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Things To Do On A Blind Date
Pull out a harmonica and play blues
songs when your date begins talking about
himself/herself.
When ordering, inquire whether the
restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's
plate. Eat more from their plate than
they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your
mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb
lands anywhere near your date, pick up
the crumb,put it in your mouth and say,
"I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30
seconds of it being placed in front of
you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go
back to the head waiter/hostess and ask
for another table in a different part of
the restaurant. Order another meal. When
your date finally finds you, ask them
"What took you so long in the
bathroom?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at
the table next to you.
Ask the people at neighboring tables for
food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on
their derriere. Keep bringing the subject
up periodically throughout the meal.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat.
You'll need to be extra persuasive in
fancier resturants with linen
tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs,
especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise.
Include pets and relatives.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a
seat away from the windows, with a good
view of all exits, and where your back
will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your
date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Stare at your date's neck and grind your
teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it,
pretend you don't know what they are
talking about.
Drool.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your
table with your arms outstretched, and
make airplane sounds.
Sacrifice french fries to a Pagon god.
Discretely fill your pockets with sugar
packets, napkins, salt shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
Attempt to auction your date off to
people nearby.
After getting your food slide under the
table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter
brings your food, hide the potato, wait a
few minutes, and ask the waiter for the
potato you "never got". When
the waiter returns with another potato,
have the first one back on your plate.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons
or comments about it.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their
philosophy and tape the conversation.
Later use good judgment in editing to
twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from
personal experience.
Occasionally speak in Pig Latin
throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom.
When you return to the table,throw a
spare pair of underwear on the back of
one of the chairs. Tell your date,
"They need to air out."
Order for your date. Order more food then
he/she can possible eat.Tell them they
"must eat it all or suffer the
consequences."
If they are paying, order the most
expensive thing on the menu. Take one
bite, pretend like the food is disgusting
and say, "Man, did you get ripped
off!"
Bring twenty candles with you to the
restaurant. During the meal get up and
arrange them around the table in a
circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and
explain that you're taking them home to
your invalid, senile old mother, because
it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding
her.
Ask your date how much money they have
with them.
Refuse to speak to your date. Request
that they mime the conversation instead.
During dinner guard your plate with your
fork and steak knife. Give the impression
that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, reaching for it.
Collect all of the salt shakers from
tables surrounding yours. Use them to
build a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve.
Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then
sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say
say.
Proudly explain to your date that you
were voted "Most Festerous" in
your high school yearbook. Give examples
of why it was appropriate.
Read a newspaper, book or listen to a
book on tape during the meal.
Order your food by colors and textures.
Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into
little pieces.
Insist that the waiter take one bite from
everything served to you. Explain that
you need to make sure no one has poisoned
your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend
you have a secret microphone hidden on
your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire
meal. |
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