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Fun Things To Put On Your Answering
Machine
"You know what I hate about
answering machine messages? They go on
and on, wasting your time. I mean, all
they really need to say is, "We
aren't in, leave a message." That's
why I've decided to keep mine simple and
short. I pledge to you, my caller, that
you will never have to suffer through
another long answering machine message
when you call me..."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.
Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her
calls. Say, if you want anything cooked
while you leave your message, just hold
it up to the phone."
"Hello. You are talking to a
machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give to charity through
the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get
back to you."
"Thank you for calling 434-2322. If
you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to
speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a wrong number,
push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All
of this button pushing doesn't do
anything, but it is a good way to work
off anger, and it makes us feel like we
have a big time phone system."
"(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.
If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave
your name and number, please press pound,
press 3, then dial your name, then press
6 and dial your number. If you want to
leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
then leave your name and message. If you
want to leave your number and the time
you called, please press star twice, spin
in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and
BEEP"
"Hello, this is Death. I am not in
right now, but if you leave your name and
number, I'll be right with you."
"I can't come to the phone right now
because I'm down in the basement printing
up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar
bills. If you need any money, or if you
just want to check out my handiwork,
please leave your name, number, and how
much cash you need after the tone. If
you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this
message."
"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just
avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's
you."
"Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm
just screening my calls. So start talking
and if you're someone I want to speak
with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?"
"Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home
right now, but I can take a message. Hang
on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a
drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK,
what would you like me to tell me?"
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids
are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your
willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to hang up
the phone and never call here
again."
"I don't want to bore you with
metaphysics, but how do you know this is
an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream,
or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU
don't really exist. One way to find out
is to leave a message, and if it's
reality, I will call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're
probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and
it's safe to leave us a message."
"I can't come to the phone now,
so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number
often? I bet you have answering machines
bothering you all the time... Yes
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call
sometime and we can listen to some old
recordings... I might even play my beep
for you."
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here,
can you hold please? -- Captain, there is
a transmission coming in on hailing
frequency seven, do you want it
onscreen?"
"(Star Trek theme in the
background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the
final frontier.
(Voice 2:) These are the messages of
Chad's answering machine. It's two
semester mission: To seek out your name
and your telephone number.
(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait
for the tone."
"A bubble in the space-time
continuum has connected your line to a
channeler in the 23rd century. Any
message you leave will be broadcast into
the future."
"You have reached the offices of the
planet Zarton. All our agents are busy
undermining the governments of the Earth
and cannot come to phone at the moment.
However, your name and number can be left
at the tone and a representative will
gladly contact you shortly to arrange for
your assimilation into the new order.
Long groblint the ultimate
blenstron."
"Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I
can't answer the phone right now because
I've just come back from the Mirror
Worlds and I'm still made up of
antimatter, so if I were to pick up the
phone right now, the resulting energy
release would make Hiroshima look like a
wet firecracker. So leave a message at
the tone and I'll get back to you as soon
as my component particles have been
restored to their normal charges."
"This is you-know who. We are
you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when."
"Kemosabe no in teepee now. You
leave'um message after little smoke
signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow
real fast."
"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I
can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name
and number, then talk briefly about your
childhood and tell me what comes to mind
when you hear the following words:
orange...mother...unicorn... I'll get
back to you with my diagnosis as soon as
possible."
"This is the National Security
Emergency Password Notification Network.
To initiate destruct sequence, call the
CIA with today's password. Today's
password is BABY BOOTIES."
"The President is not in his office
at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you
wish to invade, and the secret
password."
"I can't come to the phone now, so
if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone
NOW, recording this message, but I'm
doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's
NOW, like, when you're listening to
it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing."
"This is the Literacy Self Test
Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number and recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's word is
acetylcholinesterase...."
"Hello, you've reached a government
office. Please be prepared to wait on
hold for one hour and 17 minutes before
being automatically disconnected, OR
leave your name and number and your call
will NOT be returned."
"Hi. This is John. If you are the
phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, pleases send
money, If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me
money. If you are a female, don't worry,
I have plenty of money."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and
Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we
really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to
right... real slowly. So leave a message,
and when we're done brushing our teeth
we'll get back to you."
"Hi! John's answerng machine is
broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these
magnets."
"My wife and I can't come to the
phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as
soon as we're finished."
(Narrator's voice) "There Dale sits,
reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes
into a veritable malestrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his
arms windmilling at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in time? Alas, no, his
valiant effort is in vain. The bell that
sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"The college special: "A is for
academics, B is for beer. One of those
reasons is why we're not here. So leave a
message."
"He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
a message, I call you soon. If you leave
*sexy* message, I call sooner!"
"You have reached CPX-2000 Voice
Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are
now being digitally encoded for later
use. Once this is done, our computers
will be able to use the sound of YOUR
voice for literally thousands of immoral
purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further
explain the benefits of our service, and
to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of
the tone. Thank you." |
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