What Do We Do?

Happy Christmas Kelly Ann, I love you 

Saturday 25th December 2004

I had to accept my chance was gone the very second that stupid, foolish little girl stood up at my family's table and uttered those venemous words, to rip the heart right from me, to tear my darlin' from my arms. Because I wasn't the one that could belong there anymore.

"Dennis, we're having a baby."

Oh God, what I would have given to be the one to say those words to him. But they weren't mine. Telling me it's me he loves, Zoe... she keeps her hold because she can give him the one thing I never will, the one thing I would give anything for. Because he belongs to me, we should have a family of our own. But that's not my choice anymore, not even my own fantasy. Because Dennis, the love of my life, has made his reality with a child of his own, just like he's always wanted.

And yet, as the tears welled in my eyes, I could still his face. And in being given everything he could ever have wanted and in so few words, I saw he looked not only as shocked, but as devestated as me. I had to get away, because just in that second I could feel it all falling apart. I was gonna lose my darlin', Zoe stealing all my strength to fight in winning life's most wonderful prize for herself. My Dennis... and his baby. How dare she have what I could never know? I was the one that loved him... he loved me. It was me he wanted to spend his life with, and that would have been enough for me. But Zoe, she's having his baby? Some helpless, innocent little baby that I can never compete with. Oh how selfish it'd be to try.

I race upstairs, wishing I could tear the walls down and just escape. I hear him calling him my name as he follows me, but what use is it? He isn't mine anymore... and I still love him so completely. And he comes in and tells me he still loves me too. I want to cling to him, and never let him go because... us.... it's all I have. I just want him. But he's got himself one Hell of a mess to sort out, tearing himself away from his pregnant girlfriend, while I, I finish my packing like I don't have a care in the world. How has this made me so damn cold?

Oh I'm not. Because he goes straight after her to "sort it out", that's what he said. But I'm feeling so lonely as I fold my clothes, trying to find space in my bags for them, wishing I didn't have to go back to living life like this. I know it'll be worth it if I have Dennis, but... what if? What if he isn't coming back to me? I love him, but.... he's having a child with another woman, no... a child. How can he expect that not to kill me on the inside? Because I know, all he wanted was the chance to prove he could be better than Dad has been to the two of us? How can I be the one that asks him to walk away? What kind of love is that?

He'll say he loves me, and I'll want to believe him because once it was true. But it isn't just us anymore and if I love him at all, I have to let him be what we both know he needs to. I can say I've always hated Zoe for taking, for flaunting what's mine. But her child can never be mine and it's still Dennis'. I won't blame an innocent life, she's made me see I just can't do that. I can't do that to Dennis, and I can't even bring myself, with all the hatred I have reserved for her, to do it to Zoe. Because she's not just a rival anymore. She's the mother of his child, the child I know he wants so much, whatever he says. Zoe and that baby don't deserve to be alone because Dennis and me were selfish, stupid enough to never stop loving each other.

I can't pretend that seeing Dennis in the darkness of the Vic's bar with Dad don't make me queasy. There's only one reason I lost my darlin' the first time, and if I have to go, I won't let him doubt that what I feel for him is true. But as we're left alone, knowing what I have to say to such sorrowful eyes, oh God, the tears rush, ready to fall from my itching eyes.

"What we gonna do?" he murmurs tiredly. "One minute I think I've got it straight in my head, the next..."

My legs wobble beneath me as I move around the bar, wishing some happiness come remain behind the defeated smile I send his way.

"It's over." I say simply, feeling the first pieces of my heart separate as I say the words as he looks at me. "This... you and me, it's gone."

What are we waiting for?
This is not working anymore.
It might have done before
What's the point in making sure?

"She's pregnant with your child. I just spoke to her, Dennis and no matter what we say, we're always gonna come back to this aren't we? You're gonna have a child and you're gonna run out on it? Never see it? Just like I never saw my parents... just like you never saw Dad. I think we both know that ain't gonna happen."

Oh, my voice is barely a whisper, but for the burden of my words, so heavy with their painstaking truth, I can feel it threatening to shatter. And Dennis, he just can't bring himself to make sense of any of it. Maybe it hurts too much. He looks tragically bewildered and I wish there was something I could do to make it better for him. But he did this, this was never what I wanted. And I can't stay here, not now.

"Maybe- Maybe we could-"

There's no solution and in his hesitation, Dennis proves to me he knows that too. "How? We both know what it feels like to be abandoned, and I couldn't live with that on my conscience, could you?"

I see his lip tremble as he shakes his head, whimpering; "I don't love her" and I want to take him in my arms and believe him. But the truth of those won't ever make him mine again. So I can barely look at him, struggling for words to make him embrace the life we must live.... apart.

"Well... without me around, it... it might grow."  

But his shattered reply devestates me. "Without you?" he whispers, eyes sparkling with tears I would never have believed he could weep. "Without... you?"

And I'm scrabbling for more words of distanced reassurance, I'm desperate. "Dennis, you don't know what you're feeling. You're hurt, you're-"

"I know what I feel, Sharon." he cuts in certainly. And I can hardly bear to hear his next words, but they come out more sincere, more anxious for me to believe than they ever have before. "I love you. I could... be a father and we could still be together."

No! No, darlin'.

"But I can't stick around and watch you do that, you know I can't! Please.... tell me I'm not the only one feeling this?"

So I'll make it easy on you and I'll even help you leave
We don't have to make a scene

And his sobs, they're choking him. He gasps painfully on the word. I watch the tears overpowering him and I cry harder as he answers. "No."

I fall into his arms, crying like I'll never stop, knowing I'll never allow myself to feel this closeness again, the gentleness of him holding me... stroking through my hair, kissing my crown.... like a lover would do.

"I can't believe this is happening." he gasps out in that shattered whispered. "I just can't."

The horn sounding for me outside is the only reason I can bring myself to pull back from his arms, trying to compose myself, trying not to break. "My cab's outside."

I flinch as the door swings open, and Zoe stands there, shivering with her bare skin exposed, her clothes so thin, her make-up ruined. She looks so... vulnerable. She looks between Dennis and me with such suspicion, such desperation in her young, bright eyes and it reminds me I cannot do the things I long to. Just to kiss his mouth, once more. I mustn't. I can't. But Dennis, so broken, barely sees her, instead lurching for my elbow.

"What, you were just going to go? You're really giving up on... us?"

I look to Zoe, and sympathy almost kicks, round about where my lover's child will inside her in a few months' time. I can barely force myself to smile as I refocuss on his tear-stained face, cautiously reaching up and pressing my shivering palm to his face, stroking the miserable diamonds away from his eyes.

"I have no choice."

He jerks, staring guiltily at the floor as he grips my hand so fiercely, tenderly stroking my fingertips apart. "But I did."

A lump swells in my throat. I can't lie to him. Not even now. "Maybe."

"I didn't mean to do this. Sharon, please believe me, I never meant..."

"Shhhh." I soothe shakily. "This is just... the way things are."

"Why?" he demands fiercely, squeezing my hand so tight the blood drains away. "Why does it have to be now?"

I'm helpless to answer him. I wish I knew too.

Only, something suddenly seems to inspire him, in the ugliest of ways. He sniffles and wipes at his streaming eyes with the back of his hand to hide his weakness from Zoe and me, and he turns to her, suspicion alive in those beautiful eyes as he repeats himself. "Why, Zo? Why now?"

"I told you..." she mumbles frightfully. "I thought you wouldn't-"

"What?" he demands, a little colder now. "Want this baby? Or you thought I wouldn't wanna be with Sharon?"

And I watch her flinch in disgust as he says my name.

"I just don't understand." she whines. "I thought you were with me!"

"But I'm not am I, not really. And is this baby... is it your way of getting me to stay? Here... with you, living out a nice family Christmas?"

She breaks down in tears and guilt is stabbing. He's not being fair. He has to take responsbility for this child too.

"Dennis...." I whisper cautiously, tugging to pull my hand free from his grasp. "Please... Vicki's waiting."

For a second, he's rigid, unable to take his raging eyes from Zoe's wretched form. But then, it appears he heard me. He edges up his shirt and rips his wallet from his back pocket, flipping it open and tearing three rumpled twenties from the back. He forces them into my hand.

"Make her wait."

"I can't do that."

So what do we do about it?
Why do we fool ourselves some time away makes everything alright?
How do we breathe without it?
How do we cope without what might just be the best days of our lives?

"Please...."

Reluctantly, just that whisper, I go out into the cold of the night, where my equally devestated little sister stands shivering on the kerb next to her case. I smile weakly at her and lean in to the driver's window, handing him the cash and instructing; "Keep the meter running for a bit longer yeah? I appreciate it."

Vicki straightens up in alarm and tails me back into the pub. "Sharon, what's going-"

But she's silenced when she sees the state of Dennis, the sombriety of the atmosphere. She picks her way slowly over to him, her eyes travelling sadly over his mesmerising face. Without a word, she throws her arms round him and they hold each other close.

She drops back onto the balls of her feet and whispers; "What's going on, bro?"

Still staring at the ground, Dennis shrugs childishly and mumbles; "It ain't happening like this, Vicks." And just like that, he turns away from her, a new determination in his heavy step. I want to chase him, I wanna make him see we can't hold on anymore, that things are different now, whatever we feel, but I'm the only one that doesn't move, too heavy. Vicki's concern pushes her forward and  Zoe's desperation has her almost tripping over her own feet. I stay where I am, but I hear this great gabble following him up the stairs. I don't hear him say a word. There's lots of crashing around, then Zoe yelling;

"No! I won't!"

"I told ya, Zo!" Dennis yells back, making even me flinch with the sudden volume of his voice. "It's too convienent. You know this ain't what I want, you know I want her, and I won't be kept!"

There's lots of pounding against the stairs, and my spine freezes rigid. I'm almost relieved to see Vicki rushing back into the bar, even if she does look a little flustered. I rush forward, pleading; "Oh Vicki, darlin', what's going on?"

But she looks down, shaking her head in a way that says she barely understands either as she squeezes my hand and looks towards the door, obviously expecting Zoe & Dennis' entrance any moment.

He looks so riled, so angry. Surely he knows that's no good anymore?

"Dennis?" I push, moving forward half a stride to reach for him. But he freezes, his lip trembling again as he looks at me, as if my presence here makes whatever he needs to do even harder. Maybe I shoulda just said goodbye. 

Clenched in his pale fist are two cardboard tubes. He's shaking as he releases his grip so they land on the bar with a meek clatter that somehow still manages to make Zoe leap a foot in the air.

"My bags are packed, Zo. Unless you can give me a real reason to stay, I'm leaving with Sharon! And I mean that."

"No!" she sobs, tears slipping from her eyes. "You wouldn't leave us, you wouldn't."

"No." he replies, licking his cracked lips nervously. "I won't leave my baby. So show me that's what we've got."

He reaches across the bar and hands her one of the cardboard tubes. And that's when I realise what it is. It's a pregnancy test. He found them in the back of the bathroom cupboard. Chrissie hides them there, just hoping that one day she'll have cause to break the same news to my dad as Zoe has done today to my own lover.

"Why should I?" Zoe sniffs. "Why don't you trust me?"

He claws his lip back to stop it trembling as more tears sparkle in his eyes. "Because if I do, I lose everything. And I can't do that."

And the look he gives me is so piercing, I have to close my eyes to escape the intensity of it, because I just can't handle it, I don't want to break down here.

"But it's OK to make me do.... everything on my own? Just so you and her..."

"No. No it ain't. And if this is positive, you don't have to be on your own."

No. I do.

"I'm not doing it!"

Somehow, I find my voice. I step up to the bar and curl my hand around the other box. "C'mon, Zo."

Her lip curls. Her eyes flare. "What?"

"I'll do one too."

"Why?"

My chest tightens. "Truthfully? Because I... I want to be you. I don't wanna hurt like this. I want the life you're going to have. But it isn't mine, is it? So..." I continue in a heavy breath. "...maybe this is me, wishing you... and your baby good luck. You don't need to feel lonely and I'm sorry I made you feel like that. But I can't help that I love him too."

I step back towards the loo. I see Dennis look at me in bewilderment out the corner of his eye, but I shake my head, watching him as she simply waits for Zoe to take the other test from him. There's nothing in his face as as she shakes, I know she's searching for it.

"I'm not enough to make you stay am I?"

"I'm sorry." he says at last, no conviction in the words. I rush into the loos, locking myself in the cubicle, sat on the lid. The door to the cubicle beside me crashes open, making such a forceful contact, the thin partition between us shudders. The lid clatters and there's a thud as Zoe throws herself down, already crying desperately. I try and ignore it, sticking to my word and shaking out the test. I certainly don't need to bother reading the leaflet. I've done too many of these, hoping for too much when I know it'll never be mine. Oh God, why am I wanting to ease the emotions of the little girl that's stolen my life from me? Why can I not just run? I'm good at that, why am I still here, just to know this agony again?

But I do the test, throwing the box into the bin and holding the wand in my shaking hand as I go out to the sinks, turning round and tapping on the closed door of the neighbouring cubicle.

"Are you done?"

"What do you care?" she spits back.

"Zoe, please..."

The lock is wrenched across with a clatter, her brandishing her testing wand like a knife. "You won't have him! You'll never have him."

"I know." I manage to croak. "And it's his own damn fault."

"He wants the baby."

"I want him to have the baby." I retort hotly. "You think we did any of this to spite you?"

"Bet you couldn't wait." she snarls accusingly.

"It wasn't like that. Dennis has done us both wrong, but you win. And in two minutes, the proof's gonna be here for all the world to see. You're gonna have what I never will with the man of our dreams. You've got no right to resent me." 

Now my heart is feeling tired, cos being civil's getting hard

And with that, I turn on my heel and wrench open the door to go back into the bar. Dad & Chrissie are here now too, making it all into a proper, heartbreaking spectacle. But I try and ignore that, laying my test gently on the bar, mumbling; "I'm sorry, Chrissie."

Zoe's barely a second behind me, laying her wand down beside mine, mumbles the same thing. "Sorry."

I step back and move around the bar, focussing my attention on pouring myself a glass of rosé from the uncorked bottle. I try not to look at anyone but my dad steps up to me, mumbling; "What is this madness, Princess?"

"We need to know, Dad." I tell him sadly. "We all do."

"The girl's pregnant!" he huffs, as if the very suggestion is absurd. "There's nothing else to it."

"Yeah well, we'll see."

Vicki and Chrissie hardly know where to place themselves, but at least they only have to look uncomfortable. Dennis & Zoe look terrified, I don't think either of them are ready for the truth. But where does that leave me? In a matter of seconds, I'll have nothing, my lover lost.

The misery closing my throat over, I grab the wine bottle and refill my drained glass, glugging it back without a thought. When I dare to open my eyes, I find Dennis cautiously approaching the bar. His lips quiver, ready to dispel words. But I can barely stand to hear them.

"Sharon, you don't have to-"

"Save it eh? I'm not the one you got pregnant."

I wince as he looks back at me, so hurt. That isn't what I meant to do but then he brought us here. He turns and goes back towards Zoe but she still looks terrified, eyes fixed on a spot on the floor, shivering and hardly bothering to recognise his approach. He is resigned to being just as lost as the rest of us, unable to stop himself being drawn into a battle of dark looks with Dad. In fact they seem to be the only two that can bring themselves to look anywhere at all. Zoe just keeps on shaking, Vicki and Chrissie keep nibbling at their glossy lips and I... I just keep drinking.

Until Dad's voice, calm, level and bright even, announces; "They're up."

He disgusts by the way he manages to smile, pressing his hand comfortingly over Zoe's arm to lead her back towards the bar. But she looks just as repulsed. This truth might get her my man, but it don't mean she's ready, or even wants the rest. Not if she's like Vicki. Vicki just wanted to live her own life. And mybe Dennis is right, maybe Zoe sees no other way to keep him in hers, but she's still giving him something he truly wants, something I never can.

Dennis hangs back, wanting to level my step, but there was no point. His eyes are half closed anyway, never wanting to know his fate, thinking he might be still be able to keep a hold of my hand... my heart.

But he has to let go. Cos I see exactly what he will. One bright pink line in one window. One line of stark blue in the other.

It takes so much to smile

The corners of Vicki's lips rise half-heartedly as she fights to guage my reaction But it's not her I'm looking at. I can see in Dennis' eyes... his heart is breaking. Just like mine. And we mustn't hold each other together anymore. We don't belong.

"Congratulations."

But my smile's not true and I bolt from behind the bar, towards the door and again, I can hear him calling my name.

"Sharon!"

The door swings again as he flies out onto the street, just to reach, tugging on my elbow to pull me round.

"Please!" I beg, fighting him off as the tears pour. "Just let me go!"

"I can't!" he cries out in reply, restraining my flailing arms by holding me tight against him as I break down. "You belong to me."

"No..." I sob, shaking my head desperately. "I want to. But I don't. That baby belongs to you. And I want to be happy for you darlin', but I can't. Not feeling the way I do. You have to let me go. Cos you're gonna be such a good dad, I know you are. I won't be the shadow you have in the relationship with your son or your daughter. Because at some time, someone in this family has gotta do things right."

There's no pain when we're apart. I can paint a picture for you
Say that everything's OK, if it would only make you stay

I stretch up, wrapping my arms tight around his neck, refusing to rebuke our closeness even as I hear the doors creak again, the tapping and scraping on the uneven pavement letting us know that the rest of this shambolic, shattered family has spilled out onto the cold winter streets, too afraid to leave us alone together. And perhaps that was best. My darlin' has his responsibilities now. But I still won't let him go, his breath warming the crook of my neck as he nestles into my shoulder and cries. He shakes so badly, but I just can't help but fold myself around him, whispering so privately into his chilled ear;

"I love you my darlin'."

And he straightens up, trying to compose himself. But his lips are thin and still. All he can do is nod, tears slipping down his cheeks. But he still has a hold on my frozen hand. He flattens it out carefully with his own and reaches into his pocket with the other. And into my hand, he drops that pathetic pink cracker ring and just for a second, I manage to smile, even through these tears.

"Forever." he murmurs hoarsely, like his voice will be stolen from him at any second. "I mean it."

I know he does. But a promise I can never have... oh, it's never going to mend a broken heart.

I curl my hand protectively over the ring, holding it in the safety of my fist. "Make them happy OK?"

He nods tearfully, turning away before I might see anymore tears fall. Vicki stands cautiously beside me and he almost falls down against her, holding her so tight she's choking on every cold breath as she wraps her arms around him.

"Take care of yourself, sis."

"Yeah." she chokes back. "You too and I'll see you soon, yeah?"

"I'll miss you..."

"No." she laughs weakly, snuggling against him. "I won't give you time. Start calling you at six in the morning again..."

"Promise?"

Her next shiver of laughter is more strained as she drops back, nodding gently. Blanching guiltily at her lip, she looks past his shoulder and murmurs at Zoe, who looks incredibly dazed, like she too cannot bear to take anything in. "Good luck Zo."

Her glossy lips quiver, but she can't say a word in reply. Vicki seems to understand that and... throwing her arms around Chrissie, pointedly forgets the father that hurt her so much in so few desperate words, and climbing into the backseat of the cab, wiping her eyes as she waits for me. I look round, wishing there was something I could do or say to make it alright for me and Vicki to stay surrounded by what we know. But I don't think either of us could take the pain now. I just don't know how I am supposed to walk away, turn my back and suddenly pretend I never felt anything quite this strong for the one I leave behind. There's just nothing else I can do. As ever, this is me, running from the agony of a cruel truth.

I push against the door and climb in too, flopping against Vicki, staring hard into the fibres of her coat. I won't raise my head, I won't make myself take in the image of more tears falling from his devestated eyes again. For his love, I have suffered enough. The cab trundles off, and I snuggle down more desperately against my sister. She holds me too, whispering so apologetically into my hair as I begin to cry. And it's only then it hits me. She wasn't angry. With Dennis and me. She just wanted to know the truth. And I think, if we'd thought to tell her, she woulda seen how badly how badly we needed to leave. And now we're all empty.

"I'm sorry Sharon." she mumbles pathetically as she kisses and strokes through my hair.

"So am I." I sniffle miserably, my head heavy against her shoulder. "It's just never gonna get any easier is it?"

It don't escape my notice she doesn't answer me. She knows better than anyone that loving Dennis has never proved any less than a battle. But what if there's nothing I can do to make myself stop?

So what do we do about it?
Why do we fool ourselves some time away makes everything alright?

I hardly know where Vicki and I are heading. The plane tickets stowed away in my bag were meant for Dennis and I. There were meant for tomorrow. What am I meant to do until then? Cry? Sob? Scream at the unfairness? Oh, I could and I... I probably will. I have no life anymore. I left him behind on a dreary London square that for so many years has taunted me like this, professing to be my home when all there is is heartache and the ensuing emptiness. I never asked for any of this. I never asked for Dennis to become the one I love so fiercely in this way. I don't want him to be the one I can't breathe without. But he is. So I can't. I see no point now anyway. I had to release him, for the sake of a baby that's never even gonna know I had any true place in his heart.

I bet I won't even be spoken about, and as Zoe begins to feel their baby moving inside of her... oh, she'll never stop smiling, so grateful I got up and left today. And it's then I find I resent her more intensely than ever. A spoilt little girl managing to steal away my darlin' in the simplest way. The cruellest way. And there's nothing I can do about it. And Zoe, she can just be smug. And Dennis? His tears will have to dry on their own. If I didn't love him so damn much, I could hate him too. Why did he have to make it be this way? We could have been together. And now there'll be nothing. 

I would have doubted her, I want to so badly. It was my first instinct after her shattering announcement. I think it's pretty much all that made me offer to do the other test. Because we all knew we'd only see one result from me. And I hoped, with all that remained within me, that if we could see it once, we might just see it twice and then Dennis was free to still be mine and I, alone, could be enough for him. But she is pregnant. I saw the truth form for myself. And I can never compete with my lover's child.

Oh God, what is he now? We aren't lovers, we can't bear the pretence of siblings and yet our father, our sister, they'll hold us together always, meaning that however far we run to escape what we truly need to be, we'll never escape each other, we'll never escape what we were, recover from the pain of this, our last goodbye.

I'm only pulled from the misery of recollection as Vicki shifts from beside me, scooting along the backseat, and my whole wrecked body lurches forward.

"C'mon..." she murmurs, fiercely clasping my hands, the force of the wind beating around us whipping up our hair. "...no more tears alright?"

I shiver guiltily, sniffling.

She releases a gentle breath and bundles me into her arms, holding me tight as she rocks me.

"Let's go wash your face eh?"

I nod meekly and, the engine of our cab still running much like the meter, I let her lead me into the warmth of the service station, that today look like the edges of the very earth, the only place you'd find even half open on Christmas Day. The door to the ladies squeaks as Vicki forces her weight against it, but I step through and rush to the sinks, trying to ignore my haggard. blotchy reflection as I stoop to splash cool water over my tear-stained face. 

"Ugh." I moan, staggering to pull out some paper towels to roughly dry the droplets off.

"Feel any better?" Vicki questions softly.

I don't try and answer her. "I just want to be as far away from here as possible."

She smiles weakly in understanding. "Me too." She reaches over the basins to rescue my handbag, flung against the counter from falling into a soapy puddle. I take it, my hands shaking so miserably I have to fumble with the zip. But the whole thing crashes from my hands, sending all my belongings spilling out over the floor. Instinctively I drop to my knees and scrabble to collect all up again. Everything's just a mess.

Vicki picks up my phone, and I try and lurch for it before her fingertips brush against the keypad, but I'm too late and the whole screen illuminates. I can't bring myself to focus on the picture, looking guiltily away.

"When did you take this?" she whispers cautiously.

"Last week." I confess, feeling my voice tremor as I say the words. "We... went to a beautiful hotel and..."

And we curled up on the bed, laughing before we'd even decided to raid the mini-bar. We had pillow fights. Course, he always overpowered me and I lost. But that was fine, because he would hold me so tight and I was so sure of what we felt for each other. And what "couple" don't take soppy pictures? 

The couples that can't really be together I suppose. He Bluetooth'ed me the file on a really busy, loud night in the club, when he was supposed to be bringing up another crate of mixers. Zoe was working the other end of the bar at the time, so he must have been stood against the wall, just wishing for a moment like the one gone by for us right then. He came back up with the crate and barely looked at me for the rest of the night. But it didn't matter because I had the proof hidden safely inside my phone, our connection never lost.

Except...

"Have you got everything?" Vicki asks, safely tucking my phone away.

"No!" I reply in panic! "No!"

"Why?" she pushes, trying to remain calm as I scrabble through my things, scratching at the wet tiles frantically. "What's missing?"

"My passport! Vicki, it's not here! How am I supposed to get on a plane without-?"

"Calm down." she instructs firmly, casting her eyes down to sift through everything too. "Are you sure it's not-?"

"Well, can you see it?" I blast, falling helplessly back on my knees.

"No..." she admits awkwardly, biting into her lip and quietly adding; "We'll have to go back for it."

It takes me a long while to realise I should go back inside. Den was the first to leave the kerb, glaring at me with the kind of venom in his eyes I am without the energy to recognise. I'm without the energy for anything, can barely even smile as Chrissie, knowing she dutifully has to follow her bastard husband upstairs and soothe his wounds too, steps up and gently squeezes my arm. She doesn't say a word. There aren't any now. It's over. Sharon's gone, and it's all my own damn fault.

I turn on my heel, ignoring Zoe, stood there shivering in so little. I move right past her, back into the empty bar. And there, sat on the top, are those bloody pregnancy tests. I'm cursing myself inwardly as I wander over and carefully pick up the positive one, staring at it, never wanting to believe it. What was I thinking, wishing so hard that I might change this, that I might prove Zoe wrong and keep hold of Sharon? It just seemed so desperate, but God, as ever, it's my timing that sucks. I don't have the right to doubt Zoe anymore. We're having a baby, the proof's right here.

I sink heavily into one of the booths, dropping the test against the table, just staring dumbly at it, maybe thinking that if I stare hard enough, the colour might change and then I might be able to get up and piece my life back together. It's not that I don't want a baby. I just... don't want this one. I wanted... I want to build my family with Sharon. But she's had to leave me here, belittled because she can never give me the same. It hurts to consider that's all she thinks she means to me. I love her. I've never loved anyone before. What's supposed to happen? Am I just meant to fall so hard in love with the baby that I forget Sharon ever meant anything... I forget Sharon?

The door creaks on its hinges. I glance round and watch Zoe shuffle in, hesitantly settling herself in the other side of the booth, her hands placed in her lap. Her eyes fixed upon the test too, she looks more terrified than I do and I gave up my world for this, Sharon instilling nobility in me I've never meant. Cos if Sharon coulda given me this, I'd have been right out that door. Everyone knows that. That's why she left, crying in Vicki's arms. Because she can't. So here's me, stuck with some little girl I could never love. Yet Sharon says I have to try.

"Dennis..." Zoe mumbles shakily, hardly able to look at me. "...there's something I have to-"

With a heavy sigh however, I cut across her, answering tiredly; "It don't matter anymore Zo."

She sounds surprised. "It doesn't?"

I shake my head. "This is the way it is. I have to be here for you and the baby and I will be."

It takes her a few stunned moments to smile.

"So... what do we do now?"

"We get on with it." I tell her firmly, noting in the way she flinches she was probably expecting me to put my arms around her, thank her for turning my world upside down like this. I pull myself up from the booth, dodging the table still loaded with disturbed Christmas fayre, sliding behind the bar and pouring myself a dangerously large measure of vodka, knocking it back in one and not even noticing the taste. 

When I open my eyes, Zoe has swung her legs round to the floor, sat up a little straighter as she faces me. "What.... us?"

"No-one else involved with this baby is there?" I shoot back bitterly.

She stares into her lap, pulling at her frozen hands. "No. No, of course not."

"Sorry." I mumble, guilt prickling as I realise how short I sounded. "It's just-"

"Sharon." Zoe replies weakly, her eyes slowly filling with tears. "I know."

I sigh, putting my drained glass down on the bartop. "I can't help how I feel about her."

"You've been lying to me." she hisses tearfully. "Cheating on me!"

I look away, scratching uncomfortably at my flaming neck.

"I knew I wasn't imagining it - why do you think I never said anything about this?"

I straighten up in interest, my attention most definitely hers again. "I don't know." I say softly. "Why didn't you?"

But as I sit down in the booth again, it's Zoe that can't look at me, that's biting so guiltily into her lip.

"C'mon Zo." I coax, my voice still deceptively calm as I feel the suspicion and resentment whip themselves up again. "Got me to stay didn't it? The baby? If you knew something was going on, why not tell me sooner, stop it all? I'm all yours now, aren't I?"

She glares at me. "I don't know, are ya? Cos now we all know it ain't me you want. Never was, was it?"

"Zo..."

"No! Why do I have to be second best Dennis? What have I done? I'm the one that's having your baby for God's sake!"

"I know!" I reply hotly, regretting how I make her flinch. "And I'm sorry."

She picks up on that immediately, her eyes narrowing in contempt. "Sorry?" she spits. "Why are you sorry? Don't you want this baby?"

"Of course I do! But this ain't the way I wanted it, no."

She bows her head, her hair spilling about her face and promptly bursts into tears.

"Please don't do this, Zo."

"Why not?" she demands. "I want this baby because I... I thought we felt something, me and you. But now the whole world knows I ain't nothing to ya and I'm still here with it inside me. I've never had a baby before. I don't know anything I'm supposed to do and I'm terrified. I don't want to be on my own."

"And you won't be." I insist, reaching over to place my hand over hers. "I'm here, Zo, for you as well as the baby. We'll do it together, OK? It'll be alright."

I settle back, still staring dumbfounded at the test set down between the two of us.

"How long have you known?"

"I haven't... I'm not sure."

I jolt with suspicion. She hasn't? But then I catch her eyes, both still wide and sparkling with terror and I realise how neurotic I'm being.

She shakes a little less as we talk, hardly believing any of it's true. But maybe this is the best way to make it all sink in. We both have responsibilities now, and we can't ignore them just because it'd be easier that way. I refuse to be that much of a coward. Besides, it's not the baby's fault. It's gonna be here because of us both and I can't pretend, even in all this misery that the idea don't excite me just a little bit. They'll be the right in all the wrong.

"What d'you want?" Zoe questions softly, at least half a smile at last true upon her lips. "A boy or a girl?"

"Oh c'mon, no-one really cares about that."

"You do. I can see it in your face. You want a boy don't you?"

I smile, caught. "How d'you guess?"

"All men do, don't they?"

I don't say anything, just smile, stroking idly across the back of her hand. Somehow, this has to be alright.

The door creaks again and Zoe's whipped round in accusation before I've even registered the sound and found the energy to turn in that direction; after all, no-one else has the right to come in here, do they?

Only, it's not just anybody I've come to look at. It's Sharon. Stood so rigidly against the door as she looks nervously round. And what's gonna greet her? Me and Zoe, holding hands... fawning over the test. My arm jerks, and my first instinct is to pull my hand back from Zoe before she sees. But she already has and anyway, my arm's like lead, and since Zoe's holding my hand like her life depends on it, I have no hope of moving it.

"Don't mind me." Sharon says softly with the gentlest smile. "Just need to get, uh... something, yeah..."

And she tears across the pub, through the door and up the stairs. Guilt is stabbing me all over. And Zoe's started shaking again. God, she really has always seen Sharon as a threat then.

She comes back three silent minutes or so later, her steps heavy and few, tapping her passport against her other palm. "Forgot it." she murmurs sheepishly.

"Den see you?"

She shakes her head anxiously. "No. Let's keep it that way eh?"

Zoe nods, without saying a word. She understands apparantly. Me? No.

"Excited then?" Sharon asks. She smiles, but the words are too strained. And I can see in her eyes that all she wants to do is hide away and cry. So I can say nothing, guilt strangling me as I sit, forcing the woman I love more than anyone or anything in the world to watch me hold someone else's hand.

Neither me or Zoe answer her.

"You should be." she insists, nodding. "Special thing that's gonna happen for you both and I... I really wish you all the luck in the world. I mean that."

She pulls at the door again, and this time, I find the strength to pull myself at least halfway up out of the booth. "Sharon..."

She drops back onto her heel and looks at me, but there's no expectation in her eyes. It hurts. She's here and yet she really is gone.

Smiling, she says so simply; "Take care."

And that's it. She's gone all over again. My whole body is suddenly like lead. Twice now I've had the chance to do what feels right and instead? Both times, I've stood there. And we both know what keeps me here as she leaves, but with her in front of me like that, trying to be brave, pleasant, fighting not to cry when any idiot can see that's what she needs, nothing can be enough. I've broken Sharon's heart and with it, my own. I just want her, the chance to make it all OK. But I can't move and even if I could, I don't think she'd so much as let me try and put things right. I can't, can I? Baby with another woman issue happening. I don't think I coulda hurt her more. I'm just terrified of the idea she's running away from it all to forget I might ever have meant it when I said I love her. I do. I always will.

But then the sheer loneliness of such a realisation hits me like a punch in the gut. I can wanna do right by my baby, but it's never gonna stop me wishing I could race right after Sharon, hold her in my arms til her tears are done and make her believe that I can make it alright. I hate, I despise that there is no way, and somehow, even the smallest part of me can't help but resent Zoe for being the one to bind me to this hateful place. Because now, she seems... happy about it. What did I do, what did I say to make her believe there was something in the two of us? Did I really mean to say it?

No. I don't think I did. I just... I have to think of the baby. Without Sharon, there is no other purpose. I have to make this child my all. But how the Hell can Zoe cling so desperately to such lies? How can she be so willing to forget that hours ago, I swore to leave her, to run away to the other side of the world, just so I could be free to love Sharon? Does she really need me that badly? Or is she just that desperate to keep me?

As she squeezes my hand anxiously, I recoil and jerk my hand away, moving out of the booth and becoming determined to busy myself with anything, going to recover a roll of bin bags from behind the bar. I tear one off along the perforation, shaking it open.

"Dennis..."

"Just leave it, Zo yeah?" I advise sharply. If she thinks we can get into deep and meaningful conversations now, she's sadly mitaken. "Just let me get on with it."

"You're avoiding me." she states accusingly. "You're avoiding everything!"

"I'm still here aren't I? What more do you want?"

Shaken, she seems to struggle with the words, tears still sparkling. "Well, I guess I wouldn't mind knowing that you're sticking around for me, not just the baby!"

I freeze. "You want me to lie to you?"

"Dennis!"

But I walk away, leaving the table not even a quarter tidy. If she wants me to see out the rest of my miserable life here with her, then normality needs to be resumed. Normal things have to happen. Normal things like wiping basins, emptying bins. Even on Christmas Day. Oh God, anything so I don't have to spend the rest of my life knowing I shattered my darlin' and then we spent all this time apart all for me to, what? Last all of three hours in this new life before I let Zoe know that in comparison to Sharon, to any baby I might be about to have, she is nothing.

I crash about a lot wrenching the tops from the bins cos while I'm there, I need to get rid of a lot of agression or I may well end up seriously hurting someone somewhere and I'm getting sick of doing that. So tearing open the bin-bag, I up-end the bin. Everything pours in, including the pregnancy test box. I can't help but reach for it as I set the bin down again. My God, this whole thing really is insane. Some supermarket's bloody logo smiling up at me, the expectant father, the box itself looking like it lost in a fight.

And I bet it did too, too many frustrations in this whole episode. What the Hell was Sharon thinking, offering to do one too? What the Hell's Zoe gonna think of her, what... olive branch, helping hand when she knows damn well she has the result to keep me here. And Sharon.... she's just killing herself, still wanting to be a martyr to my cause, my havoc. The leaflet's been crumpled to Hell. Guess it don't make the whole process any easier. I drop the whole lot into the bin-liner and move into the next cubicle, suddenly struck by the hideousness of the thought that both the women I unintentionally drew into my life sat in here, side by side, in competition. For me. It's mad. I know what I feel and now cos of what these bloody tests have said, I have to forget it?

How do we breathe without it?
How do we cope without what might just be the best days of our lives?

Turning the other bin, I'm more conscious of the fact I'm looking for the second box. It falls with a gentle clatter onto the floor. Straightening up the bin, I stoop to pick up the box, its stark blue logo looking so much more daunting than some generic supermarket. Jesus Christ, these things really mean business. But it's rattling in my fist and for a second, I can't understand why.

And then I realise... the instructions, they're still folded perfectly. What kind of a woman can do a pregnancy test just like that, without even having to check how she'll know for sure?

The kind of woman that's done something so many times, she knows it like the back of her hand.

The kind of woman that's like Sharon.

I feel myself jolt unfavourably. Cos something just occured to me. Something I'm not sure of, and I can't be for as long as I stand here. Wishing I wouldn't shake so tellingly, I try and compose myself, abandoning the full binliner in the middle of the ladies and going back out into the bar, spreading out my hands in apology.

"OK, I'm sorry."

"What for?" Zoe questions in a quietly suspicious voice.

"Well I haven't... it ain't me that's had to carry this round is it? So I guess I'm just finding it hard to appreciate how scared you're feeling. Let's face it, I've been pretty selfish these last couple of weeks."

She just glares at me. I smile weakly, taking that. The test still on the table, I try not to become too fixated by it as I sit back in the booth. But the truth is, I'm staring at it immediately. Because a blue line, dictating the rest of my life, ain't all I see. I see a small blue logo across the cap. I have no idea what it's of, but the point is, it's there.

"I mean, how'd you get through doing this on your own?"

"You know I wasn't on my own." she answers curtly. "Had your bloody girlfriend through the wall didn't I?"

I close my eyes, letting that jibe go over my head. "Did she tell you how to do it?"

"What?"

I incline my head towards the test.

"No." she scowls. "I read the bloody leaflet like everyone else."

"You read it?" I echo.

"What were you expecting me to do with it for God's sake?"

And oh, did we ever get it right? It took so long for me to realise!

And in that second, reading the irritation in her face, it's like someone literally just dropped a ton of bricks on me. Dazed, confused and feeling so damn stupid. Seconds of silence pass that feel like hours as I try and find my voice.

"It's not your test is it?"

Her mouth drops - about three seconds too late. "Wh-What?"

"I found the boxes, Zo. And the box this test came from... leaflet hasn't been touched."

"No, I..."

"And, let's think about this... who do we know that wouldn't ever need to be told how to do a pregnancy test? Who do we know that wants a baby so fuckin' much that- I can't believe you! Why... Why would you? What the Hell has Sharon ever done to you?"

"She tried to steal you from me, Dennis!" she rages.

"Jesus Christ." I scoff angrily. "You make me sound like fuckin' pocket money."

"I thought you were mine!"

"Well, I'm not, am I?" I shout back. "I never was, Zo and I never could be!"

"You're only saying that because... because of her!"

"I'm saying it because it's true. I belong with Sharon! What kind of sick game are you playing?"

"You hurt me." she snarls. "Maybe she deserves to feel that too!"

I snatch up the pregnancy test, thrusting it accusingly at her for every one of my words."You told us you were pregnant you evil little cow! You knew that'd crucify her."

But Zoe just shrugs, almost looking smug about it as she rises out of the booth. "She's gone ain't she?"

"Yeah. And so am I."

Glaring venemously at her, sure I've never felt hatred this strong for any of the lowlifes I have met in this miserable existence of mine, I shove roughly past her and pound up the stairs, only knowing that I have to get out, be gone, before I really do make her pay for this. But still the anger beats so dangerously in the centre of my chest, and it's determined to free itself, tearing at me more and more aggressively as I hear her, raising my name in that ever desperate, intolerable whine.

"Dennis! No... please, just let me-"

I round on her at the top of the stairs, knowing I'm daring her with the anger inside to try and finish that sentence. "What?" I spit. "Explain? Well go on then. Explain! Tell me what the Hell convinced you that this... this was gonna keep me here? Cos you're not pregnant are you?"

She bows her head, jerkily shaking it. My stomach lurches, churning simultaneously. The evil, lying cow.

"You ain't smart enough for this, Zo." I point out quietly. "C'mon, I tell ya I'm leaving with Sharon, your gut reaction was to hit out. I wouldn't have expected anything more from you."

"What, not my style? Like getting off with your sister ain't yours?"

I do little more than frown to recognise that one pathetic comment. "You ain't cruel enough. You don't know anyone who is."

Motionless for a moment, her glossy lips curve into a patronising smirk. "Don't I?"

I don't know if she means to do it, but I swear her gaze flitters to the lounge. And once again, it all falls into place. Anger is now too light a word. This ain't happening again. It ain't. And he's fuckin' well gonna know it.

The door crashes open against my force. I hear Chrissie give out a little scream of shock, but it goes right over my head. I slam the pregnancy test down hard on the coffee table and turn, eyes wide, heart pounding so painfully against my ribs towards Den.

"Really thought this' work didn't ya?"

The bastard stays infuriatingly calm, barely putting any energy into shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do." I hiss venemously. "Bet you felt really proud of yourself didn't you Den, stroke of genius under pressure an' all that? "No way Dennis is gonna be stupid enough to walk out on his kid, not after what I did, not when he hates me so much!" You know what Den, for everything you've done over this past year, I didn't hate you. But now? God, yeah. Cos the one person you never banked on was Sharon!"

Predictably, his features transcend into fury as I mention her name.

"I don't know how you could do this to your own daughter Den, I really don't. Think what you want about me, but... you're supposed to love her!"

"Don't you ever question what I feel for my Princess." he snarls warningly.

"Well, someone's gotta. What kinda man would twist the knife like that? You knew it'd break her heart... is that why you told Zoe to lie about being pregnant?"

He flinches, looking suspiciously at Zoe. "What's it got to do with me? The girl's pregnant, she said so herself and you... you've got the proof right there!"

"Have I? Weren't just Zoe that did one of these things though is it, or are you really finding it that easy to forget your own daughter?"

Chrissie suddenly feels the need to leap in. "Dennis, be fair! Sharon only did a test to make everything seem a little easier on Zoe. Weren't the kindest thing you two were planning to do today babe."

She slows me up with those words, giving me such a sharp look. "I know..." I mumble awkwardly.

"And we all know what Sharon's... situation is."

"No." I protest fiercely, the very need wrenching my gut. "No, we don't, you don't understand! It's just what we all assumed and we were stupid to do it! Oh, Sharon can't have kids, it's gonna be negative. It's always gonna be negative, she's Sharon! But we're wrong!" I whirl round to Zoe, shuddering desperately through my anger. "Aren't we Zo?"

"Dennis, please..." she whimpers, tears slipping readily from her brimming eyes. "I never meant..."

"Yes you did!" I spit hatefully. "You knew you weren't gonna turn up a positive, that's why you didn't wanna do it! Musta seemed like a meal ticket when... you disgust me, Zo. You sat down there, talking about our baby when... it ain't yours at all! It's Sharon's!"

And even though they are my own words, the realisation seems to endanger my balance, my voice diminished to little more than a whisper.

"She's having my baby..."

Sliding me a sympathetic look, Chrissie gets up and awkwardly puts her arms around me, thinking she's soothing me out of my fantasy.

"Rubbish." Den scoffs hotly.

Instinctively, I push Chrissie back, facing him. "I found the box for that test.... instructions ain't even been looked at. You know how much Sharon's wanted a baby all these years. She don't need to be told how to check does she? She used to do these things every fuckin' month, just hoping. But you wouldn't know that would ya? You wouldn't care, so long as she's miserable!"

"So long as she's away from you." he corrects viciously.

"But she ain't, is she? Cos I'm going Den, I'm going right after her, cos now I know there's something between us that even desperate sickos like you can't touch. I know that baby's ours! Gonna be pretty lonely for you up here though ain't it? All your precious family having left you. Couldn't happen to a nicer bloke. And if you need someone's mind to screw over, seems to me you've got a willing victim right here."

I grab Zoe's elbow and shove her roughly forward. She loses her balance and falls to the floor in a whimpering heap.

"Enjoy her, eh?" I hiss with a pitiful look. "I never did."

I storm out of the Vic, blood, determination pounding away in my ears. I don't care what it takes now, I'm gonna put this whole mess right. Nothing's gonna keep me here anymore. I'm halfway across the Square, back towards the flat, when I hear the desperate scraping of heels on the rain splattered pavement, Chrissie calling my name.

"Dennis! Dennis, please, wait a minute!"

But I keep going, hardly caring how frantic and out of breath the poor woman sounds, calling sternly back; "I'm leaving, Chrissie."

But my hands are shaking so furiously, it's taking me an age to even manage to get the key into the lock and this allows Chrissie the time she needs to catch up with me, almost slamming into the door herself as she reaches my side.

"Please.... just let me speak to you..." she gasps breathlessly. I turn my head and give her a cold and piercing look.

"I don't wanna hear Den's excuses."

She frowns and gently shakes her head, her tight curls framing her milky face. "I don't want to talk about Den."

I say nothing and, the key finally turning, kick open the door, pounding up the stairs, not caring about anything besides getting out of here. Not even pausing for breath, I cut straight across the lounge into the bedroom, reaching up to yank down my holdall from the wardrobe, unzipping it on the bed and tearing round the room to collect together everything that belongs to me. I catch sight of Chrissie, hovering in the doorway as I turn round from dropping an armful of clothes into the bag. My keys are pointedly dangling from her hand. Guess it serves me right for leaving them hanging from the lock right, but whatever. I don't have to care anymore.

"Please Dennis..." she repeats, softer now as she turns away from leaving my keys on top the chest of drawers. "...you need to think about this."

"No." I retort stubbornly, shaking my head immediately. "No. I need to be gone."

"Yeah? Where?"

"The airport."

"To find Sharon?"

"Of course to find Sharon." I snap. "Nothing else matters Chrissie, nothing!"

She nods steadily. "So what are you going to say?"

I fall back, rendered speechless. "A-Anything I have to." I stammer.

My stepmother smiles sympathetically. "You can't just drop this on her, babe."

I frown in confusion.

"She has less of a clue than you do. Her and Zoe just did the tests remember? Didn't wait for a result. If Sharon knew it was her that was pregnant, she'd never have left here without you and you know that. She really believes it's Zoe that's having your baby. And what are you gonna do? Race up to her and say "I dunno if this'll be a shocker to you Sharon, y'know, seeing as you can't have kids and that, but it's you that's pregnant." She'll think you've lost it."

"It don't matter what she thinks. I know it's the truth. Zoe lied, just to keep me and I won't live like that Chrissie. I won't. I love Sharon and I want the chance to love our baby too."

"I'm not saying you don't have that chance babe. But do you really understand what it's gonna take to convince Sharon that it's her and not Zoe that's.... think about it. However you say the words, they're going to sound really cruel."

"You mean, she won't believe me."

"Well, would you?"

I'm reluctant to mumble my reply of "No... but-"

"I know you have to do it. You want to be with her and there's nothing in this world that should stop you now, but darlin', you need to think. Cos, to Sharon, the first time you say the words, all she's gonna think is you're trying to get out of being with Zoe and... well, Zoe was your choice, remember?"

"You have to remind me?" I grumble, starting to rifle through CDs. But I stop, letting half a stack crash onto my bed. I turn round slowly. "What the Hell am I doing here Chrissie?"

Looking bewildered at the question, she hunches her shoulders, smiling politely as she shakes her head. "I was about to ask you the same thing."

I begin to shake, adrenaline pounding through me as I nod back at her, groping around in my pockets to make sure I have everything that's really important. Check.

"I have to go." I announce determinedly and Chrissie just laughs gently.

"Just remember to think before you speak, Dennis, OK?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" I gabble quickly, to be honest, not really listening. I'm getting antsy. I was wasting time, I need to make it up. Be gone, forget this mess and make it OK with Sharon. That's all that matters to me. I peck Chrissie's cheek as I dive past towards the door. "Look after yourself, alright?"

And I just go, tearing down the streets of Walford, for no reason. I need the adrenaline, I need the motivation to keep going, to believe that I can actually make it OK. But I'm halfway down Bridge Street when I realise there's no way I can hope to catch that cab. Slowing to catch my breath, I tug my phone from my pocket, clicking it open - and promptly being greeted by the image of Sharon, snuggled coyly down against a huge bed, trying to hide her smile away in the rumpled pillow she was at the time threatening to throw at me for brandishing my phone at her. My chest tightens a little bit with guilt. Because she's getting further and further away and I miss her so much.

Pressing my thumb against "2", I lift the handset to my ear and wait for the call to connect.

"Vicki?" I question hoarsely, glad that I don't quite have the energy within me to startle her. "Please darlin', you mustn't say anything to... to Sharon, but... where are you going?"

"Going?" she repeats, sounding tired even within her own confusion. "Home."

"Florida you mean?" I push anxiously, a sickened feeling swirling in my tender stomach. "God, Vicki, please, you can't get on the plane."

"Wh-Why not?"

"Please sis, just trust me. Don't do it."

And oh, have we wasted all this time, to find ourselves right back here at the start?
So what do we do about it?

She sighs heavily, obviously not believing in me, my sobriety or my determination. Because even though she knows herself that the latter exists, she still thinks there's so much to keep me from acting on it, back in the Square. To tell her the change of circumstance, as if there ever was one, wastes time, takes her and Sharon further and further away from me, and I just can't let that happen. So I hardly care when it appears Vicki has hung up on me. I was just about poised to do the same. I stab in the number to the first cab firm I can think of, at which point some drowsy sounding controller immediately informs me all fares are double.

"Yeah... still wanting the cab." I insist testily. 

And he gives out a laugh like I just offered to pay off his Christmas overspend, which I guess I have really. Saying I'll be loitering outside the Tube station, I ring off, hands stowed in my pockets beside my phone, head bowed as I walk quickly towards the Tube. I know there's little point, I'll probably be waiting a good half hour just cos it's Christmas and the bloody firms can get away with it. In fact, by the time I've dragged my arse to this airport, I ould probably have afforded me own car and three year's insurance on top. But whatever, that's not important. What is is keeping my blood circulating before I head off. 

I stand there, hunched, watching my breath smoke on the freezing air surrounding me and I can only wonder if Sharon feels this cold, this angry, this lonely. Oh God, I need her so much it's scary. And what if... she's trying to protect herself, pretend she can do without me? What if, worse, she's not pretending? Sick of the way I've messed her round and... she knows I love her right? She has to believe that.

I truly believed my heart was still in my chest until a cab rolls up beside me. I almost have a seizure as some bloke, that looks like he's been over-doing the pies since five o'clock this morning, which was round about the same time I made my first call of the day to Sharon, whispering how much I missed her, how insane I felt I was going without her close like I needed her, leans out and says from between gappy teeth; "You order a ride squire?"

He might as well been Father Christmas himself, I smile so broadly. I've never been happier to see a stranger in my life. My spine, frozen a little I reckon, twinges painfully as I straighten up in a jolt, lunging to pull open the door and crash down against the backseat.

"Heathrow mate-" I gabble, already groping for my wallet to pay him at the other end, wishing the tedious time away. "Fast as you can, right, need to catch someone..."

Airports on Christmas Day. Miserable. That's what they are. So I guess, today, we go hand in hand because I... I'm just here. The lights are too bright, the whole place too deserted. Is it right to feel so lonely somewhere so big? Is it right to feel so sick? Maybe that isn't the loneliness. Maybe that's the fact that ever since we arrived, Vicki and me, all we've done is sip tasteless coffee, hardly saying a word to each other. What is there to say though? The looks she's giving me, thinking I hardly notice, are bad enough. I never wanted anyone's pity. All I wanted was Dennis. And instead, all I have is my passport, crushed in one hand as I anxiously await my escape from this continent. There's nothing else left now. Except that little piece of pink plastic, lying at the bottom of my pocket, taunting me with the promise that surrounds it.

I think that's what hurts the most. Think? Who the Hell am I kidding? I know. I know because I really believe Dennis meant "Forever" to be ours. But this stupid cracker ring is all I have and Zoe... loving him through desperation rather than loving him desperation, she'll have everything. She'll have him beside her every day... she'll have his baby in her arms. And if it wasn't for that fact, I think I could get on, like I always have. But I know I'll still love him so completely. And he'll forget me, too besotted with the baby. And it's his right, as the kind of father we both know he has the potential to be. But the idea he'll fall out of love with me...?

Oh, I'm pathetic. Rivalling a child when I was the one to walk away. But it was never a want. It was a need, for his sake. How was I supposed to stay, breaking my heart? Because I know that I'd have had him, loving me a little less every day for the sake... of Zoe's child. Oh God... get me out of here. Please. I never asked for any of this.

And Vicki.... she looks just as tired, her wrecked body seemingly in need of sleep. She's fighting it hard, just to keep her eyes open in the hope our flight'll be called and we might escape. But she's forced herself up, pocketfuls of change rattling away as she wanders off in the lonely stroll to search out more coffee. Only, when she comes back, a flimsy cup in each hand, my stomach jolts unfavourably just at the tepid aromas and I can't think of nothing I'd less like to force into my system. 

I shake my head weakly as she offers me a cup, mumbling; "No."

"Please Sharon..." she pleads, tiredly. "...just take it."

"I said no!" I yell testily. Guilt stabs immediately, tears prickling in my eyes. But Vicki blanches at her lip and throws herself down beside me, hunched away from me. And though that hurts too, I understand, because I can't bear to look at her. I try and fix my tearful eyes anywhere but. Except there's nothing, no-one to focus on except...

"Dennis..."

I am not mad. I have not imagined it. Dennis is stood in the expanse of the empty terminal. Even from here, I can tell how he shakes so apprehensively, his eyes are sparkling with tears. Will he cry? What... What is he doing here? It's madness, he should be...

His hands stowed deep in his pockets, he shuffles forward, head bowed to hide the weak smile that does not truly mean to grace his lips. I see Vicki slide forward and bolt up, her spine rigid. She pushes herself up from the hard metal seat and stands, a breath trapped in her chest as she moves slowly to meet him halfway across the floor.

And still, he bites harder into his lip, with no words.

Vicki stretches up on her toes and in the next second, kinda falls against him, her arms wrapped tight around his neck. He drops his head down against her shoulder, holding her tight. And even as I shake, I'm drawn to them, envious of their closeness I suppose. Wishing I could be that close, without all this hurt. And as I stand a pace away from the two of them, entwined so fiercely, I hear him murmur two words against her ear.

"Thank you..."

Confused, I tilt my head, just watching them, feeling so sad. But my presence is obviously felt and they break slowly apart. Dennis turns and just looks at me. All that hurt is.... suffocating us. 

I shake my head, my voice... so broken as I look at him. "What are you doing here? You should... be.... away. Go away..."

He lurches forward desperately. "No. Please... just let me talk to you-"

"There's nothing I can say to you anymore."

"I know you're wrong."

"No! No you don't! Dennis, please... it's gone, it's over!"

"You don't believe that."

I feel my lip quiver as I bite at it. "You gave me no choice." 

"I did." he tells me softly. "I just didn't know it."

I fall back a step, confused. "Wh-What are you talking about?"

He pulls up the edge of his jumper and pushes his hand down into his back pocket, withdrawing the bloody pregnancy test from his pocket. What's he tryin' to achieve? I mean, what's he trying to do to me?

"I don't need to see this." I insist tearfully, glancing at Vicki desperately for help.

"Yes you do. It belongs to you."

I reel. "That's not funny."

"Did I say I was joking?"

I narrow my eyes, trying to gauge in his expression where the joke itself does kick in. But... there really is nothing.

"But it's.... p-positive."

"Yeah. I know." He nods gently. "S'why I'm here."

"But... you know I can't-"

"No I don't. Not really."

"Have you never... listened to me? I can not have children. That's why you dragged Zoe into our mess, remember? Thinking that'd clear it all up!"

"Well she has!" Dennis insists feverishly. "C'mon, answer me one question...."

"No! This is a fantasy Dennis, that's all it can ever be, and you're killing me... for what? Having to answer to your own fucking mis-"

"Did you read the instruction leaflet?" he cuts in firmly, ignoring my every word completely.

"Oh you idiot. Why would I need to read the instructions when I'm never going to be-"

"I knew you didn't. It was still in the box."

"And?"

He smiles weakly, tilting up the test to my attention. "It was the box this test came from. See Zoe, she read the instructions. Kinda needed to. Never done one of these before... not like you. And cos of that... I knew... she knew I knew that she isn't pregnant. And if she isn't... then-"

"Then what?" I challenge, feeling my whole body flare defensively. "I am? Do you know how ridiculous you sound?"

"To you? Yeah, I do. So please Sharon, if you think you can... prove me wrong. You can't go without proving me wrong."

I sigh, feeling it catch in my chest, tearing it painfully open. I step up close to him, pressing my palms around his face, speaking firmly. "Sweetheart, you want it too much. And it's something I can never give you, however much I want to and we have to accept that. We have lives to live... and we need to get on without each other, or we're both gonna fall apart and I don't want that to happen."

"Neither do I. And that's why you have to believe it too. I'm not trying to hurt you, I promise. I'd never do that. It's really true. It has to be."

"Does it?" I swallow down the painful lump constricting my throat as tears sting in my eyes. "So... how are you planning to convince me, cos... I..." I gesture to Vicki, who seems to have gone heavy like stone. -we've got a flight to catch."

Hurt washes over his beautiful face. "Please... stop running. This... it's us. Just trust that. Or we're both left with nothing."

Why do we fool ourselves some time away makes everything alright?

"What d'you want me to do Dennis? What's it gonna take...?"

"Do it again." he replies certainly. "Do the test again and then you'll know it for yourself." Then, he presses another boxed test into my hand. 

My laughter is kinda strangled and not meant. "What else you got in there for God's sake?"

"Sharon, please..."

Vicki stumbles over, pulling on my elbow. She looks about as pale as I should do. But somehow, she manages to offer her support, smiling weakly. "I guess it's gonna be the only way to know for sure, Sharon."

"Yeah." I say quietly, nodding, as the box shakes in my head. Then I lift my other hand to wipe my brimming eyes. "But I... I'd rather do this.... on my own. Will you..." I look anxiously between her and Dennis, who looks... feverish. "...wait for me?"

They both nod gently, and I rush, feeling myself stumble over my own feet, in my rush to be alone. Oh God, Dennis is right. All I ever do is hide away. But what else can I do now? I trust him, I think.... it's kinda hard after Zoe, but he's here. Telling me she was willing, that I'm pregnant. He must believe it. I don't think he'd ever say it to hurt me.

So, all I can is repeat the test, crying softly. This time, it feels degrading, because I'm really am being tested. I thought I'd grown used to the inevitably of the result. But... it's all been turned on its head. All because Zoe lied. To keep Dennis. Because I love him. She's kidding herself if she ever believed she felt anything close. And there was me, wanting to make her "pregnancy" seem easier on her, some stupid little girl, when she was the one set to have everything I wanted. Why did I do the test? Why did I care enough? This is so stupid.

Clicking on the cap, I can barely holding the wand, hot tears pouring from my eyes as I will the lonely minutes away, checking my watch so often as the second hand ticks away, that my wrist begins to ache.

I pull myself up from the toilet and fumble to pull the bolt across. I squint against the harshness of all the artificial and somehow find my way back to Vicki and Dennis without even knowing where I'm heading. 

But Vicki catches my attention by leaping up like she just sat on a red hot poker and asking; "Is it.... done?"

I nod meekly, dropping down heavily beside Dennis, holding onto the wand fiercely.

"It is." I tell him, feeling my heart begin to hammer against my ribs. "It's positive."

I just watch her. She falls back in disbelief. She looks... heavy. Not one flicker of emotion graces her drawn face. She's just there, staring at the wand, the corners of her lips turned down slightly. The seconds crawl by painfully, my next breath lodged against my ribs refusing to rise any higher. I drop down into a crouching position, pulling her hand down into mine and gently stroking across it. I'm sure I feel her flinch but I try and convince myself she's simply shaking, but somehow I doubt it.

"Sharon? Please darlin'..."

But she just looks at me frightfully, those beautiful eyes brimming with tears. Then her neck jerks and she's not looking at me, she's trying to avoid me, looking... almost guiltily over at Vicki, who just looks... stricken.

"I swear... I didn't... I can't-"

Vicki scoots across the cold seats and whispers calmly; "You don't know that."

But Sharon forces in a breath defiantly and gasps; "I don't believe it! It's not true, it-"

I cling on to her hand. "It is!"

But she pulls her hand away, her sad eyes narrowed. "Will you stop being so... what are you even doing here? You should be... with Zoe... in Walford-"

I just bite into my lip, waiting for her words to pass. "I don't belong there."

Her beautiful face crumples with disbelief. "What, and you think you belong here?"

"You know I do."

"Do I? Dennis, who are you here for? Me? You?"

"Us!" I protest desperately. "I'm here for us. We're still real Sharon. No-one can take that away. Not Zoe, not Den... no-one! I can't give you any more proof than what you've got in your hand, why can't you believe it?"

She smiles weakly and lifts her hand to wipe away the few stray tears that have dared to escape her eyes. "Why? Because this-" She lifts the wand. "-is everything I ever wanted. I wanted it so much, for so long and nothing! And I never thought I could have this with you, but I dreamt about it. But when Zoe... I knew I'd lost you, there was nothing I could do to keep you. I could never be enough! So you tell me Dennis, what are you doing here?"

"What d'you think? There's nothing keeping us apart anymore. Darlin', it's lies and I ain't staying away from you to be treated like that. I want what's mine... ours!"

"But if it was true, if Zoe was the one having your baby... I'd never have seen you again would I? Even though I'm the one that loves you, even though I'm the one you're supposed to love too!"

"I do love you! Sharon, please..."

But her tears overpower her as she claws desperately at her lip and she pulls herself up, beginning to pace the empty terminal, drumming the wand against the flat of her other hand. "C'mon, we both know you wouldn't be here, if it was Zoe, not me! But it is! This says it is! It could be wrong, you thought of that? Then where are you gonna be, who are you gonna want?"

"I want you! I've never wanted anyone else!" I pull myself up from the floor to slowly go over to her. She sniffles and tries to back off from me, but I catch her face in my hands and hold her gaze level with mine. "You could really be having our baby, you ever thought of that?"

"Always." she whispers sadly, sounding as though the very admission pains her. "But we knew it was never gonna be real."

I laugh gently, stroking away her tears as they fall still. "But it is."

"And what d'you want me to do about it?"

Stumped, I hunch my shoulders. "I dunno... say you're... happy."

In spite of herself, Sharon laughs, whispering; "What happened to being careful Rickman?"

Feeling my love for her spread throw me like the warmest fire, I bow my head, smiling broadly and daring to press the softest of kisses to her neglected lips. She shivers a little, stunned as she glances down at the test shivering in her grasp.

"It is real isn't it? Positive?"

"Yeah."

Nodding feverishly, Sharon swallows down a lump in her throat. "And Zoe knew it was mine? This test?"

I bite guiltily into my lip, averting my gaze as I confess; "Couldn't believe her luck."

I see flashes of anger in Sharon's eyes, but it passes in favour of disbelief as she looks at the test window again. "I don't think I can either. We've... only been back together a few weeks."

"It's what we want though isn't it? A baby of our own.... me and you? Forever... like I said?"

How do we breathe without it?
How do we cope without what might just be the best days of our lives?

Her giggle is full now and she clumsily sweeps strands of her fringe from her eyes. "I didn't think you actually meant it. Why d'you think I'm still running?"

And she glances nervously over at Vicki, who looks painfully rigid as she sits, watching us.

But I grab Sharon's hand again, imploring her to; "Stop. Or at least let me come with you."

She sighs, and I can tell in the sound, she's dismissing me without even really thinking about it. "Dennis..."

But before I can even try and protest, she's heading back to Vicki, looking tired. She sinks carefully down onto the hard unforgiving seat beside our little sister and I almost feel guilty for shuffling closer, like I don't belong. But I know there's nowhere else for me to go now. I just hate how Vicki is looking between us, so confused and hurt. And it's only then I remember, with such a sharp stab of regret that Vicki is the one forced to have seen Sharon through the immediate heartbreak as they left the Square, thinking the three of us could never be together again.

"What's going on?" Vicki questions hoarsely. Sharon reaches across and hold Vicki's plae hand into her own, holding it fiercely as she takes it upon herself to deliver the explanation.

"Dennis wants... to come to America with us."

Her pretty painted lips seem to explode into a broad and yet still disbelieving smile. "Really?"

"Really."

"Course, he'll have to follow out on a later flight or something but only if you say it's-"

But I cut across her, already rooting in my pockets as I insist; "I'm coming with you now."

Sharon looks up at me, aghast. "Don't be stu- how can you? You've got nothing-"

I show her what I hold in my fist. "Passport, phone, credit card. I don't need anything else, as long as I've got you and Vicki..."

"...and the baby." Vicki beams.

Reading the happiness in her face like I never could have believed, I'm stunned and can barely manage a reply. "Yeah. And the baby."

Vicki nods approvingly. "You'll make a good dad. You belong with your kid." Sharon turns round and smiles, almost bashfully at her, still hardly believing there's reason for Vicki to put any convinction into such words. But still, our little sister smiles, apparantly all forgiving. "Here, give us your card, I'll go and get your ticket."

"Oh no, Vicks, I-"

But she falls back on her heel and juts her hip, raising an eyebrow to challenge me. "Do you wana be with our family or not?"

Course, she knows I can't argue and I swear she skips off with my card in her fist, leaving me and Sharon stood there, a little dumbfounded, hardly knowing what we should do if we so much as look at one another. But then I realise, even as she smiles so apprehensively, tears are still sparkling on her cheeks and yet now I know, she's happy.

"You meant it... I can't believe you meant it."

"Why wouldn't I?" I question softly, wrapping my arms around her waist and drawing her close. "I love you... and I'm gonna love our baby just as much."

Sharon closes her eyes peacefully and murmurs; "Say it again."

I bow my head and tenderly kiss the base of her neck before whispering in her ear; "Our baby..."

She giggles gently and then drops back onto the balls of her feet, forcing my arms to drop away. Her hair tumbles down around her face as she looks down and presses her cold hand softly to her flat stomach. "It's in there somewhere isn't it? It really is... oh Dennis..."

Fresh tears pouring from her eyes, she throws her arms around my neck and I gratefully hold her close, knowing I'll never let her go again.

"Yeah it is. Happy Christmas darlin'."

So what do we do? So what do we do?
The best days of our lives!