odd Eight Is Enough episode

I was watching an old episode of "Eight Is Enough" from the late 1970s. Something just didn't seem quite right about it.

Dad Dick Van Patten running throughout the house, randomly bumping into family members.

Dick Van Patten: "Remember, Nicholas, the most important thing to remember, is that once you smoke that dope, it's GONE forever!"

Adam Rich: "Thanks, dad!"

Dick Van Patten: **bumps into Tommy**

Tommy / Son # 2: "Hey dad! Have you seen the green & side wood paneling station wagon? I need to get some new guitar strings for my Christian Cocaine English Boots Revival band!"

Dick Van Patten: "Tommy, I don't know what an English..**stutters confusingly** Christian Cocaine Boot is! I gotta go do something!!"

Dick Van Patten: **walks away & then stops** "Wait a minute! I forgot what I was doing!"

**extremely loud and unnecessary excess use of ambient noise coming from the kids in the background**

Dick Van Patten: **bumps into wife** "Why the HELL do we have 8 kids??? Abby, how old is David?"

Abby: "27."

Dick Van Patten: "And how old am I??"

Abby: "40."

Dick Van Patten: "How the hell did that happen???"

**walks into the den where 6 teens are sitting & socializing**

Dick Van Patten: "What are you kids doing home on a school day?!!"

Daughter # 3: "We're suspended from school."

Daughter # 5: "We're Bradfords, that's what we do."

Daughter # 7: "We do stupid shit but aren't cool or savvy enough to get away with it, since we're a bunch of nerdy dorks."

Adam Rich / Son # 3: "You guys are lame!"

Daughter # 4: "What are YOU doing home on a work day???"

Dick Van Patten: "I don't KNOW!!"

Daughter # 3: "I need money for a new record player."

Dick Van Patten: "Not NOW! It's time for our bread & pickle sandwich for dinner. Wait a minute, what was I supposed to be doing?? I'm so confused! Nicholas, what grade are you in? The 2nd? The 3rd?"

Adam Rich / Son # 3 / Nicholas: "9th."

Dick Van Patten: **pleads** "Why the HELL did we have all these damn kids??? Why didn't I get a vasectomy??" **bumps into wife**

Abby: "You had one 15 years ago."

Dick Van Patten: "What??!"

**doorbell rings** Dick opens the door.

Policeman: "Excuse me Sir, are you Mr. Johnson?"

Dick Van Patten: **shrugs arms** "oh I don't know!!"

Policeman: "what?"

Dick Van Patten: "Hey! I'll give you a bread & pickle sandwich if you would turn on that firearm at my head."

Policeman: "what the hell? Sir, you're going to have to start making more sense."

Dick Van Patten: "Please, I don't have time for this!" **slams the door**

Daughter # 5: "Dadddddddd Nancy's running around with razor-sharp scissors again!"

Dick Van Patten:**shouts** "Nancy, how old are you??!"

Nancy: **shouts from other room** "26!"

Dick Van Patten: "You should know better!!!"

Nancy: **shouts from other room** "Hey can I cut your hair??"

Dick Van Patten: "NO! I am VERY busy! I have some things to do!"

Adam Rich / Son # 3 / Nicholas: "Hey, where'd my dope go??"

Dick Van Patten: "Nicholas, I...." **bumps into wife** "Abby, what are YOU doing home on a teaching day??"

Abby: "I don't like teaching at that high school. There's too many boys with knives walking around & threatening me."

Dick Van Patten: "Well I'm sorry, but I just don't have time for that right now! I have to get going to some place!" **finally walks out front door & towards the driveway**

Dick Van Patten: "oh where the HELL is my car?!?!" **violently shrugs & flails arms**

**fade out to commercial**