

"Because... sitting there... frightened ever to feel anything? We can make it good... better. This ain't the way you wanna live and you've done it yeah? I never wanted to face up to the mess this is, but I know how I feel. I'm not trying to just dictate to ya, I know you'd never have that, but... you hate the idea of Zoe and I... I hate the idea of anyone don't I, with you? And I ain't doing that just to complicate everything. You know I tried to force it back, pretend it don't matter. But it does. [b]I[/b] wanna be with ya. I ain't never gonna belong anywhere else."

"I [i]don't[/i] want to be second best."

"You? That won't happen."

"Right." you scoff dismissively. "And you know that, how?"

I shrug. You know it's obvious. "Because I'm here now, having to say it. And yeah, I'm with Zoe... but it's you that matters i'n't it? Otherwise, I could leave you to anyone and- Christ.... going round in circles aren't we?"

"We? When was I ever really part of the collective, Dennis?"

I bite into my lip, training myself to ignore the tone of your voice. "It's all you and you know it. Cos you're right... this, it ain't normal. You make sense to me, even when... I dunno, you're shagging around for the sake of it?"

You scowl defensively, folding your arms across your chest, the photos still held fiercely in your hand. "I thought [i]we[/i] were moving on?"

"Then credit yourself. If you wanted to do it, you coulda done it. Don't punish yourself for my fuck-ups."

"What else can I do? You're still here... with her and I..."

I sigh heavily, cutting across your words as I search for some... nerve. "Sharon, I wanna ask you a question and... you need to be honest, alright? With yourself."

You roll your eyes, but I know you heard me and I know you'll comply despite yourself. Because your chest is still, you're holding back your next breath pending my words, pretending there's something oh-so-fascinating mounted on the wall.

But I can't allow reality in. It frightens me too much, sickens me even after what I saw this afternoon. So as I train myself to breathe steadily, I close my eyes and release the words, before I lose my nerve and my very last chance is gone.

"Do you still want what we were? Is that what all this is about?"

Your neck jerks, in protest almost, and you look broken as you stare back at me, mouth twisted in horror. "You asked me to love you. And I do. You can't ask me to stop as well."

Oh to feel the bliss of those words if only I didn't feel so... sick and frightened. And believe me darlin', I hate myself for feeling this way because these are the very emotions that estranged me from everything we've built that felt so... made. It's taking everything I've got to fight it back, to think clearly. But, when did either of us ever do that eh? It weren't clarity that made me think that Den or Zoe were ever a good idea. It was fear and desperation. And you... you're the only one I know that stands any chance of chasing them away for me.

"No, I know. So don't. Please don't."

I'm well aware I'm pathetic, pleading with ya, but I'd sooner do or say anything than live in fear someone else will steal you away and you'll settle for a love so much less than the one I can't help but give ya. No-one else is ever gonna feel this way about ya and yeah... I might frustrate ya and, God, I don't deserve ya, but I've not been able to stop loving ya. And ignoring it don't make it any less there.

I can read the pity in your eyes darlin' and it makes me feel sick.

Your arms drop and you look wistfully almost down on the photos. And, for a second, I think I imagined it, blinking furiously, But no, the corners of your lips are still poised in a smile. A sad one, but a smile nonetheless.

"We should just have never come home."

"I wish we hadn't most days." I confess in that same jaded whisper.

"Would it... would we have been any different?"

"What d'you mean?" I question softly.

But that seems too much for you and you childishly hunch your shoulders. "I dunno... better somehow?"

I nod gently. "We'd be together."

There's an accusing edge to your tone as you straighten up against the wall abruptly, hugging your bent up knees to your chest. "And that's alright for you is it? I'd be enough? Because last time-"

I wince, shutting my eyes briefly to try and block out the agony of your words. "I was wrong, Sharon alright? I thought I wanted summat that weren't never there to be had. I made a mistake and I know I hurt you with it. But if you just stop fighting... then it will - it'll be alright."

You smile weakly and oh, I try and ignore the humoured disbelief in your eyes. "I wish I'd hear you tell Dad that. But I never will, will I, Dennis? Because the second that man says a word to you, I've lost you all over again. It won't matter what I feel."

There's a sickening wrench in my gut. Because everything you say was true. But I was weak Sharon, I really was, no matter what I protest. My desperation to mean something to my dad made me weak. But it was never supposed to cost me you. I love you. I need you to be mine, because the idea I could lose you to someone of less feeling, makes me feel more desperate and sick than any other possibility. You made me see that today. I ain't letting you go. I ain't brave enough to see through a miserable life that refuses to go my way without you.

I drop down onto the stair above you, sat back on my knees. "Sharon, look at me..."

You laugh nervously, blanching your lip as you claw at it and obediently tilt your head back against the wall to look up at me. I've never known anyone like you, Sharon. So much pain and yet, somehow you look all the more beautiful for it. Your vulnerability makes you human and better, it made you mine. I can't help but reach out to touch you, but oh, I'm certain you're gonna lurch back and reprimand me in the stronges terms. But you giggle again as my fingertips sweep down your cool, slippery cheek in an uncertain caress.

"...I swear to you, it's [b]all[/b] that matters alright? Whatever we have to say, wherever we have to go, I just want you. I've tried living every other way and it ain't enough."

You splutter on a sob of disbelief, your shivering hand curling around mine to hold it in place. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Tell me you wanna make it."

"I always did..."

"Then that's what we'll do. We'll go back to Tenerife and... we can live outta fucking picture book - it can be like it was."

But you sigh, releasing the sound from those perfectly pouted lips as you drop my hand. "Dennis, be serious-"

"I [b]am[/b] serious! This place has done nothing for us!"

"Us? [i]Us?[/i] It's not even real! It's just arguments and false promises and- just look at the state of me, will ya?"

"You're not a state-"

But you don't hear my words. You glare at me, sniffling a little through your tears. "I'm naked and I'm cold and I just don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. I don't even know if I still know [b]you[/b]. I mean, what was this, a show of togetherness for your conscience?"

"No. [i]No![/i] It's admitting the truth. There's nothing to wait for anymore. This ain't a family and I ain't got a relationship. I'm running scared and you're the only one that knows it cos... you've been watching me the whole time, hating me for doing it, I know you have. And I don't want to anymore. I want what was right. I want [b]you[/b]."

"For how long? Because I'm sick of hurting for you. I want what's mine again."

I bow my head for a second, summoning a little more courage. I look right at you, able to feel your warm breath, heavy with trepidation, dance across my face as I chew at my lip and offer you what's always been yours.

"Me. Us. We can make it the best, Sharon, you know we can. You just have to want to." Your mesmerising eyes look huge and bright with fear and you make me feel sick with nerves just by looking at me. It's hard to breathe in that next moment, but oh, I have to ask. "Do you want to?"

This... disbelieving breath leaves the corner of your mouth, but no words come. My insides cave in in that second, defeated. But then, I can't help but feel everything you offer in your wordless reply. A whisper of a kiss pressed to needy lips, full of promise in all sincerity. Oh darlin', you never tasted sweeter. If only I knew some way to hold onto this moment forever, to never live another. Because this one, for all my fear, is too perfect. I pull you gently away from the wall and into my arms, kissing you deeper.

Lost to you, completely lost, nothing else is gonna matter in the world. I have all I need now, in all selfishness. But I'll make you happy. I will. If only because it seems you believe I'll give anything for the chance. But it's nothing, Sharon, it's giving up some piteous charade for everything that felt so damn perfect.

But your whole body tenses at the furious rapping on the door. Takes me several more seconds to realise anything might be wrong. But, at the calling of my name from the other side of it, I'm with you in the panic, the tight, siskened knot in my stomach.

"Dennis? Babe, it's me!"

Mumbling to yourself in panic, you scramble to your feet, your face coloured for your anxiouness. You back defensively up against the wall, pulling desperately at the thick folds of the dressing gown and viciously at the ends of the sash to tighten it as if you're completely exposed.

"Oh God... oh God, oh [i]shit[/i]!"

"Sharon, it's OK..." I soothe, standing to level with you, to reach out and touch you. But the idea seems to terrify you right now.

"[b]How[/b] is it? Your sodding [i]girlfriend's[/i] out there and look at me! The whole thing's just gonna happen all over again isn't it? None of it matter does it? It'll just be the same. You with her and me- nowhere." 

"No! It's [i]us[/i] OK?"

But you shake your head desperately, whimpering a little even as you speak so feverishly, all faith apparantly lost to the sheer panic. "No, it's [b]not[/b] OK cos you're lying. You're not brave enough Dennis, you're not. Not for me, not for yourself and certainly not for [i]us[/i]."

"You reckon?" I quiz calmly, turning away from you as I drop the last few steps into the hallway, staggering a few half-steps towards the door. 

Would you have called it bravery when you took a stranger to your bed in my place? Was that bravery? Was keeping all those photos, torturing yourself with the seemingly lost memories, bravery? Because I know there's only one thing I can do to prove my worth and my sincerity to you and that is gonna take all the bravery I can muster. I reach towards the door to pull down the lock, glancing back at you, frozen on the stairs. And I can almost see your heart breaking. I'm sure I felt mine begin to do the same today, but now... now you must know I never want it to happen to either of us. And it doesn't need to, as long as we can be together. And I'm gonna make that happen, Sharon.

"Watch me."

You'll see.

[align=center][SIZE=7][u][i][b]The End[/b][/i][/u][/SIZE][/align]