White Wedding

I was really grateful to get the call from Vicki. It might have been going on for two in the morning, but still I was grateful. I'd only been sat round the house twiddling my thumbs, and flipping through a few last minute brides magazines. I don't know why I bother. I just stared lazily at the young beautiful women in their long flowing dresses. First times no doubt, believe that marriage still has everything to offer and that it's not bloody easy to cock up something once so sacred. It means hardly anything to anyone these days. And these girls, young and beautiful they are; naive too, but they're just dreaming of the nice big fat paychecks they'll find in their bank accounts the next day for just an hour of pretend happy smiles.

Pushing the magazine away, my eye seems to fall on my engagement ring. I run my finger lovingly across the surface of the diamond. I just know that I won't need to be forcing smiles on my big day. Dennis and me have been engaged for three months; we're getting married tomorrow..... later today.... and yet I can still sit on my own in a room, my legs tucked up underneath me, fiddling with the ring on my finger and think "Oh my God, this really is my life." I'm not dreaming; I'm not just here while the rest of the world passes me by. After Tom died, I was certain that's what it'd be like; I thought I'd never fall in love again, and certainly never want to promise to marry another man. Especially not... well, the bloke introduced to me as my "brother".

But I have fallen in love, and I am going to marry that bloke. Feels weird; but it's in such a brilliant way, I get butterflies in my stomach, and just feel like giggling. But there's only so much wedding preperation anyone can take, including the bride. Cos now's the time that I'll start worrying that I've forgotten to book the cars, or the church, or the flowers....

So when my phone rang and Vicki's name flashed up on the screen, a new excitement took me over; I haven't seen Vicki for so long; since the February night I headed back to Walford on Chrissie's instruction. I have missed her so much and am so happy she's going to be here for mine & Dennis's day.

"Vicks! How are you babe?"

She sounds pretty tired, but still bubbly. "Brilliant Sharon, I'm great. Listen, I've just got off the tube.... do you fancy coming to meet me...? We could go to the caff or something?"

I'm already picking up my shoes from the floor and slipping into them; the phone pressed uncomfortably to my ear. "I'm on my way. Don't move."

And I rush out across the Square. For late October it's incredibly warm despite the total darkness; and a flutter of hope stirs as I pray for good weather to hold out. I head into the tube station; immediately recognising Vicki's ruffled hair and omnipresent smile. Yep, I really have missed her. She screws up her ticket and throws it into the bin. Then she catches my eye, and she just beams, galloping towards me, her arms outstretched.

"Sharon! Oh it's so good to see you!"

"Vicki.... have you gotten taller?"

"Oh shut up and c'mere!" 

And I hug her close, not being able to stop myself scruntinising her bony frame as she nestles contently into me. 

"Are you eating enough?" I ask as we draw back from our long overdue embrace.

She rolls her eyes, and I just laugh. It's like she's never been away.

"I do have a mother y'know Sharon, I thought I'd left her behind."

"Yeah, but I am your sister-"

"No no no!" she smiles, clasping my hands in hers. "Not today you're not. You're Walford Bride 2005!"

"Hardly Miss World is it?"

"No, but it's your wedding day! Are you not excited?"

"Y-yeah, course."

Oh God, Sharon was that hesistation?

No. It was cold. I'm fine.

Really I am.

 "Let's go get that coffee shall we?" Vicki chirps, hoisting her bag over her shoulder. She weaves her hand into the crook of my arm and we wander across to the caff.

"Alright Vic?" Jane trills, as we head inside. "How's life?"

"Good. It's good." she nods, kicking her bag underneath one of the tables. 

"Bet it's brilliant to have her back for the day eh Sharon?"

"Yes, definitely." I smile.

She returns it, putting down a coffee pot and brushing her hands down on the front of her trousers. "Well, what can I get ya?"

"Ummm; I'll just have a cup of tea.... loads of sugar.... and.... Vicki?"

She's sat at a table, her chin pressed into her palm. Her mind's wandered off already. "Wha'? Oh erm.... hot chocolate and a massive sticky bun."

My smile grows wider as I turn back to Jane and push a fiver across the counter.

"Comin' right up."

I pull the chair out and sit opposite Vicki. She smiles weakly, registering my presence. Her hands slide across the table and she holds mine, but still; it's not as if she's really here, a dreamy look on her face.

"Hang on," I mutter suspiciously. "I know that look miss."

"What look?" she asks indignantly, even though a defeated smile has crept across her lips.

"You've got a fella haven't you?"

 "You can tell?"

"I might not have seen you for a long time darlin', but I haven't forgotten you; I remember the signs, and that look is one of them."

Hey little sister, what have you done?
Hey little sister, who's your only one?
Hey little sister, who's your superman?
Hey little sister, who's the one you want?

"So c'mon, what's he like?"

"His name's Jed; he's brilliant Sharon, he really is."

"How long have you been seeing him?"

"Six months."

Hey little sister, what have you done?
Hey little sister, who's your only one?
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've let you go for so long

"Bloody hell Vicks; that sounds like well proper commitment for you babe!"

"Hey, shut up!" she squeals, whacking me on the arm with her hand. "I wish you could have met him-"

"You should have brought him over with you."

"He didn't want to intrude; thought it should stay a family thing."

I roll my eyes. "Have you tried explaining our family to the poor guy?"

"What you mean; my dad's done a runner; my mum's the same age as my sister, and my sister's marrying my brother? Sure he'd love that Sharon."

I stare at her, hoping she doesn't believe the description that's just come from her mouth. She catches sight of my face and smiles, dipping her eyes.

"Oh no. No; Sharon, I don't mean it. I'm cool, honestly."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm really happy for the pair of you."

"Really?"

"Really."

Jane strolls over and places the desired massive sticky bun in front of Vicki. She trails her finger across the icing and puts her finger in her mouth, her eyes fluttering.

"You're such a big kid. Cheers Jane."

"No problem. Are you all set for...." her glance flits to the clock ticking away on the wall. "....well, later on today?"

"Course she is, now I'm here. There's not anything this wedding needs now is there?"

Jane chuckles. "Guess not." 

"Course not darlin'." I agree.

Jane pauses. "Well, enjoy guys." And she goes back to wiping down surfaces.

I sip my tea; my gaze once again fixed upon my engagement ring. Almost immediately; my stomach jolts again.

"Sharon; are you OK? You look really tired. Maybe me getting a late-night flight back here wasn't such a great idea.... you should go home to bed-"

"Don't be daft. You're here now, and we have so much to talk about."

"But today's your wedding day. You don't wanna have bags under your eyes in the photos do you?"

"Oh thanks very much."

"No, I didn't mean that.... but what time's the ceremony?"

"Ten."

"There you go then. You're getting married in eight hours and I bet you haven't slept at all for worrying."

 "No." I admit. "No I haven't."

Vicki pushes the bun away, scrapes her chair back and tries to pull me to my feet by the hands. "C'mon then; you're going to sleep."

"Vicki!" I moan, stubbornly pushing back on my feet so she isn't really suceeding in her task. "Just leave me alone will you?"

She blinks, a bit stunned. I could just blame my irritation on the time; but-

"Sharon.... Sharon, what's wrong?"

I press my hands against my face, moaning quietly. "This is such a mess; how did I let it get like this-"

She sinks back into a seat. "Let what- like what?"

"Vicki; I love him. I really really love him; he'll know that right?"

She nods robotically. "Yes.... Sharon; I don't get what you're panicking about...." Then she falls silent. "Are you cheating on Dennis?"

My mouth falls open. "What?! No, I'm not. I love him for God's sake!"

"So what's the panic?"

"Vicki; the wedding scares me. Really really scares me." I admit quietly. My stomach relaxes slightly, confirming that was my worry, even though I couldn't confess it to myself.

"Why?" she questions, confused.

"I've done it all before haven't I? I cocked it all up. All of it. I don't wanna ruin Dennis too. I think marrying him.... I think it's a bad idea."

And her cheeks swell like she wants to laugh. "Sharon; you're engaged to him. That means at some point, you agreed to this. You agreed to a wedding, with the big meringue and-"

I smile weakly, recalling Dennis' proposal as she speaks. "No meringue. Me & Dennis talked about that before he asked me."

"Yeah, that sounds about right, but.... Christ Sharon; it's today!"

"I know! I know! It's not that I don't want it.... I love him; and God, I'm lucky enough that he even asked, let alone that he actually meant it, but.... it just seems to be getting closer and closer, and all I can think is how wrong it went when I was married to Grant. That marriage was a stupid stupid mistake; I deserved it all to go wrong-"

"But Dennis isn't that mistake Sharon; he worships you.... you're made for each other, you really are. Anyone can see that. I mean, I know I wasn't exactly welcoming when you started going out or whatever, but I see it too now. I'm here to see you marry each other and I'm bloody happy about that. Don't let the past ruin today for you please."

"I was engaged to Tom too y'know. He died on me the night of our engagement party-"

"I know, I know. But Dennis isn't Tom; engagement parties are all over and he's still here isn't he? Picture of health...."

"Hmmm, but Vicki... I just... look at me... I don't deserve him."

"You really must be desperate if you're using that line to get out of your own wedding Sharon." she scoffs. "Reality check.... Dennis; ex con; you; successful beautiful-"

"Older-"

"-woman. And not that much older."

"Five years."

"Yeah well, I should imagine that's quite the turn on for Dennis."

My nails are pressed against my jaw, and I'm trying hard not to turn my head and start chewing them. I'm trying not to meet Vicki's eye, cos she's just staring at me, not understanding. I don't blame her, I barely understand myself, but I'm scared. I'm scared that as soon as there's a wdding ring on my finger, all the elements of the relationship I have with Dennis that I love so much will change utterly. That I'll hate it.

"Vicks, I don't want it to change."

"So you don't want to marry him?"

"I don't want it to change. I don't want him to love me differently."

"Eh?"

"Well, what are me and Dennis about eh? Look how we started out-"

"Sneaking round for sex?"

The edge in Vicki's voice reminds me starkly of the bitterness she addressed us with when she discovered our relationship. It makes my spine lock with fear, worrying that it hasn't gone away. But when I look up; she just shrugs and smiles again.

"We're just passionate people. Y'know, the day he proposed to me; I'd chucked a glass at him in the middle of a fight."

Vicki snorts. "Sounds like Dad and Ange."

"That's what your Gran said. And it worries me that everyone might be right. I mean, what happened to them eh? She drank herself to death and he was off shagging anything in a skirt." I can't help but think of Zoe for a second, but even just the image of her face repulses me, so I shove it from my mind.

"Dennis has already done all that Sharon. And anyone can see he loves you; really really loves you. I don't think he's ever managed that before; so this means everything to him. Marrying you is everything to him."

"Please don't." I whimper, shaking my head. "Just don't. My mum and dad.... marriage wasn't for them was it? And if we are just like them, me and Dennis, then it ain't for us either."

"Why haven't you said all this before? You've been engaged for long enough, you could have called it all off."

"But it was such a big step for us. What if calling off the engagement meant the end of everything?"

"Of you and Dennis?" she questions, her eyes wide in the surprise I could even suspect that. "No chance. You two need each other too much."

I rub my hands nervously up my arms. "I know. But that's the point. I need him so much Vicki.... I'm not risking it. I'd rather marry him even if I'm scared, than be honest and lose him. I've lost him too many times; I'm never ever going through that again." 

"I thought the one thing you didn't want was a miserable marriage? You'd rather that than...."

"Being alone? Yes, I would. I believe in Dennis totally; if it was just us, we could make it work; but- I don't want us to turn into good ol' "Den & Ange". But it's like a bloody prophecy....." I shake my head, releasing a deep sigh as I realise how pathetic I sound. "No, look it's all OK. We're getting married, that's all there is to it. These are all just..... stupid.... stupid insecurities; that's all."

"Are you sure?"

~*~

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again

"Oh. Hiya."

I turn at the sound of Dennis' voice, grateful at the distraction so as not to have to answer Vicki's question, Because I can't right now, I don't know.

"Dennis!"

Vicki gets up and rushes at Dennis, and he just manages to catch her into a tight hug. "Heya sis. Ow ow ow, you wanna ease off a bit?"

"Sorry." she giggles, pulling back. I feel her eyes fall to me, boring into my back. Trying to point something out there Vicks?

Dennis makes a warm gurgling noise, and pushes his arm across my shoulders, inclining his head to press his lips firmly on my mouth. "Hey you."  

See, right now, I know I love what's between us. But what if, at ten o'clock this morning, it suddenly becomes different and the relationship is unrecognisable?

"Hey." I answer awkwardly. I get up, and Dennis slips into my now vacant seat, pulling me back into his lap.

Vicki's sat back across the table from us, and she hums happily to herself as she watches us. "Hey," she starts suddenly, waving her hands about in some undecipherable gesture. "Isn't this bad luck? Seeing each other on the morning on the wedding?"

"If morning's what you can call it."

"Oh I know how that feels." Vicki cries, rubbing her eyes vigorously with her palms. "Where have you been anyway?"

"I just fancied a coffee, not a crime is it?"

"You know where the coffee is Dennis." I tell him. "Second cupboard on the left-"

"Yeah except.... I wasn't at home. I've been at the bookies...."

"At this time of night?"

"Welll.... I kinda needed the distraction."

It's Vicki who voices the next obvious question. I don't need to; I understand it completely.

"Why?"

He looks at me sheepishly as he answers her. "Nerves.... the whole wedding thing's new to me y'know-" He gives me a weak smile. I return it.

Vicki drains her cup. "You're gonna be fine y'know.... the pair of you. Jane, can I have another hot chocolate over here? Sharon? Dennis? Want anything?"

"No thanks darlin'."

"Not for me either. Now that I've found you.... and this bloody gorgeous woman here; I'm gonna head back home." Dennis looks at me. "Coming?"

I nod, already disentangling my arms from around Dennis' neck and getting to my feet. 

"Hang on; you're going to be sleeping together?"

Despite Vicki's innocent face, Dennis can't help but smirk, wrapping his arms round my waist. He moves us from side to side, nestling his chin into my shoulder. "Well.... now that you mention it-"

I whack him across the stomach. "Stop it! Yeah Vicks, we are. I mean, I know it's not the tradition an' all that, but I'd feel better sleeping in my own bed with...."

"With me."

"Yes alright, I get the picture! Go already!"

Hugs and kisses promptly exchanged until we all meet again for the ceremony later; we head off; leaving Vicki with her hot chocolate, happily telling Jane all about Jed.

Stepping outside and pulling the door after me, Dennis stands there, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I stare at him; then outstretch my hand, waiting for him to take it. I can tell by the smile that flits across his face that it mirrors our very first night together. The thing is; back then, it was me who pulled away, completely unsure. My uncertainities are new, but I know he'll take my hand, happy to.

When we get back to the flat, my eyes begin to itch; so I quickly get undressed and slip into one of Dennis' shirts, fiddling with the buttons.

Dennis' jeans have pooled at his feet; he steps out of them, and comes over to me; smiling down on me as he takes up the edges of the shirt and buttoning it up for me.

"Love you."

"Good."

And we get into bed. He lies beside me, the backs of my legs pressed against his calves. He winds his arm around me to draw me close against him, and I realise it was a good choice spending tonight with him. This feeling is just so brilliant. He falls asleep after a while, murmuring to himself in his sleep. That's comforting too, but still I can't sleep. I lie there, waiting the beside alarm let the minutes tick by. For hours, worries buzzing around in my head that I just don't want to address; too scared to, too scared I'll talk myself out of the best thing to happen to me since Tom. I scooch my head deeper into the pillow, tearing my gaze from the clock, but it's just not happening. I'm not going to sleep. Brilliant, I'm going to be looking like a panda in my wedding photos, massive dark rings around my eyes.

I try and ignore the dusky light entering the room. It's apparently 6 o'clock in the morning. I'm getting married in 4 hours and I haven't slept a wink.

I press my hand against where Dennis' hands are clasped lovingly around my waist, pressing into my stomach..

"Why haven't you slept?"

I flinch in surprise and hearing Dennis' groggy voice fill the room. "Oh God," I gasp, "you scared me."

"Sorry. Now tell me why you weren't asleep."

"How do you know I wasn't?" I mumble, not moving to meet his eye.

"Because I've spent the whole night... or morning... holding you and all you've done is wriggle and twitch. Have you slept at all?"

"No."

"Are you nervous?"

"Are you?" I counter immediately, back-tracking rapidly from the subject of me and my feelings.

"I asked first." he murmurs knowingly. "But yeah, I am. Like I said to Vicki, this is all new to me-"

"Not to me eh? One failed marriage already under my belt-"

"Oi!" he says, nudging me. "You can't talk like that on our wedding day. I bloody well forbid it OK? You and Grant, that was different.... me and you.... we're meant."

"Are we?"

"Well I think so... Sharon?"

"What?" I try and pull the duvet up to shield my guilty face.

"You still believe this right?"

"Course I do."

He shuffles in the bed and hovers over me. "So do you want to marry me?"

"Dennis, I love you."

"That's not what I asked."

And his gorgeous green eyes sear into me, a sad mist taking them over. I turn my head away, resting it into the pillow. Dennis sighs, and falls back next to me, kicking the duvet back, and swinging his legs to the floor.

"Brilliant." he breathes. "Just brilliant."

"Please darlin', don't be angry at me." I scramble up and edge across the bed on my knees, the mattress bouncing slightly. I lean against his back, clasping my hands round his shoulders, and nervously kissing his blade. "I love you." I repeat shakily; the realisation of what the following moments could bring making me want to burst into tears. 

He shrugs me away. "Sharon, the wedding's today." he says bluntly. "Our wedding is today."

"I know."

"Is that it? Is it cos it's today and you're-"

"No."

"So you just don't want to marry me? See, I'm slightly confused.... when someone proposes to you and you say "yes", it usually means you're agreeing... y'know to the whole wedding thing..."

"Stop it. Just stop it, please."

"I can't. I want to know where all this has come from..... you've been really happy organising everything.... and now suddenly you don't want it?"

I whimper. He finally turns and looks at me, so I avert my gaze.

"Talk to me." he says softly.

"I can't. I can't risk it." I tell him, shaking my head feverently.

"Risk what?"

"You. It doesn't matter what's going on in my head Dennis... I'm marrying you today."

He smiles briefly then shakes his head. "No. These things.... I want to hear them before we even leave this room, let alone get married."

"Please don't. I've told you, I can't risk it."

"Why not? What am I going to do?" He turns, settling himself back on the bed, his legs crossed, reaching over to hold my hands in his, resting them in his lap.

"Leave me?" I suggest meekly, barely meeting his eye.

He chuckles. He's rubbing little circular movements across the surface of my engagement ring with his thumb as he holds my hands. "You think? Do you even remember what happened before I proposed Sharon?"

"Yes. You said you wouldn't walk out on me just cos of a row."

"Exactly. This isn't even a row; so why would I leave you?"

"Because I know proposing was a big deal-"

"Well, it usually is for most people..."

"But we're not most people. It meant so much more to us because of everything and now- Dennis, I really love what we have darlin', I really do."

"Well, good!"

"But I'm scared."

"What of?"

I stare hard into his lap; where are fingers lay entwined. He notices my gaze and squeezes my hand. So I steel myself to look back up at him.

"Sharon; tell me what you're scared of. I'm not angry, I'm not going anywhere; I just want to know what's going through your head."

"I don't want us to change."

He nods steadily, taking it in. "Then why did you agree to marry me?"

"Because you asked me..... you asked me and you meant it." I gulp.

"I still do..." he murmurs sincerely, and it makes my heart break. How can I be such a selfish cow? "...but you don't do you?"

I say nothing. Dennis' fingers hook over my engagement ring, and he twists it.

"What are you doing?"

"Take it off."

"What? Why?"

"Just take it off."

Dumbfounded, I do as he says. My finger feels immediately naked without it; I'd gotten accustomed to it.

"Give it to me."

He holds out his hand, and I press it into his palm. His fingers curl instinctively over it.

"What does that mean Dennis?" I whisper. Is this it? Engagement over? Oh God....

"Well, that's up to you baby." He catches my look of confusion, smiles and moves to explain. "Like I said Sharon, I'm not leaving this bed, this room til I hear everything you have to say. And if at the end of it, you still want to go through with this come ten o'clock, you can have it back. If you don't; then.... I'll just get rid of it."

A bubble of panic rises up inside me. "No Dennis please-"

"What?" he asks calmly, leaning towards me. His lips brush mine. My palms curl around his neck, desperate to keep him close. I feel his lips tremble as he laughs beneath our kiss. As he pulls away, he inclines his head and murmurs, "I told you I wouldn't leave.... just talk to me."

I hate it. There's something about Dennis that can't be explained.... something that means however much I wish I could just shut up; he can make me talk, reveal anything. This is one of those moments, my stomach knotted in fear. His reassurances don't do much to ease this.

"I.... I'm scared the relationship will change. I'm fucking petrified..... everyone saying how much we're like mum & dad.... I think this is cursed, I can't help it, but I think we'll change, and I don't want to. I agreed to marry you because..... because the engagement was like a statement.... letting everyone; all the doubters know that we were in this for the long haul, like you said; but it was without the commitment; the legality.... I felt safe; but marriage changes a lot of things...."

"Like what?"

"I don't know!" I cry in frustration, knowing all the worry and doubt is there in my head but not being able to explain it. "Everything. What if we treat each other different? We're not pipe and slippers material babe; we're.... me and you.... right from the beginning..... it was about passion and..."

He titters in amusement. "Are you worrying about sex?" 

"No!" I bleat. "Well, not entirely."

"Good. Because believe me," he pauses and smirks, "I don't want anything to change there, married or not."

"You can say that now, but.... I can't explain it."

"Try."

"Wha- what if the way we work together changes when we get married? I just keep thinking about the day you proposed and; and you said...."

"What did I say?"

"You said that we'd row, you'd say out of order stuff and that I'd chuck things at you-"

"Which you'd done."

"I know. But that is Den and Ange. I don't want us to be like that. They hated each other-"

"Well, there's your major difference then babe. I don't hate you. I worship you for God's sake... we won't be like that, I promise."

"Can you really promise though?" I ask dubiously.

"I just have."

I ignore him. "I mean, they must have loved each other enough at some point to want to marry; just like you and me, but it killed them. That marriage murdered all feeling; and I can't let that happen again. Not to me."

"So.... you love me too much to marry me?"

"What we've got's special." I tell him, avoiding the question. "Marriage.... it just wrecks things. Mum and Dad, me and Grant.... me and Tom...."

"But you weren't married to Tom..."

"I know. We were engaged the night he died... and sometimes I think that if we weren't engaged; he would still be here-"

"Don't be stupid." he says quietly.

"I can't help it." I answer, my cheeks flushing.

Dennis shrugs. "Sorry Sharon, but I don't care. If Tom had lived.... where would I be eh? Still shagging around, cos believe me, now I know different, I never want that again. I'm ready for all this. I want all this... with you."

I fall silent as I contemplate that. Where would Dennis be if Tom had lived and I had married him?

"When did you start loving me?" I ask quickly.

"What?"

"When? I mean, if you'd known your..." I hesistate to use the word. "..."sister" was married.... would you have still come here?"

"I wasn't looking to fall for you Sharon." he says defensively.

"I know. But at some point you did, so tell me, would you still have come here to play brothers and sisters if I'd married Tom?"

"No." he confesses, nibbling at his lip as his gaze slides uneasily to me, waiting for my reaction. "Bur that's good.... you saved me from a shitting miserable existence Sharon;"

"I wish you wouldn't talk like that. I didn't do anything.... I just let myself fall for you that's all."

"Yeah well, maybe that's all I wanted."

I caress his cheek, aware of how much I love him, and hate myself for harbouring doubts.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" he murmurs, pressing my hand against his cheek and smiling contently.

"I'm sorry I couldn't sleep."

He laughs. "So am I. The point is, that's one way me and you are different to Den & Ange; I don't want secrets between us darlin', ever. I mean, I couldn't have anymore could I?" he continues awkwardly. "Jack and all that..."

"Shhh."

"I... I don't mind calling today off y'know."

I smile gratefully but- "I know you do; I can see it in your face.... I'm so sorry. I do want to marry you, I do. I want to show everyone I'm serious about you, but I can't stop the feeling that it'll go wrong; and I don't want that, not after all it's taken to get this far."

"What, and you don't think I'd fight to keep it together if anything happened? I love you remember? You're everything."

"I know! That's my point... what if it falls apart, it's everything ruined!"

"No, cos I told you... I'd fight for it."

"Haven't me and you done enough of that?"

"This will be different. I won't be fighting to be with you; it's to make sure you're happy."

"Never mind me." I say quietly, edging closer to him. He drops my hands and he reaches to hold me appreciatively. "Is marrying me really what you really want?"

"That was kinda the reasoning behind asking you."

I smirk. "Don't lie. It was a challenge.... you'd never have done it-"

"I so would."

"Why me eh? I mean, consider it, look at the way all my relationships have turned out.... you can't seriously want to be part of it."

"Well, I do. And absolutely nothing you can say is gonna change my mind. So, please.... just marry me."

He is so close, his breath as he speaks hot and ticklish against my cheek. I move back.

"I wish I could...."

"Well, what's stopping you eh? I know you're worrying, but that's what the point of marriage is, it's having someone to look after you-"

"And that's all?"

"I think so. I'm not going to be wrapping you up in cotton wool or anything; but I'll be there-"

I nod numbly. "I always thought marriage was about wanting to start families...."

Dennis scowls and gets up, busying himself with getting dressed, pulling on his jeans from where they lay in a heap on the floor, and scooping up a jumper and pulling it over his head. "I'm not even talking about that Sharon."

"Why-"

"I just won't. I'm not going to call off our wedding.... the most important day of our lives, because you're back to beating yourself up over the fact we're not going to have kids together... and y'know maybe we will..."

"How?" I scoff. "I'm stuffed up remember?"

He rushes towards me and grasps by the shoulders. "Listen to me; you will not talk like that. I know how important it all is to you, and maybe, maybe there are ways round it; we could adopt-"

I shake my head, remembering my own miserable upbringing. 

Dennis rolls his eyes, and his hands edge up, cupping my face. "I know what you're going to say, but just listen to me OK? Adoption's not that bad an idea; I knew this woman who was adopted and she turned out fine. Bloody gorgeous strong woman; she was a bit of a Daddy's girl for a while, but I fell totally in love with her. She was fine-"

A warmth spreads over me as I take in those words."Would "she" be me by any chance?"

"How'd you guess?" he beams, kissing me. "Don't make me beg you Sharon. I'm telling you, I was made for this, everything to do with you; I can try my damnedest to make everything right for you, for us, but only if you'll let me."

"I want to. I want to so badly."

"You need to trust me to do this for you. Please don't head into this, a relationship, a marriage, whatever.... don't go in there expecting it to go wrong, cos you'll be the one cursing everything darlin', not Den and your mum; not any prophecy or whatever you wanna call it; you. And I want you to believe that I love you enough to stop anything, anything that will make you scared about how this'll turn out."

"You'll do that?"

He gives me a massive smile and draws me close. I feel his cheek twitch across my own as he laughs softly. "Course I will. It's what I'm supposed to do."

I sigh, feeling defeated, wrapping my arms around him and pressing into his muscular back. "I wish... God I wish-"

"I know, I know." Dennis says, hushing me. "I do too. But first I want-"

"Dennis?"

"Hmmm?"

"I want it back. I want my engagement ring back."

"Are you sure?"

"You said I had to trust you right? This is me doing it. Give me the ring back."

He gives me the wry lopsided smile and pulls away from me, shifting his leg from where it was curled up underneath him and gets up, wandering across the room. He heads round towards me, and crouches down, looking up at me; the dank sunlight filtering into the room highlighting the tiredness on his face. My poor darlin'.

"Pretty soon Sharon, me and you are gonna be making promises we have to live by for the rest of our lives."

"I know. And I'll mean them all."

"I'm not questioning that. I just.... don't think they're the "right" promises." The confusion etched in my face, he takes my hands and pulls me to my feet. "Come with me."

And we stand there together. Slowly he uncurls his hand, takes the ring from his palm and holds it between his forefinger and thumb. 

"You want this ring baby?"

I try and grab it. "You know I do." But he swipes it away.

"In that case, you're gonna have to promise me a couple of things; and I don't mean "love, honour & obey" either. Give me your hand."

Bemused, I give it to him. "Is this a second proposal?"

"Close. I guess you'd call it the rules of engagement.... now then-" He brings the ring up to his lips and kisses the diamond, his eyes burning starkly into mine. Then he takes my hand, spreading my fingers, and pushing the ring just over the tip of my wedding finger. "Promise me you'll trust me to make our marriage work."

There is nothin' fair in this world

"Promise."

He pushes the ring a tiny fraction further along my finger.

"Promise me you'll always talk to me, whatever it is, promise me I'll know."

There is nothin' fair in this world

"Promise."

Further.

There is nothin' sure in this world
There is nothin' pure in this world

"Promise me that this marriage is about me and you; not about your mum and dad and how we're destined to become them. Me & you Sharon, nothing else."

I nod, gripping his other hand tighter as I say "Yes. Yes, I promise."

The hand that I clasp in mine begins to quiver slightly. He gulps, dipping his eyes. Then he slowly looks back to me. "And please darlin', above all elese, don't let the fact you won't carry a little baby Rickman in there overshadow the fact that I am completely utterly in love with you. That's how it's always gonna be."

Look for somethin' left in this world
And start again

And I see that there are tears in his eyes. He really is desperate for me not to hurt. For me not to forget how lucky I am that he loves me.

"Oh darlin', darlin' please!" I whisper, pressing my hand against his neck and drawing him close, rocking him gently. He nestles his face into my shoulder, gulping back the emotion. "Yes. God, I swear. I promise you Dennis. I do."

He sniffs and draws back, taking up my hand again and pushing the ring further still along my long finger, nodding solemnly.

"Last promise. Promise you'll marry me today."

Look for somethin' left in this world
And start again
It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again

And he looks at me, with such an intense sincerity burning in his eyes; it breaks my heart. How... why did I ever doubt him and what he has for me? Tears sting in my own sleep deprived eyes.

"You still want me; the insecure, pathetic ungrateful bitch that I am?"

His lips twist into an amused smile. "I've always wanted you Sharon. Forever, remember?"

"You still mean it?"

"Uh huh. Always will."

Oh God, what have I done to deserve him?

"Yeah. I promise baby. I'll be there OK, don't worry. Yes, I will."

And he beams at me, pushing the ring the rest of the way along my finger before instinctively hugging me. "Congratulations. We're engaged."

My eye slides to the clock. It's 7 in the morning, and I giggle. "Dennis, the wedding's in three hours!"

"I know. But what can I say, I always was an impatient fucker." 

"Why did I ever wonder about you Dennis Rickman?" I whisper against his ear. "You and me, we're gonna be perfect. Sharon & Dennis Rickman. Forever."

"Sounds brilliant eh?" he grins, then falls silent for a moment, concentrating on entwining our fingers. "I know I'd never have exactly struck you as husband material Sharon; but I want it, and I'm gonna make this the best marriage ever, I swear."

"I know. And thank you. Someone needed to make me see that before I threw it all away. If this is going to be the most important thing I ever do, then it's best I'm doing it with you." I reply, stretching up to tenderly kiss his beautiful lips. "I can't wait."

Come on
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a white wedding
It's a nice day to start again