Crazy Dad pilot script

9/27/05

Crazy Dad sitcom pilot script

Wife runs into the kitchen.

wife: "Honey, I'm going to need you to take out the trash, clean the gutters, mow the lawn, pull the weeds, trim the hedges and walk the dog because I have to meet the gals at the all-day spa."

crazy dad: **throws up in mouth & chokes for a bit** "oh, alright."

**daughter walks into the kitchen** "Hi, daddy!" **gives smooch on crazy dad's cheek**

crazy dad: "how's my little Princess this morning?"

daughter: "Daddy, can I have the keys to the car?"

crazy dad: "Sure, kitten!" **hands her the keys**

daughter: "Love you!" **runs out of kitchen & house**

teenage son: "well, I'm off to Tommy's. Bye." **gets up from chair**

crazy dad: **grabs son by collar** "Where in the hell do you think you're going, shithead! Sit your ass back down!"

son: "ow!"

crazy dad: "You got chores to do! Lots of them! You can start with trimming the hedges and mowing the lawn!"

son: "Oh come on! Didn't mom tell you do to THOSE chores?!"

crazy dad: **kicks son's chair so he falls out** "Get to work! Get out of my sight!"

Later that day, crazy dad is sitting in his lazy chair in the den and son & daughter enter the den.

daughter: "Daddy, the gas tank is getting a bit low and I think the right rear tire needs some air. Plus I need a few bucks for shopping."

crazy dad: "Why of course, honey! I'll get started on that right now!" **gets up** "You can use my credit card too, sweetness!" **hand her the card**

daughter: "Thanks, daddy!"

son: "dad, can I please have a few bucks to rent a movie?"

crazy dad: "NO!"

son: "why not??"

crazy dad: "Because I said so! Don't you DARE question my authority!"

son: "man!"

Cut to later scene of crazy dad and wife walking down sidewalk side-by-side; arms locked

young guy: **catcalls** "Ow, baby! What's a hot piece of ass doing with a spaz like him?!"

wife: "Oh why THANK YOU!" **bats eyes**

another guy walks by: "holy fucking SHIT, you are one fucking hot bitch!"

wife: **laughs** "Haha, I love you too!" **shakes ass**

wife: **to husband** "I never get tired of hearing that!"

crazy dad: "I'm gettin' a lttle sick of that."

wife: "Oh honey, c'mon!" **makes waving-it-off hand gesture a few times**

crazy dad: "grrrrrrrr. Hey, let's go see that new flick with the dude in it."

wife: "Oh honey you stupid idiot! **slaps arm** That's not coming out until next weekend! Haha, I swear if it weren't for your neck your head would be stuck in your ass, you moron! Haha!"

crazy dad: "Oh yeah, that"s right."

Cut to later scene of crazy dad and son spending some quality time together playing football in the backyard.

crazy dad: **drops back to pass** "Alright, son! Go 8 yards and cut a short slant in!" **waits & throws football**

son: **barely runs out to the short slant route & drops the ball**

crazy dad: "Oh Jesus!!" **puts hands on face and violently winches & pleads** "That pass couldn't had been more perfect!"

son: **dogs it on the field**

crazy dad: "Alright, that's it, you're gonna run some laps! 50 of them!"

son: **starts jogging**

crazy dad: "Run! Run faster, god damn it! Run!!!" **grabs a crabapple from a tree and chucks it at son and nails him in the back**

son: **panting & stops** "stop riding my ass so hard, you old sonavabitch!"

crazy dad: **runs up to son & kicks his ass with foot** "I didn't say "stop"! Run 300 more laps, shithead!"

son: **starts running and panting again** "oh shit!"

crazy dad: "Watch your fucking mouth, you stupid kid!"

wife: **shouts from window** "Honey, where'd you put the cable bill?"

crazy dad: "I put it on your desk, dear."

wife: "well I don't see it, you fat idiot! And if I don't see it, then the thing is not there, now, is it? And clean up your mess in the kitchen! And I need you to go to the store and pick up some mushrooms, milk, lemons, sour cream, some dill spice and some tampons!"

crazy dad: "I'll get right on that, dear."

wife: "oh, and my mother is coming to visit us for the next 8 weeks while they fumigate the mold from her house, so go to the Bullseye and pick up some cheap dress shirts and slacks!"

crazy dad: "alright, no problem."

The Aftermath: So yeah, I sent this script into ABC & CBS, and they both wrote back and responded, "Yeah this show should be called "Every Single Family Sitcom That Ever Existed On Television". But of course they both purchased the pilot so now there's that dilemma.