(`'·.¸(`'·.¸ ¸.·'´)¸.·'´)
«´¨`·.¸¸* Kimberly's Life *.¸¸.·´¨`» (¸.·'´(¸.·'´ `'·.¸)`'·.¸) There have been several articles by both Kimberly and Brad on their marriage, so I thought it would be nice to put them here together on their own page. The articles are divided into He Said/She Said format so you can get both of their perspectives on married life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
HE SAID:Country Weekly MagazineJanuary 6, 2004
"Little Love Moments" A settled-in BRAD PAISLEY talks candidly about his new married life, blue cheese fish tacos and the increasing pressures of celebrity. WHEN NEWLYWED BRAD PAISLEY WROTE HIS CURRENT SINGLE, "Little Moments," he didn't have to look any further than his own life for inspiration. The song was taken from Brad's own experiences with his wife, actress Kimberly Williams, whom he married last March 15.
"It's meant to call attention to the things that didn't go right, to the mistakes made," he explains. "If you take away the times when we got lost trying to go somewhere, or a dinner that didn't turn out the way it was supposed to, then bland. For me, the line in the song, I live for little moments like that, is true. Any situations that didn't go according to plan normally wound up better because of it." Things definately wound up better in the kitchen. "When we first started dating," continues Brad, "Kim was kind of new at the cooking thing. Since then, she's mastered a few things that have become favorites of mine. She does a turkey chili and a meatloaf with three different types of meat - pork, veal and beef - that's really good. But I had to walk through fire to get to that point," he adds with a laugh. The path to good cooking was, indeed, peppered with failed experiments - like the time Kimberly tried to combine several of Brad's favorite foods into one particularly memorable dish. "Blue cheese fish tacos," says Brad with a grin. "If you left them out on the front porch, nothing would've come around to eat them. Microbes wouldn't grow on them. It's like margarine - you can leave it in your garage and flies won't touch it. But that's one of my favorite memories of when we first started going out - that failed attempt. She basically combined a lot of things she knew I liked. She knew I liked fish, blue cheese and Mexican food. That doesn't mean they go together. "I also like chocolate cake," he says. "But I wouldn't throw that in tacos." Brad's marriage isn't the only thing that is cooking. This year he was nominated for four CMA Awards, in the categories of Male Vocalist, Music Video, Song and Single of the Year. And the hit song that was responsible, the tongue-in-cheek "Celebrity," stayed on the charts for over half a year. Brad says he felt always like he had a hit song on his hands with "Celebrity," but even he was surprised by the way it took off. "It's crazy," says Brad of the song's runaway sucess. "You don't know how long a song is going to last, but I felt like that one would be a hit song when I wrote it." And ironically, the song that takes a humorous jab at fame's trappings has only made Brad a bigger celebrity. "It changes your life in every way," notes Brad of that fame he sings about. "When you start to become famous and you travel around the country, there's nowhere you can go where somebody doesn't know who you are. Those kinds of things make life both easier and harder, because you're now in situations where you're obligated to talk to people. Whether you know them or not, they know you. "The other day at the airport, someone wanted an autograph and I was trying to catch a plane," recalls Brad. "I signed it for them but I wish I could have spent more time with them. You definately want to spend time with the people who got you where you are." "Celebrity" is filled with a good-natured wit that's becoming Brad's trademark writing style. "I grew up a little bit of a smart aleck," he confesses. "I was the kid in school who got in trouble for things like that quite a bit. Even though I was kind of quiet, any time I'd make a comment it was normally a wisecrack." Brad's chart-topping, hectic year might seem to be a stumbling block to enjoying newlywed life with Kim, who's equally busy in her role as Dana on the ABC show According to Jim. "But you know, we're not as busy as you think," he counters. "When you do what we do, we're busy in chunks. When she's taping her show, she normally works six-hour days. And that leaves you a lot of time to go to dinner and stuff. I'm busy when I'm on the road, but that's only a couple days a week. I plan my schedule to make sure there are weeks at a time when I don't do tour dates." The happy couple keeps homes in L.A. and Nashville. Brad confesses it was interesting to adjust to sharing his space with someone. "But it was probably harder for Kim," he admits, "because I have junk all over the place. I have accumulated more crap in my four years of being a recording artist than most New York garbagemen," he laughs. "I was the typical bachelor. She gives me a space in the house that I am allowed to kind of do my thing with. Now she's starting to take over a little bit and remodel my house in Nashville. She says I'm a good candidate for the TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." And what's the fate of Brad's beloved fishing decor in the Nashville home? "It's still got remnants of that," he says with a smile. "She hasn't had the time to napalm it yet." Brad hasn't been spending a lot of time in his Nashville home lately. In addition to touring, he flew to L.A. in October to tape an episode of the NBC show American Dreams, playing the late pop star Ricky Nelson. "My mom loved Ricky Nelson, and when I found out that he was an option I said, 'Let's do that one.'" Although he says he enjoyed being in front of the camera, Brad says not to expect him to become a country star-turned-actor. "I would do any part that looks like fun," he reveals, "but I'm not out reading scripts. Honestly, acting is a lot harder than music. I'll leave that to the people who belong in the industry, like Kim." Brad is preparing to share the holiday season with his newly expanded family. "We're toying with the idea of spending one or two of those holidays with our families combined in one place. That'll be when you find out how compatible the families are," he chuckles. "But I have a feeling it'll be fine. We've all spent a little bit more time together since the wedding. Her dad and mom rode my bus with me, from Carnegie Hall down to Virginia where they have family. My dad also went. We had several of the in-laws in one place at one time. So far, nobody's calling anybody any names or anything." Brad beams as he reflects on life as a married man. "The security of being part of a team is the best. You don't feel so alone in things. You've got somebody to back you up. That's a good feeling."
SHE SAID:Redbook MagazineNovember 2003
My Life as a (New) Wife
The secret hiding in my snapshotsIn the first installment of her new column, actress/writer Kimberly Williams-Paisley shares the private details of her just-married days.Earlier this year, actress Kimberly Williams, whom you probably remember as the bride in the 1991 comedy Father of the Bride and its 1995 sequel, got hitched to chart-topping country-western singer Brad Paisley, who, after years of watching the two films (hey, he's a romantic guy) asked to be introduced to Kimberly. When they met in Los Angeles, it was love at first laugh; Kimberly and Brad had an instant rapport.Kimberly, who plays Dana on ABC's According to Jim, is now giving Redbook readers a peek inside her private newlywed life. "I've heard that the first year is the hardest for many couples," she says. "So I must be crazy to chronicle my experience for the entire world to read." Crazy? No. But as you will see from this kickoff piece: brave and funny. Here, Kimberly shares the secret messages hidden in her favorite wedding pictures. I've noticed that people aren't as interested in poring over my wedding album as I am. Not only that, but some of what I consider to be average pictures get a great reaction, while some of my best ones go by without getting so much as a grunt. Maybe it's because they aren't half as interesting as the memories they conjure up in my head.
Picture this proposalLet me describe one of my favorite shots: It is of the pier in Venice, California. The image is a little grainy because my brother, Jay, who was hiding behind a rock about 50 yards away, took it. There are silhouettes of people, but it is impossible to make out anyone's face. If you look very closely, you can see a couple about two thirds of the way down the pier. They appear to be the size of two small ants. That's me there, the ant standing on its hind legs, and that's the love of my life, Brad Paisley, the short ant. He looks short only because he's down on one knee. We had been dating for eight months, and he's just asked me to marry him. What you also can't see is the shock on my face, because I thought Brad, a country music artist who lives and works out of Nashville, was back home at a business party. You can't see the tears in our eyes. And you can't pick up on the fact that, despite all the people around us, Brad and I felt totally alone in this moment. Well, almost. He proposed right in front of the public rest rooms. Just after I said yes to his proposal, a man in one of the stalls flushed the toilet. This is a picture of one of the happiest moments of my life. It is perfect.
A surprising ceremonyThen there's another picture I love that no one else "gets." (It's the one at left.) I am in a long denim coat with a ribbon-and-paper-plate "bouquet" in my hands. My dad is holding my arm, walking me down the aisle at our Malibu wedding rehearsal, an evening event to which only my closest family and friends were invited. My eyes are facing straight ahead, and I am calmly smiling. What you can't see in this picture is my racing heart, because underneath my coat is a white dress and in my mother's purse is a veil and around my leg is "something blue"--a paisley-print garter belt. It is all a ruse. Right after this photo was taken, I got to the altar, undid my coat (Dad endearingly fumbled his designated job of helping me with the buttons), and then switched my ribbons for fresh flowers hidden nearby. Mom stuck the veil in my hair and--presto--I was an official bride. I turned around to those in the church, yelling "Surprise!" That's when everyone knew this was the real thing.Why this deception? Brad and I didn't want to have traditional "I dos." I was concerned that people would compare our wedding to the Hollywood version I filmed years ago (and, God forbid, declare the movie one better). And Brad grew up performing at weddings, where he felt like he was always getting into trouble somehow or other. Whether it was because he screwed up the words to a song or put his boutonniere on wrong, someone usually wound up mad at him. We wanted our wedding to be spontaneous and fun. We wanted people to come with their defenses down, ready to be in the moment with us as it unfolded. This picture holds the promise of what turned out to be the best wedding we could have imagined. It is also the moment that my dad's arm suddenly held less of the comfort it always had because he and I both knew that I was about to leave him in a way that I'd never done before. I look at this picture and I see my husband-to-be (who had just spit out his gum into our wedding coordinator's hand) watching me from the end of the aisle.
A song that says it allThere's one other photo in the album that I just love. (It's the one above.) I am in a crowd of people watching my husband (who is off-camera) sing me a song he's written. We're at our denim-required reception the day after the ceremony. The people around me look serious as they listen, focused on Brad. I'm at the center of the shot, doubled over, my mouth wide open, in the middle of one of the greatest belly laughs I've ever had. Looking at it now, it seems as if I'm visiting from another picture--that I don't quite belong in this one. At first, what he's singing sounds like a generic love song, but it quickly reveals a specific sanitation issue that arose between us in the midst of the premarital counseling we did a few months before our wedding. In this picture, I have figured out where the song is going before anyone else has; Brad is at the chorus: "Nothing says 'I love you' like a toilet seat that's down." Finally, after weeks of talking about why this gesture was important to me, he understood. This is a great shot of a couple, even though half of the duo isn't in it. When I look at this image, I can see the effect my husband has on me--in a moment when I knew that he completely "got" me and I completely "got" him.It's funny how you can't actually see my husband in any of the perfect pictures I've just described. Brad would jokingly roll his eyes at this fact and say, "Figures." But the best pictures are really just markers that represent something much deeper the longer you look at them. I know that these photos will always remind me of what I was thinking when Brad and I decided to embark on the adventure of marriage. And these prints on paper are just reminders of what's forever imprinted on my heart.
Redbook Magazine
My Life as a (New) Wife
How to break a man's bad habitsActress Kimberly Williams-Paisley, our new marriage columnist, shares how she and her guy got in a housekeeping groove.What's a woman to do when her man's live-and-let-live messiness clashes with her own tendency for neatness? I love Brad Paisley for who he is--that's why I married him. But the honeymoon's over and the dishes need washing, so am I supposed to keep thinking that tower in the sink is cute? In our first months together, here's what I'm learning about being a real-life odd couple:
1. The rose-colored glasses that couples wear during courtship just don't work after the wedding.
2. Never underestimate a man's ability to rationalize away a mess.
3. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue.
4. Some things you don't have to live with. Men can change.
5. It's crucial to motivate your guy while not hurting his feelings.
6. My way is not the only way. I've got to give in too. Yesterday I discovered that Brad has begun to clean up his act. I opened our closet to find those baby sweat suits from the Processing Room hung near Brad's big suits. Though we have no need for them now, the baby sweats were zipped on hangers in a way that showed he was trying--and succeeding--in being a neat guy where it counts.
Redbook Magazine
My Life as a (New) Wife
The best marriage advice I got . . . & not!True or false? Don't go to bed mad. Kimberly Williams-Paisley road tests this and other bits of marital wisdom.People love to give advice to brides. As soon as I got engaged, everyone--even strangers--issued proclamations about what I needed to do to make a happy marriage. I did want my most trusted friends and family members to weigh in. So I had a bring-me-wisdom bridal shower, where I invited happily married women to share their love rules with me. Now, six months into testing their advice, I have pinpointed which ones work for my husband, Brad Paisley, and me--and which ones don't.
Rules that worked"The magic's gone!" I said. Brad looked up, confused, and then laughed; that made me laugh too. Suddenly, with giddy butterflies inside me, I knew we were connected again. We've learned that marriage has its highs and lows. Sometimes ours is filled with passion; other times it's just lazing along. Where we are as a couple will evolve. Isn't that better than staying the same? This smart advice reminds me to have patience to stick around when we're in those treading-water moments.
Is Brad crazy to spend days at a time doing this? No, he's just a guy. Finally I did what many women might do: I lay down on the deck of the boat in the sunshine. It's OK that we have different strengths: We don't always have to do the same thing. So this was good counsel, and has kept me from worrying about our different interests.
Rules that didn't work
Redbook Magazine
My Life as a (New) Wife
Why Married Girls Can't GossipShould you really dish the dirt about him with pals postwedding?My best girlfriends have always been my confidantes, helping me through my dating dramas, ready to listen and serve up advice. It's a deep bond we share, this downloading of intimate information. So it came as a bit of a shock when, once wed, we began to drift apart. The thing is, I don't feel as comfortable whispering to them about the private things that my new husband, Brad, does. There's a line that I don't want to cross. To do so would muck up my marriage. And here are the reasons why.Some info gets real messy A couple of years ago, my pal Tracy married Nick, a great guy--or so I thought. Tracy had to go to Europe with a bunch of male coworkers, and Nick flipped out with jealousy--so much so that he fainted during his tirade. Tracy, confused, told me about his reaction; I listened and reassured her. She then went on the business trip. Nick cooled his jets and dealt with his trust issues. Tracy forgave him and has long since moved on from Nick's falling-on-the-floor incident, but I continue to look at Nick as a guy who once lost it big-time. I know this weird secret about him. We all have bad moments in a marriage. I'd share mine with you now, but I can't (that's why I'm writing on this subject), so I'm shamelessly using my friends' anecdotes instead (none of the names used here are real). Marital problems come and go, and I've learned not to reveal them to friends for fear that they'll remember my guy in a bad light--long after I've forgiven him. Priorities change When I was dating different men, I dished my love life details: "He kisses like a vacuum cleaner," "He hasn't called, and I pray he does," and "He hasn't called, and I hope it stays that way!" The talk between us girls was all about trying to find The One and discovering ourselves in the process. We exposed vulnerabilities we would never show to the guys. I felt shut out for the first time shortly after one of my friends married seven years ago. We were sitting on Kate's new sofa, next to the framed wedding photos of her and her husband, Ben. The old girlfriends' pics that had been up for years were now AWOL. There wasn't enough room on the shelf for all the photographs, she explained. "But I'm your best friend!" I wanted to shout. I also wanted to ask about their wedding night--whether she wore the white silk negligee; whether she cried the way she thought she might. But Kate sidestepped other, less nosy queries with vague answers, so I backed off. The let-it-all-hang-out Kate I once knew was gone. Her priorities had shifted toward her husband. And no matter how much I tried to rationalize it, her evolution felt like my rejection (though now that I'm married, I get it). We're still fabulous friends, but there are things we don't discuss. Husbands feel uneasy or betrayed Now I'm the one with the lid on it. As a newlywed, I'm still learning (sometimes the hard way) what Brad is comfortable with my exposing. We'll be in casual conversation, and I'll say something like, "Hey, I was talking to so-and-so about the other night when you and I . . ." Halfway through such a sentence I'll notice my husband's face change from mild interest to growing horror that someone else knows something he never imagined would go beyond our walls. And then I realize that I had skipped past the No Trespassing sign and let a guest into the wrong room. While much of my free time these days is spent with Brad, I still need my girlfriend moments--even if our conversations are filtered. I also realize that Brad doesn't need to know everything I talk about with them (and I don't want to know everything he talks about with the guys). Some whisperings will always be sacred among women. Like, for example, you'll never believe what Kate did after she saw Ben do the . . . oh, never mind!
Redbook Magazine
My Life as a (New) Wife
"Honey, Are You Listening?"Actress Kimberly Williams-Paisley, star of ABC's According To Jim, tells what gets--and keeps--a husband's attention.My husband, Brad, and I listen differently; maybe all husbands and wives do. First we often don't even want the same things out of a conversation. There's an old quip by writer Helen Rowland that hits home for me: She said, "Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it." While Brad hasn't actually fallen asleep on me while I've been talking, it is true that he is not sponging up my details the way he did when we were dating. And I'm not either. So how can married couples listen better and really connect when it counts most?Let me give you an example of how this scenario has played out in my life. This morning I boarded a plane in Los Angeles--where Brad and I have a home and I work as an actress on ABC's According To Jim--bound for Nashville, where we also have a home. I called him from my seat just before takeoff, as is our custom. Brad, a country-music artist, was in the middle of being filmed for a lawn-mower commercial. The camera crew around him was being very loud, and there was a dog barking incessantly in the background. "You feeling OK about the flight?" Brad asked, because he knows that I do not like to fly. "Yes, actually," I answered. "But I'm tired. I didn't sleep well: The power kept going out last night because of the strong wind, which made all the appliances in the house screech every time there was a surge. I really want to rest tomorrow." "I totally understand," he said. The dog kept yelping. I asked Brad how he had slept last night and my husband replied, "Like a rock." And then he went on, "So how did you sleep?" Huh? I'm very sensitive to not having Brad's full attention. If he misses details, it's hard not to feel like he doesn't care about what's going on with me. On the phone, he heard that I was OK, which is what he cared about most, and beyond that he was involved with the commotion around him. Brad is content to just hear my voice for as long as I'll stay there. To him, it's a way of being closer to me. And if there is no problem for him to solve for me, that is all he really wants out of the conversation. I, on the other hand, would rather hve two minutes of his undivided attention. Second, we approach our talks in opposite ways. I come from a family of journalists, who listen very interactively, asking a lot of questions and drawing out their answers. I've grown up expecting other people to use the same technique on me, completely zeroing in on what I say. The problem is, most people usually aren't so focused--Brad included. Even when he doesn't have distractions and is able to keep up with a conversation's minutiae, he doesn't jump in with queries and follow-ups. Recently we were both on different phones at our house, helping a friend who was having a relationship crisis, when Brad got very quiet. I interpreted his silence as distraction: I figured there were probably some new e-mails that had just popped up on his laptop. Determined to catch him not listening, I ran into the bedroom he was in and found him lying down on the bed with the phone to his ear, concentrating on our friend and her dilemma. Brad's quiet, laid-back style can be a bit disconcerting to me, because I often feel a need to test whether or not he is actually present in the conversation. Here's how I am learning how wives can adjust to most husbands' "silent treatment." Listening rule #1: * Whenever possible, get him without distractions. If there's more than one thing going on in a husband's world--like he's surfing the Web or watching sports on TV--he may have trouble hearing details. So if it's quality convo I'm looking for, I ask Brad to step away from the interference. Once I've gotten that time, I'm much more comfortable being in the background of his crazy day. Listening rule #2: Sometimes women just want to vent and not be given immediate solutions; it feels good to say out loud what we're feeling inside. But men (maybe it's the hunter in them) almost always go straight to fixing things. Brad, who is very good at coming up with smart and useful advice, was taken aback at first when I didn't want any help. Now he knows that, at times, his job is just to listen and absorb my information. I recently told him that if he can't think of a good follow-up question to ask me, I would be thrilled to have him just say, "Go on," and encourage me to keep talking. That extra effort on Brad's part makes me feel cared for and respected. Listening rule #3: Let your husband show you how to hear in the special way that he does. For example, occasionally I am guilty of not being able to fully appreciate music, which is my husband's full-time profession and joy. It took me several months to finally understand the powerful lyrics to "He Didn't Have to Be." a song Brad wrote. I knew that the piece was about a stepfather-and-stepson relationship and that it had touched many people across America. But it was difficult for me to focus on the lyrics, because music often takes me into a wonderful daydream (and that is what I appreciate about it). Brad taught me to listen to its specifics. When I finally zeroed in on the words to his song, I saw an incredibly compassionate side of my husband (incidentally, I also saw in him a potentially great dad). And tuning in to music--which is very important to my husband--helps me strengthen our marriage. The upshot? If something is valuable to our men, it is worth it for us--as their wives--to better understand it. Learning rule #4: Respect each other's personalities and preferences. Brad has taught me to stop asking all those darn questions, interview-style, and just let him tell me what he wants. This was a hurdle for me at first. But I am trying to put the brakes on my need for every detail (hey, I'm interested!). I am also trying to tell Brad important things that are on my mind, without waiting for him to ask me the right questions--and then coax it out of me. Otherwise, I've realized, we could both be waiting a very long time. Listening rule #5: Try as much as possible not to get so caught up in sharing the daily drivel of life--for example, what you ate for lunch, what the supermarket checkout clerk said, what you're thinking of wearing the next day--that deeper meaningful conversations go astray. Brad and I have to remind ourselves to clear out such conversational clutter in order to make room for the cool real stuff that matters to us and our marriage in the long run. Listening rule #6: Finally I need to trust a little more that Brad hears me, even if I think he doesn't. "I just finished writing my article about the listening dilemmas of husbands and wives," I told my husband, who was sitting across from me in our house in Nashville. There was silence for a few beats as Brad's eyes gazed into his computer screen. "Huh?" he said. I frowned. And then my love looked up with a glint in his eye and smiled. "Kidding," he said.
Redbook Magazine
My Life as a (New) Wife
Do You Need to Say, "I'm Sorry"?Love means never having to say those words -- or does it? Actress Kimberly Williams-Paisley, star of ABC's, According to Jim, figures it out.When I read Love Story, by Erich Segal, years ago, I remember liking its romantic message: Love means never having to say you're sorry. "What a perfect idea," I thought. Two people in love could know each other so intimately that they would just naturally never do anything to upset one another, and forgiveness, if ever called for, would be assumed and immediate. But now, almost a year into my marriage to country-music artist Brad Paisley, I have had to amend one crucial word in that phrase: In our case, "never" is "often." Whether it's Brad leaving his wet towel on the antique wooden rocking chair again (which he knows really bothers me) or me making dinner plans for us without telling him (after I promised not to do that anymore), a daily apology -- big or small -- is usually in order. Sometimes it's easy (and an "Oops, I'm sorry" suffices); sometimes it's torturous ("I thought I told you about our dinner with so-and-so. But I guess, maybe, I didn't -- if you say so"). And occasionally "I forgive you" is very hard for both of us to say. So as a marriage grows, how does a couple learn to let go of old gripes and move from the grudge story back to the love story?I remember one of the first times Brad let me down (in more than a towel-on-the-antique-chair kind of way) shortly after our wedding. We were at a live auction for a charity we support. Brad knew that I was eager to bid on something with my own money at this event, since he had already made a donation with some of his own money earlier in the evening. But when I finally picked the item I wanted to bid on, Brad suddenly took over. Every time it came my turn to bid, he raised his hand at the same instant I did, and the auctioneer started referring to Brad as the bidder in our camp. Completely caught up in the excitement of the moment, and ignoring my attempt at a discreet tug on his arm, Brad seemed to have forgotten I was there. When the painting I had bought was finally sold to "Brad Paisley," my husband proudly stood up and waved to the cheering crowd. Then Brad sat back down, turned to me, pointed to my purse and said, "Kim, you gettin' this one?" Although I was really happy that my donation helped the charity and that we walked away with a little masterpiece, I was very hurt by Brad's insensitivity over what had just happened. I didn't want to make a scene, but I couldn't stop the blood from rising to my cheeks. I needed to figure out, in the midst of all that was going on around us, the best way to handle this difficult situation. When it comes to forgiveness, several questions need to be asked: How important is this issue, and is it worth pursuing? As soon as I told Brad I was upset, he said he felt awful. He apologized immediately for not seeing his mistake sooner and offered to pay for the painting. But with a mixture of pride and determination, I declined. And besides, his quick "Sorry" just wasn't good enough at the time; I wanted more. While I knew that this divide wasn't something that could endanger our marriage long-term, it still wasn't going to be easily dropped. So, yeah, it was important. And it was important to pursue. Can anything be done to fix the problem? Brad went around the rest of the evening explaining to auction attendees, when they offered him effusive thanks, that I was actually the person who had paid for the painting. But clarification and recognition after the fact mostly just made me very embarrassed. It was certainly too late to take back what had happened that night. We were both still quietly hurting as we left the auction. I was mad at myself for being upset over something selfish; Brad was angry at himself for getting carried away; and we were both annoyed with each other for our respective reactions. Because we could not fix the problem, Brad and I were going to have to find a way to get past it. In other words, we had to work through it and then let it go. So how can we cool off when we're steamed? When we were back at home and able to really talk by ourselves, it was much easier for my husband and me to process our hurt feelings. Brad listened to my side, trying not to interrupt, and then I listened to his side, trying not to be judgmental. Brad eventually said that he could kick himself for not having seen what I wanted in that crucial auction moment. I began to believe that he truly understood what he had done to upset me. That belief restored some of my wounded confidence in my own feelings. I told him I forgave him, and I meant it. Have I acted fairly as well? After calming down and assessing what had happened overall, I realized that I owed Brad an apology for throwing a fit over something that started with only good intentions on his part. Although he seemed clueless, Brad was actually trying to help me get what I wanted. His motivation was not to steal my thunder. At the time, he had no idea his efforts would be unappreciated. I acknowledged that I had lost sight of the meaning of the event as I was busy getting angry with Brad. With relief at having the opportunity to be on the other side of the fence, my husband accepted my apology. From there, I was then able to forgive myself for overreacting. The process actually turned out to be a growth experience for the both of us. Could this stressful situation, perhaps, be funny in the future? We found that this is a particularly good question to ask; it helps put many disagreements in marriage in perspective. Now Brad and I laugh about the silliness of what happened on that auction night. And the beautiful painting we bought hangs on our wall to remind us of a larger purpose: to give to those in need and to do it gracefully and selflessly. So the next time your spouse does something wrong, consider whether the problem is still going to be important to your relationship a year from now. If not, try out Brad's motto: "If you're going to laugh about it later, why not start now?"
Redbook Magazine
My Life as a (New) Wife
How to Say No (to Your Family)Actress Kimberly Williams-Paisley, star of ABC's According to Jim, figures out what it really takes to be a husband-and-wife teamGrowing up in a tight-knit family, I learned the importance of presenting a united front -- a kind of "us" -- to the world early on. Once I got married, though, it became important to shift my priorities to creating a different united front -- one with my husband, country music artist Brad Paisley. Along the way, we've come to realize that what works best for other people in our lives, from family and friends to business associates, isn't always what works best for our marriage. And this isn't just a newlywed issue: We have many long-married friends who are still grappling with this juggling act, deciding where to live or spend the holidays, which jobs to take, how to raise children.Here's how my husband and I are navigating our own definition of coupledom from the start. Speak Up Last year Brad and I vacationed with my mom and dad on Fire Island in New York. My parents have stayed in the same summer beach house for the past 15 years: It has been their special refuge. They were eager to throw open their doors and introduce Brad and me, along with my brother and sister, to the charms of the place. To top it off, my folks suggested that this beach reunion should be an annual event. My whole family spent the first few days lounging together on the sand, boogie-boarding on the rushing ocean and taking long walks to the picturesque lighthouse to watch the sunset. But after the third day -- which included fighting off monster-sized mosquitoes, angling for one tiny bathroom and trying to find private moments to canoodle amidst four other people in a building with paper-thin walls -- Brad and I started to get antsy. We began to bicker. Brad felt that we might need a vacation from our vacation. I didn't want to make waves and displease my parents, but pretty soon I, too, had to agree that this vacation arrangement wasn't going to work out long term. It was a wake-up call. Although we really want to continue to vacation with my parents, Brad and I agreed that we had better formulate alternative plans before next year's shindig gets under way. But -- yikes! -- how do we present our united-front decision without hurting anyone's feelings? Brad and I brainstormed and decided to rent our own house nearby, thereby hanging out with my parents as much as possible but having our own roof under which to spread out. Of course, I'd love to suggest a different vacation location altogether (away from those darn mosquitoes!), but Brad and I realize that my parents are emotionally attached to Fire Island, and we wouldn't want to take that long-loved oasis away from them. Brad and I gathered up our collective courage and called my mom on the telephone to talk about next summer's trip. I told her how much Brad and I love spending time with them, but if we were going to travel together again, Brad and I would like to do a few things differently. Not only did Mom take it well, she had some supportive suggestions of her own. "We just always want to be a part of your life," Mom added. When a United Front Isn't Needed But what to do when a husband and wife are on different wavelengths about their plans? Brad and I wrestled with this last winter over the holidays, as we adjusted to each other's family rituals. For example, at my parents' home, by the end of two lively parties and a rowdy group reading of The Night Before Christmas, Brad was ready to check out for some slumber. Yet I had a hard time letting him go. I wanted everyone to see the lighthearted, social man I had married. So I insisted that he stay into the wee hours. I tried to cover for him, becoming his cheerleader and reassuring everyone that he was okay when he clearly was beat. What I later figured out was that they knew he was all right, just tired -- and that I certainly wasn't showing off the two of us in the best light by preventing Brad from saying good night when he was ready to. Instead I got insecure about his withdrawal, and in doing so drew more attention to his quietness. I wound up putting unnecessary pressure on both of us to be a wild-and-crazy, stay-up-late couple when we're usually not. So another part of creating a cohesive marriage is allowing each other to be who we are individually. Brad and I don't have to always agree on or want to do the same things. But we do have to let each other have our own rhythms. Have Faith in the Bigger Picture I recently asked my mom how she and my dad, who have been happily married for more than 35 years, managed to create a united front when facing their own trying situations, dealing with relatives, friends and bosses. She answered that when you move forward through life believing that you'll always be together, then making even the most difficult decisions is guided by this simple truth: Do what is best for you as a couple. This may sound obvious, but it's a good lesson to remember. I think that's really what growing into a husband-and-wife team comes down to -- faith in your coupledom. If you believe your marriage will last, nothing will stop you.
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