�Uncle Mark comes for another visit�
-Scene I-
front doorbell rings **ding dong**
Ruthie: �who is it?�
Uncle Mark: �It�s Uncle Mark!�
Ruthie: �nooooooooooooooo!� **runs away screaming**
**Mrs. Camden opens the front door**
Mrs. Camden: �Hello Uncle Mark.�
Uncle Mark: �what�s up, butterball?�
Mrs. Camden: "I see you're out on parole again"
Uncle Mark: "yeah you gotta love the Democrats" **lights up a cig** **blows smoke in Mrs. Camden's face**
Mrs Camden: "please don't blow your cancer at me"
Uncle Mark: "fuck i better start smoking it up while i still can. this god damn state wants to ban smoking everywhere for christ's sake!"
Mrs. Camden: "please don't use the Lord's name in vain, Uncle Mark"
Uncle Mark: �CENSORSHIP!! FASCIST!!! MY 1st AMENDMENT RIGHTS ARE BEING RELINQUISHED!!!!
**Rev. Camden walks down the stairs.**
Rev. Camden: �What�s with all the noise down here? It must be�. Oh� Hello Uncle Mark�
Uncle Mark: **blows his cig smoke in the direction of Rev Camden to acknowledge his presence**
Mrs. Camden: �Yes the good Lord has blessed us yet again with another visit from Uncle Mark.� **Mrs. Camden is nervously twitching**
Rev. Camden: �Yes, I see.� **raises right eyebrow**
**Uncle Mark looks at Simon**
Uncle Mark: �What�s with the earring, sailor boy?�
Simon: �it�s my image. I look cool.�
Uncle Mark: �You look like a faggot.�
Rev. Camden: �Don�t call my son a homosexual.�
Uncle Mark: �it looks gay, trendy and French. It�s absolutely clich� and horrible.�
Simon: �It�s cool. I�m a man!� **acts all serious**
Uncle Mark: �It�s repugnant, hideous, daft and impede.�
Simon: �Huh????�
Uncle Mark: �FAGGOTITY!!!�
**Simon walks out of the room**
Rev. Camden: �Look Uncle Mark, we�re all entitled to our own opinions.�
Uncle Mark: �God damn straight.�
**Rev. Camden twitches at Uncle Mark�s language**
Rev. Camden: �I just think you should just�.ease up on the commentary of his appearance� it can�t be good for his self-esteem.�
Uncle Mark: �Self-esteem?? Fucking self-esteem?? Who the FUCK ever heard of self-esteem?! The only thing that Sailor Boy needs is a good swift kick in the ass!�
Rev. Camden: �We�re happy with him�sorta.� **looks unsure and sighs**
Uncle Mark: �Maybe you shouldn�t have smoked all that pot in bedroom during intercourse.�
Rev. Camden: �Um, uh�uh��
Uncle Mark: �Ha!� **lights another cigarette** �I�m going out for some beer. Be back�.whenever� **slams door**
**Rev Camden and Mrs. Camden look at each other**
Rev Camden: �I don�t know why we continue to let him into our house�
Mrs. Camden: �It�s the moral and religious thing to do�even if he is my sister�s 3rd ex-husband�s child from his 2nd ex-wife�. He�s still family..and that is what�s important.�
Rev Camden: � siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh �
***cut to commercial*** fade out fade in
-Scene II-
** Uncle Mark comes in the back door and walks into the kitchen. Has a 12 pack of beer in hand. Mrs. Camden stares at him. Uncle Mark opens the case of beer and pops one open**
Mrs. Camden: �Um Uncle Mark, isn�t it a little early to be drinking? It�s only 2:30 in the afternoon�
**Uncle Mark chugs a beer and belches loudly** �oh la dee DAH, I forgot I was standing in the presence of her Royal Majesty! Here�s your crownnnnnnn your Majesty!!!�
Mrs. Camden: �Ugh.�
Uncle Mark: �hey butterball,� **looks at Mrs. Camden** �what�s the deal with Ruthie? Why does she um�look�um��
Mrs. Camden: �What, Uncle Mark, like WHAT?� **becomes nervous and starts twitching**
Uncle Mark: �She looks black.�
Mrs. Camden: �Oh yeah..um..yeah.� **still twitching**
Uncle Mark: �What�s the deal with that?�
Mrs. Camden: �What I do in my�um�personal life is none of your business!� **shakes**
Uncle Mark: �You mean da� Rev never brought this up?�
Mrs. Camden: �No!�
Uncle Mark: � hmm� �blood test� �
**Mrs. Camden�s face turns red**
Uncle Mark: �I think I�ll be taking my beer up to my room.� **flings right hand in the air** �Tah!�
**Uncle Mark walks upstairs�Ruthie soon follows him. Uncle Mark walks into his room and closes the door. Uncle Mark sits down on the bed and chugs 4 beers. Ruthie is listening thru the door.**
Uncle Mark: �Hmmmmm.� **puts down the beer and walks over to the door. Uncle Mark quickly opens the door (swings in) Ruthie falls into the room a little bit, then Uncle Mark quickly slams the door back closed, thus Ruthie�s head hitting the door.**
Ruthie: �Owwww!�
**Uncle Mark opens the door quickly again, then pushes Ruthie into his room and slams the door**
Uncle Mark: �What do you think you were doing?�
Ruthie: �I was just walking down the hallway.�
Uncle Mark: � haha you intrusive little SHIT!! You were at the door listening!�
Ruthie: �If there�s stuff in the air, my ears just happen to hear it.� **acts all innocently**
Uncle Mark: �Have you ever heard of something called �Privacy�? You know, where you shouldn�t stick your fucking nose where it doesn�t belong.�
Ruthie: �My mom says you shouldn�t talk swear words.�
Uncle Mark: �Your mom is a fucking idiot.�
Ruthie: �That�s not nice.�
Uncle Mark: �oh shut up.�
Ruthie: **shrugs**
Uncle Mark: �You know, if you don�t keep your little snot nose shit out of my business���
**Ruthie interrupts** Ruthie: �Or what?�
Uncle Mark: �Or something will accidentally get,�.�
**picks up Ruthie�s cell phone and crushes it with his right hand**
Uncle Mark: � ��..BROKEN!� **snarls**
Ruthie: **runs out of the room**
Uncle Mark: �Ha ha ha haa! Aaaah-HA HA HA HA HA!� **chugs another beer**
***cut to commercial*** fade out fade in
-Scene III-
**Uncle Mark goes thru his dresser and finds a small microphone a.k.a. a wire. Rips it off and storms downstairs** Rev. Camden and Mrs. Camden are standing in the kitchen.
Uncle Mark: �What the fuck is this?!� **shaking the microphone and wire in the air**
Rev. Camden: �it�s um..um..�
Uncle Mark: �You know what the fuck it is. It�s an audio tracking device aka a bug!. What�s with this Big Brother shit???�
Mrs. Camden: �Well actually, Uncle Mark, **begins twitching again** �We didn�t..uh.. single you out, specifically. All the ..um..kids rooms are um.. bugged.�
Uncle Mark: �Reeeeeeeeeeal nice fascist household you got going here.�
Rev. Camden: �Well uh, we don�t believe in keeping secrets.. and well, it�s for their own good.�
**Mary walks in**
Uncle Mark: �hello Marrrrrrrrry.�
Mary: **Grunts** �Hello Uncle Mark.�
**Uncle Mark flips Mary the middle finger**
Mrs. Camden: �So what�s up, Mary?�
Mary: �Oh nothing much.�
Uncle Mark: �so Mary, I see you�re doing fine after the abortion.�
Mrs. Camden: �What?!� **Rev Camden and Mrs. Camden both jump up and look surprised** �Mary, are you having sex???�
Mary: �No Mom! Of course not!! I�m not having sex!!�
Uncle Mark: �You gotta be like what, 30 now?? Ha ha ha!�
Rev. Camden: �Mary, tell us the truth.�
Mary: �I swear to you, I�m not having sex!!�
Uncle Mark: �haha oh my god you stupid BITCH!� **laughs**
**Rev. Camden and Mrs. Camden walk to a corner and converse with themselves**
Rev. Camden: �Maybe she got it from sitting on a public toilet seat that had some sperm on it�
Mrs Camden: �Yes, that is possible, I read it in Newsweek� **agrees and nods**
**Rev. Camden and Mrs. Camden turn around to face Mary**
Rev. Camden: �we believe you, Mary� **smiles then both hug Mary**
Uncle Mark: �Good fucking god you people are lame. Bunch of dumbasses.� **Uncle Mark walks out of the room**
**Uncle Mark shouts from the other room**
Uncle Mark: �What a crock of bullshit!!�
***cut to commercial*** fade out fade in
-Scene IV-
**Rev. Camden, Mrs. Camden and Simon are in the kitchen talking and helping make dinner. Ruthie enters the room**
Mrs. Camden: �Hi Ruthie, how was school today?�
Ruthie: �It was positively invigorating like always!� **smiles**
Mrs. Camden: �That�s so precious, honey!� **smiles and twitches while cutting up carrots. Almost accidentally cuts left wrist open with knife. Continues twitching**
**Uncle Mark enters the room; smoking a cigarette. Rev. Camden puts down the potato peeler and potato**
Uncle Mark: �So what puke-fest are we having for dinner tonight?�
Rev. Camden: �Uncle Mark, did you clean up your room like I asked you to?�
**Ruthie interrupts**
Ruthie: �It seems weird in there. Like old stale beer and cheese�
**Uncle Mark points two fingers with cigarette at Ruthie**
Uncle Mark: �Shut the fuck up, you.�
Rev. Camden: �We were wondering what was with all the noise in your room at 2 am last night.�
Uncle Mark: �What do you care? You don�t have a real job to get up early in the morning for.�
Mrs. Camden: �And who, may I ask, who did you have in your room last night?�
Uncle Mark: �Um,� **inhales and exhales cig smoke at Simon�s face**
�A female escort.�
Rev. Camden: �What?!�
**Mrs. Camden being violently twitching** �I won�t stand here and have you turn my home into some kind of Burlesque House!�
Rev. Camden: �Um, what, honey???�
Mrs. Camden: �I�m too upset right now�.I have to go!� **runs out of the room**
Uncle Mark: �haha! what a crazy bitch.�
Rev. Camden: �I think we need to up her medication.�
Simon: �Hey Uncle Mark, why were you in the bathroom for 2 hours this morning, I had to put my makeup on and get ready for school!�
Uncle Mark: �God damn it what a Navy Boy.�
**Uncle Mark turns to Simon**
Uncle Mark: �You really wanna know what I was doing in there?� **ashes cigarette on Simon�s expensive long-sleeve sweater**
Uncle Mark: �I was spanking the monkey. Choking the chicken. Teasing the weasel.
Squeezing the burrito. Stroking the stallion. Five finger knuckle shuffle. Dishonorable discharging. Playing a flute solo. Ironing some wrinkles. Jackin' the beanstalk. Killing the beast. Playing my instrument. Shining the helmet. Oiling the pogo stick. Sloppy sign languaging. Leakin' the main drain. Draining the Monster. Yanking My Doodle (It's a Dandy).�
**Simon acting all shocked**
Simon: **stuttering** �We um�we don�t ta-ta�talk about that um..thing and um uh�
Uncle Mark: �It�s called MASTURBATION!! Hence, �fucking yourself!!��
Simon: **speechless**
Uncle Mark: �Would someone wanna get this kid a porno mag?�
Rev. Camden: �Um, we don�t allow pornography in this house.�
Uncle Mark: �Oh why the hell is that? Is it �unholy� or some shit?�
Rev. Camden: �It�s not very um..wholesome.�
Uncle Mark: �So that�s why everyone is so tense around here.�
Rev. Camden: �um, yeah.�
**Lucy enters the kitchen**
Uncle Mark: �wow Lucy you got fat!�
Lucy: �Thanks for the news flash�
Uncle Mark: �You storing some nuts for the Winter in those cheeks?�
**Lucy makes a face**
**Uncle Mark throws cigarette butt into the mixing bowl full of food and leaves the room**
Rev. Camden: �siiiiiiiiiigh.� **holds a tomato in his hand and squeezes it till it bursts**
***cut to commercial*** fade out fade in
-Next week�s promo-
**voice over** �Next week, on 7th Heaven�. The Camdens have a new problem��.�
Simon: �um, Mom and Dad? I have a problem.�
Uncle Mark: **chugs another beer**
Simon: �Remember when I was having that Dating Service where girls would pay me and I would go out with them?�
Rev. Camden: **nods disapprovingly** �yes, the soliciting, we remember.�
Simon: �Well, one of the girls is pregnant. And it�s mine.�
Uncle Mark: �BAW-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!� **slaps right hand on table repeatedly**
**voice over** �Next week, on 7th Heaven!�
end
