4-1-03
One day at a time,
each leg extended with care
but no footprints are seen.
Years have been since the start,
expectations driving us to be smart.
yet the here and now have no past or future.
the agonizing mental struggle for hope
the instinct to obtain joy;
let an eternity be forgotten.
So here i am beside myself again,
for the rest of the world was easy to push behind the shaddow of my own.
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3-19-03
standing on a line
looking down at this life
trying to make sence of these peices
that dont seem right.
Pushing around these obsticles
but only to stay between them
Scraping my standards off the floor
so i can see myself take a step
somehow anticipating a tragic fate
that seems like a dissapointing nirvana.
trying to stay close to the main road
trying to avoid accidents i start
trying to content the remnace of an idol
as long as i am here in a mind that doesnt want to surrender to the present.
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5-26-03
it was mistaken for fear
fear that i had lost hope.
Then i thoguht my mind was numb
and it was all beacuse of the dope.
showed myself a side covered in hate
so much hate that nothing mattered.
I relize now what happend-
I feared that i had lost hope
and let my mind give up to smoke
and now my efforts to hate myself overpower all.
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1/8/03
Dont worry about my paths to choose
the fate of me is in my own hands
so let your worries for me go
and pull back the trigger of my ciggarete
release me from the bonds that keep me close to hope
and watch my life find its fate.
Spiral downward until i reach my inverted peak
and kick me once more with the foul blow of the joint
lie on my back and look for the stars
not a care to where on this life i lie
i know all my chance only get worse with time
becuase every star that i see isnt brighter than the last
Arise eventually subconciously needing care
but soo i find there is no one there
so here i am beside myself again
the words no one have said tear me apart
ill find my way back to the light soon
but only to fight darkness forever.
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9/17/03
Dreams of things i cannot have
awake, filled with hopelessness
alone, in a hearts desire to live
eyes have shed tears of sorrow
this mind refuses to sob.
Hit the floor harder each time
just to see if this will can rise
so i can escape resesion once more
and rise to one of the jaged points
that this life's line has represented
now I'll fall down this hole
until i reach the top of potential
and hold myself close as i can to it
but as my body turns to stone
this weight become unberable
forever hoping...
hoping to be satified with my stegnth.
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1/1/03
Blistered shock is all i could feel
knowing the surounding apathy is real
couldnt stay awake even with the help of dope
as every passing second killed a little more hope
my mind hates its bitterness to an inebitable end
as i imagined a light that no one would send.
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2/221/02
pot teaches much in life
things about odd people that you meet
things about shit deals that end up at yoru feet
things about denial and relief
shows signs your ok, and plunge into the next bowl
not a care whats in it,
just a bottomless pit of worryless temptation being passed around you as you
watch your sober conciousness slip away
then you go into the relaxed denial where its the loser who speaks up first
stuck here in denial i was when the time came to meet the judge
i was fucked and i didnt know it
i couldnt wipe off the shit eatin grin off my face to literally save my life
and then i died.
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5-26-03
holes dug for love but filled with hate
The only one with the power to see
the enongated conflict between them
to know them both so well
and watch the ambers simmer inside them
see their lives rain gas on the fire between them
and know why
to know there was still love
but her love was mistaken for hate
and now these broken branches between them
have all DrIED.
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10/19/03
No shoulder to cry on
no potenial for greatness
hope for only temperary confort
no place that feels like home anymore
nothing to feel like a kid anymore
just a tombstone with this life's loss written all over it
This lonly mind has no asnwer
and this life has no questions...
insanity is just the realization of truth.
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April 26, 2002
--totally random--
Blistered shock through the darkness of silence,
Followed by an emerger of justifying violence,
Several harsh blows to the exterior of his core,
And now his body lay motionless on the floor.
Bitterness toward myself is all I can feel now,
But not because the enemy has been slaughtered like a cow.
Myself is the only thing left for me to hate,
For I know this man was the love of my mate.
The love of my life had fallen victim to lust,
And I hate to know she is one I can no longer trust.
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somewhere between 9/17 and 10/1/03
How i have learned not to rise
when i need it the most my will fails
its positive assests wont help me
when i forget to breathe.
Ill be dead before i know it
and know exactly how i got there
im smart enough to watch and understand
but too supid to do anything about it
watch these words come out scrambled and confused
not knowing which way to go
and know these peices somehow fit
together
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11/06/03
look past my reflection in the mirror
see past all that glamor and fear
the image of a life written backwards in front of me
never sure what this message should read
clouded from that smoke that arises from the ambers...
a fire that has burned me into this mind
i can hear the flame that follows me...
its heat forever tourching my blind side...
but never, will i run
but never. will i turn around
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11/19/03
ovious lonliness screams from me,
muted for no one else to see
denial that this life may be flawed
my forever anticipated stregnth
that never reaached its potential
seeped through the cracks in the glass
where my hands blood still remains
and now is no more
than a cold puddle of hope on the floor.
So far from warmth
distant from love
years from potential
alone in this life
ill confide in the darkness of silence.
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7- 20something- 03
a drop of blood falls from a wound that represents nothing.
a non fatal blow to an invital limb;
the stoned minds failure of use of a knife.
just another error on the list for the night
a list that retorically asks "how many things can you fuck up before
you consider yourself a failure?"
nothing represents your life more than watching it flow from you...
that is why it means everything.
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1-27-04
Sitting here alone,
gazing at sights all too familar.
Knowing what the next day will offer,
and knowing the day after to be the same.
Feeling the sadness of reality,
like the blood in my viens.
I am constantly reminded of this vacantcy next to me,
where happiness once sat.
In this life that others are not seen to appreciate,
I find myself content with my own appreciation for it.
but not to accept this would lead to my own destruction.
Lonliness is a hard taste to aquire.
I must find all the stregnth I need in myself,
for others will fail when I need it most.
It does not matter who created this world of lost minds,
for I am lost alone.
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3-17-04
I can feel the rain
as it runs down my arm
and drips from my finger tips.
my jaw remains dropped,
but my lips sealed.
the world becomes a dream
although I dont expect to awaken
these paralized thoughts
burn into my mind.
time passes
the air thins
clouds retreat
silence joins the cold
I hold my breathe
to forget that i cant breathe
not to say a word,
for I only get one.
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5/4/04
I can hear my soul screaming,
as though it was being pulled from me.
but only for it to awaken,
to view this harsh reality that i now see.
fear of the pain from events not to be known;
drown out the smile before it can show.
restrict this red side from turning outward,
and obsorb the hate that the dark wind blows.
lie awake in the eye of the hurricane,
waiting for the begining so i can anticipate the end.
pray to the maker for the stregnth to move,
so i can dodge the arrow that this life will send.
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In the depth of a shroom trip I ounce thought how comforting it would be to
sit down and cry for a few days. Just that supreme feeling of letting go
of all hope so there would be no potential left for me to lose.
just a thought though, just a thought....
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8-1-04
Scream it, so that the furthest depths of my mind can hear,
throw this hope down the well where i have liad crying for years.
Allow myself for one second to think i might get out
and find myself on the surface.
I wont find me though, I wouldnt even know what to look for.
Have i forgotten everything i once believed?
Did i ever beleive it at all?
To go back and follow myself in the shaddow
just to remmeber who brought me here,
to see what planted the seeds that grow in my dreams.
and as I lie there trying to forget today,
i think of those days I wished to forget.
I look down that well and see myself still the same;
Drowning in the tears that I never shed.
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7 11 04
This life has led me to so many things. so much loss.
when I look back at the memory all I can think is
that was me, that was fucking real.
these things have never left me
there is just too much that time cannot heal
I have to live with these things in my mind
until I forget them. But what about the things
that I cannon justify abandoning the thoughts of?
I know its all gone,I want to forget. But i cant.
For years I will dwell
on these things i refuse to part with.
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every day i fight the same war
a war i fight with my own life
a war where right overlaps wrong
and everyday i wish the war would end
but i know it wont. it cant.
lie awake every night begging to fall asleep
before any more hopelessness consumes me
awake every morning, jumping out of bed
before my will fades
wake up alone,walk alone,eat alone,play guitar alone
go to bed... alone. everyday,
same thing, for weeks, months, maybe years.
cant remmeber when I didnt feel this way
no incredibly bad happening like before though
no divorces, , blow,
just the same old drugs, cigs, and this wall in front of me
This isnt bad though, just depressing.
everything that doesnt kill me makes me stronger?
maybe....
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I wish the sun would rise in the afternoon
maybe then it wouldnt seem soo soon
its that woman all cluttered up in my arms
se must have nothing beter left to do
and i wish that i could give it all alway
so someone, that could so easliy say
that its just a sunrise in the afternoon
what are you smoking that made it come so soon
its 5 am and i still couldnt sleep
ill smoke these cigatetes and ignore the tv
i figured out a long time ago
i figured out she wasnt going to show
the choice was hers that i will never forget
and now shes found some one better left to do
and i wish that i could give it all away
to someone, that could so easily say
that it was me all along that wanted it this way
but how could i want this?
and how could you love this?
how could anyone want it to be invain
but how could you want this?
and how could you love this?
how did the sunrise through all that pain
original take 420 song- "wish it all away"
written in march 05'