Ann Landers: October 6, 2001

Knowing When Mr. Nice Guy Is Really a Jerk

Dear Ann: I am a 19-year old college sophomore and recently broke up with my boyfriend.  I truly thought he was "the one".  He said I was his inspiration and that God wanted him to marry me.  All of this was very flattering, but now I realize that he was manipulative and a control freak.  Thankfully, my parents saw through him, and I was smart enough to listen.  I would like to offer some guidelines.  BEWARE:

• If you feel sorry for him. "Pity" is not a healthy thing on which to base a relationship.
• If the person is emotionally dependent on you. While it is nice to be needed, trying to fill someone's emotional needs can drive you bonkers.
• If the person has no friends except you, and cannot seem to make any new friends. There is a problem somewhere. Recognize it.
• If he or she never takes responsibility for whatever goes wrong and blames everything on others.
• If the person uses his or her religious beliefs and quotes the Bible to control you.  They may say, "God meant it to be", but don't take their word for it.
• If the person belittles your dreams.  Someone who loves you will encourage you to try to better yourself, even if it means you have less time together.
• If you suspect he is trying to "buy" you.  No matter how much money a guy spends, you don't owe him anything.  If he says otherwise, offer to split the bill or pay him back.

I wish to speak from experience.  Wiser in Texas.

Dear Wiser:  The Voice of Experience speaks louder than anything I might say.   Thanks for the input.