This is actually ARaZhi-san's fic, but we contributed the turkey thing. ^_^ It's a really funny fic, and we hope you enjoy reading it!
This currently has 6 sections:
On Love
On Funnies and
Cooks
On Chickens and
Eggs
On Turkeys
On Babies
On Sex
(ohoho!)
George: What is love?
Kuwabara: Love is...love is
Yukina. ::lovestruck smile::
Yusuke: Love is blind. ::grins
mischievously and whispers:: Or maybe I can't see very well because of Keiko's
huge behind.
Keiko: Yusuke no BAKA! I heard
that!
Shizuru: Love is... ::hold her
lighter tightly and sniffs::
Botan: Love is... (sweatdrops)
^^ lemme look for it in my Reikai Book. Koenma-sama said everything's written in
the Reikai Book...
Keiko: Love is patient and
kind. Love is...
George dozes off while Keiko
talks.
...five minutes later...
Kaito: A strong positive
emotion of regard and affection. (spoken like someone who just swallowed a
dictionary)
Atsuko: Love is... Love is...
Yusuke! Where is that kid? YUSUKE! Get me a dictionary!
Raizen: Love? Go ask someone
else. I'm too hungry to think.
Hiei: Love is like a box of
chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
George (sweatdrop): I didn't
know you watch movies.
Hiei: Hn. Tell anyone that and
I'll kill you.
Yukina: Kazuma-kun told me,
love is Kazuma.
Hiei: You, idiot! Stop teaching
her such foolish things! Love is like a box of chocolates! (minna sweatdrop)
Kuwabara: Says who?!
Hiei: Forrest Gump! And I have
the tape to prove it!
Kuwabara and Hiei glares at
each other with death in their eyes...
George sweatdrops in fear,
afraid of a fight that might break out between Hiei and Kuwabara, decided to
quickly change the topic.
George: Next question! Who
is the funniest person you know?
Kuwabara: The shrimp! Love the
hair, shrimp! MWAHAHAHAHA! And Urameshi! He always looks funny! HAHAHAHAHA!
Yusuke: Kuwabara! Just look at
him! HAHAHA!
Hiei: Yusuke. Craziest ningen
I've met. And the Idiot. Just look at his hair! HAHAHAHA!
Kurama: My teammates. (grins
mischievously) That's one of the reasons why I stayed with the team. They're
just too funny to give up! HEHEHE!
George: Who cooks for your
family?
Yusuke: Keiko!!
Kurama: My kaasan. She's a
great cook! But ever since I moved out of the house... (smiles) there's Pizza
Hut, McDonalds, and (grins) Yusuke! (whispers) Yusuke's cooking isn't too good,
but it's free.
Yusuke: No it's not. You just
don't pay.
Kuwabara: Kurama doesn't pay
when he eats at your ramen stall?
Hiei: Only idiots pay.
Kuwabara: How come I have to
pay?
Hiei: My point exactly.
Kuwabara: What do you mean by
that?! (Hiei and Kuwabara disappear behind a cloud of dust while Yusuke and
Kurama sweatdrop)
George: Which came first:
the chicken or the egg?
Botan: The egg, of course!
George: Where did the egg come
from?
Botan: (sweatdrop) Er... from
Koenma-sama? ^^
Kuwabara: (huffs importantly)
The chicken!
George: Where did the chicken
came from?
Kuwabara: (stares blankly)
Um...ah...hmm...grr...(thinks hard)...hmm...(gives up)...argh! Go ask Kurama!
Yusuke: Err...the egg? No,
wait... the chicken... no that can't be... the egg...the chicken...mini-mini-my-ni-mo...
ugk! I don't know! Hey, Keiko! Can you answer this question...
Koenma: I'm not sure. Let me
call Kami-sama. He ought to know because he created it. Well? What are you doing
standing there waiting for my answer, oni? Go get the phone!
George: (sweatdrops) But,
Koenma-sama I'm the host of the show...
Koenma: (head swells and fangs
appeared) GET MY PHONE!!
George: EEEEEEEPPPPP! (runs
off)
Koto shows up now that George
is gone. Koto looks around trying to spot Chuu, seeing him looking starry eyed
at Natsume, she glares.
Koto: Back to our show, the
question was: Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Atsuko: (drunk) The egg.
Koto: Where did the egg came
from?
Atsuko: The fridge, you idiot!
Go away so I can drink in peace! Chuu! Where's that sake you promised me?
::burp::
Koto: Why did the turkey
cross the road?
Hiei: Hn! What do I care?
(disappears)
Yusuke: I don't really care,
just as long as I don't have to *save* it if it gets run over.
Toguro: To attain 100% of its
powers!!!! ("Para makamit ang isandaang porsyento ng kanyang kapangyarihan!!!"
It's funnier in Filipino, ne? ^_^ )
Kuwabara: Wow! Roast Turkey!
Hagiri: ...
Pu: Pu!
Koenma: (in a document stamping
frenzy) NOT NOW! I'm busy!
Botan: Um...because it thought
it was a chicken?
Hagiri: ...
Shura: I'll go ask Dad.
Yomi: It's not like I've ever
*seen* a turkey cross the road...
Raizen: Don't mention that!!!
Can't you see I haven't eaten in 1000 years?!
Mukuro: (deadpan) Because I
ordered it to.
Kaito: If the turkey crosses
the road, which is, let us say, 15 m wide, with a velocity of 0.2 m/s, there is
a 10% chance that it will get hit by an oncoming vehicle,, assuming that it
crosses the road during hours when is light vehicle density. If it crosses the
road during rush hours, blah, blah, yada, yada,
yada...
Hagiri: ...
Shizuru: Well...I sent Kuwabara
to the store across the street to buy some milk...
Kurama: (puzzled at the
stupidity of everyone else) To get to the other side, of course!
Koto: We have received
questions from our readers... err.. viewers. Pokejedservo asked: where do
Babies come from? And from Natalia Katrina Rodriguez: how are babies
made? Who would like to answer first?
Hiei raises his hands,
surprisingly enthusiastic.
Koto (sweatdrop): Yes, Hiei?
Hiei: Kurama says it has
something to do with tadpoles and eggs*. I don't get it. (shrugs) I tried it,
see. I captured a tadpole and placed it inside the chicken's egg but nothing
happened. I waited for 3 days but nothing happened! I decided to help it with a
bit of my ki & it turned into fried egg with tadpole. It tasted pretty good
too, a lot better than Mukuro's cooking, just like the usual fried egg that
Kurama's ningen mother makes. I don't know why it didn't turn into a baby. Maybe
I used the wrong egg and tadpole. Perhaps I should have used a quail egg. The
chicken's egg was too big for the tadpole, it probably drowned. (minna
sweatdrop) Or maybe they have to be married first before the tadpole-egg
combination turns to a baby. But how do I marry an egg and a tadpole? (looks at
the captive audience with big quizzical and purely innocent eyes) Should I marry
the chicken and the frog first before I can use their tadpole and egg to create
a baby? (Hiei waits expectantly for the staring crowd to answer; the silence was
broken by Yukina's delighted claps)
Yukina: Oh! That's how to make
a baby! I once asked Kazuma-kun but he told me he didn't know how. I can get you
quail eggs, Hiei-san! Can you help me catch tadpoles? Then, we can create babies
together!
Kurama, Yusuke, Koenma, Botan:
AH! (falls off their chairs)
Minna facefaults.
Mukuro (grumbles): My heir is
so naive.
Kuwabara's whole body turns
green with envy.
Hiei froze.
Yukina (smiles that oh so
innocent smile that makes Hiei feel guilty): Please, Hiei-san?
Hiei: Alright.
Everyone quickly recovers from
shock after receiving Hiei's Glare of Death (tm).
Yusuke: Kurama told me that
babies are made by injecting the tadpole into the egg.
Hiei: (whispers to Yukina while
Kuwabara eavesdrop) Ah! So, I should have used a syringe! Yukina, write that
down: syringe, quail egg, tadpole.
Yukina: Hai! (writes)
Koto: How can the tadpole be
inserted into the egg, Yusuke?
Yusuke: Eh... (scrathes his
head) I.. uh.. I forgot. Do you remember, Kuwabara?
Kuwabara (still green with pure
envy): Uh... uhh... hehehe no! (glares at Hiei) Maybe the shrimp is right and we
have to use a syringe. But that would hurt. I don't like injections!
Kurama's relieved sigh was cut
off by Yusuke.
Yusuke: Why don't we ask Koenma
how he was made? He happens to be a 700 year old baby!
Koenma smiles nervously.
Yusuke: Well? We're waiting....
Koenma takes a deep breath and
nervous sweat breaks out of Kurama's face. Will Koenma reveal the truth?
Koenma: Babies come from
*toot*. The woman *toot* *toot*. Then the man *tooooot*! Then the baby *toot*.
Yusuke and Kuwabara facefaulted,
surprised.
Rinku: I know that! I'm
youngest and I know that!
Shura: You're not youngest! I'm
youngest! And I'll beat you up if you say otherwise!
Jin: I can't believe you guys
didn't know that!
Touya: Uh-huh. We've known that
for years!
Chuu: Yeah! I was the one who
told Rinku that.
Wakamaru: Even I know and I
don't see him as often as you ningens. (sulks) I think youkais are not included
in his Christmas list.
Suzuki: Wakamaru, surely you've
seen Santa Claus. He was the one who gave you to your mommy and daddy!
Yukina: Who's Santa?
Hiei: Babies come from Santa?
Wakamaru: Yes! Weren't you
listening?
Koenma (hisses to Kurama): Why
did you censor my explanation?!
Kurama: Uh! Sorry! I was
worried you'd--- you know... and I can't let you do that because the rating of
this fic is G. ^^;
Koenma: I still don't
understand why you didn't tell Kuwabara and Yusuke the truth about this topic.
Kurama: I did! It's not my
fault they don't understand metaphors!
Shura: Papa, you told me the
stork gave me to you. How come they say they came from Santa Claus?
Yomi (sweatdrop): Well...
Minna waits patiently for Yomi
to answer.
Yomi: Well...
Mukuro: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!
Yomi (explains hurriedly):
You'redifferentfromthemthat'swhyyoucamefromthestorkandnotfromSanta.
Hiei: Hn! Liar!
Mukuro (annoyed): You're all
wrong! Since I'm oldest, I should know! Babies come from flowers.
Minna hangs on to her every
word, with the exception of Yomi and Shura. Yomi is trying to convince Shura
it's better to have come from the stork than from Santa.
Mukuro: Imagine hundreds or
thousands of bees and one flower. The strongest bee gets the flower and the baby
is made.
Kuwabara and Yusuke starts
whispering to each other.
Kuwabara: I don't get it.
Yusuke: If babies come from
flowers then what's the purpose of a maternity ward in the hospital?
Hiei: That doesn't make sense.
But we'll try it anyway.
Yukina (nods then writes): Hai!
Bees. Flowers.
Mukuro: ARGH! Hiei! Don't you
know your metaphors?
Hiei: Meta-what?
Mukuro: Would you like me to
demonstrate?
Kurama (frowns): I forbid you!
As Hiei's best friend, I forbid you to demonstrate anything to him. He's much
too young.
Koenma: I agree. This fic is
rated G and the author entrust me and Kurama to make sure it remains that way!
Hiei: No. I won't subject
myself to anymore of your demonstrations. Last time you demonstrated cooking to
me, you nearly killed me!
Keiko: Babies come from God.
Hiei: (blinks) God?
Yukina: Who is God?
Keiko: God is the one who
created all things.
Yomi: That's not true. I
created Shura. Not god.
Shura: You created me? But you
said I came from a stork!
Yomi (sweatdrop): I did say
that, didn't I?
Yukina: Does that mean you
created a baby, Yomi-san?
Yomi: (shoots a glance at a
pouting Shura) I suppose you can call it that.
Hiei: How?
Mukuro: Hiei, as your employer,
I forbid you to listen to that blind fool!
Hiei (ignores Mukuro): HOW?
Yomi: (smirks) It's a very
complex process that requires the use of an even more complex machine which is
available only in my technologically advanced city. The key ingredient of course
is a part of me.
Yusuke: Ewww! Does that mean
you have to give up an arm or something to create a baby?
Yomi: No. A vial of blood will
do.
Yukina (writes): Blood of
Yukina and Hiei-san.
Kurama: Wait! What you created
wasn't a baby. It's a clone!
Shura: Clone? Is that where
they put ice cream?
Yusuke: No, kid, that's
"cone".
Shura: Who are you calling
"kid"!
Yusuke: You, kid. Clones are
duplicates of the original. Meaning, you're Yomi's duplicate. If you still don't
get it go watch Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones! Yoda kick ass!
Yoda (Yomi's assistant): Why,
thank you. But I don't remember kicking anyone's ass.
Yusuke: Not you, Yoda! The
other Yoda!
Kuwabara: (laughs) Is Shura a
second-rate, trying hard copycat? (ed: If you're a Filipino and you've watched a
certain movie, you'll probably get this ^^;) HAHAHAHA!!
Shura: I'm gonna beat you up!
Yomi: Shura! Behave!
Hiei: (having just seen Star
Wars episode 2 he knows what clones are and in his mind's eye he could see
Kuwabara clones) Oh no! No clones! One idiot is bad enough! Erase that
ingredient Yukina. We're not creating clones!
Shura: I'm your clone? Does
that mean I don't have a mommy? (turns to Mukuro) Will you be my mommy?
Mukuro: NO!
Yomi: NO!
Shura: Who wants to be my
mommy? (silence) Why doesn't anyone want to be my mommy? (sobs and runs out)
Yomi sighs and runs after
Shura.
Atsuko: Enough of this bloody
nonsense! (looks up from her bottle of sake and burps) I maybe a bit intoxicated
now... this is the first time I met someone who can drink more than I can.
(burp) Excuse me, Chuu, while I explain to this dunderheads how I got that brat.
(burp) I'll tell you how babies are made! I had a baby, remember? I had that
brat Yusuke when I was fourteen!
Minna: HOW?
Atsuko: Well... I don't
remember exactly. It was dark and I was drunk.
Minna facefault.
Yusuke: Figures...
Atsuko: (glares at Yusuke) Shut
up! As I was saying... ah... what was I saying? Oh! Right. I was drunk.. so.. I
don't remember. HAHAHA! (drinks) So, after three months, my father, your crazy
grandfather, kicked me out of the house because I was getting fat. I don't know
why I got fat. I barely eat! Six months after that, I was brought to the
hospital. I look awful. My stomach was so big I looked like a swallowed a whole
watermelon. I woke up the following day and the watermelon was thankfully gone
from my stomach. A nurse came in the room and gave me a baby. I asked her where
did it come from. She looked confused for a moment then she said it came from
the nursery. So. That's where babies come from---the nursery. It's one big,
nasty, baby factory.
Jin: Maybe it's the same
factory that Santa has!
Shura (coming back in the
room): Maybe storks also have a nursery!
Chuu: (burp) Uh-huh.
Hiei: Write that down, Yukina.
Yukina: Hai! Construct
nursery---big, nasty, baby factory. (exclaims) We'll make lots of babies
together, Hiei-san! It's going to be so much fun!
Kuwabara sobs.
Kurama: That sounds so---
Mukuro: Wrong?
Kurama: Sick.
Mukuro: Don't worry. They're so
innocent, it's almost funny. (smiles)
In their corner, Hiei and
Yukina are pooling their money for their baby project.
* read ARaZhi's fic The Engagement to know more about the tadpoles and eggs thing.
Koto: What is sex?
Botan: Lemme look at my Reikai
book. Koenma-sama says everything is in the Reikai book. (opens the book) Oh!
(turns red and shuts the book)
George: Lemme see! (grabs the
book from Botan then opens it, after one glance his eyes pop out) AHHH!
Koenma (in chibi form grabs the
book from George): Give me that! (turns beet red) Who placed this illustration
on this book?
Enma (from the very back of the
auditorium where most of the space is occupied by him): I did. Son, someday,
you'll have to learn about this things.
Koenma: But I already know.
Enma (shocked): You do? Since
when? Who told you? The tanteis? The onis? Oh! You're not practicing this with
the ferry girls are you? That is FORBIDDEN!
Koenma (exasperated): Sex is
gender, Otousama. It's part of the application form for the ferry girls and
tanteis. I've known about it from the moment I could read.
Enma falls off his chair and
the auditorium shakes with the impact.
Koenma: And the illustration
here is all wrong. Look at this picture! It's Kuwabara kissing Yusuke! (shows
the picture to the audience beneath the picture is a caption: It starts with a
kiss...)
After a glance, the audience
turned into several shades of green and red. Toguro Ani, seeing this, begins to
sing Christmas carols in a very loud, very off key voice.
Keiko (pissed off walks toward
Yusuke): You kissed Kuwabara? (slap and Yusuke flies off to Makai). (to Kuwabara)
You kissed my Yusuke? (slap and Kuwabara flies off to Reikai).
Botan: I think I'm gonna be
sick...
Hiei: You think? Now, I'm
really ill... (throws up)
Enma: I thought something was
strange with that picture. I remember Keiko didn't have orange hair...
Hopefully to be continued! Send your comments and suggestion to us and to ARaZhi-sama!