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Song Playing is
"You'll Never Walk Alone"
THE GRIEF PROCESS
We ARE "Called", by God, to "Bear One Another's Burdens",
(Galathians 6:1,2)
AND to Give Back To Others, Once we have Recovered
from Our Own Grieving(Corinthians 2 1:3,4)
Hello, I am Melissa. I am glad that you wanted to visit this page.
If you are grieving over the Loss of Any-one or Any-thing that we are/were emotionally attached too {a Loved One, a Divorce, Loss of a Job, or Other Losses} these steps DO apply to you. I use the Loss of a Loved One in my examples, because it is what I am familiar with. One can never read the steps and Processes/Steps of Grief enough to fully understand that this process is very delicate and very fragile to humans that have faced such situations in their lives. They are for Parents, Spouses, Siblings, Family, Friends.. anyone. Young Children, need these Step's broken down into smaller, easier to understand pieces that they will be able to understand. I do feel those who's Loved Ones were taken at a Young Age, or there were no chances to say Good Bye, or we had to watch them suffer a Slow and Painful Death, or they have Committed Suicide, is something that needs extra attention by you, because your Loved One is there, and then they are Gone just like that. Maybe you have had to watch them Lay and Suffer. In Suicide situations, you are left with a Painful "Wondering" feeling of Why and How could this happen. For Parent's, I feel for so much. In the "Normal Life Cycle", most times the Child outlives the Parent's. When it is backwards, that is so hard on the Parent's. I see my Parent's, even though they are doing better, I feel very much for them. The Grieving Process, is NOT limited to any one certain kind of Loss. They are for Everyone and Anyone (I believe, this includes EVERYONE) not just those of us who have lost someone suddenly, in a traumatic death, one certain way, but ANYONE who has lost a Loved One. This includes, some-one being "Clinically Brain Dead" {Coma's} because they are here, but they really are not.) That is tough, because they are not living at all; they are only here in bodily form. We always have a Love that can never be parted with for Our Lost Loved One. When we FULLY realize, that they would want us to be Happy, after going through the process of grief, we can live much better, healthier, and happier lives. God so eagerly desires for us to be able to live that way.
Lord Jesus, I don't have a smile today, would you please give me your smile?..and HE DOES:)
When we feel we are "communicating" with Our Loved Ones, it is really and TRUTHFULLY the Lord who is guiding us and laying things on our hearts. It is not our actual Loved Ones themselves.
I read 2 Grief books, after my Brother passed away. The steps of Grieving is what seemed to help me the most. I did have the Lord on my side also, telling me it was OK to feel each of these things and that in order to heal correctly, I would have to go through the steps. The Grief books were only the steps. The Holy Spirit was guiding me as to what to add to the steps, that he wanted others to know.
I wanted, nothing more than to be able to heal from my Brothers sudden Death.
Incase you did not read my Brother's story, he was killed in a sudden car crash, on September 11 1997, at age 20. He and his friend, Jeremy (who was 21 at the time) were both out "having a good time." After leaving a bar, Jeremy ran a stop sign. A truck ran into them at 55 MPH, striking the passenger side of Jeremy?s car where my brother, Mike, was sitting. My brother and the man driving the truck both died. Jeremy is now changing his life for the better. I use Mike in the examples that I give here, because I have been through each of these Step's myself.
Another thing that I often apply to situations in my life, is called a "Means End Analysis". This is when you look at where you want to go in the future, where you are now, then what you are going to do and apply to get to where you want to go, and how you want to be in the future. It is a good way to look at many things. I am sure many of us already do this; we just did not know what it was called. It will help you as a tool here on earth. You will be able to "logically" look at whatever you are going through.
I think it helped me the most to know that I was not alone. I was not going through things that many others had not or were not going through. I felt relieved, in a sense, to be able to grasp what was happening to me, my life, and why I had these feelings. For those who have not gone through the Loss of a Loved One, I guess there really is no way you can fully understand how this really and truley feels and just how much it can affect you and your life. The closest way, I guess, to try and be able to understand: is to imagine, that someone you are very close to is gone one day. There is no more of that special person in your life ever, ever again. I am sure, if you are a human with real feelings, that's pretty hard to imagine isn't it? I hope and pray that you never have to go through anything like this. For those who have really had to deal with a Loss or Losses, it's not something we "imagine". We live with this, for real, in our life. It is not a fantasy, game, or something we imagine. I hope and pray by me sharing these steps with you, in some way, as I always say, it will Help You. I am sure this is a soul searching time for many of us. I was saved and fully gave my life to the Lord, right after my Brother passed away.
I know that JESUS does NOT want me to remember my Brother mangled and crushed by a S-10 truck. HE wants me to remember the Bright Flash, Glimpse of Heaven, My Brother in HIS arms. He wants me to share the Love, Grace, & Mercy of Jesus Christ with others...Now & Always. Making this Christian Web Home was out of my strict "Obedience" to my Lord and Saviour.
You know, We are all held accountable by God for our own doings here on this earth. But, I do believe that Jesus knows it ALL. Even if your Loved One knew that their time was up, 1 second before their life on earth was gone, and they cried out to the Lord Jesus..they were/are Saved.
I believe my Brother knew his time was up. The road where my brothers friend ran the stop sign- there was a pretty clear vision both ways if any head lights were coming from other Vehicles. I believe he cried out to the Lord Jesus in his last breath. They did have him back to breathing for a second. He knew all about JESUS. He was once a Youth Pastor's assistant.
This helped me very much to get through many parts of my grief. However, not everyone handles or can handle this the same way. It is up to you, where you want to go in your life and if you will do the right things to get there. Your level of Faith and Trust in God is yours and yours alone. You have feelings as any other human. We are not made without feelings, and God understands that Losing a Loved One is very, very hard. It can be very, very easy to slip into a deep depression. I almost did until..I caught myself and realized, I really could not do this alone. I knew I really, truley needed the "man upstairs" to help me along my way. Not only now, for this, but with everything in my life. If you have any questions, or if you need anything, please email me, and I will be glad to help any way that I can, as best that I can, as soon as I can.
Psalms 6:6 I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.
Psalms 6:9 The Lord hath heard my supplication; the Lord will receive my prayer.
I refer to the steps as steps and not as stages, because they are not "stages." Being careful as to how I label something on this subject, I do not want to give out information that is untrue. I did try to make these easy to understand, and I also added a few examples in hopes that you would be able to fully understand what each step means. You can see if you have gone through any of the steps or some of them and relate them to your own life. These are steps of the Grieving Process that many of us will go through some of the time and maybe several different times, at any given time. Of course, the first few listed are applied, I feel, more to the beginning of the Loss of your Loved One. We can not be on the same steps as anyone else, because we are each different. We will go through different feelings and processes at different times. That is one BIG thing that I have learned. Trying to be like someone else, in this, is impossible. Because we are each different and unique. We can not be like anyone else. Especially, when it comes to something such as this.
1) DENIAL/SHOCK/NUMBNESS- This is what generally happens when we first hear about the loss of our Loved One, and it really is a wonderful thing in the beginning. This protects us, at first, to be able to get through such a sad, sudden Loss or any kind of Loss. This gives you time to be able to go through the things that you will have to such as: the Funeral and being around other Family Members etc.. Most times we do not begin the Grieving Fully of a Loved One, until after we have gone through these things. They are pretty self explanitory, almost as if you know deep inside what has happened, but there is a huge sheild over you, protecting you, all over. This is so you will be able to "function". I know, I could not feel anything in my body soon after I was told. Everything to my very steps were numb. I was walking, but I could not feel my feet walking on the ground. I was eating, but I could not taste or feel the food go down my throat. I awoke to a house full of people the next day, but they were just stopping in to say hello, not because Mike was gone. I was picking out Mikes casket, but he really was not gone. It was all "not real" so to speak in this part of the step, but it really was real. Only it was not real in my mind. Also, these steps allow us to slowly absorb what has happened. If we did not have this part of the step, we may not be able to handle fully grasping and absorbing this reality, all at one time. We may totally lose ourselves and our control.
2) FEAR/VUNERABILTY- We often go through this step. I know I did after my Brothers death, especially while I was driving or riding in a car. I always felt that someone was going to run a stop sign and crash into me. My life too, would be over. I did not drive for about 3 months after Mike's death, because of this fear. Soon, I realized I could not go the rest of my life and not drive. I slowly began driving again. Even while riding with someone else, I was always holding on to the bar on the side of the door and kept my feet tucked way in so that if we crashed, I thought, maybe they would not be so damaged. Of course, I feel, this too is natural. It will depend on the type of loss you are suffering or how you lost your loved one, as to what you may go through. (If you lost someone to cancer, you may have fear of getting cancer yourself, if someone was shot you may have fear of being shot.. etc.) I pray, if you are going through this, your fear will go away. You will ,once again, be able to do what you once did. Of course, always apply safety and common sense in ALL that you do.
3) PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS- I am sure, you will go through a time of many different and mixed emotions. Sometimes, you may not be able to control them, especially in the beginning. This, to me, is one of the biggest and most important steps in Grief. Being able, with time, to overcome these feelings and being able to function again as a Healthy and Happy Person. I know I used to feel so UnGodly, because I thought feeling this way: sad, angry, upset, and confused meant that I was not doing things right. I know God is Loving and Understanding. To be able to heal, he also wants us to be able to feel what has happened. If we are to heal, we have to allow ourselves to go through feelings, just as long as we do not stay stuck there. Anger too, is a God given emotion. it is how we LEARN to handle and deal with our Anger and keep it under control. I did not stay to long at any one certain feeling, but I did go through them all. God knows, we had a loved one taken from us and that is not an easy thing to digest. He knows that.
4) POST TRAUMATIC STRESS/GUILT- This is good news, because it means that you are not crazy. You are going through another step of healing. Of course, I think, we all wish when our Loved One is gone home, there was something we could have done, should have done, could have said, and should have said. We feel we are to blame in some way. "Big or Small. When someone reaches a certain older age, they make their own choices in life and sometimes, Sadly.. they are not always the correct choices. We cannot be responsible for someone else's choice. A good example, for them to follow, should always be set, especially by Parent's, but that does not mean when someone is older( especially in Teen years) that they will follow the examples that you have set either. Even me, as Mike's Sister, I used to feel if I had not been living the life that I was when he passed away, he may still be here. I could have helped him more to not be living a life that he turned to, which was drinking and drugs. I know now that Blaming myself and Blaming yourself, is only going to hurt you. Letting go of the feeling that it's your fault, is what needs to be done. Learning from what happened and changing our own life to a better way is a good thing to do after we lose someone. We may help someone else -hopefully- to not have to go through situations like this. I do apply this to my life now, and I live each day as if there was no tomorrow. I realize tomorrow is not always here and is not promised to us. I always make sure, that what I need to do is done today, and it is not put off. I also make sure that I am setting the best possible example that I can for my 2 Sons, and I hope and pray that it will be enough, when they get older, and they are faced with situations and choices in life. Situations and choices they will be faced with as Teens and as Adults. Hopefully they will stay clear of costly mistakes, addictions and wrong doings. Our Loved Ones know that we Loved them, and we done the best that we could. Hanging on to this to long, I feel, is very damaging. Guilt is something that should not be carried to long. It is an extra burden, and burdens don't belong to us. They belong to the Lord. He carries those burdens just for US, if we let him.
5) ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/ACCOMMODATION- This is hard. The first time we acknowledge what has happened. It means, accepting the Loss and understanding fully all of the things that happened. We realize that they are real, and they are true ( No longer pretending ) as when we first learned about Denial/Shock/Numbness. This step will come, later. We no longer have to feel half of what happened or only some of what happened. We can deal "fully" with what has happened.(Ex. Mike will never be coming to the dinner table again, Mike will not be calling me on the phone ever again, Mike will not be walking through the door and saying Hi ever again, Mike will not ever get the card and letter I wrote after he passed away). Understanding that our Loved one is really not coming back, is what this means. Memories can NEVER be taken from us but, hopefully in time, they can be the good Memories that we remember the most, instead of the ones that can scar us over and over again. God knows we need to carry the wonderful times with us, and I am sure we all want to do that. It can be hard though. Something that helps me is knowing my Loved One, My Brother Mike, and I am sure we all feel our Loved One would want us to be able to do this. They would want us to carry the good memories and not the bad. They would want us to go on with our life and live each day fully, until our time comes to go home. I still live in this step. I live like that daily, thinking of that daily.
6) SORROW- There is no way around feeling the Sorrow of Our Loved Ones Death. No-one can take this away from you. When a part of us dies, as it does when someone that was once in our life is no longer there, here on earth, in a mostly healthy bodily form "it hurts". No-one expects us or can expect us to erase our Loved Ones from our life. That is just impossible! Even God knows we can never do that. He's God-- "Love and Peace". Love means we are attached to someone, forever. I am sure that none of us will ever be out of the Sorrow Step. From time to time, we all have to have a good cry and afterwards we often feel much better. Tears can heal and holding them in does not help. Have a good cry, let it flow, and I am sure you will feel better afterwards. It's hard to deal with, and I know the Lord knows that and that he understands why I feel the way I do...The very tears I shed are not tears of anger. They are tears full of hurt.. the Lord hurts with me and cries with me...
7) GRIEF SPASMS- From time to time, I am sure we will always live with these. I did not have any idea what these were, until I read a book about this soon after my Brother passed away in 1997. I knew that while I was out sometimes in public, I would see someone that looked so much like Mike, and I would just get tears...or someone would sound just like him and there would be tears again, someone could laugh just like him and again...tears, someone even could be dressed like he used to dress, and I would just get tears...that is what this is, Grief Spasms. I never realized how many others looked, acted, talked, and dressed like him, until he passed away. I guess, because that part of us is longing for them to be back on earth with us, living their lives here. We almost tend to look more, I think, to see and notice things about others we never did before. I do better now with dealing in this area. I don't have to run out of where I am, to cry. I can control this now. Often, I find myself smiling instead of crying. When this happens, it triggers good, loving memories and not feelings of sadness and hurt as much as this used to. It takes time though.
8) FORGIVENESS- Letting go of past hurts and things that others have done that have caused you pain. Forgiving them, in your heart, mind, and soul. It took me time to Forgive Mike's friend, but AFTER I did I felt much better knowing that I had done the right thing. I was able to move ahead with-out a heaviness on my heart. We have to Forgive, in our heart, mind, and soul to be able to move ahead with our life in a Healthy manner. Most importantly, because we ARE commanded by God to Forgive. Forgiving does not mean we are Forgetting. No matter how small the matter may seem, or how large, we HAVE to Forgive to Heal Fully. I have a large part of my web home, devoted to Forgiveness. Please take some time to visit these pages when you are done here. The links to get to them are at the bottom of this page.
9) FOCUS ON LIFE- This is one of the best steps in the Grief Steps This is where the intensity of your Loss can decrease, and your thoughts can fully increase on your own life, making it as best that it can be. Being able to do things that may have seemed or been impossible before for you. None of this can be rushed through, its not easy. It requires a lot of time, patience, and prayer. The Loss is always there, but it's not as clear and as vivid and upfront in my mind when I am at this step( the Crash, Events involving the Crash, the Funeral ) day after day after day. It never can leave fully, but it is not so upfront as it once was, when this first happened. I believe that people who have suffered the Loss of someone close to them, can reach out so much and help others. However, after some "time". After we allow ourselves to go through our steps, and we are fully healed ourselves. Life is so precious and fragile. I do not take anything for granted anymore. I know when the day comes for me to meet the Lord, I will fully be able to stand and say, I allowed myself to heal and I shared. There are so many out there that are going to go through what we have gone through. They will need some human help and guidance. When we have gone through this, we are so much help to them. Coming closer to God, is the MAIN STEP. I pray, if you are wagering in your Faith in him, that you will not fully grow apart from him. He is not the one who creates bad things. He is there to pick up the pieces and to help us along our way. God could never be angry at us, when we are trying and looking to him and allowing ourselves to heal, instead of allowing ourselves to live a life full of bitterness and hatred. I know we all need each other, and I pray that you will recover, and you will have a Happy, Healthy, Successful life ahead of you.
Thank you for visiting here and have Wonderful day. I hope you will take a few minutes to visit some of my other pages. I pray they can be of help to you. I write the pages I create from my heart. I also have a pretty big helper. it is My Lord that has helped me through this long, long, tough road, because I allowed him to help me. We all have a choice to be who we want to be and act how we want to act. Wanting someone to blame or blaming ourselves is often easy to feel and act upon. I was there also. To be honest, I did not want to be blaming anyone. "Especially" not God. We can live a life where we are doing the right things and applying safety to all that we do. Some Death's and Losses can be prevented by our own self.
Our Loving, Merciful, Fogiving Father in Heaven, cares so much about us that he wants us to come to HIM with Our Hurt. No matter how deep it is,
He CAN AND WILL Heal.
Love and Blessings,
Melissa
I do believe in "Outside Professional Help. Sometimes, we just have to obtain this in our lives {such as Christian Counseling, Personal Counseling, Alcohol Treatment, Drug Treatment, Family and Marriage Counseling Etc..} I also know the Lord Jesus needs to be in YOUR Life and Heart. He HAS to be the "CENTER" of your Professional Help.
No-one can put your life back together and make You and Others You Love
"COMPLETE and "WHOLE", with-out "EMPTINESS",
And Make your Situation that WAS Bad work for the GOOD,
as Jesus Christ Our Lord CAN.
I have recieved my Christian Counseling Lay Ministry Certification from the American Association of Christian Counselors. The classes I have had are: designed to educate and equip a community of helpers within the church to offer careful, Biblical encouragement, direction, hope and personal growth to hurting people in a hurting world.
It is my prayer and hope to bring each person who comes my way, closer to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God Bless
Melissa
Please visit ~ Welcome to My Christian Home Welcome to My Christian Home
Please visit ~ Our Beliefs Our Beliefs
Please visit ~ Salvation
Prayer if you have not already, will you accept Jesus into your life
today?
Please visit ~ Holy
Spirit Prayer A Prayer to Receive the Holy Spirit
Please visit ~ Forgiveness
Prayer A Prayer to help us Forgive Others
Please visit ~ Prayer to receive Healing Prayer to Receive Healing
Please visit ~ A Prayer For You A Prayer For You
Please visit ~ Is God Faithful/Overcome Trials/Storms Is God Faithful?Overcome Trials/Storms
Please visit ~ God Is God Is (Bible Versus)
Please visit ~ Praise and Worship Praise and Worship
Please visit ~ Forgiving Someone Else Forgiving Someone Else
Please visit ~ Forgiving Yourself Forgiving Yourself
Please visit ~ Spiritual Gifts Spiritual Gifts
Please visit ~ Tithing/Seed Sowing Tithing/Seed Sowing
Please visit ~ Rebuking Rebuking
Please visit ~ My
Christian Walk My Christian Walk/Testimony
Please visit ~ Power
of Prayer Power of Prayer
Please visit ~ College Life 2001 College Life 2001
Please visit ~ My Career 2002 My Career 2002
Please visit ~ Wings of Peace My Founders page/Spiritual Discernment Wings of Peace My Founders page/Spiritual Discernment
Please visit ~ Attack on America Dedication Attack on America Dedication
Please visit ~ Christian Graphics Christian Graphics
If my days were untroubled
and my heart always light,
Would I seek that fair land
where there is no night?
If I never grew weary
with the weight of my load,
Would I search for God's peace
at the end of the road?
If I never knew sickness
and never felt pain,
Would I search for a hand
to help and sustain?
If I walked without sorrow
and lived without loss,
Would my soul still seek solace
at the foot of the cross?
If all I desired
was mine day by day,
Would I kneel before God
and earnestly pray?
If God sent no winter
to freeze me with fear,
Would I yearn for the warmth
of spring every year?
I ask all these questions
and the answer is plain,
If my life were all pleasure
and I never knew pain -
I'd seek God less often
and need Him much less,
For we seek God more often
in times of distress.
And no one knows God
or sees Him as plain,
as those who have met Him
on the pathway of pain.
Author Unknown
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