By Dolf Rudager - September 14, 2003
Yeah, I was a shithead. As I stare at my steroid shrunken testicles, where did it all go so wrong? Maybe it was my old man who was constantly yelling at me. The old man who broke his ankle in his high school senior football season. Most 10 years olds don't get their own 1,000 pound weightlifting set for their birthday. My dad was a special kind of asshole. "2nd place is the first loser! Winning isn't everything..it's the only thing!" "You want to end up at Notre Dame?? Keep lifting!" "You lose, you're out of the family!"
Maybe it was the yelling. Or my rage. Oh yeah, it was the steroids.
I "graduated" from the University of Illinois in 1992.. with a 3.75 GPA.. hey man, it's only cheating if you get caught. I played Defensive End for the Fighting Illini. I was decent enough to get drafted by the Chicago Bears in the 6th round of the draft in April of '92. I went on radio talk shows and blabbed to every media outlet I could find to say I wanted to play for my beloved Bears, and said I'd refuse to sign with any other team.
Oh yeah, I was a real football player.... 6 ' 5 "....250 pounds.. not these stupid 300 pound fat asses you see dragging their colons drenched of McDonalds asses on the ground these days in the NFL. Of course, I had the edge.. I was on steroids. Had been since jr. high... I knew my way around the test.
I had played in the NFL for a few years, averaged 6 sacks a season, nothing special. Then suddenly there was this pill-popping asshole named Brett Favre suddenly taking over the NFL. And the fact that he played for the Green Bay Packers just made me more mad.
Week 2 I broke both the Pittsburgh Steelers starting and backup QB's fibula. The media took offense to this for some reason, asking "why and how" this could have happened. I stated,
"Give Peace a chance."
In 1995, Favre was on pace to break several passing records. We suited up in Green Bay week 6. Favre threw for a 3rd TD in the 2nd quarter.... he and all the fans in Green Bay were cheering. As I walked towards the Bear's sideline, I made a quick U-turn and snuck up on Favre from behind, and I kicked him as hard as I could square up the anus. He jumped like a kangaroo then fell to the ground. Then I proceeded to go after the fucker who caught the TD pass but a bunch of Packers started crowding around me. There was a lot of yelling going on at me, so I started punching necks. Eventually my teammates dragged me away as I was nailed with a personal foul penalty.
I wasn't done yet. The rest of the game, I made a few head-to-head collusions to Favre which the refs somehow wonderfully missed. We may have lost the game, but we won the battle. Unfortunately my efforts to intentionally harm Favre did not work. My actions made all the highlight reels on tv, and words like "Classless act" "messed up" "unsportsman-like" were thrown around. We played the Packers in Chicago week 12. I couldn't wait.
Week 9, Tyrone Jackson, our star running back, during a rain-soaked game in Tampa, was bitching on the sidelines after he got tackled to the ground, "shit man my's uniform is all wet now! Dy-amn!"
I snarled at him and barked, "You call yourself a man??" and I promptly threw him into a big ass water puddle. The Offensive Coordinator ran to me and said, "You can't be doing that, Rud."
"Fuck you." I retorted. He walked away and shook his head. He was on a fucking power-trip.
Week 12 rolled around and it was game time. In the 1st quarter, I picked up Favre and body slammed him a few times. Then after completing 7 of his first 11 passes, I had enough. On 2nd down and 3, before the ball was snapped I busted thru the line and ran over to Favre and broke his right arm over my leg and pumped my fists up into the air to celebrate while the refs' whistles were blaring. I was slapped with 2 personal foul penalties and was ejected.
I was fined $350,000, the largest ever of course and was suspended for two games. The media was asking me questions about missing the Dallas and Miami games. I replied, "Dallas is full of drug addicts and prostitutes, and half of them are on the Cowboys. And Miami.. I'm not playing in that humidity, dumbass."
I was liftin' and steriodin' more than ever, then I inexplicitly failed a drug test. I of course was suspended indefinitely, and I issued a statement to the NFL.
"Fuck you. That is all."
I was banned for life. I spent the remainder of my money going to bars and trashing them. For fun I donated my sperm to various fertilization clinics all over Wisconsin to spread my evil seed & I mailed dog and human feces to random Packers fans in Wisconsin. I eventually got arrested in a bar in Detroit after shoving a cue stick up someone's ass. And that brings us to the present.
How the mighty have fallen.
END
This fictional story is the result of a Bears game not being on Sunday at noon.
