1. Following are the questions listed at the ESPN Sidelines Show website, along with the answers I posted. Why I wasn't chosen to be on the show remains a mystery.

 


 

1. Will you be in College Station from July through December 2001?

 

Yes


2. In a few sentences, relate one experience (not related to A&M) that has made you who you are today.

 

I think when I began drinking alcoholic beverages, the edge came off life and I learned to lighten up and have some fun.  Growing up in a dry county afforded few opportunities to imbibe.  There were plenty of guys making the run to Reagor Springs with their fake ID's, but I was too scared of my parents, teachers and church-going peers to join in.  The first time I was initiated into the fraternity of alcohol consumption was when a childhood friend who played football for McMurray College decided to get married.  I was invited to be in the wedding party, so off I flew to Abilene.  After rehearsal and dinner, his fraternity and football buddies asked if I would like to join them for a night out on the town.  I volunteered to go along as designated driver.  Our transportation for the evening was one of the Groomsmen's 1979 lemon-yellow Cadillac.  The entire trunk was filled with ice and a variety of adult beverages, many of which I didn't recognize.  They offered me a beer and I knew, having made a few trips to go dancing at the Hall of Fame, one beer couldn't hurt.  After all, summer nights in Abilene are hot and I was sure thirsty.  I don't know at what point I ceased being the designated driver that night.  I do remember the cool feeling of the toilet seat on my forehead at Abilene's Dixie Pig Restaurant, sometime in the wee hours.  The following morning, as the others showered and dressed, the groom's dad walked into our hotel room and exclaimed that everyone better get a move on because, “Look her, Mark’s already dressed”.  He didn't know I hadn't taken my boots off in 24 hours.  Neither did I.

3. What makes you laugh?

I can remember on two occasions laughing so hard I nearly soiled myself.  The first was when I was in college (the first time) here at TEXAS A&M.  I lived in a house near sorority row with between 4 and 6 other guys.  We were constantly having people over that we had met in class or wherever.  One of these guys we had met lived on campus.  His neighbor in the dorm had a phone number that was one digit off from the phone registration number that everyone calls to sign up for classes each semester.  When you call the correct number, a computerized voice asks for all kinds of information (kind of like this survey) and then prompts you to enter course numbers, section numbers and the like by pressing numbers on the phone key pad.  Needless to say, this neighbor got tired of getting calls from touch-tone challenged students who were dialing the wrong number, either accidentally or in an attempt to find a back door to the system.  Finally, he and some friends decided to have a little fun.  First, they scripted the entire phone registration litany of questions by calling the correct number and writing down what the computer asked. Next, they made a few subtle and not so subtle changes.  Finally they sat back and waited for the phone to ring.  (Someone had the foresight to have a tape recorder handy.  This was the means by which we were let in on the gag).  A typical call went something like this:  "Thank you for calling the Texas A&M VOICE registration system.  Please SAY your student ID number followed by the pound sign NOW!".  You would hear the sound of the hapless student busily punching away  numbers on the keypad.  About halfway through their entry a convincingly computerized-sounding voice would announce, "Incorrect!  Please SAY your student ID number NOW!".  This might go on for 2 or 3 tries until the 'computer' would say something like, "If you are experiencing difficulty, please PRESS the # sign for an attendant".  So you would hear a tone and the receiver would get passed to the 'attendant' who would say something like, "This is Bob.  How can I help you".  The student would explain that the system wasn't letting them type in their number, to which Bob would reply, "This is our new VOICE activated system.  Instead of entering the number on your keypad, our new generation of VOICE RECOGNITION SOFTWARE recognizes the spoken numbers and enters them into the computer for you.  I'm going to put you back on the system now, OK?”  The student would then hear the same prompt, and, usually, begin saying the numbers.  A few students would try entering them on the keypad again until the 'computer' interrupted them.  Sometimes they would have suggestions for things the computer could do with itself.  The computer would reply, "I'm sorry.  The Texas A&M VOICE registration system cannot SCREW itself.  Please SAY your student ID number followed by the pound sign NOW!".  Other students would say their student ID number and press the pound key on the keypad.  The 'computer' would reply, "NO! Don't press the pound key.  Say "The pound key".  Say it NOW!".  The student would say, "Pound key".  The computer would reply, "NO!  Say "THE pound key". Say it NOW!".  This might go on two or three times until the student finally said 'THE' before "pound key".  Others had to press the # key on the keypad and get it all explained to them by Bob. So on it would go.  Some students would SAY their course numbers, section numbers, option numbers, fee numbers and all kinds of numbers for 21 hours of courses, only to have the computer then say something like, "I'm sorry, the computer is experiencing high usage.  Please call back later".   Other students would be prompted to enter MasterCard numbers, checking account numbers, room numbers and serial numbers off common appliances.  Most were only too happy to oblige.  One particularly obliging co-ed was told to enter "The pound sign" followed by a heavy-breathing sound.  She got a lot of practice doing this.  Another fellow with an accent from somewhere north of Texarkana received an extended lesson on how to pronounce "The".  As my roommates and I listened to this recording some drooled, some slid from their chairs and others screamed for mercy.  I've seldom heard anything half as funny. 

 

The second time I almost wet myself in mirthful merriment was shortly after I was married.  Sondra (my wife) and I were visiting some also newly married friends back home in Waxahachie, TX.  This fellow was a youth pastor who had friends still in seminary - evil friends who are going to hell, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  Around this time there was a “popular” televangelist (is that two words or one?) in Dallas named Robert Tilton who, on his television program, would rant and rave and carry on about dogs sleeping with cats and who knows what else.  Anyway, every now and then he would halt mid-sentence, cock his head to one side, squint, and receive messages from God on high or Timothy Leary or somebody and murmur something like, "yes lord, yes, yes, oh yes", and then explain the message he had just received then go to a commercial for his anointed prayer cloths.  Well these evil seminary students compiled on videotape segment after segment of ol' Robert doing the head-cocking eye squint, but felt led to add some additional audio in the form of rather robust flatulence.  So here is Robert Tilton, head cocked to one side, squinting, and on the tape you hear  {fart noise} "yes lord" {short fart noise} "yes"{short fart noise} "yes" {long fart noise} "oh yes".  Three minutes into this I had to pantomime through tears to stop the tape in fear of going to hell myself. 


4. What personal accomplishments are you most proud of?

Anytime I finish something I start, I'm proud.  I started attending Texas A&M as a green country boy fresh out of Midlothian High School in 1983.  After 5 years of yell practices, standing in the bleachers for hours, rainy Baylor games and a few classes, I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, so I left to start my first business. In 1994 I sold my first business to my partner and went back to A&M to finish.  But my partner decided not to pay me after a few months and I left school to start another business.  In 1999 I sold my second business and went back to A&M to finish.  I donned the cap and walked the stage in May of 2003, 20 years after wandering into town.


5. What interests you the most about being on this show?

 

I've been in Aggieland a long time but a lot of folks have been here longer, some for a lifetime. (few have been enrolled as long!)  By the time I graduated I was going to classes with kids that were young enough to be my children.  It made me want to give something back.  I'm not a legend with buildings named in my honor.  But as a designer I create, manufacture and install some of the awards that commemorate the folks who are.  Men like Mr. Burkhart who was there in Junction with The Bear that sweltering summer so long ago.  Others like Mr. Gill who stood first on the sidelines ready to go into the game when called.  In college (the first time) I worked for a sign shop where one of my jobs was to apply Old-Aggies' names to seats way up in Kyle Field.  I would go at 2:00 in the morning when it's cool enough to work there in late August.  I would take the old keys and unlock the gates,  then turn on the lights and scattering owls and spirits that perched there in the rafters.  There's something in that place when you're alone with it before dawn.  And while is doesn't whisper, "sieze the day boys", I can't swear that as I walked through the old part of the horseshoe on my way to morning that I didn't hear the ghosts of coach Moran and my Great-Uncle Rollins whisper rhymes of how 13-0 begat Bevo on that day of victory so long ago. 

6. Do you believe in absolute truths or do you think that life is filled with gray areas?

Last time I checked black and white made gray.

 


7. Would you prefer to sign a contract on the dotted line or would you be satisfied with a handshake to close a deal?

 

          My experience with business has taught me that a contract is only as strong as the character of the person holding the pen.  I guess that goes for the hands doing the shaking too.  Should I call my lawyer?
 
8. Who is the most important person in your life?

 

My wife, Sondra.  Without her I would be a drunk, talentless writer instead of a sober talentless...HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

9. Are you currently married or in a relationship and, if so, what is the status of that relationship?

See 8.


10. Who do you most admire?

I don't know many people.  I admire myself for staying sane this long.  I admire what I've read of Teddy Roosevelt, a sick scrawny kid who worked his way physically and politically to the top of the heap while pissing off a bunch of people on the way.  His Speech at the Sorbonne that begins, "It's not the critic that counts..." is a sort of point of reference for me.  My abridged version is, "Do SOMEthing".


11. Would you describe yourself as someone who is always in a hurry, or do you like to take your time?

 

Why do you see things in absolutes?  This is clearly a gray area.  'Always' is a word I seldom use.  It's a word my children use a lot, as in, "Patrick ALWAYS gets to go first".  We all know Patrick doesn't ALWAYS get to go first. I would describe myself as someone who is SOMETIMES in a hurry and who SOMETIMES likes to take my time.

12. Do you believe in love at first sight?


”I believe in God, and in his son Jesus Christ, and because I do, I can say this: Private Santiago is dead and that's a tragedy. But he's dead because he had no code. He's dead because he had no honor. And God was watching.” (See ‘A Few Good Men’)


13. Are you the kind of person who is not bothered by a little mess or are you more comfortable when everything is in its place?

 

Here you go again with this absolutes vs. gray areas stuff.  Do you want me to say I believe there's a place for everything and that it should ALWAYS be in its place?  Look at our former Commander-in-chief.  He wasn't bothered by a little mess and the next thing you know he's answering questions from a Texas lawyer faster than you can say blue-stained-dress.  You people can be as messy as you want as long as it doesn't bother me.

14. Does meeting a stranger wear you out or exhilarate you?

 

I take sign orders from strangers all the time at work.  They come in from who knows where to order signs and banners and all manners of things.  Some know exactly what they want.  They will have their orders typed - double spaced on company letterhead - and artwork on correctly formatted disks with graphics vectorized and fonts embedded and a hard copy, just in case.  I could just climb over the counter and give them a big hug and kiss although I haven't done this yet.  These people are DAMN exhilarating.  Then there are customers who don't know artwork from a crack in their sidewalk.  They bring in a business card their kid has drawn with a dull crayon and say, "Make a billboard from this in 32 colors and, oh yeah, I need this tomorrow afternoon, but not after 1:00 because I'm having my hair done.  "Wear out" is too gray a term to describe these people. 

15. If a discussion becomes heated, do you tend to back down or do you stick to your guns?

 

A wise person once said that even a fool appears wise if he remains silent.  No-one likes to have someone's agenda shoved down their throat.

16. What is most important to you, to be right or to be liked?

These aren't mutually exclusive.  It is possible to be both right and liked, unless, of course you don't believe in absolutes in which case you just spread the gray thick while smiling.


17. Which do you most admire - a God-given talent or financial success?

 

A wise person once said a person skilled in their labor will serve before kings.  See 13.

18. When you make a decision, do you tend to consider all options carefully and deliberately or do you make up your mind spontaneously?

 

Yes.

19. What's the most interesting job you've ever had and why?

 

I was once manager for a summer of a shop that made fudge.  It was located in the Old Post Office Pavilion in Washington D.C. on Pennsylvania Avenue.  The business concept involved not just making several varieties of fudge in copper kettles and on thick marble slabs in full view of the customers, but also telling stories about the fudge, singing about the fudge, performing skits about the fudge and, in general, deifying the fudge.

 

 (sung to the tune of  It's a Grand Old Flag)

 

 "It's a grand old fudge,

  it's a high flying fudge

  and I want you to buy some today..."

 

This got really old by the end of the summer and I began to count the days left before I went back to school.  Actually, this was not my most interesting job, but I do feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest. 

Another time back when I was in high school, I worked for a family that seemed immensely wealthy.  There was the patriarch, Charles C. and his wife Mona.  They lived in the big house (not to be confused with THE big house) and owned two Cadillacs, a Suburban, a yaught, er, yaauct, uh, big boat, a swimming pool and a chain of savings-and-loans  (this was when owning a chain of savings-and-loans was still a good thing).  Their oldest daughter (#1) lived with her husband (what’s-his-name) in a huge house to the north of Charles and Mona.  They had a Cadillac, a BMW a boat and a land development company that could arrange financing through a chain of local savings-and-loans.  Their youngest daughter (#2) lived with her husband (what’s-his-name #2) in a huge house to the south of Charles and Mona.  They owned some other stuff.  They were all within walking distance of each other.  I don't know yet why a sitcom or soap hasn't been written about this arrangement.  My job description was similar to Forest Gumps when he was in the army;  I did just what any one of my many sergeants told me to do.  At any given moment I could be found performing a task not limited to one of the following:

 

-    working as a teller in one of the savings and loans

-    giving swimming lessons to the grandkids

-        mowing the lawns

-        dressing up like a bellboy and rolling out the red carpet in a commercial for the grand opening of their newest savings and loan

-        shopping for Charles D.'s (grandpa's) Christmas present at Neiman Marcus ("just get him something golfy")

-        numbering stock certificates for...I should have read what those were for

-        building the savings and loan float for the annual citywide parade

-        going out for groceries

-        shredding documents

-        cleaning the pool

-        chauffeuring the grandkids to and from dance class

-        purchasing matching satellite TV systems for each of the houses

-        keeping the Champaign glasses full at the grand opening of their newest savings-and-loan

 

and on it goes.  In a way this job prepared me for my future career in ____________.

20. Have you ever acted or performed or appeared on TV or film?

 

See 19.

21. Are you dating? Where does your current relationship stand?

 

I continue to date a hot babe named Sondra.  I’m not sure where it stands, but the laying part is great!


22. Where did you grow up?

I haven't grown up yet and doubt I will.  I spent my younger years in rural Ellis County, three miles south of Ovilla, TX (pop. ~300) I attended High School at Midlothian High in Midlothian, TX (pop. ~5000).  Rolling Stone did a story about a narc that got offed there back in 80's.  The county seat was Waxahachie, TX (pop. ~15,000) where such films as 'Places in the Heart', 'Tender Mercies', and, for reasons I’ll never understand, “Paris, Texas” were filmed.  In the early 1980’s the federal government came to town and started digging a big hole in the ground that they never finished.


23. What would someone close to you describe as your best traits?

 

My resemblance to the character George on Seinfield.

24. Who do you most admire?

 

Dammit, I said TR!

25. Describe a major event that has affected your life.

 

Passage of the 21st Amendment to the Constitution.

26. What personal accomplishments are you most proud of?

 

Hopefully, one will be completion of this questionnaire.

27. What interests you the most about being on this show?

 

Proofread, proofread, proofread!

28. Have you ever been arrested, charged with a crime, or convicted of a crime? If so, please describe and tell us when the event occurred.

 

I was once pulled over by the Fightin' Texas Aggie University Police (whoop!!!) for executing a rolling stop.  This was when I discovered that those wacky 'kampus kops' were the equivalent of State Troopers.  After accessing their computer they discovered I had an outstanding speeding ticket from a few years before written in Big Lake county out in West Texas (if a black hole ever crashed into the earth, this is where it hit - don't believe me?  find it on a map).  I was kept within 'arm's reach' until my wife produced a check for the amount owed.  Does this count? 

29. Are you low maintenance or high maintenance?

 

Give me a Shiner and set me in a corner.


30. What are your five-year professional goals?

I think world peace has been tried and it’s always disappointing, so I’ll leave that one out.  I think making goals is important and I plan to come up with some very professional sounding ones within the next five years.  First, though, I plan to finish graduate school.  I think twenty years has been a reasonable amount of time to wrap things up.  There's so much to learn!


31. What are your five-year personal goals?

 

I have trouble separating my professional and personal lives and plan to do better in this area.  I plan to remain married.  I plan to keep my children away from journalists.  See 30.

32. Do you have any artistic talents?

 

This is another one of those gray areas.  I can play a few basic chords on the guitar.  I can tune a guitar with a little help.  I draw real pretty.  I enjoy singing when there are a lot of other people singing a lot louder than I am.  Most of my talents, though, are of the non-artistic variety.

33. Have you ever hit someone? If so, describe the circumstances.

 

Once in 2nd grade I got really worked up over something and the nearest person around was the biggest guy in class.  Well I just starting swinging away but could only reach the top of his stomach.  He just stood there and cried like a baby.  I felt awful and never hit anyone again.  But I did GET hit plenty!

34. Would you ever go to a nude beach?

When I go to a beach, it becomes one sooner or later.

 

35. Tell us about your best and worst experiences as an Aggie fan.

 

Best - beating Texas at home in '85 to go to the Cotton Bowl.  There was cotton blowing so thick in the air of the upper deck of Kyle Field that it looked like snow!  Worst – losing to SMU in ’83 at Texas Stadium and being taunted as we left by the Pony SB’s, “poooor aggies, pooooor aggies”.

36. Do you fall in love easily?

 

Every time.

37. Have you ever cheated?

 

Have you ever lied?

38. How do you handle conflict?

 

When possible, I avoid conflict.  When conflict is not avoidable, I negotiate.  When negotiation fails, I run like hell.

39. If you were the President of the United States, what would be the first thing you would do?

 

 My first act as President of the United States would be to make my wife an intern.

40. Do you like to spend time in groups or by yourself?

 

Schizophrenia solves so many problems.

41. What would you absolutely NOT do for a million dollars?

           

I would not do whatever you told me not to do for a million dollars.

42. Tell us an embarrassing story about yourself.

 

“Once upon a time I fell asleep filling out a seemingly endless questionnaire and someone pulled my pants down, took a photo and posted it on the Internet.  The End.”

43. What makes you laugh?

 

Proofread, proofread, proofread.

44. Are you spontaneous?

 

When required.

45. What are your hobbies?

 

I like to try new things.

46. Do you have any children? Describe them.

 

Jessica, 8 - A lot like her dad (uh, that would be me).  Spontaneous, a natural leader even if no one wants to be led, active, athletic, stubborn and artistic.

 

Patrick, 7 - Quiet (compared to Jessica), mechanically gifted, observant, careful and warm.

 

Kenneth, 5 - Talkative, LOUD, aggressive, angelic and tough.

47. Describe your childhood.

ALONE in the country, an only child with no close neighbors, my mind became the fields I explored, fertile soil for imagined adventures.


Tell us your thoughts on:

48. Abortion


I’m in favor of extending the statute into, say, the 180th trimester.


49. Affirmative action

 

No one likes having somebody else's agenda shoved down their throat.  Law doesn't change the heart.

50. The death penalty

 

It reduces the murder rate among the person doing the murdering every time, unless you think the one applying the penalty is the one doing the murdering.

51. Interracial marriage

 

People are people.  To couples so inclined I advise fortitude; I'm sure a portion of society doesn't share my sentiment. 

52. Euthanasia

Was this an 80's rock band?  (See 48)


53. Gun control

 

I'll control my gun, you control yours.

54. Homosexuality

 

I'm happy straight.

55. Do you ever feel intimidated by others? When? Why? How do you react in these situations?

Rarely.  I think it has involved the business end of lethal weapons being waved in my direction.  I usually negotiate.  When that fails, I run like hell.

 

56. Do you like having your picture taken?

...as long as fingerprinting isn't involved.


57. What do you fear most? Why?

 

I fear my computer crashing before these answers are submitted.  I fear children who don't know their father.

58. Would you rather be brilliant or popular? Why?

 

I prefer being brilliant AND popular!

59. Do you have any regrets?

 

I regret I don't have more time to spend on some of these answers.

60. Do you talk to strangers on planes? Who starts the conversation?

 

I ALWAYS start the conversation and usually end up serving drinks. 

61. Do you smoke cigarettes?

 

Once or twice a decade when I've' let my hair down' a little too far.

62. Do you drink alcohol? What do you drink?

 

I drink alcohol, usually in moderation.  I like Shiner Bock with barbeque and cheese, a rum and coke, Chevis & soda or gin and tonic occasionally after work or when eating out at a chain restaurant, light beer on ice at the beach, wine when eating out someplace fancy or at home with my wife, and Cuervo warm from the bottle when I can 'let my hair down'.

63. Do you use recreational drugs?

 

I once took Tylenol on a camping trip.

64. Tell us about a recent argument you had with someone. Who usually wins?
Who usually ends your arguments?

I recently got a call from a telemarketer who persistently tried to get me to open a Mastercard account.  While I enjoyed the running skirmish, I eventually got tired and decided to have a little fun.  I asked if he would be interested in purchasing some old underwear.  He replied that he wouldn’t, and went quickly back to his presentation.  I countered, using the same tactic.  This went on for four or five turns until he hung up.  It ended the argument.  You judge who won.

 

 




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