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Things Not To Say During Sex
01. But everybody looks funny naked!
02. You woke me up for that?
03. Did I mention the video camera?
04. Do you smell something burning?
05. (in a janitor's closet) And they say
romance is dead...
06. Try breathing through your nose.
07. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
08. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
09. Sweetheart, did you lock the back
door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first
time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This
room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote
control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the
lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to
pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave
any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm
sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little
trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie
channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter
sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this
couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the
handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual
fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing
all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs
painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen
where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a
living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from
somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the
waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without
batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that
pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in
this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have
more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better
myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I
don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few
more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of
statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your
mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping
stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just
a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off
shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that
foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to
buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for
breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have
taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind
the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a
child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual
operation?
71. I really hate women who actually
think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing
about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care
of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men
like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this
please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't
you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A:
(Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my
parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought
about someone I really like... Woman:
Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal
Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not
very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my
nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I
make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the
gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly
for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're
enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum
jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light
sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for
"The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR.
Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT
longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt
Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my
friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing
this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be
"almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? |
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