To Hear From You

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: (no subject)

This is stupid, I know. You never check your e-mail and well, I'd pretty much forgotten I had an account. That'd be where all those papers were then. Sorry. I just thought... there was no way you were gonna answer your mobile, not to me. Have you changed your number or something? It's just... not like you to have your phone off so much. Anyway, I'm a little bit drunk with absolutely no idea where you are. Maybe you could let me know? Just to prove to me you're still alive? Guess I wouldn't mind a conversation with you right now... even if all you wanna do is yell at me. I'll take that.

Hope you're well Sharon.

x

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: (no subject)

God, that one was a bit of a shocker. Dennis! Bloody hell... you're probably gonna get this and have no recollection of ever contacting me. How did you remember my e-mail address for one? Not even I know the bloody thing. Thank God for automatic sign-in I guess, otherwise I'd never have caught you. How's your head? Unlike some I didn't have chance to get pissed... I saw your name on the screen and pretty much spat my wine all over the laptop. Yeah, so I see how you needed to know that but... it was bloody expensive! The laptop that is!

I hope you're well too. Don't be a stranger will you? I won't have anybody to yell at.

x

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: SHE'S ALIVE!!!!

Sorry.... just thought I'd get the yelling going - start as we mean to go on and all that! :P Seriously Sharon, where are you?

PS: Since you ask... my head's banging thanks.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Yes, she is!

I'd yell back Dennis honestly, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to cause you massive pain (it serves you right by the way!) but right now, it's five in the morning. I haven't even gone to bed yet. That's right, I've actually sat up half the night hoping you'd reply. Never mind where I am Dennis... where the hell are you? Vicki says you've scarpered from Walford... you shouldn't scare us like this!

I'm not going to bed til I know. I'll make and drink as much coffee as it takes to keep me conscious til you've told me what's going on.

PS: You know I hate coffee right?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Yes, she is!

So don't drink it you daft cow! Besides, I've worked it out. I sent my last e-mail at ten in the morning. You'd replied about a minute later and told me it was five in the morning. You're in America aren't you? Jesus Sharon, have you never thought about France or somewhere?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Don't change the subject!

Oi! You're skirting Rickman. Tell me what's happening or I'm off to make another coffee and I hold you entirely responsible!

(PS. You know full well I failed French at school! <_<)

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Don't change the subject!

Yeah well, some of us failed school full stop didn't we? :rolleyes:

Look, I'll tell you, but not like this. It's big. Will you answer your phone this time?

x

Calling....
07766430182

"Sharon?"

A soft giggle escaping her in the apprehensive breath she drew in, she asked; "Who were you expecting?"

"Well... I thought I was gonna call you?"

"Wouldn't have done you much good. You were right. Got a new phone... changed my number."

"Why? You avoiding me?" Dennis pushed in spite of himself. He knew the likelihood of it and it hurt, but still he had to know.

The line was silent for a second and then Sharon sighed. "Something like that. Oh look Dennis, it don't matter now, just tell me what's going on with you. Vicki was frantic when you took off like that!"

"Well, how is she now?"

"How would I know? She's still in Walford."

"Oh. Right. But you're with Michelle aren't you? In Florida?"

"No." she returned immediately. "Dennis, there are fifty states in this country, I figured it's about time I checked out more than the one, I mean, I'm a big girl now."

Panic beat in Dennis' chest before he could even comprehend it. "Well, where are you then?"

"New York."

"On your own?"

"Well yeah, since you never made it here."

It was like she'd kicked him hard, even with the distance of thousands upon thousands of miles, with the sole intention of reminding him of the one thing he couldn't forget - they were apart.

"What's it like?"

"Dark... cold... busy. Prefer Florida really."

Dennis chuckled. Sharon was so damn contrary. "Would I have liked it?"

"Probably. Not that you'd have seen much of it if you were with me... got me a store card for Macy's - I've been shipping stuff over to Vicki for weeks!"

"Shopping." he scoffed knowingly. "Is that all you think about?"

"No." she said quietly, as if she didn't really want to be heard as her voice travelled down the line. "I've been thinking about you an' all. Oh Dennis, what's going on? You're worrying me - why did you leave Walf- Dennis?"

New message received 
From Sharon
07766430182

Dennis? Where the bloody hell did you go? Did I upset you? I just want to know what's going on, I want to know you're OK! Talk soon? x

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Earth to Dennis!

Oh c'mon Dennis, this is getting stupid now. This has gotta be my fifteenth email in as many minutes. You can't blame me for worrying when I don't know anything. I'd get it out of Vicki if I thought I could, deprive her of the Macy's goodness but she doesn't know anything. Why won't you talk to us? We care about you darlin', we care what's going on inside your head. I've tried your mobile hundreds of times but it's off. Course you knew that. You switched it off you bastard. You getting back at me or something? Just talk to me. 

It was weird, hearing your voice after all this time y'know. Was that it? Was that why you rang off? I understand that, OK? So just... when you're ready - e-mail me, text me, whatever. No voices, no guilt.

Just please don't leave it too long - I can't take anymore coffee!

Love,

Sharon xxx

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Horlicks

Ever tried it? I've heard it's a steadfast alternative to the stuff you're abusing your system with.

Missed calls: 1
From: Sharon

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Horlicks

Right. So does that mean if I made us some you'd actually sit down long enough to talk to me? Only you don't seem to be answering your phone...

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Horlicks

I doubt it. It's foul stuff. And anyway, you're making me nervous :unsure:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Horlicks

Fuckin' cheek. D'you have any idea what you're putting me through right now? Please Dennis, just tell me where you are!

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Someplace

Thousands of miles away. You're safe.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To:  dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Someplace

But are you? Why are you being so evasive? We used to be able to talk to each other didn't we?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Used to

Times change Sharon. I mean, didn't you ever get the feeling there were some things about me you were better off not knowing? I was wasted when I sent that first e-mail OK, I was missing you, I'll admit that much. But I'm not gonna say anything else about it. Cold light of day does wonders. I care about you an' all. I've always had the shittest ways of proving that to you I know. You must know I'm sorry. Sorry and sick of hurting you. Believe me darlin', you're better off not knowing :)

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To:  dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Argh!!!!

So much time without you in my life Dennis - you're thousands of miles away and you still manage to piss me off to distraction! :angry: Whatever I wish I didn't know about you is tough! Because I do! I know you. I don't know what's going on with you but I'm getting the message loud and clear. It's apparantly none of my business.

Look after yourself.

Text message sent
To: Vicki

Heya sis. Still alive and well. Don't worry about me OK? I'm fine. I'm just wondering... do you know how Sharon's doing? x

Text message sent
To: Dennis

Dennis! You planning on coming home before you're 40? :unsure: I'm fine, thanks for asking :rolleyes: Sharon's still in NY as far as I know. Settling in, meeting new people, that kinda thing. She had a date on Friday night!

Text message sent
To: Vicki

Oh. Right. Cool. Keep smiling Vicks yeah - I'll see you for your 21st!

Text message sent
To: Dennis

Dennis! :O

Text message sent
To: Vicki

Calm down love, I was joking. I just need a bit more time to sort my head out. I'll be home soon. Say hi to Chrissie for me.

Welcome to O2 Voicemail. You have one new message.  Message received today at 2:43PM.

"Sharon? Sharon, it's me. It's Vicki. Look, I've just been talking to Dennis... texts and that. Have... Have you two been talking recently or something? It's just... he was asking after you and he seemed to go... weird when I mentioned that guy that took you out on Friday night. What was he like? Was he good? Is that why? Did you tell Dennis and he... oh God, I'm sorry - I still can't deal with that very well. Guess he misses you but is too much of a man to come out and say it. We all miss you. I mean, it's cool with it just being Chrissie and Dad but... they're... trying too hard, know what I mean? I reckon they've had a barney an' all. The brave face they're putting on it has got some serious cracks... Look, I'm a shite go-between, you know that. I always get it wrong. Why don't you try calling Dennis or something? Right whatever... my work here is done. Love you."

New message received 
From Sharon
07766430182

Afternoon Sherlock. A little Vicki-bird tells me you wanna know how my date went. Honestly Dennis, I didn't know you cared :rolleyes:

Message sent 
To Sharon
07766430182

Just as well I don't then isn't it? Can I go back to bed now?

New message received 
From Sharon
07766430182

Bed? :O No, you bloody can't, you lazy bastard, not unless you've got Kate Moss keeping it warm for you! Thought not! :rolleyes: Ask me how my date went.

Message sent 
To Vicki

Squirt! :angry: Why the bloody hell did you tell Sharon I was asking for her? Do I really look like I wanna hear about the bloke she's shagging?  <_<

Message sent 
To Dennis

Oh calm down, will ya? Just ask her. Breaks the ice don't it? x

New message received 
From Dennis

I want it known I'm only asking under protest <_< How did your date go?

New message received 
From Sharon
07766430182

Well... he was tall, dark, handsome-

New message received 
From Dennis

Great :rolleyes: Night then!

New message received 
From Sharon
07766430182

-and gay! <_<

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed in

DENNIS: Gay? Oh Sharon, you are joking?
SHARON: Evening to you an' all. <_<
DENNIS: Gay? :lol:
SHARON: Oh yeah. Kind of guy you could make your best friend but never your lover, know what I'm saying?
DENNIS: Not really :lol: Never been out with a bloke!
SHARON: More than willing to bet you'd had a lesbian Dennis - more than willing.
DENNIS: :O That's slander!
SHARON: Hey, I'm your sister and I was swayed! :P

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed out.

New message received 
From Sharon
07766430182

Shit! Really put my foot in it haven't I?

Ringing...
Vicki

"Urgh... what?"

"Hey darlin'."

"Sharon?" Vicki groaned in recognition. "Do you know what time it is?"

"Well yeah!" she laughed nervously, her gaze sliding to the clock ticking away on the wall next to the fridge. "It's lunch... it's seven in the morning! Oh shit, Vicki, I'm sorry. I forgot! Look, go back to sleep, I'll call you when..."

"It's alright." her sister sighed. "I'm up now aren't I? What's on your mind?"

"Too much. I've been sat up all night..."

"Again? Y'know you can get something for that."

"Oh yeah? So you worked out a failsafe way of getting Dennis to talk have you?"

Vicki scoffed. "You must be joking. Why d'you think he... oh God, please tell me you haven't been online all night."

"Guilty. Oh Vicki, I just wanna hear from him! But since I- He's been ignoring me and I can't stand it. Have... Have you heard from him?"

"Few times. Texts. Nothing to write home about. Not that Dennis would! Write home that is! Oh look Sharon, I'm sure he's OK, he can look after himself!"

"Oh what-" Sharon snapped, "-so now we're not allowed to care about him?"

"No!" Vicki bleated in protest, struggling to continue with her words. "I just mean... he hates fuss."

"This isn't fuss, this is panic! I haven't heard from him in days!"

"Sharon... you hadn't heard from him in weeks before this."

Sharon gasped in fright at such a realisation. "Oh God. Oh Vicki... I've ruined it..."

"Ruined what?" Vicki questioned, affected by the way her big sister's voice seemed to be shattering underneath the burden of all her building emotions. "Sharon?"

Realising the line was dead, Vicki tossed her phone away in frustration and settled down to sleep once again. Only it wouldn't take her. 

Message sent
To Sharon

Don't you know it's dangerous to wake up our sister before lunch time?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Coward calling!

Couldn't face even answering your text. That was too close y'know? So this is me, shuffling across cyberspace with my apology. I'm pathetic I know but I'm sorry too. Never know where the mark is, always go long-jumping over it. Ever tell you I failed P.E too? :blush:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Coward calling

Really? Not sure I believe that one - can just imagine you in a netball skirt :P

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: PS.

OK, I sent that last email hours ago. Maybe you've conked out, gone out, whatever, but just in case I've joined you in long-jumping that mark... I'll accept your apology if you'll take mine and trample on it! :P

Friends again?

Love,

Dennis 
x

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: PS.

:wub: 

Of course!

Can I interest you in a peace-making mug of Horlicks? :P

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: PS.

Far be it for me to cast aspersions Sharon... but are you drunk? :lalala:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: PS.

:O I resent that suggestion! :shakehead: I just can't stand another mug of coffee and have been told it's a good alternative :P (Looks disgusting though!) Oh Dennis, won't you come make and make me a coffee darlin'? I loved your coffee. Maybe you should teach me (or the Americans!) because I'm/they're obviously doing something wrong!

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Coffee

So you want to know my secret right? Go on then, suppose you know all the others! Condensed milk darlin'... and hazelnut. :knod:

Enjoy!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Coffee

As you may have guessed, it took me a bit longer to get back to you cos I just went and made a coffee. A real one! Dennis, I love you! It's divine :wub: and so very nearly better than sex!

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Wow.

Seriously Sharon, sure you don't wanna give your gay guy a call?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Wow

Yeah, I mighta just realised what I said. Excuse me while I crawl away into a hole and die of embarrassment. :blush:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Don't forget...

...to take your coffee with you :P

New message received 
From Dennis

Hiya :) Sorry if this wakes you, it's only me, ignore me if you want... Just wondered if you fancied setting up a breakfast/lunch date for today? :unsure: Don't know if it means much to you anymore, but I'm ready to talk... :)

New message received 
From Sharon

Yeah? :unsure: That's brilliant Dennis, really is :D Give me ten minutes, need to make a coffee (now I know how :P) before I log on...

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed in.

SHARON: Morning!
DENNIS: Afternoon actually! :P Alright?
SHARON: Yeah, I think so :knod: Got me a goal for the day.
DENNIS: Oh yeah & what's that?
SHARON: To get through one conversation with you without making an idiot of myself :blush:
DENNIS: You're not an idiot Sharon :huggles:
SHARON: Thanks, I needed that :wub:
SHARON: You said... you wanted to talk? :unsure:
DENNIS: Oh... yeah. I did, didn't I? :rolleyes: 
DENNIS has just sent you a Nudge!
DENNIS: Sharon?
SHARON: Dennis? 
DENNIS: Where did we go wrong?
SHARON: Oh. Wow. :(
SHARON: I don't know darlin'. We gave it a fair shot though :knod:
DENNIS: No we didn't. :nooo: I screwed up. And do you wanna know why?
SHARON: Please Dennis, we don't need to do this. Not now.
DENNIS: Yes we do. If you really wanna know why I'm not in Walford, I'll tell you-
SHARON: Don't tell me. Wherever you are, just go back. You have to be there for the baby.
DENNIS: <_< Sharon for God's sake!
SHARON: Dennis, hang on... my phone...

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com may not reply because his/her status is set to Away

SHARON: Oh my God...
DENNIS: Sharon? What's wrong?
SHARON: Dennis, how far are you from Walford? Honestly.
DENNIS: I could be further... not far. Why? :unsure:
SHARON: That was Chrissie. On the phone. She says Dad's ill. I'm going back there. Today.

Message sent
To Dennis

C'mon Dennis, this is stupid. He's our dad. How am I meant to stay away when he's ill? He needs me. Hell, he needs us! And I need you... what am I gonna do for breakfast-time conversation otherwise eh?

Message sent
To Sharon

Conversation? <_< Tell me Sharon, you ever remember a time we were more than that?

Message sent
To Dennis

Why are you being so spiteful? Of course I remember! D'you think I'm stupid, just for caring about my own father?

Message sent
To Sharon

Since you ask darlin', :knod: that's exactly what I think!

Message sent
To Dennis

Why? Dennis, it's not Dad's fault Zoe got pregnant! :crie:

Message sent
To Sharon

No. Course it's not. I tried, Sharon. F**k, I tried.

Message sent
To Dennis

What? :unsure:

Message sent
To Sharon

Don't matter, least not yet. Have a good flight yeah? Hug the life out of Vicki for me. I'll talk to you soon.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Today

Oh God Sharon, you don't know how soddin' hard it is to write this. I mean, before now, these things have just flown between us. Light, a few lines, we've had a laugh. And even though I haven't heard it (God I miss your laugh, I miss the way everyone giggles with you!) I know that's what we've done :knod: We've had a laugh. It's pathetic, but you don't know what that's meant to me. I can't believe it's not even eight weeks since you left. I still can't believe I let anyone, anything take you away from me. Why'd you have to be so selfless Sharon? You let 'em wrench us apart. I know we thought it was my fault and I hated myself... but I suppose by now, if Den's got any shame at all, you'll know the truth. And now I hate myself even more because you'll be so upset and I'm not there. I could be. But I'm not. Oh Sharon... what kind of state you gonna be in by the time you read this darlin'? I never wanted to hurt you... I never wanted to let anyone hurt you, hurt us.

But y'know what? I ain't even sure I've got the guts to send this on its way to you. I've been putting a face on it with every other message. But I'm a wreck. The kind of wreck you'd pity and I never wanted that from you. I love you for God's sake. And when Vicki told me you'd gone on some date, I broke. I actually burst into tears. Cos even though it feels like a fuckin' lifetime, it hasn't even been eight weeks. Eight weeks since you were just as in love with me, eight weeks since we'd have done anything to hold on, to get to New York.

You got there though didn't you darlin'? You had a life without me. I couldn't bear even the thought of that. And when you met this guy... I punched the wall so hard I cut my hand and I had to go to Casualty. Dot forced me. Didn't tell her why I'd done it mind. No point. Didn't make the pain go away. In the end, it didn't even matter he turned out to be gay. I laughed, I mean... course I did. But just the idea that you... God, the pain.

And I don't know what'll happen to yours. I don't but I wish I did. I never meant to be such a coward Sharon, I'm so sorry. I tried, I tried to tell you, but... God, I hate him. I hate him because he wanted to hurt you like that. I'm begging you to forgive me. Come back. Let's just have a laugh. Please? :crie:

Send?
Save?

This message has been saved to your Drafts folder.

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Dennis? Oh God... darlin' I- I understand. I heard it all... You knew he wasn't ill didn't you? Oh, but he is. I heard every sickening... I know. I know everything he did and I know why you're not here anymore. Oh I wish you were... Please darlin', please pick up. I just wanna hear your voice. Shout at me, swear at me, do anything! I just wanna know I haven't lost you. I couldn't bear to lose you..."

New message received 
From Vicki

Surprise! Dad booked me a flight to NY, how great is that? :buzzing: I'm at the airport now, just arrived. But where are you? :unsure: Dad said he'd call and get you to meet me! We're wasting valuable shopping time here Sharon! :rolleyes:

Missed calls: 3
From: Sharon (3)

Ringing...
Sharon

"I'm so sorry."

"No you're not. You think I deserved this."

"Sharon, I-"

She cut in, not wanting to hear his pity. Her voice shook dangerously as she hissed; "You're right! I do deserve it. I was a fool, to think good of him, to believe her! He got her pregnant to spite me! My own dad!"

Dennis was stunned. "He... got her pregnant?"

"Oh God... didn't you know?"

"I- I knew that was the plan. Gonna spend the thirty years having my little brother or sister calling me Daddy. But I didn't know he'd... managed it. I saw them... in bed and I just... legged it."

"How did you feel?"

"Sick. You?"

"Throat's raw. I can't stand the thought of you seeing... oh darlin', how could we be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid Sharon! I might be, but you're not."

"I left you!" she cried desperately through the tears that overwhelmed her. "I never wanted to let you go! You think there's been a day I haven't thought about you? And I shouldn't have had to do that, I shoulda held on! You were meant to mean it, you said you meant it!"

"Oh God... darlin', please don't cry. Please don't. Don't waste your tears, he's not worth it. T-Tell me where you are."

"No. No..."

"C'mon. I'm sorry. I don't wanna leave you on your own. I shouldn't have... I should have gone with you. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. I just... I couldn't stand the thought that you still cared about him, after everything he did to us. Just tell me where you are and I swear, I'll be there."

"I'm at the airport. They're calling my flight. It's too late Dennis. I'm going back to New York, it's too late."

Call ended...
00:31

New messages received: 7 
From Dennis (7)

Did you get back OK? 

I need to know you're alright.

Please Sharon... I'm still here for you. Don't shut me out. I know how you're feeling and I know how much it hurts.

OK, so you don't wanna talk about it. That's fine. Just... answer me yeah?

Sharon, please. No messages, no e-mails, no nothing. This isn't right. Have you gone off my coffee or something?

Why hasn't Vicki heard from you either? She's going mental. She was in NY but... your paths never crossed? :unsure: She says Den's gone too. I wish I knew what was going on in your head. I wanna know how I'm meant to feel.

Do you have any idea what you're putting me through? I'm begging now Sharon, it's been nearly a fortnight. Just... I miss you. I really miss you.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Please...

I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't know where you are, how you are, who you're with. No-one does and it's not right. It's like you've disappeared and I know you wouldn't do that. I'm writing this with the kind of trepidation that says you're never gonna read it. I think you're hurt and you don't know how sick the idea makes me feel. Chrissie had to stop Vicki filing a missing person's report the other day, that's how worried we are. Only the police said they couldn't do it cos you're not a UK resident anymore or some shit. Michelle refused to do it. She thinks you're OK. Just hurting somewhere. I hate that maybe she knows you better than I do. This is killing me. I know I hurt you, I know, but don't punish all of us. I thought... me and you were OK, we were just... talking. I miss that so much.

This is pathetic I know, but I can't think of any other way of getting you to talk to me, just to say you're still alive. I know you're getting all these, my texts and that cos they're going through. Maybe you're just not reading them and there's a message I should be getting from that. So OK. If I don't hear from you, in any kind of way by 1st March, I'll go away. You can forget I ever existed then maybe it'll all ease a bit. I can't promise Vicki will lay off. You're breaking her heart Sharon.

Look after yourself

Love,

Dennis

x

Message sent
To Vicki

Happy Birthday darlin'. Smile!

I love you :wub:

Sharon x

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Sharon

I heard from her this morning...

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Sharon

Happy birthday sis :wub:

Yeah? Oh thank God! Is she alright?

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Sharon

:confused2: Wish I knew. All she said was...

[QUOTE][FONT=Courier]Happy Birthday darlin'. Smile!

I love you :wub:

Sharon x[/FONT][/QUOTE]

I just thought you'd like to know. It's a start isn't it? :unsure:

Thanks for the presents by the way. They're gorgeous :wub: but please  Dennis, you've been gone for four months! :( I'm starting to think neither my brother or sister are gonna be back for my 21st! I miss you... I haven't gotta go back down the cop shop have I?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: 21st

No sis, you haven't. But you wouldn't want or need me with you right now, believe me. Go out with your mates, be expensive and have a great night yeah? I promise to rear my head in time for your 21st :knod: :P at which time I'll shower my darlin' little sister in champagne and diamonds. Glad you liked the jewellery darlin' :wub: screamed your name when I saw it. Promise me you'll not forget me right? I couldn't handle three months without a word from you as well, Squirt.

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: 21st

How could I forget my big brother when he sends presents like that? :wub:

Look, I might be pushing it, but we know Sharon's alive at least right? Do you wanna try calling her? :unsure:

Ringing...
Sharon
07766430182

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a-

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Sorry

I never meant to scare you sweetheart. I'm so sorry. A lot happened in the winter. One hell of a lot. But I'm back now  :)

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: <_<

Save it Sharon. You shouldn't be "back"! You never should have gone in the first place. How could you be so selfish? I thought you cared about me? But no-one does do they? I get a text off you on my birthday, £250 bunged in a card like that can make up for it! You're pathetic. But I guess I should be used to losing my family. There's still absolutely nothing from Dad. Chrissie says he ran off with some woman. I can believe that, the bastard :angry: He's really hurt her. It's just us two, holding each other and the pub together. Really cut your ties now haven't you? Not even the precious Vic is enough to coax you back to the family you wanted so badly. You do realise you're the one to have destroyed it all?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: <_<

Oh darlin', be fair!

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: My brother!

No! :angry: No, I won't be fair! Because it's not! None of this is. D'you know I'm gonna lose Dennis because of you? You stole him from me when you were pretending you loved each other (:rolleyes:) and you're doing it again! I haven't seen him since January. He hasn't stepped foot in Walford since him and Zoe split up. And until now, I knew he was less than 50 miles away, but he still couldn't bear to see me. His own family.

And do you know where he is now Sharon? Have you even bothered to try and make any sort of contact with him?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Dennis

Where is he Vicki? What's he done?

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Dennis

He's only gone and signed up.

He'd rather go halfway across the world and get himself killed than stay here with me :crie:

I hope you're proud of yourself Sharon. We're a right proper family now aren't we... only seeing each other at weddings and funerals!

Can you guess which one's gonna come first? <_<

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Dennis

Where is he?

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Dennis

:confused2: He won't tell me. He never tells me anything anymore. :nooo: He's training on the coast somewhere. Reckons he'll be deployed soon.

If anything happens to him Sharon, I'll never forgive you! :crie:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Dennis

Vicki darlin', please don't talk like that! He matters to me too!

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Dennis

Yeah right :rolleyes: He was just your last cheap thrill. He's my blood. You're not! :angry:

Message sent 
To Dennis

Oh Dennis, what have you done? :crie:

DELIVERY FAILURE
This number is no longer in service.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: (no subject)

Dennis?

I have to talk to you!

Please?

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: I'm off then sis!

Where, Dennis? :crie: When?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: I'm off then sis!

Basra. Wednesday morning.

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: I'm off then sis!

But that's not even two days! How can I get down to see you before you go? Can't you... put it off?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: I'm off then sis!

Oh yeah, I'll just ask the whole of the Middle East to hold up the war for a couple of days shall I? :rolleyes: Face it Vicks, we don't have time.

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: I'm off then sis!

Well, why didn't you tell me sooner? You can't just go! You won't be back til God knows when! I might not see you for... years! :crie:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: I'm off then sis!

But you will see me :knod: Don't forget that sis. :huggles:

I love you :wub:

New voicemail message received
From: Vicki

"I hate you! You bitch! He's been posted... to Iraq! Iraq Sharon, that's how far he's willing to go to get away from us, from you. He's going on Wednesday morning. Because of you, I won't even get to say goodbye! He's avoided being my family for the past six months cos of you! He'll be gone for at least another six months! And have you watched the news? This war's been going on for years Sharon, we're not winning - men like Dennis get killed everyday. We might not see him for years... and that's only if they don't bring him home in a box! Sleep well won't you? Bitch!"

Time: 00:46 
Day: Tuesday 12th
Month: July
Year: 2005

She's right. God, I feel so sick. I've been sat up for hours just going over what Vicki said in her voicemail. She hates me and I can't blame her. She's right. I've sent Dennis, her brother, my.... I've sent him to his grave. He'd rather go jumping into that than let me back into his life. She said I stole him away and she's right. I did. But I never ever meant it to be like this.

It's because I got on that plane. I listened to Dad's confessions and I went and got on a plane, running away like I always do. Why didn't I wait? Dennis said he was close enough to come to me and I still believe he might have done. But maybe I'm still that same fool that believed Zoe when she told us she was pregnant. Oh, how far away that seems. Once, some infatuated little girl was all that kept Dennis and me apart. Only now it's going to be war; war, devestation and maybe even Death. 

I think I might have just killed the man I love.

He goes [s]Wednesday[/s] tomorrow morning. I feel so sick. I don't want blood on my hands. I don't even want to be here, writing all this down on the lonely pages of some pathetic diary. I should be sat up with my laptop, talking about pathetic little things with Dennis. Maybe he'd have gone home to Walford by now, no Dad, just Vicki. He'd be safe then, none of this madness. But as it stands, I haven't spoken to Dennis in any capacity for almost 5 months. 

What if I don't.... ever again? 

Oh please God, please, keep him safe. Please don't let him die.

Vicki's right.

It's all my fault....

New message received
From: 07591729345

I'm guessing you'll have heard by now. Just wanted to say goodbye :)

Write new
Text message

No, don't! Don't you dare say goodbye! :nooo: Don't do this. I'm begging you - don't go! :crie:

Message deleted

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed in

SHARON: Why are you doing this to me Dennis?
DENNIS: Nice to hear from you too :rolleyes:
SHARON: Why are you doing this to me?
DENNIS: It's got nothing to do with you.
SHARON: <_< That's not what Vicki seems to think!
DENNIS: Well the squirt's wrong isn't she?
DENNIS: I mean, bloody hell, why can't I just want to do something for me?
SHARON: Because you're gonna get yourself killed!
DENNIS: Thanks for the vote of confidence Sharon :rolleyes:
SHARON: Don't you dare be so flippant about this! Dennis, what's this about? When have you ever cared about this country? It's not your fight!
SHARON: Since when did they let convicts into the army anyway?
DENNIS: Oh, they love us darlin'. <_< Need to have a bit of a thirst for the old violence if you wanna stay standing out there, know what I mean?
SHARON: Do you want everyone to think you're some kind of hero is that it? Because that definitely ain't what I think.
DENNIS: Maybe I don't care what you think!
SHARON: Well tough! I think old habits die hard. You'll never be a hero Dennis, never! You're a thug. You don't care if you get killed do you?
DENNIS: :nono: Never really been all that fussed Sharon, thought you knew that.
SHARON: Just as long as you get a few more murders in there beforehand eh?
SHARON: Y'know, you're a coward too - shoving your goodbyes into a poxy text message. Where are your guts Dennis?
DENNIS: Perfectly in place thanks. I'll leave you to imagine where they might be six months from now eh? Have a good Christmas, Sharon, I probably won't see you before then.
SHARON: Don't you bloody dare dismiss me. D'you have any idea what you're doing to Vicki?
DENNIS: Vicki? :unsure: Course I bloody do, you stupid cow. <_< I didn't disappear for months. We talk. I know how she feels.
DENNIS: I like how it's all about Vicki now. It was all you a second ago Sharon.
SHARON: She'll never forgive me. That's what she said.
DENNIS:  What? :unsure:
SHARON: Anything happens to you out there and Vicki blames me. She thinks you're going to avoid being our family.
DENNIS: Family? :lol: Jesus Sharon, I thought you more than anyone knew we blew that one out the water months ago!
SHARON: I do :knod: I didn't say it was what I wanted did I?
DENNIS: Don't wanna hear the next bit.
SHARON: Yeah, like I never wanted my sister to tell me she hates me because my... that'd you'd gone and thrown yourself into a bloody warzone!
DENNIS: Your what, Sharon?
SHARON: I don't want you to go. :nooo: I can't bear the idea that... I don't want this to be the last time we speak. I don't want... Christmas to have been the last time I saw you. :crie: Don't torment me darlin', not if I ever meant anything to you.
DENNIS: Your what Sharon?
SHARON: I won't beg you.
DENNIS: Your what?

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed out.

Mrs. Dorothy Branning
25 Albert Square
Walford
London
E20
United Kingdom

Hey Dot.

How are you? Looks like last night's prayer worked an' all, cos here I am. Still alive. :) Wish I had a way of understanding why you go in for all that jazz, cos for every day I'm out here, it just gets harder and harder to believe. Life out here, it's nothing like what you see on the news Dot. It's the edited version, the tame version. Makes me sick to think we give monkeys power just to cause this kind of anarchy. People drop dead around us. 

Yesterday, I stopped on patrol. There was this little kid, bleeding in the middle of the road. There were people running everywhere.. Car bomb, ripped this hotel in half. I know they say you should never move a casualty, but have "they" ever been in Iraq? I had to move him or he was gonna get trampled to death. He had a shrapnel wound, this huge bleeding gash in his chest. He was crying for his mum. I held him and talked to him. He told me his name was Iqbal, he was 8.... and his dad had promised the family they were getting out of Basra before the end of the week. Well, Iqbal ain't going. An 8 year old boy died in my arms yesterday, I knew him only for the last two minutes of his life, and I sobbed over his body like he was mine, Dot. If you can, find me a quote from that bloody Bible that says that's OK, OK for Iqbal.

I'm sorry but here.... it's relentless. We're all exhausted but we can never sleep. Men wake up in the night here, screaming. I ain't entirely sure I ain't been one of them before now. I'm terrified, I am. Not for me. I know I've never mattered. I'm only here because I couldn't face what my life had become at home, wherever home was. Too scared to admit that to anyone I left behind. I daren't put any truth into the letters I send to Vicki. She only sees them as a sign I'm still alive. Alive is right. But this is no life.

You know what it's like don't you Dot? To watch another person die, through no fault of their own. I know when Ethel died you were tested like never before. I never thought I had a soul before I knew you Dot. I was cold. But you believed in me at the time you had nothing else. I believe in you, I'll always believe in you, but.... I know now I'll never share your belief in anything above what can be known or seen. There's no God, because there's no justice for the innocent or the broken here. Iqbal's mother could tell you that.

Keep well Dot, you're the only one that keeps me sane.

Give Jim my best.

Love,

Dennis

xxx 

New message received
From: Vicki

C'mon Sharon, it's your birthday, I've got to get you something! :rolleyes:

New message received
From: Chrissie

Morning babe :) I'm going to keep pestering you about this. You know me Sharon, usually I'd keep my nose out, but for once, I'm with Vicks. It's your birthday, you can't just let it pass you by! I can't believe you don't even want presents. Are you ill?

New message received
From: Sharon

For the last time, no! Look, I appreciate it and everything, but what's there to celebrate? It's just another year :rolleyes:

New message received
From: Vicki

Did you get anywhere with Sharon, Chrissie? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Vicki

Fat chance babe <_< She's not having any of it :nooo: I hate to say this, but I think it's because Dennis won't be here. She'd never admit it, but I think she's missing him more than she's letting on. He is alright though isn't he? Letters still regular and all that? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Chrissie

:knod: I've been e-mailing every one to her, she knows as much as we do. You're probably right... missing him.

Message sent
To: Chrissie

Although... I haven't heard from him for a week or so :unsure: Should we be worried?

New voicemail message received
From: Vicki

"Sharon? Oh bloody hell, why have you never got your phone on when we need you? Look, I don't want you to panic or anything but... Chrissie got a letter through the door this morning. A notification... from the Army. Oh... God, just call me will you? It's Dennis..."

Mrs. Christine Watts
5 Albert Square
Walford
E20
United Kingdom

Dear Mrs. Christine Watts,

It is with regret I identify myself to you on this day. I am Lt. Jasper Wallace and under my instruction during this unstable time for the Middle East, I have one Corpral Dennis Rickman. I write to inform you that, as the next of kin listed on his papers, that at around 15:45 GMT on Monday 17th October 2005, Corpral Rickman was injured in a rocket attack. Please do not be alarmed, his injuries are thankfully minor. He has been treated for burns and minor wounds and remains recuperating in the field hospital. I can assure you he is receiving the most excellent care.

My best to you and the rest of Corpral Rickman's family madam.

Lt. Jasper Wallace

20/10/05

Message received
From: Sharon

Why the hell did he list Chrissie as his next of kin?

Message received
From: Vicki

I dunno, do I? I'm only his sister! :angry:  

Message received
From: Vicki

Sharon, I'm sorry :huggles: I'm in bits. :( But I guess he didn't think Dad would care and... well, he's not here is he? Dennis knew if anything happened to him, I'd... be like this :rolleyes: and you... oh Sharon! :(

Message received
From: Sharon

...and I was meant to be the one person he loved. I should have been his next of kin! But instead I've practically killed him! :crie:

Ms Sharon Watts
5 Albert Square
Walford
E20
United Kingdom

Sharon,

Kinda got burns on both hands, right now, so thank Alannah that you're getting anything at all. (Hiya Sharon, I'd be Alannah. I'm Dennis' nurse! Well him and three dozen others, but he's told me all about you and I couldn't say no to writing this letter for him! I hope it settles you a bit! :)) I just... I got your letter and I was sick of silence. 

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, or Vicki. I mean, I never meant to get pelted by a load of rockets either but we all knew this wasn't gonna be easy. 

I'm sorry about the way we left it, I never knew you'd get into such a state, but it's OK, I understand. And I'm OK. Not beaten yet. Not missed a letter to Vicki either, so I must be alright. How's she? Bearing up? Are you still in New York, cos I don't want you going back to Walford for my benefit. Only do it for Vicks cos I ain't gonna make it there much more before her 20th. Kinda gutted really, 

I hope your birthday was a good one, although my timing probably sucked. Sorry about the lack of presents too. If you'll let me, one of these days I'll make it up to you. None of this is your fault darlin', I want you to know that, so stop with the blame. 

You're right about one thing though, I dragged myself here out of spite, because things between us weren't going how I wanted them to. You'd been gone too long and you wouldn't let me in again. E-mails... texts, but you coulda been stood right in front of me and I'd have missed you. God, I miss you now. I'm an idiot and believe me I know that now. But I'm an idiot with millions of idiotic friends with a war to win. Let's just hope time really does heal all wounds yeah, or you'll never wanna set eyes on me again.

(He's joking Sharon.... he's as gorgeous as you remember, I promise!)

The second you know I'm heading home (and *home* is reluctantly Walford) I want you to be there, with Vicki. Because I'm gonna throw my arms around the both of you and I'm not gonna let go, til every breath of blame and regret is gone from your system. You still abusing it with my coffee? Have one for me eh? Missing it myself!

I had to write to you Sharon and I dunno what's it gonna make you feel. So just remember, weeks, months, years, aren't gonna change me - wherever I am. I'm still that idiot you know. And for Alannah's sake, I'm desperate to get back to sending you e-mails!

But yeah, I'll see you online at breakfast. I don't know which, when.... but fuckin' hell, we are not done with breakfast!

Love,

Dennis

xxxx

PS. Don't worry about the pain OK? Barely feel it, Alannah's been a proper Florence Nightingale! 

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Happy Christmas darlin'!

:wub:

C'mon Sharon, keep your chin up yeah love? I know it must be hard being back in Walford for Christmas without Dennis but Vicki's still there right? I hereby grant you permission to abuse my daughter - drink wine and eat chocolate til you're sick, sleep for a week and see out the bitch that has been 2005 in style. 2006 is gonna bring him home, you'll see. :knod:

Always here for you :huggles:

Chelle, Tim & Mark

xxx

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Happy New Year

At least it better be <_< Course, I didn't answer your last e-mail in time to wish you a Happy Christmas an' all cos I was hideously busy acting on the instructions you laid out for me and Vicki (who by the way, is demanding her next permissable hangover comes giftwrapped! :lol:) Not that it was all that great. God, what I woulda given to have spent the day mindlessly flicking through festive TV like every bugger else. We watched way too much of the news. Missing Dennis way too much for it to be fair. It's Christmas for God's sake... he should be here, with his family and instead... :( We haven't heard from him in a fortnight... me and Vicki have both been curling up in my bed, too worried to be alone... crying each other to sleep. It's so perverse. I just wish I could believe what you say Chelle. It's almost a year since he was last here... what if he never comes back? :unsure:

Yeah, so this turned into a fantastic message of goodwill :rolleyes: I'm just gonna shuffle off and go top myself, save you the hassle of bothering with me again.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: FW: Happy New Year

See what I mean? :unsure: I just can't tell what she does or doesn't mean anymore Vicks and it's worrying me! Isn't there any way you could get hold of Dennis, just to put your minds at rest? I hate the thought of you alone over there with Sharon when she's in that sort of state...

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: FW: Happy New Year

Well I can't leave her here on her own can I Mum? Especially not if she meant what she said! <_< She needs me... I'm the only one left who feels anything close to what she does for Dennis. I'm the only one that understands, and besides, sometimes, it feels like she's the only one that understands me as well. We're so worried about him :crie: 

I have to go... that was the post!

Message sent
To: Sharon

:O :buzzing: Sharon! I have the best news - Dennis is on leave! :crazy: I got the letter this morning! He's coming back to Walford at the end of the week! It's going to be OK! :wub:

New message received
From: Vicki

Dennis, where are you? Are you in London yet? :unsure: I suppose you won't be able to answer this until you are, but God! I can't wait to see you :wub:

New message received
From: Dennis

:lol: Me either sis :wub: I'm in London :knod: couldn't get a signal before that >_>, but I'm telling you now to turn your hyperactive arse around - I am not having you blubbing at me in the middle of Heathrow! I'll see you when I get back to Walford! :P

New message received
From: Vicki

:O But Dennis... I'm your little sister, I have to embarrass you and cause a scene! <_< it's like... my duty! :P

New message received
From: Dennis

Don't talk to me about duty Squirt, I'm back here to get away from the fuckin' thing! :rolleyes: The answer is still NO!

Message sent
To: Sharon

Answer me honestly... how long have you and Vicki been up? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Dennis

:blush: Since 5. Oh God Dennis, it's so good to hear from you :wub: Why didn't you call?

Message sent
To: Sharon

Cos I figure you might just hear my voice and die of shock :P You best not be on the way to the airport... :unsure: cos I told Vicki- :rolleyes:

Message sent
To: Dennis

:nono: We've been good, we're still in Walford. :) I've been pacing between the club and the tube all day though :blush: Oh Dennis, just tell me when you're gonna get here! :D

Message sent
To: Sharon

:lol: Well, d'you wanna stop with the pacing a second?

Message sent
To: Dennis

:huh:?

Message sent
To: Sharon

Turn around Sharon.

Message sent
To: Sharon

Remember me? :P

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: The wanderer returns

Oh God, Chelle, you don't know how fantastic it is to have him here. The way he just... appeared like that, it was incredible, it was really him at last :wub: He was stood across the market, just looking at me. When he realised I'd seen him, he waved his phone at me. Then mine vibrated in my hand. Made me jump, which was stupid I know, cos there was no way it was gonna be anyone else!

"Remember me? :P" it says :rolleyes: But I laughed anyway, I couldn't help it. It felt so weird. I haven't laughed in almost a year, since I'd been sat up drinking hazelnut coffee and talking to this same bloke. He's amazing... he's alive and he's sat in my lounge! :D

He saw me laugh and that was it. He knew I was gone. Must have looked well attractive, tears gushing down like I was never gonna stop. He didn't even move a muscle, he knew I was gonna go to him, running through the market before he disappeared or something. But then, he's right there, in front of me, and I just stopped. I couldn't do anything. My hand was shaking, nearly dropped my bloody phone. But he smiled, in the kinda way that says he hasn't for a long time. He eased his bag from his back and just let it drop like a stone in water. Careless bastard.

He straightened up and he.... God, I must have freaked him out the way I was looking at him, needing to see every detail. I've missed his face, I've missed it so much. But it was like, not even Iraq could take the spark outta Dennis cos the idiot stood there and saluted me. 

I totally trashed his composure and I love that I did that. I was just so happy, I still am. I'm just not so hysterical anymore :lol: I was crying so much I couldn't say more than his name. Over and over, throwing my arms around him, feeling him. He was really there. I never wanted him to let me go Chelle, never.

And he laughed as he felt me cry, he laughed.

First thing he says?

"Where's my sister then?"

:rolleyes:

Nice to know I was missed!

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The wanderer returns

I bet it is :rolleyes: Oh but Sharon, I'm so chuffed for you :wub:

How's my daughter taken it? Has she keeled over in a fit of :buzzing: yet? :unsure:

 
From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: The wanderer returns

:nono: I hate to admit this, but Vicki's been dead calm! Puts me to shame :blush: I mean, Dennis and me went back to the house and... God his face. He was looking round like a kid at Christmas, just to see everything as he remembered it, every cushion, every magazine. He'd never admit this, but he's glad to be home :wub: We made coffee... can you imagine how amazing it felt to have him there to do something so stupidly normal? I've never seen anyone so happy to see a tin of condensed milk :lol: But then I guess nothing's really felt normal for anyone since Dennis has been gone :(

I called Vicki, told her I'd found this guy on the street she might wanna see! Then I just went back to Dennis, and we sat in the kitchen. Not even talking but even that was OK. Couldn't believe he was right in front of me. Really couldn't believe it. Held his hand just to make sure, which I guess just makes me pathetic. He winced though. It was horrible. I looked down and it stared right back at me. Where he'd been, everything that had happened to him. Both his hands are still so obviously scarred.

Where did the flawless Dennis go Chelle? :crie:

He just told me not to look. I can't imagine what that did to him on the inside, cos it sounded so much like he was trying not to cry. I haven't seen Dennis cry since... since the last time I saw him... that Christmas. Who have I been missing Chelle? Tell me what I want him to be cos I'm so confused.

Vicki held that off though :knod: She came rushing in and Dennis was glad of a reason to get up, to get away from me. That was until Vicki had hugged the life out of him and he was choking at her to leave off!

We've had such an idle day. We went to the park if you can believe that. We fed ducks, we ate ice-cream, Dennis spent the best part of half an hour playing football with a load of kids... just cos he could. He looked geniunely happy. Happy enough to not even complain when Vicki, that's your 19 year old daughter :knod: begged him to push her on the swing :lol: The idiot did it and he laughed so much :wub:

Sat at home watching TV... Dennis banned the news, so we watched re-runs of Friends and whatever else. They didn't really talk, but Vicki was cuddled into Dennis all night. She fell asleep in his arms. Chrissie reckons it was the cutest thing she's seen and I had to agree. We both got up at around one and said we'd take her to bed and he didn't wanna let her go. He carried her up the stairs to her room himself :wub: Me and Chrissie had pretty much gone through another bottle of wine by the time he came back down. It looked like he'd been crying.

I don't think I can let him go, Chelle. I can't let him go back to that. :nooo: We need him here!

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Rational!

Sharon... I love you dearly, but you have to be rational! What Dennis does is Dennis' choice and he's made it, you know he has!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Rational!

Don't lecture me Chelle! There's nothing rational in deciding to live your life in other people's death! Dennis is worth more than this! He has a family, people that love him... people that have spent every day he's been out in that God forsaken place waiting for the call to mourn him. I won't let him die! And until you know what that kind of fear feels like, you have no right to tell me what to do! <_<

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Rational!

Alright, fine. I'm sorry OK? But I don't think there's any way you'll get him to stay :unsure:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Rational!

Course there is! He'll stay, I know he will :knod: if I just get over myself and tell him!

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Oh God

You're still in love with him aren't you?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Oh God

Wish it was that easy! Oh Chelle, I don't know what I am! I just know the last time he was this close to me, my heart was breaking because I had to leave him. I won't let it happen again. He's not going to leave me :nooo: He promised me a forever and I'm determined to have it. That man is not going to become a martyr to this bloody war, I won't let him. He's more than a name on a list of the dead. :crie: He's my darlin'.

Message sent
To: Chrissie

I'm not really sure I wanna know the answer to this, but did you hear Dennis in the night? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Sharon

:( Yes babe, I did. I didn't wanna say anything, not in front of Vicki :unsure: but... it was horrible, from what I could make out anyway. The poor lad :crie:

Message sent
To: Chrissie

Oh God! I was hoping I'd imagined it! What are they? Night terrors? Or memories? Chrissie, I can't bear to think what he's seen out there, what's going on in his head! :nooo: He was crying... he was begging! :crie:

New message received
From: Sharon

Morning darlin'. :wub: Listen... you haven't told us how long your leave is.

New message received
From: Dennis

D'you want rid of me already? :P

New message received
From: Sharon

:O Shut up do I! I was just hoping you'd have a bit of time for me, that's all. I wouldn't mind talking to you for a bit, just us :huggles:

New message received
From: Dennis

Yeah, I'd like that too :wub: :knod:

New message received
From: Sharon

Great :D Meet me in the Vic in ten minutes... I'm buying! :P

New message received
From: Dennis

:knod: I know :P

My flight's Thursday BTW

New message received
From: Chrissie

:O Thursday? Oh Sharon, you're joking! :huggles:

New message received
From: Sharon

We're gonna lose him Chrissie, I just know it. He's scared... scared to admit how terrified he is because we can't do anything to help him! :angry: Why can't I do anything? :crie:

Message sent
To: Vicki

It was good thanks sis :knod: It was a laugh. Sharon seemed a bit edgy though, she is alright isn't she? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Dennis

Not really Dennis, no! This is Wednesday morning. That makes tomorrow Thursday. None of us are OK with that :nooo:

Message sent
To: Vicki

Hey you, stop right now! :huggles: I came back didn't I? I will again, I ain't leaving you :wub:

Message sent
To: Dennis

But you can't promise that! :crie:

Message sent
To: Vicki

Can't promise I'll get any sleep before then if you carry on like this either sis :rolleyes: I'm going to bed now OK? :huggles:

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Oh Dennis... sorry darlin'. Just me... it's just Sharon. Shoulda known your phone wouldn't be on. It's three in the morning for God's sake, course it wouldn't. This is weird... you're sleeping in a room down the landing. There aren't any distances between us right now and yet I'm still blubbering into your voicemail. It's like it's easier y'know, though Christ knows what you'll think of me if you pick this up. Don't even know what I think of me right now. Why didn't you get me drunk tonight Dennis huh? Least then I'd have an excuse! Thank you for tonight darlin', it was brilliant. I mean, it was the Vic, it was nothing. But it was a whole day with you. It was perfect. Oh God, the taps are on! I'm pathetic I know, but Dennis... I... I didn't say everything I wanted to tonight. Guess I was scared. And you are too, I know you are. I just... didn't wanna say because I didn't wanna hurt you or embarrass you. But there's no shame in what you feel darlin'... you're a hero, you know that? And I'm so proud of you. I just wish... I mean to say... oh God, you've started again. Darlin', I can hear you. Yelling, crying. Who was hurt Dennis? Who have they hurt? "He's just a little kid!" What does that mean darlin', what happened to this little boy? Oh, I can't stand it. Look, I'm coming to you alright Dennis? I'm outside your door right now and I'm gonna come in and I'll be there, next to you. You don't have to spend another night on your own. You're with me. You're home now. You're safe..."

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Last night

:nooo: Vicki has absolutely no idea Chelle. It would pretty much break her if she did I reckon. I'm in bits over it. At first glance, you don't notice, unless you count the fact he's lost too much weight, looks shattered and has been marked by some other bastard's fire. He's still got the talk, he can fool you into thinking he's still Dennis. But he's not, he's changed. He's not Dennis, my barman, Dennis, Vicki's big brother, Dennis who blows his wage packet on vodka and losing horses, he's Corpral Rickman. He's a soldier, out there with millions of others, losing this war. I'll sound cruel, but I don't care about all of them, only him.

You know, when we were together, I was never really sure how deep the feeling really went. And now he's not mine anymore... he's not anyone's... oh I know it, I know it more than I ever wanted to. I'd give my life for him. I would. He's damaged now Chelle, more than I can bear, more than he can even.

He woke to me lying next to him in bed. He flinched, but I wouldn't take my arms from around him. I waited for the suspicion. I waited for him to accuse me of plying him with drink while we were out, to say that I'd seduced him or something like that. 

But there was nothing like that. He just sagged... lying there next to me and said; "You know what happens don't you?" He sounded so disgusted with himself and I just burst into tears. I hate that I was so weak. Dennis held me, Dennis was the one to soothe me when it was his pain that was crucifying me... how selfish am I Chelle? :angry:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Last night

You're not selfish Sharon alright? You're hurting... because Dennis is, and that's a world of difference! I take it back. Tell him you want him to stay. :knod: Tell him why!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Last night

Because I'm scared he's going to get killed! :crie:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Last night

Oh Sharon... you don't have to pretend to me. You must know what you're feeling! :unsure:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Feeling

Fine. I love him. I love him like absolute crazy. He taught me how. But I ruined our chance together Chelle, why d'you think this past year has turned out like it has? It's my fault. I found out all about Dad's filthy little plan to keep me and Dennis apart, and I just turned round and went back to America. Chrissie told me Dad was ill to get me there and I'd wanted Dennis to come to Walford, to forgive him. But Dennis wouldn't come and it was only when I got there that I realised why :crie: I also knew he wasn't that far away, and I phoned him in a state, wishing he'd come with me, just to hold me. He said he'd come to me, he did. But I was too scared, always too scared. I lost him. I stayed silent and he jumped on the first plane to Basra!

Vicki hated me when he signed up and I don't blame her. Because she's right. Anything happens to him and it's my fault! :crie:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Feeling

So you have to tell him! Tell him you love him and he'll see there's no war!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: War

But there is! He wants to fight it! I didn't leave him with anything else :nooo: He's back on the front line tomorrow Chelle, there's nothing I can do. Except pray he'll come home to me again. In one piece. One physical, emotional piece. He wants the strength to fight, he does. He wants to win. He practically begged me not to tell Vicki what's going on with him. He still wants to be her hero. She believes he's strong. But he's not.

He got out the shower this morning... he thought I'd left for the club. But I can't bear to let him out of my sight. 

I'm not ashamed to freak you out now. Dennis has the most amazing body. He does. Sometimes, there'd be hours between the two of us going up into the bedroom or wherever and us making love, because I was in total lust with every inch of him. I'd always want to know it, to love it. And I know it. But I just can't love it anymore :nooo: Because now, he's covered in bruises, painful looking bruises, raw looking wounds across his stomach and weeping scratches on his shoulders.

He'd only come down to get a clean jumper... to grab the rest of his stuff to pack. He didn't know I was there. And I could see in his face that he'd never have dared to so much as dash down in only a towel if anyone had been in the house at all.

He looked at me. I looked at him. And I was heartbroken.

"Oh my God... Dennis... what are they doing to you?"

As soon as the words were out, I knew they shouldn't have left my mouth. :nooo: His eyes went cold as I reached to touch him. I don't know what I thought I was doing, there was nothing I could do to soothe wounds like that. I hate being so powerless Chelle, I hate it.

"Don't." was all he said.

I tried to say something else, but... perhaps wisely, no words came. Not that I needed them. Dennis knew me well enough to guess. He grabbed the armfuls of his clothes and moved out of the kitchen.

"These are nothing Sharon, believe me."

That's the thing. I do believe him. There's only worse to come.

But cos of me Chelle... cos of me... he welcomes it! :crie:

New message received
From: Chrissie

Just one then? :unsure: C'mon Dennis, it's just a drink. You forget how much you matter to people around here!

New message received
From: Dennis

:rolleyes: Right! Look, I don't wanna mess up getting back to Heathrow...

New message received
From: Chrissie

Oh come off it Dennis, you have bags of time! Besides, Sharon told me to tell you she's not taking no for an answer! :lick:

Message sent
To: Sharon

I'll do you a deal. I'll spend every last second I can with you guys here, but if I do, I want you to promise me you won't come to the airport. If you can't agree to that, then we go at six like we agreed.

Message sent
To: Dennis

Oh darlin', that's not fair & you know it! :nooo:

Message sent
To: Sharon

:confused2: S'up to you. But I'd rather see you having a laugh and a drink than have you sobbing on me at the boarding gate. Same goes for Squirt :knod:

Message sent
To: Dennis

:( Message received and understood. But we can't help it, you know we can't. We need you.

Message sent
To: Sharon

You & Vicki are always gonna have each other. These are people with nothing.

Message sent
To: Dennis

Don't. :( I swear Dennis, I'm trying to understand. I am :knod: Just come to the Vic... there's a whole line of drinks calling you :wub:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: The dreaded hour

I'll have to be quick Chelle, Dennis has to go in half an hour. Oh God, I can't believe it, where did the time go? Why am I letting him go? I'm an idiot, and if this... if this is the last time I see him with an apprehensive breath in his body then... then at least I know where the blame lies :crie: And he's going back to that Hell alone. He won't let Vicki and me come to the airport with him cos we wasted almost every last second in that pub <_<

No-one on this Square gave a damn about Dennis when they used to see him every day. They all judged him, branded him some mindless thug. But now all of a sudden, it's like they're all his best friends and I can't believe their nerve. Slapping him on the back, buying him drinks and playing him with false admiration all at once. None of them know what it means when they call Dennis a hero. They haven't seen his scars, no-one knows the horrors held in his head. Not even Vicki. I know Dennis thinks we're protecting her, but I can't help feeling we're just lying to her. If I told Vicki about the night terrors, she'd beg and cry til he caved in, I know he would. And he'd resent me, but how could I care? At least he'd be here, with me!

He spent some time with Dot. They really love each other you know :wub: It's that proper maternal bond he's always needed. That bloody Paula! I never thought I'd be so glad to know someone was dead. Paula Rickman deserves it. Everything she did to her beautiful baby, they were the stepping stones to Dennis' new life and I can't stand it. Dot kept looking at me funny, wouldn't say words above a syllable to Dennis whilst I was there, like they've built up some code. He sent me home. Me & Vicki... he sent us home like children, promising he'd come back before he had to get the tube.

Does Dot know more of Dennis' pain than I do, Chelle? Why won't he trust me with the whole truth? :crie:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The dreaded hour

:huggles: Sharon, sweetheart, Dennis loves you. He loves Vicki. He's protecting you both. Why d'you think he put Chrissie down as his next of kin? He doesn't wanna burden you with all the things that might happen to him because he has a duty. A duty as a soldier and a duty as a brother. Wherever he is, he cares about you. You have to let him go Sharon. You have to stop :crie: That isn't what Dennis wants to remember til he comes home again.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Emo

You're right, I know you are :knod: But Jesus Christ, I can't stop. Fifteen minutes til he goes now.

Vicki and me couldn't really talk to each other. We were numb, falling over Dennis' bag, clearing away Dennis' last dinner plate. Silence drove me crazy and I went straight to the hi-fi. I don't know what the hell I put on. It was one of Vicki's. 

Emo, Chelle, that's what your daughter's into. Emotional music. Jesus Christ, she ain't kidding. I listened, and some jumped up wannabe rocker was making everything make sense. It tore me apart to listen but I couldn't bloody stop. I turned the thing full blast, til the walls were practically crumbling and I just sobbed.

D'you know whose fault it is Dennis doesn't care whether he lives or dies? :crie:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Emo

No I don't, and I can't say I care as long as you know it's not yours :huggles: For the final time Sharon, Dennis cares. If he wasn't all that fussed about dying, why has he been concentrating so hard on getting better, on coming home to his family, to living?

(My Chemical Romance: Welcome To The Black Parade
When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band.
He said "Son, when you grow up, would you be
The saviour of the broken,
The beaten & the damned?"
He said "Will you defeat them
Your demons & all the non-believers,
The plans that they have made?
Because one day, I'll leave you a phantom
To lead you in the summer, to join the Black Parade!")

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Emo

It's Dad's fault. :angry:

All Dennis ever wanted was for his dad, his hero, to be proud of him. Then he met him and his hero died as mine was reborn. Dad never cared and Dennis was just a little boy who knew that he was never gonna be good enough for his own old man. That's why he's doing this! Trying to prove his worth, in this hurt, in his blood! I can't stand it. He's doing it because he still thinks Dad's worth more than he is, after everything the bastard cost us! :angry: I've killed Dennis Chelle, I know I have. I've murdered my hero. :crie:

Your daughter knows that too. Because she had nothing to console me as I cried today. She's haunted too. And I did that to her. I forced her big brother away.

But Dennis is the only one that won't admit that. He came in, having to yell over the music to be heard. I jumped and turned it off straight away, hoping he hadn't heard the words that were making me sob. I turned away, so shamed to have him see me cry (again! <_<) and he... he covered the awkwardness.

"Hey, don't turn it off on my account. S'practically a soddin' lullaby compared to Basra!"

Vicki's face... it was horrible Chelle. I don't know how he can bear to be so flippant when it's so obvious to me he's in pieces. He asked me out of the room and we stood in the kitchen. He thanked me for not saying anything to Vicki.

He thanked me.

He promised me he'd be OK.

He lied to me.

But he won't let me prove it. Because he has to go. He's leaving me.

He lied to me.

"You 'ave reached the residence of Jim & Dorothy Brannin'. I'm sorry we ain't 'ere to take your call. But if you'd like to leave your name and a short message after that dreadful noise, we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Thank you very much."

"Ah, y'know what Dot? I don't mind if you get back to me or not. I'm gonna keep calling, just to listen to that message. You make me smile, y'know that? No mean feat that, believe me. I'm just about to get on the tube; my signal's bound to die when I get back to Heathrow and knew I couldn't go without saying goodbye. Oh God, no, that's totally the wrong word. I'm gonna come back again Dot. I am. I will. Or at least I hope so... cos I want to come back. I do. I want to see Vicki turn 21, I want to see her get married, have kids. Now I sound like her dad, but God! I don't wanna go Dot, I want to stay here but I can't! I want to stay with my sister and Chrissie and... and Sharon! Please Dot, please... promise me you won't say anything about this to Sharon! She already knows too much and I can't bear it. I never wanted to leave her. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm an idiot! And I'm so scared. I don't wanna go back there. I just... I want... I love you Dot yeah? You've been my rock and I'm gonna miss you so much!"

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Hey there soldier!

Remember me? :P Promised I'd come back to haunt you didn't I? :lol: I hope I catch you, I heard through the grapevine you got leave after Christmas :wub: Me too - back home in Canada with Mom & Dad for a few weeks. :knod: How long did you get? Never long enough right? How was your little sister? And Sharon? :unsure: Did she appreciate all those beautifully penned letters? :P Just for the record, I really didn't do that for everyone. :nono: Definitely something in the way you talked about her, it was cute :wub:

Home anything like you remembered? I guess London's as dingy as it ever was, but God, it must have looked beautiful compared to what we've both just left right?

I really hope you're well Dennis!

Love,

Alannah

xxx

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Hey there soldier!

Nurse Quantock! :P Thought I was well rid of you darlin'! Nah, great to hear from you, though you'd be a bit screwed if I was still in Basra wouldn't ya? Just thank your grapevine's timing - and the fact I've been shoved into some hotel for the next few nights... no expense spared for Her Majesty's men obviously :rolleyes: I have the most hideous feeling I'm not going back to Basra, Lan. That sounds stupid I know, we both thought it was Hell on Earth didn't we? But there's worse. There has to be, cos that's where I'm going. I hate being sat round waiting on orders, it makes me so edgy. D'you fancy joining me in getting wasted this fine evening?

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Hey there soldier!

Oh I would Dennis, you know I would, but in this case, it's really not gonna help you. I know you're not the kinda guy that believes this, but inebriation makes you paranoid and that's the last thing you wanna be when you don't know where you're heading next! Maybe they're extending your leave? :unsure: I mean, you can't be totally healed yet can ya?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Healed

Ah, you forget how long ago it is since we were in the same place. Three months... all the wounds you remember are gone, except maybe my hands... got the hands of a 50 year old now I have :rolleyes: *dramatic sigh* and the rest of me is still so young and beautiful. Wasted I am.

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Healed

Christ, is it really that long? :O Appears I've been missing you then. You were one hell of a bloke to keep your sense of humour when you went through what you did. It's the soldiers like you that remind me why I went in for this job. :) I suppose I should hope our paths don't cross again. Professionally, it's unlikely... I'm being posted to Afghanistan at the end of the month.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Post

Are you nervous? :huggles:

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Post

I think you'll find I should be the one asking that question Dennis darlin'. I'm first aid, not front line.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Post

But we're idiots to agree to it. :knod: We risk our lives knowing we'll never win. You save lives cos you refuse to lose. You know what I think Lan. You're amazing.

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Post

Right :rolleyes: I bandage arms and clean out cuts Dennis. You're the hero... bet Vicki & Sharon haven't stopped telling you that since you showed up! :P Listen, why aren't you heading back home for these "few days"? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Home

:nooo: I can't take anymore goodbyes. Excuse the shit phrasing here, but it's killing me Lan!

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Home

Oh sweetheart! :huggles: It's only cos they love you right? You must know it's cos they love you. I mean, I read the letters, I know. It hurts, but you've just gotta remember, you will go home again :knod: and they'll love you all the more for that :wub: You're a special guy, with one hell of a lot of bottle. If there were more guys like you out there, we might actually get somewhere with this fuckin' war. I know I should tell you not to give up the fight, but fuck that, don't give up on your family. They'll never stop loving you and they get scared. Hell, I got scared for you when you left the field hospital, cos I knew you were gonna give your all to anything you did after that. 

You know, I was gonna accidentally slip when I gave you that last glucose shot, give me reason to keep you there a little bit longer. Cos it was miserable when you went Dennis... I was almost hoping they'd bring you back in (Yes, I know, Alannah's a cow! :rolleyes:) cos I'm of the same opinion as Sharon & Vicki :knod: You're too good for this war but hey, we're in no position to turn anyone away right now.

But I guess I'm just curious to know, what's Dennis Rickman like away from the battlefield?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Home

About five inches taller, a lot less bloody and... tell you what Lan, get the first Army protected helicopter out of your warzone love, I'll line your drinks up in the bar! :P

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Drink

Corpral Rickman, was that an invitation? :P

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Look Sharon, it's an e-mail!

God, I can't tell you how pathetically excited I am to be writing this. An e-mail! :buzzing: To you :wub: I feel better now, this feels right! :knod: So darlin', what we up to for breakfast? :P

Love,

Dennis

xxx

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Look Sharon, it's an e-mail!

Dennis! :wub: Oh my God, darlin'! :crazy: It's an e-mail! :yay: But how... how are you sending it? Aren't you... on a plane? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Look Sharon, it's an e-mail!

Slight delay with that one :)

So... what's going with this fabulous coffee of mine? :P

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Look Sharon, it's an e-mail!

:lol: God, I... I miss you so much already. Just... come home now. Please Dennis... they'll never know the difference...

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Look Sharon, it's an e-mail!

Er, excuse me, but I think you'll find I'm indisposable til I'm a body! :P

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Shit, shit, SHIT!

Oh God! Oh shit! Oh Lan, what is it with me? :angry: I've totally alienated her. I'm such an idiot!

Message attached
Subject: RE: Look Sharon, it's an e-mail! 

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Shit, shit, SHIT!

Oh God! :nooo: Totally not gonna disagree with you right now darlin' but... to be honest, it's obvious to me you're panicking. Sharon knows you well enough to realise that too :knod:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Shit, shit, SHIT!

But I don't want her to realise that! That's the last thing I want :crie:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: A favour?

Hey sis. Look, I have to be quick, I have a flight to catch. I just wanted to tell you not to panic. There are so many war zones to choose from these days, the big people have put off re-deploying me til they make up their tiny little minds. A mate got in touch just at the right time, and I'm heading off to Canada to catch up with her til they pack me (or her) off again. So I'll still be reachable if you can be arsed with me :P :knod:

Anyway, a favour. Just tell Sharon what I've just told you for me. Tell her I'm sorry, tell her I know I'm an insensitive shit. I'm guessing she'll know what I mean. I'm just too pissed off with myself to go right to her and say it. So... you'll do it for me yeah? You're a star.

I'll see you soon :wub:

New message received
From: Vicki

Her? Dennis, should we be worried? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

Oh yeah Vicks, like totally :knod: God, can't just go to war can I? I've gotta pull while I'm out there an' all :rolleyes:

New message received
From: Vicki

Well, who is she?

New message received
From: Dennis

She's Alannah, field nurse who got out the Band Aids when your idiot of a brother tried to play the hero in a rocket attack. She's the one that saw me at my worse Vicks, somehow I don't think she's in this game for sexual gratification! :rolleyes:

Ringing...
Dennis

Welcome to the Orange answerphone for 07591729345. The person you are calling is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Dennis? It's Lanna. Look, you are still heading this way right? Haven't decided you saw enough of me back in Basra or anything and pissed off to Disneyland or somewhere instead? Only I've been stood in the airport for ages... checking the arrivals boards and the only flight you could be on just landed. I'm by the boarding gate now and unless you've put on a lot of weight, wrinkled or become pregnant since I last saw you, you're not here and, I'll be honest here, I'm gutted. I was really looking forward to... oh my God. Ignore me darlin'. No, don't ignore me, ignore this. Oh shit, Alannah, stop gabbling! I can see you, I can see you right now, you look..."

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Is he there yet? :P

Given the lateness of the hour you'll be reading this Trine, you can assume so :knod: :P Christ, I never thought I'd be so pleased to see the walking wounded! He had me scared for a while, I didn't think he was gonna show, but then, there he was! Grinning at me like a loon and me, I think I mighta shoved a couple of people out the way just cos I wanted to hug him so bad, to feel his every perfectly set bone :lol: He's lost a lot of weight (war tends to do that to the good guys <_<) but bloody hell, he still looks good - and I'm saying that as the girl that patched the poor bastard up.

It's been so easy being around him y'know? And that's bloody weird when I've seen him in his worst kinda states. He must hate me for that. But all we've done all day is laugh. You don't do that in a warzone Trine, I'm so glad I've got him out of there. :D I don't quite understand why he didn't go back to his family, but I love that he came here too. I only said it in the vain hope, and here he is! :lol: Result if you ask me.

We just walked round the city, kicking up in the fountains and eating and drinking everything we're not supposed to. Well, why not? Without a cause, it's our duty to rebel! :lol: We were talking about the stupidest things. Dennis has decided the sky looks a totally different colour in Canada :blink: :lol: I suppose he's half right... does the sky ever go blue in London? :unsure:

Mom & Dad love him as you might imagine :rolleyes: He is what I called my favourite "accident" :lol: They know all about him, have been badgering me about meeting him and there's me, never knowing if I was gonna see him alive again. Guess it's just a good job I did eh? :P 

But honestly, the way they're gushing over him you'd think we'd eloped together, not gone to war :rolleyes: I don't mind, it's cute :lol: And tomorrow's another day :P

From: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Oooh!

Now, accuse me of being over-suspicious if you must Lan, but has someone got a bit of a crush? :P

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Oooh!

Oh Trine, shut up! :rolleyes: How old are we, 12? <_< It's just nice knowing he understands what I'm about, nice knowing I understand what he's been through without it having to be the only thing between us. We've got so much in common! :D

From: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Oooh!

And all is fair in :wub: & war :knod: :P

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Oooh!

Seriously, shut up! You're not funny <_< I'm going to bed, OK? And when I say "bed", I mean I'm going to sleep :rolleyes: by myself and not with Dennis. Sorry to disappoint you!

New voicemail message received
From: Sharon

"Look, it's only me. Just thought one of us oughta be brave enough to talk to the other. How come it's only Vicki that hears from you nowadays Dennis? Have I done something to upset you, cos if I have... ah, I dunno... but you know silence drives me crazy. Guess I should be happy I at least know where you are, but... I'm not. I miss you and I don't understand why you won't talk to me. It's been weeks! And I... I can't believe you didn't turn round and come home. I mean, what the bloody hell's a hiatus for if that's not it? But then... we know where you've been don't we? Mmm, you really must be liking Canada... but of course! Vicki says you and Alannah have decided to get it together... your own nurse Dennis - I'm impressed! Good for you... just... I dunno, don't forget to send me an e-mail every once in a while! When you've got the time of course..."

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh bloody hell Squirt, you know how much I detest all that! <_< Some ancient Rev gets thrown to the lions for wanting to jump some virgin, so romantic!  :rolleyes: 

Anyway, what about you? Any secret admirers for the year? Half the bar-staff at the club still trying to wangle a date out of you? Tip... the mean and moody one is your best bet! :knod: :P 

How's Sharon taking to the organising for this Ball then? She got well stressed out with the last one as I remember it - so make her plenty of coffee OK? :knod: We still haven't really spoken, which is stupid I know but it's easier like this y'know? I mean, she's happy isn't she? Now that she hasn't gotta worry about me? :unsure:

Since you ask, me and Lan went all out anti-Valentine's. In fact, we nicked her brother's motorbike out the garage and went half way across the city just to avoid it! There ain't nothing much else to interest you sis, no gory accidents, no nothing. We were just together for the day. It was great. And though Lan was totally against cards and all that Valentine's wise (thank God an' all, have you ever actually read the verses in them things? :rolleyes:) she totally wanted a balloon. She's like you... twists me round her little finger. So I got her one and she pretty much skipped round like a kind on Smarties after that. Tied it to the bike when we headed back to her parents. She left it there for her brother to enjoy. Not sure if I should worry about ever meeting the guy! :unsure:

But yeah, the plan is to get absolutely hammered :D

So, oh darlin' little sister of mine :wub: if you can't/won't be good - be careful! :P

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh gross! <_<

So Alannah's the goddess that saved my big brother's life eh? Christ, you'd think she'd do the sensible thing and leave it at that but no! :nono: She actually wants to be with you an' all :rolleyes: but why Dennis? That's what me and Sharon can't work out! :P And when do we get to meet her? I thought you said when you got there she only had six weeks before they were shipping her out to Afghanistan? And that was four weeks ago... are you sure you really wanna get into all of this? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: Happy Valentine's Day!

Christ Vicks, you definitely know how to make today go down like a lead fuckin' balloon don't you? I know what I'm doing. So the timing sucks, the situation even more so, but me & Alannah knew what it'd be like and it's still there. You think if I could suddenly just ignore everything amazing about her I wouldn't do it? Cos I would, like a fuckin' shot! But I can't. I'm here with her for a reason. :knod: And this is Lan, Vicks... the woman I owe my life to? The sensation in all four (still attached!) limbs? I know she only asked me out here as a friend, but the point is, she asked and I wanted to come :knod: This is just what we've become and I'm not sorry. :nono:

Unless... :unsure: you really believe I'm shallow enough to abuse the hospitality of her entire family just to get a couple of shags out of her? If that thought is so much as in your head Vicki, then I'm gonna say one thing - go spend a week in Basra <_< Then you'll know what it means to come to and know someone like Lanna is gonna give her all to saving your life when you so nearly lost it. You know that's what she did. Without her for those few weeks, I'd have been more than willing to curl up and die.

It was because of her I ever came home, so don't tell me what I should do. Without Lanna, I wouldn't be doing anything. And y'know what? I understand what you and Sharon went through. Now I know how sick it makes you feel waiting to hear on someone you love. And you don't know how sorry I am to have put you through that. But I'm proud of Lanna because I know what she does out there and I know she does it better than anyone.

You are right BTW :knod: she's off to Afghanistan on the 28th :crie: So I have two weeks left here with her. No war, no bombs, no blood, just us, being normal people for two weeks. And I'm going to spend them with her Vicks. I don't wanna abandon her, or get over her. :nooo: Because I love her, and I'm not gonna forget that. 

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: FWD: RE: Happy Valentine's Day!

It's getting really bad Mum! Read it... Dennis says he loves Alannah! He's been in Canada for a bloody month and he says he loves her! :blink: Just explain to me what's going on cos I can't get my head round it! :nooo: This is Dennis... he's only ever said he loves Sharon and bloody hell, that took me long enough to understand! But I do! :knod: I understand that now and... oh Christ, what's this going to do to her? :crie:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Alannah

Victoria, I forbid you to breathe a word of it to her! :angry: (If only cos I can't bear to think about it either :nooo:)

I hate to say this, but I can see Dennis' point. Alannah saved his life, you can't deny that. And whether any of us like it or not, that's a pretty strong bond to build on. I don't quite get why he went to Canada in the first place :unsure: but I suppose it'd be nice to think that soldiers like Dennis can build relationships away from the bombs and God knows what else - they are still people! And he's right... it's just been them, for all this time, being normal - I'm not really surprised it's turned out like this...

You're wrong on the one count Vicki. No way would Dennis go halfway across the world just to use this woman for sex. At the very least, we know Sharon taught him there was more to a relationship than that. :knod: :(

I think we're beaten on this one sweetheart. I think we all just have to accept that for the moment, he means what he says, and hope that it all just fizzles out when they have to leave Canada.

New message received
From: Lanna

:knod: I know darlin'. I love you too :wub:

(I just abandoned a white chocolate mocha to tell you that Dennis, you best believe it now! :P) 

New message received
From: Dennis

:lol: I do :wub: Just head back Lan, please... don't make me miss you if I don't have to :P

New message received
From: Lanna

Like that is it? ;) I thought you were busy this afternoon? :P

New message received
From: Dennis

:nono: I'm done now! Please darlin', y'know we haven't got long... :(

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: You are never gonna guess...

...what just happened to me, Trine! :crazy:

I'm on my stopover, waiting for my boss to come herd me back off to the war :rolleyes: and I'm spending the rest of my cash in some cyber café to send you this! Oh please babe, pick this up within the hour, I'm gonna burst I swear! :buzzing:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
Subject: What do you make of these?

Be honest with me here Chrissie, cos I'm trusting your tastes with something massive here. I like the one on the right, but y'know me, I never get anything right, so what do you reckon? :confused2:

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v109/letiticious/engagement.jpg[/IMG]

Message sent 
To: Vicki

Vicki darlin', what's the last you heard of Dennis & Alannah? :huh:

Message sent 
To: Chrissie

Well, it's the 28th. She went to Afghanistan this afternoon :knod: Why? :unsure: Is Dennis OK?

Message sent 
To: Vicki

I'm gonna have to let you know the answer to that one when I know it myself! :confused2:

From: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: What do you make of this?

I agree with you actually :knod: It's gorgeous :wub: But do you wanna tell me exactly why I'm looking at engagement rings? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
Subject: Because....

:lalala: I might have flipped a little and proposed to Lanna before she got on the plane this afternoon :crazy: 

From: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Because....

And I take it by that grin that she said yes? :O

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
Subject: RE: Because....

:knod: I can't believe it! :buzzing: That's what the ring's for, wanna make it official for when she comes back! :wub:

Message sent 
To: Vicki

Oh
My
God!
:O:O

Message sent 
To: Chrissie

What? :unsure:

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: You are never gonna guess...

I do know it's only been six weeks Trine :rolleyes: but bloody hell, if you'd have been there, if he'd been talking to you, there's absolutely no way you coulda said no to him either! It was amazing :wub: :lol:

Alright, OK, so... details. We went to the airport and it was all fine til they called my flight. We'd just been sat there, talking and kissing :wub: But he started shaking as we walked to the boarding gate and he wouldn't look at me. Threw my arms around him and started to :crie: I just kept thinking, we'd had these six weeks and that was gonna be it. Couldn't stand the thought that I might not see him again, whether he lived through this bloody war or not. He was crying too. He'd never admit that but I could feel it. He was hugging me so tight, I could barely breathe. But I still had stuff to say :knod:

"I'm gonna miss you so much."

"I hate this. I hate it!"

"I know darlin', but so do my mom & dad, so do Sharon & Vicki... we're no different. You know we have no choice."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know."

There was no way I was actually gonna say "Goodbye". Not to him. We worked out a routine for this. No goodbye, and no looking back once you've started walking :nooo:

So I kissed him and told him not to forget where I was. His hand was still shaking so bad, I thought I was gonna drop it. I squeezed it and started pacing backwards. First bad. But I didn't wanna let him go. Didn't :( When I had to let go... let's just say I know what war wounds feel like now!

I'd counted in seven snotty seconds when Dennis made the second bad. He was calling me back.

"Lan! Lanna!"

Don't turn around, Alannah. Don't!

Third bad :rolleyes:

Then he says it. Just like that :wub:

"Marry me darlin'."

Do you have any idea how hard it is to smile when you're crying that hard? In fact, I think I resorted to squealing :rolleyes:

It was then I wanted to commit the sin. I wanted to run right back to him and never let him go. But I couldn't. :crie: The guy at the gate was trying to lead me off. Annoying him by being stood so still I reckon, by looking back.

So I did the only thing I could :D

I said yes! :buzzing:

Three times :blush:

From: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Oh my God!

Lanna's engaged! :crazy: Right, that's it girl, I hereby appoint myself in charge of your hen night! :knod: :yay: I still think you're mad though. I repeat, six weeks! :unsure: But if you're happy darlin', then I am too :wub: Got quite choked up actually :crie: Sounded like a scene from one of those films you watch with a box of Kleenex at one hand and a box of Milk Tray at the other. Looks like you've got a good'un in Dennis! :knod:

You best be careful out there :huggles:

Have you told the 'rents yet? :unsure:

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Oh my God!

:nono: I think Dennis is gonna do it. Mom's gonna think it's Christmas, I know she is :yay: Oh God, Trine, these are gonna be the longest three months of my life :( What am I meant to do if he gets posted in the meantime? :crie:

"You have reached the Quantocks. I'm sorry no-one's here to take your call right now but please leave your messages for Benjamin, Lois, Alannah & Stephen after the tone and we'll get back to you as soon as we can."

"Ben! Lois! It's just Dennis. Just, er... ringing to say Lan got off alright. If alright's the word when you're heading to Afghanistan. Look, erm, this probably isn't the way to do it, but... I can't hold it in til I get back. You're gonna think I'm crazy, but I want you to know I mean it. I love Alannah and just the thought that there was nothing I could do to stop her getting on that plane... I've, erm... I've asked her to marry me. And she... bloody hell, she said yes! But... look... ummm, she'll be gone for three months yeah? And I'm not about to go over your heads with this. I'd like your blessing... your permission I guess. I'm asking your permission to marry Lanna..."

Surface Mail
Delivered to
Nurse Alannah Quantock
Hey darlin',

Guess what? Permission granted! Your dad's got this impression I'm some kind of gentleman now. Love a bit of delusion I do. So while I'm here, best check you still wanna marry me - wouldn't blame you if you'd changed your mind! But I love you y'know and I'm missing you like crazy. It don't feel right being here without you, even if your Mum and Dad won't let me leave. Guess it's cos they couldn't stop you.

How are you doing out there Lan? Be honest with me darlin' eh? Remember I was there the last time. I know what war looks like. Stay strong yeah? First week's through. Eleven more weeks and then it'll be us, always. And y'know what? They can kick me out the bloody Army for all I care, I ain't going anywhere til I've married you. After all, servicemen are cute - my luck'll be you'll fall for one of them.

Vicki don't really know what to make of it. Guess she was like Trina really, don't quite get how it all happened in six weeks. I'll be honest, neither do I, but it's right isn't it? OK, so there's thousands of miles and about a week between me and your reply right now, but whatever Lan, you don't have to lie to me. We're friends too and I'm worried (yes, still!) that you only agreed out of shock, and let's face it, where you are right now, shock's only gonna get worse. God, I'm so worried about you. Did I mention I miss you?

Love,

Dennis

xxx 

Surface Mail
Delivered to
Dennis Rickman

You know what baby, you've gotta stop this. You're telling me you don't believe I meant it when I said yes. Don't you trust me at all? So the distance, the time.... it's a bitch I know, but let's face it, the only thing that's keeping me going in knowing that what I'm going home to. I woulda married you without Mom & Dad's permission anyway, but it means a lot that you asked them, Dennis, even if I don't know why. There's no way they woulda refused you. They love you. And I do too.

So Vicki's still not got her head round it eh? That's OK, I'm not surprised. I mean, I'm the one you proposed to and, I didn't believe you did I; even though I stood there and said yes! She'll come round to it. She'll know why we're doing this. How long we've been together doesn't matter, and she'll see that.

Trina did. Bloody hell, the girl's in her element. It's strange, there's a war going on around me, and I sit there and flick through copies of Bride or whatever else. I don't like doing this without you though Dennis. This day's meant to be about us and we're having to plan it seperately. It's not fair.

But here's a shock for you; you were definitely the cutest serviceman I've ever met! Even when you were mangled. It's different here in Afghanistan. They can't be cute out here.... too many wounds, too much pain. If you really want me to be honest with you, I've been crying myself to sleep. I lost another one today. A private, 20 for God's sake! What was he doing out here? I thought I was strong, but I'm not. I'm pathetic and selfish.... just wishing I was with you. I'm never going to lose you too.

I can't wait to come home.

Love always,

Lanna

xxxx

PS. You didn't mention how Sharon took it....

Benjamin & Lois Quantock
wish to invite 
Sharon
to witness the marriage of their daughter
Alannah Kathryn
to
Dennis James Rickman
on
Sunday 28th May 2006
at
3:00p.m.

The ceremony is to take place in the grounds on the bride's family home
3241 Pineridge Drive
Toronto, ON, M3M 2B7

RSVP by 25th April

Message sent
To: Vicki

I just picked up the post. Is there anything you'd like to tell me Vicki? <_<

Message sent
To: Sharon

:unsure: Don't think so... why? :huh:

Message sent
To: Vicki

:unsure: Oh nothing. I mean, I've only received an invitation to Dennis' wedding.

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Wedding + Sharon = DISASTER!

Oh GOD! Mum, it's all gone wrong! We should have told her - why wouldn't you let me tell her? <_< Alannah's parents have only started sending out the wedding invitations! :rolleyes: and Sharon got hers and oh God! Well, she knows now - what are we meant to do? :crie: 

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed in

SHARON: So... congratulations are in order then?
DENNIS: Sorry? :huh:
SHARON: Your wedding Dennis :rolleyes: Or should I say... your engagement?
DENNIS: Sharon, I've been engaged for... six weeks...
SHARON: Have you now? :knod: Well, it's the first I've heard of it <_<
DENNIS: Oh. Are you serious? Vicki knew all about it. Why didn't she tell you? :unsure:
SHARON: Why should she have to? It's not her big life announcement Dennis, why the bloody hell didn't you tell me? :angry:
SHARON: :rolleyes: Too busy living it up in Canada?
DENNIS: Oh Sharon, just piss off :angry: Alannah's in Afghanistan right now, I thought you all knew that! You really reckon I'm the life and soul?
SHARON: Alright. I'm sorry. It's just... you don't talk to me anymore. I never thought the first I'd know about you doing something as big as this would be when the soddin' wedding invitation landed on the mat! <_< I mean, how can you be marrying Alannah? You were in Canada with her for six weeks for God's sake!
DENNIS: :knod: And that was all I needed to know that this was right. I proposed to her the day she left.
SHARON: Why don't I know you anymore Dennis?
DENNIS: Oh give it a rest Sharon eh? Is it too much to hope you'd be happy for me?
SHARON: How can I feel anything about it when I didn't know?
DENNIS: Alright, OK, I'm sorry. But Vicki's a fuckin' foghorn, I never thought she wouldn't tell you. You know now :knod: I'm marrying Lanna the first weekend she's home. You will be there won't you?
SHARON: :lol: Like your wife will want me there Dennis. <_< Or are you asking we get back to playing brothers and sisters now?
DENNIS: <_< Why do you always have to be so bloody suspicious? Lanna wrote the letters remember Sharon? She knows what went on between you and me. She's fine with it. She knows what you mean to me and she knows I want you and Vicki there with us. She wouldn't have it any other way.
SHARON: How nice for her darlin'. But you obviously didn't realise the day before is Vicki's birthday. I don't think we'll be able to make it :rolleyes:

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed out

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The wedding

:O No! Dennis, that's not true, believe me! I don't care whether it's my birthday or not, I am not missing my big brother's wedding! :nono: We're gonna fly out on the Friday. Then I can celebrate my birthday with you & Alannah's folks before the wedding on Sunday. Ignore Sharon :rolleyes: I dunno what the bloody hell's gotten into her! 

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
Subject: RE: The wedding

Really? Cos I've got a fair idea. I've screwed up again haven't I?

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The wedding

I'll be honest, it looks that way :knod: but... everything with Sharon is in your past now right? Lanna's your future. Guess that's just a pretty hard realisation for Sharon. I mean, you loved her once too remember? And you never really... finished. And now, she's just been invited to your wedding. She probably feels like she's missed a step somewhere but that's my fault :rolleyes: I just... I didn't wanna hurt her. Neither did Mum.

I know that... that Christmas was a fair while ago but... you and Sharon were in deep and then it just... went. None of us understand that Dennis, no matter where we are with our lives now. You split up with Zoe and... nothing. Even I heard what you said to Sharon on the kerb, Dennis. And if she believed you... that's why she's being like this. I'm sorry.

Ringing....
Sharon

Missed calls: 4
From: Dennis (4)

[b]The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.[/b]

"Sharon? Please darlin', answer your phone. I just wanna talk to you... I want you to talk to me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have ignored you. I'm an idiot. C'mon, you know me, you know I am! Told you time wouldn't change me di'n't I? Sharon, this is stupid... you gonna make me guilt trip you? I ain't always gonna be safe and happy in Canada with Lanna y'know. Us getting married... it don't make any difference to the war does it? It could be days til they send me off again and what if I don't see you? The whole reason Lanna's part of my life at all is because of the danger you're in, every day. And bloody hell Sharon, I hate you for making me say this... I'm only doing it for a reaction, darlin' I don't mean to hurt you like this but what have I got left eh? What have I got left if you won't talk to me? I could be dead by the end of next week Sharon. I might not even make my own wedding. I could wake up tomorrow and be told I'm being shipped out to Baghdad. What can I do to stop it? Nothing. But I'm a soldier, we've gotta be prepared for death every day. Especially your own. And I know that Lanna knows how I feel about her, I know Vicki does. But I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything until you know as well. I love you Sharon alright? Please darlin', please just believe me. I can't be frozen out your life anymore, I can't stand it. I need my best friend back."

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Best friends

Your voicemail was one hell of a guilt trip Dennis :crie: Well done :lol:

I'm sorry darlin', I can't explain my behaviour, not without going over everything that's done now. Please don't judge me when I say this, cos it's taking all the guts I've got right now. Just take it in, then forget about it, that's my advice/plea :knod:

It's just... you're getting married. And yeah, you're a soldier who could go out there and get killed at any time, I've always known that's true enough. But you've got a family unit to worry about that eventuality. I ain't part of that. I don't know where I fit in with you anymore. Hearing you were getting married scared me more than hearing you got hurt in Basra because... I still love you y'know? :unsure: 

Don't panic, I don't wanna ruin your wedding but... you don't stop do you? Just because time's a shit and moves your life on. I know that me and you let each other go a long time ago, I think I accepted that the night you didn't come to Walford, but there's just... that tiniest part of me that's never gonna stop. I thought we belonged, me and you. I know I was proved wrong, but I still can't get my head round you belong to someone else now. Still, at least I know Alannah's worthy... she brought you home to me didn't she? :)

So I'm sorry for being so callous. It was shock :knod: And I'm sorry for being stupid enough to tell you all these things when they're gonna be the last things you wanna know. But an e-mail's OK, cos I can kid myself you never read it and that we're still best friends :wub: Forever.

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Sunday

Hey Sharon :) I hope you don't mind me getting in contact. I wangled your e-mail address from Vicki. Ignore me if you like, but I just wanted to check ahead and make sure you were still heading over to Toronto this weekend? It means a hell of a lot to Dennis to have you there on the day - he's really looking forward to having you and Vicki with us for Vicki's birthday too :wub:

I really don't want there to be any awkwardness between all of us and you might think I'm being presumptious, but I can pretty much guess what's gonna have you ill at ease. Sharon, this might sound odd but you're a woman I respect and before those six weeks in Canada, I felt I knew you as well as Dennis.

While he was in the field hospital, you and your sister Vicki were pretty much all he talked about. Guess that's why I liked him so much. He was selfless. Lying there, bleeding and in agony and still only thinking about you two. Not all soldiers are like that. Some glorify every scar <_< Dennis only worried for yours. That's why I wrote the letters for him :knod: I couldn't bear to think of you at home, panicking, missing him as much as it was obvious he missed you.

I read a lot of your replies too. Dennis would ask me to. Believe me, I didn't like doing it because as I did, I realised that I was intruding on something very private. Even now, I'm very aware how much the two of you loved each other, how much hurt brought you apart. I know how it started out, his dad being your dad, the two of you trying to be brother and sister, needing to be lovers and then, this Zoe... well, let's just say, I have no regard for her. You must think I'm a weirdo, not thinking wrong of you & Dennis when I'm marrying him on Sunday afternoon. 

But I just want you to know I understand that you & Dennis have a history; in fact, I much prefer that it's with you than her. Because I know he felt about you. You had something and I'm not expecting it to go away. Not just like that. Because I know too that Dennis still loves you. I'd think him callous if he didn't. I want you to know I don't want to change a beat of what Dennis feels, wife or not. It's not as if I never loved before I knew him :nono: You're a huge part of Dennis, Sharon and I couldn't wish to change that. It's obvious to me you made him what he is. Without you, I couldn't love him like I do.

Please, don't doubt how much he still needs you... how much he wants you to still be prominent in his life :wub: I want to marry a happy man Sharon and somehow, I think you're the only one that can make sure I do. I can't wait to meet you. I really hope we can be friends.

So.... the weekend then?

Love,

Alannah (who is in desperate need of chocolate but can't find anything that looks remotely like it in this whole bloody airport <_< :lol:)

xxx
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From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Sunday

Wow. I'll admit one thing Alannah, never ever expected anything like that :nono: You're a very strong woman. Must be why Dennis likes you so much, why he loves you. I never wanted to come away from Dennis like the scorned lover. I don't know how to be his sister, I don't know how to pretend, because you're right, we needed to be together. But that was then. Things went wrong and this is now. I don't think you're strange. I think you're everything I should have been eighteen months ago when I had the chance. But it's gone. All I have now is a best friend. And in that sense, I know I'll never lose him. That's enough for me now.

So yeah, I'll see you at the weekend... Dennis says he's expecting you at the airport about twenty minutes after me and Vicki are supposed to arrive on Friday, is that right? :unsure: I mean, if it is, what are you doing in an airport now?

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Airport

Well, I'm back on home soil :knod: I'm finalising everything in another corner of the country with my best friend (and matron of honour!) Trina right now. When I say finalise, I mean we're ticking off a rather exhausted list while we're pampered in some health spa. (If she ever turns up here that is :rolleyes:) God, after the time I've had recently, I can't tell ya how much I'm looking forward to it. But yeah, I fly into Toronto on Friday :knod: :buzzing:

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From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Airport

Oh right :) Sounds lovely - but I hope she turns up in time :lol: I can promise you I will. Me & Vicki have bought the outfits now so it'd be a shame to waste them! :P I hope you find you find yourself some chocolate before I see you! I'll shove some Galaxy in my bag for you shall I? Call it a wedding present (it'll go well with the fondue set :lalala:)

Thank you for understanding :knod: I don't feel quite so sick anymore :blush:

Make him happy Lanna. Happy enough for the both of us :wub: 

Looking forward to meeting you at last.

Sharon

xxx

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed in.

SHARON: Your fiancée just landed in my inbox!
DENNIS: Lanna? :huh:
SHARON: Well yeah :knod: it is her you're marrying isn't it? :P
DENNIS: What did she say?
SHARON: It was really weird. It was this whole long message about how she understands that me and you have got a history. It creeped me out a bit to be honest.
DENNIS: I don't see why. You knew Lan knew it all.
SHARON: But she was so nice. It just... didn't seem right y'know? :unsure: I mean, our own bloody family never really accepted us then along comes the woman you're marrying in three days time, all "Hey Sharon, it's all good... can't wait to meet you." It's thrown me. I mean, I can't imagine you wanting to sit down with her and go over every miserable little detail.
DENNIS: Well, no. Not quite like that. But... she's like you. She's easy to talk to :wub:
SHARON: :lol: May I remind you we went five months without a word to each other?
DENNIS: Yeah I know :knod: But I missed you like mad.
SHARON: :wub: Me an' all. Still... we're OK now aren't we?
DENNIS: :knod:
SHARON: She is lovely. Lanna. I can see why you like her. But... darlin', what are you gonna do when you get posted? Haven't you got a few more months of duty yet?
DENNIS: Yeah <_< Still, I get six months at home after that. Roll on August eh?
SHARON: But it's gonna be so much harder on you and Lanna isn't it? Being married and everything.
DENNIS: What do you want me to do Sharon? :rolleyes: Start belting out Livin' On A Prayer? :lol:
SHARON: :yay: Well, you are a Tommy! :P
DENNIS: Guess that makes you Gina then don't it? :wub:
SHARON: Y'know what? I have the most hideous feeling those are gonna stick :P

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com may not reply because his or her status is set to Busy

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: FWD: Sunday

How dare she be so bloody nice Chelle! :angry: How can she not know I want to hate her guts? I want to so badly. I want to say she's trying too hard to be nice but... she's telling me not to stop feeling for the bloke she's marrying on Sunday! Read it! She says she'd think Dennis was callous if he didn't still love me - and it's obvious she's not talking familial love! Why does she have to be so bloody understanding? Is it cos she knows she's stood in the way? Telling both of us to keep feeling it (I can't tell you how impossibly freaked out I am by the idea of Dennis talking to his fiancée about our relationship! <_<) when she knows she's getting his all? God, I hate it. I hate it so much :crie: I'm going to like her, I know I am. :angry: Why won't anything make sense? :confused2:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: FWD: Sunday

Oh Sharon :huggles: You're doing the right thing y'know. :knod: Alannah's right. It'd be too weird if you and Dennis didn't feel something for each other still after everything you went through together. You've just gotta know that it's not there to be acted upon anymore. That's how you know you'll like her. Because you want Dennis to be happy :wub: You're not gonna like this realisation darlin', but the truth is, you've moved on. Alannah's what makes Dennis happy and you've accepted that. And you and Dennis are alright now aren't you? So just go and enjoy being with him.

(Don't forget to spoil my daughter rotten for me!)

I'm expecting e-mails at hourly intervals until Sunday :P

New message received
From: Vicki

We can see yooooou! :buzzing:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Greetings from Toronto

Well, the deed is done Chelle :knod: I've met Lanna. And as expected, I like the woman <_< It was just Dennis at the boarding gate - Vicki almost had him on the floor the way she flew at him :lol: We had to get straight across the terminal to go and meet Lanna. Dennis didn't say a word to me, and y'know what? That was fine. He just smiled at me and gave me his hand :wub: with Vicki cuddled into his other side, bet it looked :blink:

But there's Vicki, jumping and down like a terrier on speed, assuming that every poor woman coming off the flight was Lanna. "Is that her? Is that her? Lanna!" It was pretty easy to realise which one was her, because Dennis was squeezing my hand so tight, I thought it was gonna drop off! :lol: The nicest thing was Vicki just calling for her and then actually getting a response. Oh Vicki's face!

"Vicki!"

She's beautiful Chelle. Dark wavy hair... irritatingly long legs. Got the nicest smile ever. But I guess that she only gets to mean it when she comes home.

Vicki was funny. She turned round to Dennis like "Who the hell is she?" :lol:

"That's her." he said and he dropped my hand and went running over to her, calling her name. "Lan!"

Her feet didn't touch the ground. She just clung to him like she was never gonna let him go. I gues that's what I should have done.

I watched him kiss her, really kiss her. And there was nothing. I don't understand why. I mean, I know what that feels like, he used to kiss me like that. But there was nothing :confused2:

Then she came rushing over to us and flung her arms around Vicki. "Ah, it's so good to meet you! Looking forward to your birthday Vicki?"

"Oh never mind her... are you looking forward to the wedding?"

She just grinned at me and said; "And you're Sharon! At last!" 

But before she could hug me, I handed her the Galaxy. There had been a second bar, but you know what Vicki's like :rolleyes: "As promised, Lanna."

"Chocolate! Oh my God.... Sharon, how much do I love you right now? Almost forgotten what this stuff looks like!" Then she hugged me. And I didn't mind. I really didn't. :confused2:

Anyway, I'm gonna head off. If Vicki has anything to do with it, tomorrow night's gonna be a seriously long one :rolleyes: I just wanted to let you know I'm OK :wub:

From: Lanna.Quantock76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: Engagement ring!

:buzzing: :buzzing: :buzzing: :buzzing:

OK, so my wedding's the day after tomorrow :lol: but Trine - I have an engagement ring! :buzzing: I can't stop staring at it (which is probably why I decided to email you instead of calling you... more opportunity to :hearts: at it! It's so gorgeous :wub: And it's from Tiffany's! Go me eh? :crazy: He must really love me given how much wear he knows I'm not gonna get out of it :( The diamond is just :wub:

It was brilliant :lol: We were... well, let's just say we were alone :lalala: and there's no way he was gonna be staying fully clothed. I've waited three months for God's sake <_< Anyway, shut up Lanna :rolleyes: This isn't about your sex life, it's about your engagement ring :crazy: and I was just getting rid of his jacket :lalala: when I felt it in his inside pocket... the little box. Bastard stopped kissing me to stop me <_< Then he just opened it and I was almost blinded by my diamond. He just put it on my finger with the cutest smile on his face :wub: and that was me, Alannah Quantock, engaged to be married :buzzing:

I'll see you when we take Vicki out right? It's her 20th tomorrow :knod: I'll show you then! :P

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New voicemail message received
From: Vicki

"I wuvoo Mummy. I do! You should come over here, yes you should, cos it's beauti... hic!... it's nice! Went to this gorgeous restuarant, Lanna's parents paid for the lot. Dennis looked well pissed off. I'm sure Lanna will get him to forgive 'em though, cos you know, it might just be the time difference but she went to powder her nose and his phone went off. Didn't see either of them for half an hour! Dirty bastard! Hic! Oh, sorry Mummy... I might have had a bit too much to... anyway, I'm off to find some syrup. I'm making waffles! Isn't that fantastic? They have a waffle maker thing... why haven't we got one of them? Anyway, doesn't matter, I'm going now. See you soon! I wuvoo!"

Message sent 
To: Sharon

Is it just me or is my daughter off her face? :rolleyes:

Message sent 
To: Chelle

:blush: I'm sorry - but she had a good night though! :knod: :lol:

Message sent 
To: Sharon

Good :wub: But make sure Dennis & Alannah know it's their own fault if she conks out in the middle of their ceremony tomorrow :P Sleep well darlin' :huggles: Talk tomorrow?

To Tommy

Love, Gina

xxx

New message received 
From: Vicki

Sharon, I gave Dennis the envelope like you asked me to :knod: but where the bloody hell are you? The ceremony's barely finished and I can't find you anywhere <_<

Message sent 
To: Chelle

He's done it Chelle. He's married her. For fuck's sake, it wasn't supposed to feel like this :nooo:

Calling...
Chelle

"Sharon? Sharon, are you there?"

"Yeah." Sharon said at last, her voice no more than a miserable whisper.

"What's going on darlin'?"

"I don't know. I wish I did. But I... I feel sick Chelle. I thought I was OK, I thought you were right... there was nothing! But he married her. Right in front of me. And I just... I wasn't OK anymore. There was something."

"Whoa, whoa!" Michelle pleaded in two anxious breaths. "D'you wanna start at the beginning?"

"And where is that Chelle? I just sat through Dennis' wedding. He's just promised another woman "forever." Oh God, I don't know what I was expecting, if I wanted him to turn round and say "Actually, I don't wanna do this!" I don't know what I wanted, cos I was so sure I was alright, that I was over it all. But that word came out of his mouth and I can't stand it. He's married her. I think he's forgotten all about me, about us."

"No Sharon, he wouldn't-"

"He has!" Sharon wailed, shaking as her first true sob overwhelmed her. "I gave it him back."

"What?"

"The ring. Made Vicki give it to him. Cos I know what I mean to him now don't I eh?"

"Sharon, listen to me, just because he feels differently now doesn't change the fact he meant it then!"

"He said forever!" she sobbed. "He said he meant it! But I'm nothing to him anymore; I'm not his lover, I'm not his sister, I'm not anything! Oh God, I just wanna get out of here!"

"Well, do it then." Michelle urged, with no consideration for the consequences. She just couldn't bear to hear her best friend so desolate and so damn far away. "Seriously Sharon, come to me! We'll get through it together darlin', you don't have to be on your own."

"Thanks babe. I dunno what I'd do without you."

"Oh shut up." Michelle scoffed. "I should have known you were too calm about all of this! I should have realised."

"You ain't the only one." Sharon assured her miserably before she rang off.

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
To: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
Subject: The wedding

Hey Chrissie :wub:

Well that's that then. My big brother is a married man :) He & Lanna were quite gutted you couldn't be here, but they told me to tell you they wish you all the luck in the world with the salon :knod: My head still kills from last night so excuse the likelihood that this e-mail will tail off.

It was a gorgeous wedding :wub: you woulda really enjoyed it. It was a garden ceremony, an altar covered in flowers. The sun's been out all day (again, not good for the head :rolleyes:) and Lanna looked amazing. She just had a red summer dress on and it was :praise2: Dennis didn't look all that bad either. Really weird seeing him stood up there, looking so proud when Lanna arrived - I think he might have been :crie: a little, not that he'd ever admit that :rolleyes: He just held her hands and made his vows, not looking at anyone but her. He really loves her. :knod: It was beautiful. I :crie: my eyes out.

Sharon cried a little too, she was really shaking when she started applauding their first kiss (And bloody hell, what a kiss, it lasted about a minute and a half, there were definite tongues and Lanna was leant so far back, Dennis coulda broken her back :lalala:) and then she just... disappeared. And I mean disappeared, I can't find her anywhere. Don't worry though, this place is huge, it will take me all night :lol: She's probably necking champagne in a treehouse or something. Lanna did mention she built a couple when she was a kid.

It's just... Sharon gave me this little envelope to give to Dennis. Chrissie. who are Tommy & Gina? :unsure:

From: ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: RE: The wedding

Bless 'em, tell them I say thanks :knod:

Glad it was beautiful for them both :wub:

Have you found Sharon yet? :unsure: Guess this was never gonna be easy for her. Give her one of these from me :huggles:

Oh yeah - Tommy & Gina... Bon Jovi, Vicks. Livin' On A Prayer... It's My Life...? Were they the names on the envelope? What was in it? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

Sharon, where are you? :unsure: Have you got a second? We need to talk xxx

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!

F*cking BASTARD! He found me Chelle, when I was trying to pack. Bastard just barged in. So much for wanting to talk :rolleyes: Face like thunder, throws the envelope down and asks me what the hell I think I'm playing at. Me playing? Well bloody hell, I like that. So I told him, I was sorting out my life, just like he has :knod: And he says... no he doesn't, he shouts that I'm twisting the knife. I swear to God, I nearly hit him :angry:

So I scream. Really. "I didn't just get married in front of you!"

"Is that what you're running from?"

:angry:

"I'm not running, how dare you!"

"Oh you bloody are. You don't know how to do fuck all else!"

"Alright fine. I'm getting away from the past. That's what you are, that's what that bloody ring is! I want rid! We're looking to the future now aren't we? You and your wife... for f*ck's sake, go back to your wife!"

And I broke. :crie: I burst into tears right in front of him. I hate myself. I mean, I hate him but I hate myself so much for being so fuckin' weak. And he was stunned, stood there, not knowing what to do. Typical fuckin' male <_<

When he stepped forward, I stepped back. One hell of a way.

"Oh what the f*ck is wrong with you?"

"I just told you! I want rid! Does Lanna know what she's just done? Huh? Does she know all your promises are second hand?"

And he laughed. I'd have given anything for the strength to kill him there and then Chelle. I hate him. I hate him so much.

"If you're about to start lecturing me on how to work my marriage Sharon, you can save your breath! You don't know anything so just shut your nasty little mouth"

"Well go on then Dennis - make me!" I was really daring him. And I think I saw the Corpral. The man that's trained and maybe even paid to kill, depending on your viewpoint. "You told me forever as well remember? And what do I get for believing you? Nothing! So take that piece of junk and try it on Lanna eh? Looked to me like she bought it. Poor deluded cow!"

And he exploded. He really did. I was almost frightened. He shook me, he ranted at me, he made me cry harder. He said I was jealous. And I lied. I spat my laughter into his face and I lied. I said I wasn't. But I am aren't I? Because Alannah Rickman is everything I was meant to be. And I'm not. Dennis and me were meant to belong and instead we tore strips out of each other. I hit him and he looked like he wanted to hit me. He pushed me away before the urge took him though and he said I was a coward, that I wasn't in a position to mess with his head anymore.

I didn't say anything. I just carried on throwing everything into the case. Then Lanna came in. She was flushed, said she could hear us from the garden. Dennis just stormed off. Oh, so I'm the coward alright :rolleyes:

I'm sat on the floor of the airport with the laptop sending this Chelle, waiting for them to call my flight. And I'm lonely. I'm so lonely. :crie:

I don't want to be this person anymore

Make me someone new. Please :crie: :crie: :crie:

New message received
From: Alannah

Sharon? Look, please get in touch. I know that whatever happened between you & Dennis on Sunday is none of my business, but I'd just like to know you're OK! :huggles:

Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk has just signed in

VICKI: Dennis, this is getting beyond stupid now. I know where Sharon is for God's sake, and she won't even talk to me. What the hell went on?
DENNIS: Enough of the bloody badgering! :angry: She ran away Vicki, that's it. She's good at that.
VICKI: You can't be putting all the blame on Sharon Dennis, you're bigger than that!
DENNIS: Oh course I am darlin' :knod: I'm Tommy <_<
VICKI: Yeah, I know. And Sharon's Gina, I know. What was in the envelope Dennis?
VICKI has just sent you a Nudge!
DENNIS: The ring <_<
VICKI: Ring?
DENNIS: Yeah, the ring. Pink plastic, gave it to her before you left that Christmas remember?
VICKI: :knod: Oh God... :crie: Poor Sharon.
DENNIS: Oh piss off :angry: She's the one being all dramatic! If she wants to have a strop then let her!
VICKI: Oh Dennis, will you grow the hell up and just think for once in your selfish little life? You've married Lanna right? You're over Sharon. If she still had that ring to give it back to you, then what does that tell you?
DENNIS: She hoardes junk :rolleyes:
VICKI: STOP BEING SUCH AN ARSE! :angry: :angry: :angry: Didn't it ever worry you how calm Sharon seemed about the engagement once you and her were speaking again? She was too calm because she didn't mean it, she can't have meant any of it. If she still had that cracker ring, then there's no way she's over you. She's still waiting for what you promised her.
DENNIS: Yeah well, she'll have to take a raincheck on that one won't she?
VICKI: Dennis! <_< It's not Sharon's fault you got married!
DENNIS: I beg to differ little sister. It's her fault I ever met Lan.
VICKI: You spiteful shit! :angry: At the beginning Dennis, I might have agreed with you :knod: but nobody and especially not Sharon forced you into this war! You went of your own accord - because you knew it'd crucify her. You wanted to punish her and why?
DENNIS: She didn't believe me. She's never believed me.
VICKI: Believed what? :unsure:
DENNIS: Anything :confused2: When I told her Den was still alive, she ignored me. First time I told her I loved her, she threw it back in my face. When I told her I wanted to be with her, she told me to go back to Zoe. I tried to tell her what had gone on with Den after Christmas, but she'd still rather think good of that bastard <_< So yeah, maybe I did want to hurt her? So what?
VICKI: Did you even mean it? :unsure: When you said Forever?
DENNIS: :knod: :crie: But she wouldn't let me give it to her :nono: I tried to go to her the night she found about what Den & Zoe had done. But she didn't wait. She didn't believe me when I said I'd come. That's why I went away, signed up. Least then I'd be believed when I said I'd do something. I ain't got any choices anymore.
VICKI: Yes you have :knod: :huggles: Make your peace with her Dennis, do whatever it takes. I don't care what either of you think you're feeling right now. You know you need each other. You've gotta stop pushing each other away like this or you're gonna look round one day and realise how lonely you are. And it never had to be like that. Just think about it Dennis. 

Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk has just signed out

New message received
From: Alannah

Have you heard anything from Sharon, darlin'? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

No. Why would I have? <_<

New message received
From: Alannah

Well, I just... wondered. She's not answering me so I thought maybe you'd have had better luck :confused2:

New message received
From: Dennis

You mean you went behind my back! For fuck's sake Alannah, leave her alone! :angry:

Missed calls: 21
From: Vicki (4)
           Dennis (17)

New messages: 2
From: Dennis (2)

My wife had no right to contact you. I apologise.

I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do to make you believe me. I'm sorry Sharon, I am. You don't deserve any of this. But I still need you.

New voicemail message
From: Dennis

"Seventeen bloody calls this has taken me. Just to speak to you. And it's not even you, it's a pissin' machine. I'm pathetic. What happened Sharon, it never used to be like this! Please don't ignore me. I know it's everything I deserve after what I said on Sunday but... bloody hell Sharon, I need you so much right now. It's why I flipped. You were leaving me.... leaving because of me and I needed you to tell you this and I... God, I wish you were here right now. Look, if I e-mailed you, signed in, whatever; would you talk to me? I can't keep it in anymore. I'm scared alright Sharon? I'm really scared."

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Yes?

I don't know what you're expecting me to say, but since it doesn't look like you're going to leave me alone <_< I'm listening.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Yes?

Thank you :)

I don't know how to flannel this Sharon :nooo: so here goes nothing.

I think this is it.

That phone call on Saturday? I know what you all thought. :rolleyes: You thought it was Lan calling me to the ladies for a quick one. But God, if only. Cos it wasn't. It was my Sergeant. I'm seeing out my tour of duty in Baghdad. And I'm frightened. It's gotten so much worse out there. For the first time, I'm frightened for my own life. Just as it seems worth living, someone up there wants me gone. I really think I'm gonna die out there.

So I'm begging you, forgive me. Forgive me everything I've ever done to hurt you. I never meant any of it. For once in your life, just believe me. Believe what you mean to me. Be happy.

Ringing....
Dennis

"So we have a bust-up on your wedding day and the next you're a dead man? Bloody hell Dennis, there are easier way of getting me to talk to you! Why can't you say it with flowers like any normal-"

"Shut up Sharon." he pleaded weakly. "Just shut up."

"Well, I don't... Dennis, you've done this before. You're a good soldier, you-"

"I'm not enough. I never will be. And I've got such a bad feeling. I'm scared."

"Wh-When d'you go?"

"End of the week."

"Oh God. Lanna must be in bits-"

Dennis laughed bitterly and then sniffled. Sharon froze. He was crying. 

"Strangely enough darlin', I didn't really wanna break it to her the night before our wedding. And then, you got Vicki to give me that bloody ring back and you're all I've thought about since. I never meant to blow up at you like that, I swear I didn't. But I needed to tell you so badly... I trusted you. And you were there, packing, desperate to get away from me. And I knew I couldn't tell you then. But I was so wound up and I had to make it all about the ring-"

"Back up a bit there... you mean Lanna doesn't know and you leave in three days? Dennis, this is insane, she's your wife. Forget about me for God's sake!"

"But I can't. I can't."

"Try." she commanded sternly, somehow pacified by the few moments silence that followed.

"Why did you give it back Sharon? Why did you give the ring back?"

"Because it's in the past. You have a new life now Dennis. You should be looking to the future."

"But I don't have one do I? I'm gonna be dead."

"Stop it! Stop it right now!"

"I'm sorry darlin'. Don't cry. I've never been worth your tears have I eh? I just... I had to be honest with you. One last time."

Chelle, Tim & Mark,

I'm sorry to do this to you, but I have to go. I'm needed.

Thank you for everything as always. No doubt I'll be back!

Love,

Sharon
xxxx

New message received
From: Dennis

Look, Sharon, you don't have to do this. It's OK. I'm OK :)

New message received
From: Sharon

I don't believe you :nono: I'm in the terminal now Dennis and I'll be with you by 3. End of. :knod:

New voicemail message received
From: Sharon

"Lanna, I'll have to be quick, they're calling my flight, but I just wanted to say, I'm not wanting to intrude. I can make this a flying visit if you like, I know I have no place in your home right now, especially not after how I behaved on Sunday. But I just want to apologise to you and Dennis. Right, I have to go. I guess I'll see you this afternoon..."

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: What's going on?

You're going to think I'm an idiot Chelle, I know, but if you'd heard him... :crie: Dennis needs me and I don't care what's gone on between us, I couldn't turn away. I couldn't. :nooo: He's terrified. And he can't even tell his own wife that. You don't know what that did to me. So I left yours and got on the first flight out to Toronto. I had no choice. He was trying to lie to me, saying he was OK, but I saw him in that airport and I just knew he wasn't. There was no way. :nooo:

We stood there, hundreds of people moving around us, and neither of us could do anything. We're just looking at each other. How can there be so much pain in one moment Chelle? It wasn't fair. And I was thinking exactly what he was thinking. That I might never see him again :crie:

I couldn't be so seperated from him, whatever had gone on and we hugged each other so tight, I reckon we both blacked out for a second. He was shaking. He was really shaking.

And we didn't speak. We just, ended up outside the Starbucks or whatever the hell it is, with coffees we weren't drinking. We kept looking at each other and I was just waiting for him to start talking. But he wouldn't. So it was up to me - and in spectacular Sharon fashion, I leapt right in there. :rolleyes:

"You have to tell Lanna how you feel."

And he looked up... he looked frightened. "I can't."

"Dennis, she's your wife."

"I know!" he snapped back. 

He didn't mean to, I know he didn't. He started playing with his wedding ring really anxiously, like he was trying to tug it off. I had to reach over, pin his hand flat to the table to stop him.

"She's seen too many soldiers die Sharon. She knows what it looks like, she knows what it sounds like and she's got a pretty good idea of what it feels like an' all - she's the one always trying to take the pain away! But... I'm her husband, I love her, I don't wanna be just another soldier. I know I'm gonna die-"

Oh Chelle, I can't bear it :crie: He's so certain and there's nothing I can do to convince him. That's what's so terrifying... he's convincing me.

"-and I don't want Lan to be sat waiting for it, knowing what it must have been like for me, thinking she could have done something. I don't want her blaming herself. All of this... everything, it's my fault. This is what I deserve. So bring it on."

I told him to stop. I begged him. I tried not to :crie: I tried to tell him that all his thoughts... must have post-traumatic stress or something. Soldiers come back from conflict with it all the time don't they? And Dennis, he never recovered from that little boy in Basra... :nooo: I said he should admit to his superiors that he wasn't fit to go back. He laughed. Said; "S'called desertion that is, Sharon. You can still get shot for that y'know."

And there was nothing in his face. It's like... he's resigned to it happening anyway. I'm losing him Chelle. I'm losin' my darlin' :crie:

New message received 
From: Dennis

Yeah sis, she's here. She came out to make it up :wub: We're fine really :knod:

I love you Vicki :huggles:

New message received 
From: Vicki

I'm proud of you Sharon! :huggles: Dennis says you went out to him! Well done. Sleep tight :wub:

Message sent  
To: Sharon

Are you awake? I don't even wanna close my eyes. Could we just... talk? :unsure:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Telling Lanna

I've told Dennis he has to :knod: He's so scared. He doesn't want to hurt her. Part of me, the really selfish and pathetic part wondered why he doesn't mind hurting me with this, but I understand. I hate it, but I understand. When they met, Dennis was the wounded and Lanna was the wonderful, the one who could make it OK. And he has to go out there without her. She can't save him this time, whatever happens. :crie: And Dennis is right - she's seen it all, she'll be able to imagine every awful thing to have happened to him. Oh, she may be Dennis' wife, she may be the one he loves these days, but bloody hell, Chelle, I could never envy her position. But I know, if I was her, there's no way I could let him leave me as he plans to. I'd want to know.

I stayed with them at the Quantocks last night. Dennis text me at about two in the morning, wanted to know if we could talk. He'd have had a job. I'd been listening to the radio, I'd been crying my eyes out. But still, he crept into the room. Sat there, on the edge of the bed. Looking as terrified as ever. Oh I wish I could remember what he looks like when he smiles, when he means it. I miss him Chelle, I miss Dennis and he's not even gone. But he is. He's broken.

He said he couldn't sleep, that he daren't anymore. He says the night terrors are back :crie: and he doesn't want Lanna to know. I can't believe she doesn't. I tried to tell him that, Lanna would understand!

"Oh yeah-" he scoffed. "-then she'd be well up for me going to Baghdad wouldn't she?"

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. If he'd stay for anyone, he'd stay for his wife. Wouldn't he? :unsure:

I tried to be gentle about it, but I know well that I failed. Because just saying it, saying that he only had two days to come clean, I felt sick. Two days til he was so sure he was heading for... oblivion. Two days til I'd never see him again.

Oh Chelle, what's happened to me? Why am I so sure? <_< Dennis isn't right, he's not! :nooo: He's come home before, why not this time? :confused2:

I told him that if he didn't tell Lanna then I would. And he cried :crie: It broke my heart. Guess we're gonna be broken together.

Just like Tommy & Gina :crie: 

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Telling Lanna

I know you feel awful darlin', but you feel that way because you're doing the right thing when all you want to do is hide from everything and keep him safe. That you can't do. You just have to believe that he'll come home. Because you're right, he has before :knod: Lanna definitely deserves to know, so you have to push him. He'll learn to forgive you Sharon, he's frightened, that's all.

:huggles:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Telling Lanna

He came to breakfast this morning and it looked like his tears weren't even dry on his face. Lanna fussed around him like anything. I think she's panicking. And Dennis still won't put her out of her misery (or worsen it, depending on your viewpoint :() He snapped at her, told her to leave him alone. And there's me, stood buttering bread trying to pretend I'm not there. Because I bet she thinks it's all me. Making my presence known as the ex-girlfriend she was meant to be so fine with, having my influences on the husband that won't talk to her. And in some ways, she's right. It is me. But only because Dennis made it that way.

So I covered with small talk. "I'll be out of your hair in a couple of hours. Flight. Vicki's expecting me to open the club myself at least once before Christmas."

"Right." Lanna smiled. Smiled. At me. Like I was rescuing her from Dennis or something. I feel so sorry for her. It's horrible.

She nabbed a piece of toast as it sprang up from the toaster, leaning over to put the radio on - to fill the silence she couldn't explain in other words.

"You'll let me give you a lift won't you?"

I tried to tell her there was no need, but she wasn't having any of it. And I had this horrible feeling that she wouldn't know about anything that was going on with Dennis til I climbed out of the car at the airport and forced him into it. He's not strong on his own anymore.

I stood, pointlessly picking at this bit of bread. I still can't remember what I was going to do with it :confused2: And I listened to the radio. And it's a bitch, you know that? It really is a bitch <_< :crie:

(The Goo Goo Dolls: We'll Be Here (When You're Gone)

Now everyone is gone
To a place that won't be home
Can they keep their family strong?
Will they make it on their own?
And we'll be standing when you're gone
And we'll be heard again
We missed our chance, but not for long
I know somehow we'll hold on
We'll be here when you're gone.
Then one day we realised they couldn't hear our voice
And it's so hard to understand
When it's caught up in this noise
But the ones that fight and die
Are the truth inside the lie
Now it's all built on our backs
And we struggle to survive)

I looked at him. I saw the terror in his eyes. I knew he understood me. He knew he couldn't stop me. I called Lanna. And I did it. I told her. I broke her. I'm evil. And I'm gone. In a few hours anyway :(

New message received
From: Vicki

Mum! Dennis gave Sharon the ring back! :crazy:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Now that you're home...

....are you alright? :huggles: 

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Now that you're home...

I don't know. I don't really know what I've done. I don't think I should have left at all :nooo: I miss him so much and Lanna's so upset. Maybe it's better I'm gone. It's their marriage after all. :knod:

It's just... Dennis gave me the ring back. He gave it back. Instead of saying goodbye. And I don't know what to think. I shouldn't have walked away. I should never have walked away. I hugged Lanna goodbye. She could have been so cold, she could have blamed me, but she didn't. She thanked me. She clung to me and she thanked me. For telling her. Why won't she blame me? Why won't she see it's my fault Dennis took a place in this bloody war in the first place? She thanked me... for breaking her heart. I guess it's only right mine should break at the same time.

She looked so hurt when she had to let go of Dennis' hand. I felt bad for taking it as he reached for mine. It wasn't my place. It could have been once, but it wasn't my place. He drew me away from all the people and couldn't say goodbye. He held me, he crushed me and I cried into his shoulder. What if I never feel him that close again Chelle? What do I do then? :crie:

He didn't say anything, just pushed my hair back where it had become stuck to my face with my tears. I know he was disappointed in me - I'd promised him I wouldn't cry.

He took my hand, flattened it out. Took him about ten seconds I was shaking so much. I felt so pathetic. Compared to me then, Dennis was strong.

He reached in his pocket. Took out the ring. I tried to pull away, I didn't wanna know... but I... I'm so weak :crie: Dennis shook his head and said: "I know what you want Sharon. You want the future. And bloody hell, so do I. But just in case the past's all I've got... I did mean it. I did."

And suddenly this bit of pink plastic is once again one of the most important things in my entire messed up life.

I held it in my fist... I held him in my arms. And I said it. The one thing he hasn't heard me say since he last put this thing in my hand.

"I love you."

But it didn't faze him. At all. He truly needed to hear it. Oh things could have been so much easier if I'd said it, meant it sooner.

"I love you too. I always did."

And I stepped back. I knew I had to get away before I started sobbing. I held onto his hand until the last moment. 

But it dropped away and that was it. I walked, my legs like they were never gonna hold me up, He doesn't know I stopped. He doesn't know I turned round and watched him sobbing in his wife's arms. Over me. :crie:

Please Chelle, please tell me that wasn't the last goodbye. Tell me Gina saw Tommy again :nooo:

New message received 
From: Sharon

Good luck Tommy :wub:

We'll make it darlin' :knod: Believe me.

Love, Gina

xxx

(Be strong Dennis. We love you :huggles:)

New message received 
From: Lanna

He's gone, Trine. :crie: Another three months without him! This isn't fair... we haven't even been married a week! :angry: Why does this war hate us so much?

Surface Mail
Delivered to
Corpral Dennis Rickman

Senders:
Daniel & Sophia Beckworth
75, The Halgrove
Killarney
County Kerry
Ireland

Dear Dennis,

We realise that hearing from two complete strangers during your duty may come as perhaps, an unwelcome surprise. No doubt you were hoping to hear more from your family. We hope they keep well.

Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are Daniel & Sophia Beckworth and we hope very much that you might recognise our name. Our son Will trained with you as a private in the summer of 2005. He spoke very highly of you and we understand that you remained good friends throughout your seperate deployments. Some of your letters have been returned to us and they have made us smile at a very difficult time. We'd like to thank you - because we know our son would too.

But he cannot. Dennis, we're writing to let you know, along with all of Will's other friends from the services, that our brave and darling boy was killed on the 14th June 2006 in Kuwait. He was caught up in car-bomb explosion, intended to devestate a local hospital. Will refused to leave the civilians to such a dreadful fate and went into the flames and emerged with many; men, women and children.  He gave his life to the crumbling building, to save the life of one last child.  We are immensely proud of his selflessness and his bravery, but it was not to be that we might tell him as much.

It is time for our family to say goodbye, and we feel strongly that you should be with us. From the content of your letters, we have no doubt this is what our Will would have wanted. And it will give us chance to return the letters to your hands. We have included the relevant details on the back of this paper.

We are very grateful for your part in our lad's life Dennis and in any circumstance, we would very much like to meet you.

We are so very sorry to bring you this news. But we too never wished to receive it.

Best wishes,

Daniel & Sophia 

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Will Beckworth

Sharon, have you had anything through the door from Dennis this morning? :unsure:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Will Beckworth

Yes :crie: Poor Dennis. He sounded so... broken. And after the way he felt when he went back out there, it really can't have helped. Isn't there anything any of us can do? :unsure:

I hope you're holding up Lanna :huggles:

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Will Beckworth

Not really :nooo: But only because I know he's not. :crie: He always used to be honest about what his duty was like when he wrote me letters. He knew he could cos he knew I'd seen it. Well, Will was bigger than me. Will was out on the front line too. He knew it all, just like Dennis. he lived it too. They held each other together, right from the beginning. They'd be honest with each other, really honest and I think we all know that's more than he could bear to do when he wrote to all of us. He wanted to protect you and Vicki because he loves you and he's never really wanted me to know what has to go on to have all these men, all these soldiers come to me, cut open and bleeding like pieces of meat. They're seperate worlds. And for Dennis, it must be like he's just lost his brother. I'm frightened Sharon, I'm frightened what he'll be like out there if he thinks there's no-one left to understand his world. I don't want him to be alone :crie: 

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Will Beckworth

Oh Lanna! :huggles: Dennis is never going to be on his own. He's got you, and he has me, Vicki, Chrissie and Dot. It'll be alright :knod: He said he was trying to get compassionate leave didn't he? He won't be alone then will he?

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Will Beckworth

Yes he will! Oh Sharon, I don't know how to tell him, not now. I'm being sent to update my training. I've been *promised* (:angry:) a new post before the end of the summer - like I actually want the fuckin' thing. And the sadistic bastards have to send me that week. I'm not going to be able to make the funeral even if he does get leave! I'm a fuckin' awful wife :crie:

New message received
From: Dennis

God, this place don't change much does it? Still as depressing as ever :rolleyes:

New message received
From: Sharon

Dennis? Darlin', how the hell are you sending me texts... where are you? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

Heathrow. 3 days compassionate :yep: inclusive of actually burying Will - callous fuckwits <_<

New message received
From: Sharon

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry about Will :huggles: Are you alright?

New message received
From: Dennis

Well I'm doing better than Will aren't I? :knod: Look Sharon, I know I'm asking a lot, but since I can't have my own bloody wife with me right now, will you come with me? :unsure:

New message received
From: Sharon

You want me to come to Will's funeral? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

:knod: Please. I don't know how to do this on my own. :nooo:

New message received
From: Sharon

You never have to be alone Dennis, OK? :nono: Never :huggles: Just don't move yeah? Give me a couple of hours to throw some stuff in a bag and get down to you. Keep your phone on :knod: I'll need you to hurry me up :wub:

Vicki & Chrissie,

Dennis got hold of me today. He's gotten compassionate leave to go to Will's funeral. He's at Heathrow as I write this. He's asked me to go to Ireland with him. I know it's Lanna he really needs right now, but there's nothing either of them can do about that, and I wasn't about to say no - not when he needs someone there with him so badly.

I really don't know if there's gonna be enough time for you both to see him before he goes back to Baghdad. Poor darlin' only has three days. But I'll give him your love and I'll try to e-mail you or something to let you know how he's holding up. Just don't expect any miracles.

Love you both, look after yourselves and I'll see you on Tuesday

Sharon
xxxx

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Dennis at the funeral

I don't know if you knew this Lanna, but I went up with Dennis to Killarney on Friday. I hope you don't mind :unsure: It's just... he text me from Heathrow that morning. I know it's you he really wanted, and I know how much you wanted to be there for him, so I just hope I did a good enough job for the both of us. We were both thinking of you :knod: I know this sounds awful, but I'd have given anything to see him after the panic we all suffered when he went to Baghdad. So I suppose it's poor Will I've got to thank for proving to me that Dennis is still alive.

He was so amazingly strong through the whole thing Lanna, you'd have been so proud of him. Will's father shook his hand like he'd met an old friend, Will's mother hugged him and returned Will's letters. He looked around and you could see in his face how amazed he was to see people here that he remembered. In fact, it looks as though Will's the only one they've lost from the training base in this whole year. In some quiet way, they're quite proud of themselves. They're all so strong :wub:

So don't worry. Everything's fine :knod:

New message received
From: Dennis

I love you, Lan :wub: I love you and I miss you so much xxx

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk;ChrissieW0368@tiscali.co.uk
Subject: Dennis at the funeral

Hey guys :wub:

Dennis sends his love right back :wub: He misses you both. But he held strong today, he really did :knod: He met Will's parents, and they were so glad to see him. They gave back Will's letters, so at least Dennis knows now that Will's never completely gone :crie: He met so many others he and Will had known. He looked so grateful to see them all there with breath in their bodies. Dennis is never gonna be alone girls :wub: I saw that today :knod:

He has :crie: - guess there's no way we could expect him not to :nooo: but I was there. He let me in and maybe, maybe it was all OK. I don't know. After all, his flight back out to Baghdad is tomorrow. So much for Sunday being the day of rest <_< Still, there's just seven weeks til we know he's safe for six months. We'll just have to be strong and keep on praying :knod:

Anyway, I'll be back on Tuesday at some point - I was thinking I might go call on Tom's mum on Monday :knod:

Love you both :huggles:

New message received
From: Lanna

:wub:

I love you too!

I'm sorry I couldn't there for you baby :crie: :huggles: I just thank God for Sharon :knod:

From: ChelF69@msn.com 
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: The funeral?

Sharon? Vicki's told me she's just had a message from you saying how the funeral went... I was wondering why I haven't. Babe, is everything OK? :unsure: :huggles:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Oh God, oh God, oh GOD!

:nooo: It's not. Oh Chelle, what have I done? :crie:

You're right, I've sent e-mails to everyone else, Lanna, Vicki, Chrissie. And I've lied in each one. Dennis isn't OK :nooo: And I've made it so much worse!

From: ChelF69@msn.com 
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Oh God, oh God, oh GOD!

:huh: Sharon, what could you possibly have done? Dennis asked you to be there, you've been supporting him Look, just calm down OK, and tell me about the funeral :huggles:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Oh God, oh God, oh GOD!

Well... OK... :unsure:

He met Will's parents as soon as we arrived at the church. That's true :knod: Will's dad shook Dennis' hand like he was some hero. That's true :knod: But Dennis shook. He was really tremoring. He hated being treated like he was something special. Will's mum hugged him like he was her own and then she pressed the bundle of Will's letters back into Dennis' hand. He just looked at them. His face was so blank.

We stood in a pew, and he was just looking at this bundle. His eyes were scanning the top letter and Chelle, oh he wanted so much to smile. But then it was as if he was remembering all over again he wasn't going to see or hear from Will again and he scrunched it up, forced them all into my hands like he couldn't bear to look at them anymore. It was horrible. For Will's sake, I tried to get the creases out because I know he didn't really mean it. He didn't :nooo:

He was looking round and then I realised, the sombre looking men coming down towards us were men Dennis and Will had known. Men from the training base. Men that lived while Will was gone. And somehow, there was relief between all of them.

But for me, it was so awkward. They thought I was Lanna, stood there, with Will's letters held so protectively in one hand as I held Dennis' hand with the other. And he didn't say anything to correct them. So all I got all morning was "You must be Dennis' wife, great to meet you-" What the hell was I supposed to say, Chelle? :confused2:

When they brought the coffin in, oh.... he bit into his lip so hard, he was wiping blood from it. He just didn't want to let himself cry. We sat, we listened and he just couldn't stop shaking as he held my hand. When Will's older brother stood up to deliver the eulogy, he broke. Euan was up there, tears in his own eyes, saying how brave his little brother was, what a determination he had to win this war, always believing that one day he would do it, even if some nights, he was missing his mum's chocolate brownies so much that he would cry himself to sleep. Will was just 25, Chelle, did you know that? :unsure: Because I didn't before today. Why should someone so young ever have to die like that?

I think that's what got Dennis. Because he got up and walked out :crie: Couple of his friends tried to get up and comfort him, but he just shrugged them off, leaving them all to turn to me in desperation. The worst thing was Will's mum turning round and realising what was going on - and giving me such a sad smile, understanding my wordless apology as I came out of the pew. I tried to be dignified, but I ran - they could all hear me. What choice did I have though? I needed to find Dennis.

He was pacing outside the church. Really pacing and getting so wound up with it. And he was crying... no way he coulda hidden it. He didn't see me, started punching the wall. Really viciously. I was frightened. I'll admit that much.

"Dennis! Dennis, stop!"

I had to case his hands to make him stop and bloody hell, I was begging him. And I could see, trails of his blood sinking into the stone of this church. It was horrible, just standing there, watching his hand bleed, trying to tell him it was OK :nooo:

"But it's not is it? This was supposed to happen to me, not Will! I knew... I told you I knew.... but I meant me! Not him! You heard his brother, Will was one of those that thought we'd win! Yeah, he was scared shitless most of the time and he missed his family til he was ill, but he really believed in it! And look what it's done to him, will ya? He's dead - and we haven't won have we? Here's me, with absolutely no faith at all and I'm still breathing! Why Sharon, why? I wished it on him, didn't I? So sure it was gonna be me this time, but no... I've just killed my mate and I-"

And how do you scold a broken man like a child? How do you dare? 

I did. I dared.

"Listen to me Dennis, it's not your fault! Did you start this war? Did you ask for guys like Will to sign up? No! Darlin', you can't change what he believed in, and he'd never have wanted you to!"

Then he just stopped. Like he went heavy as he cried. Will's mum actually came from the service to make sure he was OK. He felt so awful.

The wake seemed to be OK. Will's parents had wanted it to be a celebration and Dennis sat with his friends, remembering Will. It was nice. They laughed a lot :wub: Doesn't seem like it's all doom and gloom being a soldier - these guys really matter to one another.

But... it came back. When it was just me and Dennis at the hotel, all that misery and all that darkness. It was hard to watch. He was drinking himself stupid, coming apart right in front of me. :crie: And I just wanted to bring him back together, I wanted him to realise he was still important, to Will, to his friends, and even to the war. But he wouldn't believe me. Wouldn't say a word as I forced his never-empty glass from his hand and held his head steady in my hands, leaving him no choice but to look at me. I told him how much he mattered to everyone at home and then... then I told him how much he mattered to me.

And that something that became nothing that's obviously still something? Screwed everything up. :nooo: I kissed him Chelle. Not like a sister, not even like a friend. I kissed his mouth like I used to. And he let me. What kind of twisted comfort is that?

I wanted him too much, too much to let it happen. I'm awful Chelle. I took advantage of a grieving man, a man I'm supposed to care about - a married man.

So I did what I always do. I got up and I ran away. Maybe Dennis is stronger than I credited him. Because after about ten minutes, he came into my room. Didn't say anything. Just stood there looking at me. And it wasn't as though he was waiting for me to admit my guilt, but I would have done, because it was so definitely there.

"Call your wife Dennis." I told him. "Remind her why you married her."

Bloody hell Chelle, what kind of monster am I? :angry:

Time: 01:21 
Day: Sunday 16th
Month: July
Year: 2006

You know what Will, mate? I could really do with talking to you right now. I mean, really. What's the last you knew of me eh? Tying the knot with "that nurse", that was it, weren't it? I thought I was happy with Lanna, Will, I really did. I mean, thanks for listening to me go on about Sharon and that, but I was OK right? Kinda on the way to be over her? That's what you said. Which is a lot kinder than a lot of the stuff you coulda said. I don't understand how you weren't like everyone else I've ever spoken to about it, wanting how the hell, why the hell I fell for my own sister. But I guess it's like you said innit? Great fuckin' cliché that is - all is fair in love and war.

Except it ain't, cos you're not here are ya? This bastard war's snuffed you out cos you had to go and be noble when I was still gonna need you on the other side of it! That's if... it ever ended. Some days, I'm not so sure. I guess I'm pretty lucky. I've been home a fair bit, but it's a double edged sword. Because I go home and I don't wanna leave. 

It's horrible. Especially since I'm not sure where home is anymore. It should be where Lanna is right? Except she's like us, never in one place, always out wanting to save lives. Marriage isn't supposed to work like this, is it? It's meant to be a house in the suburbs, picket fences and a dog. But I don't want that. I don't know what I want anymore. I love Lanna, I do. But.... you went and died didn't you - bastard hero.

Lanna's back training. Updating for her next post. And I didn't wanna come up here on my own. So what did I do? Asked Sharon to come with me. Sharon! I'm such an idiot - and it's your fault Will, you know that? You've wound me up something rotten. I've cried for you. And she's watched me. Do you remember what happens when you're vulnerable, mate? Besides the crying and drinking still you're pissing clear?

Well, I'll tell ya. Sharon kissed me. Really. Like there'd be no Den, no Zoe, no war, no Lanna, no wedding. Like it still us. Like there was still an us. Course, she was the one that came to her senses and legged it. And I didn't want her to. I'm married for fuck's sake. Pissed out my head cos of you, and the clearest thing was her kissing me. Like she was trying to make it better. And she did. I forgot everything. Everything was OK. But then she stopped. And I knew what I'd done.

Thing is, what do I do now? I go back to Baghdad today. And I was so sure that I'd be you, that I'd be the one that didn't come home. What if I don't? This time. How do I leave Sharon knowing that I was weak enough to kiss her back, to mean it? It's playground politics I know, but there's no-one left to understand, Will. What have I done to my wife? And why does it matter more what I've done to Sharon?

New voicemail message received
From: Dennis

"Heya darlin'. You're busy right? Well, I'm at the terminal and I just wanted to tell ya... that I love you. I love you so much. I do. I had a bit of a night of it, but if Will's shown me anything then it's that I wanna come home. Cos I miss you. And there's never enough time. I'm so proud of you, Lan. You're amazing. And I'll be home before you know it."  

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: The latest goodbye

Was bloody hard. Cos it was just too weird. Two months and he'd come home again, yeah? But where the hell's home? Where does Lanna call home? And if they're both fighting wars that are endless, how are they ever gonna have a future together? Jesus, I sound jealous. I sound like I'm like I'm wishing it on them. It was their decision to marry, wasn't it... they knew what it would be like.

But it was never mine and Dennis' decision to split. It was Dad's, it was lies. And Dennis has been out fighting this war, just trying to forget we were never finished. And somehow, we've gotten closer being further apart... does that make sense? Because I know I could lose him at any minute. Friends was better than nothing. But the past doesn't go away. It catches up with you in misery and hurt like today and it strangles every last emotion out of you. Until that was all I was left with. Loving him, loving him so much it literally hurt. And I can't tell him because he's not mine. He'll write me letters, he'll care if I'm not happy. But in the end, he'll go home to his wife.

He'll live through this war. And you know how I know that? Because I kissed him yesterday... he kissed me. Something was there. Something that matters. But I've lost him anyway. Because he doesn't belong to me anymore. We both know it. We didn't need to mention it. He thanked me for my support. We just hugged. Like a brother and a sister. :crie:

But there's still this little bit of pink plastic in my pocket.

And I'm gonna spend forever watching him... with his wife.

Why did I make it be this way Chelle? :nooo:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The latest goodbye

Sharon, sweetheart, enough of all this self-torture OK? :huggles: I know how you feel about him but time's past. You know there's nothing you can do. What you did on Saturday night was right :knod: No matter what Dennis feels for you in return, he made his choice in marrying Lanna. You know that really, that's why you backed off. It doesn't mean you have to care for him any less, you just can't let it be in that way. Not anymore. You kissed him because you wanted to comfort him. He kissed you because he needed comforting. But there's nothing in it because you're right - he's going to go back to Lanna :knod:

I'm so sorry darlin'. Don't try and hide from him OK? Don't ignore his letters or his calls, especially not when he makes it home from Baghdad. Because he's a lucky man. Appreciate him, enjoy being with him - just remember your limitations. You might not be able to be brother and sister anymore, but stick at friends, best friends. Like you say, it's so much better than nothing.

You need to move on. Run your club, smile and meet new people. Don't try and force anything just to drive Dennis from your head because you'll only regret it some way down the line. But if something happens that you want then, Sharon, bloody well go for it; I'll be cheering you from all the way across the Atlantic.

Never forget I'm here when you need me :huggles:

I promise you, this will get better :wub:

Sharon,

You've over-ordered on the mixers again this month. I just wanted to let you know I've sorted it, sent the excess back to the suppliers. They reckon they'll have re-credited the business account by early next week. I hope that's OK.

Are you OK? Your sister says you've had a rough time of it recently... went to see your fiancé's mother after that funeral? Must have brought a few things back. How was she though.... Bridget?

I know I'm just bar-staff and that, but I'm always here if you need to bend someone's ear.

Look after yourself

Matt

07709583419

Message sent
To: 07709583419

I got your note when I opened the club this morning. Thanks Matt, I really appreciate it. Guess I should pay more attention to my staff (and my order sheets :rolleyes:) in future. 

Sharon xxx

Message sent
To: Sharon

Honestly, don't worry about it :nono: I felt like a bit of a shit pointing it out, but really I wanted an excuse to make sure you were OK!

Message sent
To: Matt

Am I really that obvious? :rolleyes:

Message sent
To: Sharon

It's not about being obvious Sharon. You've been through Hell by all accounts. Vicki says you took it really hard when Dennis was first posted.

Message sent
To: Matt

Christ, you really have been talking to Vicki haven't you?

Message sent
To: Sharon

I'm not meaning to pry. Look, I'll leave off...

Message sent
To: Matt

:nono: There's no need, I'm not having a go. It's just weird talking about all this to someone outside the normal circles you know? :unsure: Guess Vicki felt it was easier too :knod:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Well look, why don't we meet up sometime? We can talk it over if you want. And if not :confused2: then we'll just go over your next order sheet! :P

Message sent
To: Matt

:lol: It's date!

Mrs Dorothy Branning
25 Albert Square
Walford
E20
United Kingdom

Hey Dot,

Please don't be freaked out when this lands on the mat yeah? I guess you could say there's no need for me to write it, for you to suffer it, but out here, oh God, you can never be too sure. Cos I'm still scared y'know. Some days, I think God, there's just a few weeks til I'm home, away from everything for six whole months. Then there comes that thought again. That I might not make it through one more day out here. We're not a welcome force, and I'd just be another body. We have to be honest about it Dot, if it can happen to Will then bloody hell, I'm still fair game. Neither war or your God discriminate.

I don't want to die. I don't. I don't even wanna look on it as a possibility. But I can't be so blind anymore Dot. Cos it happens to us all don't it, takes us away to that next plane, whatever. And I was stupid enough to let myself live in this kinda danger. I know I'm lucky to be alive, but there are some out here that think I'd be just as lucky to die. And in all honesty, for as long as I'm out here, it's just a question of why.

I wish I could get over myself, put the pen down, but I need to say this. And you're the one I think that would be most willing to at least try and understand. I need to say what I want said if I don't come home.

I want you to know that your faith isn't wrong. If I go, then I went because I was an idiot in life and a deserving soul in passing. I wasn't broken, looking for my reprieve. I'm just an idiot that ran away to war. Don't blame God. You love the guy. Don't ever give up. And don't ever forget what you meant to me. You're the mother I wish I coulda had thirty years ago.

I want Lanna to take my wedding ring. I never want her to wear it. I don't even want her to keep it. Tell her to bury it, to throw it off a cliff, into the sea, whatever. I want her to know that I knew she loved me, but I never wanted to be her life. Tell her to remember me, tell her to remember that as the guy that sits here, loving and missing her with every wasted breath, that I want her to move on. She deserves to be happy. I don't really think I could ever have honestly managed that with this kinda life.

Let Chrissie know I appreciate everything she's done for the family. She was great, she was a friend. And a success which is more than I could ever hope to be, even if I do come home. But if I don't, tell her I want her to always be there for the girls, to hold 'em strong.

Tell Vicki she was the greatest little sister I could ever have hoped for. I'll love her always, but I won't watch her cry. None of you should ever waste your tears on me. Let her know I've always had every faith in her, even if I could never believe in anything else. I always believed in my little sister and I know she'll always be the best at whatever she chooses. Tell her to never let go of her dreams. I wish I coulda had a few more of them. I only want her to be happy. She never needs to be afraid, she just needs to go for it.

I don't know how to start on Sharon. I love her now, I'll love her always, in every kind of messed up way she could think of. I don't know if that's much consolation, but I owe her so much. She taught me what it was really like to be a person. Shame she never got started on my cowardice, or maybe I'd never have let her go, be sat here, seriously imagining the world after me. I was never that significant, so maybe that sounds conceited but... Sharon made me something. I don't blame her. I know I've said some awful things, but she needs to know that she didn't push me out to this war. I was hurt, yes, but I jumped. It's my own fault. Besides, maybe it's not that bad. Being apart from her has taught me how to appreciate her. And I will. To the last. Whenever that is. Least we gave it a shot. I won't die cold. Because I know what it means to love. And to lose. But now we're back to love and war. And if she ever has to know any of this, then it pretty much means that Tommy couldn't hold on. Not even for Gina. She'll understand. She'll know that I'm sorry. Just, please, remind her I meant it.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Last night @ Matt's

Yes, we did! Do you have a problem with that? :lol: Honestly Chelle, it ain't half perverse my best friend wanting to know every detail of my sex life. Can't we keep anything back?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Last night @ Matt's

Er.... no :lick:

Now tell me everything!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Last night @ Matt's

:rolleyes: Thought not :lol: 

You're getting nada out of me girl :shakehead: except...

...he was bloody amazing! :crazy: :wub:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Last night @ Matt's

:O :O :O

Sharon, you've been seeing the guy for a fortnight, you finally stay over and that's all I get? :rolleyes: What kind of best friend are you? I demand details!

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Ooh I say... is that what's supposed to happen? Sharon? Sharon, dear, are you there? It's Dorothy here. I don't like breaking his confidence like this, the Good Lord forgive me, but I've had a letter from young Dennis I really think you ought to take a look at..."

New voicemail message received
From: Sharon

"Matt, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to cry off tonight. It's all... oh God, I don't know. I've had Dot on the phone and... Dennis has written to her and... what's wrong with the idiot? He's only got two weeks left, why is he... oh look, it doesn't matter. I'll see you in the club tomorrow yeah?"

Ringing...
Sharon

"It does matter."

"Hello Matt." came the soft and almost relieved reply.

"What's he said Sharon? What's Dennis said?"

Sharon laughed bitterly, her mobile pressed to her ear with one hand and cradling a large glass of wine in the other. She swirled the ruby coloured liquid around as she admired its glint most miserably. "Everything he's been needing to say for about a year by the sounds of it. He was saying goodbye, Matt."

"Goodbye? What d'you mean, he gets out of there the week after next doesn't he?"

"Yeah. But he's still talking like it's only a question of if he gets out of there. He's convinced he's gonna die. Convinced."

"Well, it's gotta be hard, specially after what happened with Will..."

"Yeah." Sharon sniffled, painfully aware tears were burning in her eyes. "I didn't help." she confessed, not really meaning to be heard by anyone. "I've never helped."

"You've been holding him together Sharon!"

"He's got a wife for all that Matt."

"Oh, will you just stop it? So Dennis got married, big wow, does that mean no-one else is meant to mean a thing to him?"

"Not me."

"Why? Cos you've got history? Well, so fuckin' what Sharon? It's done yeah? Part of you both, you can't change that and to be honest, I don't think either of you would want to. Would you?"

Sharon sighed. "I can't tell you that."

"I understand the concept of a past Sharon. I've got one too. I understand yeah? I understand what Dennis means to you, what this war's done to you. Just cos we might have started something... I ain't asking you to stop feeling."

"That's what Lanna said to me before her wedding. Why does everyone have to be so nice about it? Why can't someone just say how disgusting it is, that we should just forget it, like they used to? I can't handle it all being OK"

"Well, it's not is it. Not if he's coming out with stuff like that."

"I wish I could talk to him." Sharon said weakly. "I wish I could talk to him like I talk to you. And instead all I can do is write him a letter and tell him that Dot showed me his. Why would she do that Matt?" There was a sad and heavy pause. "She believes the same as him doesn't she? Even Dot thinks he'll-"

"No!" Matt cut in, not wanting to hear Sharon's words because he knew how much it would pain her to have such realisation hit.

"Well, why else would she show me his letter?" Sharon demanded in a desperate wail. "Why didn't I get one too?"

"I don't know darlin'... I just don't know."

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Dennis

Lanna darlin', please just answer me one thing. Honestly. Do you believe Dennis will come home? :unsure:

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Dennis

I should bloody well hope so! :knod:

Sharon, are you alright? :huggles: You've got me worried for you now. Has something happened?
________________________________________________
[url=http://www.tickercentral.com][img]http://www.tickercentral.com/view/2j5g/5.png[/img][/url]

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Dennis & Lanna....

....are trying for a baby  :mellow:

ChelF69@msn.com has just signed in.

CHELLE: How can they be trying for a baby?
SHARON: Do I look like I know? :huh: She had this ticker thing. Like however many days it is til she's gonna do a pregnancy test or something :confused2:
CHELLE: But... hang on. How can she be checking this month?
SHARON: What?
CHELLE: Well, think about it. She's not already pregnant is she? :unsure:
SHARON: :nono: It said... til we find out.
CHELLE: Well, there's no way she could have gotten pregnant this past month is there? Dennis has been in Baghdad!
SHARON: Oh my God...

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com may not reply because his or her status is set to On the Phone

Ringing...
Lanna

"Sharon?"

"Lanna! Sorry for the e-mails tailing off darlin', it's just... I got a call."

"It's alright." Lanna returned softly. "As long as you're OK. You're really worrying about Dennis now aren't you?"

"No." Sharon lied, somehow sounding convincing to her own ears. "No, it's alright. He'll be back in Toronto before we know it, won't he? Least I'll know where to find him."

"Yeah. And I'll be here too, you know that right?"

"Course I do. But you're hoping it's gonna be more than just the two of you aren't you?"

Lanna giggled nervously. "Yeah. Yeah, we are."

Sharon winced to herself. "The thing is Lanna... how can you be pregnant? I mean, yet? You haven't seen Dennis since... your wedding practically, and unless you're three months gone already..."

"What d'you mean, haven't seen him? I have. I saw him the Monday after Will's funeral."

Sharon's mind was buzzing uncomfortably. "What? But... you can't have. He... He only had three days. When we said goodbye at the airport... he was going back to Baghdad-"

"You've been misinformed somewhere Sharon." Lanna told her simply. "Dennis called his Sergeant, got given a two day extension, if only cos the poor guy hates being woken up on Sunday mornings! Dennis flew out to me on the Sunday. Believe me, there's every chance I might be pregnant."

Message sent
To: Chelle

I feel sick. The bastard lied to me Chelle :angry:

Message sent
To: Sharon

I take it we're talking Dennis here? What's he done? :unsure: :huggles:

Message sent
To: Chelle

The morning after the funeral... the morning after we kissed? Dennis got an extension on his leave, flew home to Canada and knocked little wifey up <_< and I thought he was going back to that Hell! :angry: I hope he burns!

New message received
From: Trine

In the absence of your hero of a husband, today's the day isn't it babe? You gonna put me out my misery or what? What did you see in the pee? :P

New voicemail message received
From: Vicki

"She still won't even talk about it Mum and I've been trying all week, you know I have. I can't fly out there on my own, it'd tear Dennis to pieces you know it would. So does she, why is she being like this? Are you planning to tell me what's been going on long before Dennis gets back, because I've still gotta convince her to come with me! Oh, it doesn't matter! Here I go, off to try again. Helping me out a little wouldn't kill ya would it?"

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Toronto next week

Sharon, won't you at least think about it? :unsure: Vicki's going mental and I don't know what I'm supposed to say to her, much besides the truth anyway. :confused2:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Toronto next week

I still don't want to go and why the bloody hell should I? I said goodbye to the Dennis I was supposed to know in that bloody airport, and even then he was a liar. A weak-willed, pathetic little liar! I never thought I'd see him again Chelle. I really believed he might die, that he was scared - that I'd lose him forever - and all the while, he's just thinking about crawling into bed with Lanna just to to forget that I was ever... anything to him :crie: He kissed me too y'know! I'm not trying to wreck a marriage here, I was just trying... to bring back the Dennis I knew. But maybe I never knew him at all eh? <_<

Now that I know I'll see him again, I don't want to. I hope he and his twelve kids have a nice life, I really do, but I don't want any part of it.

Message sent 
To: Matt

Please darlin', tell me what the hell I'm meant to do :confused2: :crie:

Message sent 
To: Sharon

Dry your eyes for one :huggles: Look Sharon, you know you can't avoid this. I know it must kill right now, but you have to get past it. You're part of Dennis' life whatever happens and he'll need to see you :knod: Would it help if I offered to come over with you? :unsure:

Message sent 
To: Matt

Yes! Oh Matt, thank you! :huggles: I'm so glad I've got you :wub: xxx

From: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk 
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Mayday!

Right, OK, so Sharon's decided she's gonna come to Toronto at last :knod: - and she's bringing Matt with her for "moral support" :mellow:

Mum, HELP!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: When Dennis Met Matt

Yeah, not likely to be a box-office smash, I know. But oh, it was good. Almost laughed. Lanna was so pleased to meet Matt it was almost cringeworthy, like she was glad to see the last of her competition. She's definitely welcome to her bastard husband <_< It just so happens that I was desperate for the loo when Dennis' flight landed :halo: so when I made it back (airports are big places!) he was just being introduced to Matt. Vicki's still not talking to me for making it be her, but it's a small sacrifice. She'll be over herself when she next needs some cash.

Matt, the sweetheart :wub: took it all in his stride. He even made it sound like he was pleased to meet him. It was Dennis that couldn't handle it. Looked about as pleased to see me as I was to see him then. Just like always, we said nothing as we hugged. But it was because it was cold, it was awkward - it was brilliant.

We haven't really spoken all day, and that suits me fine :knod: - he'd only lie anyway <_< I don't know whether he's trying to make a point, but he's been all over Lanna. I bet it's even making her uncomfortable. But I'm past caring. I'm above all this now.

Still, a couple of moments on my own, contemplating how much I hate the bastard's allowed right? I'm gonna go sit on the steps of the verandah, try and sort my head out - it's not like I know what I'm doing here.

Message sent 
To: Vicki

Vicki, Sharon's just e-mailed me. She doesn't sound right. I'm worried about her! How's it going over there, are her and Dennis talking at all? :unsure:

Message sent 
To: Mum

Not really :nooo: She's outside. He's just made her a coffee though so let's hope so eh? :confused2:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Latest... before I go crazy!

Dennis came out. I knew it was him, cos I went cold. He sat down next to me and handed me a coffee. I don't know why I took it. I mean, yeah, it tastes good, but it's the principle. Guess I can't have any of them left either.

God knows why he thought it was OK to cut off the silence, why he had to come out with what he did. Idiot. But then I thought, maybe he doesn't know that I know what a spineless, two-faced shit he is. Maybe he's been suctioned onto Lanna's face for so long, she hasn't even managed to tell him that I know.

But anyway, he just says; "Matt seems alright."

"Oh well, I'm so glad you approve."

"Been seeing him long?"

"About a month. Yeah, I'm expecting a proposal anyday."

He just gave me this really tight smile that proved he didn't find it funny before he started sipping his coffee. Welcome to my life, you shit.

"You look good Sharon."

Argh! Idiot!

"So do you." I said, forcing myself to smile. "For a dead man."

He just gave me this look, like I was the alien one, like I needed working out.

"Wow. Anyone would think you weren't glad I came home alive."

"Oh shut up, you conceited arse! You're nothing to do with me!"

"Yeah well-" he muttered, looking out across the garden. "-we figured that one a while ago didn't we?"

"You might have done. But according to your wife, I was misinformed. Turns out she was right."

"Seriously, what the bloody hell are you going on about?"

How can he be so... argh! :angry: I couldn't stand being near him Chelle, got right up, wanting to get as far away as possible. He just left his coffee on the verandah and got up too, trying to stop me, thinking it was alright to touch me.

"Sharon, what's wrong with you?"

I flipped Chelle, Jesus Christ, I couldn't help it :crie: He makes me so bloody angry. I turned around and I hit him. Hard. Just like I should have done when he started on me the night of the wedding. I caught him across the face with the rings on my fingers. I cut him. I made him bleed. And I didn't give a fuck.

"Wrong? Wrong? Where the fuckin' hell do you want me to start Dennis eh? You bastard! Do you even care what you've been putting me through?"

"Oh yeah-" he scoffed, dabbing at the cut with his fingertips. "-s'all about you innit Sharon? Never mind me, never mind what I've been put through this past year eh?"

"That was your own choice!" I screamed. I started to cough. I couldn't handle so much emotion when there'd been nothing for so damn long. I turned away and tried to breathe, but it was like every one of the bastards was tearing me open. I left my coffee on the fence, whatever the fucking hell you wanna call it, and I... I couldn't stop the tears coming. But I went over to him, shaking so much I thought I was gonna have to make a run for a corner of the garden to be sick. 

Even more so when I touched him.

"I thought I was going to lose you! I'd done it too many times before and I really believed you might die! I believed it because I thought you did. Everything... Will's funeral - I thought you were scared."

"I was."

But I shoved him away. He disgusts me. "Liar!" I spat. "You let me believe I might never see you again and what was really going on Dennis? Huh? There's me, in pieces thinking I'm sending you back out to some Hell and you... you were here, making babies!"

"No I wasn't."

"Just stop lying. Lanna told me you came back out here after the funeral. What was it Dennis? Feeling guilty cos I was stupid enough to go anywhere near you?"

"No."

"Well you should. She's pregnant for f*ck's sake, are you proud of yourself?"

But then he said it. He's given the perfect reason to get blind drunk. To hate myself, to hate him and maybe even to hate her.

"The test was negative Sharon, alright? Lanna's not pregnant."

I felt guilty then. Just for a second. But it went away quick enough. I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me. What's making me so callous?

Because I walked away. I went back to Matt and I forgot Dennis. I left him with one word.

"Good."

New message received
From: Lanna

I told him :crie: He was gutted Trine. Really distant. I feel awful, I just wanted some good news for him to come home to. What's wrong with me?

New message received
From: Trine

Oh babe, there's nothing wrong with you :huggles: Dennis will be OK, I swear and besides, he's home for six months, that should be plenty of time for the two of you to try again :lalala: :knod:

Lanna,

I came and I saw. That's it. He's here and he's fine. Now I want to go home. Look after yourself darlin', no-one else is gonna do it for you.

Sharon xxx

Message sent
To: Vicki

Didn't want to wake you darlin'. Just to say me & Matt are heading home this morning. We'll see you when you're ready to follow OK? Love you :huggles: xxx

New voicemail message received
From: Dennis

"Oh, smooth Sharon, really fuckin' smooth. What the bloody hell d'you think you're playing at? Lanna's going crazy over that fantastic note you left her, seems to think you've got it in for her, cheers for that! What's your problem for fuck's sake? Oh whatever, I heard enough last night y'know? Your problem's with me, whether we sort it or not OK? Leave my bloody wife out of it. And while we're at it, Vicki's wondering what she's done to deserve being abandoned on the other side of the world. I could just tell her her big sister's a self-absorbed, gutless little bitch, but y'know what? Give her time and I reckon she's gonna figure that herself."

New message received
From: 07709583419

I've had enough of this. Sharon just played me your voicemail Dennis, and y'know what? You are one pathetic excuse for a human being :angry: Vicki's a big girl, she'll be fine :knod: Have you ever thought that maybe Sharon just can't stand being around you anymore? If you want me to elaborate, then please - call. Matt

New message received
From: 07591729345

Great. Got the fuckin' staff in to fight her battles now eh? :rolleyes: With all due respect Matt - piss off. This is between me and Sharon.

New message received
From: Matt

Respect? :lol: Get bent mate, you don't know the first thing about it! <_< Have you ever actually stopped to think what you've done to her? All she's ever done is care about you and all she's gotten in return is lies. You don't deserve her.

New message received
From: Dennis

And you do I suppose? :rolleyes: Question Matt, what's your wage packet looked like since you've been jumping your boss?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: :angry:

You are so bloody low, I can't believe it! How fuckin' dare you talk to Matt like that! Who the bloody hell do you think you are?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: :angry:

Me? God, that's rich! <_< What the bloody hell did you think you were doing playing your fuckin' lap dog my messages?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: :angry:

I was letting Matt know what an egotistical prick you really are. And you know what he said? He said he didn't know what I ever saw in you. And y'know what? I don't either. I bloody pity your poor wife though. Have you even thought what you're going to do if and when she does get pregnant?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Have a baby

We'll have a baby :rolleyes: But then of course, you wouldn't know much about that would you?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: FW: Have a baby

:O :O :O

He said what?

Bastard! 

:huggles:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Have a baby

Cheap shot Dennis. Really. Almost Zoe Slater type cheap! :rolleyes:

Maybe we should look on it as someone up there having the sense to not let me have kids. After all, I always choose the worthless, using, pathetic, lying bastards of the world don't I? :knod:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Matt

Not holding out much hope for you and Matt then?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Lanna

Oh, I think me and Matt will do just fine thank you :knod: I mean, here's a new one for me Dennis - I'm sleeping with someone without a criminal record!

Not like your wife though eh? One of these days Dennis, she's gonna realise what you're really like and she's gonna regret she ever let you near her. We all do in the end! So I hope to God Lanna doesn't get pregnant. She's better than being saddled with your brat for the rest of her life - she deserves better.

What kind of parents are you going to make anyway? You think any child deserves to live in the fear that Daddy might not come home? If you actually go ahead and have a baby with Lanna, then you are so much more unbelievably selfish than even I thought you could be. A child needs stability, not being passed between warzones. This is possibly the worst idea you've had since... ever, and I thought me and you were pretty catastrophic!

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Happy Birthday!

37 Today! :party: :party: :party:

I hope Matt, Vicki and Chrissie spoil you rotten Sharon! Have the greatest day you possibly can! :huggles:
____________________________________________
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From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Happy Birthday!

Thanks Lanna :huggles: (I think :unsure: my actual age is still a very sore point! :lol:)

Best of luck for this month darlin' :wub:

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Happy Birthday!

Thanks :wub: I have a hideous feeling I'm gonna need it :(

Oh Sharon, this is so stupid. You and Dennis I mean. It's been nearly two months! What have I got to do to get you talking again?
____________________________________________
[URL=http://www.tickercentral.info][IMG]http://www.tickercentral.com/view/2j5g/5.png[/IMG][/URL]

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Go-between?

Has Dennis asked you to be the go-between Lanna? Because I somehow doubt even Dennis would have that kind of logic, or desire. He'd either be contacting me himself and grovelling or he's still mooching around your house like the pathetically proud arse that he is. And I'm suspecting the latter over here. :rolleyes: I know you mean well, but this is Dennis' gig, not yours :nono: He either apologises to me, or he has the guts (I know he doesn't <_<) to apologise to Matt himself. He was out of order and he knows it. I'm used to him going for the jugular with me, but he has no right to start on my relationship.

Thanks for the best wishes, I intend to have me a fab day :wub:

Message sent
To: Dennis

What have you been saying about Sharon & Matt? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Lan

Nothing that didn't need to be said <_<

Message sent
To: Dennis

What's going on in your head Dennis? Why won't you talk to me?

Message sent
To: Lan

Because it doesn't matter anymore.

Message sent
To: Dennis

Well it does to Sharon! Have you got some sort of problem with her & Matt? :unsure: Why can't you be happy for her like she was for us?

Message sent
To: Dennis

You're jealous aren't you?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Kick?

Tell me Sharon, do you get some sort of kick outta ruining marriages besides your own? <_<

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Kick?

Dennis, darlin', to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure? :rolleyes:

Y'know, I was wondering how long it'd be before you reared your miserable head again. May I remind you I'm trying to celebrate my birthday here? <_<

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Kick?

Oh, my apologies sweetheart. Only this is one domestic that's not gonna wait. What the bloody hell have you been saying to Lanna today? In fact, why are you even talking to Lanna?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Lanna

Because Dennis, although she was admittedly stupid enough to marry you, she's not so pathetic as to ignore me for months at a time. In fact, I'd almost go as far as to say we're friends, which is a damn sight more than I can say for you right now. For your information, she contacted me this morning, wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday :wub: So enlighten me, who's having the domestic and why? And... am I likely to laugh? :angelwings:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Lanna

God, you're pathetic! For one, I haven't been ignoring you.... you haven't been contacting. And y'know what? I'm grateful. Cos all you're doing is stirring it! 
<_< I never asked for a third input into my marriage Sharon, so I'd appreciate it if you'd just fuck off out OK?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Lanna

Oh Dennis :lol: I've abandoned Matt, a very large bed and a bottle of champagne to answer your e-mail darlin', cos I have to say I'm intrigued, least not by your sheer stupidity <_< Contrary to your suggestion (very unwelcome suggestion at that!) I have never been the third input into your marriage. You and your wife chose to let this war dictate to you. And I never had a say in that remember? It had nothing to do with me you said, you were doing something for you :rolleyes: Now I'd say this ruck you're having is also you doing something for you :knod:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Lanna

You reckon? <_< So you tell me Sharon, why does Lanna think I'm jealous of you screwing the barrel boy?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Jealous

Well... because you are aren't you? It's sweet Dennis, really :knod: but you're gonna have to excuse me. Matt's calling :lalala:

New message received
From: Lanna

Negative :crie:

New message received
From: Trine

Oh babe :huggles: There's always next month

New message received
From: Sharon

Oh Lanna darlin', I'm so sorry! :huggles: I'm always here yeah? :wub: Look after yourself!

New message received
From: Lanna

Dennis? Where are you darlin'?

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Dennis? Dennis, it's Lanna, do you remember me? Please, tell me where you are. I at least deserve to know where you are! It was today. I did it today and where were you? I did the soddin' pregnancy test all on my own! And I shouldn't have to Dennis, I shouldn't bloody have to, because you're not at war anymore. You're at home, you're safe. You're supposed to want me... and a baby, that's what you said, you said we were gonna be a family. But we're not anything, because you're not here! Do you even care? D'you even care that we're not having a baby? What's wrong with you? Your bloody ex-girlfriend's been more of a support than you and how twisted is that? Don't bother coming home tonight... that's if you remember where you live!"

Ringing...
Sharon

Missed calls: 16
From: Dennis (16)

New voicemail message received
From: Dennis

"You know what? I don't wanna be calling you. I wanna call Will. I've still got his number in my phone. Stared at it for so long. I've got my own body weight in vodka inside me and my hand's still shaking. I've rung him. I've listened to his voicemail message about forty times. Like he was really there. I almost left a message y'know, asking him to call me. But... he can't he? Because he's not. Really there. He's dead and I'm safe, but I'm still so scared. I didn't lie to you Sharon. I was scared. Then, now... and what if I am forever? There's no-one left, no-one left to understand, all these crazy thoughts just going round and round and I... I'm going crazy. Drink's doing nothing and I... I need Will. But I'm calling you. Please don't ignore me anymore. I need your help."

Message sent
To: Chelle

What am I supposed to do Chelle? I'm supposed to hate him, pity him even, but he's in pieces :crie:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Dennis right? :rolleyes: Sharon, you know I can't tell you what to do. You do what you need to. Just... don't let him play you OK?

Ringing...
Dennis

"Dennis? Dennis, it's me. It's Sharon. I'm here alright?"

Call connected

"You gonna yell at me?"

"Would it make any difference if I did?"

"No. I still deserve it though. I'm sorry."

"Oh stop it." Sharon said sharply. "We're never sorry Dennis, haven't you figured that yet? That's why we always end up like this. We like hurting each other."

She could almost see his miserable smile as a weak laugh came down the line. "I just want it to stop. All of it. I just want it stop going round."

"Alright, fine. So we call a truce. But that's it Dennis. Put down the phone and go home to your wife. Lanna needs you right now."

"But... what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say?"

"Whatever's in your head. You have to comfort her. Oh c'mon Dennis, I don't know."

"Well neither do I." he confessed heavily. "I dunno what I'm doing, I dunno how to make it work."

"Oh really? Cos it seemed to me this trying for a baby episode was your idea to make it work."

"Not happening though is it?"

"That's nothing to do with me is it?"

"Do you believe that?"

Sharon laughed dismissively as nerves writhed on the floor of her stomach. "What are you on about?"

"You know what." he returned softly, like he was afraid to have the words heard. "Us... after Will's funeral."

"That's what made you do it isn't it? Run home to Lanna saying you wanted a family, when it's pretty damn obvious you've never known what you wanted. It was because of me. Now you're running scared. You idiot Dennis! You were wasted, not unlike you are now by the sounds. I was upset for you - you'd just buried Will for fuck's sake, I wasn't trying to come between you and Lanna! It just... happened."

"I know." he sighed. Then there was a pause. "But what if I wanted it to? What if that's what I was running from?"

"Oh Jesus!" Sharon groaned as realisation crashed down upon her like a ton of bricks. "I am not having this conversation!"

Dennis almost sounded sympathetic. "Now who's running scared huh?"

Sharon giggled nervously in reply. "What do you want me to say Dennis? What?"

"I dunno. Maybe that... you don't hate me as much as you did this morning? I mean it Sharon, I dunno what I'm doing. Nothing makes sense anymore."

"That, is because you're off your head."

"Yeah. Yeah, maybe."

"You'll make it work Dennis, you will."

He blew out a disbelieving breath between his lips. "I don't know. You know I said I hated the war... well, I've changed my mind. That fight's all I've got left."

"Rubbish." Sharon scolded. "You've got Lanna, you've got your marriage."

"Yeah well... it's easy to love someone when you think you can never have 'em."

Sharon spoke more to herself in a haze of recollection as she murmured; "Mmmm. I remember that one."

She almost jumped in surprise as Dennis returned; "Me too. And I... I can't handle normal. I just can't do it."

"Yes you can. Now piss off home and let me call Lanna, so I can tell her you're still alive."

"Alright." he sniffled wearily. "Alright, I'll go. And Sharon?"

"Mmmm?"

"Happy birthday darlin'."

Call ended
01:27

Message sent
To: Lanna

Located... one rat-arsed husband :rolleyes:

He's called me Lan, I've told him to head home to you :knod: Don't be too hard on him OK? Least not til he's sober!

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: Dennis + Sharon

I never, ever, ever wanted to sound like this, but... do you reckon I should worry about Sharon? :unsure:

Here's me doing pregnancy tests on my own, trying to plan a future for me & Dennis, and he'd rather be out getting blind drunk then calling up his ex for a little heart to heart <_< And he's jealous of her & Matt, bastard couldn't even try and deny it :rolleyes: I sort of understand; while he was with her, they meant everything to each other. But they ended right? He married me :knod: It's just... he hadn't spoken to her for almost two months before today and then he's apparantly pouring his soul out to her over the phone when I'm sat at home, worried sick about him. It's starting to feel like I haven't got a place in my own marriage anymore :confused2:

And I was the one that wanted to get them talking again, why do I feel like such an idiot? :crie:

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Time

Hey Sharon :)

Dennis got home OK. We've sorted everything now :knod: but we'd really appreciate some time for the two of us, so don't be alarmed if you don't hear from us for a while, we're just getting ourselves back on track.

Lanna

Message sent
To: Dennis

I hope you enjoy the holiday or whatever darlin'. Just call/e-mail if/when you need me yeah? :knod:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Holiday? :confused2:

Ringing...
Sharon

"Dennis."

"Hey. What's going on Sharon?"

"Well, aren't you meant to be the one telling me that?"

"I would if I knew... look, what holiday?"

"I can send you the e-mail if you like. Lanna said you got home last night... thank God... how's your head?"

"Banging." he confessed with a meek laugh. "And this ain't helping... what did she say?"

"Just that... you need some time for the both of you and I thought... what do people do when they need time together?"

"Don't ask me."

"Look, just log on yeah? You can read it yourself..." 

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: FW: Time

Tell me what you make of it. I mean, have you & Lanna not actually talked?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: FW: Time

Well, she might think we're back on track but she got there on her own. I was out of my skull last night, we didn't talk. She didn't even try to acknowledge I was still alive, which is no more than I deserve I suppose but we didn't make any decisions and I don't remember flipping through holiday brochures. <_<

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: FW: Time

I was afraid you might say that :unsure: She was being too concise. :blink: She wants me gone doesn't she? :confused2: Why does she think I'm a problem? That's never what I wanted to be, not to you, not to her. :nooo: It's your marriage for God's sake, it was your choice. Look, I can give you time, I can give you space, but Jesus Christ, I can't be phased out your life. If nothing else, you're Vicki's brother for God's sake!

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: FW: Time

Hey, will you calm down? :huggles: I haven't even talked to her yet, but I will. And if that's what she means then... she's gonna have to realise I don't get made to choose :nono: I've done enough of that and Vicki is not gonna suffer again, I won't let it happen.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: FW: Time

Does he really mean it all to just be for Vicki, Chelle? :unsure: 

Why is Lanna trying to force me out? :confused2: We were trying to be friends, I don't understand. I suffered all the same shit she did when he was in Iraq :crie: is that what I've done wrong? Or is it just cos I'm me, cos I was someone to Dennis once too? Jesus, I thought we were all over that. I mean, I know me and Dennis can be volatile, half kill each other even, but... I didn't mean it when I said I didn't want anything to do with him, I didn't :nooo: Why can't she just let us be friends. She married him, didn't she? Why isn't that enough? <_<

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Oh Lanna, how convienent. You know I need to talk to you. You know why. Cos you know I've been talking to Sharon, is that alright with you? Only I've read the e-mail sent her. And y'know, she was trying to kid herself that you'd booked us a holiday or summat... try and paper over the cracks a little bit? Only that ain't what you meant is it Lanna? What's wrong with you? What the hell makes you think you can just tell her to get out? I mean, you covered it in sugar and put a cherry on top, very clever darlin', but you had no right! Sharon's in my life for a reason and y'know what? If I wanna argue with her, if I wanna ignore her for months on end, I will. But neither of us are doing anything on your say-so. Got that? I'll see you later."

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: Voicemail

Oh you should hear it Trine, you wouldn't know he was my husband and not hers! <_< Stupid bitch went right to him and showed him my e-mail. Can't handle a little nudge without running to him now it seems. And it's all my own bloody fault, they're both too proud to bother with sorting themselves out. They might not have spoken for years if I hadn't said anything. Then I'd at least know there was a chance for me here but Jesus Christ! Why is he being like this? She's an ex-squeeze for fuck's sake, nothing more.

From: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: Voicemail

For one sweetheart, you have got to calm the hell down. You're starting to sound jealous of the woman and that's not right - you're the one with the ring on your finger for God's sake :huggles: You used to be alright with them - what's changed so much? I know he hurt you by not turning up on testing day, and you know what I think of the shit :knod: <_< but he calls her when he's drunk, so what? She told him to fuck off home to you right? And why d'you think she did that? Cos she had her soddin' boy toy keeping the bed warm for her. I don't think there's any kind of interest there anymore babe, you're just gonna have to trust him. And if you can't, then you're gonna have to come right out with it, aren't you?

New message received
From: Lan

I'm only going to ask you this once... are you and Sharon having an affair?

New messages received: 3
From: Dennis (3)

Oh yeah, course we are :knod: I've been getting on planes and heading back to Walford for dirty weekends ever since I got home, or didn't you notice? <_<

What the fuckin' hell is wrong with you Lanna? You're... crazy! One minute it's me being jealous of Matt and then, all of a sudden you're jealous of Sharon! Why, for God's sake? I thought you two were friends!

Or is it just that you'd rather think of me dying in some warzone than imagine I might just be carrying on right under your nose? :rolleyes:  

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Oh, that's it Lanna! Accuse me of everything under the sun and then just switch your fucking phone off! You're really starting to annoy me with your paranoia now you know. The woman I married was better than this. I don't know what's happened to you... but I don't like it. I'm gonna spell it out for you one last time, loud and clear... I am not having an affair with Sharon! She's on the other side of the world for God's sake! But that hasn't stopped you has it eh? Bet you've called Matt, asked him if she's been acting suspiciously or something pathetic like that. And cos of you, she probably has! You've put her... you've put us both on edge and for what? I married you. I've never lied to you, you know what's between me and Sharon, you used to say it was sweet and you always said you were fine with it. Lanna, for God's sake, my life's with you isn't it? Is that what you can't handle... me being back here? Well never mind darlin', four more months and I'll be back out there and you can go back to pretending you at least care."

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: New Voicemail

Just switched my phone back on. Nice big rant from my darlin' husband awaited me <_< But you know what, he's made me so irrational. I started to :crie: just listening to the soddin' message, listening to him get so angry at me. I'm all over the place.

From: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: RE: New Voicemail

You don't reckon it's hormones do you? :unsure:

What are you going to do Lan? :huggles:

Message sent
To: Dennis

Alright, I'm sorry, I've been a cow! But me and Trine reckon I could have a reason :unsure:

I'm going to do another pregnancy test :knod: Can you at least try and be here for this one? :wub:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Sorry, dunno why I'm sending this, I'm just nervous y'know? :unsure: Twiddling my thumbs!

Message sent
To: Dennis

Oh darlin' :huggles: Good luck!

Message sent
To: Sharon

I don't want luck. Sharon, I don't think I want any of this :confused2:

Message sent
To: Dennis

Oh shhh! You're having a wobble that's all. I was harsh OK? A baby could be the making of you! :wub:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Negative.

Message sent
To: Dennis

Right :knod: And how d'you feel? :huggles:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Honestly? Relieved :knod: This whole thing, being here with Lanna is worrying me more than waking up in Basra or Baghdad for months on end. I told you, I can't do normal! 

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Dennis

Look, Lanna, I don't want anymore unpleasantness OK? Never have I meant to come between you and Dennis :nono: We're close that's all. Yes, we were together, but we're not anymore. There's no way, there's no chance. There hasn't been for a long time. He met you and it was done. We're friends, that's all. It's what we want to be, not least for Vicki's sake. And I thought we were doing alright, me and you? But maybe it's because Dennis is home right? No worry, no panic keeping us together anymore. But we don't need to start our own war do we? I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. Dennis told me about the pregnancy test. Don't be angry about that. You can't keep everything between the two of you, it'll hurt too much. Believe me, I've done enough pregnancy tests to see you through your first twenty kids. It'll happen yeah? You and Dennis are gonna be so happy together.

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Dennis

Maybe I have been acting a bit crazy. I'm sorry Sharon, really. This time I really thought it might have been the hormones but :nooo: I guess I want it too much.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Want

Hey, Lanna, listen to me, there is nothing wrong with wanting this :nono: believe me :wub: But just, take it from me, you don't want it at the cost of your marriage. It's Dennis you want to keep close. You need him... babies won't follow otherwise :lalala:

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Want

:lol: You're right, of course you are :knod: Thanks Sharon :huggles:

:blush: I feel stupid for being jealous now

Message sent
To: Dennis

Question... why is your wife jealous of me? :unsure:

Message sent
To: Sharon

Oh, yeah, sorry! That'd be the Transatlantic affair we've been having for months :knod:

Message sent
To: Dennis

:lol: What?

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed in.

SHARON: You are kidding right?
DENNIS: Nope. She came right out and asked me <_<
SHARON: Jesus. What did you say?
DENNIS: I said yes, just to prove to her how stupid she was being!
SHARON: So hang on, I'm in London and you're in Toronto... and we're having an affair?
DENNIS: Apparantly :knod:
SHARON: Wow. Does she not realise there's absolutely no way sex is involved in this affair we've been having for... how long? :unsure:
DENNIS: Since I came back I reckon :confused2: I'm expecting her to start going through my phone bills if you know what I mean.
SHARON: :yay: You think I'd settle for phone sex? God, you need to get her to a doctor :rolleyes:
DENNIS: She's going anyway. She's decided she wants fertility testing.
SHARON: Ouch. That's a bit of a fall for the male pride innit darlin'?
DENNIS:  :huh:?
SHARON: You're gonna have to be tested too. It takes two to make a baby y'know :knod: and well... you didn't make Zoe's did you and... you were never likely to get me pregnant.
DENNIS: It hurt to say that didn't it?
SHARON: Shouldn't do. According to your wife, I've never stopped doing you :lol:
SHARON: But anyway, what I mean is, it's just as likely to be you with... the problem as it is her, sorry darlin'.
DENNIS: But I don't want it. I don't. I don't want any of it. Let it be me, I don't care.
SHARON: Darlin', slow down eh? Just... stop.
DENNIS: No. There's only been one time I've ever really meant it when I've talked about kids and... friends right? That's all I get.
SHARON: :huggles: That's because... because I'm not Lanna, Dennis.
DENNIS: I know, I know. But... I put you through Hell, God knows how many times and it's still easier to talk to you.
SHARON: Yeah and it'll always be a damn sight easier to talk to me than it would be to have kids with me :lol:
DENNIS: :lol: Matt know that?
SHARON: :knod: He's aware.
DENNIS: Tell him from me not to screw up eh? He'll regret it.
SHARON: You mean he'll leave me then go marry someone else?
DENNIS: Something like that :knod: Like I say, he'll regret it.

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed out.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Regrets

Oh God, Chelle, if only I knew where the hell my head was at.

What the hell does it mean to regret? Come on, please, spell it out to me before I either make a tit of myself and/or the biggest most catastrophic mistake of my miserable existence.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Regrets

No pressure then Shall :unsure: What the bloody hell has happened? And where exactly doe Dennis feature? :rolleyes:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Regrets

Everywhere of course! Left, right and bloody centre! I can't get the bastard out of my head.

Look, the long and short of it is, Lanna told me to back off, then she went and asked Dennis if he was sleeping with me! I mean :O how the bloody hell would we ever have the oppurtunity, what with being on different continents? :rolleyes: If she'd wanted to let me know, I might just about have taken up her paranoia, y'know? And that's bad!

Anyway, her mate convinced her it was probably hormones, so she did another pregnancy test. Just like the last one, it was negative. But the thing is, Dennis text me while they were waiting for the result of the test, and when it came out like that, he said he was relieved. And that's totally not what he's told Lanna because she wants the two of them to go to the doctor and be referred for fertility testing :blink:

She e-mailed me and it seems like we've made our peace - she said she felt stupid for being jealous. Dennis' texts were the first I knew of the whole affair interluda. He logged on and actually gave me details and even I saw how stupid it was.

But then we started talking about the fertility testing and he said he didn't care if it was him because he was only ever serious about kids when he talked with me about them. He's totally thrown me. I tried to tell him I wasn't Lanna and he just said he knew that. But if he does Chelle, if he does, why did he leave me after Will's funeral, go back to Lanna and tell her he wanted them to have a baby? Why? :confused2:

He said he was glad he could talk to me, he said it was easier. Damn sight easier than having kids with me, I told him. He made out like he was laughing, but then he started on Matt. I honestly don't know if he has the same sort of problem with Matt as it appears Lanna has with me. I thought he was jealous didn't I, but it's been almost easy having him in my life again :knod: and when Lanna told me to back off, I felt ill. Just the thought I might lose him again.

Dennis asked if Will knew I can't have kids. I said yeah. So I guess he's realised that we're both hoping there's a chance in it for us cos he told me to tell Matt not to screw it up, or else he'd regret it. I really wanted to believe he was doing the over-protective friend/brother *winces* bit but I was so stupid :angry: I couldn't help but push it.

"You mean he'll leave me and marry someone else?"

And Dennis said: "Something like that. Like I say, he'll regret it."

Then he logged off and I haven't been able to get hold of him since. I'm starting to panic. Level it out for me Chelle please! Does he regret me, us? Or... does he regret marrying Lanna because of me? :unsure:

Argh! :angry: I never meant it to be like this! This wasn't supposed to happen! I'm so sick of screwing up other people's lives!

Lie to me Chelle :crie: Tell me I'm not to blame.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Your marriage

Dennis, hi! I'm hoping by the end of this message you'll have worked out who the hell I am and why it is I'm contacting you. I'm not a spammer, I promise. I know the subject line could have you worried about Viagra ads and offers of penis enlargement, but hey, why make it any bigger when you don't know where you're putting it? :rolleyes:

OK, so I hear you're being interrogated by your wife for the affair you're not having with my best friend. Have you ever thought maybe you should start? Least then you're having your ear chewed off for a reason :knod: and you've got Sharon in enough turmoil I don't think she'd have a clue how to say no!

I understand why you're finding it hard to be completely straight with her, but Jesus Christ, couldn't you at least try? :confused2: I'll make it easy for you, be straight with me. Tell me whether or not you're about to walk out on your marriage cos then I'll know how much fudging I've gotta do to Sharon the next time she e-mails me. That's how I got your e-mail address by the way, she forwards me your message sometimes, usually when she's at the point of tearing her hair out. She had no idea I'm contacting you and for the future's sake, let it stay that way eh? You might find you need me more than you'd like to admit. 

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Your marriage

Michelle! What a delightfully unexpected surprise! :rolleyes: Bloody hell, one e-mail and you're already offering me marriage guidance. You don't waste much time do you? :lol:

As for my "affair", tell Sharon to name the day, least I remember how it works with her. It's pretty sad not knowing my own wife right? But Jesus Christ, ever since she said she wanted us to try for a baby, well there's been nothing else. I honestly didn't think it'd be this hard, I mean, my old man never had any trouble with conception did he? :rolleyes: but it is literally doing my head in. If I close my eyes and concentrate til my head's pretty much ready to explode, I just about remember when me and Lanna were still people. Jaded, maybe, but war's a bit of a bitch that way and at least then we appreciated each other... even if it was just the fact we were both still breathing.

Day by day, we don't work. Domestication's squeezing every last breath of sanity out of the two of us. I'm not even sure we remember how to be friends :confused2: and at least I can say there's that between me and Sharon :knod: - even if I am an arse and we don't talk for months - we'll still come back and be friends.

I don't know what I'm about to do in all honesty Michelle, but please understand I'm not doing it to hurt anybody. So yeah, I won't say anything :nono: but as soon as I know it myself, so will you. I'm not doing it to mess with Sharon's head y'know. I might not have liked it, but I accept that she's with Matt now and I might just about be able to get my head round the idea he makes her happy. Whatever was between us at any time, I don't think I ever managed that much, so in some ways I guess I'm taking my hat off to the guy.

I'll admit that some days I hate that I'm not him but then... I made my choices didn't I?

Guess I'll figure it at some point - let's just hope it's before my next deployment yeah?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Trying for a baby

Back up there a second - it was Lanna that wanted you to try for a baby? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Trying for a baby

Yeah... why? Have you heard different or something? :unsure:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Trying for a baby

Only a lot! Oh God! Dennis look, I know what happened the night of Will's funeral. I know how wrecked you got, I know that Sharon kissed you. And you freaked out right, got an extension on your leave, flew home, thought you should make it up with your wife? :confused2: That's fair enough OK, but don't get me wrong :knod: It's just, e-mails passed between Lanna and Sharon when you went back to finish your tour of duty. Sharon saw the testing ticker in Lanna's signature and Lanna told her you'd gone back to Toronto after the funeral and... decided you wanted a baby. Sharon's been in pieces ever since, thinking it was your choice... to forget her, y'know? Haven't you noticed that in anything she's said to you since? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Trying for a baby

Well, yeah... I guess. But it wasn't my decision. I was smarting. Thinking about what I'd done... knowing I shouldn't have done it because... my wife was someplace else in the world. When I married Lanna, Michelle, I meant it, I did. But whenever I'm with Sharon, I remember and... well, the whole point of marriage is loyalty right? So I went to Lanna and reeled off all the stuff about giving her anything in the world, blah, blah, blah. And that's what she settled on. I didn't agree. I just didn't disagree either, but I was never trying to forget Sharon. Well, I was but this is never the way I woulda done it! :nooo: I'm sure Sharon's already told you I said I was only ever seriously considering kids when I was with her and let's face it, there's no chance there is there? 

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Dennis, Lanna + a baby

Babe, have you ever thought that maybe this whole baby fiasco was never really Dennis' decision? :unsure:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Dennis, Lanna + a baby

No, not really :confused2: Why would I?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Dennis, Lanna + a baby

Well, it's just... she tried to get you to back off right? That was harsh, it was desperate and it wasn't Dennis' decision! I'm not trying to insinuate anything, but just think about it :knod:

Message sent
To: Matt

I don't suppose you fancy getting me out of here do you darlin'? :wub:

Greetings from Barbados!

Hey Vicki darlin'!

Having an absolute ball. You'd love it out here, the beaches are beautiful, the sea's so blue... you can actually see the jellyfish coming! Been lain out here for the entire fortnight, tanning and drinking cocktails even Matt never knew about! It's paradise and we're not sure we're gonna come home!

Just kidding, I miss you too much! My club best still be standing though! See you soon!

*massive hugs*

Love,
Sharon & Matt
xxxx

New message received
From: Vicki

Found Sharon at last :rolleyes: Looks like Matt took her off on holiday, lucky cow! Got a postcard from Barbados this morning, it looks gorgeous! :wub: Still, it'd be nice to know when she's gonna do this kind of stuff, I've been going mental.  

New message received
From: Dennis

Vicki, you're always going mental :rolleyes: As long as she's alright and having a good time, that's all that matters :knod: Thanks for letting me know! xxx

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Sharon in Barbados

You knew she was out there didn't you? :rolleyes: You've been letting me stress out in one of these every few days and she's been livin' it up in Barbados for a fortnight! Cheers Chelle, I hope you got your kick darlin'.

New voicemail message received
From: Doctors

"Mrs. Rickman? This is Cheryl from the Lake Mills Medical Centre. Just wanted to let you know that on the instruction of Doctor Nicolls following your consultation this afternoon, I have arranged your referral for you. Your appointment will be on December 15th, at 3:15, at Westward General with a Mr. Tyson. Thank you. Have a nice day."

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Sharon in Barbados

Yes, I knew. But not for as long as you'd like to accuse me so put your toys back in your pram eh? She'd been gone five days by the time even I heard from her OK? When she said to Matt she wanted to get out of here, I don't think any of us thought he'd take her halfway across the soddion' world, but hey, points to the man for spontaneity, I doubt Sharon's been complaining.

I just didn't tell you because for a guy who doesn't know where his head's at, your every message seemed to make it clearer to me you couldn't be further removed from your marriage if you tried. C'mon Dennis, when are you gonna admit that this is all done?

Message sent 
To: Trine

December 15th Trine. That's five bloody weeks away <_< Y'know I really hate to say this, but the way things are going, I really don't think Dennis is still gonna be here by then :crie:

Message sent 
To: Lanna

Oh babe, it can't be all that bad can it? :huggles:

Message sent 
To: Trine

Well, let's just say, if I am fertile, I ain't gonna know it. He won't come near me anymore. We're barely talking anymore :crie: I don't know what's happened and I... I don't know how to fix it!

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Sharon in Barbados

I'm not and you know why? Cos I'd be admitting it for nothing. Sharon's with Matt now. I don't like it, but there's fuck all I can do about it. I've had all my chances and I blew 'em all. <_< And whatever it's like with Lanna right now, I know she wants to try. And bloody hell Chelle, that's gotta be better than be alone :confused2: There's only a war waiting for me out there. And at least that's something Lanna understands :knod: It's what we built ourselves up from to begin with, we can do it again. She's my wife, Chelle. That must have meant something to me once. It should again right?

New message received
From: Dennis

Just your arse of a husband callin' darlin'. Ignore me if you like. But I wanna say I'm sorry. For everything :huggles: Forgive me, Lan, we shouldn't give up :nono:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Sharon in Barbados

Actually Dennis, since you ask, I don't think your apparant solution is better than being alone. Because if you're honest with yourself, you know you'd never be alone. If you could tell Sharon what you're feeling in a way that's sincere enough to make her believe it, you know she'd be back with you like a shot. I don't like that realisation myself, given how everything worked out between the two of you the last time you tried all this, but I know Sharon, and I know that's the truth. Whatever's happening in her life, and yours come to that, she's never gonna give up on loving you.

You're trying to hold on to the wrong woman here and I think you know that. You need to talk to Sharon :knod:

New message received
From: Lan

And we're not going to :nono: Not yet :wub:

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed in

SHARON: Miss me? :P
DENNIS: Hey Sharon :wub: Have a good time?
SHARON: Oh yes :lalala:
DENNIS: Got wrecked then? :lol:
SHARON: Every morning :knod:
DENNIS: Morning? :huh:
SHARON: Well, that's when we started :lol: The cocktails were too good. 
SHARON: Passing out in the sun? Not so <_<
DENNIS: You didn't? :lol:
SHARON: :knod: And I'm paying for it believe me! :crie: I'm peeling like anything. I wanna cry just being sat down, stood up, anything really.
DENNIS: Nearly happened in Tenerife that did. Why didn't Matt cover you with a towel or something? Didn't you tell him you burn easy?
DENNIS: Lemme guess, slipped your mind right?
SHARON: :knod: :(
SHARON: Anyway, what did I miss? Anything major?
DENNIS: Not really :confused2: Me and Lan decided to give it a go though. I mean, really.
SHARON: Oh darlin', that's fantastic! :huggles:
DENNIS: Yeah?
SHARON: Of course it is :wub: That'll show Michelle ^_^
DENNIS: Michelle? :unsure:
SHARON: Oh, couple of things she said before I went away, nothing major! :nono:
DENNIS: Right, OK. Well... Lan got the referral through :knod:
SHARON: And how are you taking that?
DENNIS: :lol: Well, I never thought I'd be doing this just to hold my marriage together. I always thought that was a bloody awful reason to have kids. But maybe you were right? Maybe a baby could be the making of us :knod:
SHARON: Well, let's hope so eh? :wub:

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed out

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Dennis, Lanna + a baby

Alright, so old news I know, but... why do I feel so much like I have split personality disorder these days Chelle? It's madness :rolleyes: Only I come back from the simplest, most gorgeous fortnight possible and it's like it never existed anyway because it's suddenly all Dennis again :confused2: For one, I don't know where the Hell I leave Matt half the time and how is that fair?

I say all the things Dennis needs to hear, but I don't mean them. I keep my peace with Lanna and I just have this feeling there's nothing I want less. But I keep the front on it, because I'm Sharon, always got a smile on my face. I swear, I'm making myself sick with it.

Because for whatever I regret saying to either Dennis or Lanna, I know I meant it when I said they were selfish to think they could raise a child across warzones. When they were having a rough time of it, when Dennis got wrecked and called me, he said that fight was all he had left. And I'm thinking... would he leave the war to stay at home and raise his baby? It's admirable, maybe even plausible, but if Lanna carries on nursing, then any kids they do have may as well grow up without a mother.

And if she leaves her post too, what the hell are they actually going to do? No wage, no nothing. They gonna be expecting Lanna's parents to keep 'em going for the sake of a marriage that's... oh I don't know what. But Dennis said today that he'd always thought having a child to hold a marriage together was awful. And I couldn't agree with him because he's trying to convince himself it's not true anymore. Except it is. If one of them's sterile, they're gonna be spending thousands they don't have on a baby that's just not gonna hold them together. It's so sad and no-one can say anything.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: FW: RE: Dennis, Lanna + a baby

I hope you realise I'm betraying my best friend to have you read this. You two are frustrating me beyond words, so take Sharon's instead and recognise what she really means to say to you! Have you ever thought she's just telling you what you need to hear because she's sick of being the one to hurt you? Do me a favour Dennis, take a leaf out of her book eh?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: FW: RE: Dennis, Lanna + a baby

Wow. Don't mince her words does she? :rolleyes: Thanks Michelle :knod: but there's nothing I can do with this.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Finer points

I beg to differ! <_< May I draw your attention to the bit about Matt?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Finer points

No you may not :nono: (Do you have any idea what we sound like? :lol:)

It's done Chelle, this is the way it has to be. No more rocking the boat!

But while we're all for drawing attention and whatever else, can I ask what these "couple of things" you said to Sharon before she went on holiday were? Cos I have this suspicion I featured heavily!

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Finer points

Look, I didn't spell anything out OK? I knew you wouldn't appreciate it, but bloody hell, I wish I had, why are you being such a fool Dennis? <_<

I just tried to suggest to her that maybe it wasn't you she needed to blame quite so severely for the way she was hurting over the whole "Dennis is having a baby with someone else" thing.

Sadly for us both, I don't think she ever cottoned on :rolleyes:

Notification
Corpral Dennis Rickman
3241 Pineridge Drive
Toronto, ON, M3M 2B7

New messages received: 2
From: Lan (2)

Dennis? Where are you? :unsure: Please darlin', don't make me panic like this again.

I know you got my last message, the delivery report just came back. Please, I just want to know what's going through your head. I love you :wub:

New message received
From: Dennis

I love you too :wub: Just, give me a while yeah? I'm not heading home just to be an arse all over again :nono: You deserve better than that.

New message received
From: Lanna

Sharon, darlin', will you do me a favour and call Dennis? He's disappeared someplace, says he needs a while to himself, but I don't know what's going on :confused2:

New message received
From: Sharon

What's up Dennis? :huggles: C'mon darlin, me and Lanna are worrying for you now. What's happened?

New message received
From: Dennis

Jesus, since when were you and Lan in cahoots Sharon? :rolleyes:

New message received
From: Sharon

Since you've been avoiding the question :rolleyes: What's happened? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

I got my notice of deployment through the door this morning.

New message received
From: Sharon

Oh :( C'mon then, break it to me...

New message received
From: Dennis

They want me back in Basra by February 25th.

New message received
From: Sharon

Well... at least you get all of your six months right? :unsure:

New message received
From: Dennis

And is that supposed to stop me panicking, supposed to stop me remembering? <_<

New message received
From: Sharon

You know I didn't mean it like that :nooo: We're all here for you OK? :huggles: Just, please darlin', if you mean it when you say you wanna work on this marriage, this time, tell Lanna...

New message received
From: Dennis

Lan, this isn't gonna come from Sharon this time :nono: I have something to tell you... :(

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: February 25th

That's when I lose him. I know it is :nooo: I mean, I knew we had six months but... oh God, he's barely halfway through his leave and they just have to wade in like the bastards they are and drop that on us. And I really thought we were getting somewhere, Trine, we've been trying so hard. :crie: And what if... what if I'm pregnant by then? It's driving me crazy and Dennis only told me a few hours ago. I just can't stop thinking that this means I'm either heading to the divorce courts or a churchyard. I understand Dennis' terror now, like when Will died? Oh God, I understand it so perfectly, I feel ill. This isn't fair, we had a fragile peace and now I'm just waiting for it all to shatter. I don't want to lose him. I love him. But I don't know how to stop it.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Deployment

Y'know, I really hate to admit this, but I think I'm starting to get Sharon's point. I mean, I always got it, I've always just been too proud to admit it. I can't have kids, I've got no right. What kind of dad could I possibly be, flying off every couple of months and hoping I just don't get myself blown to pieces?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Deployment

Christ, this summons of yours has really got you thinking deep over there hasn't it Dennis? Have you ever thought that maybe you should run this lot past your wife?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Deployment

Oh yeah, and how do I do that? I'm meant to be proving to her that I care about her, not shattering her dreams.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Care

Love how you said "care" and not "love". You may as well have been talking about your pet gerbil :rolleyes:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Care

You take the piss, you know that? <_< I'm actually pretty scared if you can dare to imagine that. It's only a couple of weeks til this referral and I'm gonna be sat there, holding her hand and saying all the right stuff and I'm gonna be thinking all the stuff Sharon has. And only thinking it, cos I just don't wanna hurt Lanna anymore.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Care

And I feel for you darlin', I really do :knod: but a puppy's for life, not just for Christmas!

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Christmas

Yes, I know, but this might be the last one I see, you ever thought of that cos you know, I've never really stopped.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Christmas

What, so.... you die and look at that, you've left a pregnant widow. What do you want people to do Dennis, empathise with your sperm? :rolleyes: You don't even want any sprog - at least, not with Lanna. And I'll tell ya mate, I ain't gonna stand round your grave saying how great you were and comforting Lanna when it's Sharon that's gonna be in pieces. We remember Sharon right, my best friend, love of your life? :rolleyes:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Christmas

OK, enough with the sperm already <_< We don't even know the fucker's functional yet.

And as for standing round my grave... I think you'll find I have a solicitor on strict instruction to enforce the cremation of my sorry arse, so quit with the lecture an' all eh? :rolleyes:

New message received
From: Sharon

Best of luck to you and Lanna for the referral today sweetheart :wub: I'll be thinking of you :huggles: (periodically, Vicki's making me go Christmas shopping down Oxford Street :rolleyes:)

New message received
From: Sharon

You're gonna love me, got you a proper boy toy for Christmas :P and if you don't love me... blame Vicki, she made me get it! :lol:

New message received
From: Dennis

:lol: Have you ever thought we should give up listening to other people?

New message received
From: Sharon

Are you home? :confused2:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: The referral

C'mon then darlin', tell me the worst! :huggles:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The referral

:lol: Are you really determined to shame me?

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Was it that bad? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Well, let's just put it this way, students get paid and I get Lanna wincing all the way home. The images just don't bear thinking about.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Oh I bet they weren't that bad :lalala: Flipping straight to page three with the pot in your hand :yay:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Piss off Sharon :P I'm off to get drunk!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Killing off more sperm eh? :P

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Seriously, what is the fascination with the sperm? :lol: It's getting perverse!

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The referral

:blink: Alright, I'm sorry :lol:

How long is it til D-Day? :unsure:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The referral

The results take about a month to process apparantly - but that's only cos it's Christmas :knod: They've given us a call back for January 12th.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Ooooh, good luck sweetheart :wub: You will try and have a good Christmas won't you?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: The referral

Yeah right :rolleyes: I haven't had a sober Christmas since... well, since us!

And as for New Year <_< ...

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: New Year

Ah, now that will be a good one, I promise you :P You and Lanna are still coming over here right?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: RE: New Year

:knod: Try and keep us away :P

Calling...
Vicki

"Happy Christmas!"

"Vicki, it's seven in the morning..."

"Au contraré brother dear, it's midday and I must say, I'm impressed I managed to hold off this long!"

Dennis chuckled dryly. "Lemme guess, you've been up since four?"

"But of course!" she returned proudly. "Have a good one right? Oh, hang on, Sharon's back... here-"

"She's woken you up hasn't she, darlin'?"

"Morning Sharon." he replied, suppressing a very slight groan that she empathised with immediately.

"Little madam, I told her to wait until three at least! But you know what's she's like, she was bored of her presents by ten!"

"Well tell her I'm seriously considering not bringing any of her presents with me!"

"Oh I daren't! I'd quite like to make it to New Year y'know!"

"Why, you missing me?"

"Don't even remember what you look like!" she teased. "You're just an e-mail address to me these days!"

He laughed. "Love you too!"

"Save that one for Lanna!" Sharon advised. "You might need it if our sister's gone and woken her up too!"

"Uh... you might have a point there. Look, have a good one yeah Sharon? Make sure you and Vicki get rat-arsed for me."

"We'll try our best. You too darlin', spoil Lanna rotten yeah?"

"Mmm, same goes for Matt or else he's in for it when I see him!"

"Didn't know you cared!"

"Yeah well, it what's sobriety does to you innit?"

"Bye Dennis." Sharon said warmly. "Expect calls from Chrissie and everything. Give our love to Lanna."

"Will do." 

Call ended
00:53

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
Subject: Happy Christmas darlin'!

I seem to recall we have been here before :P

Maybe this one'll prove better than the last eh? :huggles: Been one hell of a year all round. Tell my daughter that it wouldn't kill her to come home to me for these occassions every once in a decade! :rolleyes: Nah, long as she's happy, spoil her rotten. Honestly though, what time did she wake you up? :P

All the love and hugs in the world

Chelle, Tim & Mark :wub:

xxx

PS: You looking forward to New Year? :P

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com 
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Happy Christmas darlin'!

:knod: :crazy: Am I mental? :unsure: It's just, I haven't seen him since, well yeah :lol: I really think it might be fab, especially now he's settled with Lanna and everything. I can't wait to see him :wub: and yeah, Vicki's not like a hyper puppy or anything, didn't wake me up at half four or anything :lalala:

Looks like we're gonna have a good one at last Chelle :wub: to you all babe - you've seen me through yet another year :P

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: At Christmas, we...

...tell the truth! :rolleyes:

Have you ever thought that you and Sharon should give that one a go Dennis? Only I've just had an e-mail from her, and she seems to be looking forward to having you back in London for New Year because... "you're settled with Lanna"! Where the bloody hell did you learn to lie like that?

I swear, I'm gonna be banging your heads together come the stroke of midnight! <_<

New message received
From: Lanna

You're slipping Vicki :P We've been here for two minutes and we can't pick you and Sharon out cos there's no squealing going on!

New message received
From: Vicki

You want squealing? :buzzing:

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com 
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: New Year starts here!

Well, they're here! :crazy:

Lanna makes me laugh, honestly :rolleyes: We'd been in the airport for what felt like hours and she'd been been jumping up and down looking for them for about an hour before their flight even landed. Then it does, and I'm finally gotten her very interested in a very large coffee, and her phone goes off. Lanna and Dennis have been in the terminal for all of thirty seconds and they're not used to Vicki not knocking them over in a fit of :buzzing: :lol:

She almost spat her mouthful of coffee out, bless her, shaking as she sent a text back. We were already halfway across the terminal when her delivery report came back.

"Dennis!"

"Hey, here she is!"

And yep, she got him off balance. I don't know why that girl can't just hug people :rolleyes: :lol:

There was just this one awkward moment between me and Lanna. Think it's cos both of us were just thinking about everything that had gone on, everything that shouldn't have been said. But she just smiled and then it was easy. Cos I could see she meant it, that she was happy that Dennis was happy. :knod:

"C'mere." I said. I could almost laugh, but I settled on hugging her. Then she turned away and hugged Vicki. Which left me and Dennis. At last. And it was like we were saying sorry without even speaking. Maybe one day we'll have a meeting where I actually say something before I'm throwing my arms around him.

And he just says; "I've missed you so much!" He said it before I had chance. D'you know what that did to me? :wub:

We've decided to do the touristy stuff. It's weird, I was born in this city, but apart from the shopping opportinities, I've never really thought about what's in this place. We went back to Walford and Lanna got her head down. Dennis must have been just as knackered, but he wouldn't admit. Sat in the lounge with his eyes half closed and a dopy smile on his face as Vicki chatted. Course, now I know how to make the coffee, I could keep him up... but he might have fallen asleep on me :wub: :lol:

He got up about ten minutes before Lanna surfaced, would not admit he'd been asleep. Bless him. We were all out the door ten minutes later. And Lanna was in awe of the lot, it was so cute! Still just London to me!

But we decided to go on the London Eye. Everytime me and Vicki have passed it we've been carrying our bodyweight in shopping bags, so we thought, hell, why not? Except it might have been a big mistake. :blush: It's horrible Chelle. It's so slow and everything starts to get so small and of course, it's all glass so it looks like you could drop straight into the sea! :mellow: Dennis was the only one who realised there was anything wrong with me. Was so embarrassing. Had to make like I didn't feel ready to throw up and just sat on the bench in the middle shaking.

He just came over, crouched down and... waited for me to admit what a pathetic cow I was basically. But I couldn't speak. So he says; "I shoulda known this was a bad idea."

"Bad? Bad, no, I'm fine, I'm-"

"As white as a fuckin' sheet." he said quietly, squeezing my hand. "Should have remembered what you were like when we went to Tenerife..."

He said that quietly an' all. Guess he didn't wanna draw Lanna's attention. Pretty wise guy sometimes is Dennis.

"I got through it though didn't I? And bloody hell, I've been to America and back enough times, why can't I handle this?"

"Well, you only see clouds when you're in planes right? My guess here is the water. Ain't too  popular with me either. In fact, why are we even doing this?"

He's a distraction if nothing else, made me laugh - and point to Lanna :P which resulted in me drawing attention to us both and having to let Dennis tell her what was wrong with me while I just :blush: I tell ya, the way she fussed made me glad I'm getting wrecked tonight. Bless her :lol:

We're gonna be some of the sad thousands that line the streets of Central London singing Auld Lang Syne and pissing ourselves at the fireworks! (I don't mean literally :lol:) but y'know, I'm really looking forward to it. Oooh, my phone's just gone off, and it's Matt. :wub: Best go babe, I'll talk to you in 2007! :wub:

[b]New message received
From:[/b] [i]Matt[/i]

[font=Courier]Hey :wub: I'm heading over to yours now OK? Chrissie's given me fair warning and said it'll take you girls hours to be ready and I kinda fancy seeing you before 2007! :P[/font]

[b]New message received
From:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier]You'll be lucky darlin' :P[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Chelle[/i]

[font=Courier]Happy New Year darlin'! :crazy: :wub: :crazy:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier]You are wrecked aren't you? Still up at 5am to count me into 2007, I'm impressed Sharon really! So c'mon then, do I get details of the rest of your New Year's Eve or what?[/font]

[b]From: [u]Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com[/u] 
To: [u]ChelF69@msn.com[/u]
Subject: Should old acquaintance be forgot![/b]

You'll sing with me won't you Chelle? Honestly, we were just a great big huddle of drunken, cackling swaying Londoners, it was great, but would they sing? :rolleyes: Lanna even let Dennis get wrecked, how shocking is that? :lol: No swimmers for a while it seems! OK, must not obsess over the sperm, he's already told me off for that! :laughoutloud:

It was great. We were in the heaving wine bar til 11, just drinking, talking about anything and everything, gradually getting louder and louder. Course, it was New Year so the karaoke was abound. Lanna can really sing, did you know that? Dragged me up with her and we belted out It's My Life. It was hilarious. Dennis looked like he wanted to take exception, all that not living forever stuff, but God, he was in fits :wub: Think he gets what he means to us girls now :knod:

Anyway, we got up and legged it at 11, wanting to get a close to the the centre as we could for the countdown, even if I pretty much lost the sensation in my legs straight away. The heel on Vicki's shoe snapped, she was gutted. And I cried too, but only cos I was laughing so hard. Dennis was drunk enough to offer her a piggyback and the rest of us were drunk enough to think it was a good idea. Except we practically went up and down the Thames twice and it was only then Chrissie remembered she always carries flip flops in her bag for shoe emergencies - good idea I reckon :P they even went well with Vicki's dress :lol: I just don't know if she still has ten toes!

And Matt kept me warm :wub: He gives the best cuddles y'know :knod: We all stood there shivering and just laughing at nothing at all. We work so well as a group - more money for drink that way! I just kept looking round, seeing the smile on Dennis' face as Lanna was whispering to him, and I felt happy. Because they've got hope. Whatever I've said, whatever his doubts, they have each other and maybe in the future. Or maybe this is just the drink talking and the cold light of another New Year's Day is gonna sting like a bitch, but hey, I'm pissed, I'm allowed to gush :P

My baby's happy, happy with his wife and maybe even thier own babies. And that's fine, because he's be so good with babies.

I'm gonna stick with Matt's cuddles :wub: He makes me happy too, not Dennis level happy, but bloody happy :knod:

It's all OK. I just don't know how I went so many months when Dennis was in Canada without wanting to see him, just to be near him. Arguments are stupid. I've missed Dennis.

And I did on the waterfront too. About three minutes to go til midnight and it didn't look like he and Lanna were anywhere. I panicked a bit, but yeah... still drunk, so I counted with thousands of others down into 2007, demanding that 2006 kiss my arse goodbye. Because it's sucked.

Vicki squealed and leapt on me, Chrissie hugged the life out of me. Then Matt just grinned at me and kissed me. Good kisser he is too :wub: Was out the corner of my eye, I saw Dennis and Lanna, pretty much wrapped up in each other the same way. And despite everything I've thought and felt for both of them, I was still so happy. Cos the next thing I knew, Lanna was hugging Matt and I was the one squealing because my feet weren't touching the ground anymore.

And Dennis, the daft sod just spoke into my neck and he knows how ticklish I am :rolleyes:

"Promise me we'll never have another year like this Sharon..."

"Must be joking!" I laughed, somehow not wanting to go to the ground again, I wanted him to swing me round forever :yay: "Need you too much!"

"Oh yeah, and how much is that?"

"As much as I need another drink!" (It was true :halo:)

It's gonna be a good one Chelle, I know it. Dennis is gonna have babies and I... I'm gonna have that drink!

Love you :wub: 

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier]Happy New Year and all that :huggles: but Jesus, do you know how much you frustrate me? :rolleyes:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Michelle[/i]

[font=Courier] :yay: Didn't know you cared Chelle :lalala:

Happy New Year to you an' all - you've been a life-saver! :huggles:[/font]

Sharon,

Love you, miss you (and I've left the aspirin on the side :P)

Dennis

xxx

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] Do you think you're funny sweetheart?

Which side? :crie:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] Oh darlin', not [i]suffering[/i] are we? :P

Lanna sends :huggles:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] Will she send aspirin too? :(

You know, for a bloke whose meant to be tee-total, you definitely seem to get some sorta perverse pleasure outta watching ladies get wrecked![/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] :knod: Three days on the trot :lalala:

You do know it's 2007 right?[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] How could you do this to Vicki? She's so not gonna surface before her 21st![/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] Oh shut up, I'm an amazingly popular big brother I am!

It's amazing the things you "ladies" will come out with when you're "wrecked" y'know :P

Love yoooou :wub:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] Oh God :mellow: What did I do?[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] Such a suspicious nature... who says it was you?[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] Because I'm pretty good at making an idiot of myself when pissed - especially when it comes to you :rolleyes:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] Oh calm down, just tell Matt our affair's back on eh? :P I mean, I go back to Basra in seven weeks... time for one last fling right?[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier]I [i]was[/i] your last fling wasn't I? :yay:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] I suppose so yeah :knod: 

:lalala: You do realise Lanna could be leaning over my shoulder right now? :lalala:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] :O Then I guess I have no choice but to break your heart darlin'... I don't want you anymore :nono: Piss off and get on your plane :P[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] :yay: *salutes*

Love you y'know :wub:[/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] Love you too :wub: but shhh! They're onto us! :lalala:[/font]

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Texts

I have the scariest feeling I've just spent the last half an hour flirting with Dennis.

Shit :mellow:

[b]Ringing....[/b]
[i]Trina[/i]

[b]The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a-[/b]

[b]Ringing....[/b]
[i]Trina[/i]

[b]The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a-[/b]

[b]Ringing....[/b]
[i]Trina[/i]

[b]The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a-[/b]

[b]Missed calls: 3
From:[/b] [i]Lanna[/i]

[b]Ringing....[/b]
[i]Trina[/i]

[b]The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a message after the tone.[/b]

"Please Trine, please just pick up. I need you right now darlin'. I need you so much. Oh God, I- doesn't matter - call me when you can yeah?"

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] You busy? :unsure: [/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] :nono: Never for you darlin'. C'mon then... verdict? :unsure: :huggles: [/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Sharon[/i]

[font=Courier] If I did have kids, what would you be to them? [/font]

[b]Message sent 
To:[/b] [i]Dennis[/i]

[font=Courier] Wow. :mellow: Knock a girl for six then why don't you? Look, hang on... [/font]

[b]Ringing....[/b]
[i]Dennis[/i]

"Well?"

"Yeah, hi Dennis." Sharon laughed anxiously, taking a breath before she dared to even try and answer his question. "I suppose... I'd be whatever you and Lanna were comfortable with me being. Family friend, whatever, maybe even.... Auntie Sharon has a ring to it don't you think?"

There was a silence that only served to make Sharon grow uneasy.

"Dennis?"

"Knew you'd say that." he said quietly. "But it just wouldn't work would it?"

Sharon saw no need to question him. She just waited. Then it came.

 "You're not my sister. Anyway... there ain't gonna be any kids."

"Wh-What? Well... who..."

"Lanna's got... polycystic ovarian syndrome... S'that right?" he questioned tiredly.

"Yeah darlin'. Yeah it is."

"Don't really know what it is. Just know I hate it. I hate that there's nothing I can do."

"Well, you're not the doctor are you? C'mon, there must be something they can do."

"Oh yeah. Pills, injections, but that don't mean there's hope. She don't deserve this Sharon, why can't it just be me?"

"Just because. I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, me an' all. What's hitting me the most is what you must have gone through. I was such a bastard to you-"

"Shhh. This isn't about me. Go and comfort your wife Dennis and just remember I'm here any time yeah?"

"I miss you." he told her weakly.

"I miss you too. I wish I could give you a hug. Dennis, I'm so sorry..."

"Yeah... Yeah..."

[b]Call ended[/b]
[i]00:29[/i]

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Dennis & Lanna's referral

They're infertile Chelle :( Lanna has polycystic ovarian syndrome. How cruel can one world be, how cruel can I be? I just can't stop thinking that in Canada, I said I was glad when Dennis told me Lanna wasn't pregnant. What kind of monster am I? Cos now she never will be and Jesus Christ, I know that pain. How can I have been stood there, wishing it on her? :crie: I was jealous, I was :knod: but she makes Dennis happy, despite everything. Why wasn't it within me to be happy for him? I feel so crushed for them.

And yet, there's this one thought that won't go away and I hate it. I'd beat it out if I could but it just won't leave! I keep thinking, now... now me and Lanna are equal. I keep thinking I really could have been her.

I'm scared I might be wishing :unsure:

(The Goo Goo Dolls: Two Days in February)

I hung your picture on the wall, but that's all it is.
I break my fingers to make a call, but that's all it is.
I know you're living way out west
I don't think that I've confessed
Everything I feel.

You say you've got no faith in things that you can't see
Well I'm sorry I ain't there, but you ain't here with me
And I'm down in all my fear
But I ain't crying no tears over you.

Cause everything's wrong
But it's alright
Everything's wrong
But it's alright.

You said that this is crazy - you're half a world away
Well, I'm sitting and I'm thinking but I don't know what to say
So I said something I can't touch... I always want way too much anyway

Cause everything's wrong
But it's alright
Everything's wrong
But it's alright.

From: Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com
To: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
Subject: Here

I know my place Lanna darlin', but I just want you to know that I am always, always here for you just as much as Dennis. I know we've had our moments and everything, but believe me, although it feels like no-one else in the world could understand you right now, I do :knod: I know how much it hurts. You can ignore me if you like, the last thing I want to do is patronise you at a time like this, but honestly, if you need me at any time of the day or night, even if it's just to shout and scream about how unfair it all seems (I recommend that actually, you need to get it out :huggles:) then please think of me.

You don't have to believe me, but it will get better :wub:

Love

Sharon 

xxx

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Diagnosis

Sharon told me what happened with the referral. Bloody hell Dennis, I wish I knew what to say. :nooo: I'm so sorry :huggles:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Diagnosis

:knod: Everybody's sorry. Doesn't change anything though does it? :confused2: I don't even know how to talk to Lanna. Sharon left it a week or so before she braved e-mailing her with her support and all that. Made me so uneasy. Cos I know what I'm thinking, I know I've made Sharon think it, and I know that means she's told you to make you think it!

Still, least you can stop with the whole matchmaking thing now eh? Sharon or Lanna, really doesn't matter anymore. They're one and the same.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Diagnosis

If you believe that then I suggest you get back down that doctor's and get your head tested mate :rolleyes:

Whatever you feel for either of them, you feel because of who they are, not for how many babies they can churn out. You know what I think. It's important for you to make a go of things with your wife and I admire you for that. So does Sharon :knod:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Sharon

I just can't get over how bloody insensitive I musta seemed when we first met. You know, with Vicki's abortion and all that? I had absolutely no idea Sharon couldn't... well, I'm glad she never got Vicki's baby. That woulda screwed 'em all up I know but when Sharon and me were together, I saw it. How much she wanted a baby. Mine. That screwed me up a little, cos how much I wanted it scared me too. I was so damn callous to her and now justice has been done - I'm suffering the same way, but not with her. That just don't feel right Chelle :nooo: But you're right, Sharon & Lanna are more than formula milk and dirty nappies I know, but Lanna... she's in bits. It really is like her world has ended and I just don't know how to bring her out again y'know? :unsure:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Lanna

You have to talk to her, in some sorta way that's gonna make her see you'll still be there for her :knod:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Lanna

I'm trying. But she says it's easier to talk to Sharon. And that's not right. My wife being comforted by my ex. :blink: How can Sharon know more about a woman she didn't even want to like than I do?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Lanna + Sharon

She didn't want to like her Dennis, that's true, but she always has, even through the hostility. Sharon just wants you to have the chance to be happy and she sees now that it's Lanna that makes you happy. And that's the beauty of moving on :knod: Sharon empathises with Lanna because it's a mother's pain. They know you're hurting too but it's Sharon that's gonna understand the agony of not carrying a child, giving birth to it. Maybe Lanna thinks if she talked this over with you, it'd just drive the knife in; because it is something that neither you and Lanna, or Sharon can have.

Like I say, however much support Lanna feels she's getting from Sharon, the two of you need to be talking to one another or you're going to fall apart and there's no reason for that to happen to you both - you have each other Dennis, don't forget that!

Message sent
To: Matt

Does it bother you that Sharon can't have kids?

Message sent
To: Dennis

First off mate, I'm so sorry about, well y'know :knod: but if it's any help, no I don't. I take Sharon as a person, not as a package. You don't wanna let Alannah go Dennis! :nono:

Message sent
To: Matt

No, I know :) Cheers

Message sent
To: Sharon

I shouldn't be doing this I know but I can't stop thinking about you. Fancy putting me out my misery and giving me a call before I reach for the bottle? :confused2:

New messages received: 4
From: Vicki (1)

Sharon? Please call me. I need your help. I'm really scared. I've been so stupid :crie: (again!)

Chrissie (1)

Sharon, have you been in touch with Vicki? It's really kicking off babe, why aren't you answering your phone?

Dennis (2)

Well, I reached for it. Where are you Sharon? :unsure: I need you right now.

I reached for several in fact. My wife's talking to you more than she is to me. How twisted is that? Hope you're proud <_<

New voicemail message received
From: Sharon

"Dennis, oh God darlin', you best be sober. I'm so sorry. Look, I really don't know how you're gonna take this, but if I leave it any longer, well we're all gonna burst. It's a fuckin' disaster. I really thought she'd learnt, the stupid little girl but... Vicki... she thinks she's pregnant. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have been here but... she called and... oh God... what are we supposed to do eh? You sorted her out last time, but God, you and Lanna, we just... none of us knew how to tell you. Please darlin', don't be angry with me. We just need to get our heads together. Apologise to Lanna for me, tell her I'll be available as soon as I can. I love you y'know. None of this was supposed to hurt you." 

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Congratulations

Dennis tells me that congratulations are in order :wub:

Well, actually, no he didn't. Honestly, I don't know why you think you have to wrap me up in cotton wool :rolleyes: I bet Sharon took it alright didn't she, and me and her, we're in the same boat :knod: She's been a star to me has your sister Vicki and I have no doubt she will be to you and your baby.

Take care

Lanna xxx

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed in

VICKI: What did you tell Lanna for?
DENNIS: What was I meant to do? She's my wife Vicks, we don't have secrets :confused2:
VICKI: Yeah, I know :knod: but she was congratulating me Dennis! Going on like Sharon's gonna be some great support network. I'm all for not keeping secrets, but does Lanna know what Sharon was like last time? Trying to buy my baby?
VICKI: Thought not <_<
DENNIS: Lay off will you sis, it's not like Lan got her chequebook out is it?
DENNIS: Is it? :unsure:
VICKI: Jesus, you two really aren't talking are you? It wouldn't matter if she had Dennis, cos just like last time, there's nothing to be bought. Chrissie came with me to the clinic this afternoon, and this time I had Sharon's blessing. Saw it in her face though...
DENNIS: Saw what?
VICKI: She thought I was selfish. Cos this time she was thinking about you and Lanna. But I couldn't do that Dennis. It was my mistake, I dealt with it.
DENNIS: So you should have :knod:
VICKI: Got a coil fitted and I'm going to become a lesbian!
DENNIS: And the Square will welcome you back with open arms I bet :lol:
VICKI: You don't hate me do you?
DENNIS: Hate you? For what? Not selling your baby onto us? Oh Vicki, don't be stupid :huggles: I just wanna know my little sister's OK!
VICKI: She is. And she loves you :wub:
DENNIS: That's cos she's bloody lucky to have me :P
VICKI: I know :lol:
DENNIS: Take care sis. 

dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com has just signed in

New message received
From: Lan

Vicki's done what? :angry:

From: Lanna.Rickman76@yahoo.ca
To: Trina0803@yahoo.ca
Subject: Vicki

I just can't believe it! After everything me and Dennis have gone through, Vicki goes out and gets knocked up (again :rolleyes:) by some faceless bastard she has no name for! It's not fair. And Sharon, Jesus Christ, I really thought she understood this all hurt Trine, but she just let Vicki toddle off with her step-mum and get another abortion. Thought they were totally against using abortions as contraception in Britain - in any self-respecting country for fuck's sake! :angry: I'm so mad I could spit. That was a baby, how could they just let her get rid? :crie: Dennis, the bastard forgot to tell me that bit - he let me congratulate the selfish bitch, maybe even be happy for her before he drops the little bombshell that she's gone and gotten rid.

And I at least thought Dennis would have an opinion but he hasn't said anything. Just that it's Vicki's choice. If she's gonna be so damn stupid, she shouldn't be allowed choices!

New message received
From: Trina

Seriously Dennis, you need to talk to Lanna. She's just told me about Vicki's abortion and she is not happy! I mean, I see why, but the stuff she's coming out with. She needs you right now - make her see sense, cos I don't know how! :confused2:

Ringing...
Dennis

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please-

New message received
From: Lanna

Sorry if this wakes you babe, but I thought I'd let you know my bastard husband just rolled in. <_< Sober enough to know he's in the doghouse for the forseeable. Can't stand to have him near me!

Calling...
Sharon

(Hinder: Lips Of An Angel)

Honey, why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey, why you crying; is everything OK?
I gotta whisper cos I can't be too loud.

"Dennis?"

"Sharon... darlin', what's wrong?"

"Everything." she whimpered, biting into her sob trying to keep it back. "I'm twisted, I'm ill, I- there must be something wrong with me..."

"Hey, hey, calm down. Just tell me, what is it?"

"Have- Have you spoken to Vicki?"

"Yeah, a little. Is this... about the baby?"

"Yeah. No! Oh I... it's about you."

"Me?" Dennis quizzed, straightening his back as he swang his legs to the floor. "Oh no Sharon, I'm fine. Really. It's Vicki's life... as long as she's alright..."

"I'm not talking about that." Sharon murmured, her resolve to get her actual words out dying away. "I was thinking... and I shouldn't have been... but I was thinking about us."

"No-one's ever said you can't think about it."

"No? Well I bet... Matt and Lanna-"

"Shhh. This ain't about them is it? Or you wouldn't be calling me..."

"I shouldn't be."

"But you have. And I'm here so-"

"Vicki thinks that her getting rid of the baby, I was pitying you and Lanna. But I wasn't. My God, I like the woman, I really do. But I was just thinking of you. Everything we should have had together."

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

"And I guess I just wanna know... how did I lose you, Dennis? Cos I miss you."

It's really good to hear your voice 
Saying my name - it sounds so sweet
Hearing those words coming from 
The lips of an angel - it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

"You didn't lose me." he assured her gently, aware that his mouth was running dry as the words left it. "You're never gonna lose me, remember that?"

"Yeah." she returned sadly. "And I also remember this bloody war you won't leave. What if I really lose you? What am I supposed to do then? What's anyone supposed to do?"

"Forget me. I'll feel less guilty then."

"I loved you though..."

"Yeah." he agreed awkwardly. "But you moved on. You've got Matt."

Does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight?

"And you have Lanna."

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice 
Saying my name - it sounds so sweet
Hearing those words coming from 
The lips of an angel - it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

"Maybe."

Call connected

"Maybe's not good enough darlin'. Not for me. Cos I could have been her y'know. Maybe means I could still be the one... there with you. And I need you to tell me there's no chance."

"Why?"

She laughed bitterly. "Because it's all meant to be part of the past. But... all this stuff with babies, I... I'm just not over it. I'm pathetic. And I shouldn't be wanting Lanna's future. February's not that far away y'know..."

And even in his tiredness, Dennis finally understood, in the kind of way that Chelle would be proud of. "You want me to tell you I'd rather go back and die in this war than say I love you. Oh Sharon, I thought you understood. I take chances, I don't make 'em."

"So I'm... a chance?"

"Yeah. Exactly."

"One you'd take?"

"Always. OK?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, I shouldn't interfere like this."

"Yeah well, there ain't all that much to interfere in."

"Still, you know I'm always here right?"

"Yeah. You best not be going anywhere."

"Like I would. Goodnight darlin'."

"Night."

Call ended
01:32

New message received
From: Trina

Babe, this is stupid. How come you can keep ranting at me til the early hours of the morning, but you can't talk to him? Tear strips out of him if you have to, but you're never gonna get anywhere if you don't talk about it!

(The Fray: How To Save A Life)

Step one: You say "We need to talk"
He walks. You say "Sit down, it's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through.
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came.
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.
Let him know that you know best cos after all
You do know best.
Try to slip past his defence, without granting innocence.
Lay down a list of what is wrong, things you told him all along.
Pray to God he hears you - and pray to God he hears you.
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.
As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours
And grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road or break with the ones you follow.
He will do one of two things; he will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same and you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.
How to save a life
How to save a life

New message received
From: Lanna

We've talked. That's it.

New message received
From: Trina

What's it? :unsure:

New message received
From: Lanna

My marriage is over :crie:

New message received
From: Lanna

Sharon, if my husband turns up at your door, don't turn him away :nono: I hate to say this, but you've got me beat. We're finished and believe me, I wish you the best of luck :huggles:

Ringing...
Dennis

The mobile you are calling is switched off. Please leave a-

Message sent
To: Matt, Chelle, Chrissie

I just got the most random text from Lanna. It sounds as if she & Dennis have split up :blink:

New message received
From: Matt

Wow. The whole baby thing must have gotten really rough :confused2: Do you know if he's OK? :unsure:

New message received
From: Sharon

:nooo: His phone's switched off and I daren't rely on Lanna wanting to talk to me! I'm so bloody worried about him :(

Ringing...
Dennis

Missed calls: 19
From: Chrissie (5)
Matt (3)
Sharon (7)
Chelle (4)

New voicemail messages received: 4

From: Chrissie

"Dennis? Look babe, this isn't funny anymore, you'll actually have to talk to one of us sooner or later. Sharon tells me she got a text off Lanna... you two have split up? It's not true is it? Please... just, call. We have no idea what we're supposed to tell Vicki. We're frightened she'll, I don't know, blame herself, with the abortion and everything..."

From: Matt

"Dennis, mate. Look, I know this is none of my business and believe me, I'll keep well away if you want, but you've got Sharon here going out of her mind after what your missus put in her text. And to be honest, it ain't all that straight in my head either. What's this all about? I thought you were meant to really be giving it a go? Just let the girls know you're OK yeah?"

From: Sharon

"Darlin', please I'm going crazy. There's stuff I...  you and Lanna? Please tell me this isn't cos of what I said the other night. Oh Dennis, I never wanted this to happen, not if... you don't too. I was scared that's all. I'd... had this dream. Nightmare. And all I could do was watch you. You in Basra. I don't wanna say this, but it's what made me realise. I watched you die. And I woke up drowning in my own tears. I believed it. And I don't want to. I never want to lose you. I need you for Christ's sake. Please, don't let all these horrible things happen because of me. You need to think of what you're doing to Lanna. If there's anything left, I want you to work on it."

From: Chelle

"Rickman! Oh for God's sake, there's just no point bothering with this is there? You're never gonna pick the bloody thing up. I'm off to try a different approach."

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Seperation

Is it or is it not true, cos if you don't already know, let me tell ya, you've got Sharon into one hell of a state. Look Dennis, please go ahead and do what you're gonna do, but if your plan reads anything like I think it does, let me warn you now that if you ever cause my best friend to so much as sniffle in upset, I will make the war seem welcoming.

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Seperation

Great. Cheers Chelle, thanks. :knod:

Why is it that it's easier to talk to you, even after a promise like that? This world is seriously twisted :rolleyes:

Yes, it's true. We talked it out and as much as I think of Lanna, there's nothing to hold us together anymore. You know better than anyone that trying for a baby was a last ditch attempt anyway. And she just can't accept Vicki's abortion. Me, I'm more shocked that Vicki managed to get herself into that mess twice, which is what everyone seems to be worrying about. They think she'll blame herself. I think that's ridiculous but I'm guessing Vicki still hasn't been told. Does it fall to me then?

I tried to make Lanna see you know, I don't just wanna walk out on my marriage, but... I can't have so much aminosity between my wife and my sister. Vicki did what was right for her and that's all she can do. Lanna just sees this other life. And yeah, she can be pro-life or whatever, but it's not that and I know it. It's because it's a baby, a baby she won't have. But that don't make no odds to me. If we coulda done it, I woulda wanted to do it only if the baby coulda been part of me & Lanna. I'm not guilt-tripping my chances out of my baby sister. I'm better than that and if that means I have to walk away, then I will.

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Seperation

So you've got no plans to hone in on Sharon then?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Seperation

You make me sound like some sorta predator :rolleyes: No Chelle, I haven't. I still feel for her, so much, but I know what she feels too and I love her enough to know the last thing I wanna do to her is make her a war widow. She fears it too now. So, I'm gonna leave her to be happy with Matt. And if just so happens you do find yourself scattering my remains thanks to this war, let Sharon know that eh? If I can't be, then it's all I want to know that she's safe.

Sharon,

Couldn't go putting this into a text and I have absolutely no bloody idea how I'd say it to your face. I mean, I don't want to but I can figure what it is you want and honestly, it's fair enough. So this is me, finishing with you, just so I don't really have to hear the reason when you come to me and do the same. Cos I know you will now, now that there's no Lanna. And I wish you luck darlin', I really do, because you are definitely something special and I've loved being with you. But now, there's no reason to pretend is there? I think we all know who you really belong to. And I hope, somehow, with his kinda life, that he manages to make you happy because after everything, you deserve it.

Friends yeah?

Love,

Matt
xxx

Ringing...
Matt

"Sharon."

"I... I got your note."

"Was the idea."

"Please Matt, you don't have to... we could-"

"No, we couldn't." Matt sighed, not even needing her to form a full sentence before he saw that he could disagree. "It's been fun yeah? But I think too much of you to keep you living some lie. Call Dennis. If he's got any functioning brain cells left, he'll have you back like a shot."

"It's not that easy though is it? Vicki... Chrissie-"

"Sharon, you've all spent God knows how long waiting for him to come back from Iraq in a box. If he's happy then I'm guessing that who he's sleeping with is gonna be the last thing they care about."

"I don't know..."

"...and you won't until you try."

"How can you be so nice?" she enquired weakly.

"Because I care about you. And like I say, I want us to be friends. And friends want each other to be happy. So - call - Dennis."

Call ended
00:24

Message sent
To: Chelle

I've just been dumped :blink:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Matt...

Has just dumped Sharon. Now I don't know how much more obvious you need it made over there Dennis, but he's actually finished with her to clear the way for you. He's said as much and Sharon's accepted it. Isn't that telling you something? :confused2:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Matt...

Yeah, but it don't mean I've got the guts to do anything about it. I can't hurt her again Chelle, not for anything. And I, well, I go back to Basra next month, so what I'm doing then if I'm not crucifying her? What right have I got to ask her to wait if I might not come home at all?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: Ticket

Have you listened to yourself recently? I swear to God, I'm booking your ticket for you! :rolleyes:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Ticket

No, look, just... give a guy a chance to work up the courage eh?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Ticket

You mean chance to bottle out :rolleyes:

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Ticket

Jesus Christ Chelle, aren't you prepared to cut me any slack here? <_< What am I supposed to do? Fly back to London and just say "Oh hey Sharon, still totally in love with you darlin', despite the fact I made you watch me marry someone else, but never mind, cos for my next trick, I'm off to get myself killed in the line of duty." Don't I at least have to be worth it?

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Ticket

:knod: Which means you have to work out what matters to you more. Losing this war or losing Sharon?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: Sharon

What kind of question is that? You know it's not as easy as that Chelle. You can't just walk out on a war y'know :rolleyes:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: Sharon

Where there's a will, Dennis - isn't that what they say?

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: RE: Sharon

Alright, fine. :knod: Just give me a couple of weeks yeah; I'm gonna need them to sort all this out if you're really expecting me to do this (and more importantly, expecting it to work :unsure:) If I haven't gone by Valentine's Day, then you can book the bloody flight for me OK? 

Sharon@AngiesDen.yahoo.com has just signed in

SHARON: Dennis? You around? :unsure:
DENNIS: :knod: Hey.
SHARON: Hey back at you :P
DENNIS: I was hoping you'd log on today.
SHARON: What, so you can't just text me anymore?
DENNIS: Nah. Not brave enough.
SHARON: I can't believe that just came out the mouth of a Corpral :lol: You are the bravest person I know :wub:
DENNIS: And also the biggest idiot.
SHARON: Maybe :P Oh, what's up darlin', what have you done? :huggles:
DENNIS: Nothing :nono: I've just been thinking about you.
SHARON: It's a pretty common past-time :eyewink:
DENNIS: :P 
DENNIS: D'you think I could come back to Walford? I think we need to talk some stuff out.
SHARON: Maybe you're right :knod:

dennis.rickman194@fsnet.com may not reply because his/her status is set to Busy

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: Vickster86@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Me & Lanna

Apparantly sis, you're the only one in the "family" that doesn't know yet. And I don't want it to be like that for you. I'm hoping to come see you back in Walford in the next couple of weeks, and you shouldn't have to wait til then to know the truth. And that is that me & Lanna have decided to split up. Trying for a baby was a bit of a desperate attempt to hold us together and now that we know it won't happen... we're pretty much done.

Seriously Vicks, don't you ever go in for that summer romance stuff. It looks cute in the kind of books you and Chrissie swallow I guess, but it's a mess in practice. I loved Lanna, I did, but... marrying her... I think that was just... both of us wanting to prove we could do something normal. Except there ain't nothing normal in the kind of life we were living. We were too used to blood and war and normal trashed us. So take my advice kid, get an office job and starting going out with the good looking bloke that hangs out by the water cooler :knod:

I'll see you soon :wub:

New message received
From: Chelle

I make it February 13th today Dennis :knod: I have my credit card at hand to book you a flight at a cruel hour of the morning if I have to...

New message received
From: Dennis

Well, happily for you, you don't have to bother do you? I'm already at the terminal. And I'm bricking it. What the hell if she, oh God, I dunno!

New message received
From: Chelle

Throws her arms round you? Jumps on you? Rams her tongue down your throat? Starts tearing your clothes off? Seriously Dennis, as long as you're honest with her, you're not gonna go wrong here OK? :huggles:

New message received
From: Dennis

You better be right cos they've just called my flight :mellow: Be expecting loooong e-mails!

Calling...
Dennis

"Dennis? darlin', you alright?"

"I dunno. I guess you'll be telling me that one."

Sharon laughed nervously. "Sorry?"

"I'm at Heathrow yeah? And I... I don't want you to tell Vicki. I just want you to come down here and I wanna talk to you. And if it... then I'll just... turn round and get on another plane. But I need to talk to just you."

"Well... alright... But you should have told me you were coming."

"Nah. If I'd done that I'd never have got on the plane in Toronto-"

"Dennis, what's the matter with you? Denn-"

Call ended
00:11

Welcome to the Orange answerphone for 07591729345. The person you are calling is not available. Please leave a message after the tone.

"Dennis? C'mon darlin', I'm stood in the terminal and I just can't... where are you? What's this about? Please, you're making me nervous, just.... oh! You're right over there. And you're grinning at me cos you know I'm stood here like an idiot wittering into your bloody voicemail. You're a git Dennis Rickman, and I'm going now, goodbye!"

From: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
To: ChelF69@msn.com
Subject: E-mail from Sharon?

Have you had one cos if you have, I'm not about to bloody write it all again :rolleyes:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: RE: E-mail from Sharon?

I dunno why I don't just lie to you and make you suffer like I have for you two :rolleyes: But yes, I have an e-mail :knod: Do you wanna see it? :confused2:

From: ChelF69@msn.com
To: dennis.rickman1974@fsnet.com
Subject: FW: :crazy:

Jesus Christ Chelle, where do I start?

He's back... he don't wanna leave me again :wub:

Right, beginning...

Dennis called me. Wanted me to meet him at the airport, just me, wanted us to talk. And I'm not stupid I know what he wanted to talk about and I've been dreading it... forever. I mean, I don't know how to deny anything. I knew I had to to make it easier but I just saw him there and I didn't want to :nono: I just wanted him. And it was like, no Lanna, no Matt, I didn't have to lie. I could tell him :D And I didn't even dare be scared. What right did I have when Dennis had lived through a war. He amazes me. I could never be as brave as he is. He's an idiot too, but he's brave :wub: That counts for something massive in my book.

I ran over to him and that moment of silence came. It's like a friend to us now, we just look at each other, like we're totally amazed that he's stood in front of me, and I'm there in front of him. He picked my hands up, looked down at the floor and said; "You nearly went flying y'know!"

:rolleyes:

"Oh shut up."

And shock of shocks - he did! :O Just looked at me :wub:

"Dennis?"

"Mmmm?"

And then's when the potentially :blush: Oh my God curl-up-and-die moment arrived. Because I stretched up and tried to kiss him, trying my luck I guess, checking we were singing from the same hymn sheet or whatever the bloody hell you'd call it. And what felt worse was that he was smiling as he pushed me back. Shook his head and a little bit, put his hand in his pocket and said; "There's something I need you to see first."

And he handed me this envelope - addressed to Corpral Dennis Rickman. Still don't have my head round that one. He's still just Dennis to me :wub:

"What's this?"

"My hand luggage."

And I was shaking. He'd already opened it of course, but I couldn't even pull the seal :rolleyes: But he just waited til I'd shaken the sheet out. Not that I knew what I was looking at. :confused2:

"Honorable discharge." he whispered. "I'm not going back."

I swear, I nearly fell over. "Wha-why-how?"

"I finished my designated tour of duty. I don't have to take another. So I'm not gonna. I'd rather get back on the door in the club. And if you'll have me, then I-"

The look on his face Chelle :lovehearts: Was all I needed :wub:

"-don't need you to finish that sentence."

Because I kissed him. On the mouth, like I used to. And I've missed him. I've missed him so much.

I slid my hand beneath his jacket and pulled his mobile from his inside pocket. Then I moved back, but God - I don't know how anyone stops kissing a mouth like that.

"Call Vicki." I told him. "Tell her what you want. And if she says it's fine by her, then it is by me."

I might have seen this tiniest flicker of panic, but the darlin' understood, dialled her number.

"What if it isn't Sharon? What if she can't-? What if she won't-"

"We don't know that yet."

He must have jumped about a mile when the call connected. He started shifting his weight from foot to foot and it was obvious he was desperate to start pacing. So I kept hold of his other hand :wub:

"Vicki! God darlin', this is gonna be the weirdest call you've ever answered but... yeah, yeah I'm fine. Well, it sounds to me like that's up to you really. Vicks, I need you to answer me a question. If... If Sharon and me... no! God, will you just slow down? I can't explain myself til you've answered the question. Yeah, I know, I fucked it up, but maybe I'm learning from my mistakes eh? I wanna be with Sharon, I really wanna make it work. No, of course I wouldn't do that! Well, it's lucky I got myself discharged then innit? Ow! Vicki! Eardrum! Yeah, it means I don't go back. It means I want my life to be with you girls back in Walford. But my problem there is, I meant it. I need to be with Sharon. And she don't seem to think she could be with me if you don't say it's OK. So please Vicki... make it OK. I'd do anything for you darlin', y'know that? Yeah - including stay at home! Just... say-"

And he looked at me, and we waited. It was like the world all cos of your bloody daughter's indecision :rolleyes:

But then that smile broke out across his face and I knew. Almost knocked the phone out of his hand I hugged him so tight, flying at him like that, saying "Thank you!" over and over like Vicki could hear me. She reckons she could :rolleyes: I'm doubtful.

But the point is, I have him back :crie: Forever - just like he promised me :wub: because I am never letting him go again :nono:

Cos even Vicki :wub: knows he's my darlin'. And I'm gonna keep him safe.

And I am gonna make sure that Tommy & Gina bloody well make it! :knod:

Daniel, Sophia & Euan Beckworth
are invited to witness the marriage of
Sharon Ann Watts
to
Dennis James Rickman
on
Tuesday 14th August 2007
at
St. Mary's Church, Walford
11am
with a reception to follow at
The Astoria, E19 

RSVP by July 1st

Daniel, Sophia & Euan,
I'm not sure I'll be remembered, but I figured this was worth a shot. My name's Dennis Rickman and I trained with Will in the summer of 2005. I met you all at his funeral last year; Sophia, you returned his letters. But I'm afraid, there was one note on which I was not entirely truthful that weekend. The woman you met was not my wife, but a long-time friend. Will knew a lot about her and encouraged me to pursue the relationship when I had no courage. Of course, I didn't, because I married another. Will would have told me I was an idiot and he'd have been right too because I was recently divorced. And I like to think that Will brought Sharon and me together again, and since I cannot ask him to witness our wedding himself, I'm asking the rest of the Beckworth family, in the hope that somehow Will might follow you all. I sought my discharge from the Army this autumn because more than winning this war, I want to spend my life with the woman I love and I know that your son (and brother) would have admired that as much as I still admire and miss him.

The both of us hope you are well and that we'll hear from you soon. 
Love and best wishes,
Dennis & Sharon
xxxx

The End