| The Bozo Programme
Cast: Timothy Bohus - "Crazy Cowboy" sidekick with bar room banter Dolph Rudager - kid-hating clown "Bozo" Note: get old film projector from old Pheetland School before they burn the school to the ground. Note: get old Public Domain cartoons Filmed at WGN-TV studios. The Bozo Programme theme song: Bozo: "Bozo...neh neh neh neh Bozo....watch this show...neh neh neh neh...I'm not dead. Neh neh neh neh it's the Bozo Programme" -o- Bozo: **while cartoon is rolling** "I need a drink." -o- Bozo: "Hey kid, SIT DOWN, DAMN IT!!" Bozo: "You know, me and the Mrs.were fingerpainting the other day. HEY! You kids like to fingerpaint?! Crazy Cowboy, get the paint & paper out while we roll the cartoon!!!" -o- Bozo: "Kids, if you know somebody, like a family member who's committed a crime or a felony, call the Bozo show and turn them in! It doesn't matter if it's your Mommy, your Daddy or your brother or sister, and do so, and you'll get a free slide whistle like Crazy Cowboy!" Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa." Bozo: "And Chicago Police Sgt. O'Peterson will be here to give you a honorary certificate!" Sgt. O'Peterson (drunken old Irish guy in Police suit): "Top o' mornin', kiddies!!" -o- Bozo: "Ok kids, it's time for another cartoon. This one is 30 years older than your parents, and all the people who made this cartoon are all DEAD. Roll the cartoon!" **takes a hit from flask** -o- Bozo: "Hey kids! Quiet down! Shut up!!" Bozo (during Grand Prize Game):"God damn it, kid! Keep your frickin' feet BEHIND the LINE! I don't want any cheaters on my show!!" -o- **at the end of the show** Bozo: "Ok kids. It's time for the Grand March! Turn on the synthesizer!! Crazy Cowboy, lead the way!" Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa!" -o- Bozo: "No, kids. I'm not dead. I'm far from it. Watch my show everyday." -o- Bozo **during Grand Prize game** "Ok kid. Drop the ball in bucket #6 and you'll get a free small old bag of Jay's potato chips!" Kid: "I want a racing car, Bozo!" Bozo: "Don't be a wise ass!!! Throw the damn ball!" Kid: **throws and ball ricochets off the top of the bucket** Bozo: "Oh you missed! What a real rim job that was!" -o- Bozo: "You know what's wrong with you kids today? You're too damn fat! Get off your ass and get pro-active! I want you to play in the streets! Run around and kick that ball around!" -o- Bozo: "Alright kid, you're the next contestant on the Grand Prize Game." **kid is slow to come down** "Come ON kid, I don't got all day!" **kid finally arrives** "my GOD are you a fat one! What's your mommy feed you, frickin' Hot Pockets and bon bons???" Kid: "I'm hungry." Bozo: "Yeah kid we're all hungry. You know the rules, feet behind the damn line and toss the ball. Don't break it 'cause it's the only ball we have." Kid: **tries to lift fat arm and misses Bucket #1** **pants for air** Bozo: "My GOD I've never seen a kid miss the first bucket! Get off the stage!" **kid turns & walks away. Bozo kicks kid in the ass** -o- Bozo: "Crazy Cowboy is now gonna sing us a song! Take it away!!" Crazy Cowboy on slide guitar: "Diabetes is hard....diabetes is hard on me...... trying to tie up with the rubber hose.... popping the vein... and stickin'...stickin'...stickin' the needle in 'cause my blood sugar is lowwwwwwwww.....lowwwwwwww...lowwwwwwww." Bozo: "my GOD that's a depressing song. You know any others??" Crazy Cowboy: "ooooooh Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! The train.... the black train....took my baby away.... the crossing gates weren't working... the black train took my baby away........." Bozo: "Ooooo!" Crazy Cowboy: "I once shot a baby, just to watch it dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." **walks off stage** **mothers in audience scream in outrage** Bozo: "Shut your pie holes up, you wenches! Speaking of pie, Roll out the pies, Crazy Cowboy!" Crazy Cowboy: **hauls out cart of shaving cream pies, (the band) Yes-synthesizer music theme plays** Bozo: "Ok kids...ready...set... GO!" **Bozo & Crazy Clown begin throwing pies into audience** **4 minutes pass** Bozo: "Man that was fun! Alright, me and Crazy Cowboy are going to get some refreshments. Roll the cartoon!!" -o- Bozo: "Man that was a good cartoon! It's a lot better than that shittin' Japanese crap you kids watch today! Bunch of Jap crap! They don't even blink! They're always fighin' or slicin' something or there's a squirrel flying or something!" Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Be like the squirrel!" Bozo: "You got that right, Crazy Cowboy! Alright, now it's time to bring out our musical guest! Me and Crazy Cowboy heard these art students play down at the The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Pretty rockin' avant garde stuff! Enjoy, kids!" -o- Bozo: "So yeah, the other day, I was down at the Tas Tee Liquors buying some bourbon and a pack of smokes, and this a-hole behind the counter was telling me that Chunky Soup is better than Progresso Soup! I was like, "no f'ing way, man. You're off your frickin' mind, you deranged whino! So this conversation went on for a good 20 minutes, but I don't know how or why, but we somehow ended up in the Park tipping over trash cans and pissing on the flowers. Wasn't that a great story, Crazy Cowboy?" Crazy Cowboy: "It was the best, Bozo." Bozo: "Yeah, I'm the best there ever was, ain't I?" **kid shouts from audience** "'Ain't' isn't a WORD!!" Bozo: "HEY!! No 'shouting out' on my show, kid! That's a Bozo no-no, now SIT DOWN!" Kid: "awwwwww FUCK OFF, clown!" **disgruntled audience noise** -o- Bozo: "So yeah kids, me and Crazy Cowboy were playing Madden '04 last night, and the stupid game kept screwing me over! My safeties couldn't cover worth a damn, I missed 3 field goals, I threw 4 interceptions and I lost by 43! Wasn't that a terrible game, Crazy Cowboy?!" Crazy Cowboy: **covers ears** "Ow! Not so loud!" Bozo: "Yeah, Crazy Cowboy is a little out of it today, Kiddies. Oh GOD! **bends over & winches in pain** Kids, I need to go 'pay the man'. Roll the cartoon!!!" -o- Bozo: "Crazy Cowboy, are you going to sing us another special song?" Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Here it goes!" **banjo intro** "I love 'em... I need 'em... I love 'em... I squeeze 'em... because I'm the Ass Man, yeeeeeeeah I'm the Ass mannnnnn.. You know I've come for it before! Ass mannnnnnnn! Don't ask me what I want it for... Ass Mannnnn! **3-minute banjo solo** **music slows down** Howwww.....dyyyy... hooo... ya. .......Ass mannnnnnn! Bozo: **claps hands** "Yeah! Woo! Yeah!" **mothers in audience boo** Bozo: "oh come ON! That's a beautiful song! Pipe down!!! Roll the cartoon!" -o- Bozo: "You know, kids, the National Train Council isn't just a proud sponsor of the show, they also have a message for you people. "Don't play around the trains, otherwise you'll be DEAD." If Bozo catches you roughhousing around the rails or jumping turnstiles, you're gonna end up DEAD. I am NOT kidding! I'm warning you, STAY AWAY FROM THE TRAINS! They stop for no one!" -o- Bozo: **during Grand Prize Game** "Ok kid, throw the ball into Bucket # 3" **kids succeeds** Bozo: "Alright! You won a free Slim Jim!" Kid: **opens it and bites into it** "Yuck! This tastes awful!" Bozo: **drunken laugh** "Ah-hahahaha!" -o- Bozo: "Wasn't that a great cartoon, kids? You know, they say a woman is a lot like a screen door. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!" Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa!" Bozo: "You kids know how to count, right? Roll the cartoon!" -o- Bozo: **in shackles & resisting arrest from Sgt. O'Peterson** "You can't arrest me! I'm Bozo the clown!!" Sgt. O'Peterson: "Stop re'sis'tin' ar'rest ye dirty CLOWN!" Bozo: "Get your god damn hands off me, ye glorified pile of piglard night-watchman!" Sgt. O'Peterson: "Don't ye make me use me taser on ye!" Bozo: **really getting violent** "I'm gonna shove a doughnut up your fat nose!" Sgt. O'Peterson: "Settle down or I'll knock the shit right outta ye ass!" Bozo: "Do something, damn it, Crazy Cowboy!!!" Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Get your hands off the clown, you beer guzzling potato eater!" Bozo: **wrestles Sgt. O'Peterson to the ground** **Crazy Cowboy begins trashing the stage as do Bozo & Sgt. O'Peterson** -o- Bozo: "With us today boys and girls, is ABC-7 meteorologist Jerry Taft." Jerry Taft: "It's great to be here, Bozo." Bozo: "Now, Jerry Taft is going to play a game with us! It's called "Quarters" !" Jerry Taft: **long-winded exhale** "Hhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha!" Bozo: **walks over to table with Crazy Cowboy already seated** "Now kids, the object of the game is to drop a quarter on the table and for it to land in a shot glass so we can drink it! Now watch us play this while we chain-smoke cigarettes! Are you ready, Jerry Taft??" Jerry Taft: "Yes, I am, Bozo! **long-winded exhale** Hhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha!" -o- Bozo: "Ok listen up kids. Hey, shut up! Kids, it's time for "Gambler's Korner". You see, in the world of sports, there's this thing called "the point spread". This is made up by some people who predict what teams are going to win and by how much. Now, **points to chart**, We see that the Bears were 7 1/2 -point favorites, but only won the game by 4 points, which means Bozo lost a lot of money! Lousy crummy Offense! So study your teams carefully and know their weaknesses and especially know who's on the Injured list!!!! Damn it. Damn the spread. Next week we'll talk about counting cards." -o- Bozo: **in a lame Indian costume, in attacking stance, knife pointed towards Crazy Cowboy**: "Come on at me, Crazy Cowboy! C'mon! Let's tangle!!" Crazy Cowboy: "You're going down, Injun-Bozo! We don't take too kindly to red-nosed folks in parts out here!!" **takes a knife stab at Bozo** Bozo: "Oh bring it on, you horse humping Fruit Pie!" **takes a knife stab at Crazy Cowboy** -o- Voiceover: "Hey kids, it's time for the Garfield Goose & Racist Dog puppet show!" **cut to crappy cardboard puppet stage** Garfield Goose: (white sock over hand making talking motion) **Crazy Cowboy makes clicking noise with tongue tapping roof of mouth** "Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tuck." Racist Dog: (cheap sock hand puppet with some dog characteristics) **Bozo in a high whiny voice** "What's that you're saying, Garfield Goose? You were recalling our talk last night about how I don't like black people???" Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick!" Racist Dog: "Yeah I don't care for the Italians or the Germans, either!" Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick!" Racist Dog: "oh ya, I almost forgot about the dirty Czech's!" Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick tick!" Racist Dog: "arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf!" Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick!" Racist Dog: "woof woof woof woof woof!!" Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick!" Racist Dog: "Yeah you're right, 'no we don't have to all get along'. " -o- Voice-over: "Hey people, watch the Bozo Programme everyday at 6:30am and again at 6:30pm! Guests on the Bozo Programme this week include: Johnny "Red" Kerr, Jerry Taft, the White Stripes, Billy Corgan, Mr. T, and Marcus Fizer!" -o- Entertainment reporter Dean Richards of WGN-TV calls the Bozo Programme "lunatic-crazy fun!" END dfsThe Bozo Programme (con't) Cast: Timothy Bohus - "Crazy Cowboy" sidekick with bar room banter Dolph Rudager - kid-hating clown "Bozo" Filmed at WGN-TV studios. The Bozo Programme theme song: Bozo: "Bozo...neh neh neh neh Bozo....watch this show...neh neh neh neh...I'm not dead. Neh neh neh neh it's the Bozo Programme" -o- Voiceover: Now kids, it's time for another episode of "Bozo the District Attorney!" Bozo the District Attorney: "Your Honor," **approaches bench** "My client is not responsible for her actions. Nor should she ever have to be. She was having trouble driving the big, scarrrrrrrry automobile, and while checking her lipstick in the many mirrors, she lost her concentration on the road and crashed her SUV onto a crowded sidewalk where many people were watching street mimes perform. And her nature, being a woman and all, she is incapable of driving an automobile because she's insane (by nature) and has limited brain capacity. So on that technicality, I say, "all liability & charges must be dropped!" **people in courtroom stir up disgruntled noise** Judge: **bangs gavel repeatedly** "Order in this court!!! I will have order!!" Bozo the District Attorney: **smiles at the camera with a "what, me?" look** Voiceover: "next week on "Bozo the District Attorney!"" Bozo the District Attorney: "Your Honor, now I may not be the Surgeon General, but there is one thing that I do know: salty foods lead to itchy, salty balls. It was never my clients intent to scratch his crotch while standing on that train while unknowingly had his slacks zipper all the way down & was wide open with the absence of underwear, as a presentation for all to see. My client was only acting on instinct, and the REAL perpetrator here� is the good people of Lays potato chips who constantly over-salt their product, which my client happened to have ingested some few hours before the said incident. Your Honor, don't fault my client, fault the Salt Demons of Lay's!" Judge: **bangs gavel repeatedly** "Order! I will clear this courtroom!" Bozo the District Attorney: **turns to camera, smirks and gives a thumbs-up** Voiceover: "Tune in next week for ...."Bozo the District Attorney!" -o- Bozo: "Hey! Where's my coffee??? I give you kids the precious gift of fine Pre-WWII German cartoons and somebody swiped my coffee!" **looks around franticly** Crazy Cowboy: **sneaks up behind Bozo, looks at the camera, makes "shhhh!" finger-to-mouth motion, holding Bozo's coffee, children begin laughing** Bozo: "Where the hell is the god damned thing?! I put it right down next to my lighter!" **keeps looking** Crazy Cowboy: "shhhhhhh!" Bozo: "Hey KID! You stole my coffee, didn't you!!" **begins slapping kid** Kid: "nooooooo Bozo, nooooooo!" Bozo: "Tell Bozo the truth, damn it, kid! Don't make me break out the belt!" Crazy Cowboy: "Bozo...... I took.." Kid's mother: "You get your dirty filthy disease-ridden clown hands off my son!!" Bozo: **stands up..looks at the camera blankly** "Oh no you just DIDN'T!" **slides off belt and begins horsewhipping mother** Crazy Cowboy: "Haha, Bozo did the bad idea! Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Roll the cartoon!" -o- Voiceover: The following is a special announcement from the Mayor's office. "Hello my fellow Chicago citizens. Bozo the Mayor here! I thought I'd schedule this important news conference!" Reporter Bob stands up & asks, "Mayor Bozo, what is the consequential agendum of the budget this year?" Mayor Bozo: "Well, Bob.... I'm in a pickle barrel. Apparently the Budget Department sorely under-estimated our budget this year. After all those snow storms,.. the drunken snow plower's dumping too much salt all over the place & their civil lawsuits from their numerous accidents were a bit too much of a strain on the bottom line. Plus all that salt was hell on the roads, and hiring those cheap shady gypsies to pave all the roads in the first place was a horrible idea." Reporter Anne: "Mayor Bozo, our roads have been ranked worst in the country, and are in complete disarray. It seems like there's always only one-lane open due to constant construction!" Mayor Bozo: "What can I say, Anne? Asphalt just isn't what it used to be. So with that, and the millions of over-spending on discarded & failed park district projects and the futile funding of public schools, to make up the $783 million deficit, I'm going to have to raise taxes by 35% for all the people!" Reporter Bob: "Oh come on!" Mayor Bozo: "Yeaaaaaaah, I'm gonna be taxing your gas, your cigarettes, your school supplies, your property tax, your sales tax, and your booze tax, and your candy tax, and your plush novelty stuffed animals tax, your drive-thru tax, your waiting tax, your parking tax� oh ya..the airlines, restaurants and hotels are ESPECIALLY gonna feel the burn!" Reporter Anne: "Won't this deter companies from wanting to do business with us and stunt job growth and actually fuel unemployment??" Mayor Bozo: "eh I don't care, I'm doing it anyway! This press conference is over!" -o- Bozo: "Crazy Cowboy, I don't want any more old people on my show. They're too hard to interview and they don't remember what they're saying!" Crazy Cowboy: Howwwwwwwwdyyyyyyyy Hooo-yaaaaaaaaa! Bozo: "Hey, why do you keep saying that, anyway??" Crazy Cowboy: "Well Bozo, it's an interesting story." Bozo: "Ooooo!" Crazy Cowboy: "back West where I come from, we'd all head down to the local saloon every night where all the prostitutes would draw their business, and with our constant visits & slackjawed banter, just got the habit of saying, "Howdy, 'Ho! Yeah!" just became second nature!" Bozo: "That was a great story, Crazy Cowboy! Roll the cartoon!" -o- Bozo: "Hey kids, Bozo says 'the Cubs have the best bullpen in all of baseball!' Isn't that right, Crazy Cowboy?" Crazy Cowboy: "I don't think so, Bozo." Bozo: "Well I really don't pay attention to those sorts of things!!, like the players or the stats or what goes on the field. Roll the cartoon!" -o- Bozo: "Hey kids, you know what these are??? **holds up matchbook** They're matches!!! **lifts lid, rips out a match and strikes it** Oooooooo! Look at that! **drops still-burning match to the ground** ** quickly rips & strikes another match** Isn't this fun, boys and girls???" **drops another lit match & lights another one** Heheheh yeah, boys and girls! Isn't this cool or what! Heheh again, again!!" -o- Entertainment reporter Dean Richards of WGN-TV says the Bozo Programme is "counter-productive & is mind-polluting our culture and is responsible for decaying & making trouble for the establishment-kind-of fun!" |