Zoe snuck up on us like an October frost. "You guys are getting along now?" she asked in a timid voice, Mackenzie trailing behind her. Avery and I nodded, though I still felt uneasy about the whole thing. But I just wanted to get through that day. I didn't care what I had to promise, or what I had to say; I just wanted that day to be exactly like I had planned it. Even though that was never going to happen. After what Isaac had told me, in what had seemed another world, years ago, this little yearly trip was never going to be like I planned. Zoe smiled, a genuine smile I hadn't seen on her face for a long time, possibly never. The closest I had seen her smile was when she was listening to that god-awful CD, the one that reminded me of bitter, globe-trotting times...the one that reminded Zoe of the brothers she had never been able to know...reminded her of the life she had never been able to have. I had to give it to the girl; it seemed like she had nothing to smile about, and yet she still smiled. It was the kind of perseverance I wish I had when I was her age. We waited for Mackenzie to slowly make his way towards us, his head bowed, but not in grief. He staggered up to us, his eyes barely open, his body hunched over sickeningly. I looked at him with disgust, though no one else could see me scowl. He had taken something along his little walk, and I wanted to know exactly what it was. Avery tried to be calm, but she knew there was something going on with our little brother. "Well," she said, clearing her throat. "Should we get on with the...procedure?" She said it nervously, as if she was the glue trying to desperately hold our breaking family together, even if it was just for that day. Hey; no fair. I was supposed to be doing that for that day. I glanced over at Mackenzie, who had taken it upon himself to prop himself up, using a nearby headstone, and grimaced. "One second," I said. "There's something that needs to be...addressed first." I pulled my darling little brother aside, hopefully far enough away that Avery and Zoe wouldn't hear me screaming bloody murder at him. Mackie didn't seem to mind. Mackie didn't seem to care. "What the fuck are you on?" I said to him in a low voice, gripping his wrist hard enough to pop a vein. His gaze went slowly from the ground to his wrist, then up my arm to my face, his bloodshot eyes revealing any lie he was about to tell me. I released his wrist, immediately repulsed by his touch. I couldn't stand it. I thought I told him this was the last time... "I...I didn't do nothin', Jess, I swear." He was lying through his teeth, and it didn't seem like he could keep it that well. Apart from his tell-tale eyes, his lower lip trembled, and it wasn't from the cool mist surrounding the cemetery. His skin held a pale color, and his metabolism was noticeably slower than usual. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know what he was on, but I wanted him to say it. I wanted him to tell mw just what exactly he thought he was doing by taking drugs after I specifically told him to keep that shit in the car - on today, no less - probably right in front of his little sister. I didn't give a shit about him anymore, but I'd be damned if I let every member of this family go down the crapper. "Bullshit," I seethed, taking hold of him below his chin, forcing his head up to look at me. "How many Valium did you take, Mac? Two? Three?" "One," he said calmly. He knew that lying to me about this was only going to get him to the police station faster. "I don't take from my inventory on a large scale, Jess." Quickly angered, I shook him, his throat still in my grasp. His hands instantly went to his neck to try to wrench himself from my hold. "No, you fucking listen!" I screamed at him, and he stayed motionless. He was probably scared shitless about what I was going to do to him. I didn't even know what I was to do yet. But I would find out soon. "I told you not to bring that shit in here. I told you not to take any, not to sell any, and not to even have any today, or you would be sent straight to the police; you got me?" Shutting his eyes, he nodded. I shook him again, and my voice took on a different tone. "Why, Mac?" I asked, more out of desperation than anything. "Why today, out of any day, did you do this? I wanted this day to be perfect. Why did you have to go and fuck it all up -" "I needed it, okay?!" Mackenzie retorted, struggling out of my loosening grasp. "I couldn't go today without it, and I don't understand why this is such a big deal!" "You don't understand?" I rasped. Well, then I guess I'd have to make him understand. I grabbed him again, this time by the collar of his shirt, and pointed towards Taylor and Zac's graves. "We're here for them today, Mac. Whatever bad shit you got in your system right now, I suggest you forget about it until this day is over. You know why I brought you here; you and Zoe. I wanted you to know who they were. I wanted you to understand why this was supposed to be important. I didn't want you to trivialize it by doing whatever shit you just did -" "I needed to." His interjection stopped my rant in its tracks. I looked down at his face, and it was riddled with tears, his gaze never leaving the two tombs. "You don't understand what I went through, Jess; you never would." He sniffed, probably to hold back tears that had not been released yet. "I hated them, Jess; more than you could ever know." Not noticing, I absently sniffled as well, tears threatening to erupt. God, did I ever know what the was talking about. And I thought I had never had a childhood because of Hanson; Mackenzie never had a real life without it. "You, and Avery, y...you at least had some life without...it," he said. I had long since released him from my hold, and he looked out towards the graves, his eyes never leaving the two stones. "I was two years old when we got shipped of to Los Angeles, and I haven't had a normal life since. I blamed them. I...oh, God, Jess, I just wanted to be normal..." "I know how you feel," I said, my eyes glued to the ground. "Trust me on this one." "No, you wouldn't get it," he persisted, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You were nine. I was three! It was different for me, Jess. I didn't know what the hell was going on, and I didn't know where we were ever going, or why; all I knew was that I wanted it all to stop." He paused then, closing his eyes to the pain that I'm sure he still saw when those eyes were closed. I had always seen the pain even after I had closed mine. His face looked so angelic then; the pale grey light of the day and the innocence of his tears made Mackenzie look more like Zachary than ever before. Oh, Lord, how I missed him. Missed them both... Mackenzie choked back a sob, thinking that I hadn't noticed he had been crying the entire time. "But I had never wanted it to stop like this." He sounded like a little boy, a boy that he should have been, a boy he had never been given the chance to be. I was fooling myself, thinking that I was always the victim; Mackenzie had been a hell of a lot more than me, at a younger age than me, and I knew it. I just never wanted to believe someone in this world deserved more pity than me. His breathing became uneven, as his emotions began to wear the effectiveness of the drug off. "I never wanted to come here, Jess," he said, almost whining, in a little boy voice I thought he would never be able to make again. "I didn't want to be here, but you made me. I didn't wanna walk right up there and grieve, even though I knew I hated them, hated all of them..." The sobs soon overtook him, and I simply couldn't bear to see him in such pain any longer. I cautiously approached him, unsure of how Mac would react to my next action. Unsure of how I would react to my next action. Embracing him tightly, and shedding a few tears myself, I allowed Mackenzie to cry in my arms; to let all of his emotions go as they needed to. I had never thought of how difficult life was for Mackenzie; never seeing your home, your family, any familiarities, for years; losing Taylor and Zac before he could ever understand how, or why; never having a father, nor a mother who gave a shit about any of her children; having no one in the world to talk to or befriend. "I can't go back there," he whispered, trying to hide himself in the folds of my trenchcoat. Never before had I seen Mackenzie so vulnerable, so innocent...perhaps today's little outing was more important for some other than me. Perhaps I wasn't the only one who needed today. "They don't want me there. I shouldn't be there." "Who doesn't want you there?" I said, keeping my voice low. I didn't want Avery or Zoe to know that I was actually bonding with our little brother. "Avery and Zoe?" Mackenzie shook his head roughly, and choked back a sob. "Tay and Zac," he mumbled into my coat. He let out another sob into the coat, and tried to burrow himself closer to me, as if I was his protectorate. I didn't even know how I had gotten into this situation; didn't I just hate my family fifteen minutes ago? Knowing not what else to do, I held Mackenzie tighter, stroking his head intermittently. "It's okay," I reassured him, my gaze lingering towards the two tombstones. "They would want you to be there, Mack. They still love you. We all still love you." Mackenzie looked up at me, his eyes wet with tears, the bloodshot veins gone, the effects of the drug wearing off with his emotions. "You mean it?" he said innocently, and I almost pitied him completely. I wondered how this young boy, this child barely into his teens, would have turned out if none of this ever happened. What would have become of poor Mackenzie Hanson if he had a normal upbringing, with normal parents and a caring household... I nodded, smiling. "Now let's go back there, okay?" Mackenzie smiled up at me. It was the first time I had seen him smile genuinely since he was five. He was finally coming to terms with their deaths. He was finally coming to accept the hand fate has dealt him. And, perhaps, much like Mackenzie, we all were.
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