The Berenstain Bears in……… "Comrades U.S.A."

8/13/05

The Berenstain Bears in............ " Comrades U.S.A. "

Sister is in the living room, petting the family dog.

Sister: "Mama! Don't you just love our cute dog Rutler? And isn't it cute the way he barks all night long and growls at everyone and chews on everything??!"

Mama: "Suuurrrrrrrrre."

**Brother enters room, dancing to the music coming from his headphones on his iPud**

Brother: **singing** "duhhhhhhh dunnnhhh, daaaaaaaah!" Loud music rules! Stealing music kicks ass! Fuck yeah!"

Mama: "Brother, what in the world are you doing?"

Brother: "It's called "Rockin' in the free world," man. You Pinko's don't understand!"

**Mama leaves room grunting** Mama: "the cursed Western culture will be the death of us all."

Later on that day.

Brother: **all excited** "Hey Papa, look at this huge-ass fish tank my friend Richard gave me! And it's got like 25 fish in them! And it's gonna cost so much money to take care of them!"

Papa: **pissed** "That's....great.... Brother. 25 more mouths to feed."

Brother: "Anyways, I'm too busy to bother paying attention to them right now. So if you could clean out the tank, put some new rocks & plants in there along with a bigger and more expensive filter, that'd be great. Anyways, I'm off to run in Farmer Bob's field and step on all the plants & chuck the vegetables! Bye!" **runs out the door**

Papa: "Hmmph."

10 Days later.

Sister: "Look, Mama! Susie's cat had kittens and she gave us THREE of them! Wheee! I'm so happy!"

Mama: **grunnnnnnt**

3 days later

Brother: "Hey Papa! Check out this neat Lawn Dart set! I can't believe they banned these things in 1987!"

Papa: **smugly** "I'm sure they had a pretty good reason to. haha."

Brother: "awwwwe, they're just a bunch of stupid crybaby pansy assholes. One stupid Papa Bear pokes & punctures a testicle from playing it and ruins it for everyone! Haha!" **goes off to play lawn darts**

Papa: **grunts** "That insolent kid of mine."

2 weeks later

The Berenstain Bears gather at the breakfast table.

Brother: "Hey, anybody seen my iPod? I can't seem to find it nor function without it anymore."

Mama: **rolls eyes** "Gee, and you only listen to it 18 hours a day!"

Papa: "well, Brother...."

**cuts to flashback sequence of Papa in the garage crushing Brother's iPud in the vice**

**cuts back to present**

Papa: "....That's very forgetful and irresponsible of you, Brother."

**Sister walks into the kitchen**

Sister: "Hey, anybody seen where my 3 kittens went?"

Mama: "Oh, yeaaah.... they....all died one day."

Sister: "What?! Nooooooooo!"

Mama: "Yeah, I was baking some cookies and they, um..... ran into the oven."

Sister: "AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!"

Mama: "Cookie-lust killed your kittens, Sister Bear."

Brother: "Yeah, and I haven't seen Rutler around for a while, either."

Papa: "He....um....uh...**thinks** He ran away."

Brother: "Oh come on!! For christ's sake! What's wrong with our pets?? Alright, let's head off to school, Sis."

**Brother and Sister Bear head off to school**

Mama: "Heh."

2 days later

Dinnertime at the Berenstain Bear house.

Mama: **standing outside front door** "Brotherrrrrrrrr! Sisterrrrrrrrrr! Time for dinnerrrrrr!"

Sister: "Coming, Mama!" **Brother & Sister come running into the house**

Sister: "What are we having for dinner?"

Mama: "A can of lima beans and a can of baked beans!"

Sister: **whines** "Ohhhhhhh that sounds like shit, Mama!"

Mama: "Watch your language, Sister!"

**Brother walks in the den**

Brother: "Boy, this room sure looks different.... tho I can't seem to remember why..... wasn't there a fish tank or something on that table?"

Papa in the bathroom: **flush!** "Bring on the beans orgy!"

Sister: "I'm not eating this crap!"

Mama: "Sister!!!"

The next morning

**Brother enters the breakfast table**

Brother: "Hey! Where'd my Ronald Reagan di-o-rama go??"

**Mama & Papa stutter.**

Mama: "Alright! I admit it!! I destroyed it!!"

Brother: "God damn you, Mama! That was for my Social Studies class!"

Mama: "I don't care!!! I can't stand that man! He ruined Communism for us!!"

Brother: "What the fuck is going on, here??!"

Sister: "It seems like everything we have that brings joy to us or makes noise seems to have mysteriously disappeared!"

Papa: "Your mother and I decided that you're having too much fun. Also we wanted to teach you some lessons, for reasons forgotten already. And we thought you owned way too many possessions & believe you needed to simplify your lives. That's why we got rid of your stuff."

Brother: **now screaming** "I can't believe what the fuck is going on here! AHHHHHHHH!" **throws a plate into the wall & it smashes into pieces** **Brother runs out of the room**

Mama: "He'll get used to this eventually. We'll break his spirit."

Sister: "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! There's some fur in my Beef Stroganoff!!!"

Mama: "oh for Marx sake! It's just a piece of lint."

Sister: "Why are we even eating Beef Stroganoff and boiled potatoes for breakfast??"

Mama: **chugs some morning Vodka** "Just be quiet and eat your cabbage & vareniky and you'll get to have some syrniki before you go to school."

END