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50 Insane Things To Do At A Mall
- Ride mechanical horses with coins
fished out of the reflecting pond.
- Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask
the salesperson if they make your butt
look big.
- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration
phones in Radio Shack.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory
Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume
its now unwanted contents.
- At the bottom of an escalator, scream
"MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
- Ask the sales personnel at the music
store whether inflated CD prices are in
pesos or rubles.
- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary
that makes them unsalable.
- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger
King...
- ...but save a few to slurp on as
snacks. Tell people that they're
"astronaut food".
- Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around
while reading aloud from Dianetics.
- Ask mall cops for stories of World War
I.
- Ask a salesman why a particular TV is
labeled black and white and insist that
it's a color set. When he disagrees, give
him a strange look and say, "You
mean you really can't see it?"
- Construct a new porch deck in the tool
department of Sears.
- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and
pose as a fashion dummy in clothes
departments, occasionally screaming
without warning.
- Test mattresses in your pajamas.
- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft
is full of eels.
- If you're patient, stare intently into
a surveillance camera for an hour while
rocking from side to side.
- Sprint up the down escalator.
- Stare at static on a display TV and
challenge other shoppers whether they,
too, can see the "hidden
picture".
- Ask appliance personnel if they have
any TVs that play only in Spanish.
- Make unusual requests at the Piercing
Pagoda.
- Ask a salesperson in the hardware
department how well a particular saw cuts
through bone.
- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk
discounts on gerbils, and whether there's
much meat on them.
- Hula dance by the demonstration air
conditioner.
- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the
optometrist.
- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at
the candy store, insisting that you lost
a contact lens.
- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular
shade of panties matches the color of
your beard.
- In the changing rooms, announce in a
sing-song voice, "I see London, I
see France..."
- Leave on the plastic string connecting
a new pair of shoes, and wander around
the mall taking two-inch steps.
- Play the tuba for change.
- Ask the Hamond Organ dealer if he can
play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
- Record belches on electronic sampling
keyboards, and perform gastric versions
of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore
which leading cold remedy will "give
you a really wicked buzz".
- Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports
whether they have any "giant crap
made out of straw".
- "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs
in front of the fake fireplace display.
- Collect stacks of paint brochures and
hand them out as religious tracts.
- Ask the information desk for a
stroller, and someone to push you around
in it.
- Change every TV in the electronics
department to a station showing
"Saved by the Bell". Chant the
dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream
if anyone tries to switch channels on one
of the sets.
- Hang out in the waterbed section of the
furniture department wearing a Navy
uniform. Occasionally run around in
circles yelling "scratch one
flat-top!"
- Hand a stack of pants back to the
changing room attendant and scornfully
announce that none of them are
"leakproof".
- "Play" the demo modes of
video games at the arcade. Make lots of
explosion noises.
- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror
bobbing your head up and down.
- Pay for all your purchases with
two-dollar bills to provoke arguments
over whether they're real.
- If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa
to sit on your lap.
- Answer any unattended service phones
that ring in department stores and say
"Domino's."
- Try on flea collars at the pet store
while occasionally pausing to scratch
yourself.
- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on
your back permed.
- Show people your driver's license and
demand to know "whether they've seen
this man."
- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store.
Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out
of your mouth, and demand to know why it
hasn't turned blue yet.
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