Your Kind Of Love

I can't stand being behind the bar. Which means I can't ignore the mangled thoughts pounding along to the roar of music filling the place just like the smoke does, the drunken laughter. And if I can't stand being behind the bar, then damn it, I have nowhere to hide. I've always had somewhere to hide. That's how I've survived this long. That's right, survived. I haven't been living at all. And right now, head pounding, eyes itching with tiredness and my chest painfully tight with the need to scream out at the unfairness of it all, this is barely an existence.

I hate it, I hate all of it so much. I'm beginning to shiver, repulsed almost by the fact that this is my reality. It could have been so different, it could. My darlin' came to me, wanting to live his life with me, brave enough to try again - if only I could give him the one thing I never will. And that doesn't just hurt because of how damn much I wanted to throw my arms around him, to draw his body as close to mine as has always been right between us and promise him the world - our world. It doesn't just hurt because, yes, in his weakness, he broke promises to me. And it doesn't just hurt because of how much I wish I could give him what he says he wanted. 

Maybe it's not true anymore. Maybe my rejection stole that desire. But just imagining it, the truth of it, carrying Dennis' child inside me, knowing that it was truly mine too to give to him, to lay in his arms and be so proud of the love in his eyes, because, oh, I do think he'd be a good father... I watched him with little Bobby and he was perfect. But this hurts because he spoke so tenderly, of us, me and him, raising a child together when I just can't. It hurts because it sounded as if I could never be enough for him on my own.

And that's what I've always been. On my own. 

The thing is I know how much he understands that. That's why he's so anxious to reach out and find other people to love. And who better than his own little person?

I only allow the treacherous tears to begin falling once I am safely holed up in the darkness of the office, with all my staff on strict instructions not to disturb me. I'd never want any of them to see me in this kind of state. And a state it is, rivers pouring freely from my eyes as I shake. I'm supposed to be Sharon Watts, strong and confident business-woman. That's why it's better to be alone. Because anything above the simplest emotion seems to shatter me.

And let's face it, love... yes, love is anything but simple.

He's breaking my heart and I just can't let him know it. Because I can't let him that close. Not again. Even though every fibre of my broken being is screaming for him as I sob so uncontrollably, I have to bite it back. Because we don't matter to each other like that anymore. We can't.

I barely manage to straighten my back and take in a breath as I move shakily across the office, pouring myself a very liberal measure of wine into an even bigger glass and collapsing miserably behind the desk with no intention of looking at the papers piled upon it.

I never meant to hurt him, never. But how about how he hurt me? How could he leave me like that and suddenly be so sure it was me he wanted after all? Only he's not sure is he? It's not me he wants, he wants a package that I can't give. And to say the words would have killed me, so instead I told him to go back to Zoe. The desperate, snivelling little cow, I knew she'd have him back in a shot. But he kept going on, asked me for another chance. How was I supposed to give it to him when I myself have none?

And Zoe was there, ready to steal him from me all over again. I felt sick. Because I, Sharon Watts, had no ace to play. And he was vicious, really vicious as he spoke to me. Only I know it wasn't him talking, not really. It was the drink, it was the hurt.

See, that's the thing about me and Dennis. That's why we'll never work however much we want to. We can say we love each other, whether we mean it or not, but we'll never stop hurting each other.

It doesn't mean we weren't right though. So many people had an opinion, said it was wrong, but it wasn't. We were just two people, that's all we've ever been really. And now, that's all we'll ever be. Because he's moved on. Except he hasn't. Not if he can say those things to me in the hope I'll forgive him, love him in the way he says he still loves me, and then be parading Zoe under my nose hours later.

I don't know if she did go round the house tonight, because I've been here. And I realise, with a sip deep enough from my glass to make my head buzz uncomfortably, that I don't want to know either, because I know what they'd be doing. Just the thought of Dennis... with anyone, it makes me sick, it sends me crazy. That's why all these thoughts are so tangled. Because I can never stop wondering... when he's doing that with her... is he thinking of me? The way we used to be together?

Bitterly, I realise that I'm a fool, finding intimacies in all those times that Dennis & I.... sex has always been sex to him hasn't it? Hell, he was bed-hopping as soon as he rocked up in the Square. There was never any feeling behind it for him. And yet, he made it feel so...

Oh, I can't keep hiding out here can I? He can't know I'm running away from all that the two of us know is true. I'm better than that, and I can... I can be better without him. What choice do I have now? I made it, I made my choice, and oh, it may have been the wrong one, one that'll keep me awake for bitter tears in lonely nights for as long as I dare to live, but I had to do it, for him. The selfish, selfish bastard. I did it for him because I... I can never be enough. I could spend forever loving him with all of my wasted heart and torn soul and I'll still never be enough. Good luck to him and his delusions if he really believes Zoe Slater can be the answer.

But what can I do? I have to let go don't I? Back into my age-old charade, keep smiling so Dad will never suspect. And as for Dennis, where's the use in loving a man who isn't brave enough to love me back as he might have done? I might break my heart for him in this loneliness, and yet there is no point, because he refuses to acknowledge he once knew how to make the pieces fit. I think he knows still, that something could be done with my broken heart before it's too late, if only he was brave enough. And he isn't, so "too late" has come and gone, I see that now - however miserable it strives to make me.

Heavily, I pull myself up from my chair and take my bag in my hands. I go back up the corridor and into the bar, stepping out onto the floor and weaving through the last crowds of the night. It's nearly three in the morning, my doormen having come in for a well-earned drink at half-two when we admitted last entry. My eyes itch with tiredness I pray will have the heart to take me as soon as I crawl so miserably into my bed. I don't want to have to pass any more hours like this.

I walk slowly back across the Square. Even through the blinds, I can tell there's still some light coming from our lounge. My stomach jolts. Are they still up, Dennis with his arms mechanically wound around Zoe as she snuggles against him, the both of them apparantly taking in some mind-numbing film that's broadcast in the early hours of the morning for a reason. No... No, I doubt that very much. Idle bastard probably just hasn't bothered turning off the lamps before dragging himself, or worse, her, to bed.

I drag my feet as I climb the steep stairwell, wishing I might not find my keys as I rummage in my bag so I can go call on Kate instead and drink wine until forever, never having to recognise that this lonely, miserable mess is in fact, my life. But, keys unfortunately found, I let myself into the cold building that apparantly can still dare to be my home.

I draw in an apprehensive breath as I am swallowed by the darkness of the hall. I kick off my shoes and step cautiously forward, turning towards the lounge and promptly stumbling over a heap of high heeled shoes. I curse sharply beneath my breath at the pain that coarses through my stubbed big toe and glare down at the offending shoes, certainly too garish and too cheap to be mine, or to belong to any woman in this house. Except one.

Nausea swamps my tight stomach, twisting it as I look round the dimly lit room and see that clothes are strewn everywhere. His... hers. Everywhere. Taunting me. I try and ignore it, stomping over to the drinks cabinet and pouring myself a hefty measure of whiskey and gulping it back immediately, gasping because... well, I've always hated the taste. I swear, I only drink to punish myself, but isn't this scene alone doing that enough for me, isn't Dennis? Oh God... to be somewhere else right now...

But no. I just need.... a steady hand, composure.

Taking a deep breath, I move round the room, picking up the garments and folding them all carefully, piling them up on the couch where they must have been laying together. Oh God, did they... here? No, no... mustn't think it. Only, as I lift his discarded shirt, I so pathetically cannot help but bury my face in it, taking in his ever intoxicating scent as it has been left on the fibres of the material. Why do I- Why must he torture me like this?

Blinking back the tears, I fold the shirt too and, the room now clear, drinking down more whiskey before abandoning the drained tumbler and avoiding Zoe's heels to go and trudge up the stairs, trying hard not to make any noise at all. I dart across the landing, feeling so incredibly lonely as I lean heavily against my bedroom door, ready to step in. It isn't tiredness that itches in my eyes anymore. As ever, they are tears. It's gonna be another one of those nights. The ones I hate the most. The kind that have me aching for the man that lies not fifteen feet away. But oh, it may as well be a world now.

Vision blurred, I still cannot miss the activity of Dennis' own bedroom door. I quickly sniffle back the tears, feeling my whole body stiffen in readiness for some kind of battle. That's how every night has felt since he left me, but oh, to see him for the first time after everything we said this afternoon?

He steps out onto the landing, his back to me as he draws the door shut after his own exit. I try and hold my breath, but that hurts, just the sight of him.... I know how it has to be. It kills me, but what can I do? I'm not enough, remember?

Take your time... close the door
I won't stand in your way anymore

When he turns round and sees me there, he jolts a little and then... then he somehow finds the nerve to smile. It makes it easier, sweeter on all the agony, to see how uncomfortable it makes him. It's my heart he's trampling here. But hey, anything to save face right?

"You enjoy doing this to me, don't you?" I whisper, sounding so broken. I... I should be full of hate, and yet in his gutlessness, all he can do is destroy me.

He doesn't look at me, shuffling his weight as he stares at the floor and stowing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Clean ones, I'm hoping, given that his last pair, that is the pair that he let Zoe force off him, are downstairs, folded by my own hands. My God, I should be throttling him but instead? I'm folding his bloody jeans.

"I... uh... I sorted your clothes... downstairs."

"Oh. Right. Thanks."

"Not that it'd kill you to tidy up after yourself."

Lifting his head a little more, I catch the wry smile sat on his lips as he lazily scrunches his shoulders. "Yeah well, I was busy weren't I?"

"Yeah. Good night was it?"

"Better than my afternoon." he shoots back darkly. "You?" 

I flinch and oh, at last, that much needed hate flares. He isn't about to blame me. It's his own needs that have torn us away from one another today, if this is how he chooses to lick his wounds then... fuck him - Zoe's ever willing. "Don't make like you care, Dennis. We both know it ain't real."

"You know that for a fact do ya?"

"Do we deal in facts now darlin'? Alright. This afternoon, you told me you love me - fact. This evening, you're fucking her like she can make it all go away - fact. And the two, they just don't seem to add up right for me. I hope for your sake she did it for you, Dennis, because I'm not up for the fight anymore, alright? I give up. Have her."

He blinks, stunned, and for a few seconds, he can't say anything at all. But then I notice the failsafe curve in the side of his mouth that wants so much to become that certain smirk. Only I know that nothing about the equation of Zoe & Dennis makes him certain. And that's the agony he'll have to deal with now. I refuse to be hurt anymore.

"Don't worry, I will. Not that I ever needed your permission, Sharon-"

"Oh, you did. She ain't what you want, Dennis and I sincerely hope she makes you perfectly miserable as a result. But I'm not gonna stay around to watch."

Sucking in a breath, he stands stall, his expression still mocking me. "Running away again eh?"

I can see by the flare in his eyes, he really wants to have hurt me just a little bit more for leaving him to everything he certainly doesn't want for his own, but for that exact reason he just can't manage it. It's his turn to feel this pain now. "You could say that, yeah. But... you'll get over it, won't you?" 

Though his expression doesn't change, as taunting and stony as ever, I see the devestation in his eyes. They've never lied to me, and right now, my darlin' is feeling the first waves of the crushing loneliness. And that hurts me, it does. This is the man I love. But he's also the man that doesn't dare to love me for me, because that's all I am. I'm just me. I can make him no promises.

I sigh heavily, heart aching with regret. "Why'd you have to make it be this way, Dennis?"

"What?"

Summoning just a little strength, I straighten my back and step away from my bedroom door, towards him. "Today. Why did you have to say anything... ask me... that?"

He claws back his lip, biting anxiously down into it as his gaze refuses to meet mine. "I had a right to know."

I swallow down a painful lump in my throat. "What, and... when we were together... you didn't? You didn't believe- you didn't know that I loved you? And tonight... why is she even here? Hmmm? What's Zoe doing in your bed, what d'you need her for?"

"I'd have thought you'd remember that one well, Sharon."

"You're doing it... Hell, you're doing her just to crucify me! It should be me with the doubts Dennis, it should be me screaming to know if you ever felt... felt! Do ya? Really? You tell me, what the Hell have you done since you left me that'd have me believing you still feel anything for me? You're out to hurt me and I'm damned if I'll let you do it anymore! So yeah, if I wanna keep running away then bloody Hell, that's what I'm gonna do, alright?"

As I turn away, determined not to spend another night in this house while another woman lies in his bed, his hand yanks hard at my wrist, making me wince in pain as he pulls me round again, his eyes ablaze with every emotion he hardly knows how to feel.

"You said it too." he hisses, as if he's furious with me for not just melting into his arms when he was ready for me to do it and driving him to fucking Zoe just for the sake of another painfree night. "You said you still love me Sharon!"

"That's because it's true. I do. But it's no use to either of us and you know that."

"Do I? So why did it ever-"

I can feel the anger prickling. "You! Pushing and pushing and pushing until-" I swallow down that miserable lump. "-until you realised I can never be enough. That's never gonna change because we both know how you feel. And I don't blame you. I just feel... cheated. Because when I leave-"

"You won't-"

I raise an eyebrow to challenge him. "You gonna stop me? Be honest with yourself Dennis. You're not gonna bother. You've got Zoe in there ready to give you two-point-four children and make you happy forever. That's what you really want. And that's want I want too. For you to be happy. And I- I have to go, Dennis because if I stay to watch that happen, I'll be so miserable-"

I'll go call a ride and boy, with a tear in my eye
I will hopelessly put you aside baby, hear me

Dennis' hold on me loosens a little, through shock it seems. His brimming eyes can not escape mine, a shudder of... something leaving his throat, words he daren't speak I suppose.

"I never... I wanted you to-"

"But I'm not. You know that. This whole time... with you and her... you've been parading it in front of me - wasn't it enough to leave me?!"

I could never be with you right beside me
Holding onto something that 
I just can't be holding onto someone who stole my heart
And threw it away

"You tore the soul from me, Dennis cos you... you were the world. Mine. And I could stay here, loving you to death and it'd mean nothing to you cos she's here, cos Dad's here. You're not gonna dare to care about me again and you don't know how much that kills me. But maybe... maybe you did the right thing eh? And maybe... maybe it's just as well I can't give you what you want."

"Just as well?" he echoes, features crumpled in disgust. "How the Hell can you stand there and say that when-?"

But he bites desperately into his lip and looks away. Summoning all that remains of my courage now, I stand against him, reaching up to guide him back to my gaze, feeling the dampness of his falling tears on my fingertips. "-when I know how you feel? Because my darlin', you don't know your own mind. What if I was like her eh? What if I could give you your own child, just like Zoe can? You know I'd do it. But I know I'd regret it. Because as soon as Dad looked at you again, or said whatever he did to make you give up on me, then I'd have such a lonely baby. And if you're not strong enough to want me Dennis, then you're not strong enough to want any family I could ever give you. I wouldn't! Hurt me, fine. Well, it isn't fine, but it's my choice whether or not to believe you when you say you love me. Children don't have that choice, Dennis. They need to know. And you... you'll never be able to tell your children that in all certainty and I think you know that."

"I would, I..."

"No, darlin'. Because they'll be Zoe's children. Have you told her you love her, now she thinks you're everything?"

"I'm never gonna do that."

"Why d'you think you've gotta be so defensive, baby? This is me telling you it's OK. I've had my heart broken before. You're not my first and I sincerely hope you won't be my last. I just... I knew it was still there. For you. But I don't want your love if you need more than I am, more than I have. This is it."

So maybe I'll live and then maybe I'll cry
And maybe I'll break if I tell you goodbye
But I won't be the one waiting for you
Cos that kind of love just don't do it for me

He looks back at me, stricken, trying to make sense of me. And I'm irritated with myself by first noting how in love I am with those eyes. But they let me down, and not long ago, they lied to me and broke my heart. They have to mean less and less.

Irritation aside, I'm privately proud of the way I do not even shake as I turn back towards my own room. I really am getting out of here. I'm gonna live my life before it's gone, love someone, something before there's nothing left inside of me. At least I know there's no-one on this Earth that can strive to damage me while confessing to love me, as much as Dennis Rickman.

I step into my room, well aware of those tortured eyes burning into my form as I leave. I flick the light on, blinking desperately against the harshness of it, busying myself by searching for my bags and going through the age old process of packing up and running away. But my breathing levels itself out as I move around the room, collecting together my belongings by the armful. My head seems clear for the first time in months and my stomach isn't writhing. This is the right decision. Dennis simply has to hope that he make the same out of the mess that has been left behind.

Time goes by, I grow strong
I remember that life carries on

So absorbed in my activity, I don't hear my door creak. But I sense him. I always have. And I can feel the sadness and confusion surrounding him. But I long ago tried to dispel that all for him. He just can't accept that he missed out on what we could have been - never brave enough. Love him I might, but now, knowing that only Zoe Slater remains to console him when I am gone, I pity him too. Am I cruel? Or is he simply deserving?

"Sharon?"

"Yes darlin'?" I question, without even looking up.

"Look at me."

"Dennis, I don't have time, I-"

"For God's sake, look at me!"

I leap back in surprise as he tears my bag back from me in frustration and throws it across the bed. I half collide with him and lose my balance as I try and turn round. Dennis reaches out for me, and I flinch.

"What?"

"I've never meant..."

"No, no, you haven't, that's the problem. And now I'm the fool cos I really believed in us! I really didn't think we'd ever need anyone, anything else, as long as we were together. And if you coulda made that true my darlin', then I hope you see how different this afternoon coulda been for us."

"Would you have let me? Really and truly Sharon, would you have let me say that no-one else mattered? You'd still have said it, no kids so no nothing. Why didn't I get a say? You sent me back here like a child!"

"I can't give you what you want - I never will!"

"I want you!"

"You want the package!" I snap back. "I'm just me and that's all you'll ever get! Don't tell me that's enough Dennis cos if you loved me, you wouldn't lie to me!"

"And if you loved me, you wouldn't be condemning me to this! I need you."

I laugh coldly. "Yeah, cos these last few months, I've really seen that darlin' eh? You didn't have to come back here with her, no matter what I said! But you did, and you know what that says to me? That I'll go away and within the next year, I'll have my dad phoning me, banging on about how his son is building his own precious family with the whore from down the street! And as soon as he uses that word Dennis, it'll be like I never mattered, just like last time and it kills me that in all that time I never stopped loving you. And when you first brought her into this house, you knew exactly how I felt and it was like... you were punishing me for ever feeling like that. Please... tell me... did you want to forget me?"

"No." he whispers, tenderly reaching to wipe the moisture from my eyes. "No. I tried. But it's not what I want. I thought I had to."

"Well, you didn't. So now what you gonna do about it eh?"

I don't even have the time to breathe before I find his mouth pressing urgently to mine, demanding the return of my kiss before we are both sent half mad. And I... I just can't help myself. There are too many frustrations, too much damn pain brought back to the fore by our raging confrontation this afternoon, and knowing that this man... he still loves me, still tastes so damn sweet and earnest even if he can never seem to help but hurt me. Maybe this is supposed to help me heal. At least that's what I cling to, so eager to prolong this moment, but even in this haze, I know it's more likely designed to unwittingly tear me open once again. And still I cannot help myself. He was mine, after all. 

Then you appear, with nothing but love in your eyes
And you casually say in my ear
"Baby, take me home!"
The way you're talking, you keep me hanging on
I never knew I could make your heart my home

But now... oh God, we can't help but touch, hands wandering, grappling. I know what it means, I know where it leads. And I want it, I want him so much. It's been too long, and yet, already I feel used.

"Dennis, no..."

I push him back and although he relents, he looks confused.

"She's in the next room. You really wanna stay in here with me, getting it all off your conscience? I don't want that between us, cos you know how it feels to me? I could be anywhere in the world and yet the moment you need someone to boost you up, make you feel better about yourself, you know you can call on me because you know what I feel will never waiver and... it's your fault I feel any of it. How can you do that to me and then leave me... on my own?"

And now I'm down on my knees, begging, "Please
Don't do this to me!" 

"What, so you want me to go and forget any of it, forget you?"

"Don't talk like it's my fault. This is your doing. I never wanted to let you go in the first place. You let me down and whether Zoe was here or not... it's hard to believe it was ever real... us? But we've gotta keep going right?"

So maybe I'll live and then maybe I'll cry
And maybe I'll break if I tell you goodbye
But I won't be the one waiting for you
Cos that kind of love just don't do it for me

"Why'd you have to keep running?" Dennis demands, frustrated. "I've made mistakes Sharon alright, big ones, but... I really wanna put it right."

"Yeah? You tell me how you're gonna do that, cos the way I see it darlin', we're never gonna stop going round in circles, cos there's always gonna be Dad, always be regret, and I need more than that from you, just like you need more from me."

"You can't up and leave me just to spite me!"

I smile tightly. "What can you do to stop me? We both know you don't have the nerve to-"

"Why d'you think I said it all huh? This afternoon, why d'you think I had to know? Cos all you had to do was say you'd have me back and I swear, it woulda been OK!"

"What, you and me, never any more than that? You'd have gotten bored of me, just like you did last time!"

His facial muscles scrunch in disgust. "I wasn't bored. Sharon, I was scared!"

My voice cracks, the swell of emotion rising from my throat capturing it. "Yeah, well so am I! I can't keep doing this! I can't keep... wondering and hoping, pretending she isn't in my home, kidding myself that everything we had was real. Because if it was Dennis, if it meant so bloody much, then tell me why you gave it up for Dad? I wasn't enough then and I don't think I ever can be. I've never loved anyone like I love you... and if I can't hold on to you... where's the hope? When are you ever gonna be gone from my head, when am I gonna stop wishing...?"

Tell me, do you lie there at night like I lie here
Thinking about you and I.

"You're not."

"Then make me!" I plead tearfully. "Please, you have to stop tormenting me cos I can't take it. I can't love you just to be left!"

Nodding slowly, Dennis gets up from the edge of the bed, turning his back to me, but I caught the glistening of tears on his face and guilt stabbed, then indifference. How dare he? How dare he when he has the girl to make his life in ways I never will warming his bed right now, when he's here, trying his best to climb into mine?

"Maybe that's how I feel too. Maybe that's what I'm so scared of. Being without you. I swear this isn't what I meant to do, I can't believe I hurt you so damn much and I really hate myself for it, but... once I'd done it, I really didn't know... I didn't have the nerve to go back and say- I should have done, I know that. But I'm begging you... don't go. How's anything gonna make sense or go right if... if we're not together?"

"But we're not. And even if we were, nothing would ever change."

"That's not true." Dennis sniffles desperately, turning halfway back again. "It'd stop... I'd never... I wouldn't hurt you ever again."

I laugh bitterly into my lap, tugging at my cold hands. "And I'll give you twins for Christmas."

"Stop it! That... it's all a dream. And yeah, I wanted it with you, but that's the whole point - you!"

I leap up again, determined to keep throwing my stuff into a bag, to escape and... keep my shattered heart safe. "Then I'm obviously not the person you dreamt of am I?"

"I love you." he insists, catching my wrist across the bed and forcing me to drop down again.

"Yeah well, maybe I'm too afraid to be loved by you eh?"

"So tell me what you're gonna do darlin'. You really gonna live the rest of your life that damn scared? Cos if you don't take a chance right now Sharon, you're punishing us both."

"Don't matter though does it?" I bite back scathingly. "There's always gonna be the Zoes of this world and they're always gonna be there to tempt ya, make you better, realise what a stupid decision you made!"

He throws me a desbelieving look and steps back towards the bed, crounching down and fighting to hold my hands tight in his. "And you think for all the months I've been trying to kid myself that we were nothing, lying there next to Zoe, I haven't felt like the world's biggest idiot, that I haven't missed you? You walk out of here, there's nothing. I'll come straight after you, y'know."

I roll my eyes despairingly, biting back the tears. "Really? You gonna chase me round the world are ya?"

He nods certainly as he pulls himself up, clutching my hand fiercely as he perches beside me on the edge of the bed. "If I have to."

"So what happens when the thrill of the chase dies off?"

"You'll have to stop running." he says simply. "Admit it Sharon. It don't matter what either of us do... we're meant to be together."

"I love how you get to say that when you've been screwing her all night."

"So what d'you need to do? Scream at me, hit me? Do whatever, Sharon, I'm not leaving."

"What are you waiting for exactly? For me to go "Oh great idea, Dennis" and we just skip off in the sunset like there's... nothing?"

"Everything. I need you to trust me. That's all. The rest'll come... the rest hasn't gone."

"Isn't that my call?" I demand tersely. "It's you that's spent the last few months looking through me!"

"That isn't true."

"You don't know the truth from Adam! You wanted me to disappear! You had Zoe all lined up to give you a normal life and you were ashamed you could have meant anything you said to me while we were together and me, I don't know what I did wrong. I wanted to give you the world, but I... can't, can I? And that is why I refuse to stay, don't you get that?"

"No." Dennis whispers with a raw honesty. "I don't get how any of this is supposed to make me love you less. You think I haven't tried to forget it? But I can't! I can't! And I'm not gonna let you leave me. What is there for me if you do?"

"Justice..." I sigh heavily, leaning to zip up my bag and rising from the bed. I lift the bag over my shoulder and move carefully from the room. But I've barely stepped down onto the top stair when I hear him tear from the room after me. I wince, terrified that he's about to wake the whole house, but somehow find the strength to keep going. But Dennis crashes down the stairs too, and I almost scream out for the ferocity with which he grabs me. I'm terrified I'll lose my footing and crash to a painful landing at the foot of the stairs, but within the next millisecond I've been forced back against the wall.

"What the Hell d'you think you're doing?" I hiss, incensed.

"Whatever I have to!" he retorts desperately, shaking me a little as his grip around my shoulders tightens uncomfortably.

"Let go of me, Dennis."

"Or what? You'll scream this place down? You really ready to explain yourself to Den?"

"As I recall, it wasn't me that couldn't manage that!" I snap hatefully, well aware of another piece of my heart separating at the recollection.

"And look where it got me will ya? Stuck in some pretence of a relationship I hate-" 

I turn my head away, aligned against the wall as I scoff. "You coulda fooled me!"

He smiles sadly, stroking along my jaw as he guides my gaze back to his. "You really think anything's ever gonna compare to us? Really?"

I can feel the lump swelling in my throat, the tears burning in my eyes. "I don't know why I have to love you so damn much Dennis... no-one's ever hurt me like you did. You can't just ask me to trust you again."

"And you can't just tell me to let you walk out and play happy families with Zoe."

"Tell me you wouldn't try." I hit back spitefully. "Me out the way, what's to stop ya?"

"I want you."

"And I know exactly why that is. Because I'm here, telling you can't have me."

But he smiles softly, leaning a little closer as he strokes strands of hair from my eyes. "I know you're lying..."

"Don't try me, Dennis."

I see the flame of wickedness in those beautiful eyes and my stomach jolts. I know I'm lost because we both know he will. And even after all this time, I still have no idea what it is about him that makes me so damn weak. But this kiss is so damn light and fleeting, I know he does it to tease me, test me. And I should be strong, I should be wise. But he is an addiction and that taste is mine to know. He knows I'll demand it back, wrenching him back to me, covering my weak and wrecked my body as I clamour for his lips, every second's kiss deeper and more fierce.

There's a small, but ever satisfied smile against those gorgeous lips and oh, how he infuriates me.

"You know I'm gonna come with you."

"Why?" I quiz, voice swayed with the threat of desperate emotion. "Just to hurt me a little more when you change your mind again? Oh darlin', I'd rather be alone than lose you, don't you see?"

"Yeah." he murmurs softly, stroking my tears away. "I see. But I'm sick of hurting too. And you're the only one-" But the words get caught in his throat and his effort dissolves into that smile. He shakes his head in noble defeat, shoulders hunched. "You're the only one."

"That isn't enough. Not for you."

I watch this lump pulse in his throat as he looks above my head at the wall, blinking back tears he will not release. "Are you really determined to not let me- Nothing will ever be enough, Sharon. Not without you. I know what you think, you think we can't... be happy if you can't- but baby, it was just a dream, please understand that. It doesn't matter, cos... I don't need what you ain't got. I just need you. I swear to you, I only came back here with her because... because you sent me away, because you wouldn't listen. But you have to. Because I will follow you, for as long as it takes until you admit that we-"

"What?"

"That we're real. It's never been like that before... you know it hasn't."

"Shhh." I soothe shakily, feeling my own tears beginning to spill as I watch him work himself up into this frenzy. I should believe it to be completely insincere, throw him back and spit all my hatred at him. But my heart has been in pieces for the every day we have been apart. And however much I want to punish him for hurting me for the every night he has spent with her, I know he's right when he says I would be punishing myself. And why should I? What did I do wrong in this whole heartbreaking piece?

"I am leaving." I point out.

"I know." he replies in that shattered whisper as he tiredly nods, never breaking my gaze. "No-one's ever been enough to make you stay..."

So carefully, I reach for his shivering hand, slipping my fingers through his own. He flinches in surprise, but holds on fiercely as I stretch up and meet his lips to steal a last gentle kiss.

"I'll wait ten minutes. Don't let me regret this, baby."

And I always loved you but I've always been
In this for me. I'm in this for me.