| The Berenstain Bears in.... "Family Fun Trip" By Dolph Rudager The Berenstain Bears are gathered in the kitchen. Papa: "Hey kids! It's time for our family fun trip!" Sister: "Oh boy! Where are we going??" Brother: "Hey! Let's go to Bear Gardens! They have all kinds of rides, fattening processed chemically engineered junk food and loud music!!!" Mama: "um, that doesn't sound very pleasant." Papa: "We're going to the National Forest Park!" Mama: "It's going to be oh, so much fun! Sister: (dejected) "Oh....great..." Brother: (whispers) "god damn it!" Papa: "Brother Bear! Watch your mouth! You know we don't allow references to Christian Overlords in our comrade house of Stalin coalition!!" Brother: (rolls eyes) "FINE." The Berenstain Bears hop into the car and head towards their destination. Sister: "Are we there yet?" Mama: "No, Sister Bear, it's going to be quite a while." Brother: (whispers) "god damn it!" Papa: "Brother!" Mama: oh, we just passed the Burger Bear joint! Oh kids, Remember how much better meat used to taste 20 years ago?" Brother: (annoyed) "um... no." Mama: "well I do! It was so much better back then! I just plain don't understand why meat just doesn't taste as good as it used to. You just don't know what these shittin' stores and meat markets are doing anymore with meat. It's just impossible to find a decent piece of meat these days and..." Brother: "ENOUGH!!" Sister: "Nobody cares, Mama!!!" Mama: "oh what-EVER!" (shrugs and looks out the window). Time passes and Brother & Sister Bear are bored. Brother: (begins singing) "Yankee Doodle dandy, Papa drank all the brandy!" Sister: (singing) "Oh Jose can you see, thy Mama's endless nagging on thee." Papa: "...Will you kids SHUT UP!" Mama: "Making up riddles won't get us there any faster. You'll just have sit there quietly and obediently." Papa: (to self) "oh, why oh why did I eat all those green olives dipped in sour cream with those 11 cans of Bear-beer for lunch! *ooooooooh!* " Mama: "my husband..... 'Mr Universe' " Papa: "oh cripes I'm gonna throw up!" **Papa quickly opens the car window and throws up out the window; with some vomit splattering all over the side of the car** Brother: "oh fucking GROSS!!" Sister: "ewwww my male role model!!" Papa: (hurling) "bleeeeeeeeech!" **cough** **gag** Mama: "Couldn't you at least stop the frickin' CAR when you do that??" Papa: (wipes mouth) "Ooof! I think that's all of it! And guess what, gang. We're HERE!" Brother: (whispers to self) "Thank fucking GOD!" Papa: (angry) "Bro-THERRRRRRR!!!" Mama: "Okay! We're going to spend the next 4 hours hiking though the forest and looking at trees and rocks!" Brother & Sister: "mooooaaannnn!" **4 very long hours later** Papa: "Isn't this FUN, kids??" Brother & Sister: "No." Mama: "Oh look what's behind these bushes! It's the river & waterfall! Isn't it pretty?" Brother: (now excited) "Can we go swimming?? But we didn't bring our swimsuits.(frowning)" Mama: "Well! (reaches into purse) I have them right her.." Sister: (shouting) "Last one in is a soulless Communist heathen!!!" Brother: "Yeeeeeee haaaaw!" **Brother & Sister jump into the water** Papa: (screaming) "What the HELL are you doing?! You have your clothes on!" Mama: "Stop it, stop it!! You're ruining your bear-clothes!!" Sister: "Why do we even need clothes, anyway?? We're freakin' bears!" Papa: (points shaking finger at Sister) "Don't fucking fuck with ME, buddy!" Mama: "Papa! Language!" Brother: (happily swimming) "Oh the water is so slimy and polluted. It's great!" Sister: "Haha! I found a empty bottle that's the brand of Papa's Bear-beer!" Papa: "Oh you little smartass kids made me so damn mad! Grrr! GRRR! ROAR!!" (pounds chest; proceeds over to a tree and punches it with fist) Papa: "Owwwwwwww!" (winces at the pain) Mama: (concerned) "Oh dear! It looks like Papa broke his paw!" Brother and Sister: "Hahahahaha!" Mama: (pissed) "That's it! Fun time is over! Get in the car!" The Berenstain Bears climb into the car & head home. Mama: "P.U.! You kids smell like seaweed! You've ruined ANOTHER family outing with your ruthless behavior." Brother: "oh it wasn't OUR stupid idea! We wanted to go to Bear Gardens!" Papa: "oooooh I think I'm gonna throw up again!" Mama & Brother & Sister: "Noooooooooo!" Papa: **puuuuuuuuuuuuuuke!** END 01/29/05 |