| "And now it's time for another episode of the O'Neglecto Family! Starring college educated husband Jack and his smarter wife Boobie with her 3 Master's degrees! And their infant child.... Junior.!" Jack: "You ready to go to the Giants game, Boobs? It's a 4 to 5 hour trip." Boobie: "Alright, let me just put Jr. back in his crib and give him some Nyquil." The next day. Boobie and her female friend Emily are sitting around the kitchen table and gabbing as usual. Boobie: "Man, am I well rested!" **smiles** Emily: "Boobs, how do you do it? You went to a Giants game yesterday, went to Red Lobster for dinner, watched the "Desperate Housewives" marathon and played video games until 1am; and you have a 5 week old inbred infantile. How do you do it??" Boobie: "Well! Me and Jack have our ways." **chuckle** Emily: "Right." Boobie: "We figure, 'who's in charge here, hmm??' " Emily: "Right." Boobie: "So we figure, once the baby starts crying, it'll tire itself out and eventually it will just give up." Emily: " ...." Boobie: "So we check on Jr. a few times to day to give him some food and stuff." Emily: "And your 'well-rested' part?" Boobie: "Well we just stuck his crib downstairs in a nice, small insulated closet & close the door so we don't have our sleep interrupted at all. It's very important to develop good consistent sleeping habits." Emily: "mmhmm." **sips coffee** Boobie: "Oh it's great! I leave him alone for hours at a time. I am so glad we didn't have to invest in one of those stupid and costly baby car seats. I can go out shopping alone in peace; we go to restaurants without having to drag some screaming brat along. We go to the theatre, trade shows without the rugrat...." **sips coffee** Boobie: "... 'babying' a child is so over-rated. I never knew raising a baby my way could be so easy!" Emily: "You are certainly unorthodox." Boobie: "If Jr. shits himself, he's not going anywhere, and neither is that poop. We'll get to it when we get to it. It's not like it's going to die or anything." Emily: "So true." Boobie: "And I'm sure as hell not going to breast feed him. You think I want him sucking on my nipples and extracting their tasty juice? I don't want him to grow up having an infatuation with women's breasts. And he'll thank me that he didn’t have to 'suck mommy's tit'. " Emily: "Oh nobody wants a son who grabs women's chests." Boobie: "And why the hell does Jr. have to whine so much? **shouts towards Jr's closet** Tough it out, Jr.!!!" **sips coffee** Emily: "That doesn't sound like something Dr. Fill would say." Boobie: "Well Dr. Fill is just some fat-ass chain-eating steak mauler who really knows less than he fucking lets on." Emily: "I know some people who want to put you on his show. And some judge shows, too." Boobie: "Oh don't get me started on those shows! How I HATE those shows! I want to smack them all right in their smug self-righteous faces and shove a stapler up their ass!" Emily: "I don't like those shows either, Boobs. Very boring and it's all the same shit. Low-life's bitching about their stupid petty problems that no one really gives a shit about. What's sad is they will never know how much we mock and laugh at them." Boobie: **packs it up** "Alright! Ready to do some shoe shopping?! I hear the Shoe Barn has a 13 hour sale!" Emily: "Let's go!" Boobie: "First lemme duct tape little Jr. & his blanket in place in his crib so he doesn't move around or anything." Emily: "C'mon, Boobs! We only have 11 1/2 hours left!!!" Boobie: "Awww screw it!" **drops duct tape and sprints out the door** END This story was written by Dolph Rudager. The editor was Dolph Rudager. This story has been proofed by Dolph Rudager. This story has been re-edited by Dolph Rudager. This story has been subjected to approval by Dolph Rudager. This story is copyrighted by Dolph Rudager. ©2005 3/6 by Dolph Rudager. |