| A man who loves playing the game of baseball
By D. Rudager ASSOCIATED PRESS When he was a small child in the process of being evaluated for public school, he refused to jump, skip or crawl. It's not that he couldn't, he just didn't want to. He thought it was none of their business & a waste of his time. A few years later, he had dreams of murdering his mother, but he just didn't have the brain capacity, but did have the resources. In the 3rd grade, he developed a hankering for throwing pencils in the classroom, pissing off an asshole of a teacher, and boycotting American History, which that year was dedicated to Native Indians history, or "Toke 'em People", as he called them. Then in Middle School, he grew an affinity to torturing & shooting animals. But then in high school, he became a born-again Christian, but quickly reverted back to the knife carrying den of Satan. Not to mention he broke every single High School baseball record in the nation, largely thanks to his rampant & relentless steroid use. Make no amends about it, Tate Durant loves playing baseball. "I make so much money, I could buy 20 lifetimes worth of drugs." It's quite rare that an active Major League Baseball player would actually admit his recreational drug use, but he states, "I could paint houses with baby's blood while shooting up heroin, and there isn't a fuckin' thing MLB can do about it, 'cause of the Union. Haha, they help keep fucktards like myself employed!" Tate Durant was seen eating Cheese Nips in the dugout in a game against the Giants and was sipping which appeared to be Guinness beer. "These Cheese Nips are making me thirsty!" he exclaimed. While it's unusual that Tate eats cheese crackers during a game, it's the little things that make Tate so very-unusual. He arrives to the ball park on a motorcycle with badly bald tires, no helmet or anything. He'll routinely catch fly balls, and if nobody is on base, then makes errant throws to the infield only for them to sail into the crowd. He has a long music playlist for when he approaches the batter's box, and almost all of the songs have drug or sex references in them. He'll intentionally swing so hard he'll let go of the bat. One time it landed in the upper deck. Or if its too hot or wet out, he'll throw a temper tantrum just to get ejected out of the game. Sometimes he'll have a wad of something in his mouth, and sometimes it's marijuana. But don't tell umpire Angel Hernandez that! Tate states, "the secret to beating the drug tests, is to keep using the newest designer steroids, and to get that stuff that masks all the shit in your system." One time, Tate Durant took some tape, put a long piece horizontally all across his chest on his uniform, and two pieces horizontally right below each knee, and wrote with a black sharpie, "SEE UMPIRE? GET A CLUE. THIS IS THE STRIKE ZONE" over and over on the tape. He was ejected because Tate kept taunting the umpire even tho the umpire continued to warn him. Tate: "Sometimes inbetween batters, I'll grab a fan's beer and chug it or chuck it, or if I see some nice lady, I'll make sexually lewd comments." And what if it's a long inning or if you're already ejected? "Well I'll go into the crowd, grab some nice lady, and take her to the clubhouse, and I'll get to work on her, and spill my love juice all over her. Then if I have time, I'll go into the crowd and go downtown on all the ladies, you see what I'm saying?" Um....okay. Besides the fact of this lewd behavior and Tate Durant admittedly confessing that even he doesn't know what he's on half the time, he was recently involved in a very heated & ugly brawl with opposing pitcher Carlos Zambrano, who Zambrano was having another hissy fit after leftfielder Matt Murton dropped yet another fly ball in left. Zambrano's pitches were all way outside, and Tate took it upon himself to mock Zambrano & his lack of composure, which led to confrontation. Zambrano baited, Tate charged the mound, only he didn't let go of the bat, and proceeded to smash the bat into Zambrano's face, elbows & knees. "That was a fun day," Tate Durant recalls. "I spent the rest of the summer walking in the mean streets of Germany. Best vacation ever." Make no mistake about it, Tate Durant loves to chuck things. Like every time the team visits Wrigley Field, he'll chuck a caught fly ball over the bleachers, with the intention of hitting a windshield or passing fan. "Haha, one time in Philly, I threw the ball towards our dugout, and it skipped on the roof and it ricocheted and hit an old lady right in the face. And I like to break the bulbs in the scoreboards, too." But what about the constant fines? "Haha, give me a break! You think $500 means that much to me?? I told you, I make so much money it's absurd. I could pay to feed all the 3rd World starving countries, but I'm not going to." Although management & Bud Selig scorn his behavior, but Tate doesn't care 'cause all he needs to do is say the word "Union". "It's like a free 'get out of jail card'," Tate Durant proudly touts. The man loves the game of baseball & it shows. |