| Sometimes it really amazes me that people write to a stupid newspaper advice columnist and need answers to the stupid questions of their lives. Unfortunately, this column is no exception. Just look at the stupid emails people have sent. So officially today, there's another addition to this column, it's called "Ask Porter". Dear Porter Your advice of "wait and see 'n wing it" has ruined my life. I can honestly say it was the worst piece of advice I have ever gotten in my life. How do you sleep at night?? ~Roger Dear Roger I sleep on mattress with sheets in varying thickness and rest my head on a pillow. -o- Porter, The advice you gave me was completely wrong (no my boss did not appreciate me telling him what I really thought of him, how incompetent he was and things in general and I lost my $250,000 a year job because of it and now nobody in my field will hire me) and quite frankly, I don't think most of the advice you give to people is right. I think it's wrong. DEAD WRONG!!! ~Skip Skip, The idea of arguing via in a newspaper advice column space is like fighting on the internet, which is like winning the Running Event in the Special Olympics: you're still a retard. However, since I am an advocate of senseless violence, I would like to give you an address on where we can meet and we can finally settle our differences in a gruesome bloody battle that will result in one of our deaths. Meet me at 1140 S. Pofentner Drive in Augratin, NY. [editor's note: Dolph Rudager actually gave the address to a notoriously violent gang area, home of the Van DeKamp Boys, and Skip was found beaten to death in a bloody pulp in the street. Dolph Rudager found Skip to be a rather annoying pissant and didn't want to be bothered with anymore. ] -o- Dear Porter I am a middle aged mother who has a young teenage daughter and my old menopausic over-bearing mother lives in our home. My mother is useless. She doesn't work, she refuses to get a job, she gets high on nail polish fumes every morning and gets high on my daughter's A.D.D. medication and listens to rather annoying degenerate adult-menopausic AM talk radio, and when I ask her to please answer the phone for me, suddenly she's "too busy" and dashes out of the room. I want to teach my mother the error of her ways and fix her, but I really don't know what to do. ~Middle Aged Sandy Dear Sandy You don't??? Ship her off to some 3rd class old people home. Why? Because you know you really can't change mothers. They don't change. Like apples and dead fish, they only get worse with age. -o- Dear Porter, I really don't understand the advice you gave me. ~anonymous Dear stupid Maybe YOU'RE too stupid to understand it. That's why I'M the advice columnist and that's why my answers are in bold because my words are more important than yours. -o- Dear Porter, After you gave me the advice "to burn this motherfucker down to the ground", via the Anthony Anderson scene in the movie "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle", I am no longer employed at the Lid Lock Jar Restaurant (an establishment I spent my whole life striving for and after an expensive culinary education) and cannot find any work in my field anymore, and the only place that would hire me was the local zoo in the position of Turd Keeper. And I'm not even that, I'm "assistant to the head Turd Keeper", which is actually pretty lousy, because all it is of the head Turd Keeper telling me to deal with all the turd business from the animals. I really don't like this job at all and I am literally neck-deep in turds. Well?? ~Joe Dear Joe, Wait and see 'n wing it. -o- Dear Porter, My wife doesn't spend any time with me. what should i do? Get rid of your wife and move to Mexico -o- Dear Porter, Everytime i go to leave the computer to talk on the phone or watch tv, my screen turns black and this "flower" thing comes up and starts moving around the screen and changes colors. what should i do? Your computer is broken. Throw it out and buy a new laptop one. -o- Dear Porter, The other day when i was snooping in my teenage son's desk drawers, i heard him outside swearing profanity with his friends. Also he's not getting the straight A's on his report card like we demanded. what should i do? ~concerned warden. First off, if you were a real warden, you wouldn't be so god damn clueless and stupid. The reason why your child is out of control is because you didn't beat them hard enough, you didn't yell at them loud enough, or take away their Mtv's or their Nintendo's. Mandatory weekly drug tests, compulsory church attendance and an electronic neck-collar tracking device should be the 1st step into raising an obedient machine. -o- Dear Porter, My wife is too fat and she spends too much of my money on shopping for clothes and cheap $4 shoes which fall apart & whose heels get crushed after a day or two. I keep telling her i don't want bacon on my ice cream sundaes but she just won't listen. ~Skinny Spineless Husband Dear Spineless, I think it may be time to insert a tapeworm in your lovely wife's breakfast glass of gravy. -o- Dear porter, My husband spends too much time looking at pornography on the internet and not enough time with me. what should i do? ~Mrs. Deprived Dear Mrs. Deprived, Go onto the internet and buy yourself a vibrator. This should solve your problem. -o- Dear Porter, My poodle Snappy just loves to yip and yap all day and night long, it's just so cute! However, my little Snappy has this filthy little habit of going poo-poo in the house! My husband left me about a week after i got precious little Snappy and i haven't slept in two weeks. Any advice for my little boo-boo poochie? ~Cristinia Dear Cristina, I hear Furniture polish is tastier than ever these days! Mmm taste that lemon pledge! Have some fun-fun! -o- Dear Porter, A flabba blee blooooo! Eeem ma flabovin da in fa ney kazoooooo! Neeeeah na fla blah bloo. Napaa, napaa! Hebalen floob seepa fryin' pan paz zoba boo. ~ Bob Dylan Dear Bob Dylan, No, they shouldn't have ever canceled the Iron Chef.. Thanks for all the years of great music! Keep up the great work! -o- Dear Porter, my wife bitches so much about how her back hurts and her fingernails constantly keep breaking from cleaning the house and taking care of our 5 kids all day after i come home from a hard day of tasting beer at the Beer Factory. Why can't she understand that i really don't give a shit and just need to relax? ~ Mr. Sore Ears Dear Mr. Sore Ears, get home, order a pizza with all of your favorite toppings and plop down on the couch, have a cold one and tell the old hen to stop her bellyaching.. the woman will hear that she needs to shut her big mouth up from talking so much. wives love that. -o- Dear Porter, I'm a middle school teacher and one of my students refuses to sit quietly during our hourly film strips everyday and keeps screaming something about "you're robbing me of an education" or something, i don't know. I can't make any sense of this. Can you? ~a teacher Dear Teacher, Yes, i can! Introduce a new feature preceding your film strips...sedative-laced popcorn! Not only will this snack take care of your lil screaming student problem, but it should make your job a whole lot easier. -o- Dear Porter, Like, my husband is losing his like, hair, okay, and like, and it's like, making him bald and ugly, but like, his back hair seems to be growing more and like, why? ~Mrs Know it all Dear Mrs Know it all, well Mrs self-proclaimed know it all, every man is born with a certain number of hairs..and this balance is always constant, it's just that sometimes over the years this balance will shift to other parts of the body from the head, especially from the head down to the back. Thus meaning, every man has a "master log hair", meaning this is the hair that keeps that balance locked in place, and usually is the lowest hair located on the forehead. It's like when the master log in a beaver's dam is out, the dam collapses. So, if the "master log hair" falls out, chaos ensues and thus "balding" of the head occurs. Hope this helps. -o- Dear stupid fat lazy American Porter, You think you won the Expos du Montr�al Baseball but you are wrong! RICO will come and sue you stupid fat lazy American and les Canadians will come and steal les Expos away from you! We will piss on your happy parade! You have not won anything! We support our baseball team! Stupid American! Dear Canuck, # 1, Washington D.C. (which is in America, btw) now has the Expos. # 2, No, you didn�t support the Expos; that�s why D.C. (which is in America) has the team and you don�t. Quit your bitching because # 3, we WIN and # 4, we have a team and you don�t! Suck it! -o- deer Rudsgurr, Yous very stooopid. Yoo not smrt end yoo stooopid. Amercan Eyedol rulzz!!! Me no unduhstand yoo. Me say you dye now!!!!!!! Yore fwiend, Woo Poo. Dear Woo Poo, I haven�t heard from you since 1991. And you�re still not my friend you stupid piece of pigshit! -o- Dear Porter Why are Wendy�s burger buns a piss-yellow color? ~Kev, TX. �Go Longhorns!!!� Dear Kev I think you just answered your own question. "Go Seminoles!" -o- Deer Porter: Why is my mommy such a terrball driver? ~love Samantha, 6 Dear sweet Samantha, Your mommy has the syndrome known as "womanhood", which gives them their irrational thinking, hormones, and unstable schizophrenic emotions and the body is out-of-whack which along with the rack-and-pinion steering and the many mirrors and the buttons on the car stereo, impairs her ability to drive the big, scary automobile properly. Unfortunately sweetheart, it's going to happen to you someday. Love, Rudager. -o- Hey Porter, As someone who is not a stupid teenager or of the stupid young adult demographic, you want to tell me WHY in the fuck that they're are so many god damn Singing and Dance Reality shows and why in the hell we should care??? ~Chris Yo Chris, That's like asking how many stars their are in the universe. Nobody will ever know. -o- Dear Porter, I am a mother and want to know why are people and especially children so fat today? I've made 7 trips to the grocery store already and it's only Tuesday. My god! ~Patricia Dear Pattie, Part of the problem is that as Americans, with our computers and our cell phones and our satellite TV, we are too busy sitting down all day and night playing. Children especially have this problem since they're especially lazy simpletons, which in the next 35 years will be our imminent Armageddon. And of course, another part of the problem is the schools, who by their own fault have raised the "academic standards" by blackmailing taxpayers and parents into believing "only the best for their children" and that unless the children have the fastest computers, internet and every imaginable multi-media tool within 10 feet, the children will whither away and die. Somehow the schools justified their own agenda by letting the corporations come into their schools, sell their merchandise and poison the children for the almighty dollar. We didn't have this problem when we were kids, because the proper priorities were in place. But now it's all about materials, pumping as much money in and out of the sports programs and blood-sucking as much money as possible. It frightens me that the next generation won't be able to find a word in a dictionary or even touch an encyclopedia when they're being taught web browsing tips in Kindergarten. Oh yes, it's also your fault that you KEEP BUYING THE DAMN FOOD. And if I were you, I'd make sure the children have no access to any money in the house. Of course, the little rats will eventually find a way to cram the shit down their fat throats, but at least you won't be paying for it. Oh yeah, and stop driving the minivan around town! The gasoline is precious, and your errands are not. -o- Dear Porter, I've noticed that most of the comic strips from the newspapers are quite lame and old. Is 75 years of "Blondie" really worth celebrating?? It boggles the mind on how terrible strips are today. It's like they're made for old fogey farts. I can't wait until they all die off. ~Deathtofarts05 Death To Farts 2005, You too, eh? And the sad thing is, the cartoonists themselves think they're funny, when they're really not. Comics today have an overall stench of sterility and lameness, and it�s sad that Doonesbury is the edgiest one out there. They really need to raise the bar and get the shock value back. It�s embarrassing. And it's a horrible waste of ink and a drain on resources. The first strip to go should be "Baby Blues, which makes my bowels explode. But it at least shows the lameness of life with young children. They should take it one step further and see how these annoying families inconvenience the rest of us in the world with their screaming brats who are noise-polluting, disrupting and ruining our experience in our stores & restaurants. This is precisely why drive-thru�s were invented. ~Porterrulz76 -o- Dear Porter, What makes YOU an "expert", hmmm?!! Oh, you think because you give advice on some fancy-ass blog, that you're QUALIFIED?!! I think you're vastly over-rated! ~disgruntled Dear Abby fan Dear asshole, I know I'm just as qualified to give ill-advised answers than any of those in newspapers, if not more so. And I enjoy misleading people with terrible advice. It�s fun! -o- Dear Porter, I am a Soccer Mom and are very involved in my young children's soccer activities. While me and the other moms were not keeping score or track of the rules, we were wondering if we should spend another $200 more each on bigger trophies. We don't know what to do, but we're thinking about doing that!!! ~super soccer mommy Dear dumbass, Let me tell you what the most important thing about sports is: winning! It's not about exercise, or teamwork or not taking enhancing drug supplements or good sportsmanship. It's about winning and losing! Separating the winner's from the loser's! Children need to be taught that the spirit of competition is very important, and you need to attach a number or record-stat to everything you do. So don't waste your stupid money on trophies for the little shits, because it's obvious they haven't learned a damned thing under your flawed system. And everybody knows that there's nothing better than winning! And remember: 2nd place is the first loser. And only lose if it somehow benefits you financially. -o- Dear Porter My husband is a very stupid man. For Christmas, he got our son the new "Froblnyerzex" toy, the most advanced state-of-the-art trendy action toy there is. It is also very, very loud. What should I do? Our son plays with it constantly and it's driving me crazy! ~Mrs Ringing Ears Dear Mrs. Ringing Ears, Take a hammer to it and say "dad's fat ass sat on it." -o- Look Porter, I have an Excessive Profanity Disorder. I swear too fucking much. My superiors are threatening to shove the stick up my ass and fire me. Fire me�myself� my fucking beautiful self!!! What the fuck. God damn shitheads. I should kick them in the balls! Haven't those idiots ever heard of the 1st Amendment?? I have rights, damn it. You know what, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to march right into that daycare teacher's lounge, tip that fucking coffee maker over, trash the room and tell those cocksuckers the way it's going to be around here!!! ~The Man Dear The "Man", Good for you! I don't trust anyone who doesn't curse. -o- Dear Porter My problem is with abbreviations & acronyms. I absolutely can't stand them. I think it makes people look lazy and ignorant. The other day at work in my office, I got a two-page memo from our boss that was nothing but single letters followed by periods. I was like, "what the hell??" He says (which took forever to figure out) that this saves time and ink. Our boss always has used abbreviations like "A.S.A.P." or "t.m.i." and "C.Y.H.M?" in his daily interactions & notes, but now he's substituted all of his documents and spoken words with acronyms/abbreviations! It's really getting out of hand! This is taking a lot of my time!! ~spell it out! Dear Spell It Out, Wow, what a fucking idiot! I'd report his illiterate ass to the Better Business Bureau and make sure he gets fired. -o- ddeere Protor,,,,,.. I juss smokked a whole buch of crackk!!!!!! ccrck is wack!!!!`!dk haha i kow what u need 2do, ppotter!!! I sez so! ii'lll sdend u sum craak 2!!! worddd!~!! ~numbrr1yankkeesjeterfanz. Dear Crackhead, Give hugs, not drugs! -o- Dear Porter, After I come home from a long, hard day of work at the batting cage � Buffalo wing factory, my wife just doesn't understand that I'm just really tired and really don't want to hear about "the trip to the grocery store, little Billy's play or what the idiots said on the AM-Radio show" and that I just want to sit down and relax in quiet. Why can't she understand this? ~tired man. Dear Tired Man, Since the beginning of time, Man has yearned for peace and quiet, a.k.a. what is known as "the Clubhouse". Today, we also call these places "Country Clubs", "bars", "2nd apartments", "recreational establishments". Even since the days of the Caveman, Caveman needed a 2nd cave to hangout somewhere else for a while before going home to put up with Cavewoman. What I'm saying is, these are suggestions. Oh, and don't explain your sudden absence is due to "overtime", because that's code people use when they cheat on their partners (thanks, Cheaters television show!). -o- Dear Porter, I'm bored, and I'm considering taking steroids. I know where to get them; down at the local gym. But I also have a phlegm problem, so I might take up on a decongestant pill addiction. Or maybe start Nyquil / cough syrup parties. I also have gas / bowel problems, so I might get some pills for that. Or maybe I'll take up glass eating. I really don't know. ~overwhelmed with choices. Dear Overwhelmed, Isn't wonderful how we have so many options?? Enjoy your quest and where ever it takes and what ever it does to you! -o- Yo' Porta, I am 19 and pregnant with my 4th child. I recently found out my husband has been having numerous affairs & has given me an STD, which I'm not really thrilled about. ~n/a Yo' ???????? You give no name?? What was the point of this?? Are you bragging?? Anyways, you're a stupid dumbass. You deserve what you got. And you need to get sewn up. |